Latest / Man In Your Corner with Shaun Tucker / Ep. 26 | Overcoming Dad Guilt: How I Reclaimed Presence as a Founder Dad
Transcript
- Shaun: This is The Reset. I am Shaun Tucker. This is episode 26. Today I'm going to talk about something that came across my feed earlier, which was a young man, 26 year old, talking to his 16 year old self and what that sort of means. And it was interesting because That 26 year old. has goals, has ambitions. But so does the 16 year old. And it was so interesting to watch this 16 year old version, which was still his 26 year old self, but he was just reflecting back to the person that he has become and what's changed in the last 10 years compared to the plan that he had. So what does he have now versus what he actually wanted to have in his life, when he was a 16 year old? And this got me thinking along the lines of I am really passionate about being a dad and being the best dad that I can be. And that means that I have to show up. I get to show up well, the best possible version of myself in fitness, in my body, in my business, and just as a dad being present. Because one of the greatest gifts I realized that I can offer my daughter is being present. And I want to tell you a short story. So around two years ago, my daughter was born. And it was about... When she was four months old, I was really trying to hustle my business to get to the point where I could let my wife decide whether she wanted to go back to work. Because financially, I wasn't able to support her and my whole family, given that. the state of my business. It was a moment that I can't forget, that I can't easily wipe away. But it was a moment where I was sitting, my daughter was four months old. She was laying down right next to me. I was letting my wife, was ironically, she was working, I think one day a week at this point. And she was in the home. but my daughter was in my care. She was rolling around on the floor, learning to control her head, learning how to roll before obviously she learns to crawl and walk. And these milestones, these developmental milestones of kids, if you miss them, they're gone forever, right? If you miss the first time, if you miss those moments where they're developing. you see them having already developed but you don't see those developing stages. And so I remember sitting in my chair, I was writing a piece of content for my business and I was on the computer writing it out. Because you know with a four month old you don't really have to do a lot except really change their nappies. kind of ensure that you you're present and aware that they're safe and those kind of things but there's not a whole lot of feedback you get from being with your child at this age and I guess part of me was quite disconnected from her to be honest with you because of what I'm gonna say now and I wish I had this little bit of wisdom or experience shared with me before I become a dad because Now I work so hard to make it so that I am a present dad. Make it so that my priorities are in alignment with what I want. And so I was sitting there. My daughter was rolling around. Barely rolling around, I should say. And I was looking at my computer screen, just as I am now. I was typing and I was really struggling to get this piece of content out of my head into the keyboard. I remember looking over at my daughter, looking back at the computer screen, looking over at my daughter, looking back at my computer screen. just feeling so stressed out like feeling so much pressure in myself that I actually started crying. and looked back over at my daughter. And I said to myself, what are you doing man? You're trying to force yourself to write out content. Your daughter is right there. learning to roll around by herself. You're trying to be in two places at once. but you can't. So what is going on? And so at that moment... I wrote down on a piece of paper, what is it that's causing me so much stress? And there were four areas in my life that were causing me a lot of stress. One of them was not being a present dad. And out of those four areas of my life, just seeing them made me tear up even more. I was crying. That wasn't enough. I had to know how much I felt, relatively. which one was causing me the most stress. Because it's easy to say that it's this, but when you put a number to it, makes things much more real. It's like a time frame. like a number. A number in the bank account means more than just saying I want to be rich, right? Being specific. And so I put out what was the number out of 10 in how much stress it was causing me. And the thing that was causing me the most stress, see on the surface level I would have said that it was finances, right? I'm not able to support being there for my family and provide for my entire household. so that I give my wife the choice whether she wants to go back to work or not. The thing that was causing me the most stress was actually not being a present dad, which ironically had that on-floor effect of not being a present partner. and I looked over at my daughter again. And I said, I'm just going to trust this. I'm gonna forget the business as the number one priority and I'm gonna watch what happens. I'm just gonna let this unfold because when I have become ridiculously focused in one area, it's normally taken from other areas. And the reason I say that is because I know a lot of dads out there right now are doing the same thing. And being a present dad to me was the most important thing that I set my mission to be. It became my purpose. And there was a lot of shaming and guilt involved with letting go. letting the business grow on its own, letting what I was creating find its alignment within me and equally finding my alignment with it. Instead of coming from force, coming from flow and ease. And I know that to many dads right now is probably sounding pretty ridiculous. Like you're a man, you have to rise to the challenge, But you have to understand there are many things that led me to this point. one of them was being bullied into this trying to be an alpha, kind of rah-rah fitness coach. and fitting into that alpha scene which is not me. I was trying to be someone and fit the role of someone who I thought I had to be rather than the one I get to be. And because I made that conscious choice of knowing my priorities and sticking to them. This was the transformation inside of myself that led me to create a business that I feel extremely fulfilled in. One that I get to wake up every morning and feel a sense of purpose, a sense of pride that I am making a difference in people's lives because of the choice that I made. And not only that, the fact that I get to take care of my family. in a way that's meaningful to our whole family dynamic, that's what gets me excited. That's what gets me out of bed. That's what makes me proud to lead other dads and allow them to do the same thing. Because it's not what we do, it's how we do it. It's how we are when we're doing it that makes all the difference. And if you're coming from a place of lack and a sense of you need to do it because you're surviving, just notice where you're not present in other areas of your life. Because at this point I wasn't even really working on my health when I had that moment with my daughter. Because I wasn't feeling the endorphins that made me feel good from doing the exercise. So it's fair to say that I had lost myself pretty deep in trying to prove myself to others. The only person that I needed to prove was letting go of the fact that I don't need to prove it to anyone. I don't even need to prove myself to myself. But the fact is, I get to show up every single day and break my limitations of... of what I think I'm capable of. And that to me is far more rewarding than competing against people outside of you. Because I'm rising to the challenge now, not from a place of competing against anyone, not even myself, but rising to the challenge because I want to feel more alive. I don't want to feel like it's taking away anything from me. I don't want to feel like it's taking away from my sleep. And that's why I wake up at four in the morning or between four and five o'clock in the morning. I wake up between 4 and 5 o'clock in the morning because I get to, because I get to spend that time working on myself so that I get to give to all those people around me, including myself, my community, my family, and I get to raise the standard of other men by just being myself and following the things that I love, which are fitness, health, business, and... building systems that can sustain all of those things. So if you want to know how to build a body that works with your business through a sustainable system that you can follow forever, then let's have a chat. And secondly, come along. If you live in Melbourne in the South Eastern suburbs, come along to my free fitness for dads on Sunday morning. We meet every single Sunday. Six in the morning, we have a 45 minute workout followed by coffees and chats at Mackie Road Cafe just in Mulgrave here in the Melbourne Southeast. And if you found value in today's episode, I'd love for you to share it with one dad. ⁓ the more that this ⁓ organically in that way, ⁓ more impact, the value we can create for our entire community. ⁓ Thanks for tuning in and I look forward to seeing you in tomorrow's episode.