Latest / Do You F*cking Mind? / 408. Choosing yourself, breaking cycles & beginning again. Headnoise.

Transcript

408. Choosing yourself, breaking cycles & beginning again. Headnoise. · Do You F*cking Mind?

0:15
Speaker 1: Hello, beautiful people, and welcome to the podcast episode of today.
0:18
Speaker 1: So in today's episode, this is a voicemail head Noids episode,
0:24
Speaker 1: So for those of you that haven't yet listened to one,
0:26
Speaker 1: it's where you guys send me your voice messages and
0:30
Speaker 1: we listen to them together and then I get to reply,
0:32
Speaker 1: so I try and even it out between emails and
0:35
Speaker 1: voicemails as well. So just love hearing your beautiful voices,
0:38
Speaker 1: to be honest, it's just very exciting. No major life
0:43
Speaker 1: update before we get into the topic of today's episode,
0:45
Speaker 1: other than the live show's coming up. We've pretty much
0:50
Speaker 1: like Melbourne's sold out, we're getting closer to selling out
0:53
Speaker 1: in Brisbane as well, so definitely Brisbane people jump on
0:58
Speaker 1: and get those tickets because it's around the corner and
1:01
Speaker 1: it's going to be such a good time. Gold Coast
1:03
Speaker 1: Adelaide like, we're selling quite well, but there's tickets available
1:06
Speaker 1: still in Gold Coast and Adelaide. But don't get too comfortable, guys,
1:09
Speaker 1: by buy your tickets, come and see me. It's honestly,
1:12
Speaker 1: it's going to be a great time. So DYFM Live
1:16
Speaker 1: Show Tour it's happening anyway, let's get straight in also
1:20
Speaker 1: The Merch the March. Oh anyway, let's just get straight
1:25
Speaker 1: into the episode of today. I've got four voice messages
1:30
Speaker 1: that I want to get through, So let's do this.
1:35
Speaker 2: Hilexis. First off, You're amazing. Love you love everything you do.
1:39
Speaker 2: You're incredible. My question is around emotional abuse and coescive
1:43
Speaker 2: control and relationships. Quick backstory. I've got a history of
1:48
Speaker 2: coercive control and abusive relationships with my two ex partners.
1:53
Speaker 2: I'm currently married. My husband and I've been going through
1:55
Speaker 2: a really rough time. We've been in therapy and and
2:00
Speaker 2: I have realized of late that a lot of his
2:03
Speaker 2: behaviors really feel very similar to those of my previous partners.
2:10
Speaker 2: I think when my confusion lies is that in those
2:13
Speaker 2: two previous relationships, there was a lot of aggression. There
2:18
Speaker 2: was a lot of like dominance of power behind their coercive,
2:22
Speaker 2: controlling behaviors, whereas my husband is just you know, has
2:25
Speaker 2: a He's a very nice guy. There's never any yelling,
2:29
Speaker 2: there's never any shouting, there's never any hitting, throwing anything
2:31
Speaker 2: like that. But it is always me soothing him. You know,
2:39
Speaker 2: there's like an instance of manipulation around sex. I came
2:47
Speaker 2: to bed and read a book instead of rolling over
2:49
Speaker 2: to him, and he had a full blown toddler tantrum.
2:52
Speaker 2: Left the room was very very silky, and it ended
2:55
Speaker 2: up me soothing him. And it feels incredibly familiar, but
3:04
Speaker 2: I feel just my head just feels completely foggy and confused.
3:10
Speaker 2: Like it feels very familiar to my heart and my body,
3:13
Speaker 2: but my brain is like this, it looks different. He's
3:15
Speaker 2: a nice guy, he's not angry. So I'm just wondering
3:20
Speaker 2: if you can just provide some clarity around emotional abuse,
3:26
Speaker 2: emotional manipulation, coercive control.
3:29
Speaker 3: I just I don't know.
3:31
Speaker 2: I just feel like I'm crazy and I would love
3:33
Speaker 2: some help.
3:33
Speaker 1: Thank you such a good question. Thank you so much
3:36
Speaker 1: for sending that in. So look, this is I'm very
3:40
Speaker 1: glad that you did share this with the audience, because
3:43
Speaker 1: I think a lot of people will have a bit
3:45
Speaker 1: of a light bulb moment being like, this is exactly
3:48
Speaker 1: what I'm going through when it comes to emotional abuse,
3:52
Speaker 1: coercive control, emotional manipulation, whether we're talking about narcissists, whether
3:58
Speaker 1: we're talking about specific people that just coercive control but
4:01
Speaker 1: are not narcissists, there's often going to be two versions
4:04
Speaker 1: of that thing. There's going to be the version that's
4:07
Speaker 1: often spoken about and the one that we know how
4:09
Speaker 1: to look out for, or we learn how to look
4:11
Speaker 1: out for. And that's kind of the overt version. That's
4:14
Speaker 1: the power play. It's the dominant one. It is I'm
4:17
Speaker 1: throwing my weight around to get what I want. I
4:20
Speaker 1: am intimidating you in order to get what I want.
4:24
Speaker 1: And I think many of us can very clearly identify
4:27
Speaker 1: what that looks like. And the reason why we end
4:29
Speaker 1: up caught up in these relationships, other than the obvious
4:33
Speaker 1: initial love bombing and not knowing what we're getting ourselves
4:36
Speaker 1: into at the start, is that then there's this power
4:39
Speaker 1: dynamic and we feel kind of, you know, scared in
4:44
Speaker 1: a way. We feel unsafe, but we also feel unsafe
4:46
Speaker 1: not being with them either, because our sense of self
4:48
Speaker 1: has been shaken. So that's the one that we really know. Okay,
4:51
Speaker 1: the overt version. The covert version is where people use
4:56
Speaker 1: emotional manipulation, flipping it around. It's where they play the victim.
5:00
Speaker 1: They can manipulate you quite significantly by being the victim
5:04
Speaker 1: in this situation. Okay, so I've done a I don't
5:07
Speaker 1: know if it was an episode, but I did it
5:08
Speaker 1: definitely a brain fact, if not an entire episode on
5:11
Speaker 1: covert versus overt narcissists. And I know we're not talking
5:15
Speaker 1: about narcissists here, but I definitely recommend you listen to
5:17
Speaker 1: that episode because it gives you a really good idea
5:20
Speaker 1: of how someone who's the sweetheart the nice guy quote
5:25
Speaker 1: unquote can end up being the manipulator. Okay. Now, I
5:30
Speaker 1: think it's really interesting when we talk about the label
5:32
Speaker 1: of the nice guy, and it kind of annoys me
5:35
Speaker 1: because people say, oh, nice guy's finished. Like anyone can
5:38
Speaker 1: be nice. It costs nothing to be nice. Okay, being
5:41
Speaker 1: a good person versus being a nice person are two
5:44
Speaker 1: completely different things. You could be an asshole and be nice.
