Latest / Dear Divorce Diary: A Fresh Approach To Healing Grief & Building A Life Of Confidence After Divorce / 51. Breaking your Codependent, Perfectionist vibes after Divorce to Create Boundaries and Build Confidence

Transcript

51. Breaking your Codependent, Perfectionist vibes after Divorce to Create Boundaries and Build Confidence · Dear Divorce Diary: A Fresh Approach To Healing Grief & Building A Life Of Confidence After Divorce

• 0:53
  Speaker 1: Hi, love, this is Dawn and you're listening to Dear Divorce Diary with my coach, dawn, where we explore the post-divorce life and you, the woman who lives it.
• 1:02
  Speaker 1: We cover everything from trauma during and after divorce to feeling like a stranger in your own life and the new frontier of life as a single woman, cosing in for the conversations we've been longing to have about this new life.
• 1:18
  Speaker 1: Hi, love, i am coming to you today as like a mental pile of mush, and what's beautiful about that is this makes for powerful podcast conversation, because one of the key reasons I'm a mental pile of mush today is because I am on day 20, something about to get my period in my cycle, and from everything that I've been learning, especially from Dr Mindy Pells lately I will link her in the show notes is that in the week before my period, i am always going to be a mental, emotional, physical pile of mush.
• 2:05
  Speaker 1: Now, does that mean that I'm not a capable woman this particular week?
• 2:09
  Speaker 1: No, that's not what that means, but it does mean that I need different things and that how I show up is going to look different this week than it would in other weeks of my cycle, and the more that I can hear that from my mind, body and listen to it and attend to it, the better I'm going to feel and the better I'm going to perform.
• 2:32
  Speaker 1: So let's talk about what that has to do with where you are in your life and this crisis called divorce.
• 2:37
  Speaker 1: Now the topic here, the title.
• 2:42
  Speaker 1: You know, this idea that you're not crazy, meaning so much of how you feel in a given day has very real underpinnings in your mental, emotional and physical existence.
• 2:54
  Speaker 1: That needs to be looked at.
• 2:56
  Speaker 1: And because you feel crazy is because somewhere in our societal constructs your needs have been minimized or denied or distracted from or not facilitated.
• 3:11
  Speaker 1: Well, and that is real.
• 3:14
  Speaker 1: And so then we ask ourselves, like, does everybody feel this way?
• 3:18
  Speaker 1: Well, how does everybody else cope with it?
• 3:20
  Speaker 1: then, you know, and all of these really big questions.
• 3:23
  Speaker 1: But how can we, in a really helpful, concrete way, shift out of this?
• 3:30
  Speaker 1: I feel crazy largely because you're trying too hard to be a good girl in a way that does not serve your individual mental, emotional and physical needs.
• 3:46
  Speaker 1: Now raise your hand, if you can relate to having this really strong, like almost Herculean size drive.
• 3:57
  Speaker 1: To be a good girl Like this is one of the things I have been working to unprogram for years And when that is the primary programming that we're coming from mentally and emotionally right.
• 4:13
  Speaker 1: Our deep rooted, deeply held belief is I need to be a good girl, i need to be perfect.
• 4:17
  Speaker 1: I can't express or show my needs or emotions.
• 4:20
  Speaker 1: There's so much suppressed and repressed need in there that we end up feeling boatloads of resentment, suppressed rage, and we are damaging our cellular health at a physical level.
• 4:35
  Speaker 1: And so how could you possibly thrive in a divorce scenario when you have this huge crisis going on and the underlying programming is telling you you have to be perfect or good through this incredibly complex, difficult season of your life?
• 4:57
  Speaker 1: They just don't square love, and so if you are feeling on the verge of collapse at every given moment not just a handful of given moments know that this conversation is for you.
• 5:12
  Speaker 1: And also, this conversation is probably not going to be as tidy or maybe as clear.
• 5:16
  Speaker 1: I might be a little rambler, go off on it, i don't know, because I can tell you that that's how it feels for me mentally.
• 5:23
  Speaker 1: Normally, i can kind of see the layers and the the.
• 5:29
  Speaker 1: I have a structure when I sit down to record, and today's just not one of those days, but.
