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Who Moved The Elf And Why Did It Start World War III · Start Your Comeback: Rebuilding after Divorce, Empty Nest, and Loss of Spouse

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Is there a major life transition pinching you?
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_00: I know you may be asking, what's next?
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_00: What's my purpose?
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_00: What if?
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: Because I've asked those two.
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to the Start Your Comeback Podcast.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Tony Thrash, a certified life coach, and I want to share the tools and practical steps to help you create a winning game plan to move into your new adventure.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_00: Today I'm kicking off a brand new three-week series on a topic that gets, you know, well, let's just say spicy this time of year.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_00: I'm talking about blended families and the holidays.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_00: Let's just call it what it really is.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: It's basically the pressure cooker.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_00: Because if you're in a blended family, whether you're remarried or just co-parenting, maybe step-parenting, or navigating holiday schedules that look like a football playbook, you know that the holidays have a way of turning up the heat on everything.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_00: Those tiny emotions, they're now suddenly over the top.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_00: You have a small, quiet plan, and now all of a sudden it's just complicated.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_00: That one little comment, it suddenly becomes World War III.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I'm talking about.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_00: Because if you felt that pressure, then welcome to the chaos of parenting, which we've all done it and still in it, I believe.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: You're not the only one Googling how to survive Christmas with the blended family without losing your sanity.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_00: You're just a human trying to build something meaningful in a complicated situation.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_00: So let's talk about it.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_00: Here's the truth: everyone brings a story to the holidays.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: The kids bring their loyalty binds.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: Parents bring traditions from the past.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_00: Stepparents bring the desire to fit in without stepping on landmines, or they just jump in and step on landmines.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_00: And then there's that thing, the scheduling.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_00: Bless it.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: The holiday schedule alone can make a grown adult want to crawl under a Christmas tree and hide.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_00: When families blend, nobody's story disappears.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_00: You've got chapters from the past bumping into chapters from the present, and everyone's trying to figure out where they fit in.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_00: Then you add twinkle lights or high expectations, along with your own holiday guilt, the sugar, the noise, the travel, and your ex texting you at 10 p.m.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_00: about who has the elf this year.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: You know.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_00: Congratulations.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_00: You're in the middle of the pressure cooker right now.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_00: But here's the good news that pressure is not always bad, but it does reveal to us what needs attention.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: Just like a coach watching game film, you're not judging the player, you're studying the patterns so you can adjust the playbook.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_00: Let's talk about expectations.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_00: Blended families often enter the holidays with unspoken, unrealistic, or unshared expectations, and they bubble just underneath the surface.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_00: And when you add in that comment, then you know what happens.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_00: Because everybody assumes everybody else just knows.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_00: But honestly, nobody really just knows.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_00: That's just how emotional landmines get planted.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_00: Here are a few pressure cooker expectations I hear all the time.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_00: The kids will love how we do Christmas in this house.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: False.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_00: Everyone will blend naturally because it's Christmas.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_00: False.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_00: We'll alternate perfectly and nobody will get upset.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_00: Absolutely false.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_00: And the other house will magically cooperate this year.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_00: No, false.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_00: Now listen, I love hope.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: I'm all about it, but hope is not the same as a plan.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_00: So let's jump into some things that you can do to make it a little bit easier.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: You cannot keep your expectations in your head because if you do that, then they become disappointments in your heart.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_00: But if you speak those expectations, then you have a better chance of making an agreement.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: So this week, starting, I want you to shift from a silent pressure to shared clarity.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_00: I want you to communicate clearly, and I want you to allow your children to communicate.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_00: Then I want you to listen.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_00: Not just hear it, but actually listen to what is being said.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: And also probably what is not said because of fear.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_00: Every blended family needs a holiday huddle.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_00: It's not fancy, it's not complicated.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_00: It takes five to ten minutes max.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_00: Here's how it goes: each person shares three things.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_00: One thing they're excited about, one thing they're nervous about, and one tradition that matters to them.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: You're not trying to fix everything in the huddle.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_00: You're gathering intel, you're creating safety, and you're permitting everyone to be human.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes you learn exactly where and what the real pressure is.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: A kid might say, I'm scared mom will be sad when I leave.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: A step parent might say, I just want to feel included without overstepping.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_00: A co-parent might say, I'm exhausted already.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_00: And you might say, I'm trying to hold everyone together, and it feels like too much.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_00: And suddenly the pressure has a name.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_00: It has context.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: It becomes something you can work with instead of something that works against you.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_00: We know this is a time of compromising and possibly adding new traditions to your new family dynamic.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_00: Let me repeat that.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_00: Just one new tradition, not multiple.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_00: That's too much.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_00: Here's a rule I want you to write down.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_00: Put it on a sticky note, tattoo it on your hand.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_00: Do what you need to do.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_00: Because big emotions don't mean your blended family is failing.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_00: They just mean your blended family cares.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_00: They're in this caring mode.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_00: Think about it.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: People don't stress about things they don't care about.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_00: Kids act out because this matters to them.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_00: We as parents overthink because we want peace.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_00: Step parents worry because they want a connection.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_00: And you feel the pressure because you're trying to do right by everyone.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_00: Let's just normalize that.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_00: And because emotions rise, you yes, I'm talking to you, have a leadership role here.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_00: You're not a dictator.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_00: It's called leadership.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_00: So here's what I want you to do.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_00: I want you to respond, but don't react.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_00: Don't let them see.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_00: Have your poker face on.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_00: Because reactions are fast and fiery and usually fueled by last year's unresolved feelings or unresolved feelings from the fight you had with your ex yesterday.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_00: Ask me how I know.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_00: I can jump to a conclusion before you utter the first word.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_00: Responses are calm, grounded, and future focused.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_00: Instead of saying, why does this always have to be so difficult?