5:47
Speaker 1: You could not actually care about people and come across
5:50
Speaker 1: as nice. To me, nice has not much weight to it. Okay,
5:54
Speaker 1: So when you look at, you know, the nice guy
5:57
Speaker 1: or dating the nice guy, you've got to think, okay, nice,
6:00
Speaker 1: let's put nice aside. What's the substance behind this? Okay?
6:04
Speaker 1: What is actually going on behind them? Because they could
6:06
Speaker 1: appear they're they're facing their front facing personality could come
6:10
Speaker 1: across as quote unquote nice, but really what is going
6:14
Speaker 1: on underneath? And it's not saying they're a bad person,
6:17
Speaker 1: but it is saying that they're using tactics to manipulate
6:20
Speaker 1: you in order to get to where they want to be. Okay,
6:23
Speaker 1: So someone that and I'm not going to be throwing
6:27
Speaker 1: labels here saying if your husband's a nice person, not
6:30
Speaker 1: a nice person, a good person, or not a good person,
6:32
Speaker 1: but someone that is, you know, not yelling at you,
6:36
Speaker 1: not throwing their weight around, but also making you feel
6:38
Speaker 1: guilty for not sleeping with him. That's, as we all know,
6:42
Speaker 1: that is a form of emotional manipulation, and emotional manipulation
6:46
Speaker 1: is emotional abuse. Okay, So it's hard to label it
6:50
Speaker 1: as abuse when it's happening to you because you're like,
6:53
Speaker 1: but but they're the victim here. They feel really you know,
6:56
Speaker 1: they look really sad. They're not really abusing me, they're
6:58
Speaker 1: this or that. But you've got to look at what
7:01
Speaker 1: is the behavior that follows through with this abuse and
7:03
Speaker 1: is it what pleased them? So, for example, if they
7:07
Speaker 1: manipulated me by you know, I felt really bad because
7:10
Speaker 1: I didn't end up having sex with them, because they
7:12
Speaker 1: then carried on and you know, they just looked so
7:15
Speaker 1: distraught and so upset, and they made a scene and
7:18
Speaker 1: then I started apologizing, and then I felt bad and
7:20
Speaker 1: I felt like I was the one in the wrong,
7:22
Speaker 1: even though if I really break it down, I'm not
7:24
Speaker 1: in the wrong. And then they felt happy with my reaction.
7:27
Speaker 1: Then it means that they have manipulated me to get
7:30
Speaker 1: me where they want me to be. Okay, So however
7:34
Speaker 1: they got there, they manipulated you, and start to look
7:39
Speaker 1: for a pattern in this. How often are you seeing
7:42
Speaker 1: that when they want something that serves them and not
7:46
Speaker 1: necessarily the greater good of the couple, what are they
7:49
Speaker 1: doing to get it? Are they kindly asking for it
7:52
Speaker 1: and seeing if you're also interested in it and then
7:54
Speaker 1: coming to the table and if it's not something that's
7:56
Speaker 1: going to work for both of you, they agree that
7:58
Speaker 1: it's just not for the best interest of the relationship.
8:00
Speaker 1: Or are they like, I'm going to do what I
8:02
Speaker 1: can do to get what I want, whether it's play
8:05
Speaker 1: the victim, but they're not the victim. You're the victim,
8:08
Speaker 1: But play the victim? Or am I going to throw
8:11
Speaker 1: my weight around and intimidate but it doesn't matter how
8:15
Speaker 1: they get there? At the end of the day, if
8:17
Speaker 1: you have been manipulated to feel or do something where
8:20
Speaker 1: you feel like you didn't really have the power or
8:23
Speaker 1: you weren't really in control, then that is emotional manipulation
8:27
Speaker 1: and it is a form of emotional abuse. So it's
8:31
Speaker 1: very clear that he's only thinking of himself in this
8:35
Speaker 1: scenario when he does this. He doesn't have to yell
8:38
Speaker 1: to be manipulative, okay. And that's a huge wakeup call
8:43
Speaker 1: for a lot of people, because I think a lot
8:44
Speaker 1: of people think, oh, they're just being difficult to Oh,
8:46
Speaker 1: we just don't say eye to Oh always, always, always,
8:50
Speaker 1: And also check yourself before you wreck yourself. Ask yourself,
8:53
Speaker 1: do I ever do this when I want something in
8:56
Speaker 1: the relationship? Am I thinking I'll do what it takes
8:59
Speaker 1: to get it. I don't care if I put my
9:01
Speaker 1: partner in a difficult situation? Or are you thinking? Is
9:04
Speaker 1: this for the greater good of us? Is my partner
9:06
Speaker 1: comfortable while I make this request? Is my partner also
9:10
Speaker 1: wanting the same thing? And if they're not, have I
9:12
Speaker 1: investigated what it is that my partner actually wants? And
9:14
Speaker 1: that's a healthy relationship? Okay? Because I might want all
9:17
Speaker 1: the sex in the world. But if my partner's not
9:20
Speaker 1: really wanting sex and he doesn't even have to voice it,
9:22
Speaker 1: if he just said, if he just like with his
9:25
Speaker 1: body language showed that he didn't want sex, then that
9:26
Speaker 1: instantly means that I don't want sex because why would
9:29
Speaker 1: I want to have sex with someone who's just not
9:30
Speaker 1: in the mood to have sex? Right, So it's kind
9:32
Speaker 1: of like is it working for us or is it not?
9:35
Speaker 1: But for him, he's like priority for me sex, she's
9:38
Speaker 1: not giving to me. How am I gonna get it?
9:40
Speaker 1: He's not thinking about you. So you're not going crazy.
