Latest / Intentional Guy / Where's the Line?
Transcript
- m: Quick note before we begin today. Today's topic is sensitive, and I want you to know I'm going to handle it with care, but I'm also not going to tiptoe around it. Because men like us have tiptoeed long enough. So let me ask you something right now, man to man, have you ever wanted to stop looking at pornography, tried, and had no one to call? Not because you didn't care, but because you were too afraid of what they think of you if they knew. I have more than once. And I want you sitting with that for a second. Because that's exactly who this episode is for. I'm going to say a word right now, one time, clearly, so there's no confusion about what today is about. Pornography. That's it. That's the topic. Not temptation in general, not struggles. This episode is about pornography, what it does, how it grows, and how a man can finally know what where he's actually standing with it. I'm not going to dance around the word for the next 20 minutes, but I'm also not going to be graphic because that's not what this is. This is a conversation, not a confession booth, and not a checklist of what you've seen. This is about whether what's going on with you has crossed from a habit into something running your life. Here's the first lie a lot of us believe. I'll know if it gets bad. No, you won't. Nobody wakes up one morning and decides today's the day this took over. It creeps, it normalizes. The line moves so slow you never see yourself cross it. There's research on this. Barna did a short study with Pure Desire Ministry on this exact thing. 66% of adults believe that with enough willpower a person can just overcome this on their own. 66%. And the data says that's not true for a lot of men. So if willpower alone isn't a reliable test, and your own gut feeling isn't a reliable test, what is? That's what today's about. Not shame, not a label, clarity. There's a difference between naming a behavior, honestly, and slapping a label on a man's identity. We're doing the first one, not the second. I'm not going to diagnose you. I can't. Nobody can over a podcast. But I can hand you the kind of questions a counselor would actually ask about your relationship with pornography. These come from real screening tools, the same family of questions used in clinical assessments. for this exact pattern. Don't answer out loud. Just be honest with yourself. Has what you look at has what you looked at or how often increased over time? Do you need more now than you used to? Have you tried to stop or cut back and found you couldn't, even for a short stretch? Do you turn to it to numb something? Stress. Boredom. Loneliness more than out of actual desire? Do you feel guilty, shame, or disgusted with yourself afterwards? Almost every time? Are you hiding it, deleting history, using separate devices, lying about your time alone? Has it affected your marriage, your intimacy, your patience, your presence? Has it cost you time at work, sleep? or attention you owe your kids? When you try to quit, do you get irrable, restless, or genuinely agitated? Has it ever pushed you towards something riskier than where you started? A chat? A message? A meeting? A line you swore you'd never cross? If your wife or pastor saw your whole history, every search, every minute, would you be at peace? Or would you panic? If two or three of those landed hard, that's worth paying attention to. If six, seven, eight of those landed, brother, you already know. You know, you knew before I finished the list and heard me say this clearly. That doesn't make you a bad man. It makes you a man who finally looked. Here's where this gets practical. There's a real research based screening tool called the Sexual Addiction Screening Test, the SAST. It was built with input from hospitals, therapists, and treatment program. It's not a guess, it's not a quiz for entertainment. Pure Desire Ministry has it available free on their website, puredesire.org. It's faith-centered, it's confidential, and it takes about 10 minutes. I'll put the link In the show notes and the first comment. No excuses to say you couldn't find it. Here's my ask: don't take it standing in line somewhere distracted. Sit down, be alone, be honest. Treat it like it matters because it does. Okay, you took it. Now what? If it comes back lower than you expected, don't pat yourself on the back and walk away. Low risk today doesn't mean immune forever. Tell one person what you found anyways. Accountability before the fire, not after. If it comes back higher than you expected, here's what you do not do. You do not spiral. You do not isolate. You do not decide you're too far gone. Here's what you do instead. Three steps. Tell one safe person today. Not everyone. One. A person, a celebrate recovery group, a counselor, or even me. Get into a group built for this. Celebrate recovery exists in thousands of churches for exactly this reason. You were never meant to carry this along. If the test flagged something compulsive or risky, not just habitual, talk to a counselor trained in this specifically, like the C S A T, certified counselor. Pure desire offers. That's not weakness, that's wisdom. A number on a screen test doesn't define you, but it can be the first honest sentence in a story that's been full of cover ups. Proverbs fourteen twelve says it plainly. That verse isn't about murder, it's about self deception. ⁓ It's about a man who genuinely believes his own story right up until it cost him everything. David prayed the opposite prayer in Psalms 139. Search me, O God, and know my heart. Test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there's any offense way in me. David didn't ask God to confirm what he already believed about himself. He asked God to check his work. That's what today has been. An invitation to let something more honest than your own opinion