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Raising Independent Kids: Practical Steps from Toddlers to Teens · Talking FACS

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  Welcome to Talking FACS, what you need to know about family,
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  food, finance, and fitness.
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  This nationally recognized, award-winning podcast is hosted by the University
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  of Kentucky Family and Consumer Sciences Extension Program.
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  Our educators share research knowledge with individuals, families,
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  and communities to improve quality of life.
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  Do you feel like your children are independent? Does their independence frighten you, perhaps?
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  Today we're going to talk about building independence in children,
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  a topic that touches every stage of childhood, from toddlers learning to try
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  new things to teens figuring out who they are and where they fit in the world.
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  Welcome to Talking FACS where we share information you can use to strengthen
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  your family, your community, and our state.
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  I'm your host, Mindy McCulley, Extension Specialist for Instructional Support
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  with Family and Consumer Sciences at the University of Kentucky.
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  My guest today is Dr. David Wiesenhorn, Extension Specialist for Parenting and
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  Child Development. Welcome, David.
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  Thank you, Mindy. So, independence, it's what we're hoping to get our children
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  ready for, but there are sometimes little challenges along the way,
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  when you start to feel that independence, right? Yeah.
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  Mindy, what's funny about that, I think it's one of the most important roles
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  that parents have is to help their child become independent.
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  And funny, in this role, I get to talk to a lot of parents.
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  And one of the things I find is not all parents, if I have to be honest,
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  I'm going to say, moms, I'm going to lean on you a little bit.
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  Most moms don't really want their children to become all that independent. And it's.
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  I understand why. And, and I would tease, I would say my wife is probably the
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  biggest person that I know that does this because I see her all the time and
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  it becomes and can become a struggle in,
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  the heartfelt behind doing things for children.
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  You know, one of the things I say, I'm going to back up a minute.
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  One of the, one of the common statements that I make in my parenting classes
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  is don't do for a child what a child can do for themselves.
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  And anytime you step in and do that, you reduce their progress
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  in gaining independence and oftentimes can stifle an initiation the idea that
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  they would initiate doing something and so
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  when i think about this one of the things i want to do is give parents the opportunity
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  to start that building that independence as early as possible,
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  helping them walk up a step i don't letting them navigate walking over something
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  tying their own shoes, getting their shirt over their head, all the way to driving
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  a vehicle on their own and, you know.
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  Making decisions in the real world.
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  So, I mean, all the things that we want our children to become,
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  I think, begins as early as we allow it to begin.
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  And so, I think starting early and to give opportunities to gain independence is a key piece to that.
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  I do love that. And I remember, you know, when children transition from the
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  point of me having to dress them to them dressing themselves,
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  I had to give up a little bit. And,
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  recognize that maybe they weren't going to choose to wear what I would have chosen for them to wear.
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  And so we might have had a toddler running around, you know,
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  in a purple shirt with orange shorts.
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  Oh, fantastic. I mean, but if he did it himself, then that was a win, right?
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  Exactly, exactly. So we have to realize that sometimes allowing independence
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  means giving up something on our end as parents. Oh, I like that a lot.
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  And you're absolutely right.
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  So that becomes part of it. I think the first step is, like I said, start small.
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  Just start with the small things. Allow those opportunities, right?
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  And this is perfect. What you just said, if my children are toddlers,
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  putting out two different shirts and two different pairs of pants or whatever
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  and saying, you get to select today and they put those on and they can try and
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  put it on and maybe it comes out backwards and inside out. But they did it themselves.
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  But that's it, right? They gave it a shot. So starting small,
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  even like I said, even with toddlers, you know, starting small.
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  And then as they become more and more capable, then we up the ante.
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  Because it's hard. If you haven't done it when they're young,
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  it's really hard to give up when they get a little older. Well,
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  there becomes an expectation.
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  Exactly. So I think sometimes offering choices is critical.
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  And as we begin to offer choices, that is going to lead them to being able to
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  feel confident in their own decision-making skills.
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  And that's why we want to do that. That's why we want to put a couple things
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  out and then allow them to do that. Because as they become more independent,
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  they grow in confidence.
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  They learn responsibility. They develop problem-solving skills.
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  And that is what we're after.
