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Want to communicate better? Try these 2 steps out · Head Shrink Inc.

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: Hello, my favorite people.
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_01: Let's talk about two ways to communicate better.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_01: Hey all, Doc David here.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_01: How are you doing this week before Thanksgiving?
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_01: Thanksgiving is in a week.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_01: I've been seeing memes that show people don't really care about Thanksgiving.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_01: What they really care about is Christmas.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_01: I like Thanksgiving.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_01: I kind of look at it as a lead up to Christmas.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_01: It's Christmas light, apparently.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_01: Anyways, I get to have all my kids home, which is always fun and enjoyable because I love my kids and I love having uh my family all together.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_01: So let's talk about um I want to talk about two ways uh in kind of a formula to communicate better.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_01: So if you have been hiding in a in a cave, um you don't know that I just released a book in August.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_01: And I've been doing so much shameless self-promotion that of course, if you listen to this podcast, you know that I released a book.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_01: Um so yes, the book is released, and it's all about um uh good communication with people that you care about, and there are four ways or kind of four steps that build on one another in this book, and I want to talk about two of those steps today.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_01: Um, the two steps that I want to talk about today are one facts, two, feelings.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_01: Now, a lot of times you may be in an argument with somebody or you've seen an argument taking place with somebody, and you've maybe heard that phrase, uh, facts don't care about your feelings.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_01: Um I've heard that phrase, and I'm while I think there's some truth to it, I think it's an offensive way um to not address things in arguments.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_01: I think that you have a topic that's happening, and yeah, they're sure there's facts around it, but within that topic, people get emotional about things, and to simply dismiss someone's feelings um is demeaning, and uh in my opinion, it's demeaning, and it's just generally unkind to do that to somebody.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_01: Um so I think my book and kind of how I believe communication should happen, there should be a level of kindness, and I think when there's not kindness in um a relationship, it's more or less doomed to fail.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_01: Um, there's a guy up in University of Washington in Seattle, um, John Gottman.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_01: A lot of people have heard about him, and he he has written a book um about the four divorce uh the four horsemen of the divorce apocalypse or the four horsemen of divorce.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know the exact name, but I know he's rewritten a book.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_01: And so there's four things um that he lines out in that book.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_01: I encourage you to go get it.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_01: Um it's a it's a good book to read.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_01: Um so my book specifically talks about relationships and these these four steps that build on one another.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_01: So one uh let's go with the first step.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_01: One of the things that couples often do not do, and when I'm talking, I'm not just talking to couples.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_01: I'm talking, this could be with a family member, this could be with a friend, this could be with a coworker.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_01: Um I I say couples just because that's kind of my thinking right now when I'm talking it through.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_01: But this this relationship um style or this communication style could relate to any um significant cared-for relationship that you have.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_01: Um so a lot of times when people have big arguments and the arguments end, they either have come to a resolution or some kind of uh compromise, or they sweep the thing under the rug.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_01: Sweeping the thing under the rug, so you know, quotes, air quotes there, um, means that that argument's gonna come up later at some point.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_01: And it could be a recurring argument that's been happening for the last several years in your relationship.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_01: Um and and so what I think is important to do, and what couples often don't do, and I haven't done it recently, but I I try to do it with my wife, um, is to debrief about the argument.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_01: And so this is the first step of better towards better communication.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_01: One of the things you do instead of rehashing um the feelings and the insults and the hurts, if you could stay factual about it.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_01: And so, what I mean by factually describing debriefing about the argument would be hey, so and so.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_01: Remember yesterday when we got into this fight about um ketchup on the table or food that was left out?
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I want to try to describe that with you factually.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_01: So, the key, one of the keys to this is that your partner is in this with you, right?
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_01: You're not just coming up randomly to your partner and saying, Hey, listen to me.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_01: This is something that you both are participating in, that you both are recognizing, okay, we want to try to do something different in our communication.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_01: And at first it's gonna feel wonky.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_01: What I tell my clients is that when we talk through it in session, it feels weird because people just generally don't do it.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_01: And because I do it for a living, I can just easily walk people through it.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_01: Um, but the more you're able to do it yourself, the more easily you'll be able to do it as you tr as you go along in your relationship.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_01: So so you stick to the facts, that's number one.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_01: And so what that looks like is hey, John, yesterday when I came into the room, you were sitting on the couch, I walked into the room, it was about two in the afternoon, and I saw something on the table.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_01: We're sticking with facts.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I asked you about this thing on the table, you didn't answer me.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I asked again, you said you were busy, and then I walked out of the room.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, so that's all factual.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_01: Now, what often happens with couples or with people when they try to talk through an argument again, they they start inserting assumptions and um diagnoses of the other person.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_01: So, for example, take that what that factual um that that factual timeline that I just presented.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_01: And you so so you go, hey John, I want to talk about this thing.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_01: So I walked into the room yesterday and you were sitting lazily on the couch.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, that's a that is a diagnosis, and it's not factual, because who knows if he was sitting lazily on the couch.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I saw a uh ketchup bottle that was left on the table, and I asked you about it.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_01: You ignored me the first time, so ignoring also is another assumption.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_01: I asked you again, and then you yelled at me and were rude to me.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, so maybe they yelled, maybe they rude, maybe they were rude.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_01: Those are all opinions.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_01: And so the more you can talk about an argument factually and that you both agree on, yes, I came in the room, yes, I asked you a question, I didn't respond the first time, yes, I you asked me again, and I responded the second time, and then you left the room, that's a that's a great starting point for a couple to um begin from when they want to try to work through an argument because you both are on the same page about this factual thing.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_01: And if you get off track, you can always come back to that as kind of an anchor point for you in your relationship.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_01: Second step.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_01: After you've been able to uh work through this together and and talk about what factually happened, the second part of this is to take turns with one another to talk about what were the feelings that were taking place um when this factual thing happened.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_01: Because we're debriefing, remember.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_01: And so, for example, you you talk about this factual thing, you say, and so John, when this happened, when this interaction between us happened, I felt what did you feel?
