Latest / The Post-Separation Abuse Podcast / 67. When silence feels safer, and why 'communicating better' isn't enough

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67. When silence feels safer, and why 'communicating better' isn't enough · The Post-Separation Abuse Podcast

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: You know you need to say something.
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's that your ex arrived to the last couple of handovers smelling like alcohol or sounding like they had slurred speech.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe they've been telling your children that you're a liar.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe they're refusing to follow the parenting plan or the court orders, and you're watching your kids suffer because of it.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: You know it needs to be addressed.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_00: You've perhaps rehearsed the conversation in your head a hundred times, maybe more.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you've even drafted the text message or the email or the message on Our Family Wizard or App Close or Talking Parents and then deleted it.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you've picked up your phone and then put it down, because every time you try to address anything, anything at all, it escalates into a fight, and nothing changes, except that you become the quote, high conflict parent who can't, quote, co-parent effectively.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: So you stay silent and the problem gets worse.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_00: And your child pays the price, and you feel frustrated with yourself for your silence.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome back.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Danielle Black and this is the Post-Separation Abuse Podcast.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_00: Today we're talking about the conversation that you might keep avoiding, why you're avoiding it, and what it actually takes to have difficult conversations that protect your children without destroying you in the process.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_00: Let me describe what this paralysis actually looks like.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_00: Because I know that so many of you are living it.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_00: You probably see the problem fairly clearly.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's a safety issue.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_00: Alcohol or other substances, mental health instability, leaving the kids unsupervised.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's undermining and counterparenting behavior, telling the kids that you're the reason that the family broke up, coaching or influencing them, bad mouthing you constantly.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's just straight up refusing to follow the parenting plan or the court order.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_00: Not returning the kids on time, not sharing information, or making unilateral decisions.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_00: Whatever it is, you know deep down that it needs to be addressed.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_00: And addressing it really isn't you being difficult, because this is genuinely impacting your children.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_00: But every time you've tried to raise concerns before, it goes the same way.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_00: You try to bring it up calmly, such as, hey, I noticed that the last few changeovers you seemed unwell.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_00: I'm concerned about the children's safety and wondered if we could talk about and immediately quote, here we go again.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_00: You're always trying to control everything.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_00: You just can't stand that I have a life now.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_00: The kids are fine with me.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_00: This is about you being jealous or controlling or unable to move on.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_00: Or you send a carefully worded message about the parenting orders.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_00: Within minutes or eventually, you might get back a wall of text about everything you've done wrong for maybe even the past five years.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_00: None of it addressing what you've actually raised.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_00: But now you're defending yourself against accusations that aren't true.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_00: Or you try to set a boundary.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: Quote, the parenting order says that you need to have the children available by 6 PM.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_00: I need you to follow that.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_00: Suddenly you're threatened with more court action, or called uncooperative, or told that you're quote, alienating the children, or accused of being inflexible and high conflict.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_00: So what you've learned is that raising concerns makes everything worse.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_00: And here's what happens next.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: You start avoiding the conversations.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_00: You tell yourself that maybe you're overreacting.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's not that bad.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's better to keep the peace than to make waves.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_00: The problem continues, maybe it escalates.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe your children come home and say, Dad said that you're the reason he's sad all the time.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_00: And that he has no money.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_00: Or you notice that they flinch when you mention the other parent.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_00: Or they start wetting the bed again, or other regressive behaviors, and you feel trapped.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_00: Because if you say something, you're the high conflict parent who apparently can't cooperate.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: But if you stay silent, you're watching your kids be harmed.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: There's really no winning move.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_00: You might rehearse the conversation obsessively at 2 AM in the shower, while driving, while walking the dog.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_00: You play out every possible version.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_00: You try to find the magic words that won't trigger an explosion.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_00: You draft and delete messages.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_00: You plan and cancel confrontations, thinking that there is a silver bullet that you just haven't yet found.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_00: But nothing actually changes.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_00: Meanwhile, your nervous system is a disaster.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_00: Your heart races every time your phone buzzes with a notification of a message from your ex.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_00: You have panic attacks in parking lots after changeovers.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_00: You can't concentrate at work because you're mentally preparing for arguments.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: You are exhausted from the constant fucking hypervigilance.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_00: Your friends might be giving you advice.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_00: Just communicate better.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe try being less emotional.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_00: You need to try to co-parent more effectively.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_00: Are you sure you're not overreacting?
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: As if you haven't tried.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_00: As if this is a normal co-parenting challenge that just needs quote better communication skills.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, right.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_00: You know this isn't normal co-parenting conflict.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_00: This is something else entirely.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_00: And generic communication advice doesn't work because the other person isn't interested in communication.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: They're interested in control.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_00: The real problem?
