Latest / Do You F*cking Mind? / 420. Outgrowing Friendship Patterns: Reality Checks and Emotional Shifts . (Headnoise)

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420. Outgrowing Friendship Patterns: Reality Checks and Emotional Shifts . (Headnoise) · Do You F*cking Mind?

0:15
Speaker 1: Hello, beautiful human beings and human beings, and welcome to
0:20
Speaker 1: the Head Noise episode of today. This is a voice
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Speaker 1: male head noise, so we'll be hearing your beautiful voices,
0:27
Speaker 1: which is one of my most probably one of my
0:29
Speaker 1: favorite things about the live show tour was actually like
0:32
Speaker 1: meeting you guys in person and hearing your voices and
0:34
Speaker 1: hearing your stories in person. So we get to do
0:38
Speaker 1: that today. I just did also want to say that
0:43
Speaker 1: for those of you that do write in, if you
0:45
Speaker 1: write in or send a voice message in and your
0:50
Speaker 1: question doesn't get played the week that you sent it in,
0:53
Speaker 1: it's not discarded. There are times that we go through
0:56
Speaker 1: and find voice messages or emails from six months ago
0:59
Speaker 1: or twelve month like, we put them all in folders,
1:01
Speaker 1: and depending on certain themes or topic, we might revisit
1:04
Speaker 1: older questions. So don't think, oh, if mine didn't get
1:06
Speaker 1: played this week or in the last two weeks, it's
1:09
Speaker 1: never going to be played. That's just not the case
1:10
Speaker 1: at all. We do revisit older questions for you know,
1:13
Speaker 1: different themes or different reasons or for whatever. So there
1:17
Speaker 1: are times that we pull up a question from months
1:19
Speaker 1: and months and months ago that is relevant to what
1:23
Speaker 1: we are talking about. Anyway. Life update. Life is great.
1:27
Speaker 1: As as you guys are listening to this, I would
1:31
Speaker 1: have already moved out of my home. Yes, everyone, Yes,
1:37
Speaker 1: I am fucking moving because the twins are like two
1:42
Speaker 1: and a half three months away. So Tyrone and I
1:46
Speaker 1: were kind of like, it got to a point whe
1:47
Speaker 1: where we kind of need to sort our shit out.
1:50
Speaker 1: We're so relaxed to the extent that we're like, we
1:52
Speaker 1: don't know where we're going to live. And the apartment
1:54
Speaker 1: that Tyrone and I live in is so small. We
1:57
Speaker 1: love it so much, it's like our pride and joy.
1:59
Speaker 1: We adore our apartment. We renovated it. It's just exactly
2:03
Speaker 1: how we want it. But it is way too small.
2:04
Speaker 1: And when we found out we were pregnant, we were like, oh,
2:07
Speaker 1: maybe for the first few months we can handle living
2:10
Speaker 1: here with the baby, and then we found out it
2:13
Speaker 1: was twins, Well like, not a fucking chance, not a
2:15
Speaker 1: fucking chance. We need to move purely for storage alone,
2:18
Speaker 1: like where do we keep the shit? Where do we
2:20
Speaker 1: put the bassinettes plural like where anyway, So, needless to say,
2:25
Speaker 1: we made the decision ages ago that we are absolutely moving.
2:28
Speaker 1: We have found a place and yeah, well the move
2:31
Speaker 1: would have been done by now, so by the time
2:33
Speaker 1: you listen to this episode, the move has been done.
2:35
Speaker 1: So I'm very excited and I would love to comment
2:38
Speaker 1: on what it's like, but I haven't yet moved. So yeah,
2:42
Speaker 1: stay tuned for that fun episode. Let's get into it.
2:46
Speaker 1: Let's listen to the verse. The first voice memos.
2:53
Speaker 2: My Alexis, my name is Madison. I love your podcast.
2:56
Speaker 2: I would love your advice and outlook on outgrowth in
3:00
Speaker 2: adult friendship. I recently made the very difficult decision to
3:04
Speaker 2: cut ties with my high school best friend of well
3:07
Speaker 2: over a decade, and I was supposed to be her
3:09
Speaker 2: maid of honor this year, which is so it's really
3:11
Speaker 2: really hard. My decision has come from basically having an epiphany.
3:17
Speaker 2: She's always presented herself so beautifully and empathetically, but I
3:20
Speaker 2: realized she's actually quite toxic, always playing the victim, guilt tripping, manipulation,
3:27
Speaker 2: and just been quite self centered and self focused and
3:31
Speaker 2: just a lot of drama following her life. Our catchups
3:34
Speaker 2: have usually always been one on one, so I guess
3:37
Speaker 2: I haven't noticed because there hasn't been room for any
3:39
Speaker 2: triangulation or anything like that. But recently I discovered from
3:45
Speaker 2: multiple people that she was speaking poorly about myself, my partner,
3:48
Speaker 2: my loved ones, my friends. She also came to my
3:51
Speaker 2: thirtieth birthday and spent most of the weekend pretty mia
3:55
Speaker 2: energetically negative, complaining, and spent a lot of time outside
4:00
Speaker 2: crying and not participating in making an effort with my
4:03
Speaker 2: loved ones or the one friend she did cling to.
4:06
Speaker 2: All weekend, she really traumadumped on her and monopolized her
4:09
Speaker 2: time just really grieving, feeling terrible, feeling like how could
4:15
Speaker 2: I have not known her true character for so long?
4:18
Speaker 2: And it's my oldest friends. So it's really hard, and
4:20
Speaker 2: I would love your advice. Thank you.