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  We want them to be proud of their abilities. We want them to feel self-confident,
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  in their abilities to solve problems. And so beginning with this early in life,
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  we can do that. So offering choices. Start small. Offer choices.
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  And then teach and step back. And that's what I heard you say,
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  Mindy, is that, well, I started allowing them to take their own thing or select
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  their own clothes. And I didn't really like the outcome of that.
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  A lot of times we say, well, I
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  let my child, I would have let him tie his shoes, but we didn't have time.
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  Exactly. Right. Because one of the things that we know is that when we teach
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  and we step back, that it's going to take a lot longer.
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  Yes. And it's probably going to be a messy situation.
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  Right. They may not be as pretty as you expect.
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  There's going to be some tears. There's going to be some frustration.
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  And I'll share, for instance, so while I know I started with toddlers,
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  my children are no longer toddlers. I've got two teenagers.
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  Teenagers my daughter my first born is very quick to help me do most things,
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  and so she wants to learn actively my son less likely the second born let less likely,
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  to offer his help but willing when I ask him he's been a really good helper
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  but I have to kind of prod a little bit more one of the things I was doing with
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  them was we were building a fence
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  and I told him he's 13 and I told him I I said, Elijah, I need you to take this section down,
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  and then I'm going to work to reframe the gate, and we'll get it up together.
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  And so he started working, and he kept coming back, Dad, I don't know how to
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  do this. Dad, I don't know how to do this.
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  And I had to stop, and I said, Elijah, I need you.
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  To do the work that I've asked you to solve the problem, to figure it out.
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  Because if I'm doing all the work, you're not helping me.
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  I need, and I was saying it just like that, very clear, very calm.
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  I wanted him to understand, and he felt frustrated by that. And I said,
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  man, do me a favor. You won't mess it up. I'm asking you to tear it down.
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  So go give it a go. And he's figuring out, and I would look over every once
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  in a while, and I might say, hey, try this.
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  Instead of holding it that way try spinning it around and pulling on it instead
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  of pushing on and now all of a sudden things were starting to click for him and so.
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  The third part of that or the fourth part you teach him step back you watch
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  a little bit and then when you see that frustration,
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  you encourage some problem solving what do you think what do you think would
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  happen if you turned it around and pull instead of push you know and then you
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  watch him do that and all of a sudden the light pops on, right?
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  And so there's a little more independence.
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  And then as we finished, he began to understand.
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  And it was a really good process because he could come back to me and say,
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  Dad, look, I did this. This is what I did. And so in that process,
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  I was beginning to see his confidence build.
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  I could see his confidence and self-esteem was growing at that point.
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  Well, and if you would have stepped in at the beginning and said,
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  you know what, but I'll just do it.
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  He would never have had the opportunity to learn and grow. And the next time
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  it needed to be done, you would be doing it again.
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  There's an old proverb that says, if you want to go fast, go alone.
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  Exactly. Yeah, if you want to go far, go together.
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  I think that fits here when we think about parenting and this need to build
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  a child's independence.
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  Building independence is definitely going slower because you will move much
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  faster if you do it all yourself, but that child will not come along.
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  You will not be together in that. And our point as parents and caretakers is
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  to launch our children, to make them independent. And the only way in which
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  we do that is by providing more opportunities.
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  And some of that is creating those routines, which is my fifth point of creating
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  routines so that children get the regular opportunity to engage in independence.
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  And that can be a routine of a lot of things.
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  Yeah. And, you know, as they get older, you get to watch how that blooming happens
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  and how they have figured out so many things on their own that they no longer
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  come to you and say, hey, I can't do this.
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  And I want you to do it for me.
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  Mindy, I love that because I think I'm going to go back to where I started and
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  not hurting this idea, but moms, a lot of times, I think that's the fear, right?
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  That can kind of come in is that the more independent my child is,
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  the less I'll see my child or the less they'll need of me, which then equates
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  to the less they'll be around or come around and that I won't be able to do this forever.
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  So I'm going to do it now while they're still here. Exactly.
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  And I hear the heart of that, of that. I love my child. I want my child.
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  I want to help my child as much as possible.
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  What I want to encourage parents to hear is that helping your child be independent is helping your child.
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  The more independent they become, while they can and will be able to operate
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  independent of you, doesn't mean they're going to leave you.
