Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #152 Amazing Afternoons

Transcript

#152 Amazing Afternoons · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

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Speaker 1: Every child's going to be different, and it really depends
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Speaker 1: on the emotional climate in the home.
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Speaker 2: It's a Happy Family's podcast, the podcast for the time
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Speaker 2: poor parent.
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Speaker 3: He just wants answers Now. Hello. My name is doctor
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Speaker 3: Justin Coulson. I'm the author of six books.
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Speaker 1: About raising happy families, and I'm here with my wife
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Speaker 1: and life partner and my podcast partner, missus Happy Families.
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Speaker 3: Kylie.
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Speaker 2: I had a really proud mumma moment this morning.
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Speaker 3: Yeah. Really.
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Speaker 2: We rode the kids to school, and because we were
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Speaker 2: running a little bit behind, I actually let the kids
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Speaker 2: push their bikes up this steep embankment to put their
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Speaker 2: bikes away in the bike rack all by themselves.
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Speaker 3: Usually I would help them.
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Speaker 2: So Lily, miss ten year old, she pushed her bike
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Speaker 2: up quickly and got it all settled, but she could
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Speaker 2: tell that Emily was still struggling to get back up
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Speaker 2: the hill all by herself, and so Lily actually came
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Speaker 2: down the hill helped Emily pull the bike up, and
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Speaker 2: then I watched her her to put it into the
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Speaker 2: track and Emily took a helmet off, and then Lily
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Speaker 2: started to walk off, and Emily called out to her
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Speaker 2: and the next thing. I couldn't hear what they were saying,
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Speaker 2: but the next thing, there was this massive embrace. They
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Speaker 2: gave each other a big hug, and Emily trotted off
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Speaker 2: to class and said, I'll see.
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Speaker 1: You this afternoon.
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Speaker 2: And it was just just one of those little goldfleck
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Speaker 2: moments where I was just so.
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Speaker 4: Elated, cause yesterday afternoon they weren't doing that in the
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Speaker 4: living room. Let me tell you, so elated that in
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Speaker 4: that moment and in that space, there was just this acknowledgement,
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Speaker 4: I love you, You're my sister, and I'm so grateful that
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Speaker 4: we're together.
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Speaker 1: We have those moments from time to time, and we've
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Speaker 1: got to save them because they're not common enough. But
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Speaker 1: I'm so glad that you shared that. We received some
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Speaker 1: correspondence via the podcasts at Happy families dot com dot
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Speaker 1: you email address if you'd like to give us any
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Speaker 1: feedback on the podcast to ask us questions that we
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Speaker 1: should discuss on the podcast. That's How You Do It
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Speaker 1: podcasts at Happy Families dot com dot you, and Roslin
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Speaker 1: sent us an email. Here's what she said, Hi, Justin,
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Speaker 1: I loved your podcast on making mornings magic and wanted
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Speaker 1: to ask for similar advice. On how to manage afternoons
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Speaker 1: with kids. When's the best time to start homework, how
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Speaker 1: much time should be given for after school wind down,
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Speaker 1: rest and play. If families do allow afternoon and evenings
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Speaker 1: screen time, when's the best time and for how long,
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Speaker 1: assuming it's for fun and not for learning. As kids
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Speaker 1: are usually tired and unresponsive immediately after school, when's the
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Speaker 1: best time to ask them about their day?
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Speaker 3: Basically? Do you have any suggestions on.
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Speaker 1: A schedule to manage the hours after school to bedtime
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Speaker 1: for school age kids?
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Speaker 2: Well, I'm so glad that magic mornings, you know, work
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Speaker 2: to treat for everybody.
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Speaker 3: I hope sounds like.
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Speaker 2: We've got a bit of work ahead of us to
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Speaker 2: help make afternoons just as magic.
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Speaker 1: Yeah, afternoons are tricky though, because you try to juggle
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Speaker 1: the children. There's usually multiple children. Sometimes there's after school
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Speaker 1: activities for one but not the other. Sometimes you've got
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Speaker 1: to go in different directions.
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Speaker 3: You're tired, and you're trying to organize the house.
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Speaker 1: You're trying to organize washing school bags, you're doing dinner,
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Speaker 1: all that sort of stuff.
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Speaker 2: I think with the morning routine, we're all kind of
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Speaker 2: headed in one direction, aren't we. We're all heading out
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Speaker 2: the door, whereas in the afternoons, like you said, there's
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Speaker 2: just so much going on. And so what are some
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Speaker 2: practical tips that we can use to help us, you know,
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Speaker 2: kind of create some kind of system in our afternoon
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Speaker 2: so that they can flow a little bit better for
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Speaker 2: our families.
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Speaker 1: Well, I want to answer everyone of Roslin's questions, but
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Speaker 1: there's a lot to get through. So let's step back
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Speaker 1: for just a moment and consider one central thing, and
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Speaker 1: that is, what do we want our afternoons to feel?
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Speaker 2: Like?
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Speaker 1: What kind of experience do we want our children to
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Speaker 1: have as they reflect on what their upbringing was. And
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Speaker 1: I think that depending on the age of your child,
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Speaker 1: the less that you can put into their afternoons the better.
