Latest / The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast / 242. What Putting Your Marriage First Before Your Kids Really Looks Like.. To Keep The Intimacy Strong!

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242. What Putting Your Marriage First Before Your Kids Really Looks Like.. To Keep The Intimacy Strong! · The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: You are listening to the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast, where we discuss how to find ultimate intimacy in your relationship.
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: We believe that, no matter how many years you've been married, you can achieve passion, romance, happiness and ultimate intimacy at any stage of your life.
• 0:16
  Speaker 1: Join us as we talk to not only marriage experts, but couples just like yourself and people who are just flat out fun.
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast is for couples who have a good relationship but want to make it even better.
• 0:40
  Speaker 2: What putting your marriage first before your kids really looks like Obviously to keep the intimacy strong.
• 0:46
  Speaker 2: So welcome to the podcast today with Nick and Amy, and I think today is going to be a fun subject.
• 0:51
  Speaker 2: This is a subject that we get destroyed on quite a bit from people.
• 0:56
  Speaker 2: How in the world can you say put your marriage first and neglect your kids?
• 1:02
  Speaker 2: You guys are probably horrible parents.
• 1:03
  Speaker 2: So for a lot of you out there that are thinking that's what we're saying, that's not what we're saying at all.
• 1:09
  Speaker 2: Hopefully this episode will change your mind, because it really isn't about the time but about the intentions.
• 1:18
  Speaker 3: Agreed.
• 1:18
  Speaker 3: I'm going to add to this that I don't feel like most husbands struggle with putting their kids before their wife.
• 1:28
  Speaker 3: I could be wrong.
• 1:29
  Speaker 3: I could be wrong.
• 1:30
  Speaker 3: We know some people that do, but yeah, I mean very rarely, but I think that mostly women struggle with this just because we have that amazing nurturing love our kids, they're part of us, just that bond that we have.
• 1:48
  Speaker 2: Okay.
• 1:49
  Speaker 3: That is a little bit different than a husband's bond.
• 1:51
  Speaker 2: Okay, I'm going to throw this out.
• 1:52
  Speaker 2: I think when spouses tend to put their kids first, regardless of whether it's a husband or wife, it's usually because the marriage isn't that good.
• 2:01
  Speaker 2: If you look at all the people that we know or see or deal with that have issues of putting their kids first, they typically don't have great marriages.
• 2:14
  Speaker 3: For sure, for sure.
• 2:16
  Speaker 2: So I think if you are a spouse that tends to put your kids first, whether it's a husband or wife, like if a husband feels like he's totally getting neglected, he's probably going to maybe turn to and say, well, I'm going to focus more on the kids because my wife doesn't care about me, or vice versa, so I don't know.
• 2:32
  Speaker 2: I'm just throwing that out there at least for the people we see and deal with that we know it seems like the couples that have a priority of putting their kids first don't have the greatest of marriages.
• 2:54
  Speaker 3: Well, this can come two different ways.
• 2:55
  Speaker 3: You could start prioritizing your kids, like you said, because something in your marriage is off.
• 3:00
  Speaker 3: That would definitely especially for a wife.
• 3:04
  Speaker 3: If your marriage is really struggling, you're going to dump your energy probably into your kids, right?
• 3:09
  Speaker 3: Just, naturally Not that that's the right thing to do.
• 3:11
  Speaker 3: Naturally, we start focusing on something that doesn't take as much work right.
• 3:19
  Speaker 3: But also you can cause marriage issues by already prioritizing your kids first right, so you're either doing it just intentionally or unintentionally, and I think it's really easy, especially you moms I've been there, had the cute little toddlers, the little kids, the babies.
• 3:39
  Speaker 3: It's super easy to have to focus on them and forget that your spouse still needs time and energy, because you feel like those are really hard years.
• 3:49
  Speaker 3: You're super focused, you're super tired, we get it, and they're so dang cute at those ages and you just want to kiss them and hold them and squeeze those little cheeks.
• 4:00
  Speaker 3: And a lot of husbands feel jealous of the kids at that stage.
• 4:04
  Speaker 3: They really do Like when the wife's are having babies and toddlers and they put all their energy.
• 4:08
  Speaker 3: There's a lot of husbands that have fallen and admitted that they get jealous of the kids because all that nurturing, loving, attention is going to the kids and that's natural.
• 4:18
  Speaker 3: So I think this is why it's important to bring this topic up is that it's normal to feel that way towards your kids, especially when you've been married a long time and the marriage is just kind of coasting Is the right word to put it Coasting?
• 4:37
  Speaker 3: So when our marriage is just coasting and then our kids bring that excitement back into our lives and so we focus on that, okay.
• 4:42
  Speaker 2: Do you know?
• 4:43
  Speaker 3: what I'm saying.
