Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / S3 Ep8: He Knows What a Period Is—And That's Hot 🤣

Transcript

S3 Ep8: He Knows What a Period Is—And That's Hot 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_03: My ex and I, we were together for a really long time, so we knew so much about each other, but one thing that he didn't know about me until toward the end, I told him that sometimes I pee in the shower.
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_03: And by sometimes, I mean every time.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_03: And don't you guys act like you don't do it too.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_03: We are all swamp monsters.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_03: There is no drug in the history of time with a higher addiction rate than peeing in the shower.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_03: Okay?
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_03: You think you're better than that, you think you're above doing it, and then you let yourself do it one time.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_03: And you're like, well, I guess I'm doing this every day for the rest of my life.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_03: It is the best.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_03: I feel like I'm on vacation every day.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_03: Just carefree living.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_03: And I thought that he and I were gonna bond over it, you know?
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_03: Like maybe we had the same dirty little secret.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_03: And instead, he was like, What?
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, gross! That means every time I shower, I've just been standing in your pee.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_03: I was like, I do it while I'm showering.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_03: Like the water takes it down the drain immediately.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_03: You're acting like I walk into our bathroom, drop my pants, stand in the shower, and just piss on dry porcelain like a serial killer.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_03: And then get out, put my pants back on, and just leave you a puddle of urine like a feral cat.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_03: I was like, I'm gonna start peeing on your pillow, give me some real problems.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_03: This is nonsense.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_03: One of my friends told me that apparently we're all supposed to throw our pillows away once a year and get new ones.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_03: You guys been doing that?
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_03: Uh, feels good to be gross together, huh?
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_03: We all have such a weird attitude toward pillows, because they cost like 10 bucks, but we all keep the same disgusting pillows for decades.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_03: Like it's the Great Depression.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_03: Like we're some old prospector, like, well, this here's the pillow they gave me at the orphanage, and I'll be goddamned if this ain't the same pillow I die with.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_03: Why?
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_03: Pillows and towels, right?
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_03: Like, we never get rid of towels.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_03: They just eventually become the ones you like dry the dog with.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_03: Why are we holding on to so many?
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_03: Do we all think we're gonna have like a home birth someday?
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, sop some stuff up.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_03: My grandparents' towels are historical artifacts at this point.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_03: I don't know if you visited your elders recently.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_03: They have washcloths that look like they were woven from wheat.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_03: I'm like, did this belong to Jesus?
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_03: I feel like I'm drying my face with a trisket.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_03: My eyelids are bleeding.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_03: So I got on dating apps for the first time last year, and uh they let me onto the celebrity dating app, which listen, obviously they use the term celebrity real loosely.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_03: If they saw my wiki feed, they'd be like, absolutely not.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_03: We got she can't sit with us.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_03: They let in somebody who's 32 and still shops at Forever 21.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_03: So I for sure tricked them.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_03: Uh I know that store is trash, but I just can't stop going.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_03: I just love it so much.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_03: The last time I was there, I told the girl at the register that I found a makeup stain on this tank top I wanted, and I asked if I could get a discount, and she just stared at me with dead eyes and was like, It's already only$2.99.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_01: Like, do you want us to just give you the tank top?
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_01: And pay off your student loans.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_01: This is forever 21, everything's stained.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_01: It's basically an animal shelter.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_01: God, I love that store.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_03: The first date I went on through the celebrity app was such a disaster.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_03: I went out with this guy who was from Europe originally.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_03: So he had this really thick European accent, and some of the words he said sounded like other words.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_03: So he was telling me about his cat, and he goes, Yeah, you'll know I um I love my cat, but uh he rapes my shirt.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_03: And my brain was like, that can't be right.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_03: No.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_03: So I sat with it for a second and I was like, oh, oh, he rips your shirts.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_03: Sorry, I just I thought you said that he rapes your shirt.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_03: And with zero hesitation, this dude goes, Yeah, no, he rapes my shirts, and I uh I don't understand why, because he's neutered, but he will not stop raping my shirts, so then I had to hide my shirts, and then I gave him a blanket, and now that's his rape blanket, and I'm like, what the fuck?
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_03: Am I on a hidden camera show?
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_03: Where if this dude says rape 18 times before dessert, he wins a jet ski?
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_03: Like is this one of Ted Bundy's kids with just started covering all my holes.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_03: I was like, I don't like this.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_03: This is a bad, bad vibe.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_03: So I was like, alright, I'm gonna give this five more minutes.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_03: So he starts telling me that he goes on boats a lot, and I was like, oh, you ever worry about shark attacks?