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_00: It's not that you don't know what to say.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_00: It's that you've been trained through repeated escalations that advocating for your children equals conflict, which then equals you being labeled as the problem.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_00: So you stay silent.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_00: And you feel so frustrated at yourself for it.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: And your kids continue to suffer.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_00: And you continue lying awake wondering how you became the parent who can't protect their own kids.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: That's the problem.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_00: And it's not because you're weak or incompetent, it's because you're trying to solve a strategic communication problem with normal, healthy communication skills while dealing with someone who weaponizes any attempt at normal, healthy communication.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_00: Here's what I want you to understand.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: This isn't a mere communication problem.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_00: This is a dynamic problem.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_00: The reason generic co-parenting communication advice fails is because it assumes that both parents are operating in good faith, genuinely trying to do what's best for the kids and just need better skills to navigate disagreements.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_00: But that's not what's happening here.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_00: What's happening is that one parent is using communication as a tool for control and conflict.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_00: They're not trying to genuinely resolve issues, they're trying to punish you for raising them in the first place.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_00: The escalation isn't a bug, it's a feature.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_00: Because if every time you raise a concern it becomes a fight, you'll eventually stop raising concerns.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_00: And then they can continue doing whatever they want without accountability.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_00: You just simply become easier to control.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_00: The solution isn't learning to quote communicate better.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_00: The solution is understanding the dynamic that you're in and responding strategically, not emotionally.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_00: This is what modules five and six of the post-separation parenting blueprint cover.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_00: Module five is about co-parenting communication, but not the kind that you've seen elsewhere.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_00: This is a strategic communication for high-stakes situations where normal approaches fail.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_00: Module six goes deeper into navigating high conflict and abuse dynamics, because if you're dealing with post-separation abuse, which is what this behavior pattern actually is, you need specialized strategies, not generic conflict resolution techniques.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_00: Emotional communication is reactive.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_00: Someone attacks, you defend.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_00: Someone accuses, you justify.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_00: Someone deflects, you chase.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_00: You're responding to what they're doing, trying to make them understand, trying to get them to be reasonable.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_00: Spoiler alert, never gonna work.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_00: You're never going to get someone who is inherently unreasonable to be reasonable.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_00: Strategic communication is proactive.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_00: You need to be clear on your goal, to stay focused on that goal no matter what response that you get, to document rather than defend, and to use written communication that ultimately supports documentation and creates records and you don't take the bait.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_00: So what does it look like in practice?
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_00: Instead of saying, quote, I'm concerned that you'd been drinking prior to changeover, and we need to talk about the children's safety.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_00: Strategically, quote, I noticed at the changeover on insert specific dates that you were insert specific observable facts.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_00: For the children's safety, I'm requesting insert specific change or requirements.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_00: Here's the difference.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_00: One approach invites a fight, one states facts, but and this is crucial, you can't implement strategic communication while you're emotionally dysregulated.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_00: This is where the three steps to protective parenting framework becomes essential because strategic communication doesn't happen in isolation.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_00: Step one, you need to understand what you're dealing with.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_00: You have to recognize the pattern.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_00: Modules five and six of the blueprint help you to identify high conflict communication patterns.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_00: Whether or not cooperative and collaborative co-parenting is actually going to be possible in your situation or whether you need to take a parallel approach.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_00: You need to understand how post-separation abuse operates through the legal system.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_00: You need to recognize Darvo tactics.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_00: Darvo stands for deny, attack, reverse, victim, and offender.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_00: You also need to be able to distinguish between normal co-parenting challenges and abuse dynamics.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_00: This isn't about demonizing your ex.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_00: It's about accurately assessing what you're dealing with so that you can respond appropriately and strategically.
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_00: If someone has a cold, they need rest and fluids.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_00: If someone has bacterial pneumonia, they need antibiotics.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe same symptoms, but different treatment.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_00: Your communication strategy has to match the dynamic that you're in.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_00: Step number two is building your capacity to stay regulated.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_00: And this is where most parents get stuck.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_00: And it's why knowing what needs to be done isn't enough on its own.
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_00: You can have the perfect strategic communication approach planned.
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_00: You can know exactly what to say.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_00: But if your nervous system floods the moment you see that a notification, you won't implement it.
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_00: Instead, you'll freeze and say nothing, or get defensive and reactive, or over-explain and justify, or engage with deflections and accusations, or back down to make the conflict stop.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_00: But this isn't a character flaw.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_00: This is a nervous system response to a repeated threat.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_00: Module 16 in the parenting blueprint Growing Your Capacity teaches you how to recognise your window of tolerance, the range where you can think clearly and respond strategically rather than emotionally.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_00: When you're outside your window, you're dysregulated.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_00: Your prefrontal cortex goes offline.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_00: You literally can't access your strategic, logical, rational thinking.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_00: You're in fight, flight, freeze, faint, fawn mode.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_00: Practical regulation techniques you can use before, during and after difficult communications include some grounding exercises for in the moment regulation, how to recognise early warning signs of dysregulation, and ways to expand your window of tolerance over time, as well as recovery practices after difficult interactions.
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_00: This is the bridge between knowing what to do and being able to actually do it.
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_00: And here's what happens.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_00: You draft the strategic response.
