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5 Signs it's Love Bombing, Not Real Love and What God Has To Say About It. · Toxic Relationship Podcast

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome back to the Toxic Podcast, everyone.
• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Pastor Jake O'Connell, and today we have a very special guest with us, Shannon L.
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_00: Alder, relationship life coach and author of the best-selling book, The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Bible.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_00: Shannon, thank you so much for joining us today.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_01: Thanks, Jake.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_01: I'm really glad to be here.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_01: This topic is so close to my heart, and I believe it's going to help a lot of people who are wondering if what they're feeling is real love or something more manipulative and destructive.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: Absolutely.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: Today we're doing a deep dive into love bombing versus real love, and we're going to give our listeners five clear signs they might be dating a narcissist.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_00: But before we get into those signs, Shannon, can you explain what love bombing actually is for anyone who might not be familiar?
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_01: Sure.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_01: Love bombing is an intense, overwhelming display of affection and attention early in our relationship.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_01: It feels amazing at first, constant compliments, gifts, texts, promises about the future, but it's actually a manipulation tactic designed to create dependency and control, not genuine connection.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_00: So it's like a whirlwind romance that's too good to be true.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_00: What's the first sign someone might be dealing with a narcissist rather than a genuinely loving partner?
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_01: The first sign is the speed and intensity.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_01: A narcissist will often say, I love you, within days or weeks, talk about marriage, moving in, or having kids before you've even had a real argument or seen how they handle stress.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_01: Real love takes time to build trust and observe consistency.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_00: That speed can feel flattering, but it's actually a warning.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_00: Real intimacy is built over time through shared experiences and consistent character, not just grand gestures in the first few weeks.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_00: What should someone do if they notice this sign?
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_01: First, slow down.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_01: Don't make any major life decisions in the first few months.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_01: Watch how they respond when you set a boundary.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_01: If they get angry or pushy, that's a huge red flag.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_01: A healthy person will respect your pace.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: That's a huge red flag.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_00: I've seen people get swept up in that kind of intensity and ignore all the warning signs.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_00: What's the second sign?
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_01: The second sign is isolation.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_01: A narcissist will slowly start to pull you away from friends and family, sometimes by making you feel guilty for spending time with them, or by creating drama that forces you to choose them over your support system.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_01: It's a gradual erosion of your outside relationships.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: Isolation can be subtle.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_00: It might start with small comments like, your friends don't really understand you like I do, or why do you need to see them so often?
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_00: Over time, you find yourself alone with only them.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_01: Exactly.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_01: And a narcissist will often create a crisis whenever you try to reconnect with loved ones, making you feel guilty for leaving them.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_01: It's a form of control that cuts off your lifelines.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_00: That's dangerous.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_00: It's like they're building a cage with velvet walls, and you don't even realize the door is closing.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_00: What's the third sign?
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_01: Third is the devaluation phase.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_01: After the love bombing, once they feel they have you securely attached, the compliments stop and the criticism begins.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_01: They might make little digs about your appearance, your job, your past, your friends, anything to make you feel less than, so you'll work harder for their approval.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_00: That devaluation can be so jarring because the same person who once showered you with praise is now tearing you down.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: It's like emotional whiplash.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: How can someone recognize this as happening and not internalize it?
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_01: Remind yourself that their criticism is about their need for control, not about your worth.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_01: Write down the positive truths about yourself and keep them visible.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_01: And talk to a trusted friend or counselor who can reflect reality back to you.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_00: That shift from pedestal to punching bag is so confusing and painful.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: What's the fourth sign?
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_01: Fourth is gaslighting.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_01: They deny things they said or did, twist your words, and make you question your own memory and sanity.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_01: You start apologizing for things you didn't do, just to keep the peace, and you begin to doubt your own perception of reality.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_00: Gaslighting can make you feel like you're losing your mind.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: I've heard people say they started recording conversations just to prove they weren't crazy.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_00: What's a practical step to counter gaslighting?
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_01: Keep a journal of events as they happen, with dates and details.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_01: When you feel confused, go back and read it.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_01: Also, trust your gut.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_01: If something feels off, it probably is.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_01: Don't let anyone rewrite your history.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_00: Gaslighting is one of the most insidious forms of emotional abuse because it attacks your very sense of self.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_00: And the fifth sign?