9:43
Speaker 1: You're absolutely not going crazy. You've hit the nail on
9:46
Speaker 1: the head. You know exactly what you've identified. Can you
9:48
Speaker 1: work around it? Yes you can. But the primary, like
9:52
Speaker 1: the one key factor to being able to work around this,
9:56
Speaker 1: whether you're dating, whether you're married, it doesn't matter. The
9:58
Speaker 1: one thing is they have to a acknowledge and b
10:03
Speaker 1: agree and want to change. If you're not getting the
10:06
Speaker 1: acknowledgment and the desire to change from him, it's just
10:09
Speaker 1: going to be more of the same and that's not
10:12
Speaker 1: going to change. Okay. They have to identify that their
10:16
Speaker 1: form of communication isn't working. For you long time, and
10:18
Speaker 1: it's not going to work for the marriage long term.
10:21
Speaker 1: If he can't acknowledge that. You can try and get
10:23
Speaker 1: him to see it from different angles, you can try
10:25
Speaker 1: and get him to see it through therapy, through all
10:27
Speaker 1: of that, but at the end of the day, this
10:28
Speaker 1: change has to come from him acknowledging his behaviors and
10:31
Speaker 1: choosing different in the future. Okay, And I think that's
10:35
Speaker 1: really really difficult. That's kind of the biggest make or
10:38
Speaker 1: break for a lot of relationships. It's like, I've now
10:41
Speaker 1: identified really what the problem is, and I'm kind of
10:43
Speaker 1: at a roadblock because until they take the next step
10:46
Speaker 1: to change their behavior, I either A leave them or
10:49
Speaker 1: B have to put up with it. They're my only
10:51
Speaker 1: two options if they're not willing to change, they're my
10:53
Speaker 1: only two options, which is not it's not ideal. Okay,
10:57
Speaker 1: but thank you so much for sending that in such
11:00
Speaker 1: a good point to touch on. It's thank you, Okay.
11:04
Speaker 4: Next one, high Alexis, I want to say thank you
11:09
Speaker 4: so much for starting this podcast because three years ago
11:11
Speaker 4: I took that leap of faith and I got to
11:13
Speaker 4: want my ticket to Europe, and when I was in Europe,
11:15
Speaker 4: I met my beautiful boyfriend who is everything I want.
11:19
Speaker 5: But unfortunately my visa was running out after a year,
11:21
Speaker 5: so I moved to Dubai and I've been here for
11:24
Speaker 5: about a year and a half and we've been doing
11:27
Speaker 5: long distance, but it's getting to the point where we
11:29
Speaker 5: don't want to do long distance anymore. But the thing is,
11:31
Speaker 5: he doesn't want to move to Dubai. I don't want
11:33
Speaker 5: to move where he is living at the time at
11:35
Speaker 5: the moment, so we're looking at moving to another country
11:38
Speaker 5: in Asia. But he's not one hundred percent sure on
11:42
Speaker 5: what he wants in the future, and that makes me
11:44
Speaker 5: really anxious. And I think I'm someone that likes a
11:47
Speaker 5: bit of a plan, and because I won't be living
11:49
Speaker 5: in my home country and I would be having the
11:52
Speaker 5: stability that I have it here in Dubai, I just
11:55
Speaker 5: feel really anxious about giving it all up again and
11:57
Speaker 5: starting again from scratch. And I tell myself, like, I
12:00
Speaker 5: have time and I'm young, but there's still anxiety because
12:03
Speaker 5: I'm like, what if he's just not sure, That's why
12:05
Speaker 5: he can't commit, That's why he can't make a plan
12:07
Speaker 5: because he's not sure about me. And then it makes
12:09
Speaker 5: me think am I making the wrong choice about leaving
12:12
Speaker 5: everything for him for someone who's not like one hundred
12:14
Speaker 5: percent committed, Like he says that he just wants to
12:16
Speaker 5: be together, which is sweet, But at the same time, I'm.
12:19
Speaker 6: Like, ah, where's that two year plan? Like are we
12:21
Speaker 6: getting married? So I don't know how to relax on that,
12:25
Speaker 6: how to ease my anxiety or if it's like valid
12:28
Speaker 6: and maybe I should be more wary and more cautious
12:32
Speaker 6: and not too sure.
12:34
Speaker 1: Awesome question. Awesome question. And you're it's very valid for
12:38
Speaker 1: you to be feeling that way, And I don't think
12:39
Speaker 1: that it's kind of like you over analyzing it or
12:42
Speaker 1: being paranoid or freaking out. I think this is a Yeah,
12:44
Speaker 1: it's a valid concern that you have. And yeah, like
12:47
Speaker 1: I think we can all as long as we can
12:49
Speaker 1: all acknowledge that there's no guarantees when it comes to relationships.
12:52
Speaker 1: Someone could be proposing and then things don't work out
12:54
Speaker 1: in the future. But I totally got what you're saying.
12:56
Speaker 1: I also, you know you also want to be like
12:59
Speaker 1: I need a bit more, a little bit more clarity.
13:01
Speaker 1: I don't need you to say we're going to be
13:02
Speaker 1: together forever, and that's it because no one can speak
13:04
Speaker 1: for like the long term future selves because things can change.
13:08
Speaker 1: But yes, I agree because if you're like, is this
13:12
Speaker 1: guy literally currently arming and a ring about our relationship?
13:15
Speaker 1: And I need to know that because if they're currently
13:19
Speaker 1: being like, is this the right thing for me? Is
13:20
Speaker 1: it going to work long term? I don't know. Maybe yes,
13:23
Speaker 1: maybe not. I understand you wholeheartedly thinking, well, I don't
13:27
Speaker 1: think I want to pursue this and waste my time,
13:30
Speaker 1: because yes, you are young, but when you can acknowledge
13:33
Speaker 1: that something is potentially going to steer you in a
13:35
Speaker 1: direction you don't want to go to, then you also
13:37
Speaker 1: want to listen to that alarm bell inside you. Okay,
13:40
Speaker 1: that's why we have our instincts and like these gut feelings.
13:45
Speaker 1: So I guess the way I would look at this.
