Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / Alpha Male Content is Insane | Alec Flynn | Stand Up Comedy 😁🤣🤣🤣

Transcript

Alpha Male Content is Insane | Alec Flynn | Stand Up Comedy 😁🤣🤣🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: I just got fired, but I've been telling people I got laid off.
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_01: That's the move.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_01: You can't say fired, you gotta say laid off.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_01: Because when you say laid off, your friends actually have sympathy for you.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_01: They're like, oh, don't worry about it.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_01: You land on your feet.
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_01: When you say you got fired, all they have for you is questions.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_01: Like, what happened?
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_01: What'd you do?
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_01: And I'd answer those questions if I had a cool answer.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_01: If I could say something like, oh dude, they caught me vaping in the handicap stall.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_01: They caught me jerking off in the handicap stall.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_01: But I gotta look them dead in the face and just be like, oh dude, they told me I was a bad culture fit.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_01: It's true though, I am.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like a facilitator of workplace hatred.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_01: That's like my thing.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like the last guy you want to see in a break room, truly.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_01: If you're having a bad day, I'm just gonna pile on, really.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_01: Open the cabinet.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, we're out of peanut butter pretzels again.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_01: I'm in the corner.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_01: This company doesn't fucking care about us.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_01: Look, I can't be the only person that actively roots against their company to fail, right?
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_01: Look, paycheck is nice and all, but wouldn't you just like to see it all burn?
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_01: It's a startup.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_01: Who would miss it, right?
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_01: I had to check on my resume for the first time in a while.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_01: You ever look at an old resume and just marvel at the lies?
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_01: Bold, italics, lies.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_01: It's all.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_01: I had a line in there that said, entrepreneur.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_01: Like, yeah, I used to sell Adderall.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_01: Like, what do we?
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_01: And I don't feel bad talking about that either, because I don't think you can overdose on Adderall.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know if that's true or not, but I'm not like a doctor or a reliable guy.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_01: I've just never seen an episode of CSI where they walk into a dead guy's place like, must have been an extended release.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, this guy's chores are done.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_01: I had to go to a bunch of job interviews, and I thought I'd be cruising through job interviews.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_01: You know, I'm a smart guy.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_01: I got a lot of charisma.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_01: I thought it'd be easy.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_01: Most of the job interviews are online, though, so what happens is uh you know you forget about them.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_01: You're you're farting around the computer, you're watching a hockey fight compilation, and uh Zoom window pops up, you're like, oh, here we go.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_01: All right.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_01: And you know, you could skate on charisma for like most of the small talk, but then they start to really hammer you with the tough questions.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_01: They'll go, Alec, can you name a time in your life when you face adversity?
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_01: You ever been so unprepared it comes off as white privilege?
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, adversity! And then you slam the screen shut and blame the Wi-Fi.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_01: That's the move.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_01: Would you want me to wait and be like, oh, you know, this one time at sailing camp, there wasn't any wind, like I'm gonna blame the Wi-Fi.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_01: I got a temporary job right now.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_01: I'm a substitute teacher.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_01: Um, if you ever wanted to find out how your friends really feel about you, just tell them that you're teaching.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_01: So I'll just say things to your face, like, wow, they must really need people, huh?
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, there's a shortage of heroes right now, actually.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_01: It's always your buddies that work in like tech sales or something.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_01: I would never say that to them about their jobs.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_01: I'd never be like, wow, they must really need a washed up D3 athlete with a code problem, huh?
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_01: I'm doing my best for these kids, okay?
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_01: I'm trying.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_01: I'm an educator.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_01: It is tough.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_01: I did a whole lesson on apostrophes the other day.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_01: I think it was all wrong.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_01: I think the whole thing was wrong.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_01: They're asking me, like, how do I know if it's possessive?
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_01: I don't sound it out.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_01: Good part about being a sub, though, for the most part, your job is just throwing on a movie and then watching the first half of that movie six times in a row during the day.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_01: By the time you get to seventh period, you're like, look, kids, we're starting Mulan from the middle, okay?
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_01: I gotta find out this bitch defeats the Huns.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_01: I'm losing my mind.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_01: And I don't like that word sub either.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_01: I think that's very demeaning to me, okay?
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_01: In my classroom, I am not a sub, I am the Dom, alright?
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_01: They'll find out everything about your life on the internet almost instantly.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_01: Remember when we were growing up and we thought all of our teachers just lived at the school?