• 4:43
  Speaker 2: Yeah, but getting back to it, I want to share just two different scenarios that will, I think, paint a picture, because it really and I get what you're saying and I agree with that, that to a point.
• 4:55
  Speaker 2: But let's just take an example of a couple that the wife is constantly just all day running the kids to school and running to lunch and with her friends and just fills her entire day with just everything, to the point that when she gets home at night and her husband gets home at night she's totally exhausted, right?
• 5:19
  Speaker 3: Well, do you want me to keep my comment?
• 5:22
  Speaker 3: Well, let me finish.
• 5:23
  Speaker 3: Okay, let me finish.
• 5:25
  Speaker 2: And then I'll.
• 5:26
  Speaker 2: So she's filling the day, all day, with kids activities and school and running them and taking them to friends and just doing whatever, right, and I think most couples or most moms can relate to this.
• 5:37
  Speaker 2: So then it comes nighttime and the husband's like, hey, let's connect for 15 minutes or 30 minutes and make love or cuddle or whatever.
• 5:47
  Speaker 2: And the wife's like, well, I'm too tired.
• 5:48
  Speaker 2: And this happens every single night.
• 5:51
  Speaker 2: Right, I'm too tired, I'm too tired, I'm not in the mood, whatever.
• 5:55
  Speaker 2: Okay, so you take that exact same situation and if the only thing that changed is the wife said, yeah, I'd like to spend 15, 20 minutes connecting with you, and that's the only variable that changed, that would be the complete difference of a husband feeling like his wife prioritizes his marriage over the kids versus prioritizing the kids over the marriage.
• 6:18
  Speaker 2: Nothing changed other than the intention, other than the attitude.
• 6:22
  Speaker 2: The time didn't change.
• 6:23
  Speaker 2: The running the kids around all day didn't change 99% of the time could be spent with the kids and 1% of the time could be spent with your spouse.
• 6:33
  Speaker 2: But if your intentions are good and you are prioritizing and saying, you know what, even though I'm tired, I'm going to prioritize this time to connect with my spouse, and this happens both ways, with the husband or wife.
• 6:46
  Speaker 2: But in that situation, if the wife just showed the husband that he was a priority, whether it was for 15 minutes or 30 minutes, that is the difference between putting your spouse first, above your kids, or prioritizing your kids above your spouse.
• 7:09
  Speaker 3: Yeah, I pull on a grid.
• 7:11
  Speaker 2: You had something you wanted to add, though, before.
• 7:14
  Speaker 3: Well, I was going to cut you off and just say not all moms are going to lunch and hanging out with their friends.
• 7:18
  Speaker 3: Like, being a mom is a lot more than like having a bunch of alone time that you could do.
• 7:23
  Speaker 3: Like, do you know what I'm saying?
• 7:24
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and I kind of circle back because I realize this is more about the kids right, this is prioritizing your husband over your kids.
• 7:32
  Speaker 2: What does that look like?
• 7:33
  Speaker 3: Yeah, and I fully like everyone's situation is going to look different.
• 7:37
  Speaker 3: Like a lot of moms are amazing and they're cooking and they're cleaning and they're wiping tears and they're taking their kids to the park.
• 7:44
  Speaker 3: If they stay at home, I mean, this changes everything.
• 7:47
  Speaker 3: If you're a working mom trying to do all those things, right, that changes everything.
• 7:51
  Speaker 3: But, like I got a, I've been in both situations so I have to just like make sure that I'm like talking about both situations.
• 8:00
  Speaker 3: But I like what you said about it's all about the attitude.
• 8:04
  Speaker 3: So it's not about time.
• 8:05
  Speaker 3: Like your husband is not expecting okay, you're with your kids 10 hours a day, eight hours a day if they're young, 10 hours, 12 hours, whatever that looks like.
• 8:13
  Speaker 3: Some of them go to school, so maybe that's eight hours or six hours.
• 8:16
  Speaker 3: Your husband is not asking.
• 8:19
  Speaker 3: Like prioritizing your marriage is not.
• 8:21
  Speaker 3: Oh, that needs to be more equal.
• 8:22
  Speaker 3: It's not about time.
• 8:24
  Speaker 3: Like what Nick is trying to say is your husband or vice versa, your wife is going to feel 100% prior, prioritized out of that entire amount of time, that whole entire day.
• 8:39
  Speaker 3: If you just have a positive mindset about connecting with them emotionally, intimately, whatever that looks like for those 30 minutes, whoa Right.
• 8:50
  Speaker 3: That's why it's not about time spent.
• 8:51
  Speaker 3: It's about making your spouse feel as prioritized as your children, and sometimes a lot of husbands have full on agreed.
• 8:59
  Speaker 3: That literally looks like 20, 30 minutes or an hour at night, like it doesn't take long.