13:48
Speaker 1: I mean, I'm sure you've had the conversation with him
13:51
Speaker 1: and putting someone on the spot with you. Know, those
13:53
Speaker 1: things can only go so far because a lot of
13:55
Speaker 1: people will still say no, no, no, this is what
13:57
Speaker 1: I want, this is what I want, because they fear
14:00
Speaker 1: using what they do have then making a decision, and
14:03
Speaker 1: then so they'll still say, oh no, it is what
14:05
Speaker 1: I want. And then he might actually come to his
14:07
Speaker 1: senses and later on being like, you know, I've got
14:11
Speaker 1: my answers. Now I don't need you anymore. I've got
14:13
Speaker 1: my answers. So my advice for you in this situation
14:20
Speaker 1: is because I'm not saying certainty and I don't know
14:24
Speaker 1: if I'm going to get it or how I'm going
14:25
Speaker 1: to get certainty, you got two options. Leave him straight away,
14:28
Speaker 1: which is probably not an option because I don't think
14:30
Speaker 1: that's where you're at right now, so we will probably
14:32
Speaker 1: discard that option. The second option that you could do
14:35
Speaker 1: is given that I'm not getting the certainty that I
14:38
Speaker 1: need from you right now, and it's valid certainty because
14:41
Speaker 1: we're literally talking about moving countries. So if I'm going
14:44
Speaker 1: to uproot my life again and go somewhere else, I
14:47
Speaker 1: need some let I need to see, I need to
14:51
Speaker 1: you know, that whole idea of when you know, you know,
14:53
Speaker 1: when you know someone's like one hundred percent sold on you,
14:57
Speaker 1: it's not even a question, right like you, Okay, there
15:00
Speaker 1: some people that get blindsided here and there, but for
15:02
Speaker 1: the most part, you're like, yeah, this person is sure
15:05
Speaker 1: about me and I'm sure about them, And there's that's
15:07
Speaker 1: where each other's person. When that is removed or when
15:10
Speaker 1: that doesn't exist in the first place, then you're gonna
15:12
Speaker 1: have a lot of fucking doubts. And it's it's a
15:14
Speaker 1: very different feeling. And that's where you're sitting right now.
15:17
Speaker 1: You're like, I know he likes me, but does he
15:19
Speaker 1: feel like I'm his person that he wants to overcome
15:22
Speaker 1: all these challenges that I've seen all these other couples overcome.
15:25
Speaker 1: They will, they will do whatever it takes to be together.
15:28
Speaker 1: This doesn't feel like it's that, which is okay, he
15:32
Speaker 1: doesn't have to, But I also don't want to be
15:34
Speaker 1: fucking around and floating around just to kind of make
15:37
Speaker 1: him feel secure until he feels secure enough on his own,
15:40
Speaker 1: and then he gets up and leaves, and then I've
15:41
Speaker 1: wasted all this time that and doing stuff I didn't
15:43
Speaker 1: really want to do. So my question to you is,
15:46
Speaker 1: what is something that I could do that we could
15:48
Speaker 1: potentially do together if I still want to be with
15:50
Speaker 1: him where I'm still fulfilling my needs. Because if you're
15:54
Speaker 1: if you're not getting what you need from him, and
15:56
Speaker 1: you're about to uproots and potentially sacrifice and do something
15:59
Speaker 1: that you don't really do. You're going to resent yourself,
16:01
Speaker 1: You're going to resent him, and then if shit does
16:04
Speaker 1: hit the fan, you're going to be like, I should
16:06
Speaker 1: have listened to my gud, I should have. I just knew,
16:07
Speaker 1: I knew, I knew, I knew I knew. So basically,
16:10
Speaker 1: what I'm saying is take it with a grain of salt.
16:12
Speaker 1: If you choose to stay with him and still move countries,
16:14
Speaker 1: there's nothing wrong with that because you're exploring where this
16:16
Speaker 1: could go. He could be your person. This could just
16:19
Speaker 1: be a rough patch. But at the same time, think
16:22
Speaker 1: what else am I going to get out of this
16:25
Speaker 1: new experience? Why am I moving to this country? And
16:28
Speaker 1: it can't just be for him? Okay? Is it because
16:31
Speaker 1: it's going to have these opportunities, it's going to give
16:33
Speaker 1: me this good And if you can't answer that question,
16:37
Speaker 1: If the only reason you're going to move is because
16:39
Speaker 1: you've got to be close to him and it's going
16:40
Speaker 1: to serve him and it's going to be good for him,
16:42
Speaker 1: but it's not going to be good for you, then
16:44
Speaker 1: I don't suggest you move. Okay. It would be a
16:46
Speaker 1: very different story if you guys were like, we are
16:49
Speaker 1: each other's person. This is fucking it. It's fucking it's
16:51
Speaker 1: part of our long term journey for the future. That's different.
16:56
Speaker 1: What you could also do is put it on hold,
16:58
Speaker 1: just say I'm going to wait a little bit longer.
17:00
Speaker 1: I'm not getting the clarity I need from you. I
17:02
Speaker 1: also want to give you the space to make the
17:04
Speaker 1: decisions that's right for you. But if I don't get
17:07
Speaker 1: the clarity, I'm not going to jump ship. I'm sorry.
17:10
Speaker 1: You know I'm in my twenties. Yes, it's the time
17:13
Speaker 1: to fuck around, but I could also be going someone
17:14
Speaker 1: completely different, doing something else, experiencing you know, I'm not
17:16
Speaker 1: here to waste my time. People. When it comes to uncertainty,
17:21
Speaker 1: people can be very, very selfish, and they will put
17:25
Speaker 1: other people on hold indefinitely until they feel secure. Okay,
17:30
Speaker 1: And they don't do it intentionally. They're not trying to
17:33
Speaker 1: do it to hurt you. It's a protective mechanism that
17:35
Speaker 1: they do for themselves. But if he's trying to protect
17:37
Speaker 1: himself because he doesn't know what he wants yet, and
17:39
Speaker 1: you're the certainty for him, even if he doesn't know,
17:42
Speaker 1: if you're his personal long term, he's going to have
17:45
Speaker 1: you just on standby until he decides if he needs
17:48
Speaker 1: you or not in his life, and that's not good
17:51
Speaker 1: enough for me. So if that's how you feel, I
17:53
Speaker 1: would express saying, you know what, love you so much,
17:56
Speaker 1: but this is how you make me feel right now,
17:58
Speaker 1: I'm not really getting certainty. So for me, Tom of
17:59
Speaker 1: Kind and all of that, for you, it's going to
18:01
Speaker 1: be a no. It's gonna be a fucking no. So
18:04
Speaker 1: if you change your mind and you have that certainty
18:06
Speaker 1: and you realize I'm my god fuck, then we can
18:07
Speaker 1: have conversation. But other than that, these are the countries
18:10
Speaker 1: that I'm willing to move to because I can see
18:11
Speaker 1: opportunities for myself here. So that way, if shit does
18:14
Speaker 1: is the fan, I don't resent moving. That's personally what
18:17
Speaker 1: I would do, because, yeah, if you're not getting certain
18:21
Speaker 1: like I said, you can never get complete certainty from somebody.