4:23
Speaker 1: Okay, So I feel like advice wise, there's I feel
4:28
Speaker 1: like you're doing the right thing. You've made a call,
4:31
Speaker 1: You've assessed someone's behavior and the development of their character
4:36
Speaker 1: since you've been in high school, and you're making a
4:39
Speaker 1: decision that's going to benefit well, hopefully her in the
4:41
Speaker 1: long term as well, because she'll learn from it, but
4:42
Speaker 1: it's definitely going to benefit you. You know. There's I
4:46
Speaker 1: think it's so hard when we've got one of those
4:49
Speaker 1: like long term friends, because not only are we battling
4:53
Speaker 1: with the fact it's like, oh, I've got to let
4:55
Speaker 1: go of a friendship, but there's also that nostalgia part
4:59
Speaker 1: of letting go off, you know, all these years of friendship.
5:04
Speaker 1: But to help you process this, I don't want you
5:07
Speaker 1: to act like as if I'm letting go off all
5:09
Speaker 1: those years of friendship. Those years happened and existed, and
5:13
Speaker 1: you can still hold them close to you. When you
5:16
Speaker 1: let go of for friendship, sometimes it feels like I've
5:19
Speaker 1: got to dismiss everything that happened. I've got it, like
5:21
Speaker 1: it's done. I've got to break up, you know. But
5:23
Speaker 1: the truth is that the past is the past, and
5:25
Speaker 1: you're never going to relive that anyway. Right the high
5:27
Speaker 1: school days, which are amazing in your twenties, all those
5:31
Speaker 1: times that were good, you're never going to revisit that.
5:33
Speaker 1: That's always going to be in your memory. And you
5:35
Speaker 1: don't want to look at this as like a negative
5:37
Speaker 1: severing of the friendship where it's going to be all horrible.
5:40
Speaker 1: It might be quite uncomfortable and difficult because you're not
5:43
Speaker 1: going to be the maid of honor and all these things,
5:45
Speaker 1: but you also have to look at it as we
5:48
Speaker 1: have gone our separate ways, We've evolved in different ways,
5:51
Speaker 1: and ultimately, while it's really hard to kind of sever
5:56
Speaker 1: that tie, it will be harder to stay in the
5:59
Speaker 1: relationship because if you can really acknowledge that it is
6:04
Speaker 1: she seems to have a problem with you, and you're
6:07
Speaker 1: not a contributing factor to that. Because as usual, I
6:10
Speaker 1: like people to really check their own behavior as well
6:14
Speaker 1: and make sure that you can do a bit of
6:15
Speaker 1: an inventory in your behavior, and if you can really
6:17
Speaker 1: be sure and say no, I haven't done anything malicious,
6:21
Speaker 1: I haven't spoken behind her back either. I haven't made
6:24
Speaker 1: her feel unloved or unworthy. I haven't abandoned her as
6:28
Speaker 1: a friend or rejected her that's made her lash out.
6:30
Speaker 1: She might be lashing out because you've got personal reasons
6:32
Speaker 1: and I'm kind of the punching bag. If you are
6:36
Speaker 1: sure of all those things, then I think it's perfectly
6:40
Speaker 1: fair to say that she's evolved in a different way.
6:43
Speaker 1: She's decided to take things out on me. There is
6:48
Speaker 1: the option that you can try and address this one
6:52
Speaker 1: final time with her, But also it's hard. I think
6:58
Speaker 1: it's hard to address certain things with a friend because
7:00
Speaker 1: There's a difference between a friend slacking off versus being malicious. Right, So,
7:06
Speaker 1: for example, if I found out that or not found out.
7:09
Speaker 1: But if I found that Live my best friend was
7:13
Speaker 1: just being slack or like with the friendship, never putting
7:17
Speaker 1: an effort, never, you know, really caring. Never. I would
7:21
Speaker 1: that's worth a conversation for sure. That is worth me saying, hey,
7:25
Speaker 1: things have changed. I've noticed the dynamic change. I love
7:28
Speaker 1: our friendship. I love this. Do you think that? Do you?
7:30
Speaker 1: Do you feel that same way? I'd want to know
7:31
Speaker 1: where she's coming from. I want to know are you
7:33
Speaker 1: going through something that I don't know about? Am I
7:35
Speaker 1: there enough for you? And this and that? But if
7:38
Speaker 1: Live was maliciously talking behind my back, sabotaging certain events,
7:42
Speaker 1: do it like actively acting out against me? I think
7:46
Speaker 1: that would be a very different conversation. Because she is
7:49
Speaker 1: an adult, right, so I have to interpret her behavior
7:52
Speaker 1: as an adult behavior, which is, you have chosen to
7:56
Speaker 1: do this. You have looked at your options, and this
7:58
Speaker 1: one seemed like the best one. Treating me this way
8:00
Speaker 1: seems like the best option for you, and I have
8:03
Speaker 1: to pay attention to that and act accordingly. So if
8:08
Speaker 1: I really thought that she was being malicious towards me.
8:11
Speaker 1: There's only so much that could be said. But a
8:14
Speaker 1: real friendship isn't one where you're lashing out to hurt
8:18
Speaker 1: the other person, to be malicious, to do all of that.
8:21
Speaker 1: That's not a real healthy friendship. So I think the
8:23
Speaker 1: decision that you've made is correct. You've decided to distance yourself,
8:26
Speaker 1: that you've decided to step away. I think all I
8:31
Speaker 1: think part of you is just questioning was it the
8:33
Speaker 1: right one? And I'm here to tell you that absolutely yes,
8:35
Speaker 1: it was the right one, because just like romantic relationships,
8:39
Speaker 1: you can't expect all friendships to evolve in the same direction.