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  The reality is, is I feel like it's more endearing and connects more to you
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  because you've taught them those skills.
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  Like most of us, we want to come back and share, like, look what I've done.
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  How many times did our child as a young age growing up, did you hear,
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  hey, mom, look at this, or hey, dad, look at this. Dad, watch this.
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  Dad, watch me do this. Mom, watch me do this. The reality is,
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  is they want us to see them be independent.
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  And so by teaching them that skill, I don't think it's that they're going to
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  leave, but rather they'll come back and showcase maybe more for you and show us how to do that.
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  Well, and I have heard young parents say, so I'm a helicopter mom, sue me.
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  And I'm like, oh, we're not going to sue you, but your child is not going to
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  benefit if you're a helicopter mom. At all.
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  And it's terrible. It really creates a lot of anxiety for children too when
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  you don't build those skills and then put them in spaces where they have to
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  make decisions, where they have to problem solve, and they don't have those skills.
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  It can be very overwhelming and anxiety-driven.
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  Driven, I think, moments. If you think of avoiding the meltdown when they're
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  small is the goal, you should wait until you get the meltdown when they're big and they can't.
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  Yeah. There's nothing cute about an adult breakdown, right? There's something
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  kind of cute about a two-year-old.
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  There's like, oh, it's kind of cute. There's nothing cute about a 40-year-old
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  or a 30-year-old melting down.
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  Or a 20-year-old for that matter. So making sure that our children have that
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  capacity and ability to do those things, which builds that confidence and self-esteem.
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  And the last thing I would say is just don't, don't forget to praise your child.
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  Don't praise the outcome, praise the effort.
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  You know, one of the things I'm going to go back to that building fence.
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  We built that fence together and we had to build it and rip it down three,
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  three times because you start at one end and you start building and you're like,
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  oh, that doesn't look good.
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  And my son said, Dad, you know, if we got it right the first time,
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  it would have taken us half the time it took us today.
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  And I said, yeah, but that's rarely the case. We rarely get it right the first
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  time. And knowing that my expectation wasn't to have it right the first time,
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  but to learn how to do it, that can really help us.
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  Telling him later that day, I said, Elijah, I love working with you,
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  man. I really enjoyed working with you today.
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  It had nothing to do with the outcome of what we did, but it was the time spent
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  together. I loved watching light bulbs come on. I liked watching him work with his hands.
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  I liked seeing him learn a new skill.
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  And we talked the whole time and laughed a couple of times. And,
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  you know, it was a really good time spent together.
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  And I think that's what those opportunities are. When we can find opportunities
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  for our children to gain independence, it can be rich. Not only just seeing
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  them blossom, like you said, and being independent, but it's time well spent together.
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  Like we're problem solving together. He's seeing that when he has a problem,
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  here's some real physical memories that he can then go back to and say,
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  hey, dad helped me with all those problems or mom helped me figure these things out.
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  And so that becomes the touch point that I think they're going to come back
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  to us, even when they're independent, to circle back and say,
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  hey, what do you think about this idea? Or what do you think about this opportunity that I have?
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  Because they care about how we took care of them early on.
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  Well, and I can tell you as a mother of adult children, there's nothing more
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  rewarding than having one of your children come and say, I did this because I learned it from you.
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  Godspeed. So, you know, you're passing on those skills of parenting to your
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  children before they ever know that they need it. Yeah.
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  And I think a lot of times we worry about the safety of our child.
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  So thinking about when they're young and why we might do things and not allow them to do them.
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  We worry about their safety and we want things done right. I know I was that parent.
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  That really wanted things done well and done right. And that oftentimes kept
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  me from asking for the involvement of my children in those activities.
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  And that's normal. And it's normal to want to step in.
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  But I want to encourage all of you that are listening that doing too much for
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  our children can definitely limit their growth.
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  And having independence takes time. It takes practice. And it takes patience.
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  Definitely. So hopefully you'll begin to offer more opportunities and you'll
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  find that opportunity to be patient and watch your children as they really do
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  become amazing individuals.
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  I have nothing to say, but yes.
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  David, I appreciate your time with me today. I know that this conversation is
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  going to benefit lots and lots of parents as they listen to your wise guidance.
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