18:23
Speaker 1: You never know exactly what someone wants. Even married couples
18:27
Speaker 1: get divorced. You know, you can't progress a lifetime. But yeah,
18:30
Speaker 1: you need if you're currently dating someone, if you're with
18:32
Speaker 1: them right now, you would want that. You would want
18:36
Speaker 1: that sense of certainty that at least right now, you
18:38
Speaker 1: feel like you're each other's person. If you're not getting that,
18:40
Speaker 1: then then you need to bring the ball into your
18:45
Speaker 1: court a little bit more. Hopefully that helps. I know,
18:47
Speaker 1: I'll give you like a thousand different ways to look at.
18:49
Speaker 7: It next one.
19:13
Speaker 8: Hey, Lexus, I've been listening to your podcast for a
19:16
Speaker 8: while now, and I really appreciate how you dive into real,
19:19
Speaker 8: meaningful conversations. The way you break things down always makes
19:23
Speaker 8: me feel a little less alone, which is why I
19:25
Speaker 8: wanted to reach out and share something I've been struggling
19:27
Speaker 8: with for a long time. I felt like I'm constantly running,
19:31
Speaker 8: whether that's moving to a new town, starting over, or
19:34
Speaker 8: just trying to escape situations that don't work out for me.
19:38
Speaker 8: Every time I think I'm building a new life, it
19:40
Speaker 8: feels like I end up right back where I started.
19:43
Speaker 8: Right now, I'm stuck in a toxic workplace where my
19:46
Speaker 8: manager yells at staff and it's draining the life out
19:49
Speaker 8: of me and the others. I've been applying for jobs constantly,
19:52
Speaker 8: but I just don't hear back. It's really frustrating because
19:55
Speaker 8: I know I need to get out of there, but
19:57
Speaker 8: I just feel trapped. On top of the but I
20:00
Speaker 8: don't have much to do with my family and I
20:02
Speaker 8: don't get any real support from them, and when I'm struggling,
20:06
Speaker 8: I feel like I have to handle everything on my own.
20:09
Speaker 8: It's made me feel like I don't really fit in anywhere,
20:11
Speaker 8: whether it's with family, work, or just even life. I've
20:15
Speaker 8: tried everything I can think of, but trying to say
20:18
Speaker 8: positive when nothing changes, it's hard not to feel stuck.
20:22
Speaker 8: I know I'm not the only one going through something
20:24
Speaker 8: like this, and I'd love to hear your thoughts. I
20:27
Speaker 8: know you must get a lot of messages, so I
20:29
Speaker 8: really appreciate you taking the time to read this. No
20:32
Speaker 8: matter what, I just wanted to say, thank you for
20:34
Speaker 8: the work you do. Your podcast has always given me
20:37
Speaker 8: a lot to think about, and I always look forward
20:39
Speaker 8: to new episodes. Best regards, Cia.
20:44
Speaker 1: Great question, Thank you for sending that in. Yeah, yeah,
20:49
Speaker 1: I can kind of relate in a sense to aspects
20:54
Speaker 1: of what you were saying. I know a lot of
20:55
Speaker 1: my twenties, I mean, not the relationship side of things
20:59
Speaker 1: with the family, but I know a lot of my
21:00
Speaker 1: twenties I felt like I was never really settling, and
21:04
Speaker 1: I was going from one place to the other, to
21:06
Speaker 1: the other to the other, and yeah, I just never
21:08
Speaker 1: really felt like I could, you know, set my roots
21:12
Speaker 1: down because I didn't have this knowing of like, yeah,
21:15
Speaker 1: this is the right thing for me. I guess what
21:18
Speaker 1: you want to ask yourself in this situation is if
21:21
Speaker 1: every time I uproot and I go somewhere else, and
21:25
Speaker 1: I get the same experience, And then I uproot and
21:26
Speaker 1: I go somewhere else and I get the same experience,
21:28
Speaker 1: not necessarily that it's your fault, but who's the common
21:31
Speaker 1: denominator here? It's you? Right, If I'm not changing anything
21:36
Speaker 1: significant about myself, and I'm taking myself my beliefs, how
21:40
Speaker 1: I interact with people, how I the energy that I
21:44
Speaker 1: have within myself and that I give to others, if
21:46
Speaker 1: I'm just relocating that same bubble everywhere I go, then
21:52
Speaker 1: I'm likely to have the same experiences reflected back to
21:55
Speaker 1: me every single time. Okay, It's like if I up
22:00
Speaker 1: my life and even moved overseas, but I haven't changed
22:02
Speaker 1: anything about myself, or I haven't worked on my personal
22:04
Speaker 1: growth or the belief systems I have around myself, or
22:06
Speaker 1: how I talk about myself or or my routines, or
22:09
Speaker 1: how I treat myself, for how I interact with other people.
22:11
Speaker 1: If I don't change any of that, and I just
22:14
Speaker 1: uproot myself and go to another country. The likelihood of
22:16
Speaker 1: things starting to fall into the same pattern that they
22:19
Speaker 1: were back at home is very, very high. Or the
22:21
Speaker 1: likelihood of me getting into a position and then looking
22:23
Speaker 1: back at my past being like, oh, my past wasn't
22:26
Speaker 1: that bad, and you start looking at the past through
22:28
Speaker 1: rose colored lenses. So this is what you've got to do. Firstly,
22:32
Speaker 1: I don't want to encourage anyone to stay in a
22:34
Speaker 1: workplace where someone's yelling at you and making you feel
22:36
Speaker 1: like shit. You know that's not the answer. I'm not saying, well, now,
22:40
Speaker 1: just stay where you are and try and fix yourself.
22:42
Speaker 1: But what I am going to say to you is
22:45
Speaker 1: try and be as self aware as possible, because you
22:49
Speaker 1: are the one who is responsible to change anything that
22:53
Speaker 1: is potentially changeable within you, okay, and having that self
22:57
Speaker 1: awareness to be like, what is it that I can change?