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_01: I felt hurt, uh, I felt betrayed, I felt misunderstood, I felt unheard, I felt unsafe.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_01: There's tons of feelings that go on in fights that I think people don't um because of the heat of the moment, people don't like sit and think, okay, what am I feeling now?
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_01: Because the emotions are too present, right?
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_01: So there's anger, there's this person's such a jerk, right?
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_01: And so we're not paying attention to the other underlying feelings, and that's why it's much more effective to debrief the next day and talk about these feelings.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_01: Because again, what I tell couples um is that every fight you get into, there's probably about um there's a need that's related to that, right?
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_01: So there's so I think most people have about three to four needs that relate to about 95% of their fights.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_01: And if you could define what those three and four needs are, um, you're gonna be able to address your fights very differently.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_01: Um, but you have to be purposeful in it.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_01: You can't just hope it happens.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_01: You have to, you both have to think, okay, we're gonna do this, we're in this together, we're gonna work on this together.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_01: So you get to the feelings, right?
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_01: So I felt hurt, sad, um disappointed, upset, uh, misunderstood, um, violated, whatever you felt, right?
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_01: You can go to Google and do a feelings chart, and there's a feelings wheel that is great, right?
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_01: It gives you all these different emotional uh emotion or feeling words.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_01: And what I've run into, there's a lot of times people um you ask what they feel about something, and they have a really hard time defining what they're feeling in the moment.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and so that's why a chart like this would be beneficial because a lot of times people didn't grow up in a home where they talked about feelings, or there's some trauma in their life that they just avoid talking about feelings because it's gonna bring up pain from their past.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_01: And so having a chart on hand is not only good for adults, but it's good for kids in the family too, because you as adults are should be teaching your kid uh how to express themselves well verbally.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and that's something that's really hard for kids to do, and so parents should be helping them with that.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_01: So I'm sidetracked there, but um so this the second part of this again is talking about your feelings.
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_01: Now, um I I'm thinking about putting uh talking about the next two steps maybe in another podcast, but let's be honest, I want you to buy my book.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_01: Um I'm just being transparent.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_01: So if I just gave you all the steps, you wouldn't go get my book.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_01: So you can get my book on um Audible and Amazon.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_01: It's called Relationship Reconnected.
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_01: And um yeah, I I'm I'm probably gonna do another podcast on the next two steps.
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_01: Um, but it would be awesome if you went out and got my book and supported me.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_01: That way it's still out there.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_01: Um I I checked a couple weeks ago, and I was like uh out of all the authors on Amazon, I was number 21,000.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_01: And I thought, oh, there's about a million authors on there.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_01: So I thought 21,000, that's not too bad.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_01: So if if you go out and get my book today, like as you're listening to this podcast and you click on your Amazon app and you buy the book, um, maybe you'll bump me up to like 19,000 author ranking, right?
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_01: Wouldn't that be awesome?
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_01: If that happens, I will tell you on the next podcast.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_01: Um, just as a note, if you have Kindle Unlimited, you can get it on Kindle Unlimited.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_01: So I I think that's free.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_01: I don't have Kindle Unlimited, but I I hear it's free.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_01: Um, so hey, I am going to do another podcast in a week or so, uh, hopefully a week, but Thanksgiving is coming up, but I get sidetracked.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I'm gonna be doing another uh podcast, a question and answer podcast.
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_01: Um, one of the things I love doing is getting uh emails from clients, or not clients, but just getting emails from people that either listen to this show or have stumbled across me on the web, and write they write me an email and ask me a question.
• 12:37
  SPEAKER_01: And I I tell people there is no question that I can't have that I don't have an answer to.
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_01: Um that's that's based in the therapy world.
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_01: Now, if you're asking me a question about physics, I'm not gonna have an answer for you.
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_01: But if you ask me about a question of who you should date and how you should treat your mother-in-law, and what do you do with a mama's boy, I can definitely answer those kinds of questions.
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_01: So if you have a question that you want answered, uh you can email me at headshrinkinc.
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_01: That's headshrink with a kinc at gmail.com or go to all the social, I'm on all the social medias, uh docdavid.net, I'm on Instagram, Facebook.
• 13:21
  SPEAKER_01: I guess I'm not on all the social medias because I don't do Snapchat.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_01: I have a principal stance against Snapchat.
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_01: I'm an adult man, I will not do Snapchat.
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_01: If you ever find me on Snapchat, you can uh mock me mercilessly, and I will not be offended.
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_01: But hey, we got another podcast here.
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_01: Hope it's been helpful to you.
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_01: If you have a question, feel free to email me and we will do a QA the next uh time we talk.
• 13:51
  SPEAKER_01: Have a great weekend.