Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / S5 Ep11: Mama Knows Best 🤣

Transcript

S5 Ep11: Mama Knows Best 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: If I lost something, I lost it.
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_01: My mom would never help us find shit.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_01: Normal parents normal parents help their fucking kids, right?
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_01: Normal parents help.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_01: It's like, okay, what did you did you lose something?
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_01: Your keys?
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_01: What were was it in your pants?
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_01: Well, what jeans?
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_01: Were you wearing jeans?
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_01: Well, let's look for those jeans.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_01: That's how you fucking help your kids find shit.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_01: Not my mom.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_01: If I lost something, I can guarantee my mom's right behind me fucking with me.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_01: She enjoys that shit.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_01: If I'm looking under the couch, I guarantee my mom's right behind me, like, oh, what, what, what?
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_01: What?
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_01: What's under what's under the couch, Joseph?
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_01: Is it your keys?
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_01: Did you lose your kids again?
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_01: Well, maybe they walk under the couch like that.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_01: Now I gotta ask my mom for help.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_01: That's the worst mistake I can make.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_01: Mom, I'm late for work.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_01: Do you know where my keys are, Joseph?
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_01: Did you just ask me where your keys are?
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_01: Isn't that a stupid question?
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_01: That is a stupid question, Joseph.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_01: Excuse me, person that does not drive my car.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_01: Do you know where my keys are?
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_01: That is stupid, Joseph! Why don't you ask me where my keys are?
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_01: I'll know the answer to that.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_01: Come on, Joseph, ask me! Come on! Ask me right now.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_01: Mom, do you know where your keys are?
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_01: Of course I do! Of course I do, Joseph! I know where my keys are all the time.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_01: You know why, Joseph?
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_01: Because I put them in the same place that I always put my keys.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_01: I hang them over here, oh?
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_01: On this wooden plaque that says keys.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_02: Joseph, when you lose something, do you use your eyes to look for it?
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_02: Or do you use your mouth?
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_01: Because every time you lose something, Joseph, you use your mouth to find something.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_01: You can't find anything like that, Joseph.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_01: You just walk around.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_01: Has anybody seen my kids?
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know where my kids are.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_01: I can't somewhere open your eye.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_01: Look for them.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_01: The only time my mom ever got physical with me was at church.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_01: Weirdest place, right?
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_01: Physical at church.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_01: And then the reason why is because when you're 10, 11 years old, you hate church.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_01: For the simple fact that you you don't you gotta sit there for an hour and a half on this wooden pew.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_01: You gotta sit there.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_01: And when you're 10, 11 years old, you don't even have ass meat yet.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_01: It's just bone on wood.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_01: That's why kids move around so much.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_01: Because they can't feel their asses anymore.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_01: And that guy won't stop preaching.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_03: Justin, Joseph, sit up, scared.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_02: What is wrong with you?
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_00: Stop acting like this, huh?
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_00: I'm telling you this is fascinating.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: You better stop acting like this, I'm telling you, you will let me have it.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_02: Turn around, turn around.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_02: Sorry, it's all what is wrong with you?
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_00: Why are you acting like this?
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_00: You better behave, huh?
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_00: This is my natural idea.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_00: I'm kidding right now.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_00: You will not be happy?
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_01: And I would taunt my mom, because we were in church.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, what are you gonna do?
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_02: Are you gonna are you gonna hit me?
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_01: And my mom would take her fingertips, the tips of her nails, and she would grab a pinch of skin.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_01: You know what I'm talking about, right?
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_01: And she would pinch so hard I could actually feel the nails touch inside of me.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_01: It would hurt so bad that I would lean in like this.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_01: Ha! Ah! And my mom would whisper in my ear, who's lapping now.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_01: Love my mom.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_01: Retired.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_01: Finally, she retired.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_01: Doesn't work anymore.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_01: But this is what my mom's doing with a retirement.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_01: She's a DJ.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_01: A fucking DJ.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_01: Not a DJ at weddings, like a real DJ at an AM radio station with headphones and everything.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_01: Like, hey everybody, it's DJ Josephine.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_01: I'm playing Filipino music from the past, present, and future.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_01: And it's annoying.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_01: Because I gotta go to these, like every time I have a show in Vegas, I gotta go to this radio show.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_01: My mom tells me to go, Joseph, come to my radio show and thank all of my listeners for patronizing your career.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_01: And I have to go and talk to all 40 of her listeners.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_01: But here's the part that pisses me off the most.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_01: Every time I go in, she acts like she doesn't know who the fuck I am.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_01: I walk in, she's like, oh, we have a guest.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_01: And then she starts rummaging through her papers.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, it says here you're uh a comedian?
