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Transcript

S1 Ep26: How I Won His Heart 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: That's the thing, I'm not gonna lie to you.
• 0:01
  SPEAKER_01: As a Puerto Rican girl from the South Bronx, I didn't think I could bag a white boy from the Midwest.
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_01: I thought I was too aggressive.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_01: Because I don't know, I don't know how to soft flirt.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_01: You know what I mean?
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_01: Like, you know how some girls can like really cute flirt?
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_01: Not me.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_01: I'm New York aggressive with it.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_01: I'd be like, yo, I like you, son.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_01: You trying to do this?
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_01: Turns out he liked it.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_01: He was like, I'm scared, I'm gonna follow her.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_01: But I'm not gonna lie to you, man.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_01: Moving from the Midwest to New York, what a culture shock.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_01: I was a c I couldn't start him in the South Bronx.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_01: You know what I mean?
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_01: Like I couldn't.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_01: That's not a starter borough.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_01: You know what I'm saying?
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_01: Like that's right.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_01: We don't start people in the Bronx.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_01: We end them.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_01: Don't shoot the messenger.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_01: Although we do, we shoot the messenger.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_01: Nobody getting messages.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_01: But we found a nice, like a nice starter borough, a story of Queens, great starter borough, right?
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_01: We moved there, man.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_01: I showed them all the artists and coffee shops.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, look, your people did that.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_01: We moved in this nice, quiet neighborhood, or so we thought.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_01: Till one day we were driving around and a fight broke out in the middle of the street.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_01: Two grown men started beating the crap out of each other.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_01: And my sweet Midwestern husband was like, oh no.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_01: I should do something.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, if you don't roll up your window right now, I'll fist fight you myself.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, what you gonna do, Captain America?
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_01: You gonna fight two grown men?
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_01: Uh-uh, you have psoriatic arthritis.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_01: Take a seat.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_01: I'll tell you what's about to happen.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_01: I'm about to watch you get jumped.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_01: That's what's happening.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm gonna watch because I know how to mind my business.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_01: I already learned.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_01: This is your lesson, baby, not mine.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_01: It wasn't like that when we first got to the neighborhood.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_01: When we first got to the neighborhood, the hottest beef on the block were two businesses that were at war with each other.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_01: It was a health food store and a bagel shop.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_01: And the health food store started selling bagels.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_01: That's what I said.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_01: Here's the thing, they could have sold their bagels in secret.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_01: That would have been the respectable thing to do.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_01: But they put out a sign.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_01: Right, and the sign said, we sell organic bagels.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_01: So the bagel shop put out a sign.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_01: And their sign said, there's no such thing as organic bagels.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_01: I saw that, I was like, the block is hot! It's hot in these streets.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_01: My favorite thing is like people still, no matter how crazy it is in New York, people still want to come to New York.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_01: They still want to come.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_01: People dream of coming to New York.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_01: They always tell me it's my dream of going to New York City.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_01: And like, and we know why.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_01: New Yorkers, we know why.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_01: You want something crazy to happen.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_01: You want to see something wild.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_01: You want your weird New York story.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_01: I always tell them, come.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_01: It'll happen.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_01: We aim to please.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_01: The homeless will always provide.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_01: I'm sorry, the unhoused cupcake?
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_01: Cupcake?
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_01: I realize that that's our PC term now, is unhoused.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_01: And look, I was an English major in college.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_01: I'm down to play with language.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_01: Let's do this.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_01: Well, we can talk about unhoused, can't we?
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_01: It's goofy.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_01: I'll tell you why.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_01: Number one, that's the same word.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_01: You can't convince me otherwise.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_01: I have a thesaurus.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_01: You ain't gonna lie to me.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_01: And two, it sounds worse.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_01: Homelessness sounds like a situation that could not have been prevented.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_01: Unhoused sounds like somebody just rolled up on them.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_01: And was like, I'll be taking this.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_01: And no more house for you.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_01: The second I heard it, I was like, what an elitist privileged way of describing a situation, right?
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_01: Alright, you can hear it right away.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_01: Did you hear about Janice?
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_01: She was recently unhoused.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_01: That's the kind of word that is only used to make the speaker of said word feel better about acknowledging a situation they know nothing about.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_01: It just makes them uncomfortable to acknowledge it.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_01: So they created a word as a buffer, but there's no progress in that word.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_01: There is no help in that word.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_01: And if you've ever lived in that situation, then there are a bunch of words you would have used instead of that word.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_01: Like I was shocked.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, nobody thought of nomad.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_01: That's my first choice.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_01: Can you imagine you roll up on a homeless person?
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_01: What up, my nomadic brother?
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_01: Way to stay off the grid, man.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_01: I too am anti-establishment.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_01: Some of the words, honestly, some of the changes, I'm okay with.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_01: You know what I mean?
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_01: Some of the changes I think are pretty brilliant.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_01: I know a lot of people are upset with all the PC language, but I find it kind of entertaining.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_01: Like, did you know on social media now they're calling smoking weed gardening?
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_01: I love it.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, it makes me sound so much more productive.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_01: I've been gardening all day.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_01: Gardening helps me deal with people.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_01: You know, it doesn't matter how crazy New York gets, it's still a vibe.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_01: It's still a city that has its energy.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_01: Man, when you think about it, even when COVID hit, we were the epicenter.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_01: Even COVID came through, like, look, New York is lit.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_01: COVID was like, if I can make it here, I can make it anyway.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_01: Lived its best life.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_01: I remember when they released us um from COVID captivity.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_01: We got rid of that six feet of personal space, day one.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_01: Day one, it was gone, man.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_01: We couldn't wait.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_01: I know because I got on the subway, and within two seconds, I had a guy this close.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_01: Right in my face like that.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, sir, we're the only two people on this train.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_01: I feel like there's a lot of options you're not taking.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_01: But where are you trying to go?
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_01: I thought he was lost for like a second.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe he thought I was the map.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_01: COVID was like a universal trauma that we all shared.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_01: What a crazy time.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_01: Everybody's life changed.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_01: Things changed for people.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_01: I became a mom during the pandemic.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_01: I had a baby.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_01: Which is wild.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you, most of you.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I realize I get a different response depending on like lifestyle-wise and generationally, like who's in the crowd.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_01: Like if it's older people or people with kids, they'll be like, woohoo, you made a person.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_01: But like young single people, y'all be like, I see all your trauma come up to the surface.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_01: Like I said, I'm a mom, not your mom.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't do it.