Latest / Flail to the Face: A "Compatible with Mörk Borg" Actual Play Podcast / Season Two, Episode One - Welcome to HōL

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Season Two, Episode One - Welcome to HōL · Flail to the Face: A "Compatible with Mörk Borg" Actual Play Podcast

0:00
Greeting Scum and welcome to season 2 of Flail the Face.
0:03
My name is Kevin and I am here with some familiar faces and
0:07
some new faces. I have a face.
0:09
I have a face. I have a face too.
0:11
I happen to be one of the returning cast members.
0:14
This is Thomas Gino, Stummy monkey Moto on all the socials
0:17
and whatnot. Hi, I'm TomTom Gabino, Bag of
0:21
Rocks on the discord. I'm a new cast member for this
0:26
exciting new season of Flail to the Face and I cannot wait to
0:29
start. I'm Mr. Paschke.
0:31
I'm new here. I heard about the Come episode
0:33
and I wanted to be involved. God damn it.
0:37
And I thought we were going to try and scale back that.
0:40
No, no, no. That was how I.
0:44
Promised me here it was missing that Zing the special sauce,
0:49
yeah. With that being said, flail
0:52
flail. All right guys, Season 2 of
1:20
Flail of the Face. We have new faces here.
1:22
We're going to be doing something new and different with
1:24
it. Season 1 was mainly set in Burke
1:27
Borg in the Dying Lands. So we decided that season 2
1:30
we're going to expand and try to touch on as many of these hacks
1:34
that are out there as a possible and I thought the best way to do
1:38
it would be to base the show in a game that has nothing to do
1:41
with Merkborg. I am sending these guys to a
1:45
landfill trash planet called Hole Hole, a game that
1:51
originally came out in 1996 through.
1:55
It's a black dog factory. Dirt Merchant Games, It was the
1:59
subsidiary off of White Wolf. Black Dog took it over.
2:02
Anyways, whatever, the game is a fucking nightmare and I
2:05
absolutely love it so I'm sending my friends there right
2:08
now. Yay, thank.
2:09
You. You're welcome.
2:11
The book itself, just for the for the listeners, the book is
2:15
awesome. It's all handwritten, all hand
2:17
drawn, and it's looks like it's written by a fucking crazy
2:22
person. It's virtually unreadable.
2:24
Much like my handwriting. So where the fuck are we?
2:28
You guys are on hole? Human occupied landfill or his
2:32
other leg. Harmoniously orchestrated
2:35
lambada, Huge overfed leeches. Heinous old linguisa
2:39
hemorrhaging oral libido. Hey ow Lego, Hairy odious
2:44
leftovers. What is hole?
2:47
Well, you ever been to New Jersey?
2:49
Sorry Gambino. OK, now add some high technology
2:52
and make a planet out of it. Hole is the New Jersey of the
2:56
Confederation of Worlds, or cow. Fuck yeah.
2:59
Yes, far in the future the Galaxy is fully colonized and
3:03
sublet and the cow governing jointly with the church has
3:07
designated a small once green world to be the galactic trash
3:12
bin. And as it turns out, it happens
3:14
to be a pretty handy place to dump ship loads of raving,
3:17
murderous, psychopathic, genocidic, anti
3:21
establishmentalist whatever. I'm leaving it drooling psychos
3:25
bent on stuffing old ladies into wood chippers, as well as a good
3:29
number of access accountants. Hey, that's us.
3:32
No, you guys are not accountants.
3:34
Oh, OK, so do. We have a wood chipper.
3:37
I don't know, it's a landfill. You could probably find one.
3:39
Cool. Be like Fargo.
3:42
So you guys have been incarcerated on your respective
3:47
home planets and sent to the human occupied landfill.
3:50
You guys actually have been sentenced to work in the diaper
3:54
swamps. What are the diaper swamps you
3:56
ask? Well, there's a saying that you
3:58
may find beauty in anything if you look hard enough, but you
4:01
need a toe numbing few chugs of liquid plumber before you start
4:05
thinking a steaming field of misty burst mud mittens is kind
4:08
of pretty in its own little way. So fair warning, the diaper
4:11
swamp isn't for everybody. In fact, without the proper
4:15
vacation gear consisting of full enviro suit with self-contained
4:19
air supply and intravenous protein vaccination feed, you
4:23
may as well take a sip from a septic tank.
4:25
You guys being incarcerated here have been tasked to sift through
4:30
the diapers. Legend has it that years ago in
4:32
the Confederate High Court, a small child, one of the royal
4:35
Daughters genuine cubic zirconia cluster earrings was lost in the
4:40
diaper swamps. Your goal is to sift through all
4:43
the diapers looking for this cubic zirconia earring as you
4:50
guys are part of the work crew sifting through the diapers
4:53
looking for this earring. You guys have been around each
4:55
other for a while and you guys kind of know each other.
4:57
Why don't we introduce ourselves for the audience?
5:01
Yes I am Dalton Walls from the planet of Acumen 4.
5:06
There was a big misunderstanding that led to me being
5:09
incarcerated on this planet. They seem to think that I was
5:12
responsible for the death of million ish people or so, but I
5:18
tend to have a kind of like bad comb over and like with my
5:23
regular kind of like jumpsuit that they assign us when we get
5:27
stranded on this garbage planet. He still managed to have found a
5:31
tweed jacket with the elbow patches.
5:34
On it. It's very distinguished now.
5:37
Do you have a pipe as well? Do not have a pipe.
5:40
Well, you're in the right place to find one, I suppose.
5:43
I guess I'll go next. Hey, how you doing?
5:45
My name is Colette Stellano. If you're lucky, you get to call
5:49
me Letty. That's only if I allow you.
5:52
I'm from the G Spa planet and I am the best fence onset planet.
5:56
You will never find finer stolen goods other than through yours
6:02
truly. I'm on this planet, sicked him
6:05
through shit because one day I decided to get into the world of
6:09
the drug trade and deal went bad and I killed a guy and they
6:15
caught me and I didn't get far. So here I am, lucky me.
6:23
In here mostly to inform you all of the greatness that is the
6:27
mechanized llama in which I worship.
6:29
Now I know what you're thinking to yourself.
6:32
What on this planet or any planet could there be a
6:35
mechanized llama to worship? It is the one in true holy
6:38
being, the divine one that will guide you to salvation.
6:43
For the ones with the teeth will cut through the meat.
6:46
And the Mecca llama has no. Meat to be cut.
6:48
Through. That is why you must follow him.
6:51
His name's Donnie and he is already on my nerves, so that
6:58
means I'm doing it right. Yes.
7:00
Yeah, sure. Sounds good.
7:02
Yeah, so Donnie likes to, well, you'll find out very quickly
7:06
that he only eats raw living meats, so this will be fun given
7:12
we're in a diaper vast pile pool.
7:16
See the the thing that I was distracted the most about when
7:19
Kevin was describing this was the amount of coagulants they
7:22
put in diapers. Are these like commercial
7:24
diapers? Are these like fabric diapers?
7:26
As a father of a 2 year old, this this is in my brain.
7:29
I. I've always pitched it as kind
7:31
of a all of the above. Picture it correctly, it is an
7:34
all of the above and as you guys are sifting through the diapers,
7:38
there are huge portals spaced out throughout the whole diaper
7:42
swamp and throughout the whole planet itself, just dumping more
7:44
and more trash in this respective areas.