• 9:06
  Speaker 2: Let's change the situation a little bit, because we get a lot of wives that say this.
• 9:09
  Speaker 2: Let's say the husband is just, you know, it's Friday night and the husband's like, hey, let's take the kids to dinner and let's do this and everything is all about the kids, and the wife's like I want to spend some alone time together.
• 9:22
  Speaker 2: That's another great example that we hear from wives as well is the marriage is not being prioritized.
• 9:30
  Speaker 2: If a husband were to simply say hey, we need some alone time together, I'm going to set up a time for dinner and I'm going to take you out on a date.
• 9:38
  Speaker 2: I'm going to take you out on a real date that immediately is going to shift the mindset to oh, our marriage is being prioritized above the kids.
• 9:45
  Speaker 2: Again, it doesn't come down to anything time.
• 9:47
  Speaker 2: It all comes down to like intentions and like actually showing that you put your spouse first.
• 9:55
  Speaker 3: And that was what I wanted to like.
• 9:56
  Speaker 3: Wrap up the.
• 9:57
  Speaker 3: We're not wrapping up the podcast, but to wrap it up like that.
• 10:00
  Speaker 3: This whole entire podcast episode comes down to that word.
• 10:03
  Speaker 3: One word, and that's intention.
• 10:04
  Speaker 3: When you show intention to your spouse, husband or wife, that shows that your marriage is prioritized.
• 10:13
  Speaker 2: Well, and I want you to look at and just each one of us probably have couples that we know in our life, whether it's parents or friends or siblings or whatever that look like they have a great marriage and sometimes we're like, oh, I wish we had a marriage like that.
• 10:29
  Speaker 2: I'll bet you that if you look at that relationship every single time, you're going to feel like they prioritize their relationship above the kids or anything else.
• 10:41
  Speaker 2: Guaranteed, agreed.
• 10:45
  Speaker 3: I think prioritizing your marriage over your kids how do I explain this?
• 10:52
  Speaker 3: Like we tried to just barely.
• 10:54
  Speaker 3: It means putting your marriage first for your kids.
• 11:00
  Speaker 3: That's what I always try to hit on in social media when we make posts about this.
• 11:05
  Speaker 3: Putting your marriage for first is for your kids.
• 11:08
  Speaker 3: If you love your kids, you give them a strong marriage.
• 11:12
  Speaker 3: You give them a strong foundation.
• 11:14
  Speaker 3: You give them a happy home to come home to, with loving parents, instead of buying your kids crap or taking them places or just spoiling the heck out of them.
• 11:25
  Speaker 3: If you took all those things back and the only thing that you gave them was a loving home, in the long run they would be more appreciative of that.
• 11:36
  Speaker 2: I was going to say too, amy and I absolutely put our marriage before our kids, but I would say there's probably not too many people out there that I mean we are always going to our kids' track meets and taking them places sporting events, dance practices taking them shopping and doing different things, like we are always doing stuff with our kids, but our kids absolutely see that like on Friday night it's date night and nothing's going to get in the way.
• 12:07
  Speaker 2: Or they absolutely see that we get away once in a while and have time together and they see that, they see how important our marriage is.
• 12:15
  Speaker 2: And I think one of them you know wasn't a comment made the other day, like by one of our kids, like something about I want you guys to go here so you don't get divorced, or something like that.
• 12:26
  Speaker 3: No, our daughter is 11.
• 12:28
  Speaker 3: We were leaving on our week long vacation to go to hope.
• 12:31
  Speaker 3: I mean, it was an awesome vacation.
• 12:33
  Speaker 3: We were also doing some research to hopefully do a retreat at this really awesome place.
• 12:37
  Speaker 3: But she said when we left, we were leaving for an entire week and, believe me, it's hard to leave your kids for a week.
• 12:42
  Speaker 3: I get that, but once I get there I realize how connecting and amazing it is for our marriage and it took us a lot of years to get to this point.
• 12:49
  Speaker 3: So if you can't do that, we totally get it, but we've realized how amazing that is to do once a year.
• 12:55
  Speaker 3: But she said when we were leaving she's like I'm, I really am going to miss you.
• 13:00
  Speaker 3: I hate that you have to leave, but I want you to know that I would much rather you leave for a week than for me to not see you every other weekend because you got divorced.
• 13:13
  Speaker 3: That's pretty much what she said.
• 13:16
  Speaker 3: And I was like for 11 to like.
• 13:18
  Speaker 3: Even have thought in her mind like that comparison, like oh, I can say goodbye to you for a week because it would really suck if I had to do that every other weekend or every week, like kids, kids does.
• 13:31
  Speaker 3: If you love your kids, give them an amazing marriage.
• 13:33
  Speaker 3: That's what they want.