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Speaker 1: If you've got the fortunate experience to have the capacity
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Speaker 1: to let them go ride their bikes, or go down
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Speaker 1: to the park, or spend time playing, I think that
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Speaker 1: that's much more valuable than trying to cram their afternoons
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Speaker 1: full of loads and loads of stuff, or alternatively, letting
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Speaker 1: them just hang out on screens all afternoon. We've used
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Speaker 1: the technology tickets that are available on my website to
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Speaker 1: great ends in that regard.
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Speaker 2: Yeah, well, definitely with our youngest Emily, she was really
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Speaker 2: struggling to kind of, you know, self direct when it
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Speaker 2: came to the use of screen time as a six
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Speaker 2: year old. This is very developmentally challenging, and so I
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Speaker 2: just gave her two little rolls before. You're allowed to
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Speaker 2: watch a screen in the afternoon, and you get one
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Speaker 2: ticket a day, which is a half an hour half
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Speaker 2: an hour pass. You have to have some time being creative,
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Speaker 2: and you have to have some time outdoors. I don't
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Speaker 2: give her a time limit on it. She just knows
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Speaker 2: that in order to be able to watch the screen,
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Speaker 2: she needs to be creative and she needs to be outdoors.
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Speaker 2: And I know I don't need to give her a
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Speaker 2: time limit because there are two things that she absolutely loves.
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Speaker 1: And if you give her a time limit, she'll say,
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Speaker 1: I spent my thirty minutes outside.
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Speaker 2: Yet that's exactly right. And so what I find usually
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Speaker 2: is that by about five point thirty she's walking in
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Speaker 2: the door and saying, Hey, my mom, can I watch
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Speaker 2: my TV now? Which is perfect because it just gives
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Speaker 2: me enough time to wrap dinner up and get it
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Speaker 2: ready on the table, and she's had some creative time
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Speaker 2: some outdoor time and a little bit of screen time.
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Speaker 3: And everyone's happy.
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Speaker 1: So next, let's see if we can answer those questions
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Speaker 1: for Roz and work out the best way to structure
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Speaker 1: afternoons so that they're not too structured, but we're getting
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Speaker 1: the stuff done that needs to be done.
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Speaker 3: It's the Happy Families Podcast.
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Speaker 2: For a happier family, try a Happy Families membership, because a.
5:27
Speaker 3: Happy family doesn't just happen.
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Speaker 1: Details at happy families dot com dot AU. It's the
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Speaker 1: Happy Families podcast with doctor Justin Coulson and missus Happy Families,
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Speaker 1: Kylie Coulson. We're responding to an email that came through
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Speaker 1: to podcasts at Happy Families dot com DOTU from Roz
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Speaker 1: who said, how.
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Speaker 3: Am I supposed to get my afternoons right?
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Speaker 1: You've told me what I can do for my mornings,
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Speaker 1: but by golly, afternoons are challenging.
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Speaker 2: So I guess the first place to start is how
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Speaker 2: much time do we give our children to wind down
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Speaker 2: after school?
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Speaker 1: So that kind of goes back to the conversation that
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Speaker 1: I had prior to break and that is that to
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Speaker 1: the extent that it's possible, we give them as much
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Speaker 1: time as we can, we don't want to have too
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Speaker 1: many structured activities in the afternoon. I mean, if they've
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Speaker 1: got swimming, or they've got tennis, or they've got whatever
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Speaker 1: extracurricular stuff that's on, that's going to change things. They
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Speaker 1: don't have time for the downtime because they get home
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Speaker 1: from school and then they go to that thing. But
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Speaker 1: if you do have relatively free afternoons, I'm going to say,
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Speaker 1: stretch it out. Let them have as much of that
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Speaker 1: time as possible.
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Speaker 2: You know, I think, you know, extracurricula can actually be
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Speaker 2: a part of downtime. If it's something that your children
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Speaker 2: are really engaged, and if they're doing it because mum says,
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Speaker 2: you know, you've got to swim, then clearly it's not
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Speaker 2: really you know, going to float their boat, so to speak.
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Speaker 2: But if it's something that they love, you know, dancing
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Speaker 2: or playing basketball or whatever, that's actually, you know, really
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Speaker 2: awesome downtime for them, even though it may be structured.
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Speaker 1: Yeah, choice is really critical there, but I would still
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Speaker 1: say that they need to have unstructured time as well,
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Speaker 1: and that gets really tricky.
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Speaker 3: The more activities that they're doing.
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Speaker 2: Well, the next thing, you know, when's the best time
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Speaker 2: to start homework.
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Speaker 1: Yeah, this is a big one. So I'm going to
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Speaker 1: direct everybody. We'll put it into the show notes to
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Speaker 1: my homework letter. We'll just a whole podcast all on.
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Speaker 1: We'll do a big podcast on that in the new year,
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Speaker 1: once school kicks off again after the summer break. But
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Speaker 1: generally speaking, if your kids are in primary school, I'm
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Speaker 1: going to say, don't emphasize homework at all other than
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Speaker 1: reading and the occasional project. There's no research evidence to
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Speaker 1: support the use of homework.