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_01: The fifth sign is the cycle of abuse.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_01: It's not constant.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_01: They'll be cruel, then suddenly sweet again, hoovering you back with apologies, gifts, or promises to change.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_01: That intermittent reinforcement is what makes it so addictive and so hard to leave.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_01: Because you keep hoping the good version will stay.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_00: That cycle is so hard to break because the good times feel so good.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_00: It's like a slot machine.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_00: You keep pulling the lever hoping for the jackpot.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: What advice do you give someone caught in that loop?
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_01: Recognize that the good times are part of the manipulation, not evidence of real love.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_01: Real love is consistent, not a roller coaster.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_01: Seek professional help and build a safety plan if needed.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_01: You deserve stability.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_00: Wow, those five signs are powerful and so important to recognize.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_00: Shannon, you're writing a new book after life after emotional abuse that tells people when to date again.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_00: Can you share a little about what readers can expect?
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, I'm really excited about it.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_01: The working title is about navigating the journey after healing.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_01: It's not just about avoiding narcissists, it's about knowing when your heart is truly ready, what green flags to look for, and how to trust yourself again after betrayal.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_01: It's a roadmap for healthy re-entry into dating.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: That book sounds like a lifeline.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_00: Many people after abuse feel like they've lost their ability to trust their own judgment.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: How does your book help them rebuild that discernment?
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_01: It includes practical exercises to identify your core values, recognize red and green flags, and practice setting boundaries in low-stakes situations.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_01: It's about retraining your intuition so you can trust yourself again.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: That's so needed.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_00: Many people either rush back into dating too soon or stay closed off forever out of fear.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_00: How do you know when it's actually time to date again?
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_01: A key indicator is that you no longer feel desperate for a relationship.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_01: You've done the inner work, you can sit with loneliness without panic, and you're not looking for someone to complete you but to compliment you.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_01: Also, you can spot red flags without ignoring them or making excuses.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: That's so freeing, not needing someone to complete you.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: In Christian circles, we sometimes overemphasize finding the one as if we're incomplete without a spouse.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_00: But God calls us to wholeness first.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_01: Exactly.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_01: Jesus said, the greatest commandment is to love God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength and love your neighbor as yourself.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_01: You can't love your neighbor well if you don't love yourself in a healthy, God-centered way.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: That's wisdom.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_00: Now, as a pastor, I want to bring a biblical perspective into this conversation.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_00: Shannon, you mentioned finding a holy man.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_00: Can you talk about what Christ-like qualities someone should look for in a potential partner?
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_01: Absolutely.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_01: The Bible gives us a clear picture.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_01: In Galatians chapter 5, the fruit of the Spirit, love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control are the markers of a person walking with God.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_01: A holy man will exhibit these consistently, not just when it's convenient, or when he's trying to impress you.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_00: The fruit of the spirit is such a practical checklist, but someone can fake kindness for a while.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_00: How do you discern if these qualities are genuine or just a mask?
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_01: Look for consistency over time and in different contexts.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_01: Watch how they treat people who can do nothing for them.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_01: Also, observe how they respond when they don't get their way, that reveals the true heart.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_00: That's the foundation.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_00: I'd love to share a Bible story.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_00: Think about Joseph, the earthly father of Jesus.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_00: When he found out Mary was pregnant, he could have publicly shamed her, but the Bible says he was a righteous man and planned to divorce her quietly.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_00: Then an angel told him the truth, and he obeyed immediately, taking Mary as his wife.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_00: That's a man of quiet strength, humility, and obedience.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_01: Joseph is such a great example.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_01: He didn't seek attention or control, he protected and provided.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_01: Another quality is servant leadership, like Jesus washing the disciples, feet.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_01: A holy man leads by serving, not by dominating or demanding.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_00: Joseph's obedience is remarkable.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_00: He didn't argue with the angel, he just acted.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_00: That's a man who was secure in his identity and his relationship with God.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_00: That's the kind of stability we should look for.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, and stability is so underrated.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_01: A holy man doesn't need to be the center of attention.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_01: He's grounded.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_01: He can be calm in a crisis and gentle in conflict.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_01: Those are qualities that build a safe home.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, and Ephesians chapter 5 says husbands should love their wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_00: That's sacrificial love, not selfish love.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_00: And narcissists does the opposite.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_00: They take, they demand, they consume, and they leave you empty.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_01: Exactly.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_01: And 1 Corinthians chapter 13 describes real love.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_01: Patient, kind, not envious or boastful, not arrogant or rude, not insisting on its own way, not irritable or resentful.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_01: If a man doesn't match that description, he's not ready for a godly relationship, no matter how charming he seems.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_01: Absolutely.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_01: Love is not just a feeling, it's a series of choices.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_01: A godly man chooses to be patient when he's frustrated, kind when he's tired, and faithful when it's hard.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_01: That's the real test.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_00: That's the gold standard.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_00: Shannon, what about the timing?