• 13:34
  Speaker 3: Our kids think us all the time, now that they're teenagers and we have an adult child, literally thanks us for putting our marriage first because they now know what to look for in a future spouse.
• 13:46
  Speaker 3: I mean, they're understanding, they've got friends with all this money that go on vacations all the time, that are spoiled like crazy, and they and they're like I'm so grateful just alone that you have such a great marriage, because none of that stuff matters.
• 14:05
  Speaker 3: When they see their friends with broken homes, like, and they get that, there's a certain age where they get that and it clicks.
• 14:12
  Speaker 3: And then they're grateful for you putting your marriage first.
• 14:15
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I think you, I think you're doing your kids and everyone a real favor when they see that you are putting your relationship first and that you are happy and that you do mean so much to each other and you do prioritize each other.
• 14:27
  Speaker 3: So absolutely, I totally agree.
• 14:29
  Speaker 3: So do you want to oh?
• 14:30
  Speaker 2: yeah, let's jump into the poll.
• 14:32
  Speaker 2: We did, of course, did a poll on this to find out what all of you think.
• 14:37
  Speaker 3: Yeah, just to see if you understood what it means.
• 14:42
  Speaker 3: Let's see if I can find this real quick.
• 14:44
  Speaker 3: Okay, so we asked our poll, our audience.
• 14:47
  Speaker 3: Does your spouse prioritize the kids over your marriage?
• 14:53
  Speaker 3: 58% said yes.
• 14:59
  Speaker 2: More than half.
• 15:00
  Speaker 3: Is that was that kind of what you thought it would be.
• 15:01
  Speaker 3: I didn't really know.
• 15:03
  Speaker 2: I didn't really know either.
• 15:04
  Speaker 3: I mean it's 58% out of a couple thousand people that took our poll, 58% said they, their spouse, prioritizes the kids over the marriage, so they maybe they don't know exactly what that looks like, so we asked the next question.
• 15:21
  Speaker 2: So we kind of asked what does that look like, what does?
• 15:24
  Speaker 3: that look like to prioritize your marriage first.
• 15:27
  Speaker 3: So I'm just going to go over a few of a lot of these are repeat answers.
• 15:31
  Speaker 3: So intentionality, time together, understanding the prioritizing of the marriage.
• 15:39
  Speaker 3: Treat my emotional needs as important as the kids.
• 15:41
  Speaker 3: We're going to talk about some of these, but don't say you're too tired and keep volunteering everywhere.
• 15:47
  Speaker 3: You have to balance life.
• 15:48
  Speaker 3: Young kids obviously need more time.
• 15:50
  Speaker 3: Lock your bedroom door like that.
• 15:54
  Speaker 3: One Time spent with me not reading a book or phone, getting on phone after kids go to bed I put my wife before all.
• 16:02
  Speaker 3: More date night conversations, more sex going somewhere without the kids.
• 16:06
  Speaker 3: Things become more intentional with everything Communication, sex, not discussing our relationship issues or financial issues with our kids.
• 16:16
  Speaker 3: My husband was there before my kids.
• 16:20
  Speaker 2: I wish my wife would understand that my wife would understand that and they'll be there after hopefully.
• 16:26
  Speaker 3: Yep, I used to not him, but the moment I started putting my marriage first again was amazing and marriage changing.
• 16:33
  Speaker 3: Another comment said nice PJs at night instead of big t-shirt and flannel pants, caring about my appearance for my hubby.
• 16:42
  Speaker 3: We'll get into some of these.
• 16:44
  Speaker 3: Make decisions together and discuss together before giving an answer to the kids, make sure that I get reciprocated, continually focus on each other, talk about everything God first, spouse second, then everybody else, enduring in the way she talks to me versus them.
• 17:04
  Speaker 3: She gives her attention to me before attending to them.
• 17:08
  Speaker 3: Every night we have time for ourselves Talk, watch, cuddle, have sex, whatever.
• 17:15
  Speaker 3: There's a ton of them.
• 17:15
  Speaker 3: I'll stop there, but you get the idea.
• 17:17
  Speaker 3: People are definitely.
• 17:18
  Speaker 3: They got the question.
• 17:20
  Speaker 2: We wanted to talk about a couple of them that are really important.
• 17:25
  Speaker 2: These will help you recognize what it means to put your marriage first before your kids, and what that really looks like.
• 17:31
  Speaker 2: I love that one that said treat your spouse's emotional needs just as important as the kids.
• 17:37
  Speaker 2: Again, notice how that had nothing to do with time.
• 17:40
  Speaker 2: It was all about just intentions, right.
• 17:43
  Speaker 2: Treat your spouse, treat me the same way you treat the kids.
• 17:46
  Speaker 2: If you're going to be engaged with them and talk with them and care about them, do the same thing with me.