7:47
And every so often you'll see one of the apertures open and
7:50
just a deluge of diapers just dump off into the side.
7:55
And as they dump out, the guards that are watching you guys kind
7:58
of usher you towards the new pile, since the pile that you're
8:01
in has not been fruitful for the cubic zirconia earring.
8:05
Oh boy, it's snowing. What would you say is the ratio
8:09
of adult to small child diapers? It's all shit to me.
8:15
Pretty right down the middle, you know, I mean, I guess it, it
8:18
depends. Usually that's where shit comes
8:20
from. Right down the middle.
8:22
Got. That's a good one.
8:24
I secretly loathe and praise you at the same.
8:27
Time. I will take it.
8:30
You guys are a four man crew is the three of you and another one
8:34
that he's been with you every so often, but he's absent some days
8:37
and he's back. He's a little more beat up than
8:39
before by the name of Paul. So as you guys are sifting
8:43
through Paul's trying to make small talk with you guys like
8:45
what you guys? What's what's going on after
8:48
after shift? Are you guys just going back to
8:50
your buns? Are you going to going to catch
8:52
some food or something? What's what's what's going on?
8:54
I. Don't understand why you're
8:56
still talking to me. Well first of all, nothing is
8:59
happening until I get my succinct 6 showers after this
9:04
shift. I mean, come on.
9:05
I mean, we could shower anytime. I mean, do you guys want to hang
9:08
out? We could we could play cards.
9:10
I mean, I got it. I know Polly, Polly, Polly.
9:13
I know what spot we can go after.
9:15
We can that we can actually get some fucking hooch.
9:17
I wouldn't mind any, anything that is strong enough to fuck me
9:21
up, to arrange somewhat of the day to forget that I am laced
9:26
deep in human shit. Oh, it's not just human.
9:29
Look at that. Oh, thank you for reminding me,
9:32
Paul. You're such a St.
9:34
Yeah, I do what I can't. So there are dog diapers mixed
9:37
in with this as well? I was curious.
9:40
Yeah, that 100%. Paul, I would love to hang out
9:45
with you if you would like to just take a moment from you and
9:47
I to discuss the Mecca Llama. Mecca, hey, we're we'll have
9:51
plenty of time after shift the the guards are getting a little
9:54
antsy, but you know, let's let's get through this.
9:56
It's, you know, it's the middle of the day, the sun's beating
9:59
down. We're neck deep and shit right
10:01
now so. So if we drink with you, you're
10:04
going to stay and listen to the Donnies feel.
10:08
Of course I'm going to listen. I mean, you guys are my friends.
10:11
I mean, I know I haven't been around for a lot.
10:13
I mean, I've been. I'm in.
10:15
OK, Perfect, perfect. You said you got hooped, right?
10:18
I know a guy, I know a guy, I know a spot.
10:21
We can go after this, I swear. Well, listen.
10:23
Well, you listen. I know a guy who knows a guy
10:25
too. I got, I got a stash too.
10:27
If we're going in on this, I'll do some too.
10:31
This is a, it's a, it's a stand up place, especially for a shit
10:34
hole like this, if you know what I mean.
10:36
I feel like any place would be better than right.
10:39
As you guys finished saying that, one of the guards takes
10:41
the Electro prods and just jabs Paul right in the back.
10:44
Hey guys, it's sorry. It's sorry.
10:48
What the fuck is? Dude, to work.
10:50
Come on, we got to we got to find the earring.
10:53
I don't like being here any more than you guys do.
10:56
The truth be told, I kind of like you guys.
10:58
That guy's annoying as fuck, I swear.
11:00
Anyway, either way, either way, let's let's do this.
11:02
I don't want to be here. I got shit.
11:04
I got to do too. Let's, let's, let's move it
11:07
along. Let's.
11:07
Move it along. Can can you stop saying shit?
11:10
Get enough of it today. I go to hell, pick up Paul.
11:13
Thank you. Thank you very much.
11:15
I appreciate it. Come on, I got you.
11:17
Hang on. You're covered in shit.
11:19
Well, there's not much you could do about that, but.
11:21
So day goes by, sun's beaten down, the your vision is
11:24
completely obscured by the vapor trails coming up off the pile of
11:28
diapers that it just keeps. Dumping.
11:30
I never knew hell would be so smelly.
11:34
So as you guys are sifting through the diapers, throwing
11:36
the adult diapers in the one side, you got the half
11:39
disintegrated children's diapers and various other undergarment
11:44
collections thrown around Dalton, you feel a tap on the
11:47
back of your leg. We.
11:48
Brush it away. You feel a tap again.
11:51
What? Hey, Dalton.
11:53
Hey, Dalton, it's me, Eddie. What do you want?
11:57
Have you have you seen Henry? Sure.
12:01
You went over that way, OK. As the rest of you guys look,
12:04
you see what appears to be about a 2 1/2 foot mound of what could
12:10
be only described as fleshy tumors.
12:12
I have been here too long. A pile of shit has grown arms
12:15
and legs. It's not shit, it's probably
12:19
something just as bad though. It's just one of the Saga
12:22
diapers, you know, the ones that wasn't shat in but just filled
12:25
up on all of the liquid that collected inside of it and
12:28
coagulated. No.
12:30
No, no, no. You guys got it all wrong.
12:32
My name is Eddie. I'm the boy I was.
12:35
It's a long story. Henry will have to tell you
12:37
about it when we see him. I just gotta.
12:39
Find him. It's a real complicated Biox
12:42
story. Indeed.
12:43
So you said he was over there? Yeah, I just kind of like
12:46
sweeping motion that doesn't even really point in any
12:49
direction. OK.
12:51
Move that way somewhere. Guess I'll guess I'll go find
12:54
him. OK, we'll go find Henry.
12:56
Thanks. Thanks to Alden.
12:57
I'll remember this. I'm just staring at this thing
13:00
wondering how this thing came into being.
13:03
I can assure you it was a rather horrific birth.
13:08
You do realize 2 beings of equal disgust fucked to have that
13:14
thing? No, no, it literally spawned out
13:18
of somebody's goiter. Oh, Oh my God.
13:22
Yeah, so think of it like. I don't want to No, no, no.
13:26
La La La La La La la. How animal would you say that
13:35
is? It's not.
13:39
Heard that before. Definitely not, unless you like
13:43
chewing on tumors. I'll pass this time.
13:49
Best choice? So the day goes on.
13:51
You guys are sifting and sifting.
13:53
It's it's hot, it stinks. The guards are pressuring you
13:56
guys to hurry up and keep going with what you're doing.
13:59
And eventually, a huge horn echoes throughout the the diaper
14:03
swamp. And it's like midday.
14:05
You're at the end of the day now.
14:06
Oh. Cool.
14:07
Awesome. So basically it's quitting time.
14:09
The guards link you guys back up, chain gang style, leads you
14:13
back to your barracks. Dalton, Collette, Donnie and
14:16
Paul, they unchain you. They're like.
14:18
You know the drill. Go wash up.
14:20
Go do what you're going to do. Lights out a pen.
