Latest / Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell / Divorce As An Awakening

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Divorce As An Awakening · Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate, a podcast covering all things relationships, separation and divorce.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: How to create healthy, happy, fulfilling relationships without sacrificing any part of yourself.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: Supporting anyone feeling challenged in their relationship or marriage.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: These are confidential conversations for you if you're navigating separation, divorce or reorganising life afterwards.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: Decide whether to stay or leave a relationship or marriage, divorce with less drama, and consciously choose what's next for you.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: I acknowledge the traditional owners of the land on which this podcast is recorded, the Warrentry people of the Kulin Nation, and pay my respects to their elders, past, present, and emerging.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: I acknowledge them as the original storytellers of this land.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to this week's episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_00: And today I'm going to be talking about divorce.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_00: Obviously.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: But talking about divorce not just as an ending but as an awakening.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_00: And this episode has been prompted by a couple of things, really.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_00: A conversation with a current client in session about how she feels like she is opening up, waking up, awakening after an unexpected separation.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_00: And also by a masterclass that I've been asked to present for the Silver Sirens community, a community of women over 50, which I've created using the same framework and parts of what I'm going to share in today's episode.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_00: Now, whether you chose it or not, whether you're navigating the aftermath of divorce or you're still sitting in that, in the discomfort and confusion and overwhelm of should I stay or go, that space, this moment or space can be an invitation, your invitation to wake up, to see your life and yourself more clearly, maybe for the first time in a really long time, possibly for the first time ever.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: It's an opportunity to get really honest with yourself, to really deeply and honestly look at the life that you've created, the way you're showing up in your own life and the world, and maybe make some changes, choose a different path.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_00: It's also an opportunity and an invitation to reconnect to yourself, to reconnect to who you really are and kind of redefine what life is going to look like in this next phase, next chapter.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_00: So this isn't just for any of you who've left or been left and are putting the pieces back together.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_00: It's also for you if you're still in the relationship but wondering what happened to you, sort of along the way.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_00: So it's for you, whether you're in your 30s, your 40s, your 50s, or beyond, this is your reminder that your story isn't over and that perhaps the best chapters may even be the ones that you're yet to write.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_00: For anyone who experiences it, navigates it, goes through it, divorce is so rarely just about a relationship ending.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: It's an interruption of your entire life, world, identity, who you are at your core can be shaken and really needs tending and time and recalibration.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: And so I'm gonna speak here particularly to women because it is gendered, and for so long, for so many of us hold all the things, juggle all the balls, you know.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_00: We be all the things, we play all the roles: the wife, the mother, the caretaker, the partner, sometimes the peacekeeper, you know, the steady, solid one, the strong one, the one who does all the emotional labour, the one who carries the mental load for everyone in the family.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_00: And when when your life is shaken, upended by a separation, divorce, it can really, as I said, shake who you are to sort of to your core.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_00: You know, you come out questioning, well, who am I now?
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: If I'm not all those things anymore, who am I?
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_00: So the question really then becomes who gets to emerge in the next chapter?
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_00: Who am I becoming?
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_00: Who am I evolving into?
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_00: And there's a there's a myth, a story that gets told, and I want to really burn it to the ground, and that is that if your relationship ends, whether you're in your 30s or 40s or 50s or even older, there's a message, particularly for women, that you've missed your moment, you've missed your one chance, and that you're too old, you're too late, you're too tired, you've got too much baggage, and it's it's rubbish, it's crap, because this can actually be the most powerful moment that you've ever had, precisely because you've lived, you've learned, you've loved deeply, you've already grown and expanded and shifted and changed, and you've probably also lost or forgotten or put down or let go of parts of yourself along the way through that relationship, even through trying to hold on to it, to fix it, to heal it, right?