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_03: And I swear to God, he goes, Yeah, no, you don't really have to worry about sharks so much, but uh you do have to worry about dolphins because they are the rapists of the sea.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_03: And I was like, Alright, get out of here.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_03: Bye.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_03: Enjoy the jet ski, I'm sure you won.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_03: Lunatic.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_03: That was my first ADN app experience.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_03: Fortunately, it's been better since then.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_03: Uh I'm seeing a guy in his 40s now.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_03: Uh he has adult children, okay?
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_03: He has lived more life than I have.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_03: He knows more things.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_03: And I told him that I was hesitant to hook up with him the first time because I was on my period.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_03: And he goes, I don't get why guys are ever grossed out by that.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_03: You're just shedding your uterine lining.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_03: I was like, that is the hottest thing that anybody's ever said to me.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_03: I didn't even know that's what happens during my period.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_03: I was like, okay, Gray's anatomy.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_03: Who are you?
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_03: The bar is said real low after all rate blanket, so you just do a gentle hop over into my heart, you know, with your snapple fun facts about periods.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_03: Well, I don't know any of those things.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_03: Somebody could come up to me on the street with a microphone and be like, ma'am, for a million dollars, what happens during your period?
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_03: And I'd be like, I'm gonna go with the egg is melting.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_03: They'd be like, were you homeschooled?
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_03: My parents were playing foosball.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_03: I don't know.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_03: They didn't teach me these things.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_03: He's uh he's also the first guy I've ever been with who has had a vasectomy.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_03: So I had some questions about that.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_03: I was like, when you finish, is it clear?
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_03: Like that white Gatorade flavor?
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_03: Just have glacier frost on tap?
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_03: What's going on?
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_03: I'm just trying to prepare myself.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_03: I was like, does it taste better when there aren't kids in it?
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_03: It's like, or maybe it's just air, right?
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_03: Like one of those pressurized keyboard dusters that's like psh, you're like, oh.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_03: Startles you.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_03: You gotta point it away or you'll lose an eye.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_03: And maybe fix a tire.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_03: Finally, I just went build an eye on his ass.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_03: I was like, I am blowing you in the name of science.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_03: This is field research at this point.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_03: And uh turns out it's like normal.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_03: I guess it's kind of like beyond burger.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_03: Like it looks the same.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_03: And then once it's in your mouth, you're like, something's missing.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_03: This is like diet cum.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_03: It's another joke I wrote next to Wendell.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_03: He uh Yeah, he got an eyeful that flight.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_03: Saw some things.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_03: A lot of my friends are getting engaged and married right now, and one of them just had an engagement party with her fiance, and they played one of those games where they have signs that say him and her, and they held them up when they got asked questions like, who's the better cook?
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_03: Hmm.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_03: Who takes longer to get ready?
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_03: We were all just like, oh my god.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_03: I'm like, you guys are getting married.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_03: Let's get into some real shit.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_03: Like, who has a drinking problem?
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_03: Who's settling?
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_03: I'm like, let me run this game, huh?
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_03: We'll call it getting cold feet.
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_03: Let's test drive this son of a gun.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_03: So one of the things that I learned that was hard in going from being married and living with somebody for eight years into being single and living alone is that no one touches you anymore.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_03: And I know it sounds weird to say it like that, but if you live with somebody, there's like a fair amount of touching that happens throughout the day.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_03: So, my lowest point in quarantine, I started watching ASMR videos on YouTube where a girl would hold a hairbrush up to the camera lens and she would simulate that she was brushing your hair.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_02: And I would just ram my forehead up against my laptop.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_02: Like, uh, pet me, Rachel.
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_02: You dirty bitch.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_03: As soon as businesses open up, I made all of the touching appointments.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_03: I was like, I'm getting a massage, I'm getting a manicure.
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_03: Look, I made a dentist appointment just because I'm missed feeling somebody in my mouth.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_03: Okay?
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_03: Don't you judge me.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_03: It was hard.
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_03: My dentist is this like 65-year-old Armenian man.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_03: I was like, floss it up, daddy.
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_03: Use your toys.
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_03: He was like, I prefer you call them tools.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_03: I was like, Dimitri, I need this.
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_03: Hush your lips.
• 12:13
  SPEAKER_03: Just tell me when to spit.
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_03: One of the appointments I had made was for a bikini wax.
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_03: And I had been going to salons before COVID to get bikini waxes.
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_03: I had tried doing some of those like at-home kits, and I just learned that there are some parts of my nethers that I do not have the strength of spirit to wax myself.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_03: Listen to me, if you can wax your own lips, you're a psychopath.