• 5:36
  Speaker 1: But I'm here to normalize for me, for you, for us, for me, for you, for us, that how I perform this week is not going to be the same as how I would perform next week, and that needs to become more and more and more okay to relieve so much of the pressure we feel to quote unquote get it right all the time, because the truth is that getting it right in this context is attending to my needs, is attending to your needs, love, and just because there are many places in our societal structure that does not appear invested in attending to your needs, love does not mean that your needs don't matter and that you're not worth it.
• 6:18
  Speaker 1: What it means is you have to become willing to claim your needs and attending to them, regardless of what the other people say, do, think, feel or believe.
• 6:30
  Speaker 1: Right now, this conversation is a growing conversation on the internet, which I love, and I mentioned Dr Mindy Pells in the very opening sentences, and she is someone who studies women, hormones and fasting, which is just mind blowing and like I'm deep in her world right now and it is absolutely unlocking, like new levels of understanding of who I am and how my body functions and how magical it is so highly recommend.
• 7:03
  Speaker 1: I'm gonna pitch her to come on the pod, yeah, but I have her YouTube channel linked in the show notes here, right?
• 7:09
  Speaker 1: so Dr Mindy is teaching me that my body is designed and programmed to know exactly what to do and how to heal itself, and all we have to do is hack into our body's natural programming.
• 7:27
  Speaker 1: Now, fun fact, your 9 to 5 job or your parental responsibilities or the way your ex-co-parents may not support your body's innate needs and it's innate programming.
• 7:43
  Speaker 1: And so then, when we get sick and then when we feel under, we feel under supported, or in fact, we are under supported, and our bodies start breaking down and we lose our mental toughness and we lose our emotional regulation skills and we say, like, what is wrong with me?
• 8:00
  Speaker 1: you're with me, right?
• 8:02
  Speaker 1: you felt all of this that I'm saying.
• 8:05
  Speaker 1: What's actually wrong is that we've been so disconnected from the truth of how our mind body functions, and so so you know for me to tell you your body has all the programming and you know for you to just organize your life in this particular way, to hack into this particular intuitive, built-in healing process.
• 8:29
  Speaker 1: If I told you that that would shorten your divorce recovery, if it would relieve many of your physical illnesses, if it would allow you to be less triggered by your ex and and to tap into love and, to you know, manage your mental health like that's a no-brainer right.
• 8:45
  Speaker 1: And so we're not going to dive deep into all of that science today, because I just don't have it like that.
• 8:50
  Speaker 1: But what I want you to know is that it's out there, and here I'm going to give you some tools to start digging in there, right.
• 8:56
  Speaker 1: So good girls.
• 9:00
  Speaker 1: Oh, my goodness, you've been such a doing such a good job of being a good girl for so long.
• 9:07
  Speaker 1: And what we were taught and I get to say we, because we just, we were generally raised in what we would call a patriarchal society and all I mean by that and this is not men bashing, i love men, men are so important, right um met.
• 9:21
  Speaker 1: It's just that our society has been organized around what works for men, not what works for women.
• 9:29
  Speaker 1: That's all I mean by patriarchal right is that our leadership and organization at our highest forms of religion and government and education and whatnot, are just oriented around what works best for men.
• 9:40
  Speaker 1: Now to get into a tiny bit of the science.
• 9:42
  Speaker 1: What Dr Mindy Pells has taught me is that men get a hit of testosterone every 15 minutes and that is the same for them every day of their life, that they just that is their hormonal cycle, that every 15 minutes in a day they get a hit of testosterone, and what's what gives them the energy and the drive to power through every task, every day, all the time.
• 10:05
  Speaker 1: Now women, on the other hand, we are driving three different sex hormones and it shows up different at different phases in our 25 to 32 day cycle, and so any given day or week is gonna be radically different for us.
• 10:19
  Speaker 1: But life is an organizer on that right.
• 10:21
  Speaker 1: Your boss doesn't say, oh, it's the week before your cycle, take it easier this week, but next week, when you're way more high energy, do a little extra.
• 10:29
  Speaker 1: Right, like that's not how your life is organized, that's not how medicine is organized, it's not how education is organized, it's not how parenting is right, it's just not how it's organized.