14:23
I find the highest pressure hose and just begin to just spray
14:29
myself and I don't care if I break off layers of my own skin,
14:34
I just need to get clean. I imagine like these barracks
14:38
and stuff have external chemical shower thing, so it's just like
14:41
walking over and then just pulling the lever and just stand
14:44
in there while I contemplate the life events that brought me to
14:49
this place. I think like it's in a line, so
14:53
I go through it once and then I go back in line and come in to
14:56
take another one and I do that four more times.
14:59
So it's kind of like a car wash. You guys get in there, single
15:02
file, you stand there, you go on the conveyor, it dumps you with
15:05
whatever soap product smacks you around with the little brushes,
15:09
and it hoses you clean and then you're off to do your thing.
15:13
I feel like one of those ducklings in one of those Dawn
15:16
commercials. Don't worry, the smell still
15:18
lingers. Oh, I know.
15:20
I like it when it gets into the nooks and crannies.
15:23
Well, it is good that you identify as a Thomas English
15:27
muffin. I'm just saying that that
15:28
high-powered pressure gets right under the arm pants.
15:33
Actually, that is a good I I didn't know what no, that that
15:36
does feel good. So after you guys wash up and
15:39
get into your, I guess your sippies or whatever, you meet up
15:42
with Paul, you know, he's already dressed and ready to go.
15:44
He's like, what? You guys, you guys ready you
15:46
guys, let's go get it. Let's go get a drink.
15:48
I reach into my jumpsuit and I proceed to pull out 2 bottles of
15:54
G spot planet wine and goes you want white or red?
15:57
Oh, mix it. Let's go pink.
15:59
Let's go. Yeah, let's go.
16:00
Let's go pink. Let's do this.
16:01
Let's do this. Hey, no, how about hang on to
16:04
that. I know, I know the I know a guy
16:06
drinks around me tonight. Let's go follow me.
16:09
We're going to we're going over the church and munch.
16:12
So the church and munch is basically a culmination of the
16:16
fast food industry and the church in this world on hold
16:21
themselves. They have little satellite
16:23
restaurants, which is basically going to be your mess hall.
16:26
So as Paul leads you past the mess hall, down a hallway to
16:30
what appears to be a broom closet.
16:33
Oh OK, is this swanky? Yeah, no, no.
16:36
This is going to be great. Check this out.
16:37
He opens up the broom closet, pushes the mop bucket off to the
16:40
side, slides off one of the shelving to what appears to be a
16:44
trap door. Opens up the trap door and you
16:47
see flashing lights and thumping bass.
16:50
Nice. Paul, what the fuck?
16:57
Hey. Paul.
16:58
Look at this guy. Yeah, this guy.
17:01
Yeah, yeah. Go on, go on.
17:02
Go down. Go down there.
17:03
I'm gonna keep an eye out. We can't let the guards see that
17:05
what we're doing. All right, Yeah, I follow, I go.
17:08
I would walk past Paul and still give them that slow teacher
17:13
stare. Turn in my homework.
17:16
What the hell is this about? And then walk down.
17:18
What about you, Donnie? You going?
17:20
Yeah, I suppose I'll go in. All right, so as you guys
17:25
descend down the ladder, you go into what basically looks like
17:29
an underground club, like a Speakeasy, but it's like a
17:33
booming bass bouncing off the walls, lights flashing
17:36
everywhere, and you see a sign over the bar that says the Wet
17:39
Knuckle. Oh hey guys, a priest, a
17:44
teacher, and a fence walking to a bar.
17:47
I think I heard this one. Come on, let's go talk to the.
17:49
End. But well, I guess we'll find out
17:53
and I going. If you see Paul kind of rush up
17:59
to the bar before you guys get here and he ushers the bartender
18:02
over and starts talking quietly in his ear, I.
18:06
You know what? I saddle up next to Paul and I
18:11
try to overhear what is going on.
18:15
Actually, you know what? I have a skill.
18:18
Oh it's damn dude, who dat? OK.
18:20
Since I am in a new place and I am looking to like makes new
18:25
people like. Hey, Paul.
18:27
Hey. Hey, Paul.
18:28
What was this guy? He got a new friend.
18:30
Hey, new friend. What's your name?
18:31
I'm Colette. Well, hello, Colette.
18:33
What are what are we talking about over here?
18:36
Oh, don't you? Don't you worry yourself on
18:38
that. Name's Jack.
18:41
Jack Hoff. Nice to meet you.
18:45
Very nice to meet you too. Are you going to try and seduce
18:49
this man or are you going to allow us to get drinks from him?
18:53
You're talking to me. Yes.
18:56
No, I'm not trying to do it. I just noticed that my friend
18:59
Paul here is being very secretive and buddy buddy like
19:02
what's what's what's all the secrets, bud?
19:05
Oh no, no, no, no, no secrets, no secrets.
19:08
I was just telling him that I brought my friends down and
19:10
that, that, that that drinks are on me tonight.
19:12
So everybody, you know, he's, I just was letting him know.
19:16
So in case you guys were wanting to, you know, get some more
19:19
cocktails, if I just had to go throw a piss or something, you
19:21
know that you guys were good. You guys are covered under me.
19:26
I was promised hooch. I.
19:29
See nothing that even resembles a glass in front of me.
19:34
With that being said, Jack pulls up what appears to be a small
19:38
gas can with the spout, lines up a couple different various
19:43
glasses because it is a landfill for God's sake, you don't get
19:45
the fine wares and starts popping off all the glasses and
19:49
puts them in front of you guys. Chateau de Petrol.
19:52
Yeah, yeah. It's, it's, it's a, it's my own
19:54
plan. I can drink up, drink up, drink
19:57
up. Can I roll something to deduce
20:00
this wine? Go ahead and make a Gray matter
20:03
check, DR12. Oh great, my Gray matter is a -,
20:07
2 that's a three. Oh, it smells God awful.
20:14
It burns the eyes, but you know that you've drank worse.
20:17
Just like home, Just like home. And you see that Paul's got his
20:22
in hand. He's like, hey, hey, cheers for
20:24
the shit farmers out there. Come on, guys, let's let's bring
20:27
it in. Let's bring it in.
20:28
I I cheers Paul, but I wait for him to drink his glass first.
20:32
Yeah. OK.
20:34
And as he says that, he shoots it right back.
20:37
I did see him. Shiver a little bit.
20:40
All right, all right. I shoot mine.
20:44
Yeah, I follow suit. I have a heavy sip but I do not
20:48
shoot the whole thing. All right, everybody go ahead
20:51
and make a nuts test. We are 12.
20:55
Sweet, I have a two to nuts. I got a 18.
20:58
Beautiful. Oh, I got a 21.
21:02
Beautiful. Very, very.
21:04
Nice. This tastes like pure gasoline.
21:08
It is. It is basically just gasoline
21:10
with a maraschino cherry juice in it.
21:14
I got my antsy running. Around.
21:15
Yeah. See, this is good, right, guys,
21:17
we're having fun. Music's playing, people are
21:19
dancing. Come on, let's do another round.
21:21
Let's go. Let's go.
21:22
We come on there. It's the Let's go.
21:28
What you what you consider good is low grade at best.
21:33
Hey, when you've been on this shithole, as long as I have
21:36
anything that'll knock your knock your feet in the third, if
21:38
you know what I mean, is it's it's a welcome blessing.
21:42
You know what that with that sentiment, Paul, I will agree
21:46
with you. I will gladly have another shot.
21:49
All right, before you get a chance to finish that, Jack is
21:52
lining up another round for everybody and he takes one with
21:55
you. All right, here we go.