• 17:54
  Speaker 3: I like the quote that says your marriage relationship needs just as much nurturing as your parent-child relationship.
• 18:04
  Speaker 3: I think as we get deeper into marriage and life gets busier and the kids' schedules get busier and careers get busier and all these things are thrown at us, I think it's easy to say, well, we only have so long with our kids.
• 18:21
  Speaker 3: This is the time that they need all of our attention right now.
• 18:25
  Speaker 3: But if you neglect your relationship and those little things that we can do every day in your relationship, you're not going to have much of a relationship when the kids move out, like I said before, I think it's kind of hard when your kids are really young and really cute and really fun.
• 18:41
  Speaker 3: And then, as they grow older, I've noticed for me the teenagers start being gone on weekends.
• 18:48
  Speaker 3: They want to be with their friends, which is totally natural and healthy, but they're away more than they start moving out, which is the stage that we're in as a mom realizing I'm so glad that I didn't put a ton of effort and energy and time into my kids, but I'm so glad I didn't let that overtake my marriage because me and Nick are having more time alone during the days, on the weekends, when our kids all have social lives.
• 19:14
  Speaker 3: I can feel this like all the kids moving out stage coming, and I'm so grateful that we've kept our relationships strong because we're becoming closer now that our kids are getting their own lives.
• 19:28
  Speaker 2: We've never been together.
• 19:28
  Speaker 2: What?
• 19:29
  Speaker 3: do we do?
• 19:29
  Speaker 3: Yeah, and I play pickleball with some older ladies that are now approaching retirement and stuff and their relationships are really struggling, really bad, because now all of a sudden, their kids are gone, the work is winding down, careers are winding down and all of a sudden it's the two of them and couples are struggling hardcore.
• 19:47
  Speaker 3: During this stage, I think it's so important to remember that entire time you're raising kids, your marriage relationship, yeah, it needs as much nurturing, but that looks different.
• 19:57
  Speaker 3: It's not as much time, but it still needs as much nurturing in its own way.
• 20:01
  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, exactly, I love the one too.
• 20:03
  Speaker 2: Don't use the excuse you're too tired at night, but then volunteer for everything else during the day.
• 20:08
  Speaker 2: And I think that can resonate with most people, like, okay, you tell me you're too tired to connect, yet you're willing to do everything for everyone else, but not me.
• 20:20
  Speaker 2: I mean, imagine you're the spouse that you guys have gotten married and made commitments to and you're being told, basically, that everyone else and everything else is more important than you.
• 20:34
  Speaker 3: I have to admit and I think most of the women listening to this will admit that we're guilty of this.
• 20:40
  Speaker 3: Like there is definitely that like especially especially well, I can't say especially stay-at-home moms, because working moms even more so.
• 20:50
  Speaker 3: But Stay at home moms, they want to volunteer, they want to work at the health, at the school, they want to do all these extra things to fill their days and have make them feel super valuable, like I've been there, like right, we want like to stay busy and feel productive in our day, around our kids stuff, and At the same time a working mom is still also not just working but still taking on all the kids stuff, and so it's easy and natural to feel Exhausted.
• 21:18
  Speaker 3: So it's not that we're saying you can't volunteer, you can't do this, you can't be super productive.
• 21:25
  Speaker 3: The point is is just looking at your Schedule and your calendar that you're creating?
• 21:31
  Speaker 3: I mean, you have your mandatory stuff on that, but how much are you adding on to it that maybe if you didn't add on to that, you wouldn't feel so Exhausted at night?
• 21:43
  Speaker 2: well, and if you're using, if you're using an excuse that, oh, I'm way too tired because I did all these things You're actually complaining, but you're complaining about the things that you put on your plate you chose which, which isn't fair.
• 21:55
  Speaker 2: It's not fair to say, oh, I'm so tired, I did all these things.
• 21:59
  Speaker 3: Today, when you are the one that chose to do all those things like so well, I think the simple solution would be is that those things can be very, very healthy, but this is what this is what prioritizing your marriage over your kids and all the other stuff looks like it's.
• 22:16
  Speaker 3: It's called taking your calendar.
• 22:18
  Speaker 3: Saying date night goes here I need to fit in a couple nights to be intimate and connect with my spouse those day and it and this comes down to the scheduling whether you like to schedule sex or not.
• 22:30
  Speaker 3: Take that calendar if you need to schedule it and then be like I don't want to be too tired or too worn out To connect that night.
• 22:39
  Speaker 3: That's important to our marriage, that's important to my husband.
• 22:41
  Speaker 3: That should be important to me.
• 22:42
  Speaker 3: What can I do that day or what can I move around I To make that intimate time appropriate?
• 22:48
  Speaker 2: I love the way you're approaching that because it's so easy.