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe say, Hey, let's take this one step at a time.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_00: And please don't forecast doom and gloom before it ever even happens.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_00: Instead of asking, what's now when your ex text, just try, I'm gonna take a deep breath before replying.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_00: And you might want to make a phone call instead of texting.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to match the temperature in the room.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_00: You get to set it.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_00: Let's settle something.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_00: Communicating early is not about being controlling, but it's being responsible to try to make all of this as easy for your children as possible, especially during the holidays.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_00: Clarity will be so kind to you.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_00: So here's what communication or let me say over-communication looks like in real life.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_00: Hey, here's the schedule we're working with.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_00: Any conflicts we should know about?
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_00: Hey, I'm just confirming pickup time.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_00: We'd love to include grandma this year.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_00: Does that affect anything on your end?
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_00: Can we talk about gifts so no one doubles up or overshoots the budget?
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_00: Basically, what you're doing is you're coaching the flow of the season.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_00: You're setting it up for success.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_00: Because when coaches don't communicate, the game falls apart.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_00: And when families don't communicate, the holidays fall apart and you can't wait for them to be over.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_00: Simple as that.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_00: Just talk to each other.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_00: Even if you hate talking to them, do it anyway.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_00: Because let me tell you, it's about your kids.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_00: If you're in a blended family, here's a truth bomb you might not love.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_00: The holidays will not go perfectly.
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_00: Somebody could get sick, somebody will forget the schedule.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_00: One of us, a parent, will get their wires crossed.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_00: Some kid will melt down because the wrong person moved the elf on the shelf.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_00: But all you can do is control your response.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_00: What you can't control is what the other house does or doesn't do, the past, your old wounds, this is not the time, other adults' communication, how someone else parents, and how kids process loyalty or loss.
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_00: But here's what you can control the tone in your home, the pace that you set, the traditions you keep, the environment you cultivate, and the memories that you build on your watch.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_00: I want you to think about that last one.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_00: What memories do you want your kids to hang on to?
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_00: Because your influence matters more than you think.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_00: Kids may go back and forth across homes during the holidays, but the emotional temperature of your home that sticks.
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_00: And because it's the holidays, it is a bit harder to navigate the emotions and the fear of what the other house does to one up me.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_00: So stop.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_00: Before we wrap up today's episode, I want you to sit with a few questions.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_00: I want you to take these to your journal, your therapist, your spouse, or your steering wheel.
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_00: Whatever works.
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you do it in the shower.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know.
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_00: But there's five questions.
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_00: Number one, what story is each person in your blended family bringing into the holidays this year?
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_00: That's a big one.
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_00: Number two, what expectations have I assumed instead of communicated?
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_00: Three, where do I feel the most pressure and what's underneath it?
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_00: Number four, what emotional triggers do I need to prepare for?
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_00: And finally, five, what clear communication would help our season run smoother?
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_00: Be honest, be curious, but no self-shaming is allowed.
• 13:12
  SPEAKER_00: Let me leave you with this today.
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_00: If your blended family feels messy this season, you're in good company because love is messy, holidays are messy, and without question, people are messy.
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_00: Messy means we're human, but messy also means it's worth working on.
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_00: You're not failing, you're trying to lead your family, you're showing up, you're doing the best you can with a complicated playbook, and you're doing it with heart.
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_00: And let me tell you, friend, that counts.
• 13:48
  SPEAKER_00: Next week, we're talking about traditions, how to build new ones without competing with the ones from the other house.
• 13:55
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, it's possible, and yes, it can be beautiful, and yes, it can feel like coaching a team where half the players have different jerseys.
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_00: But trust me, you can build unity.
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_00: But until then, take a breath, communicate, because you're doing great.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_00: I'll see you next time.
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_00: Hey, thanks for listening.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_00: I don't take it for granted that you're here.
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_00: You didn't listen by mistake.
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_00: If you want to reach out, you can DM me on Instagram at Tony Thrash.
• 14:30
  SPEAKER_00: Until next week, remember there's still time left on the clock.
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_00: Let's get you off the bench to start your comeback.
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_00: I want to give a special shout out to Country Club for the original music.
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_00: You can find them on Instagram at Country Club.