21:58
All right, go ahead and roll a nuts test, DR12.
22:02
Nuts test. Okay, ooh, that's an 18. 12 on
22:07
the dot. Okay. 16.
22:10
All right, Dalton, you're feeling kind of woozy, but
22:13
you're still holding it in Colette and Donnie.
22:15
You guys are. You guys are feeling right as
22:17
rain right now. You got that head change.
22:19
You're feeling good. You're feeling like you want to
22:21
go and dance and sing. There's karaoke off in the
22:24
background. I don't know what the hell
22:25
they're singing. You know, Colette, if you were
22:29
like 30 years younger, you might almost look OK right now.
22:36
You know what, big guy? I will take that as a compliment
22:40
because that seems like the full extent that I of what I can call
22:44
a compliment coming from you. Oh wow, that oh, that's potent.
22:51
That's got Jack looks over. That smells like old crawdad.
22:55
Oh God. You snacking during our shit?
22:59
You your alcohol tastes like shame and bad decisions.
23:05
Yeah, with that, let's do double s.
23:07
And he pours a double shot for everybody.
23:10
Paul takes his and he shoots it right back.
23:12
Jack takes his before you guys even start and he shoots his
23:16
right. Back.
23:17
I'm not going to be outdone by these buffoons and just.
23:22
Can I, can I pretend to shoot my shot, you know, like do one of
23:27
these or I was like. Sure, go ahead and make a mouth
23:31
test, DR14. The six, I tried to put it back,
23:37
but I accidentally put the whole thing like like I was like, oh.
23:42
You had to cup the bottom of the cup.
23:44
Yeah, I have my experience in cupping.
23:47
Donnie, you take yours. Donnie will hold it and then
23:52
start to look at everyone you know.
23:54
Now might be the appropriate time for me to regale you of the
23:59
great Mecca Llama. Who?
24:00
I take his shot too and drink it.
24:05
All right. Without the rock punch.
24:08
Oh God. As you take his shot, Jack pours
24:12
Donnie another one and Dalton go ahead and make a a nut, says
24:15
DR14. I got a 12.
24:20
OK, Colette, go ahead and make a nut, says DR12.
24:24
Let's go, Colette. Come on.
24:26
You know what? No.
24:26
I'm going to use another die for this one.
24:28
Let's go lucky metal die. Fuck, that is A7.
24:33
All right, so as Dalton takes that double shot and Colette
24:37
tries to sneak hers away, but it ends up right down the gullet,
24:41
the both of you, your vision gets tunneled, it gets angled,
24:46
and the world starts spinning like mad, and the both of you
24:51
collapse on the bar. That's Amore.
24:55
And they're looking at you, Donnie.
24:56
You see, the lasers would come from the llamas eyes and they
25:02
would burn its enemies as the fires would consume them.
25:07
The llama would cry out. Yeah.
25:09
So he just tries to go on as long as he can without drinking
25:12
that Because I think, I think I've at least figured out their
25:15
game here. As you are going on with the
25:19
Mecca Llama speech, Jack takes both of the glasses from in
25:22
front of Dalton and Colette, fills them up again, sets them
25:26
up in front of you, and they continue shooting them.
25:30
Come on, come on, get in there. Tell me more about this Mecca
25:34
Llama. But we got to get shitty about
25:35
it. The shittiness of the Mecca
25:39
Llama, nervously trying not to drink it and to just.
25:44
And as you're stalling, you see Paul taking your hand and just
25:49
pushing it up to your lips. Come on.
25:51
Come on. Shoot this.
25:52
Shit, one, one more couldn't hurt.
25:57
Yeah. No, no.
25:58
No, no, no, no. Bottoms up, bottoms up.
26:00
Let's see the bottom of that glass.
26:02
Can I try to do the the the sneaky not shoot?
26:06
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, go ahead to mouth test. 8
26:10
CR 12 plus or 17. OK, so as Paul is pushing it up
26:16
towards you, you kind of make it fake, like you twitched and it
26:20
poured down your shoulder. Oh, come on, come on.
26:23
We don't abuse alcohol. You know how hard it is to get
26:25
that shit in here? We had to steal it from the
26:27
fucking the mechanics over there.
26:28
I mean, the refinery. No, it's it's gasoline with the
26:32
maraschino cherry in it, but still.
26:34
I mean. We figured that part out.
26:36
Yes, that was already noted. And without even missing a beat,
26:41
Jack fills up another 3 glasses. Paul shoots 1, Jack shoots 1,
26:46
and they both push it in front of you.
26:47
Come on, let's go. Are you?
26:49
Extras on the lighthouse. I'm not exactly sure what that
26:54
means, but maybe? I'm not getting any residuals
26:57
from it though, so that sucks. All right, so I guess I'm going
27:00
to shoot again. It's this inevitable?
27:03
Roll for peer pressure. Yeah.
27:05
Nat 14, Nat 20, this, it's almost like you just got like a
27:11
second win. You just, you were just amped.
27:13
The llama has chosen me to tell you more about it's bullshit
27:17
that I did not think of in advance.
27:20
Allow me to make some things up as you are clearly more drunk
27:24
than I am. Did you know that alpacas are
27:27
the evilest of creatures as they try to imitate the llama and
27:31
they are the false quadrupedal furry long necked creature?
27:37
This is amazing. I'll be right back.
27:39
And you see Paul kind of walk off as you and Jack are having
27:43
this conversation. Really the alpacas.
27:45
The alpacas have always been as far as I've seen.
27:48
You don't see many up here. I mean a lot of the furs, but I
27:52
really don't know where they came from.
27:53
But either way, the alpacas really here, here let's you know
27:57
what? You know what?
27:59
Let me pull out some of the fine reserve and you see that he
28:01
pulls out a smaller gas can and he starts pouring drinks for the
28:07
both of you. And he actually puts the
28:08
maraschino cherry in it. It's like this is now this is
28:11
this is real smooth. This is, this is the good stuff.
28:13
I I give Paul the garbage because that guy is, let's just
28:18
say that guy's fucking annoying. Yeah, he's kind of a douchebag.
28:21
People agreed on that. I.
28:22
Heard that, but that's OK. All right, I try it.
28:26
All right, let's test the R14. All right, I rolled a 13.
28:31
I mean, that's a 0, so that is. OK, so as you shoot it back,
28:35
same thing happens to you. Your vision gets tunneled, your
28:39
vision gets angled and everything starts to spin.
28:42
And as you are about ready to lose consciousness and just slam
28:46
your head against the wall, you see Jack point off it at ball.
28:51
They're ready. Oh boy.
28:53
And we're going to go to break. Come one, come all, join us as
29:14
we dive into the dying world of Mork Board and the Board
29:19
universe. Whispers of the Dying Lands is a
29:21
podcast with 1 mission to spread the word of Necrobel as third
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party content creators share the prophecies of Verhu I.
29:32
Your host Olasco's teams up with everyone's favorite they would
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scum, Iron Tusk, Tevin. From Flail to the Face.
29:39
We sit down with content creators to help promote and try
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to give maximum exposure and efforts to support their
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crowdfunding campaigns. Welcome back to Flail of the
30:02
Face. These guys are ass out drunk
30:06
right now and they are being drug by their feet across the
30:11
dance floor into a backroom where Paul has opened up a hatch
30:16
in the floor and Jack and Paul are throwing these guys down
30:20
what appears to be a shaft. It drops you for probably a
30:24
good, I don't know, it feels like it would feel like forever
30:27
until you guys hit the bottom with a huge banging thud.