• 10:39
  Speaker 1: And so when we start to see the implications of that, it means that there are a lot of days that women are just sucking it up, and we're not able to just suck it up long term without consequences at a cellular level and at a relationship level.
• 10:55
  Speaker 1: And so what we were taught was be a good girl and ignore the truth of your biological programming.
• 11:03
  Speaker 1: Ouch Like ouch.
• 11:06
  Speaker 1: And so many of us were such good girls for so long that at some point, if you're anything like me and it's okay, if you're not, that you're like WTF.
• 11:19
  Speaker 1: I was such a good girl, why is my life in a dumpster fire?
• 11:23
  Speaker 1: I did everything you told me to do, give or take, and it's not working.
• 11:28
  Speaker 1: I worked hard.
• 11:29
  Speaker 1: I was a good person.
• 11:30
  Speaker 1: I loved people hard.
• 11:32
  Speaker 1: What is the actual problem?
• 11:34
  Speaker 1: And that's because good girl methodology does not actually agree with the laws of the universe.
• 11:44
  Speaker 1: The laws of the universe say that people who are happy and aligned and connected to their inner knowing and the deeper universal truths, people who are connected to nature, people who are connected to source energy, higher power, whatever it is, in a deep internal level, and are generally happy and aligned, those people attract every form of abundance.
• 12:09
  Speaker 1: How can you be deeply in tune with self and operating under a good girl framework?
• 12:16
  Speaker 1: You cannot, because good girl framework is one size fits all.
• 12:20
  Speaker 1: It says that what you need today and how you feel today is irrelevant.
• 12:24
  Speaker 1: Show up for that person, be self-sacrificing and I love me some, jesus.
• 12:29
  Speaker 1: However, jesus never told you you had to self-sacrifice to the point of damaging your own cellular health.
• 12:36
  Speaker 1: That is not what he wanted.
• 12:38
  Speaker 1: He taught grace and he taught radical self-love and he taught that he was willing to to die in order to provide you grace.
• 12:48
  Speaker 1: So, love, you are so worth it and it is true that a lot of the established expectations of our current society do not fit with your individual needs.
• 13:03
  Speaker 1: And it is an exciting time because this conversation is happening.
• 13:08
  Speaker 1: There have been people who have known this for centuries, but the conversation wasn't even an option.
• 13:15
  Speaker 1: Now the conversation is happening And in fact, i found Dr Mindy Pells on a podcast episode from a different male doctor who read the book, has a 10-year-old daughter and wants to understand all of this so that, as he parents his young daughter, he can parent in a way that is intuitive for her.
• 13:36
  Speaker 1: So can we just take a moment to appreciate how that is a very different time where this conversation has space.
• 13:43
  Speaker 1: And the space that this conversation has right now is coming as a result of the Inclusivity Culture Dialogue, which can be really annoying.
• 13:48
  Speaker 1: We've all seen the Inclusivity Culture kind of swing too far one way.
• 13:53
  Speaker 1: But what we know about that Inclusivity Dialogue is that it has opened the door for all of these conversations, and then we get to individually sift and sort what truly works at a deep mental, emotional, spiritual, cellular level for each of us and what doesn't, and then we get to see how the conversation is going to be.
• 14:17
  Speaker 1: So where you've been going through this divorce experience and feeling like the villains in your life are the court system and your ex-husband and maybe, or maybe not, your mother-in-law.
• 14:25
  Speaker 1: I actually think there are a lot of great ways to get into real life women out there who feel like their mother-in-laws are godsens, but where you, you know, you feel like there are certain villains who you have to fight in order to win this whole post-a-war situation.
• 14:47
  Speaker 1: That's actually not true.
• 14:49
  Speaker 1: Those things that you're experiencing, those people, those entities that you're experiencing as villains, you're not wrong that something's off there.
• 14:56
  Speaker 1: That's true.
• 14:58
  Speaker 1: Something is not in alignment there.
• 15:01
  Speaker 1: But what really has to change inside of you in order for you to thrive and attract all forms of abundance is for you to get to know yourself so deeply, for you to understand your own hormonal cycle so deeply, for you to acknowledge that, if you feel some type of way on a day there is 100% a reason, and then learn how to meet those needs where you are on those days.
• 15:26
  Speaker 1: Now, that is not a light switch that flips.