8:45
Speaker 1: People are going to evolve in different directions and that's
8:49
Speaker 1: just the way it is. The only thing I would suggest,
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Speaker 1: which I've already suggested, is that you check you so
8:55
Speaker 1: you feel good about yourself, that you check Okay, was
8:57
Speaker 1: I ever? Did I ever abandon her? Did it ever?
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Speaker 1: Do these things? Because if that's the case, then that
9:01
Speaker 1: might be worth addressing. But if you can, if you
9:03
Speaker 1: can sleep easy at night being like, nah, I know
9:06
Speaker 1: I was a good friend, I didn't do any of that,
9:08
Speaker 1: then you're making the right decision and it's one thing
9:11
Speaker 1: that I will say to you is you need to
9:12
Speaker 1: allow yourself to grieve that friendship, because if you just
9:15
Speaker 1: ignore it and cut it off and whatever, then you're
9:17
Speaker 1: going to have a moment of weakness where you really
9:19
Speaker 1: miss her, and then you might go back to a
9:20
Speaker 1: friendship that might actually be quite unhealthy for you to
9:23
Speaker 1: return to. I think it's important to be allow yourself
9:27
Speaker 1: to be sad, allow yourself to grieve, allow yourself to
9:29
Speaker 1: acknowledge that you know this has come to the end
9:33
Speaker 1: of its path. But yeah, I feel like you've done
9:37
Speaker 1: the right thing. Next.
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Speaker 3: Hi, Alexis, I am a huge fan of yours. I've
9:45
Speaker 3: been listening to the podcast for around two years now.
9:48
Speaker 3: I read your book on Neuroscience for Self Love, and
9:51
Speaker 3: it's helped me grow so much. I went from working
9:54
Speaker 3: in a corporate job to studying and I haven't studied
9:57
Speaker 3: since I graduated school ten years ago, so it's been
9:59
Speaker 3: a very big challenge for me. But I'm enjoying it
10:01
Speaker 3: and I'm so glad that I listened to your podcast
10:03
Speaker 3: and it led me there. So thank you and congratulations
10:07
Speaker 3: on being pregnant with twins. It's so exciting. I've got
10:10
Speaker 3: a question a little bit more neuroscience y. So I've
10:15
Speaker 3: noticed that we watch a lot of reality TV these days,
10:18
Speaker 3: and there's a lot of villains and a lot of
10:20
Speaker 3: drama and things that happen, And I was just wondering,
10:24
Speaker 3: is this Are we drawn to this type of TV
10:27
Speaker 3: this day and age because of all the stimulation that
10:30
Speaker 3: we get from our devices and TikTok and Instagram and
10:35
Speaker 3: even other TV shows? Are we more drawn to this
10:39
Speaker 3: and that's why they're producing this type of television? Because
10:42
Speaker 3: I can't remember years ago ever being this toxic or
10:44
Speaker 3: feeling guilty to watch, or feeling like a negative kind
10:50
Speaker 3: of vibe and impacting people's lives after they on the show.
10:55
Speaker 3: So I was just wondering if that is something that
10:59
Speaker 3: is new and if it's bad for our brains essentially, So,
11:02
Speaker 3: is it bad for us to be watching these stimulating,
11:05
Speaker 3: dramatic interactions that are meant to be reality and what
11:10
Speaker 3: type of impact does that have on our brain?
11:13
Speaker 1: Awesome question? Awesome question. Okay, Look, as far as we're
11:18
Speaker 1: reality TV goes, I think we can all acknowledge that
11:21
Speaker 1: it's definitely gotten more and more popular and bigger for
11:25
Speaker 1: many reasons. Firstly, it seems to be one of the
11:30
Speaker 1: most addictive forms of television. Okay, especially if you look
11:33
Speaker 1: at network television, a lot of their shows are reality
11:38
Speaker 1: TV because they're cheaper to produce, much cheaper to produce,
11:43
Speaker 1: and it hooks the audience just the same or even
11:45
Speaker 1: more right, So social media also plays into that, and
11:49
Speaker 1: it comes down to I was doing a little bit
11:51
Speaker 1: because I listened to your question, so I was doing
11:53
Speaker 1: a quick little read up before answering this, and a
11:56
Speaker 1: lot of it comes down to this belief that it's
11:59
Speaker 1: real and there it feels like we can align with
12:03
Speaker 1: people who we think we know. When we're watching a movie,
12:06
Speaker 1: it's very much a storytelling kind of a fantasy, even
12:09
Speaker 1: if it's like it just there's that level of detachment
12:12
Speaker 1: when we watch you know, a you know, a scripted
12:15
Speaker 1: film versus the reality TV where it feels really raw.
12:19
Speaker 1: It feels like we're either seeing you know, when you
12:23
Speaker 1: see the reality side, like let's take social media, where
12:26
Speaker 1: you see the reality side of a celebrities real life,
12:29
Speaker 1: you're like, this allows me to see the real life
12:32
Speaker 1: of a celebrity, and when you see the reality TV
12:35
Speaker 1: side of everyday people, you're able to be like Oh
12:37
Speaker 1: my god, I'm buying into this drama so much more
12:39
Speaker 1: because this is real. I'm able to see this. But
12:41
Speaker 1: the problem is, there's many problems of white effects our
12:43
Speaker 1: mental health. One of them is that it's actually not
12:46
Speaker 1: reality TV. It's very very directed and edited in a
12:51
Speaker 1: certain way. It's very like storylines are pushed and whatever,
12:54
Speaker 1: as we all know. But it's still in our mind.