30:32
Oh man, I like, like, do I wake up once I hit the ground?
30:36
Actually, everybody go ahead and make me a nuts test to see if
30:40
you all wake up all right, DR12. All right, my nuts.
30:45
Is that is a 17. All right, OK, my nuts is a 2O.
30:49
That's a 13. Perfect.
30:51
Four. So as the both of you guys hit,
30:55
you wake up, your heads killing you, still little groggy from
30:59
the gasoline, and then Donnie falls.
31:02
Where's my? Pet.
31:03
Oh my freaking head. Like I just like stretch out my
31:11
body and I am just like shaking the cobwebs off.
31:16
I look at my my pals and I'm like, you know what?
31:20
You know what that professor, the second we get out of here,
31:23
how about you and me could pause.
31:25
Fucking ass. I I completely concur with that.
31:30
Good. Let's make sure Donnie's just
31:32
out and not. Oh shit, Donnie.
31:34
Worse, worse then I'm going to go over and like.
31:38
Check him. Shake him.
31:40
I get him. I, I, I get him up to like
31:42
Donnie. Donnie, come on mate.
31:45
And with all that, Donnie does in fact make up.
31:48
The last oil change. He's good.
31:54
The last The last drink was delightful.
31:57
He has some reserved tank that he mixed with the gasoline.
32:01
It may have even been laid it. I'm glad you had a good time.
32:07
Oh it was awful, but better than the first one.
32:10
Yeah, well, now it looks like we got us a new fresh hell that
32:15
we're in. As you guys finish saying that,
32:18
you can see the light go out as they close the Hatch and it is
32:21
pitch black in here except for what appears to be some light
32:25
coming from a doorway just ahead of you, probably 15 feet and.
32:29
It's just like there's not like there's no human shape through
32:32
the door. It's just an.
32:33
Open door. It's just it's just a closed
32:35
door with the light. Barely.
32:36
Beaming through the bottom all right.
32:38
I hate to say it, but it's probably the only door here, so
32:43
we're going to have to start walking forward so that we can
32:46
get out and properly insert Paul's head into his rectum.
32:52
It is too bad that the shithills have destroyed my nostrils
32:56
because I would be smelling a whole heap of bullshit right
32:59
now. As you guys advance towards the
33:02
door, it goes from pitch black to almost blindingly lit in the
33:06
room, just like somebody kicked on as many fluorescent lights as
33:10
possible. It's just that irritating
33:12
fluorescent. No sensory overload.
33:15
Hello. What the?
33:16
Fuck. And in the room you see three
33:19
crates, each of them with your names.
33:23
OK, this is getting really fucking weird.
33:25
I think this implies that the let's see how to put it way you
33:30
would understand the bastards planned this.
33:35
Oh yeah, no, that's a definite I like.
33:38
I saw that coming a mile away, but what the fuck is this?
33:41
I think you were the only one out of us that did not put that
33:44
together. Like raise one eyebrow and just
33:48
like the angry teacher stare down.
33:51
I I smile real big with my teeth.
33:54
I walk over to my crate and I tentatively kick it like a like
33:58
a light tap with my foot like. Go ahead, roll AD 20.
34:02
Fuck it. OK I got AD for odd.
34:07
Odd is 1, even is 2. Got it.
34:10
It's a 2. OK, you just kicked the crate.
34:14
Yeah, just like give it like a light like tap, like a like a
34:18
cell. As you kick the crate, you see
34:20
that the lid on top shifts ever so slightly, like it's just been
34:24
laid on top of it. Oh, so it's not like hinged?
34:27
No. Oh, OK.
34:28
Do I see anything because the lid is slightly ajar?
34:32
If you pull the lid off, you can look inside.
34:34
But like, is there anything that's like moving in there?
34:37
Is there? Nothing moving.
34:40
Boys, I'm gonna fucking regret this.
34:41
And I lean down and I pull the lid off like hesitantly, like I
34:46
slowly pull it off with my eyes closed.
34:48
And then I open one eye. OK, roll me AD 10.
34:51
D10. Hey.
34:53
Yes, Sir. That is a four.
34:55
Inside the crate appears to be a large slingshot, but you could
35:02
tell it would hold like water balloons and you see a
35:06
smattering of just random debris in there.
35:09
Like like what? Like.
35:10
Rocks, like rocks and OK and just chunks of random stuff that
35:15
they picked up from the landfill out.
35:17
There, when you say slingshot, are you talking like Dennis the
35:19
Menace style slingshot? Yes, but a large one that one
35:22
that would launch water balloons.
35:24
Oh wow, OK what kind of fucking looney tone shit is this?
35:28
That would be a slingshot. Well, thank you, Professor.
35:34
I suppose it could launch a water balloon.
35:37
Hell yeah, this thing's pretty big.
35:39
Maybe even a baby. Yeah, this.
35:41
Oh, that'd be fun. When it comes down to it, it
35:45
does D6 damage. So there are two other crates,
35:48
one with Dalton's name and one with Donnie's name.
35:51
Donnie goes over to his and rips the lid off.
35:56
Can Donnie read his? Good question.
35:58
Donnie is illiterate all. Right, Dalton will go over to
36:01
his. Donnie goes over to Dalton's.
36:04
Wrong one my boy, Yours is over there.
36:07
The one that's already been opened.
36:08
No, and I point to Donnie's. Oh, I, I knew that I was, I was
36:14
going there right all. Right.
36:20
And now can I have Christmas fun time?
36:23
Yes, you can. Roll me AD 2D2.
36:26
Flip one, roll me AD 10. G10 Roll 8.
36:32
Inside this crate you see what appears to be a severed hand
36:38
with a manacles attached to it. On the other side of the manacle
36:43
appears to be a cinder block. How old is the hand?
36:46
It's still in pretty good condition.
36:48
Oh fuck yeah. Stack tab.
36:50
This is a 2 handed weapon and it will do D8 damage.
36:54
But still you got one hand. You will use two hands to wield
36:58
the severed arm that's manacled to a cylinder block.
37:01
But but he wants to eat the the hand.
37:04
It's not alive though. Oh, you're right.
37:07
OK, Fair, fair. OK.
37:09
All right. I love that you're a discerning
37:12
cannibal. Schedule line.
37:14
Somewhere, freshness matters. If it's not fresh, then it's not
37:18
clean. Then it's not worth eating.
37:21
That is true, but Donnie is probably very hungry.
37:24
As Colette is eyeing her slingshot, she looks over at
37:28
Donnie and goes, holy shit, what the fuck is that?
37:32
It's too old to eat his first problem.
37:35
Second problem is I probably only get like 3 good hits with
37:39
it and he starts swinging it around over his head before it's
37:42
going to shatter. Yeah.
37:44
Yeah, Dalton kicks open his. OK, roll me a D2.
37:48
That is A1. And go ahead and roll me a D10.
37:51
2. Inside your crate.
37:54
Is a bazooka. Is not a bazooka that's on the
37:57
other table. That's on the other table is a
38:02
six foot steel pipe. How they fit that in that crate
38:06
I don't know, but there's a six foot steel pipe in there that
38:09
does D4 damage when attacking. With that you will do a meets
38:13
test. The Donnie you will be doing a
38:15
meets test as well for when you're using your severed arm
38:18
with manacle attached to a cinder block Colette.