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_00: Your finger hovers over the send button.
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_00: Your heart starts racing.
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_00: Your mind floods with catastrophic thoughts.
• 12:49
  SPEAKER_00: What if they retaliate?
• 12:51
  SPEAKER_00: What if this makes it worse?
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_00: What if they take me to court?
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_00: If you can't regulate through that moment, you won't press send.
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_00: Or you might redraft and send a much softer version that doesn't actually address the issue.
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_00: Building capacity means developing the ability to tolerate emotional discomfort without collapsing.
• 13:10
  SPEAKER_00: The discomfort of their anger.
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_00: The discomfort of being called names.
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_00: The discomfort of the unknown consequences.
• 13:23
  SPEAKER_00: Not that these things don't bother you, but that you can experience them without being derailed by them.
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_00: Step number three, implementing the strategic communication.
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_00: Now that you understand the dynamic and that you've got the capacity to stay regulated, you can implement things strategically to advocate for yourself and your children.
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_00: The blueprint walks you through specific communication frameworks for different scenarios, documentation strategies, when to engage and when not to, how to set and maintain boundaries under pressure, and the legal considerations for your communications.
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_00: If you're working with me or with Trudy in coaching, this is where we help clients to craft specific messages for their situation.
• 14:07
  SPEAKER_00: We can role-play difficult conversations so you're prepared.
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_00: We can troubleshoot when things don't go as planned.
• 14:13
  SPEAKER_00: We can help you interpret responses and plan next moves and keep you accountable to your strategic approach when your nervous system wants you to back down.
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_00: Because implementation isn't one conversation and done.
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_00: It's a series of strategic communications, maintained boundaries, and consistent responses over time.
• 14:35
  SPEAKER_00: It's staying the course when they escalate trying to get you to react.
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_00: It's not taking the bait when they deflect.
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_00: It's documenting patterns rather than trying to make them understand.
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_00: It can be exhausting, it can be uncomfortable, and it works.
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_00: So what actually changes when you do this work?
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_00: You have the conversation.
• 14:59
  SPEAKER_00: Not perfectly, not without stress, but you actually address the issue instead of avoiding it indefinitely.
• 15:06
  SPEAKER_00: You send the message about the court order breaches.
• 15:09
  SPEAKER_00: You document the concerning behavior.
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_00: You request the safety measures that your kids need.
• 15:16
  SPEAKER_00: And the response from your ex doesn't derail you.
• 15:19
  SPEAKER_00: They might escalate, deflect, attack, but you don't engage.
• 15:23
  SPEAKER_00: You stay focused on the issue.
• 15:25
  SPEAKER_00: You repeat your boundary.
• 15:27
  SPEAKER_00: You document their response and move on.
• 15:31
  SPEAKER_00: You stop rehearsing arguments at 2 a.m.
• 15:33
  SPEAKER_00: or when you're in the shower or walking the dog because you're not trying to find magic words or the silver bullet that will make them understand.
• 15:42
  SPEAKER_00: You're implementing strategic communication that serves your children, regardless of your co-parents' response.
• 15:50
  SPEAKER_00: Your nervous system starts to settle.
• 15:52
  SPEAKER_00: You might still feel anxiety around communications.
• 15:55
  SPEAKER_00: That's normal.
• 15:56
  SPEAKER_00: But you're not in constant fight or flight.
• 15:59
  SPEAKER_00: You can concentrate at work.
• 16:01
  SPEAKER_00: You can be present and tuned in with your kids.
• 16:04
  SPEAKER_00: You can have dinner with friends or family without being consumed by your crisis, and your kids benefit.
• 16:10
  SPEAKER_00: Because you're finally addressing the things that need addressing.
• 16:15
  SPEAKER_00: Not perfectly, not without any difficulty, but you're acting protectively instead of staying silent.
• 16:24
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's enforcing the court order so that transitions and changeovers are consistent.
• 16:29
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's documenting concerning behavior so that there's a strong record, because perhaps you want to apply to vary the orders at some point.
• 16:39
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's setting a boundary that reduces your child's exposure to undermining behavior.
• 16:45
  SPEAKER_00: Whatever it is, you're no longer as paralyzed by the fear of conflict.
• 16:50
  SPEAKER_00: The blueprint costs less than two hours with most family lawyers.
• 16:55
  SPEAKER_00: And unlike those hours where you probably get generic advice about quote improving communication or parenting arrangement information that is not at all based on evidence or actual child development, instead, you'll get strategic approaches that actually work in high conflict dynamics.
• 17:15
  SPEAKER_00: And the Foundation Edition gives you the capacity building tools that you need right now.
• 17:20
  SPEAKER_00: Until next time, keep fighting for what the evidence shows that your children need.
• 17:26
  SPEAKER_00: The tools are out there to help you make it happen.
• 17:31
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm with you all the way.
• 17:33
  SPEAKER_00: Thanks so much for being here.
• 17:35
  SPEAKER_00: I'll talk to you soon.