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_00: You've put parts of yourself down, and in playing all of those roles that I spoke about earlier, we sometimes lose sight of or let go of parts of ourselves, and so this is an invitation, it can be a real opportunity, an invitation to come back, to come back to yourself, to pick yourself, to choose yourself, and to choose not just surviving through this really rough season, but a reclamation to choose and allow it to be an awakening, even if you didn't choose the separation and the or the divorce.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: And so I'm gonna step you through something I use with my clients, and as I said, that I'm using or presenting in the masterclass upcoming for Silver Sirens, and that's the five R's of reclamation after divorce, and they are reflect, release, realign, rebuild, and rise.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_00: So reflection is the first one, it's your pause point, it's where either you've made the decision, it's mutual decision, or you've called it, or your partner has called it, and you've processed that decision, the next is an opportunity to pause.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_00: It's where the awakening begins, where it's birthed, and it's where you stop outsourcing your truth or your power and choose to turn inward instead.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: If you're in the relationship by questioning, this is where you ask yourself, who really am I now?
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_00: What do I want?
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_00: What do I really want?
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_00: What do I want more of?
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_00: What do I want less of?
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_00: Where am I settling?
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_00: What am I allowing?
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_00: What am I tolerating?
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_00: What's missing here and why?
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_00: Who am I and who do I want to evolve into?
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: If you're post-divorce in that liminal space where all the paperwork's done, the agreements are finalized, the money and the assets are all divided, where a lot of that noise has kind of toned down.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: This is almost a sacred space where you can allow yourself time and space to look in the rear vision mirror, where you can acknowledge what was, not only what happened, all the negative or the bad stuff, but also some of the good.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_00: You know, there was love once.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_00: You can also begin to look at the stories that you've believed, the roles you've played, what you brought into the relationship, how you showed up in that relationship, and and really importantly, here as part of the reflection, who you were before, who you were before you got lost in this relationship or enmeshed in this relationship, in the mess of divorce, before you lost a little of yourself in someone else in this relationship.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_00: Who were you then?
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_00: So questions to ask yourself in the reflect phase are things like, What if what have I been asleep to?
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_00: What have I been unable to see or unwilling to look at?
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_00: What needs to be brought to the surface?
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_00: Where have I maybe abandoned my own needs?
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_00: Put myself down further down the list?
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_00: Where did I let go of myself, my hopes, my dreams?
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_00: Or what did I let go of my what did I let go of?
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_00: Where and how was I my own powerhouse?
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_00: Where was I strong and solid and powerful?
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_00: And what's whispering inside me?
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_00: What's asking to be heard?
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_00: What's asking to be seen?
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_00: Step two is release.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_00: It's like letting go to wake up.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_00: Release is where that awakening deepens, where you begin to see what's no longer yours, maybe never ever was, what's no longer yours to carry, you know, outdated beliefs, expectations of others, guilt or shame, the guilt, the roles, the stories that don't serve you anymore, limiting beliefs that have maybe held you back or are still holding you back, keeping you small, all that conditioning we've been layered with since birth, all the stories about relationships and marriage and divorce.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_00: What do you need to release?
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_00: You know, it might be the idea that you know staying in a relationship is is success.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_00: Or it might be around fear of being alone, never being picked, never being chosen again, the belief that you are too much or not enough might be around what it means to be good, a good wife, a good woman, a good mother.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_00: So whether you're still in the relationship or out of it, release is about easing and lightening your mental and emotional load so you can choose and move forward with more freedom.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_00: You know, ask things like what am I ready to let go of?
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_00: What feels really heavy for me to hold?
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_00: What's weighing me down?
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_00: Or what have I been clinging to, holding on to that no longer feels true or aligned?
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_00: What are the stories I'm telling myself?
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_00: Because we're all telling ourselves stories, right?
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_00: So what are you ready to release?
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_00: Number three is realignment, and this is where your clarity begins to surface, begins to rise after the shedding, after the release.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_00: This phase is about really tuning into what's true for you now, with what actually matters to you now.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_00: Not the stories, not what you've released, but now who you are, how you want to feel, what you crave, what you deserve, what your values are, what your hopes, your dreams are, what is the vision that you have for your life now?
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_00: Because it's different, right?
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_00: It's different from that person who went into a marriage or relationship maybe years earlier.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_00: What is your vision for your life now?
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_00: It's not necessarily about making massive or dramatic decisions, but it's about aligning with your values, aligning with your knowledge, aligning with your inner wisdom.