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Speaker 4: Now.
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Speaker 1: I know that schools and teachers it can be a
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Speaker 1: bit of a dicey issue. Like I said, we'll address
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Speaker 1: that down the track, but I would be saying, don't
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Speaker 1: even worry about homework if your kids are in primary school.
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Speaker 1: If they're in high school, they need to get in
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Speaker 1: and do their homework at the appropriate time, for the
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Speaker 1: appropriate amount of time.
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Speaker 2: Roslyn wants to know screen time. You know when's the
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Speaker 2: best time and how long should I be letting my
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Speaker 2: child or children be on screens.
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Speaker 1: I like your answer about the technology tickets. I think
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Speaker 1: that it's a really great way to approach it. Make
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Speaker 1: sure that the kids have done all the stuff that
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Speaker 1: matters outside of screens. And they've done all of that,
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Speaker 1: then give them a technology ticket and say you've got
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Speaker 1: forty five minutes or thirty minutes or an hour or
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Speaker 1: whatever amount of time you have agreed as a family.
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Speaker 1: Suits what your family's all about.
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Speaker 2: So with the screen time and technology tickets, do they
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Speaker 2: have to earn those tickets?
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Speaker 3: Huh, that's an interesting question. I wasn't expecting that.
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Speaker 1: I don't think that kids should have to earn technology
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Speaker 1: time because what it does is it devalues the thing
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Speaker 1: that they've got to do so that they can have
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Speaker 1: the technology. You know, if you say, well you've got
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Speaker 1: to go out and do X, Y and Z so
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Speaker 1: that you can earn the right to use the tech,
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Speaker 1: the tech becomes increasingly valued and the activity prior to
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Speaker 1: that becomes devalued. And so what I like about our
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Speaker 1: approach is we say, of course you can have screen time,
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Speaker 1: but there are other things that we think are more important.
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Speaker 1: So when you've done those things, then you can have
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Speaker 1: some time on screens. It's a pretty subtle distinction, but
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Speaker 1: it does make a difference.
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Speaker 2: Yeah, it goes back to that conversation we had with
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Speaker 2: alphae Cone a few weeks ago. You know that whole
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Speaker 2: idea of being punished by rewards, and one of our
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Speaker 2: families actually suggested that or she doesn't make her children
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Speaker 2: earn things, you know, earn these technology tickets if they've
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Speaker 2: done something really good, she might actually kind of pass
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Speaker 2: over an extra one to give them a little bit
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Speaker 2: of extra time on their screens as a.
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Speaker 3: Bit of a treat as a bonus.
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Speaker 2: Yeah, I liked that idea. I thought that was really cool.
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Speaker 2: And then I guess the last thing that Roslyn really
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Speaker 2: wanted to know was when's the best time to actually,
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Speaker 2: you know, work through that your children's days, ask them
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Speaker 2: how it was and what they got up to.
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Speaker 3: It's kind of.
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Speaker 1: An interesting question because every child's going to be different,
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Speaker 1: and it really depends on the emotional climate in the home.
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Speaker 1: So sometimes our kids just want to tell us everything
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Speaker 1: when they walk in the door, and other times they
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Speaker 1: don't want to talk to us until dinner time. And
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Speaker 1: I think if we can be flexible about that and
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Speaker 1: just make sure that they know that we're available to connect,
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Speaker 1: that we've got a genuine interest, that we really see
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Speaker 1: them and hear them and value what they want share
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Speaker 1: about their day. It doesn't really matter when it happens.
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Speaker 1: What matters is that they know that they can and I.
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Speaker 2: Think you know, you know, like you said, often our
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Speaker 2: afternoons can be very busy, and the more children you have,
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Speaker 2: the more complicated the afternoon can get. And so one
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Speaker 2: of the things that we found has been just so
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Speaker 2: beautiful with our children is if we haven't had a
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Speaker 2: chance to connect with them through the day, you know
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Speaker 2: that that last five minutes before they kind of close
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Speaker 2: their eyes for the night, just sitting on their bed
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Speaker 2: and having a conversation about the things that matter to
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Speaker 2: them has been such a beautiful way for us to
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Speaker 2: connect with them.
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Speaker 1: Well, we hope that answers your questions, Rosalind, and we
10:35
Speaker 1: hope that's been helpful for you as well. If you've
10:37
Speaker 1: enjoyed the podcast, we'd be so grateful for you to
10:40
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10:42
Speaker 1: other people get to find out about the podcast and
10:45
Speaker 1: start listening to it so that they can make their
10:47
Speaker 1: families happier. Thank you so much for all the ratings
10:49
Speaker 1: and reviews that have been coming through. We are very
10:51
Speaker 1: grateful for those and The Happy Families podcast is produced
10:54
Speaker 1: by Justin Rulan and our Executive.
10:56
Speaker 3: Producer is Craig Bruce.
10:58
Speaker 1: If you'd like more information on how we can help
11:00
Speaker 1: your family to flourish, you can get all the info
11:03
Speaker 1: at happy families dot com dot au, but you can
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Speaker 1: Happy Families