12:57
Speaker 1: We're still tricked to be like, no, but they still
12:59
Speaker 1: said that, They're still did that. It still feels so visceral,
13:01
Speaker 1: it feels so real. Also, we are more likely to
13:06
Speaker 1: watch shows that align with our deepest desires. Okay, so
13:11
Speaker 1: if your thing is all about status, you're more likely
13:16
Speaker 1: to watch something like the Kardashians. If your thing is
13:18
Speaker 1: all about physical appearance and dating, you're more likely to
13:21
Speaker 1: watch Too Hot to Handle, or like a dating show
13:24
Speaker 1: where they're all in bikinis. So it all comes down
13:28
Speaker 1: to what are our values and what do we align
13:30
Speaker 1: with and what are we going to consume the most
13:32
Speaker 1: that's going to feed into our ego of what makes
13:35
Speaker 1: us align with these characters. Is it bad for us? Yes,
13:39
Speaker 1: to an extent, it is because it is kind of addictive,
13:43
Speaker 1: can be very addictive for some people. I think in
13:47
Speaker 1: moderation everything is okay. Like, I don't think that watching
13:50
Speaker 1: a couple of episodes of a reality TV shoe is
13:52
Speaker 1: ultimately going to be detrimental. I think it becomes a
13:55
Speaker 1: problem if you feel like you are believing it too much.
14:00
Speaker 1: Like I see people get worked up about reality TV
14:05
Speaker 1: and hate on characters. You hear about people on reality
14:09
Speaker 1: TV series that receive genuine hate mail, like genuine threats,
14:14
Speaker 1: which blows my mind because I'm like, the people watching
14:17
Speaker 1: this are so consumed by this fallacy that they are
14:23
Speaker 1: compelled to actually go out of their way in their
14:25
Speaker 1: spare time to contact these individuals, Like it's just wild.
14:30
Speaker 1: So firstly, we need to realize the lack of reality
14:33
Speaker 1: in reality TV and also in social media. There's just
14:35
Speaker 1: such a disconnect of what is real and what is presented.
14:39
Speaker 1: The other thing we need to realize is how much
14:41
Speaker 1: of this content are we're consuming. Do we have a
14:43
Speaker 1: spread of the content that we're consuming. Are we mixing
14:46
Speaker 1: it between documentary, maybe a bit of fantasy, maybe a
14:48
Speaker 1: bit of reality, and that's our entertainment or is all
14:51
Speaker 1: our reality? This idea of watching people live their lives
14:55
Speaker 1: in drama, drama, drama, because you also don't want to
14:58
Speaker 1: be swept up in this kind of drama. And so
15:00
Speaker 1: another major problem is that it is extremely unintelligent content
15:05
Speaker 1: to consume. And if you're always consuming that kind of content,
15:09
Speaker 1: then you it's going to affect how your mind operates.
15:15
Speaker 1: So I'll give you a different example of this. People
15:17
Speaker 1: were there were groups of people. There was a study
15:20
Speaker 1: that was done ages ago, and there were groups of
15:22
Speaker 1: people that were made to do just a general knowledge test, okay,
15:27
Speaker 1: and prior to the general knowledge test, they were made
15:30
Speaker 1: to either consume news articles and documentary articles one group
15:37
Speaker 1: and then the other group was made to consume gossip magazines. Okay,
15:41
Speaker 1: so one of them's reading like educational content and the
15:44
Speaker 1: other group is just consuming gossip magazines. And then they're
15:48
Speaker 1: asked on their perceived intelligence and then they're made to
15:51
Speaker 1: do this general knowledge quiz. The people that had spent
15:54
Speaker 1: the time consuming the gossip magazines on average rated themselves
15:59
Speaker 1: with laura intelligence and went on to perform a lot
16:02
Speaker 1: lower in their scores, were a lot lower in the
16:04
Speaker 1: general knowledge quiz than those people that had just consumed
16:07
Speaker 1: educational content, kind of documentary style content or real life
16:11
Speaker 1: stories and things like that, and their perceived intelligence and
16:16
Speaker 1: their actual performed intelligence on this quiz. So while this
16:19
Speaker 1: is not reality TV, it gives you an insight into
16:23
Speaker 1: when we are consuming content that is dumbed down, and
16:26
Speaker 1: it is too much of that content, it is going
16:28
Speaker 1: to impact our perceived intelligence and therefore our performance of
16:32
Speaker 1: our intelligence on certain tasks. So I'm all for some
16:36
Speaker 1: guilty reality TV here and there, but make sure you
16:41
Speaker 1: are checking yourself and not believing any of that shit
16:44
Speaker 1: that you see. Like, I have friendships with people that
16:47
Speaker 1: are the quote unquote villains on Married at First Site,
16:51
Speaker 1: and the shit that I hear from their stories of
16:55
Speaker 1: how they were edited and how the producers fucked them
17:00
Speaker 1: over before going on the show, and how they were
17:03
Speaker 1: like tied up in contracts, Like it is laughable that
17:06
Speaker 1: they call that reality TV. It is the biggest joke
17:09
Speaker 1: in the world. And there's people out there believing it
17:11
Speaker 1: and sending them hate mail, and they're like, oh, like honestly,
17:14
Speaker 1: signing up for that show, it was just a fucking joke.