• 12:49
  SPEAKER_03: That is some Steve-O-Jackass level masochism.
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_03: I want no part of it.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_03: So I've been going to the salons, and then the salons closed for six months, and things got scary.
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_03: There's so many beautiful women here tonight.
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_03: I feel like a lot of women started 2020 with like a landing strip.
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_03: And by July, it was just a full airport.
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_03: You can land anywhere.
• 13:18
  SPEAKER_03: There's a Cinnabon and a Panda Express.
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_03: There's a shuttle that takes you to a rental car lot.
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_03: I mean, employees, W9s, it's a lot going on.
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_03: So finally, the salons open back up, and I immediately made an appointment.
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_03: And I remembered there's that rule that the hair has to be at least a quarter inch long in order for the wax to be able to pick it up.
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_03: Oh my god.
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_03: And do we need a medic?
• 13:48
  SPEAKER_03: Are you okay?
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_03: Are you too much for you?
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_03: She's like, I can't.
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_03: It's a 7 30 show.
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_03: I didn't know what this was.
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_01: I mean I don't like hockey, and we had a group on, but I cheese.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_03: She's like, this is not the Christian way.
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_03: I'm sorry.
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_03: Oh yeah.
• 14:25
  SPEAKER_03: So I remembered there's that rule that the hair has to be at least a quarter inch long in order for the wax to be able to pick it up.
• 14:31
  SPEAKER_03: And I looked down and was like, well, that's not gonna be a problem.
• 14:39
  SPEAKER_03: But for the first time in my life, I worried that maybe it's bad if the hair is longer than a quarter inch.
• 14:49
  SPEAKER_03: So I called the salon.
• 14:55
  SPEAKER_03: So embarrassing.
• 14:58
  SPEAKER_03: I was like, okay, I have an appointment today.
• 15:04
  SPEAKER_03: It's been a rough quarantine.
• 15:06
  SPEAKER_03: Is there like a maximum hair requirement?
• 15:16
  SPEAKER_03: And this poor girl just goes, I mean, how long are we talking?
• 15:33
  SPEAKER_03: And I wasn't prepared to answer that.
• 15:37
  SPEAKER_03: So I panicked and was like, we could probably donate it.
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_03: No.
• 15:52
  SPEAKER_03: I don't know if Locks of Love specifies which type of hair they accept, but maybe somebody needs fake eyelashes.
• 15:59
  SPEAKER_03: I don't know.
• 16:02
  SPEAKER_03: We don't know where that hair comes from.
• 16:05
  SPEAKER_03: I'll just throwing them on and praying, but could be pubes.
• 16:09
  SPEAKER_03: I don't know.
• 16:12
  SPEAKER_03: Basically, I feel like a lot of us were walking around kind of looking like the opposite of a porn star in 2020, right?
• 16:17
  SPEAKER_03: Which is totally fine.
• 16:19
  SPEAKER_03: Uh my friend Jay actually told me that my celebrity look-alike is this porn star named Jessie Rogers.
• 16:25
  SPEAKER_03: So I Googled her, and the first picture that popped up was her doing hardcore anal.
• 16:32
  SPEAKER_03: And I got a little creeped out, realizing that my friend Jay saw that and thought.
• 16:43
  SPEAKER_03: You know who this reminds me of?
• 16:51
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 16:53
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, backdoor cliff, look at her go.
• 16:57
  SPEAKER_03: A plus.
• 16:58
  SPEAKER_03: What is the matter with you, Jay?
• 17:00
  SPEAKER_03: But by the way, it's so nice to be able to tell that joke in person again because I've had to tell it on mostly virtual shows the past two years, and I realized that halfway through the joke, everybody would just open a new browser.
• 17:21
  SPEAKER_03: It would just get really quiet, and I'd be like, Hello?
• 17:26
  SPEAKER_03: Everybody show me your hands.
• 17:27
  SPEAKER_03: I don't trust you.
• 17:28
  SPEAKER_00: What are you doing?
• 17:32
  SPEAKER_03: I uh I had to check into a hotel on the road recently, and it was early in the morning, and the woman checking me in, well, she's a little older, and uh she goes, I just have to tell you, you look so much like Amy Adams.
• 17:43
  SPEAKER_03: I don't know if you ever hear that, but you really look like her.
• 17:46
  SPEAKER_03: And it took all of my strength to not pull my phone out and be like, you know who everybody else says I look like?
• 17:51
  SPEAKER_03: I'm just really a blaster with a b hole at 8 a.m.
• 17:59
  SPEAKER_03: I just