38:20
You will be doing a feets test when using your water balloon
38:24
launcher with whatever objects you could possibly find it
38:26
there. PR12 Feets.
38:28
Correct. Cool, cool, it might.
38:31
Oh cool, my feet is A2 awesome. As you guys pick this up, you
38:35
notice that the door is closed in front of you, but there's a
38:38
simple handle. There's no lock on it.
38:39
Well. Like, OK, you got a pole, a
38:44
lovely boy. Donnie has a cinder block Mace.
38:47
I got a slingshot. Cool.
38:48
So we're ready for The Hunger Games, right?
38:50
I don't understand that reference.
38:52
Sorry I got all the I got all the illegal channels on my
38:55
planet, but sad to say, looks like this is the only way.
38:59
Right. Well, ladies first.
39:03
You are a son of a bitch and at that point I desperately do want
39:09
to say something but I'm kind of like tongue tied because my
39:13
sense of like curiosity is peak now and that I feel like is
39:17
overriding my smart ass Ness. Like I hate you and I walk over
39:25
to the door. I'm used to it.
39:27
And yeah, yeah, because everybody loves the teacher and
39:31
I go over to the door and is there like a knob or.
39:35
Yeah, there's a doorknob on there and it opens into the next
39:39
room. I have my like, I push it open
39:42
like I unlock it with, I unlock the knob and I push the door
39:47
open with my shoulder and I like have my slingshot ready.
39:50
This is when we find out it's a pole door.
39:56
I just said it was a push door, but that would have been way
39:59
better. OK, you go and open the door,
40:01
right? Yeah.
40:03
OK, open the door. You die.
40:07
Again, just offensively blinding light in there.
40:13
Jesus Christ, man. And go ahead and roll me AD 10.
40:18
OK, that's another four. OK, the room itself appears
40:24
empty. Go ahead and roll me AD 4.
40:27
That's a. One I wait for like Colette to
40:30
take 6 to 8 steps into the room before I follow her.
40:34
OK. And I I walk in like 3 steps and
40:39
I'm just like what are you chicken shit doing?
40:41
Observing. Observe this and I flip.
40:45
That's rather uncouth. And you're ugly.
40:49
As you enter the room, you see that there's a door to the left,
40:53
a door to the right, and a doorway ahead of you.
40:57
What the fuck is this? Hey professor, come on in here.
41:00
Unless you're afraid of doors. It's usually not the doors, it's
41:04
what's behind them that tends to be the problem.
41:06
Various though. Look at you, no words too.
41:10
Yes, I do. Thank you very much.
41:13
I seem to recall there were certain cultures and stuff that
41:17
like to claim left his law. I think to homage to that, we go
41:22
ahead and go that way. Motions to the left door.
41:26
Have all three of you entered the room?
41:28
Yeah, I'm following. OK as Donnie enters the room.
41:31
Is there anything above the doors or any are that like are
41:34
all the doors like the same or they're?
41:36
All the same. And and nothing above the the
41:39
archways or like the the entrances to the door.
41:42
Nope, no signage. For as filthy as this planet is,
41:45
this is hospital grade clean. It is Immaculate in this room.
41:50
As Donnie enters the room, a large, heavy steel door slides
41:56
over the entrance door that you just walked in.
42:00
Oh fuck. And after that door slides down,
42:04
you hear mechanical gears clicking away, and you notice
42:08
that the ceiling itself starts to descend, and as it descends,
42:14
spikes start randomly poking through the roof.
42:18
That's a double fuck. Shit yes I think we should just
42:22
double down and go through this left hand door.
42:25
What Which one's the fastest claim up closest to?
42:28
You're dead center in the room, so you have one to the right,
42:31
one in front of you, and one to the left.
42:33
I already start walking doors to the left hand door.
42:35
I follow. As you guys are walking towards
42:38
it, the roofs continues to come down quicker and who's reaching
42:42
for the door? Don't move.
42:43
Dalton will OK the door is locked.
42:46
Well, shit. Fuck.
42:48
There are other doors though, right?
42:50
Correct. Yeah.
42:51
So are locked. Whatever.
42:53
Move on to the next door. Just next closest door.
42:55
Locked. OK, panic.
42:58
Well #3 locked. I'm going to try to wedge my
43:03
pipe into the door to see if I can leverage it.
43:06
OK, go ahead and make a meats roll VR12.
43:10
That is a 15. As you wedge it into the door
43:13
and start prying it, it's giving you a little bit of hassle,
43:16
especially since the roof is starting to get to the top of
43:19
the door jamb. But eventually it pops free and
43:22
opens up and starts to crush under the weight of the.
43:26
Roof. All right, No.
43:28
No time so wasted. I I immediately muscle past
43:31
Colette and go in. More like I muscle past you and
43:34
go through it. Ladies first, asshole.
43:38
I shove. Them both.
43:40
You're far from a lady. Fuck yeah.
43:44
All right, so you guys come to a small hallway and you see
43:47
another door in front of you. And as Donnie brings up the
43:50
rear, you see that the roof continues to lower and lower and
43:56
lower and crushes the door that it was resting on and lowers all
44:01
the way to the ground. And that doorway is solidly
44:04
blocked off. All right, so now we're just
44:06
like, in a hallway, or are we in another room?
44:08
You are in a small hallway with a door in front of you.
44:11
OK, well, that was a close call. Yes, it's a good time that you
44:14
aren't a taller person. Thank God yes.
44:18
Good thing my my inserts are back home.
44:22
Dalton will go forward, but I'll be like using my pipe to tap the
44:26
floor just to see if there's any in a probing manner.
44:30
OK, seems solid. But I'll I'll keep walking
44:34
forward and tapping it. OK, All right.
44:36
You get across the hallway. The hallway's not very long.
44:38
It's roughly about 15 feet from one end to the other.
44:40
Floor is solid all year is just the tapping of the pipe on the
44:44
tile. OK, And the doorway in front of
44:46
you? I press the lever with the door
44:49
with my pipe and try to like push the door open and.
44:52
I ready a shot in my sling shot. This door opens in.
44:56
Oh, it opens in. So you can't push it open.
44:58
Yeah, the old push pull door trick.
45:01
It says pull on real. It says real on the door.
45:05
Real maniacal type individuals we're dealing with, they're
45:09
sick. Yeah, real evil geniuses.
45:12
All right, you open the door. Already a shot?
45:16
Yeah, I'll grab the lover and pull it open.
45:18
OK, you open the door, another obnoxiously lit room, and go
45:23
ahead and roll me AD 10. That's a 2.
45:26
OK, and roll me AD 6. 4. OK, as you enter the room you
45:34
see that the room is oddly shaped.
45:36
There's an open area as you walk in to the left there's a hallway
45:40
that takes a sharp right hand turn and then there's a doorway
45:44
to your left. In the room.
45:45
You notice that there's a hulking beast of a man that's
45:50
facing away from you guys. White shirt, blue jeans, wearing
45:55
an apron, kind of got like a hairnet on.
45:57
And he's just kind of muttering to himself as he's staring at
46:01
the wall in front of you. I'm trying to quietly walk up
46:07
behind him to see if I can hear what he's saying.