17:16
Speaker 1: So that's what you need to understand. I'm realizing it's
17:20
Speaker 1: not actually reality TV. It's just entertainment that I'm consuming,
17:23
Speaker 1: but it's not real. And also, am I getting a
17:25
Speaker 1: bit of a spread of where I'm getting my entertainment from,
17:28
Speaker 1: because it's going to affect my mental health a lot
17:29
Speaker 1: more if it's only from reality TV versus if I
17:33
Speaker 1: have this little Oh okay, I really enjoy the Kardashians, whatever,
17:36
Speaker 1: but I'm also watching this other stuff, so it gives
17:38
Speaker 1: me a spread off like where my head is at.
17:40
Speaker 1: So that would be my overall opinion. Next next question.
17:48
Speaker 2: Hi, Alexis.
17:49
Speaker 4: I've been listening since before COVID, and I just want
17:55
Speaker 4: to say thank you so much for all the work
17:57
Speaker 4: that you've done in your authentic approach and your consistent
18:02
Speaker 4: push for growth and really kind considerable ways. I am
18:09
Speaker 4: going through a divorce and I have been for the
18:13
Speaker 4: last eighteen months, and at first my friends were really excited,
18:19
Speaker 4: really proud of me, and then it got really hard.
18:22
Speaker 4: My husband started dating while we lived together. It was
18:30
Speaker 4: just a really painful time, and so I went backwards
18:32
Speaker 4: a little bit and I wanted him to stay and
18:35
Speaker 4: it was very emotionally taxing on my friends. And so
18:38
Speaker 4: I feel like I'm at this point now where I
18:40
Speaker 4: can't fully communicate what's going on. I'm at a better place.
18:43
Speaker 4: You know, he's moved out, he's still dating. But when
18:45
Speaker 4: people want to get to know what's going on, they
18:47
Speaker 4: don't fully want to know because they don't want to
18:49
Speaker 4: hold that emotional weight.
18:51
Speaker 2: So I love any insight.
18:53
Speaker 4: How do I update people and share what's going on
18:55
Speaker 4: in my life while also maintaining emotional boundaries on their end?
19:00
Speaker 4: And then how do I just get my friends to
19:03
Speaker 4: kind of let them know they don't need to fix me.
19:06
Speaker 4: I'm not looking for answers. It's just my life's hid
19:08
Speaker 4: right now and that's okay. I can handle it. You know,
19:10
Speaker 4: I'm a big growth all. Thank you so much, valuedd.
19:15
Speaker 1: Awesome question, Thank you for sending that through. So yeah, this, yeah,
19:20
Speaker 1: this is hard because everyone's got their own capacity of
19:25
Speaker 1: what they're able to take on from other people. One
19:30
Speaker 1: thing that's really difficult is when you're going through a really,
19:32
Speaker 1: really hard time, often you lose sight of the fact
19:36
Speaker 1: that your friends are also going through their thing as well.
19:39
Speaker 1: It might not be one major event like a divorce,
19:43
Speaker 1: but it could be other things that are quite difficult
19:45
Speaker 1: for them. That they're there for you. They're there for you,
19:47
Speaker 1: they're there for you, but it gets to a point
19:49
Speaker 1: where they sometimes feel a bit unseen. So and it's
19:54
Speaker 1: not to say you like, absolutely you need to be
19:57
Speaker 1: communicating what you're going through, because at the end of
19:59
Speaker 1: the day, if you are suffering, it's important that your
20:02
Speaker 1: friends know that, whether they can be therefore you or not,
20:04
Speaker 1: it's important that you are honest with where you are
20:06
Speaker 1: at mentally with your friends, and your friends will understand
20:10
Speaker 1: that even if they're like, Okay, I love you so much,
20:12
Speaker 1: I want to be there for you, but I've got
20:13
Speaker 1: less capacity to give right now. That's okay. And also
20:17
Speaker 1: I'm sure you seem to be understanding with that as well,
20:19
Speaker 1: which is really important. But one thing that I would
20:22
Speaker 1: ask myself is am I still able to hold like
20:28
Speaker 1: to listen to my friends when they are going through
20:31
Speaker 1: some struggles. Do my friends feel like they can talk
20:34
Speaker 1: about their struggles or maybe they feel like they can't
20:36
Speaker 1: because I'm struggling so much that they don't want to
20:38
Speaker 1: bring up anything that seems less of a struggle than
20:41
Speaker 1: what I'm going through. Things like that, like how often
20:44
Speaker 1: do I check in on my friends when it's just
20:48
Speaker 1: to check in on them? So look at you if
20:51
Speaker 1: you were to spread out all your interactions with your friends.
20:54
Speaker 1: Are you talking about what you're going through every interaction
20:58
Speaker 1: or are you updating them on the interactions? But then
21:01
Speaker 1: the next day you have an interaction where it's just
21:03
Speaker 1: about them and you're able to be like, hey, you know,
21:06
Speaker 1: you're always there for me so much, and it's you know,
21:08
Speaker 1: I really just want to check you on on you.
21:09
Speaker 1: How are things going with you? How did that job
21:10
Speaker 1: interview go? How did like you know, are you are
21:12
Speaker 1: you able to still celebrate their wins? Obviously, like you said,
21:15
Speaker 1: you are in a better place right now, which is
21:17
Speaker 1: very good. Obviously, if you're going through a catastrophic time,
21:21
Speaker 1: you're not going to have the capacity to even be
21:23
Speaker 1: that person for your friends, and friends do understand that.