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_01: Now I'll be in the middle of a lesson.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_01: Some kid will pull up his phone and just be like, damn, mister, you live in a bad part of town.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_01: I had some kid comment on a comedy promo of me and just said, you're ass.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_01: It's like, Eric, this needs an apostrophe, dude.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_01: Come on.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_01: I wanna I'm trying to get a girlfriend right now.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_01: I put having a girlfriend on my vision board, it's a big goal for me.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_01: Don't laugh at that.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_01: Look, I just everyone's got a girlfriend now.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_01: Even like the weird friend in my group, he's got a girlfriend, and she's way out of his league.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_01: Like, suspiciously out of his league.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_01: But she says it's because he has big golden retriever energy.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_01: You heard that?
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_01: Big golden retriever energy?
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_01: That's I don't know.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_01: I think it's kind of cute.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_01: It's cute, it's fun.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_01: Like I'm gonna start saying that big golden retriever energy.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_01: We were all calling it mild autism, so if you met Dave, he's a biter.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_01: Just dating as a whole, I'm feeling very heteropessimistic about it.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_01: Um I'm a straight guy.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_01: Anyone?
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_01: Straighties?
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_01: Straighties?
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_01: Woo! Trying to make that into a wh-da-wah! Like, we see each other.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_01: It's not really catching on.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_01: I'm working on it.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not a trendsetter.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_01: I just do my best.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_01: I just as a whole, like as for a straight-y, you know, it's um as a guy, it feels like I'm always just giving dating advice I didn't ask for, especially on social media.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_01: On my feed, it'll just be beautiful women with their phones in front of their face saying things like, hey guys, here's the 13 things you do that give girls the ick.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_01: Number one, existing.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_01: Number two, ankle socks.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_01: Like, alright, should I go to Coles or kill myself?
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_01: What's the move?
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_01: I'll do both.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_01: I'll try.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_01: Sad part is though, the flip side of that coin is the alpha male content.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_01: The guys with the aviators smoking the cigars, being like, how value men are bred to be hunters?
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_01: Are you ready to hunt for your brain?
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_01: It's like, no, dude, I'm gonna make like pizza rolls or something.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_01: I hate all that alpha male content, dude.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_01: It's it's very toxic.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_01: And especially it sucks when your friends do it.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_01: Like they'll I had a buddy he posted on Instagram that said, When she broke up with you, she made a bet on your future.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_01: Make sure she loses that bet.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, are you about to shoot up a casino?
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_01: What are you talking about?
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_01: It's sad because I wish my boys could just feel comfortable enough to talk to me.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I've been going to therapy for like a month, okay?
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_01: I'm an emotional intelligence brown belt at this point.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_01: Alright, I got moves, dude.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_01: You want to kill yourself?
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_01: If you try going for a walk, my man?
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_01: What about breathing, huh?
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_01: I could use those tips though.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not uh great.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_01: I had a girl over my place the other night for a movie night, uh, and I picked out the movie.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_01: About halfway through, she starts kissing my neck a little bit.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_01: You know, hand starts going around my belt, so I press pause and I'm like, uh, hey, what's up?
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_01: You don't like the movie?
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_01: What's going on?
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_01: I know you want to Netflix and chill.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_01: This is HBO Maxim.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_01: Pay attention right now.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_01: And like I get it, she wants to get into it on the first date.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_01: It's very fun and all, but I'm I'm going slow in this hookup culture now because I I've noticed that although we're more likely to hook up on the first date, these hookups are turning into things that are a little bit more physical than for my liking.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I'm a kinky guy.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_01: I get it, okay?
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_01: But it's a little bit different when we have a couple margaritas, you come back to my place, and there's a lot of slapping, spitting, choking, pulling, grabbing, things like that.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_01: I'm going on these hinge dates, I'm ending up in cage fights.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_01: Is this happening to people?
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_01: I'm wearing a condom and a mouth guard.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not having fun anymore.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_01: I'm kidding, I'm just wearing a mouth guard.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_01: Come on, Ryan.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_01: Ah, come on, give me that.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_01: He doesn't want any part of it, but play along.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_01: And look, we're all kinky people, right?
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_01: I like being kinky, that's very fun, but there's a difference between being kinky and being open hand slapped in the face when you don't see it coming, okay?
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_01: She's riding you cowgirl, and just whah! You like that?
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, yeah, that was hot.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_01: Give me a second, my eyes are coming.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_01: And it's like, what do I say to my boys when I've had an encounter like this?
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_01: Because normally, sex is a very high-five situation.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_01: We go back, we're pumped about it, we're stoked.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_01: But what do I talk about when I've had an encounter and I feel like I've been embarrassed and I feel used and I feel dirty?
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_01: Like, yeah, dude, went back with the girl from the bar last night.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_01: Uh-huh.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_01: Well, let me tell you, my man.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_01: I could use a hug.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_01: Um, all right, guys, that's been my time.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_01: Thinking about it.