Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / Lazy Husband or Overloaded Wife? Fixing the Uneven Load Before Resentment Wins

Transcript

Lazy Husband or Overloaded Wife? Fixing the Uneven Load Before Resentment Wins · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Today answering your questions on the Happy Family's podcast about
• 0:08
  Speaker 1: a husband who refuses to pull his weight and leaves
• 0:11
  Speaker 1: the house and mass leaves everything for his wife to do.
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: What is going on there? As well as that a
• 0:17
  Speaker 1: twelve year old who is dealing with massive anxiety, can't
• 0:20
  Speaker 1: go to sleep at night, has no friends, and is
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: causing so much stress and challenge in the home. Stay
• 0:27
  Speaker 1: with us. Hello, my name is doctor Justin Courson. Welcome
• 0:32
  Speaker 1: to the Happy Famili's podcast. Is so good to have
• 0:34
  Speaker 1: you here. If you would like to know about how
• 0:36
  Speaker 1: to make your family happier, if you'd like to know
• 0:38
  Speaker 1: about how to improve your well being, if you'd like
• 0:40
  Speaker 1: to know about how to make your relationships stronger. In fact,
• 0:43
  Speaker 1: if you'd like to ask me anything at all, just
• 0:45
  Speaker 1: to submit your questions with the super simple system at
• 0:48
  Speaker 1: Happy families dot com dot au. All you have to
• 0:50
  Speaker 1: do is go to the homepage, click the record button
• 0:52
  Speaker 1: at the podcast section, and start talking. That is literally it.
• 0:57
  Speaker 1: Let's fire this one up. The first question comes from
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: somebody who is anonymous, and this is what they've asked.
• 1:04
  Speaker 2: Hey, Justin and Kylie incredibly frustrated right now. I can't
• 1:08
  Speaker 2: be everything to everyone. My husband acts like he doesn't
• 1:11
  Speaker 2: expect anything of me, but then when he needs to
• 1:14
  Speaker 2: step up, he just can't. I honestly think it's feigned
• 1:17
  Speaker 2: in competence. I got the house prepared for the school
• 1:20
  Speaker 2: holidays so that it was easy to have time with
• 1:22
  Speaker 2: the kids instead of spending all my time cleaning and
• 1:25
  Speaker 2: chasing my tail. I also managed to keep it clean
• 1:28
  Speaker 2: the entire first week of the holidays, despite having playdates
• 1:32
  Speaker 2: and many cooking sessions and messy play games with my kids.
• 1:37
  Speaker 2: On the weekend, I picked up a shift, and when
• 1:39
  Speaker 2: I got home at ten pm from said shift, the
• 1:42
  Speaker 2: house was a bomb. I am just so angry that
• 1:45
  Speaker 2: he didn't take half an hour to get everything in
• 1:47
  Speaker 2: order so that I wouldn't have to come home to
• 1:49
  Speaker 2: a pig sty. What am I meant to do with
• 1:52
  Speaker 2: a husband who is more of a child than my kids?
• 1:55
  Speaker 2: Thanks so much.
• 1:56
  Speaker 1: Okay, this one's a tough one. I want to give you,
• 1:58
  Speaker 1: a husband, the benefit of the doubt to suggest that
• 2:00
  Speaker 1: there are other ways to do parenting other than the
• 2:02
  Speaker 1: way that you want it to be done. I really
• 2:05
  Speaker 1: think that sometimes perspective taking can be helpful. And it
• 2:08
  Speaker 1: sounds like you're just so stressed out both of you
• 2:11
  Speaker 1: that there are any number of explanations for what could
• 2:13
  Speaker 1: be going on. Therefore, what I'm about to say you
• 2:17
  Speaker 1: need to really, I guess, take with a grain of
• 2:19
  Speaker 1: salt if there's any compassion or empathy or any other
• 2:22
  Speaker 1: way of seeing things based on the information you've given me. Though,
• 2:26
  Speaker 1: let's call a spade a spade. If your husband is
• 2:29
  Speaker 1: feigning incompetence, that's a load of garbage. He's not helpless.
• 2:32
  Speaker 1: He's choosing not to help. He is an adult, he's capable,
• 2:36
  Speaker 1: and he's leaving you overwhelmed, and he's leaving you resentful.