check yours. Here's what I wish someone had told me before everything fell apart. I didn't even know something like this existed. A real honest way to check myself before it became a crisis. Nobody ever handed me 10 questions. Nobody ever said, here's a free confidential test. Go take it. I just had this vague, sick feeling that something was wrong and no map for what to do about it. And there were times, more than once, I wanted to stop. I mean, really wanted to. I sat in the quiet afterwards and I would think, and I can't keep doing this. But I had no one. Okay, we'd do that. Here's what I wish someone had told me before everything fell apart. I didn't even know something like this existed. A real honest way to check myself before it became a crisis. Nobody ever handed me 10 questions. No one ever said, here's a free confidential test. Go take it. I just had this vague, sick feeling that something was wrong and no map for what to do about it. And there were times, more than once, I wanted to stop. I mean really wanted to. I'd sit in the quiet after and think. I can't keep doing this. But I had no one, not because no one loved me, because I was so buried in fear and shame that I couldn't make myself say the words out loud to a living person. I knew I was out of control. I knew it for a long time before anyone else did. And I carried that along. Because I didn't think I had anywhere safe to put it down. That's the part that still gets me. Looking back, not that I struggled. Here's what I wish someone had told me before everything fell apart. I didn't even know something like this existed. A real honest way to check myself before it became a crisis. No one ever handed me ten questions. Nobody ever said, Here's a free, confidential test, go take it. I just had this vague sick feeling that something was wrong and no mat for what to do about it. And there were times Lots of times I wanted to stop. I mean really wanted to. I'd sit in the quiet afterwards and think, I can't keep doing this. But I had no one, not because no one loved me, because I was so buried in fear and shame that I couldn't make myself say the words out loud to a living person. I knew I was out of control. I knew it for a long time before anyone else did. And I carried that alone. Because I didn't think I had anywhere safe to put it down. That's the part that still gets me. Looking back. Not that I struggled, plenty of men struggle. It's that I struggled in silence when I didn't have to. There was a door I didn't know was there. When my world fell apart, the first place I found any kind of help was a twelve step program essay, Sex Addicts Anonymous. I'll be honest, just saying that name out loud still feels embarrassing. But sitting in those folding chairs started healing something in me. Here's what I never did. I never walked into a Christian counseling office and said the true sins I believe about myself, which was, I think I'm a pervert. I couldn't say that to a pastor. I couldn't say that in a church lobby. The shame was too loud. And I'm not telling you this so you feel sorry for me. I'm telling you this so you won't waste the years I wasted. You have something tonight that I didn't have back then. A test, a name for what's happening, and a voice telling you that you're not the only one who's ever felt this trapped. Don't let pride or fear talk you out of using it. Most of you turning in are believers. Most of you tuning in are believers. You're trying to walk closer with Christ, trying to be intentional with your life. And this struggle feels like it's standing right in the middle of that walk. I see you. This part's for you. Back when everything came apart from me, I didn't know celebrate recovery existed. And honestly, if I had known, I'm not sure I would have gone. I assumed a face-based, a faith-based recovery group would mean more judgment, not less. I figured a room full of Christians would be the last place I could say the truth out loud. I was wrong. Here's what I know about celebrate recovery now. On the other side of it, it is Christ centered. It is rooted in Scripture, and it is the most no-judgment room I have sat in. I have found real peace, the kind I have found trying to manage. I was wrong. Here's what I know about celebrate recovery now, on the other side of it. It is a Christ centered, it is rooted in scripture, and it is the most non-judgmental room I have sat in in a long time. I have found real peace there, the kind I never found trying to manage this alone. So I want to invite you, come join us. We meet every Tuesday night at six PM at our church. But if Tuesday doesn't work for you, or our building isn't close to you, hear me on this. There are celebrate recovery groups all over, and they will welcome you exactly the same way ours has welcomed me. This was never about getting you into our church. This is about you finding peace and finding recovery wherever that door is for you. Find your way to one of those rooms. Not because I'm pushing you into a corner. Because I wish someone had pushed me sooner. We'll put Celebrate Recovery's link below so you have no excuse not to look. Here's the one thing I want you to do after this episode ends. Not five things, just one. Take the test today, before tomorrow, before you walk, before you talk yourself out of it. Take the test today. before tomorrow. Let's do this again. Here's the one thing I want you to do after this episode ends. Not five things, just one. Take the test today, before tomorrow, before you talk yourself out of it the way I talked myself out of looking for years. And when you see the numbers, whatever it is, tell someone. And take one step towards a room like celebrate recovery. That's it. That's the whole challenge. If you need a friend, let's go get coffee. Let me be your friend. Let me walk beside you. And until next time, just keep being intentional.