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_00: You mentioned your new book addresses, When to Date Again.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_00: Is there a biblical principle for that season of waiting and healing?
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_01: Ecclesiastes chapter 3 says there's a time for everything: a time to heal, a time to build, a time to love.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_01: After emotional abuse, you need a season of restoration.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_01: Rushing into dating before you've healed is like planting seeds in scorched earth.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_01: You need to let God restore your soul first.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_00: That image of planting seeds in scorched earth is powerful.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_00: Healing isn't just waiting, it's active restoration.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_00: What are some practical steps someone can take during that season?
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_01: Therapy with a trauma-informed counselor, joining a support group, journaling, prayer, and studying God's word about identity.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_01: Also, learning to set boundaries with toxic people, even family members.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_01: It's a holistic process.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_00: Beautiful.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_00: And Psalm chapter 147 says God heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_00: That healing is not passive, it's active work with a counselor, a support group, prayer, and time in the Word.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_01: And in my new book, I walk readers through practical steps to rebuild their identity in Christ so they don't just survive, they thrive.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_01: Then when they date again, they're not looking for a savior, they're looking for a partner who reflects God's love.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_00: That's so important.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_00: Now, we promised our listeners a new scripture about finding someone holy to be with, one we haven't used in previous episodes.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_00: Shannon, do you have one in mind?
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_01: I do, Jake.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_01: It's from Proverbs chapter 31, but not the part people usually quote about the virtuous woman.
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_01: Verse 10 says, A wife of noble character who can find.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_01: She is worth far more than rubies.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_01: But the principle applies to men too.
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_01: Look for noble character, not charm or wealth.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_01: That's the treasure.
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_00: That's a great one.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_00: And I want to add 2 Corinthians chapter 6, verse 14.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_00: Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers.
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_00: For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness, or what fellowship has light with darkness?
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_00: That's a clear call to seek someone who shares your faith and values.
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, and that's not about being judgmental.
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_01: It's about wisdom.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_01: A narcissist may claim to be a Christian, but their fruit will show otherwise.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_01: Jesus said you'll know them by their fruit.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_01: So watch how they treat wait staff, how they handle conflict, how they speak about their exes.
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_01: Those reveal character.
• 12:03
  SPEAKER_00: That's practical wisdom.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_00: Now, Shannon, you have some exciting resources for our listeners.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_00: Can you tell them where to find help and support?
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_01: Absolutely.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_01: Please visit ShannonAlder.com to learn about the 90 Days to Freedom Workbook, which is a supplemental to my new book on life after narcissism coming out next year.
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_01: I'm also creating a new course on how to break the trauma bond in 90 days.
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_01: All of that is on my website.
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_00: That's incredible.
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_00: And don't forget to follow us on all podcast platforms and stop by Staying Positive University on Facebook for uplifting quotes about emotional abuse.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_00: We want to build a community of healing and hope.
• 12:37
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, community is so vital.
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_01: You don't have to walk this road alone.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_01: There are people who understand, and God sees your pain, he has not abandoned you.
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_00: Amen.
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_00: Before we close, I want to read a scripture about overcoming abuse, and then I'll pray over our listeners.
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_00: This is from Isaiah 41, verse 10.
• 12:57
  SPEAKER_00: Fear not, for I am with you.
• 12:59
  SPEAKER_00: Be not dismayed, for I am your God.
• 13:01
  SPEAKER_00: I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
• 13:06
  SPEAKER_01: That's a powerful promise.
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_01: God is with you in the valley, and he will bring you out.
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_01: Hold on to that truth.
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_00: Let's pray.
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_00: Father God, we come before you with hearts that have been wounded by manipulation and abuse.
• 13:19
  SPEAKER_00: We ask for your healing balm over every listener right now.
• 13:23
  SPEAKER_00: Break every chain of trauma, silence every lie of the enemy, and restore their identity in Christ.
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_00: Give them wisdom to discern real love from counterfeit love.
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_00: Surround them with safe people and guide them to the resources they need.
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_00: We declare freedom over their minds and peace over their hearts.
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_00: In Jesus' mighty name, Amen.
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_01: Amen.
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you, Jake, and thank you to everyone listening.
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_01: Remember, you are worthy of real love, and God has a plan for your future, a plan to prosper you and not to harm you.
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_00: That's all for today's episode of the Toxic Podcast.
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_00: God bless you, and we'll see you next time.