• 2:38
  Speaker 1: You're trying to juggle work, the kids, a spotless house,
• 2:42
  Speaker 1: navigating the NDAs mays, and it sounds to me like
• 2:45
  Speaker 1: he's coasting. That's not a partnership. It's a one woman
• 2:48
  Speaker 1: show with a very reluctant audience member. So here's my advice,
• 2:53
  Speaker 1: minus any ultimatums or anything like that, because I don't
• 2:56
  Speaker 1: think that's what we need here. And I want to
• 2:58
  Speaker 1: add one more time, the caveat. We might have this
• 3:01
  Speaker 1: all wrong. Maybe he's choosing to play with the kids
• 3:04
  Speaker 1: rather than tidy the house because that's what he values,
• 3:07
  Speaker 1: and that's where he thinks he can add the most value.
• 3:09
  Speaker 1: Maybe he's choosing to bust himself all day at work
• 3:12
  Speaker 1: and when he comes home he is absolutely cooked and
• 3:14
  Speaker 1: has nothing left. I don't like what I'm hearing. I'm
• 3:17
  Speaker 1: not convinced that that's what's going on, but I do
• 3:19
  Speaker 1: want to give him the benefit of the doubt if
• 3:21
  Speaker 1: we can. If I'm wrong, if you're right. Three things.
• 3:27
  Speaker 1: Number one, don't be a martyr. You're not wonder woman.
• 3:29
  Speaker 1: You are a human being, and human beings need help.
• 3:32
  Speaker 1: They need sleep, they need support, they need a community
• 3:34
  Speaker 1: and a village, and they need a partner who is
• 3:36
  Speaker 1: on their team. So I would stop trying to do
• 3:38
  Speaker 1: it all and move into conversations where you can talk
• 3:42
  Speaker 1: with him about what he's doing to make the contribution
• 3:45
  Speaker 1: that's necessary to keep things moving and to take the
• 3:48
  Speaker 1: load off you. That might involve number two, having what
• 3:53
  Speaker 1: some people might call a come to Jesus meeting where
• 3:55
  Speaker 1: you sit down and you lay it all out, the
• 3:57
  Speaker 1: exhaustion and maybe even the resentment and the unfairness, and
• 4:01
  Speaker 1: be honest about it, but don't be accusatory. Okay, this
• 4:03
  Speaker 1: isn't about pointing the finger and saying you're not pulling
• 4:05
  Speaker 1: your weight, you're not doing what you should be doing. Rather,
• 4:08
  Speaker 1: it's about saying I'm doing all of these things and
• 4:11
  Speaker 1: it's not sustainable, and I need your help. And I
• 4:14
  Speaker 1: know you're helping in a variety of ways that you
• 4:15
  Speaker 1: think really do help, but they're not the things that
• 4:17
  Speaker 1: I need the most. That's what I mean there. Okay,
• 4:19
  Speaker 1: this has got to be a very careful conversation, not
• 4:22
  Speaker 1: a blame game, or it will blow up. The third
• 4:25
  Speaker 1: thing that I would recommend that you do here, my
• 4:27
  Speaker 1: anonymous friend is set some really clear expectations around what
• 4:31
  Speaker 1: you're looking for, and probably I want to say consequences,
• 4:35
  Speaker 1: but that's not the right word. Here's how i'd say it.
• 4:38
  Speaker 1: Don't just vent offer solutions so it might bit you say,
• 4:42
  Speaker 1: this is what I'm struggling with. There's the resentment, there's
• 4:44
  Speaker 1: the unfairness, there's the exhaustion. And I've put this list
• 4:47
  Speaker 1: together of things that I think we can work on together.
• 4:49
  Speaker 1: Or here's this shared calendar, or here's a chore chart,
• 4:52
  Speaker 1: whatever it takes to get him involved. And I guess
• 4:56
  Speaker 1: that's the bit where if he doesn't follow through, if
• 4:59
  Speaker 1: he's unwilling. Well, I guess, first of all, if he's unwilling,
• 5:03
  Speaker 1: but he's got really good reasons for being unwilling, then
• 5:06
  Speaker 1: that means that you have that conversation and work it
• 5:08
  Speaker 1: out from there. If he's able to do stuff but
• 5:13
  Speaker 1: just doesn't, that's the bit where you say, all right, well,
• 5:16
  Speaker 1: if you're not willing to step up, I'm going to
• 5:19
  Speaker 1: step out, and when I come back, I need these
• 5:22
  Speaker 1: things done. Have a me day or take the kids
• 5:26
  Speaker 1: out or I don't know, whatever it is that you
• 5:28
  Speaker 1: need to do so that you can make it clear
• 5:31
  Speaker 1: to him that there's an expectation that's not being satisfied.