• 22:50
  Speaker 2: So most people approach it and just fill their day with everything till there's nothing left for their spouse.
• 22:56
  Speaker 2: So maybe at the first of the week say okay, on this night and this night I'm gonna prioritize my spouse.
• 23:03
  Speaker 3: This is our connection time.
• 23:04
  Speaker 2: This is our connection time and then I can.
• 23:06
  Speaker 2: Then I can fill in the rest of the week with everything I want, but I've know that I've already filled in these times, whether it's date night, talking, making love, whatever it is.
• 23:18
  Speaker 2: Just, instead of filling all the other stuff first, take time to fill in what's most important first, and then you can fill in all your other stuff.
• 23:28
  Speaker 3: But you literally did commit to your spouse the day you got married to keep them a priority.
• 23:33
  Speaker 3: That's part of marriage.
• 23:34
  Speaker 3: Commitment like I can guarantee you that At the altar, promising and making commitment to marriage, if you would erase your head and be like, well, I will end up putting this, this, this, this and this and this and this and the kids before you, that marriage probably wouldn't have happened.
• 23:52
  Speaker 2: Right like that, just to let you know, here's how I'm planning on here's, here's what our marriage means to me.
• 23:59
  Speaker 3: Yeah, it's important, but everything else is gonna be a little more.
• 24:02
  Speaker 3: Yeah, exactly, yeah, no one's gonna sign up for that.
• 24:04
  Speaker 3: So very important to remember To write your spouse on your calendar if you're feeling like this, if that's what you have to do.
• 24:12
  Speaker 2: I think, yeah, I agree.
• 24:13
  Speaker 2: I think it's so important to set boundaries with your kids as well.
• 24:17
  Speaker 2: Like, don't I see so many parents that let their kids run the house?
• 24:21
  Speaker 2: They don't really have a bedtime.
• 24:22
  Speaker 2: They just kind of everything revolves around the kids and what the kids need and when they're gonna go to bed, and, oh, you know, the kids are still up, or whatever.
• 24:31
  Speaker 2: You need to run the house, you need to set bed times, you need to have curfews, you need to say that, hey, at nine or nine thirty, mom and I are gonna go spend time together and you're not gonna bother us and especially if your kids are teenagers, like we're, like we're locking our door.
• 24:48
  Speaker 3: Our kids know what that means.
• 24:50
  Speaker 3: They're old enough we're healthy enough in our family to have talks about what sex is they know that we need adult time.
• 24:56
  Speaker 2: They get that and it's like don't walk in and there's a door slot and leave us alone and we're okay that they know what that means, because they're gonna be married someday and they're gonna be doing the same thing and absolutely we want them to look at these things from a positive standpoint and say, hey, these things are important, man, these things were important to my parents, marriage, they must be important when I get married and we talk, we have those discussions with our kids.
• 25:21
  Speaker 3: They aren't appropriate age ages where we talked about that.
• 25:23
  Speaker 3: Our next podcast is gonna be on purity culture and that kind of thing, so that might go kind of hand-in-hand with that.
• 25:30
  Speaker 2: Yep and the bit.
• 25:32
  Speaker 2: The most frustrating one is when spouses pick Technology over their spouse okay.
• 25:40
  Speaker 3: So do you remember that comment that I read?
• 25:42
  Speaker 3: And he said You're too tired to be intimate, but you're not too tired to scroll on your phone for two hours, yeah, or read your book for an hour, or keep cleaning the house, which could literally wait till tomorrow.
• 25:58
  Speaker 1: Yep right.
• 26:00
  Speaker 2: Yep, yeah it's just an excuse right, and then any time there's excuses of like oh, my screen is more important than you like that.
• 26:10
  Speaker 3: I'm not okay sometimes.
• 26:11
  Speaker 3: Yeah, not that it's more important, but it's okay to not Like you could still have those times that it could be a healthy balance.
• 26:18
  Speaker 3: Yeah, right.
• 26:20
  Speaker 2: Yep, so I love this to our friends Grant and Stephanie Always say this that you can only have one priority either.
• 26:27
  Speaker 2: Can't be priorities.
• 26:29
  Speaker 3: Priorities.
• 26:30
  Speaker 3: There's only one priority, because that would be.
• 26:32
  Speaker 3: It wouldn't be a priority if there was one more than one priority.
• 26:36
  Speaker 3: Yeah, like I never really thought about that.
• 26:39
  Speaker 3: Here I am in my mid 40s and I've never thought there can only a priority is what is most important.
• 26:44
  Speaker 3: There can't be two of them.
• 26:45
  Speaker 3: There can only be one of them.
• 26:47
  Speaker 3: That needs to be your spouse.
• 26:48
  Speaker 3: What does that look like?
• 26:49
  Speaker 2: Yep, so I love that they point that out too.