21:26
Speaker 1: I think the issue is when it goes on and
21:29
Speaker 1: on and on and on and on and on and on,
21:31
Speaker 1: and then your friends are kind of like, we don't
21:33
Speaker 1: know how to help you. Every interaction we have is
21:36
Speaker 1: kind of talking about the same thing. We're trying to
21:38
Speaker 1: be there for you. But then you kind of get
21:40
Speaker 1: a bit of a stand still with certain friends and
21:41
Speaker 1: they don't they don't know how to be there for you,
21:43
Speaker 1: which is fair enough like there's only so much that
21:46
Speaker 1: a friend can provide for you without feeling like I
21:48
Speaker 1: don't have the answers and you don't seem to be
21:50
Speaker 1: getting better. Maybe you need to look at other support
21:53
Speaker 1: things around you as well. So I guess the main
21:57
Speaker 1: thing is keep them updated. Yes, try and have interactions
22:01
Speaker 1: with them, even if they're short lived where none of
22:04
Speaker 1: your situation comes up at all, just to check in
22:06
Speaker 1: on them. Also make sure that you're it's you're not
22:12
Speaker 1: just checking in on the for negative things, you're checking
22:14
Speaker 1: in on them for positive things. Ask yourself, what do
22:18
Speaker 1: I think has changed the most in the dynamics since
22:20
Speaker 1: I've gone through this, Because one of the things that's
22:22
Speaker 1: going to help you is don't just look at your friends.
22:25
Speaker 1: Don't look at getting support from your friends as or
22:28
Speaker 1: they're there for me to be to have a shoulder
22:31
Speaker 1: to cry on. A lot of the support that your
22:33
Speaker 1: friends provide you in your life is distraction from the
22:37
Speaker 1: current reality that you're going through, really really positive distraction,
22:41
Speaker 1: you know, like where you create a new memory together,
22:43
Speaker 1: where you do some fun things. If you're always just
22:45
Speaker 1: getting together and sitting down and talking talking, that's very healing.
22:50
Speaker 1: But that can't be all you do, because if that's
22:53
Speaker 1: all you do, then your friends are like, of, for
22:55
Speaker 1: fox sake, like we've not created any new memories together.
22:57
Speaker 1: There's nothing, and it's and they feel like like I
23:00
Speaker 1: look back at when I went through breakups, and I
23:01
Speaker 1: was a broken record, a fucking broken record. Love the
23:05
Speaker 1: people around me that we're there to listen to it
23:07
Speaker 1: a thousand times over. But that was the reality. And
23:10
Speaker 1: then what I realized where I would get, whereverone would win,
23:14
Speaker 1: is when we would do things together. We'd go to
23:16
Speaker 1: a trivia night, we would you know, go somewhere on
23:20
Speaker 1: an adventure for the day. We would you know, organize
23:22
Speaker 1: a day where we're going to do this so this activity,
23:24
Speaker 1: or we'll go rock climbing, or we go whatever. And
23:26
Speaker 1: then not only was that taking me out of this
23:29
Speaker 1: normal pattern that I'd fall into, of delving into my
23:32
Speaker 1: problems and putting me into this fun adventure, but it
23:35
Speaker 1: also was creating a new fun memory with my friends.
23:37
Speaker 1: So that way, you're evening out the energy that you
23:41
Speaker 1: bring to the friendship. Yes, you can still have your
23:43
Speaker 1: hard conversations, which is important, but you're also like, fuck it,
23:46
Speaker 1: let's go do this thing. This is this is what
23:48
Speaker 1: breakups are about. We're trying to bring in new experiences,
23:50
Speaker 1: we're trying to whatever. So your friends help you heal
23:54
Speaker 1: twofold one, because yes, they're there for the hard conversations,
23:56
Speaker 1: but also because they're the people that can provide these
23:59
Speaker 1: great experiences for you that pull you out of your pain.
24:03
Speaker 1: You need to have these experiences where you're not always
24:06
Speaker 1: thinking about your pain. So my recommendation is to obviously
24:10
Speaker 1: check in on them, but invite them to do these things.
24:13
Speaker 1: Invite them out being like guys, super random. But there's
24:17
Speaker 1: an escape room that I've booked us into. Let's all
24:20
Speaker 1: fucking go. This is gonna be a really fun time.
24:22
Speaker 1: Do shit like that. And I can guarantee you once
24:24
Speaker 1: your friends like they're like, oh my god, I see
24:26
Speaker 1: that spark back. Once there's balance again, it's got your
24:29
Speaker 1: you will feel a lot better and so will that.
24:32
Speaker 1: But honestly, good on you for pushing through, because that
24:36
Speaker 1: does not sound like a fucking fun time that you
24:37
Speaker 1: went through.
24:40
Speaker 4: Sense.
24:45
Speaker 1: Okay, last one.