46:09
As you get closer to him, you hear he's just muttering what it
46:12
sounds like short order cook orders like ham, ham and cheese
46:16
with the extra fries and somebody wants the Reuben.
46:18
Who eats the Reuben around here and it's all fucking garbage.
46:21
Anyways. Do you notice in his hand that
46:23
he has a large spatula that's serrated on one side and he's
46:27
just kind of flopping it between his hands as he's talking about
46:31
all these random orders? A quesadilla.
46:33
It's a quesadilla down here. This is insane.
46:36
So the door is like opposite this guy.
46:39
Correct. Like as you walk in you see him
46:42
across the room from you and then to your right you see what
46:46
appears to be a long hallway that takes a right hand turn and
46:48
to the left of you you see a door.
46:51
All right, I hug the wall like I hug the wall with my back, and I
46:56
make my way to the door and I try to open it ever so
47:00
stealthily. OK, go ahead and make me a feets
47:03
test DR12. Sweet.
47:05
Command Big Blue. Oh, that's a 21.
47:10
Very nice. You get to the door and you can
47:13
feel that it's unlocked. Nice.
47:15
As this guy's muttering to himself.
47:17
Oh, I open it and I and I just signal my friends to like, come
47:24
on, that's damn scrape. You see Donnie mouth butt Ruben?
47:29
I don't know a Ruben and I, I don't care.
47:32
All I know is that guy does not look friendly.
47:36
We gotta go. I hate to admit it, but I think
47:42
she might be on to something. OK.
47:48
Just just mumbling quietly. As you guys sneak past the short
47:54
order cook and go to the doorway that's unlocked, it leads to
47:57
another small hallway roughly 15 feet, and then another door at
48:02
the end of that hallway. All right, who's opening this
48:07
one? I have not opened the door yet.
48:11
All right. Donnie, go ahead and roll me AD
48:13
10. That is A8.
48:16
And eight, OK, you open the door again, abrasive, just blinding
48:22
light, and you see what appears to be looks like another crate
48:26
in the center of this room. Just a single crate.
48:30
Just a single crate. I I believe I've called dibs.
48:35
You know what? It's only fair.
48:38
You gonna go open it? Yeah, I'm gonna go open it, all
48:40
right. It hasn't got it bad for me yet.
48:43
Go ahead and roll me AD 30. Why did you have to say that?
48:48
Excellent question. Let me get my D3016.
48:54
All right, so you open the crate and inside this crate it appears
48:58
to be a Golf Club A9 iron. In fact, on the end of the Golf
49:02
Club, it appears to be an ice skate that's duct taped to it.
49:07
I like this. This sounds like a legitimate
49:10
trash heap weapon. D6 damage.
49:13
Nice. So basically he looks like a
49:15
battle bot. But one's a doable hand at
49:21
weapon, so I can't really do a. Wheel.
49:23
Oh wow. I've got to make a choice.
49:26
Do I keep my center block with not appetizing man flesh or do I
49:31
go with the arguably an axe? By definition, an axe, right?
49:38
By definition, an axe. I'm going with the, by
49:41
definition, an axe. OK, and what do you do with the
49:45
severed arm that's manacled to a cinder block?
49:48
I kind of offer it up to the group and just like give like
49:51
this look of like. Can I take the weapon quote UN
49:56
quote weapon apart? No, it doesn't appear so.
49:59
It looks like the the arm is swollen around the manacle and
50:03
it seems like the the manacle is basically like fused into the
50:07
cinder block. But we could smash the center
50:10
block, right center. Have you ever have you ever
50:12
dealt with the center? Block.
50:13
I've dealt with the cinder block.
50:14
You can smash those pretty easy. I'm sure you could.
50:18
Like probably AD one round we could break it.
50:21
Go ahead, roll me AD 1. So how long it takes you?
50:23
01 round. D1 I've got a one looked over at
50:28
my dice to look for AD one. OK, now what's that?
50:31
Hey. Are you looking to break the
50:34
cinder block? I'm looking to see if like I
50:37
could use the hand and bullshit a story behind the hand.
50:41
OK, I believe you. I believe you too.
50:44
I believe in you as well. You know what?
50:47
I'm going to try to break the cinder block.
50:49
I'm just going to Colette is just going to pick it up by the
50:54
end of the chain where the hand is and I swing it around and I
50:57
try to forcibly smash the cinder block against the ground.
51:01
OK, go ahead and roll me A meets test meets.
51:07
Oh, I think my meets is at a -, 2 No, it's a -1 that's a 17.
51:14
All right, so as you swing it and you smash it against the
51:17
ground, you see particles of cinder block just scatter.
51:22
Sweet. It looks like it's been
51:23
weakened, but it hasn't fully broken off yet.
51:26
Okay, I okay, hasn't fully broken off, but it's it's
51:32
lighter. It is lighter and the smashing
51:35
has echoed through this room and beyond.
51:38
Same. Level of pristine clean.
51:40
Same level of pristine clean. OK, it's like, well, at least we
51:45
I gave the janitor some work, right guys?
51:48
Yeah, it's like he didn't have enough other problems to go on.
51:52
Excuse me, Mr. Patches tweed jacket And I pick up the hand
51:59
OK, And like I sort of put the chain like over like my neck,
52:02
like I wear it like a like a scarf almost.
52:05
And I take some of the broken bits of cinder block for ammo
52:08
for my slingshot. Love it.
52:10
As you guys are discussing this and you're picking up the stuff
52:13
you see in the hallway, the short order cooks standing at
52:17
the doorway I need. You guys open orders?
52:21
Now, and is he's wielding his spatula in his hand.
52:27
Whoa. Are the fries on a good man?
52:31
OK, who? Who's got the Sunday Special?
52:34
How am I supposed to know? Just run the orders with.
52:37
It Table 12 want to order a chicken basket?
52:39
We're out of chicken. Chicken's been at 86 for the
52:41
menu. They wanted it though, That's
52:43
what they requested. Table 10 wonders if they could
52:46
substitute onion rings for a salad.
52:49
No substitutions. Roll initiative.
52:51
Oh. Fuck it.
52:53
Would you say substitutions? Have you never worked in a
52:55
kitchen? I.
52:56
Have there's no substitutions. Not you can't.
52:59
No, I guess I'll I'll do it D6 right.
53:04
Correct. D6 brick, Borg rolls.
53:07
That's a four now, right as you guys, this hulking mass of a man
53:12
is standing in the only doorway in this room, and he looks
53:16
furious. All right, here we go.
53:18
I'm just going to line up my shot and be like, no need to be
53:22
so surly about it. Nat fucking 20.
53:27
Oh, all right. Max damage.
53:29
All right, you're going to do Max damage.
53:31
Yes, D6. All right, what do you do
53:33
exactly? He's still up, but he is proper
53:36
fucked right now. I line up my shot.
53:39
I aim right in between the eyes like I pull back on my
53:43
slingshot. I kiss the stone.
53:45
I let it fly. And it goes right between his
53:49
eyes and leaves a massive indention in his forehead.
53:54
You can see it like the skin is split and the the blood is
53:57
trickling either side of his nose.
53:59
All right about a boom. Dalton's going to come forward
54:03
since I got that nice lengthy piece of steel pipe and just jab
54:08
towards him almost like a spear. OK, go ahead and make it to
54:11
Beats test. That is a four.