• 15:28
  Speaker 1: That is a process of uncovering and learning and adapting and overcoming.
• 15:32
  Speaker 1: But first things first, notice that the times that you're super tempted to focus on your ex as the villain, or the court system as the villain, or whatever it is as the villain, you got to be willing to pivot that, to look inside and say, okay, what I'm sensing is that something's misaligned and it needs a solution.
• 15:48
  Speaker 1: And I am capable of finding that solution and enacting it.
• 15:51
  Speaker 1: And it probably has something to do with my hormones and my need for space-time rest, a particular food group, like you name it.
• 16:02
  Speaker 1: So you know part of how I am doing.
• 16:05
  Speaker 1: This setup today like I'm on the sofa instead of in my chair, and that may seem like a little thing, right, but this is what I mean.
• 16:14
  Speaker 1: It's not that I was going to cancel recording today, even though that's super tempting, but to record over here in this sofa rather than the more structured version on that chair, rather than eat a particular breakfast this morning that you know would have maybe looked better in my Noom app around calorie density.
• 16:35
  Speaker 1: I ate the thing still a healthy choice, but I ate the thing that's more calorie dense.
• 16:40
  Speaker 1: It's a little sweeter, right?
• 16:41
  Speaker 1: It really does support me on a hormonal metabolic level today.
• 16:46
  Speaker 1: So I didn't get to cancel my own day, i didn't get to not show up, i didn't get to not deal with parenting things or work things, or, you know, i still had to reschedule dental cleanings this morning.
• 16:55
  Speaker 1: You know that's just like a barrel of monkeys, right, but there are these little tweaks that I could make to acknowledge where I'm at and to tell you where I'm at so that you can be with me in this grace-providing space, right?
• 17:11
  Speaker 1: So here's your permission to stop being a good girl, because it's not in a line with the laws of the universe.
• 17:16
  Speaker 1: The laws of the universe say love yourself well so that you can be a happy, aligned, intuitive person who attracts all forms of abundance.
• 17:23
  Speaker 1: This is your permission to start living life according to your hormonal cycle and not according to a patriarchal structure.
• 17:30
  Speaker 1: This is your permission to have big effing courage to do this, even when it's not popular in the spaces around you, because that is the way that we create change first inside of ourselves and second, inside of our families, inside of our communities.
• 17:44
  Speaker 1: And this is your permission to bring yourself tons of grace for how you're feeling on any given day or minute.
• 17:54
  Speaker 1: Love, so you're not crazy how your feeling matters and it is calling for a solution.
• 18:00
  Speaker 1: But you are probably blaming the wrong thing for how you feel and it probably has something to do with underlying good girl programming.
• 18:10
  Speaker 1: And good girl programming is going to block you from healing and it is going to block you from attracting a future abundance in love and in work and in parenting and in just overall living.
• 18:24
  Speaker 1: So it's time to break up with being a good girl and really start meeting yourself in a meaningful way, in a more meaningful way than you even knew was possible.
• 18:39
  Speaker 1: And I say that to you because as I'm on this journey, week by week by week, i uncover deeper, more meaningful ways to live.
• 18:49
  Speaker 1: And you know I was talking to I was talking to producer joy this week about who we want as guests on the podcast, because every week I get people who apply to be guests on this podcast and I was telling producer joy I only want guests who are talking about deep, meaningful, intentional things that feel like new conversations.
• 19:15
  Speaker 1: To us, repetition is key to learning, and so sometimes, yes, we need to be on the basic shit pardon my language.
• 19:22
  Speaker 1: Right, sometimes basic episodes are key and we want to be super basic because repetition is key to learning and we want to make sure we lock in the foundational stuff.
• 19:32
  Speaker 1: But then, beyond that, i really only want to be having conversations about deeper truths than we realize, because that's where we unlock the most juicy tidbits about how to live in love and joy and happiness and peace, and so that is the message I have for you today.
• 19:52
  Speaker 1: I love you so much.
• 19:55
  Speaker 1: I cannot wait to hear what you do with this delicious information.
• 19:59
  Speaker 1: Peace, dear Divorce Diary is a podcast by My Coach, dawn.
• 20:12
  Speaker 1: Thank you.