24:48
Speaker 5: Hey you Alexis. My name is Nick, and I just
24:50
Speaker 5: thought i'd jump on here and just say huge congratulations
24:52
Speaker 5: on your twins and a huge thank you for helping
24:56
Speaker 5: me so much over the last year and a half
24:59
Speaker 5: my sister Reckon, and for me to start listening to you. Yeah,
25:02
Speaker 5: just over a year and a half ago, and I
25:05
Speaker 5: have not gone back. I've literally listened to every single
25:08
Speaker 5: episode and I'm coming to see you live in Melbourne,
25:11
Speaker 5: so I'm really excited about that. Anyway, I thought i'd
25:14
Speaker 5: quickly jump on here or so to ask a question
25:17
Speaker 5: because I'm a single mom. I'm twenty eight, been raising
25:19
Speaker 5: my child on my own for the last nine years,
25:22
Speaker 5: and I just keep attracting the same sort of men
25:25
Speaker 5: each year. I'm not trying to find someone to like
25:29
Speaker 5: save me or whatever, but I just want to experience
25:33
Speaker 5: what other people have experienced with a partner and having
25:37
Speaker 5: more kids and whatnot. I just want your advice on
25:44
Speaker 5: what sort of If it's me or if I just
25:47
Speaker 5: keep going for the same sort of men. I'm not sure,
25:50
Speaker 5: but yeah, it's just the cycle of the same stuff
25:57
Speaker 5: every single time, and I'm a little bit exhausted and
26:01
Speaker 5: I just want to find that long term I guess partner.
26:06
Speaker 5: If you could help me or give me advice, sorry,
26:09
Speaker 5: that'd be amazing.
26:10
Speaker 1: Thank you, Okay, thank you so much for sending that
26:16
Speaker 1: voice message in and hopefully I was able to meet
26:18
Speaker 1: you at the meet and great and Melbourne because Melbourne
26:19
Speaker 1: was a vibe. Now you haven't unfortune you haven't given
26:24
Speaker 1: me too many details too, which is totally fine. But
26:27
Speaker 1: when you say the same thing, it's obviously you are
26:30
Speaker 1: referring to something negative. Okay, I don't know if you're
26:34
Speaker 1: talking about. I don't know what behavior you're referring to
26:36
Speaker 1: because you didn't elaborate. But this could be cheating. It
26:40
Speaker 1: could be love bombing or narcissistic. It could be distant,
26:43
Speaker 1: it could be emotionally unavailable, it could be you're being played.
26:47
Speaker 1: I don't know what we're talking about, but obviously you're
26:49
Speaker 1: saying same. You said same several times. The beauty about
26:53
Speaker 1: that is that you can identify a pattern. You can
26:57
Speaker 1: identify a pattern of what you see to be attracted to.
27:02
Speaker 1: And it's not that we're attracted to being treated like shit.
27:06
Speaker 1: This is this is what I want to make clear.
27:07
Speaker 1: No one likes being treated like shit. But before the
27:11
Speaker 1: shit treatment comes in, there's a pattern of behaviors that
27:15
Speaker 1: these people display that then evolves into a negative experience
27:20
Speaker 1: within the relationship. Okay, so that might and so you've
27:23
Speaker 1: got to get really good at looking for these warning signs.
27:26
Speaker 1: You've got to ask yourself what energy am I putting out?
27:29
Speaker 1: Who am I accepting? And who am I entertaining for
27:32
Speaker 1: too long? Because you can't help who someone is on
27:36
Speaker 1: the first date, right that you have no control over,
27:39
Speaker 1: But you can control how well you can pick out
27:44
Speaker 1: the warning signs and the red flags, because the truth
27:47
Speaker 1: is that a lot of the time we do ignore
27:50
Speaker 1: them or we excuse certain behavior because this person that's
27:55
Speaker 1: appeared in our life seems to stick all the boxes. Okay,
27:58
Speaker 1: so how do you prepare yourself a bit better? And
28:03
Speaker 1: the next question you've got to ask yourself is what
28:06
Speaker 1: other kind of people am I not entertaining in the
28:09
Speaker 1: dating scene? And why. Let's say you have a type,
28:12
Speaker 1: and you've really got a type. I want charismatic, I
28:16
Speaker 1: want banter, I want whatever. Okay, you might then be
28:22
Speaker 1: dismissing some really good people. You might be blocking the
28:26
Speaker 1: right people from entering your life because you've got quite
28:28
Speaker 1: a strict criteria. Like for example, I remember I was
28:32
Speaker 1: talking to one of my really good friends and she says,
28:34
Speaker 1: I just can't date someone where there is no banter.
28:36
Speaker 1: I can't do it. And I said to her, I
28:39
Speaker 1: was like, but not to waste your time, but are
28:43
Speaker 1: you giving people the chance to build that banter relationship
28:46
Speaker 1: because I love banter too, but via text, Tyrone and
28:51
Speaker 1: I rarely banter, but in person we banter a lot.
28:55
Speaker 1: So I'm kind of like, if I was to judge
28:59
Speaker 1: Tyrone based on his ability to banter over text, I
29:03
Speaker 1: wouldn't be I wouldn't be with him right now, but
29:06
Speaker 1: I wouldn't have given it a big enough chance to
29:08
Speaker 1: evolve into a into a relationship where it's fine. I
29:11
Speaker 1: don't know. I think some people are like, I need
29:14
Speaker 1: to see this now. I need to see it right now.
29:17
Speaker 1: I'm not saying wait a year, and I'm not saying
29:19
Speaker 1: wait six months either or even three months. But I'm
29:22
Speaker 1: saying you might be blocking really good people who actually
29:26
Speaker 1: have the deep attributes that you want, but it's not
29:29
Speaker 1: available right now, and you're ignoring green flags left, right,
29:34
Speaker 1: and center, so you can focus on red flags because
29:36
Speaker 1: the red flag people have these like markers that you're
29:39
Speaker 1: looking for in a relationship. That's kind of wasting your
29:43
Speaker 1: time with certain people. Okay, So what is it that's
29:47
Speaker 1: the same that keeps cropping up, And what are the
29:49
Speaker 1: precursors to that behavior? Is it love bombing? Is it
29:54
Speaker 1: you know, super super super super charismatic that it's borderline narcissity? Charisma?
