Latest / The Difficult Boss Podcast with Fexingo: Managing Up, Toxic Managers, and Workplace Survival / How to Handle a Boss Who Plays Favorites
Transcript
- Lucas: You know what I keep hearing from listeners lately? It's not the screaming boss, not the one who piles on work — it's the boss who plays favorites. The one who has a clear golden child, and you are not it. Luna: Yeah, that is quietly corrosive. I've been there. You show up, do solid work, and the boss barely nods in your direction while someone else gets the mentorship, the prime projects, the visibility. Lucas: Exactly. And I think the hardest part is, you can't always confront it directly. You can't walk in and say 'you play favorites' — that rarely ends well. So what do you do? Luna: I think there's a real case study from a few years back at a mid-sized marketing tech firm. I read about it in a Harvard Business Review piece. A woman named Priya was consistently passed over for the exciting campaigns while her colleague Alex got them all. Lucas: Right. And Priya's boss would say things like 'Alex is just more creative' or 'Alex has a better feel for the client.' But when you looked at the actual metrics, Priya's conversion rates were higher. She was delivering more revenue. Luna: So the favorite wasn't actually performing better. Yet the boss kept feeding him the best opportunities. That's the puzzle. Lucas: The psychology there is interesting. A lot of times, favoritism isn't about performance. It's about comfort. The manager picks someone who mirrors their own style, who laughs at their jokes, who never pushes back. It's an ego validation thing. Luna: So it's less about Alex being brilliant and more about Alex making the boss feel good? Lucas: In many cases, yes. And once you see that, it changes your strategy. You stop trying to outshine Alex on his terms and start playing a different game. Luna: What did Priya actually do? The HBR piece outlined a pretty specific three-step approach. Lucas: First, she started documenting her wins in a very visible way. Not bragging, but sending a weekly one-sentence email to her boss and her boss's boss: 'Closed X deal this week, here's the revenue impact.' Just a data point, no commentary. Luna: That makes the work visible without being confrontational. It creates a paper trail. Lucas: Exactly. Second, she started building alliances outside her boss's immediate circle. She volunteered for a cross-functional project with the product team and the data team. That gave her visibility with other leaders who could vouch for her. Luna: So she's expanding her network within the company. That's smart. If your boss won't champion you, find other champions. Lucas: Right. And the third step was the boldest. She scheduled a one-on-one with her boss — not to complain about Alex — but to ask a specific question: 'I want to grow into a role like the one you have someday. What skills do you think I'm missing, and what projects would help me build them?' Luna: That reframes the conversation. Instead of 'why don't you give me the cool stuff,' it's 'help me develop.' It's harder to dismiss. Lucas: And it puts the boss in a coaching mindset. If the boss is any good, they'll actually think about it. If they give a vague answer, you know where you stand. But in Priya's case, her boss paused and said, 'You know, you could use more experience with high-stakes client presentations.' And she said, 'Great, I'd love to co-present on the next big pitch.' Luna: And that worked? She got on the next pitch? Lucas: Not immediately. But the seed was planted. A few weeks later, when Alex was overloaded, the boss asked Priya to step in. She killed it. And from that point, the dynamic started shifting. Luna: I love that. But I have to push back a little. This assumes the boss is at least somewhat reasonable. What about the genuinely toxic boss who plays favorites as a control tactic? You know, the one who pits people against each other on purpose. Lucas: That's a real scenario, and the playbook is different. If the favoritism is part of a divide and conquer strategy, then no amount of documentation or networking will fix it. The boss doesn't want fairness — they want loyalty and chaos. Luna: So what do you do in that case? Leave? Lucas: Often, yes. But before you leave, you can still use step two — build alliances outside the team. Get a mentor in another department. Start building your reputation beyond that boss's reach. That helps you leave from a position of strength. Luna: And if you can't leave right away, there's also the option of having a direct conversation about your career path. But you frame it as, 'I want to contribute more. What would that look like?' Lucas: That's the thing — you never accuse. You keep the focus on your future. Because if the boss is playing favorites out of insecurity, they'll respond to a request for development more than a demand for fairness. Luna: I think there's also a power in knowing when to stop investing in a boss who won't invest in you. Some people stay for years hoping to get noticed, and it just doesn't happen. Lucas: Look, that's a really important point. And honestly, it's part of why we do this show. We hear from so many people who feel stuck in these dynamics and don't know where to turn. Luna: Yeah, and we try to give practical help every episode. Which reminds me — a quick thing. This show is ad-free, and the reason is that a small group of listeners chip in monthly through Buy Me a Coffee dot com slash fexingo. Lucas: It's true. That support literally funds the research, the production, the time we spend digging into these cases. So if you've gotten something useful out of an episode, that's how you can keep it going. No pressure, just good to know. Luna: And it keeps us independent. We don't have to tailor content to advertisers. We can talk about real workplace issues honestly. Lucas: Exactly. So, back to the favorite-playing boss. Let's talk about one more tactic that doesn't get enough attention: making yourself indispensable to the boss's boss. Luna: Oh, that's a good one. How do you do that without stepping on your boss's toes? Lucas: You do it through visibility. Volunteer for projects that have executive visibility. Present at all-hands meetings. Share your wins in company-wide channels. Your boss might not love it, but if you're careful not to undermine them, they can't openly object. Luna: And that shifts the power dynamic. Suddenly, the boss's favorite isn't the only one with a seat at the table. Lucas: Right. And here's a number that stuck with me: according to a 2024 survey from the workplace analytics firm Visier, employees who feel their manager plays favorites are 2.6 times more likely to leave within a year. That's huge. Luna: So it's not just a morale issue — it's a retention issue. Companies that tolerate favoritism lose talent. Lucas: Precisely. And the irony is, often the favorite isn't the highest performer. The boss is just more comfortable with them. So the company loses the real star players. Luna: I think the takeaway for anyone listening today is: if you're the non-favorite, stop trying to become the favorite. That game is rigged. Instead, expand your influence, document your value, and have a forward-looking conversation. Lucas: And if those steps don't change anything after a few months, that's data. The data says: this boss won't change. And then you have a decision to make. Luna: Which is a tough decision. But knowing you gave it a real shot makes it easier to leave without regret. Lucas: Exactly. Thanks for listening, everyone. We'll catch you next time.