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_00: You might, you know, just make some really small changes that really honour that and honour your energy.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_00: You might speak a truth that you've been afraid to voice that's been buried.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_00: You might start honouring yourself by setting boundaries that make you feel safe and sane.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_00: If what I'm sharing about in this episode or any episode is speaking to you and you would like to explore working more closely with me, there is an opportunity to book a free interpret with me in the show.
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_00: I would love to support you through your own reflective, reclaim, and direct coaching experience.
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're still in that stay or go, unsure about staying or leaving, this is a beautiful space to really deeply listen to yourself without pressure.
• 12:35
  SPEAKER_00: But questions to ask in this phase are things like what feels like a yes in my body?
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_00: And of course, the flip of that is what do I intuitively know is a no?
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_00: What drains me and what nourishes me?
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_00: And this is a question I often ask my coaching clients.
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_00: What would I do, or what would you do if you trusted yourself just five percent more?
• 13:01
  SPEAKER_00: Just a little bit.
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_00: It's not, you know, all in.
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_00: It's like, what would I do if I trusted myself five percent more?
• 13:09
  SPEAKER_00: It's about being really clear and really intentional and choosing what matters to me now, what's important, what are my values, and am I living in alignment with all of that?
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_00: Can I bring those two things together?
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_00: What I tell myself I value and my action.
• 13:28
  SPEAKER_00: Am I living in alignment with my values, my hopes, my dreams?
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_00: And if not, how can I realign?
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_00: What is one small way I can live in deeper alignment with what's most important to me, what I claim my values are?
• 13:45
  SPEAKER_00: Step four is rebuilding.
• 13:48
  SPEAKER_00: So once you've aligned, realigned with yourself, it's time to rebuild.
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_00: This doesn't mean rebuilding a version of your old life.
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_00: It means building something more aligned, more awake, more intentional.
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_00: It's about consciously choosing in the big and the small moments, consciously choosing you, centering yourself in your own life.
• 14:13
  SPEAKER_00: So rebuilding might mean reimagining, reimagining what love, what success, what relationship, what family actually means to you.
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_00: It might mean creating daily rhythms and routines that do actually honour you, center you and reflect your values.
• 14:33
  SPEAKER_00: It might mean saying yes to scary things or things that once thought you thought weren't for you, not possible for you.
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_00: Might mean saying no to things that don't light you up or aren't in line with your goals, your dreams, your values.
• 14:51
  SPEAKER_00: This is the phase where you get to dream again, really big and wide on your own terms.
• 15:00
  SPEAKER_00: So dream big, dream wide, dream freely, and reach into possibility.
• 15:05
  SPEAKER_00: Ask things like, what kind of life do I want now?
• 15:09
  SPEAKER_00: How do I want my life to look, to feel in five, ten, twenty years' time?
• 15:16
  SPEAKER_00: What do I need to shift or change?
• 15:18
  SPEAKER_00: And this is part of the realignment too.
• 15:20
  SPEAKER_00: What do I need to shift or change to be moving towards that life or living that life?
• 15:27
  SPEAKER_00: What do I need to put in action?
• 15:29
  SPEAKER_00: Is it the rebuilding phase of that?
• 15:31
  SPEAKER_00: What parts of me am I no longer willing to hide or ignore or put down?
• 15:42
  SPEAKER_00: What parts of me am I actually ready to honour?
• 15:45
  SPEAKER_00: And in terms of action, what's one thing, one bold or even just gentle, small, tiny step I can take that leads me towards the life I most want to be living, that takes me in the direction of what I most deeply desire for myself?
• 16:00
  SPEAKER_00: What am I willing to shift or change or do to live that life, that version of life?
• 16:07
  SPEAKER_00: And powerfully, who am I becoming?
• 16:11
  SPEAKER_00: Who am I evolving into?
• 16:13
  SPEAKER_00: Who am I awakening to?
• 16:15
  SPEAKER_00: Who am I becoming?
• 16:17
  SPEAKER_00: And finally, we rise.
• 16:20
  SPEAKER_00: So rising is the embodiment of all that previous thinking, processing, work, empowered awakening.