22:59
Speaker 1: I'm not responsible for my boss yelling at me, But
23:02
Speaker 1: what is it that I'm bringing to every workplace or
23:07
Speaker 1: to every interview, or what is it that I always
23:10
Speaker 1: find myself in these situations? Is it that I think
23:12
Speaker 1: I don't deserve any different? Is it that I don't
23:16
Speaker 1: put myself in a situation to try and upskill myself
23:19
Speaker 1: so I can do better than this job that I've
23:22
Speaker 1: always like, I hate this shit. Maybe I need to
23:24
Speaker 1: change Is it because I'm not willing to take bigger
23:26
Speaker 1: risks and put myself in it in you know, doing
23:29
Speaker 1: something a little bit harder, But then I'm probably going
23:31
Speaker 1: to be like, where is it that I can have
23:34
Speaker 1: some control over this situation and change it? Because I'm
23:38
Speaker 1: beating the same fucking drum. It's the same shit again
23:42
Speaker 1: and again and again, and at the end of the day,
23:44
Speaker 1: even though it's not your fault that people treat you
23:47
Speaker 1: a certain way or take you, you know, take advantage
23:49
Speaker 1: of you and do all of these things, it is
23:51
Speaker 1: your responsibility to try and shift that and think, why
23:54
Speaker 1: is it that other people don't get spoken to like
23:57
Speaker 1: shit versus me? And it's because of how they carry
24:01
Speaker 1: themselves versus me. So what can I start to do? Like,
24:03
Speaker 1: what can I admit that It's like, I'm not going
24:06
Speaker 1: to take your fucking bullshit because there are people out
24:08
Speaker 1: there that no one's giving them bullshit because they are
24:10
Speaker 1: throwing off strong fucking energy being like, don't come near
24:14
Speaker 1: me with that shit right then when it can't Okay,
24:17
Speaker 1: you don't have a good relationship with your family. I
24:19
Speaker 1: don't have details on that, so I'm not going to
24:20
Speaker 1: go into that. But what I want you to start
24:23
Speaker 1: to realize is I can't keep relocating the same version
24:27
Speaker 1: of me to every new experience in my life. I've
24:29
Speaker 1: got to dig deep and think what what is it
24:33
Speaker 1: about me that I could start changing. So then the
24:36
Speaker 1: outside world begins to reflect that because you you know,
24:41
Speaker 1: what you put out is then eventually reflected back. And
24:44
Speaker 1: it's not about being because there's a difference between I'm
24:47
Speaker 1: going to do the work on myself. I'm going to
24:48
Speaker 1: start to change what's going to be reflected back to me.
24:50
Speaker 1: I'm going to start to change how I treat myself,
24:52
Speaker 1: how I show up, I'm going to start to change
24:54
Speaker 1: how I challenge myself, what positions I put myself into,
24:58
Speaker 1: how I interact with the negative situation, all these things
25:01
Speaker 1: my belief for what is possible for me. There's a
25:03
Speaker 1: difference between acknowledging where you're at and knowing where you
25:06
Speaker 1: want to be versus just being positive about a situation. Okay,
25:09
Speaker 1: because even when it comes to changing your mindset around something.
25:13
Speaker 1: I'm not saying just pretend you like something in order
25:17
Speaker 1: for things to go. Well, that's not it at all.
25:19
Speaker 1: There's nothing wrong. It's actually healthy to acknowledge what you
25:22
Speaker 1: don't want in order to figure out what you do want.
25:24
Speaker 1: But what is really really important is if you're in
25:27
Speaker 1: a situation that you don't like, just to run away
25:32
Speaker 1: from it without knowing where you want to go or
25:35
Speaker 1: what experience you want to have, or what change you
25:36
Speaker 1: want to make, or what growth you need to have,
25:39
Speaker 1: then you are just going to be on this hamster
25:41
Speaker 1: wheel off running away, same situation, running away, same situation. Run, run, run, run, run.
25:45
Speaker 1: And people do that all the time, whether it's with work,
25:47
Speaker 1: whether it's with cities, whether it's with relationships, friendships. It's
25:50
Speaker 1: huge with friendships. And so you just have to ask yourself, Okay,
25:55
Speaker 1: if I'm going to run away this time, I need
25:57
Speaker 1: to know exactly where I'm going. You said, I've been
25:59
Speaker 1: applying for heaps jobs. Do you know exactly what it
26:01
Speaker 1: is that you want experience in the workplace? What is
26:03
Speaker 1: your number one priority that you want to experience in
26:05
Speaker 1: your workplace? Because it doesn't have to be career related,
26:08
Speaker 1: it could be I just want a relaxed environment. And
26:13
Speaker 1: if that's the case, then you're going to start to
26:15
Speaker 1: look at different jobs. You're going to start to look
26:17
Speaker 1: at different career options. You're going to start to look
26:19
Speaker 1: at maybe I'm in the wrong career right now, and
26:21
Speaker 1: then you start to look at maybe I need to
26:23
Speaker 1: upskill myself. How what do I need to do? Who
26:28
Speaker 1: are the people that I need to speak to? Who
26:30
Speaker 1: do I need to call? So running away it only
26:34
Speaker 1: serves you if you have a very clear idea of
26:37
Speaker 1: what it is that you want to run towards, what
26:39
Speaker 1: experiences you want to have. So I think my advice
26:41
Speaker 1: to you in a nutshell is I'm done taking the
26:45
Speaker 1: same version of myself to every experience that I run
26:48
Speaker 1: away from. If I'm going to run away again, what
26:51
Speaker 1: is going to change about me? So I can take
26:54
Speaker 1: a brand new version of myself to the next experience
26:56
Speaker 1: because history will continue to repeat itself if I'm not
26:59
Speaker 1: changing anything about my outlook and my attitude and my
27:04
Speaker 1: you know, resistance to things and what I'm willing to
27:07
Speaker 1: you know, think about, and you know what, Read my
27:10
Speaker 1: fucking book, Read How to Chance Change Thirty Days to
27:14
Speaker 1: Master your mindset. The first module, the first five chapters
27:17
Speaker 1: is all about identity. It's all about identity and what
27:20
Speaker 1: you're allowing in, what you're not allowing in. It really
27:24
Speaker 1: breaks down exactly what I'm talking about right now, and
27:26
Speaker 1: it makes you do like exercises in that because then
27:28
Speaker 1: it helps you decide what am I going to bring
27:30
Speaker 1: into my future and what am I leaving in the past.
27:34
Speaker 1: Hopefully that helped. Yeah, but yeah, very good question, because
27:39
Speaker 1: I feel like a lot of people might yeah, feel
27:43
Speaker 1: that same way.