• 5:35
  Speaker 1: Bottom line here, you deserve a partner, not a project
• 5:39
  Speaker 1: if you are doing all of this work. I think
• 5:42
  Speaker 1: that in some ways this is a hard thing to say,
• 5:45
  Speaker 1: but based on the scenario that I've been presented with here,
• 5:49
  Speaker 1: some of what's going on with the very best of
• 5:51
  Speaker 1: intentions leads to enabling his laziness. He needs to participate
• 5:55
  Speaker 1: in the family family meetings. I've talked about them endlessly
• 5:58
  Speaker 1: on the podcast. I think a couple's meeting is the
• 6:01
  Speaker 1: kind of thing that's going to get this thing moving forward.
• 6:03
  Speaker 1: What's going well what's not What can we work on together,
• 6:07
  Speaker 1: getting on the same page. That's the way that I'd
• 6:10
  Speaker 1: be heading with this. I know it's a sort of
• 6:11
  Speaker 1: a tough love conversation. Good luck, really tricky one. Let's
• 6:23
  Speaker 1: move on to question number two from Michelle and Victoria.
• 6:27
  Speaker 3: Hi, Justin, and Carli. Recently, my twelve year old daughter
• 6:30
  Speaker 3: was assessed autism and ADHD. She has chronic insomnia and
• 6:35
  Speaker 3: steeps in our bed. She regularly has anxiety attacks before bed.
• 6:40
  Speaker 3: The next day, we are all exhausted. Her worst anxiety
• 6:44
  Speaker 3: is no friends at school. She doesn't want to sleep
• 6:48
  Speaker 3: at night because she says that her mind won't switch off.
• 6:52
  Speaker 3: In her words, she says, it's like eating a rotten banana.
• 6:56
  Speaker 3: You know how terrible it tastes, and you know there's
• 6:59
  Speaker 3: nothing that you can do to stop it happening again
• 7:02
  Speaker 3: and again. Please could you give us your best advice
• 7:06
  Speaker 3: to health?
• 7:07
  Speaker 1: Oh, Michelle, I hear the exhaustion, and I hear the desperation,
• 7:11
  Speaker 1: and this is such a hard one. A couple of
• 7:15
  Speaker 1: things here. The first thing that I want to highlight
• 7:17
  Speaker 1: is that psychological support from a qualified mental health practitioner
• 7:21
  Speaker 1: is going to be your best bet. Here, I can
• 7:22
  Speaker 1: only say so much in five or six minutes on
• 7:24
  Speaker 1: the podcast, but what I do want to share with you,
• 7:27
  Speaker 1: hopefully will be helpful in a general sense. Specific help
• 7:31
  Speaker 1: from somebody who can dive deep into your circumstances is
• 7:35
  Speaker 1: going to be helpful. I want to start with the
• 7:37
  Speaker 1: definition of mental health. The way that I look at
• 7:39
  Speaker 1: mental health is this. Mental health is having the tolerance
• 7:43
  Speaker 1: for difficult feelings and being able to respond to those
• 7:46
  Speaker 1: difficult feelings and adaptive and functional ways. And what I'm
• 7:49
  Speaker 1: hearing in your message on the part of your daughter
• 7:52
  Speaker 1: is an undeniable absence of mental health. She is struggling
• 7:58
  Speaker 1: with its opposite, with mental illness, which is a tremendous challenge,
• 8:03
  Speaker 1: and you've articulated it so well. Something that you didn't
• 8:06
  Speaker 1: quite clarify for me, though, is you said that your
• 8:08
  Speaker 1: daughter has been assessed for autism and ADHD, but you
• 8:13
  Speaker 1: didn't indicate whether she has been diagnosed with those things,
• 8:17
  Speaker 1: and so I'm a little bit limited in what I
• 8:20
  Speaker 1: can say based on that uncertainty that I have in
• 8:23
  Speaker 1: your message. Let's talk about anxiety, because that's something that
• 8:26
  Speaker 1: you were very clear about. Anxiety around bed and anxiety
• 8:29
  Speaker 1: around social challenges. Let's start with the bedtime stuff. Bedtime
• 8:33
  Speaker 1: routine I think is key to your wellbeing and to
• 8:36
  Speaker 1: your daughter's well being. In fact, if there was one
• 8:38
  Speaker 1: wellbeing hack and one parenting hack that I could give you,
• 8:42
  Speaker 1: it's got nothing to do with wellbeing or parenting. It's
• 8:44
  Speaker 1: just get enough sleep. And clearly that's not happening for you.