30:01
Speaker 3: Is it? Like?
30:02
Speaker 1: What is it? And only you can answer that because
30:04
Speaker 1: I'm not exactly sure which kind is the same that
30:06
Speaker 1: keeps cropping up? Is it emotional unavailability? And what is
30:10
Speaker 1: the precursor to it? Is it the confidence? Is it
30:14
Speaker 1: the charisma? Is it? How?
30:16
Speaker 4: Like?
30:16
Speaker 1: What are these pink flags? And the next time you
30:20
Speaker 1: see this come up and you're like, that's a pattern.
30:22
Speaker 1: I've seen this before. It's not saying you've got to
30:24
Speaker 1: completely dismiss them, but it's like, I'm prepped. I've seen
30:27
Speaker 1: this five times over. There's a likelihood that that behavior
30:31
Speaker 1: will equal this outcome down the line. Then what I
30:34
Speaker 1: would encourage you to do is go out of your
30:36
Speaker 1: way because you're dating right now. So obviously if you
30:38
Speaker 1: didn't like dating, it'd be different advice, But you are dating.
30:40
Speaker 1: You're putting yourself out there, So I would challenge you
30:43
Speaker 1: to go for slightly different type that you would go
30:46
Speaker 1: for normally. Okay, and it doesn't have to be someone
30:49
Speaker 1: that you're not attracted to. I think it's important that
30:51
Speaker 1: you are attracted to them. But for example, someone who
30:55
Speaker 1: might be more relaxed to the normal, or someone who
30:58
Speaker 1: might be more vulnerable the normal might wear their hard
31:01
Speaker 1: on their sleeve a bit more, might be a little
31:02
Speaker 1: bit whatever that is, because I think that where, especially
31:08
Speaker 1: when it comes to dating apps and the dating scene,
31:10
Speaker 1: you don't know someone's character through a profile. You don't.
31:13
Speaker 1: You are looking at their CV basically and looking at
31:18
Speaker 1: the potential for character in that CV. And that's where
31:22
Speaker 1: we all go wrong, or most of us go wrong,
31:25
Speaker 1: because this is where limerence comes in, because you are
31:28
Speaker 1: basing your feelings of potential. And if that's the case,
31:33
Speaker 1: then you should be dating absolutely everybody because everyone's got
31:36
Speaker 1: the potential right to be good. So you can't just
31:39
Speaker 1: look at these markers and say that's exactly what I want.
31:42
Speaker 1: If you are getting the same patterns, you need to
31:44
Speaker 1: change your strategy. And changing your strategy is going for
31:47
Speaker 1: a different personality type or a different kind of energy
31:50
Speaker 1: that the person brings and give them a chance, and again,
31:53
Speaker 1: not three months. It's not up to be forever, but
31:54
Speaker 1: give them a few dates as long as you're comfortable,
31:57
Speaker 1: as long as this person isn't like, oh my god,
32:00
Speaker 1: I'm in tears of boredom, then yet fine. But if
32:04
Speaker 1: you're like no, that was a good conversation. This person
32:07
Speaker 1: is like switched on. They are like, you've got a child, right,
32:11
Speaker 1: you need an emotionally available man or woman. I don't
32:14
Speaker 1: know who you're going for. I think man, if you're
32:17
Speaker 1: gonna if you want a date and you want them
32:19
Speaker 1: to be a player, like you're a single mother. You
32:22
Speaker 1: want them to play a role in your child's life.
32:23
Speaker 1: So you've got to think what are the key, key, key,
32:26
Speaker 1: most important things. And I'm telling you right now, before
32:28
Speaker 1: anything else, you want emotional availability, you want emotional maturity.
32:33
Speaker 1: Those are the two non negotiables that you are looking
32:36
Speaker 1: for in a man, especially if you want to have
32:38
Speaker 1: more kids. If you want a man to come into
32:40
Speaker 1: your life, to play a role in your child's life
32:42
Speaker 1: and have more kids, we're talking maturity, maturity, maturity. The
32:47
Speaker 1: banter could come later, the fun, charisma can come later.
32:50
Speaker 1: If you're looking at those things, you're looking at it
32:52
Speaker 1: all wrong. That is my advice. But again I don't
32:54
Speaker 1: have the details, So I hope that that was helpful.
32:56
Speaker 1: I hope that you could apply that advice to your
32:59
Speaker 1: currency question, but thank you anyway, Thank you so much,
33:02
Speaker 1: and hopefully that yeah, that's given you some insight, but
33:04
Speaker 1: just be better at looking out for those red flags.
33:06
Speaker 1: To crack it open to an inventory, figure out what's
33:09
Speaker 1: been a pattern, look at the patterns, and be really
33:13
Speaker 1: strict with yourself, be harsh with yourself, and see what
33:15
Speaker 1: you can pull out to the surface. Guys, thank you
33:18
Speaker 1: so much for listening to today's episode. That is all.
33:21
Speaker 1: Please send your voice messages. Go on to the website
33:24
Speaker 1: dearwifempod dot com and you can submit your voice message,
33:27
Speaker 1: or you can type your question and email it to
33:30
Speaker 1: info at dewifempod dot com. That is all for today, guys,
33:34
Speaker 1: love you so much. As always, please remember becund to yourself,
33:37
Speaker 1: becundt to your brain. Don't take shit from anyone, and
33:39
Speaker 1: especially don't take shit from yourself. Don't care dogger