• 26:52
  Speaker 3: Yep, okay, I love the next one.
• 26:55
  Speaker 3: And people are gonna roll their eyes and be like that's not really that important, especially because all the social media videos going around where I gotta just if you haven't seen it Wives are coming out in like messy bun, no makeup, big t-shirts not even like appearance, and they're like the great thing about being married is knowing that I can look like this all the time and knowing I'm still gonna get laid, and it's funny.
• 27:21
  Speaker 3: It is funny because I think a lot of husbands will be like yeah, I love my wife, like she doesn't have to.
• 27:28
  Speaker 3: I still make love to you, I yeah exactly that's what I'm saying most of us but I think that there's an aspect to this that is false.
• 27:35
  Speaker 3: I think it's so important this brings us to our next one to still get ready for your spouse and still work on your appearance.
• 27:45
  Speaker 2: Yeah, totally agree, healthy pride.
• 27:47
  Speaker 3: I think it's really important.
• 27:48
  Speaker 3: I think one of the comments we read in the survey said it makes a big difference when my wife comes to bed in her sexy pajamas or just nice pajamas, versus just a big oversized t-shirt, whatever Like.
• 28:00
  Speaker 2: it just shows me that she still cares to be attracted to me and prioritizing Like, hey, I want to look nice for you, I want to look nice for you, Like that's healthy.
• 28:10
  Speaker 2: I do that all the time.
• 28:12
  Speaker 2: I tell Amy what lingerie of mine do you want me to pick out?
• 28:15
  Speaker 2: And I usually don't get the greatest response, but at least I still put forth an effort and try Like what do you want to see me in, babe?
• 28:25
  Speaker 3: It's off to you.
• 28:27
  Speaker 2: So I think it's so important to make decisions together.
• 28:32
  Speaker 2: I know a lot of times kids are really smart.
• 28:35
  Speaker 2: They'll come to you and say, Dad.
• 28:37
  Speaker 3: Oh my gosh, my kids totally do this.
• 28:38
  Speaker 2: Dad, will you do this?
• 28:40
  Speaker 2: And I have learned to say well, what did your mom say?
• 28:43
  Speaker 2: What did your mom say?
• 28:44
  Speaker 3: And then I go and I'm like well, what did your dad say?
• 28:47
  Speaker 2: That's right.
• 28:47
  Speaker 2: And then we're like oh, it sounds like mom and I need to talk first, but really making decisions together before you answer your kids is a great way to put your marriage before your kids.
• 28:57
  Speaker 2: Absolutely, I don't know that we're going to talk about it and the kids need to respect that.
• 29:05
  Speaker 3: And our kids have learned, even though they still try it all the time.
• 29:08
  Speaker 3: Especially, they come to me like will you buy me this?
• 29:10
  Speaker 3: They think I'm going to say yes and I'm like well ask your dad.
• 29:14
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 29:14
  Speaker 3: And they're like, really I have to ask he's going to say no.
• 29:17
  Speaker 2: That's probably true.
• 29:17
  Speaker 2: That's why they ask you first.
• 29:20
  Speaker 3: Yeah, Anyways.
• 29:21
  Speaker 3: Yeah, I agree that more unified you become, as in everything.
• 29:26
  Speaker 3: They ask, every decision that you make and show your kids that we're a team.
• 29:30
  Speaker 3: So I'm not going to answer that until I talk to your dad.
• 29:32
  Speaker 3: We're a team.
• 29:33
  Speaker 3: That's teaching them some super valuable life skills for their future relationship, which, again, is the best thing you can give them.
• 29:42
  Speaker 2: I love a comment that someone made too is don't give your spouse the leftovers.
• 29:46
  Speaker 2: And the reason why this resonates, and I think as good, is like I love what we ate last night, but that doesn't mean I want it tonight.
• 29:54
  Speaker 2: Like when you give your spouse the leftovers, you're pretty much just saying all right, we have nothing else.
• 29:59
  Speaker 2: Here you go right.
• 30:01
  Speaker 3: I love leftovers.
• 30:03
  Speaker 2: Amy loves leftovers.
• 30:03
  Speaker 2: I do love leftovers.
• 30:04
  Speaker 2: All right, I'll keep giving you leftovers.
• 30:06
  Speaker 3: Nick hates leftovers.
• 30:07
  Speaker 3: I love leftovers.
• 30:08
  Speaker 2: No, I'll keep giving you different types of leftovers or whatever you want.
• 30:13
  Speaker 3: No, I agree with this one.
• 30:14
  Speaker 3: It kind of went hand in hand with one earlier.
• 30:17
  Speaker 3: Where it's you're putting everything and packing your day and getting too tired Like your spouse doesn't deserve the leftovers.
• 30:23
  Speaker 3: They don't.