27:45
Speaker 3: Okay, last, Hi, Alexis, thanks so much for hearing me out,
27:50
Speaker 3: and secondly, thank you for just being an all round
27:52
Speaker 3: fucking legend. I love all of your podcasts. You've been
27:55
Speaker 3: so helpful to me the last two years, and I
27:58
Speaker 3: can imagine for so many others. So thank you for
28:01
Speaker 3: doing what you do. The advice that I'm looking for
28:04
Speaker 3: today is around what I am learning in therapy. I've
28:09
Speaker 3: been in therapy in and out for the last couple
28:11
Speaker 3: of years, and I live with my partner in our
28:14
Speaker 3: house with our two dogs. And the more that I
28:17
Speaker 3: educate myself around attachment styles, I have come to learn
28:22
Speaker 3: that I'm an anxiously attached person and my partner is avoidant,
28:27
Speaker 3: like classic type a avoidant attachment. When we have blues
28:33
Speaker 3: or we need to bring something up, he takes it
28:36
Speaker 3: as an attack and completely shuts down. Sometimes he changes
28:40
Speaker 3: my wordings. I try not to get my back up
28:44
Speaker 3: about it because I look at that as gas lighting.
28:47
Speaker 3: Does he hear me in a different way or is
28:49
Speaker 3: he gas lighting with this avoidant tendency? And also just
28:54
Speaker 3: like recognizing that I am anxious. So when I take
28:58
Speaker 3: a step forward, he takes step back. I take another
29:01
Speaker 3: step forward, he takes a step back. Do you have
29:04
Speaker 3: any advice on how this tango works? Is my question?
29:10
Speaker 3: And is it possible or do we need to go
29:13
Speaker 3: on our own journeys?
29:15
Speaker 1: Awesome question, Love that question. Yes, it is possible actually
29:19
Speaker 1: to work through that, but it requires, like everything in
29:22
Speaker 1: a relationship, it requires effort from both ends. You did
29:25
Speaker 1: mention therapy. I don't know if your partner is also
29:28
Speaker 1: involved in this therapy or not, but if you could
29:31
Speaker 1: get your partner involved even in conversations after you have
29:34
Speaker 1: your therapy, that would be really really great because the
29:36
Speaker 1: main thing, again I'm going to say it for the
29:39
Speaker 1: thousandth time, comes down to communication. As long as you
29:43
Speaker 1: are both on the same page as my main goal
29:46
Speaker 1: in this relationship is to understand you and vice versa.
29:51
Speaker 1: If our goal is to understand each other, then even
29:54
Speaker 1: when we go to our default, I'm pulling back. I
29:57
Speaker 1: feel attacked. Wall is up versus your default, which is
30:01
Speaker 1: I need to know more, I need to be reassured.
30:04
Speaker 1: I'm coming to you for more because I need more
30:07
Speaker 1: right now. So if that's these are your defaults. But
30:10
Speaker 1: if you've communicated the underlying essence of what it is
30:13
Speaker 1: that you guys genuinely want from each other, which is
30:16
Speaker 1: to understand each other, then you're going to start to
30:18
Speaker 1: be able to navigate these moments a bit better. One
30:22
Speaker 1: thing to do firstly, you always want to have this
30:24
Speaker 1: conversation about your conflict styles and how that links to
30:28
Speaker 1: your attachment style. You want to have this conversation when
30:30
Speaker 1: you're calm, when you feel really good, and preface the
30:33
Speaker 1: conversation saying, let's sit down and talk about how it
30:37
Speaker 1: is that we resolve conflict or how we we have
30:40
Speaker 1: our conflicts in the first place. If this conversation right
30:44
Speaker 1: now begins to escalate, let's just cool off and then
30:48
Speaker 1: instead I want you to write down a bunch of things,
30:50
Speaker 1: and I'm going to write down a bunch of things
30:52
Speaker 1: and then we can bring it to each other later,
30:53
Speaker 1: because I don't we don't want this to be a
30:55
Speaker 1: point of contention. We want this to be something that's
30:57
Speaker 1: going to bring us close, that's going to make us
30:59
Speaker 1: feel safe within the relationship. Okay, So always preface, especially
31:03
Speaker 1: when you're talking about avoidant and someone's anxious. You want
31:06
Speaker 1: to really lay the groundwork out, being like this is
31:09
Speaker 1: here to make both of us feel good and feel safe. Okay,
31:12
Speaker 1: I want you to feel heard by the end of
31:14
Speaker 1: this conversation, and vice versa. So then you can say
31:17
Speaker 1: to your partner, I want you to tell me, because
31:20
Speaker 1: he's in a calm setting, you're not angry, you haven't
31:22
Speaker 1: had a fight. I want you to tell me what
31:24
Speaker 1: you observe from me when we have conflict. What do
31:28
Speaker 1: you observe for me? And so then your partner will say, well,
31:31
Speaker 1: I noticed that you're up in my face, you're up
31:33
Speaker 1: in my grill, and I need space and I need
31:35
Speaker 1: this and I need that, okay, and then what reaction
31:38
Speaker 1: does that make you feel?
31:39
Speaker 6: Well?
31:39
Speaker 1: Then I get even more and then so he starts
31:41
Speaker 1: opening up about whatever. And the reason I say to
31:43
Speaker 1: ask him about what they observe in you first is
31:46
Speaker 1: because you start to get them talking, You start to
31:48
Speaker 1: get them a bit more open and vulnerable than used
31:50
Speaker 1: to having this conversation. And it's not as personal because
31:52
Speaker 1: they're talking about your behaviors. Okay. Again, it's really friendly.
31:55
Speaker 1: We're talking about it. And because it's in a calm setting,
31:58
Speaker 1: it because you've asked the question, you're less likely to
32:01
Speaker 1: feel attacked by it because you're saying, let's talk about
32:04
Speaker 1: this and these, and then you're talking about behaviors. You're
32:08
Speaker 1: not character assassinating and saying you're this, you're that, You're
32:10
Speaker 1: saying you do this behavior. Okay, then you can say,
32:14
Speaker 1: all right, that's really helpful because I know I do
32:19
Speaker 1: those things. But it's helpful to hear it from your perspective,
32:22
Speaker 1: especially how it makes you feel, because how you perceive
32:25
Speaker 1: conflict is very different to how I perceive conflict, and
32:28
Speaker 1: your needs in a time of conflict are very different
32:31
Speaker 1: to my needs in a time of conflict. So then
32:34
Speaker 1: you say, now, let's talk about it from the other perspective.