• 16:29
  SPEAKER_00: It's not about everything being perfect.
• 16:32
  SPEAKER_00: It's not that the grief and the sadness is gone or the hard things are all over.
• 16:37
  SPEAKER_00: Some of those still will be with you.
• 16:39
  SPEAKER_00: You'll still be experiencing and living some of those things.
• 16:42
  SPEAKER_00: But rising is really about you being anchored, anchored in your truth, anchored in self-trust, anchored in self-belief, anchored in agency and choice and control, but also anchored in and committed to your own awakening, your own expansion.
• 17:03
  SPEAKER_00: Rising doesn't mean you're done.
• 17:05
  SPEAKER_00: We're never done, right?
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_00: Rising means that you've actively chosen to keep going.
• 17:11
  SPEAKER_00: Eyes open, heart open, future focused, moving forward.
• 17:17
  SPEAKER_00: You're awake to your own life and you're awake to all the things that led you here.
• 17:24
  SPEAKER_00: So rising looks like really owning your story without shame or guilt or blame or judgment.
• 17:32
  SPEAKER_00: Owning your story.
• 17:33
  SPEAKER_00: It means taking up space and centering yourself in your own life, and it means living unapologetically.
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_00: And that's not living as an asshole, right?
• 17:44
  SPEAKER_00: That is living your life that you've dreamt and realigned yourself to and reclaimed for yourself, living that version of life unapologetically.
• 17:55
  SPEAKER_00: So ask yourself what would rising look and feel like?
• 18:00
  SPEAKER_00: What does rising mean for me in my daily life, in my daily practice?
• 18:05
  SPEAKER_00: How am I going to show up for myself now?
• 18:08
  SPEAKER_00: And what legacy do I want to create?
• 18:11
  SPEAKER_00: What legacy do I want to create for myself, maybe for my children, in this with this next chapter, with this next version of life?
• 18:20
  SPEAKER_00: I know from living it and from supporting so many others through it, divorce and even the questioning that leads to it can be your awakening.
• 18:33
  SPEAKER_00: It shakes us.
• 18:34
  SPEAKER_00: It should shake us, right?
• 18:36
  SPEAKER_00: It shakes something that's fundamental to who we are, how we're moving through the world.
• 18:41
  SPEAKER_00: But it's also an invitation to come home, to come home to yourself, to come back to yourself, to recalibrate and reclaim.
• 18:49
  SPEAKER_00: So wherever you are, still in relationship questioning, in the messy middle of divorce, just emerging from it, or maybe a few years down the track, you are still becoming, you are still awakening, and there is opportunity to rise.
• 19:06
  SPEAKER_00: And the becoming, it's really brave, it's beautiful, it's difficult, yes, and it's made easier done in community, which is why we're all here together, right?
• 19:15
  SPEAKER_00: What's why you're listening?
• 19:18
  SPEAKER_00: But the awakening is yours, it's all yours.
• 19:24
  SPEAKER_00: There are parts of awakening after divorce that are hard and painful and a bit brutal, but there is also deep, deep beauty in the fact that we get to choose, we get to choose how this next phase of life is going to look, and most importantly, how we want it to feel and how we're going to show up for ourselves in our own life.
• 19:48
  SPEAKER_00: As always, thank you for listening.
• 19:50
  SPEAKER_00: I appreciate you being here and sharing your listening time with me.
• 19:54
  SPEAKER_00: If you know somebody who this episode would support, please share it.
• 19:59
  SPEAKER_00: I would love for you to share it with them so they can feel the power of reflect, reclaim, and liberate.
• 20:08
  SPEAKER_00: Until next time, bye for now.
• 20:12
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sally Ann Hartnell, divorce coach and strategist, and you've been listening to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 20:18
  SPEAKER_00: You can follow me on Instagram at Reflect Coaching, and if you can think of anyone who would love or benefit from listening to this episode, please share it with them.
• 20:26
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also be so grateful if you would follow and review the podcast so we can get in the ears of a whole lot more people just like you who are ready to reclaim and liberate themselves in life and love.
• 20:37
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you'll join me next week for another episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 20:42
  SPEAKER_00: Until then,