54:17
Well, tell me how you miss. Yeah, so like as I'm going
54:20
forward, like I basically kind of trip over my own feet.
54:23
So it becomes this like weird lunge and I just like stagger.
54:27
OK. Woofa.
54:29
As you're staggering forward, he's kind of dazed and barely
54:33
gets out of the way of your pipe.
54:34
Lunge, Donnie. Yeah, Donnie holds the Golf
54:37
Club, kind of like aims it at his head a little bit, kind of
54:41
squares up, kind of leans back, does this little pump number
54:45
thing before he goes all the way back.
54:48
And then just pushing forward, like just, I've imagined the
54:51
front part of the ice skate is forward.
54:53
So. OK.
54:54
Yeah. Like he's trying to shoot that
54:56
right into the forehead, center of the head.
54:59
Brain name. Oh perfect, I'd love to see you
55:02
do this. So it's AD six thing it was the
55:06
last thing I had was what? What modifier does this go with?
55:11
It's. Going to be your meets modifier
55:13
meat weight. That's plus one.
55:16
Okay. So 18.
55:19
That is a solid hit. Go ahead and roll damage.
55:22
A palpable hit. 5. Okay, tell me how you kill them.
55:27
You're us all right. Yeah, so takes the golf axe and
55:32
just pushing right in. Just bringing them right between
55:36
the eyes. Like one eye blinks, then the
55:39
other eye blinks slowly, the other eye opens back up and this
55:42
one kind of twitches for a second before he starts drilling
55:45
out of the right side of his mouth.
55:47
Perfect. Like basically half of his brain
55:49
dies and like severs connection instantly and the other half
55:52
just gets to watch. Fantastic.
55:56
And as this is all happening, you see him just fried and you
56:00
see him just mumble to himself, oh this is going to look
56:04
infected. Welcome to whole motherfuckers.
56:08
Let's. Go.
56:50
This episode of loyal face features the game human occupied
56:53
landfill by Todd shaughnessy, Daniel thrawn and Chris Elliott,
56:56
with Thomas Gino stummy playing Dalton walls, Tom gambino
56:59
playing Colette stellano, Charles paschke playing Donnie
57:02
and Kevin Welch as game master. Season 2 theme music is void
57:06
construct by Alex scroll and editing by Kevin Welch.
57:10
And while you're at it, check us out on our social medias, our
57:13
Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Blue Sky and Thread, and
57:16
wherever you listen to podcasts, make sure to rate, review, and
57:20
share with all of your friends so we can get out there to more
57:22
people. With that, thanks for listening
57:24
and we'll catch you guys next time.
57:36
Wow, it didn't kick us. No, because I reset it before.
57:40
Three times trying to get everything right going up.
57:43
Yeah. Look at those little like bars
57:47
moving around and stuff they're. Squeaky.
57:50
I can't wait. Wow, those.
57:51
My my little bars are not moving and your butt little bars are
57:55
moving. Do my little bar.
57:57
Your your your little bars are moving on my side.
57:59
My little bars stay same. It's line.
58:01
It's like sadness of line you're on.
58:05
My screen yours is going along. Yes it is and it's and just
58:09
remember guys, it's not the size of the little bars, it's how I
58:12
edit it I guess. All the people with little bars
58:17
say that. Yeah.
58:18
It's cold out, I'm from a much warmer climate.
58:22
My wife says my little bar is a good size.
58:27
Same. Average is the new hung so.
58:32
Medium is premium. They pay extra for that.
58:36
Yep. It's premium, it's.
58:38
Pretty maybe? Yeah, it's like $0.10 more at
58:40
the pump, if you know what I mean.
58:42
You got to hit that sweet spot. You go too big.
58:45
I mean, it's not really usable. It's just there.
58:48
It's why you go too small. It's like it's not even there.
58:51
It's trouser candy. What?
58:52
Yeah, exactly. Yeah, why do you need a
58:54
sledgehammer? Just a hammer in a nail.
58:56
Yeah, I think we've diverted enough.
59:01
OK. Well, we can keep talking about
59:02
hogs. No, let's not.
59:07
Oh man, I got a haircut this week that's coming up and I can
59:09
really, I really need it just like up to the point now, like I
59:13
walk through the warehouse and I can feel it move as I'm walking
59:16
and I'm. Yeah.
59:18
Must be nice to have hair. It is.
59:21
Oh, I see the video of Mr. Paschi.
59:23
There it was quite luscious. I used to.
59:25
I used to shave my head for quite a number of years, for a
59:28
very long time. Yeah, but but my head shaving is
59:31
because it fell out, not because of my oh, this will
59:35
stylistically look good. It was a oh, it looks bad now.
59:38
No, I I used to shave my head because I absolutely hated my
59:41
hair so. Big same, but now I've got this
59:45
fucking. You're rocking the the Viking,
59:48
the Viking ponytail. Why is that not in a little bun
59:51
with a chopstick through it? Because I'm not a fucking
59:55
monster. Yeah, he's not in Mulan.
59:56
Also then he would get sauce in his hair.
1:00:00
Yeah, because it's going straight from the orange chicken
1:00:03
right into my hair. It's actually.
1:00:05
A snack. You're a Mongolian beef kind of
1:00:09
guy. Oh, I do love me some Mongolian
1:00:10
beef. The orange chickens mainly just
1:00:12
to to wash out the Gray that's forming.
1:00:15
So it's a. Highlight.
1:00:18
It's a. Sesame chicken.
1:00:21
Is that dandruff? No sesame seed.
1:00:23
Sesame seed. Oh, yummy.
1:00:26
Delicious. Not for later this.
1:00:31
Is where the music comes in. Might as well be this is for the
1:00:36
music. Oh my God.
1:00:39
Well. This is how I expected that to
1:00:42
go. I thought, I thought I would
1:00:45
have lasted a little longer. So damn, I got done in by
1:00:50
gasoline moonshine. Should I have tried to have made
1:00:54
a break for it? That that was my only other
1:00:57
thing in my brain was like, I would have to just try and run.
1:00:59
Yeah. And then Kevin would have to
1:01:01
have these people beat me down. And who knows which?
1:01:05
Would be hilarious, yeah. And who knows how many other
1:01:07
people at this like frigging little night spot are in on it
1:01:13
too. You probably up against the
1:01:15
whole freaking nightclub. Yep, more than likely.
1:01:18
I mean, I don't know. I hadn't thought that far ahead.
1:01:23
You were gonna have to start making up animals.
1:01:28
You see, the Guinea pig is a small capybara.
1:01:32
It only exists to give it scale. And the capybara is 10 stores
1:01:37
tall and made thick, leathery hot.
1:02:27
Come in. Yes, Doctor, You wanted to see
1:02:31
me? Ah, yes, Paul, please come in.
1:02:34
I had a few questions for you. Yeah, Doctor, what's what's
1:02:38
going on? First off, who are these fucking
1:02:43
idiots that you've got in my labyrinth there?
1:02:47
You told me to go get some people to to do your secret
1:02:51
mission thing. And this is what you brought me.
1:02:56
Yeah, I'm sorry. It's kind of slim pickings out
1:02:58
here on the out in the hole, you know?
1:03:03
Well, I suppose we'll see if these three work out.
1:03:08
All right, Paul, you may leave.