• 8:47
  Speaker 1: This is a really oh it's just a really hard one.
• 8:51
  Speaker 1: I'd be talking with a GP, a medical practitioner, and
• 8:55
  Speaker 1: having a look at any kind of medical issues that
• 8:57
  Speaker 1: could be promoting this. It does sound like it's primarily
• 8:59
  Speaker 1: psycho logical, but there are also different kinds of medical
• 9:04
  Speaker 1: support that you can get medical interventions, pharmaceutical and interventions
• 9:08
  Speaker 1: that can help your daughter to sleep without being heavily pharmaceutical, Like,
• 9:13
  Speaker 1: there are natural versions of many pharmaceutical products, and I'd
• 9:16
  Speaker 1: be having a chat about the safest and healthiest options
• 9:19
  Speaker 1: there with a GP or somebody else that you trust
• 9:22
  Speaker 1: with that kind of advice. Getting enough sleep is going
• 9:25
  Speaker 1: to be really, really, really key to you having success.
• 9:28
  Speaker 2: Here.
• 9:29
  Speaker 1: When I listen to this, I just parents make such
• 9:33
  Speaker 1: huge sacrifices. We're required that our children demanded of us,
• 9:36
  Speaker 1: that we make these enormous sacrifices. When it comes to sleep,
• 9:40
  Speaker 1: this might be one of those sacrifices. I'd be looking
• 9:42
  Speaker 1: at what kind of a routine works for her, What
• 9:45
  Speaker 1: do we need to do to get her to sleep,
• 9:47
  Speaker 1: and if that means that she sleeps in bed with mum,
• 9:49
  Speaker 1: or that Dad goes and sleeps in another room, or
• 9:52
  Speaker 1: that you come up with some kind of a solution,
• 9:55
  Speaker 1: that may be quite a sacrifice that helps her to
• 9:57
  Speaker 1: get the sleep. In fact, helps everyone to get the
• 9:59
  Speaker 1: sleep that they need. You're going to find that tempers
• 10:01
  Speaker 1: are going to be much much more in control of you.
• 10:04
  Speaker 1: To find you've got psychological and cognitive and you're gonna
• 10:07
  Speaker 1: have more capacity, more resources to respond to the challenges
• 10:10
  Speaker 1: that you're experiencing. And they're significant challenges. Let's move away
• 10:16
  Speaker 1: from the exhaustion and the sleep for a moment and
• 10:19
  Speaker 1: talk about something that it's going to sound like it's
• 10:20
  Speaker 1: a little bit off track, but I think it's really important.
• 10:23
  Speaker 1: I'm curious, when you've got a twelve year old girl,
• 10:25
  Speaker 1: what is it that ignites delight in her life. I'd
• 10:29
  Speaker 1: be looking for ways that I could create that in
• 10:31
  Speaker 1: her life. We've recently and this is a personal anecdote
• 10:36
  Speaker 1: that will highlight the kind of thing that I'm describing now.
• 10:39
  Speaker 1: Fourteen year old recently had the opportunity to go and
• 10:41
  Speaker 1: volunteer at a horse I guess you'd call a ranch
• 10:45
  Speaker 1: I don't know. I mean, does Australia have ranchers at
• 10:47
  Speaker 1: a facility where there are hundreds of horses? She's in
• 10:50
  Speaker 1: love with horses. And she shoveled pool and she brushed horses,
• 10:53
  Speaker 1: and she saddled them and she put bridles on them.