32:37
Speaker 1: When we have conflict, this is the behavior that I
32:39
Speaker 1: see from you and it's very calm, very neutral, and
32:43
Speaker 1: you just identify and you say, and then because I
32:46
Speaker 1: see that behavior, my reaction is this way. So then
32:49
Speaker 1: you come up with a bit of a game plan.
32:50
Speaker 1: So next time this happens, because this is our default,
32:52
Speaker 1: we always switch back to this back and forth and
32:54
Speaker 1: it's always going to it always results in it kind
32:56
Speaker 1: of blowing up. We never get to the bottom of it,
32:58
Speaker 1: and then we wait for it to cool down, and
32:59
Speaker 1: then we act like it didn't happen kind of thing.
33:01
Speaker 1: So then you say, okay, well, next time this happens.
33:05
Speaker 1: You know, I'm seeking validation, You're seeking you know, you're
33:09
Speaker 1: trying to get your war up, you're feeling offended, you're
33:12
Speaker 1: feeling attacked, you want to get away. Okay, So next
33:16
Speaker 1: time we have this conflict, before things escalate, this is
33:20
Speaker 1: when we need to give each other a little bit
33:21
Speaker 1: of space. Okay. You need the space, as in you
33:26
Speaker 1: who you've written, the person who's just written to me.
33:29
Speaker 1: You need the space because even though you want validation
33:33
Speaker 1: in this moment, the last thing someone who needs validation
33:36
Speaker 1: needs is seeking validation and being rejected, seeking validation and
33:39
Speaker 1: being rejected, So you actually do need space. Even though
33:41
Speaker 1: you don't acknowledge it in the moment, because you're better
33:44
Speaker 1: off to just pull back and let them have their space.
33:47
Speaker 1: Then be rejected three times in a row and then
33:49
Speaker 1: it really get in your head and then you continue
33:51
Speaker 1: to seet that validation. So you need space for that reason.
33:54
Speaker 1: Your partner needs space because they are trying to deal
33:58
Speaker 1: with feeling like they were attacked and they need to
34:00
Speaker 1: process it without looking at it as an attack. So say,
34:03
Speaker 1: next time we come up with a conflict and we
34:06
Speaker 1: notice these behaviors crop up, let's say let's give each
34:08
Speaker 1: other five Let's give each other five and I want you,
34:12
Speaker 1: in those five minutes just to jot down three things
34:14
Speaker 1: that you think I'm trying to say to you, Like, really,
34:17
Speaker 1: what I'm trying to say, not what you've interpreted, because
34:20
Speaker 1: you know I love you, so it's got to come
34:21
Speaker 1: from a place of love, and I'm going to do
34:23
Speaker 1: the same thing. Then you start to soften it and
34:26
Speaker 1: you start to be like, Okay, this person, even if
34:29
Speaker 1: we haven't fixed the issue, I'm now not fighting. Then
34:33
Speaker 1: we are on the same team and we're just approaching
34:36
Speaker 1: things differently. You're going to start to realize that the
34:39
Speaker 1: more you work through it, the more you work through it.
34:41
Speaker 1: The more you work through it, you start to realize,
34:43
Speaker 1: I see where they come from, I see where their
34:44
Speaker 1: wounds are, I see why they react the way they react,
34:48
Speaker 1: and then they start to feel safer, safer, safer, safer,
34:52
Speaker 1: more and more supported, more and more supported, and then
34:54
Speaker 1: eventually they start to soften up and feel less attacked.
34:58
Speaker 1: You start to soften up and feel like, I don't
35:01
Speaker 1: need you to be giving me that the constant reassurance
35:04
Speaker 1: right now, because I understand where you're at right now.
35:08
Speaker 1: I understand that both of us need to feel comfortable
35:10
Speaker 1: in order to reassure each other. You know, the easiest
35:15
Speaker 1: is always when you've got like someone who's really securely attached,
35:18
Speaker 1: and then you kind of start to see this really
35:21
Speaker 1: secure behavior again and again and again, and you're like, oh,
35:23
Speaker 1: I can really relax now. This is just really healthy,
35:25
Speaker 1: normal behavior. So it's going to take a little bit
35:27
Speaker 1: longer when you've got one avoidant one anxious, but of
35:31
Speaker 1: course it's possible. But it comes down to having these conversations.
35:33
Speaker 1: You've got to be able to both have a calm,
35:37
Speaker 1: very like centered conversation and both if you know what
35:42
Speaker 1: the alarm bells are for when things escalate. And when
35:44
Speaker 1: things start to escalate, that's when you pull away and
35:46
Speaker 1: you think, Okay, I'm going to look at it from
35:47
Speaker 1: my partners perspective. What could these things mean? Okay, and
35:50
Speaker 1: then you can start to talk about it. Writing things
35:52
Speaker 1: down is huge. Writing things down for each other is
35:55
Speaker 1: also huge because then you're not spraying out shit to
35:58
Speaker 1: the other person that you You know that whether you're
36:00
Speaker 1: frustrating them or whether you're hurting them in your words. Okay,
36:03
Speaker 1: so give that a go. Also, your therapist might be
36:06
Speaker 1: a really good guide for this as well. But I
36:11
Speaker 1: don't know if you're doing that together or if it's
36:13
Speaker 1: just individual. I'm not sure, but hopefully that helped. And yes,
36:17
Speaker 1: if both people are willing to show up and make
36:19
Speaker 1: the change, and they're willing to be self aware and
36:21
Speaker 1: they're willing to like work through these difficult conversations, then yes,
36:24
Speaker 1: it's possible. It is possible to work through this together.
36:28
Speaker 1: And then ideally you always want to be working on
36:31
Speaker 1: your attachment style as an individual because it does come
36:34
Speaker 1: down to your relationship with yourself. But can you work
36:37
Speaker 1: on it as an individual while while being in a relationship.
36:40
Speaker 1: Yes you can, absolutely, guys, thank you so much for
36:43
Speaker 1: sending in your voice messages. I love love receiving the
36:47
Speaker 1: voice messages. We love hearing your beautiful the beans beautiful voices.
36:51
Speaker 1: And that is all for today's episode. As always, remember
36:54
Speaker 1: be kind to yourself, be kind to your brain, don't
36:56
Speaker 1: take shit from anyone, and especially don't take shit from yourself.
37:00
Speaker 7: Okay,