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_01: Wow.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_01: A comedian.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_01: Well, tell us how it is to be a comedian.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_01: Um Joquai?
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_01: Jack Why?
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_01: It's Joe Coy.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_01: Mom?
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_01: She did not want me to be a comedian at all.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_01: This is my 19th year in stand-up, and when I told my mom 19 years ago that I wasn't going to college, she cried.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_01: Cry.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_01: Why, Joseph?
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_01: Comedian, really?
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_01: That's what you want to do?
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_01: There's no there's no future in comedian, Joseph.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_01: There's no money to be made in comedian, Joseph.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_01: What are you?
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_01: A clown?
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_01: You're going to be a clown, Joseph.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_01: How about if you get sick, Joseph?
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_01: There's no health insurance.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_01: There's no health insurance.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_01: If you get sick, how are you gonna pay the doctor?
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_01: Jokes?
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, thank you, doctor.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_01: What do I owe you?
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, really?
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_01: Knock knock.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_01: The one person that did believe in me, my Lolactinai, my grandmother.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_01: My grandmother passed away of cancer uh 19 years ago, like she passed away of cancer.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_01: Uh the cool thing about my grandmother is she fought that shit to the end.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_01: She was diagnosed with it, and and she was supposed to go like that, and she ended up fighting that shit for five years.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_01: And we all, yeah, it was amazing.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_01: It was a sad time, but it was a good time, you know what I mean?
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_01: Because I got to, we all moved to Vegas.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_01: That's why I moved to Vegas, is to be with my grandmother.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_01: And uh, and it was a sad time, but it was a good time because uh those those times that I was with her, she would, you know, I got to meet my grandmother, I got to know my grandmother.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_01: She would tell me stories, and I would just sit there and listen all day.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_01: And she would tell me all kinds of stories, and I would just listen to her, like, are you serious?
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_01: Really, grandma?
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_01: So she used to lose her keys too, huh?
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_01: Tough as shit, man.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_01: My grandma was tough, and I know that's where I got my funny from.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_01: My grandma, you know what I mean?
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_01: She was funny, and she would do it indirectly, like catch me off guard all the time.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_01: Like I would take her to chemo and just drive in in the car, and she'd be like, just head, just head.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_01: Like, what grandma?
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_01: I just want you to know that when I die, I'm like, Grandma, don't say that.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_01: I don't like it when you talk like that.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_01: No, it's okay.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_01: Why can I not talk about that?
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_02: I'm gonna go to heaven.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_02: You don't want me to go to heaven?
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_01: One time we were sitting on the couch, right?
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_01: And I and and we're watching TV.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_01: I said, true story, this is so fucked up.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_01: She goes, Joseph, just happen.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_01: I go, what, grandma?
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_01: Why?
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_02: She's like, I just want you to know that when I when I pass away, like grandma, please don't talk like that.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_02: I don't like it when you talk.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_02: No, it's okay, Just he.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_02: I am okay with it.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_02: You should be okay with it also.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_02: But when I pass away, I just want you to know that every time you go to sleep, I'm going to be watching you.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_02: Sometimes I will tickle your toes.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_02: And you'll wake up, and then you'll look at your feet, and then I'll go, uh.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_01: One time I was taking her back, right, from chemo, and I laid her on her bed, right?
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_01: I put her on the bed, and I go, Lola, if you need anything, just call me, I'll be right here, I'll take care of you.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, just call me.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_01: She's like, Okay, Joseph, love you.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_01: I go, I love you.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_01: And I started to walk out, and she goes, Joseph, bless me.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_01: Bless me.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_01: If you're not Filipino, let me tell you what blessing is, okay?
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_01: This is what we do with our elders.
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_01: When you leave and you and you say goodbye to your elders, this is what we do.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_01: Can you stand on them?
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_01: Just hand on, let me touch your hand, get your hand.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_01: And you touch the forehead like that.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_01: It's a sign of respect.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_01: That's what we do.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_01: We don't look at our elders and go, fuck you, peace.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_01: We don't do that.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_01: Bye, bitch, and then walk.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_01: You show respect.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_01: That's what you do.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_01: And she was like, Joseph, bless me.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_01: You can't live without blessing your grandmother.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, Oh my god, grandma, I'm so sorry.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_01: I'll be right there.
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_01: And I go, and I grab her hand, right?
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_01: And I go to touch my forehead.
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_01: And before I touch my forehead, she grabbed my dick and went, I got your dick.