• 10:55
  Speaker 1: And she got to go on some horse rides. What
• 10:59
  Speaker 1: do you call that when you jump on the horse
• 11:01
  Speaker 1: with a bunch of people. I can't think of what
• 11:03
  Speaker 1: it is. But she got to go on some horse ride,
• 11:04
  Speaker 1: things along the tracks in the mountains and that kind
• 11:07
  Speaker 1: of thing. And for a week she stayed at my
• 11:10
  Speaker 1: parents on the New South Wales central coast and they
• 11:12
  Speaker 1: helped her to get to and from while she had
• 11:14
  Speaker 1: this experience and it changed, she became a different person.
• 11:18
  Speaker 1: She was not involved with her screens. She was going
• 11:20
  Speaker 1: to bed early. She was waking up at five o'clock
• 11:22
  Speaker 1: even though she didn't have to be there until like
• 11:24
  Speaker 1: eight or eight thirty or something like that. It fundamentally
• 11:27
  Speaker 1: changed her experience of life. Her social circles have changed.
• 11:30
  Speaker 1: Everything shifted because of what she's done there. And so
• 11:34
  Speaker 1: my question for you is what ignites delight in your
• 11:38
  Speaker 1: daughter and can you prioritize that. Can she be involved
• 11:42
  Speaker 1: in that extracurricular activity two or three or four days
• 11:46
  Speaker 1: a week. Can she be in a place where there
• 11:48
  Speaker 1: is social safety two or three or four days a week.
• 11:53
  Speaker 1: What can we do to help her to have more
• 11:55
  Speaker 1: experiences of autonomy and competence and real relationship with others.
• 12:02
  Speaker 1: Those kinds of experiences will subdue anxiety and also help her,
• 12:06
  Speaker 1: I think, especially if they're physically engaging, help her to
• 12:09
  Speaker 1: sleep better because she's just going to be exhausted. Last
• 12:13
  Speaker 1: of all, the social anxiety. I'm going to recommend all
• 12:16
  Speaker 1: the usual stuff, the sort of things that people talk about,
• 12:18
  Speaker 1: like getting together with friends, helping her to be in
• 12:20
  Speaker 1: safe places with people that she gets along well with,
• 12:23
  Speaker 1: developing relationships with people that she's got an interest in,
• 12:26
  Speaker 1: working with other parents, talking to the teachers, involving other
• 12:29
  Speaker 1: adults that work with her. These are the kinds of
• 12:32
  Speaker 1: things that most people would recommend. For this kind of thing,
• 12:34
  Speaker 1: it's a bit of a tricky one, but that's the
• 12:37
  Speaker 1: direction that I'd definitely be pointing you towards there. Ultimately,
• 12:40
  Speaker 1: you want to have a calm household. Tough love isn't
• 12:43
  Speaker 1: going to work. I think validation of emotions, normalization. You
• 12:47
  Speaker 1: know what a lot of kids struggle with this. You're
• 12:49
  Speaker 1: not going through anything particularly unusual. It is kind of calmon.
• 12:52
  Speaker 1: It doesn't mean it's not challenging, but it is kind
• 12:53
  Speaker 1: of common. Let's get a predictable routine. Let's work with
• 12:56
  Speaker 1: our mental health provider to get the support that we
• 12:59
  Speaker 1: need and see where we go from there. It's a
• 13:02
  Speaker 1: really tough one. Michelle from Victoria, thank you so much
• 13:04
  Speaker 1: for the question. Good luck, hard work in front of you.
• 13:08
  Speaker 1: But I know that if you stay the course and
• 13:10
  Speaker 1: work through these processes, they will make a difference for you.
• 13:13
  Speaker 1: Thanks so much for your questions. Next week more of
• 13:16
  Speaker 1: your Happy Families questions. You can submit your questions via
• 13:19
  Speaker 1: the super simple system at happy families dot com dot
• 13:22
  Speaker 1: You just scroll down to where the podcasts are, press
• 13:24
  Speaker 1: the record button, start talking. It's really that simple, and
• 13:28
  Speaker 1: I love answering your questions. The Happy Families podcast is
• 13:31
  Speaker 1: produced by Justin Ruland from Bridge Media. More information about
• 13:35
  Speaker 1: making your family happier as available at happy families dot com,
• 13:37
  Speaker 1: dot you