• 30:24
  Speaker 3: Your spouse doesn't deserve for you to come home and just be like I'm too tired for you.
• 30:29
  Speaker 3: And I know that we're all exhausted in life.
• 30:31
  Speaker 3: I know husbands work super hard, I know the women work super hard and we're human and we just sometimes just want to lay on our bed and just be like nobody touch me.
• 30:46
  Speaker 2: But it's so important to have that physical touch so often in your marriage and the husband just wants to lay on the bed and say, please touch me.
• 30:53
  Speaker 2: Don't touch me, or please touch me, please touch me Communication.
• 30:58
  Speaker 2: That's right.
• 30:59
  Speaker 3: Communication.
• 31:00
  Speaker 2: That's right.
• 31:00
  Speaker 2: I think the last one pretty much sums up everything.
• 31:03
  Speaker 2: If you were just to do just this last one, you'd be in great shape, and I think this is making time for a connection every single night.
• 31:12
  Speaker 2: Every single night this could be going on a walk together which takes 10 minutes, 15 minutes, cuddle.
• 31:20
  Speaker 2: Take time 10 minutes or so just to talk.
• 31:23
  Speaker 2: Watch a movie together or make love.
• 31:25
  Speaker 2: If you're doing something together every single night, even if it's only taking 10 or 15 minutes, that is prioritizing your marriage.
• 31:34
  Speaker 2: If that's all you did, is said OK, we're going to take some time each night to do something to connect together, that will be a game changer for your marriage.
• 31:46
  Speaker 3: Game changer Total game changer.
• 31:48
  Speaker 3: Can I end with the quote I posted last night?
• 31:51
  Speaker 2: Yes, please do.
• 31:53
  Speaker 3: If you love your kids, put your marriage first.
• 31:55
  Speaker 3: What does this mean?
• 31:56
  Speaker 3: Your kids deserve to witness their parents kissing, embracing and nurturing a strong bond.
• 32:02
  Speaker 3: Your kids deserve to see their parents show them an example of what a healthy relationship looks like.
• 32:08
  Speaker 3: If you truly love your kids, prioritize spending quality time with your spouse and prioritize intimate time.
• 32:14
  Speaker 3: Your kids deserve parents who step up in their marriage.
• 32:19
  Speaker 3: Your kids deserve parents who show love, affection and respect.
• 32:24
  Speaker 3: The greatest gift you can give your kids is a loving home with parents that love each other.
• 32:29
  Speaker 3: Your kids will most likely have a marriage like yours one day.
• 32:33
  Speaker 3: Is that what you want for them?
• 32:36
  Speaker 3: When you make your marriage a source of joy, love and fulfillment, it radiates into every aspect of your life, especially your role as a parent.
• 32:44
  Speaker 3: By nurturing a happy marriage relationship, you not only become the best version of yourselves for each other, but also for your kids.
• 32:52
  Speaker 3: Creating a loving and stable environment is where they can thrive and flourish too, and my favorite part of that quote is it radiates.
• 33:01
  Speaker 3: When you make your marriage a source of love and joy.
• 33:05
  Speaker 3: It radiates into every aspect of your parent or end of your life, and especially your role as a parent.
• 33:11
  Speaker 3: I think that we forget, especially as moms, that our attitudes, our whole mindset positivity trickles into our kids.
• 33:25
  Speaker 3: So if your marriage is strong and you're feeling loved and supported and unified, your kids are going to feel that, and that's what we're talking about.
• 33:34
  Speaker 3: It's not about time spent.
• 33:35
  Speaker 3: It's about you being the best parent that you can be, and I think that comes from having an amazing marriage.
• 33:42
  Speaker 3: What do you think?
• 33:45
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm speechless.
• 33:45
  Speaker 2: I don't even have to say it.
• 33:47
  Speaker 3: That was beautiful I hope that you guys will all go follow us on Instagram and take our surveys.
• 33:52
  Speaker 3: You have no idea how much we appreciate that, because our podcasts we want to do podcasts that you have a say, so in that you have a love.
• 34:03
  Speaker 1: The things you're interested in.
• 34:05
  Speaker 3: Not just you're interested, but we want to hear from you.
• 34:07
  Speaker 3: We want to hear what you're struggling with, what's helping you, what's helping your marriage to thrive, because we just want your marriage to thrive.
• 34:13
  Speaker 3: We appreciate you taking the time to take the polls, to answer the polls and to be involved in this.
• 34:19
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 34:19
  Speaker 2: So, like Amy said, go follow us on Instagram at Ultimate Intimacy app.
• 34:22
  Speaker 2: We have some great videos polls.
• 34:24
  Speaker 2: We do all sorts of fun stuff there, so check it out.
• 34:28
  Speaker 2: And until the next episode, we hope you guys have a great day.