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DATING, LOVE & MONEY AFTER 40 · Rock My Finances

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  Speaker 3: Welcome to the Rock My Finances show on k for
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  Speaker 3: fund in finance. Join Powerhouse Jeffer josp CDFA CMC and
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  Speaker 3: control and confidence with your money, your web. It's not
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  Speaker 3: about the zeros. So what is it all about? Let's
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  Speaker 3: find out now. Here's your host and weekly friend, Jennifer Jose.
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  Speaker 2: Welcome back, Welcome back, y'all. So glad you're here. This
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  Speaker 2: is going to be a good one. Dating, love and money.
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  Speaker 2: You're forty. I don't know about you, but things get
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  Speaker 2: different each decade you tack onto me. Things change, life changes,
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  Speaker 2: my thoughts, my beliefs. I mean, we still have our underbelly.
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  Speaker 2: That's never going to change, right, But how do we
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  Speaker 2: do with dating, love and money after forty? So it
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  Speaker 2: usually comes with new opportunities. Maybe you're divorced, maybe you're widowed.
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  Speaker 2: Maybe you've been single for years. I've been single for like,
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  Speaker 2: I don't even know, like ten twelve years now, it's
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  Speaker 2: kind of crazy. Maybe you've been dating on and off
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  Speaker 2: with different long relationships. But after forty things are a
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  Speaker 2: little bit different. I could even say after fifty, after sixty,
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  Speaker 2: I'm sixty, So you're not dating with the same experiences, responsibilities,
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  Speaker 2: or expectations that we had in our twenties. Right, we
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  Speaker 2: have a history. We might have a history, like I've
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  Speaker 2: been married three times, I know three times, but there's
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  Speaker 2: a story behind that appropeteship. But you know, there's things
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  Speaker 2: there that have had up over the decades. We've learned lessons,
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  Speaker 2: We've experienced a good chunk of life. We may have children,
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  Speaker 2: maybe adult children. Some might even have grandkids. We may
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  Speaker 2: own a home or several. We may have lost everything.
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  Speaker 2: We may have retirement accounts, we have you know, raw iras,
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  Speaker 2: whatever or one case phill We could be working and contributing,
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  Speaker 2: and we also may have some money scars. We may
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  Speaker 2: have betrayal in our past. We may, especially if you've
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  Speaker 2: been divorced, you know, And that's not necessarily a bad thing.
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  Speaker 2: It's just something to be aware of. And the goal
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  Speaker 2: isn't to become who we were before after the betrayal,
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  Speaker 2: but it actually is who are we now? Who are
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  Speaker 2: we now and who do we want to be in
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  Speaker 2: the future. So today we're going to talk about love, money, trust, boundary,
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  Speaker 2: healing in our past and create relationships that support you
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  Speaker 2: your future instead of repeating your past and your past mistakes. Okay,
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  Speaker 2: Part one healed before you date. I know we can
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  Speaker 2: only do so much. However, I can promise you this
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  Speaker 2: is my thought alone. We seek our equal So what
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  Speaker 2: we're putting out there, we're getting back. So if we're
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  Speaker 2: not healed, we're going to get someone who is not healed.
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  Speaker 2: At least if we're on the journey of healing, that's great.
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  Speaker 2: We're going to meet somebody on the journey of healing.
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  Speaker 2: We're never going to be perfect or it's never going
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  Speaker 2: to be done, so we want to be at least
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  Speaker 2: aware of some things. Like my friend is dating and
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  Speaker 2: she asks on the first first date. I don't know
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  Speaker 2: who asked, but they talked about triggers. Okay, that's great.
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  Speaker 2: You want to know your triggers. Do you know your triggers?
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  Speaker 2: Do we know how we feel about money and our
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  Speaker 2: money story in our past, and do we know our
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  Speaker 2: relationship Betrayal wounds like our core wounds, right, So relationships
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  Speaker 2: do not heal our wounds. We heal our wounds. So
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  Speaker 2: a lot of times people think I'm going to jump
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  Speaker 2: into this relationship and I'm going to feel better. I
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  Speaker 2: won't have to do the personal personal growth work. Really
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  Speaker 2: in actuality, relationships highlight the wounds that we need to heal.
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  Speaker 2: They reveal them. They do not heal them. So if
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  Speaker 2: you haven't healed your abandonment issues, betrayal issues, fear of rejection,
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  Speaker 2: financial trauma, if you've been through a divorce, whatever, you
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  Speaker 2: might feel really guilty. You got this amazing inheritance from
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  Speaker 2: your family, all of those issues show up again in
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  Speaker 2: your next relationship. I promise you they will fill up.
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  Speaker 2: The healthiest relationships begin when you're no longer looking for
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  Speaker 2: someone to rescue. You're no longer looking for someone to
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  Speaker 2: complete me. Remember Jerry Maguire, you complete me? Okay. Well
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  Speaker 2: that's two haves leaning on each other. That's not very strong.
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  Speaker 2: That's not what we want. We want you to be
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  Speaker 2: able to be completely feeling great on your own clarity,
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  Speaker 2: control on your way to financial freedom. If not attained
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  Speaker 2: financial freedom, field your past wounds so that you can
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  Speaker 2: stand up fully in a new relationship. So here's the
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  Speaker 2: first healing exercise. Complete these sentences, Grab your money, journal,
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  Speaker 2: grab your pencilar pin. Number one, the hardest thing I
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  Speaker 2: experienced in past relationships was I mean, you're telling yourself
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  Speaker 2: these things, so don't worry about the dating part yet.
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  Speaker 2: Number two, the lesson I learned from that experience was,
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  Speaker 2: I think these are great questions because a lot of
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  Speaker 2: times we might meet someone and if they are blaming
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  Speaker 2: their excess all the time and they never take responsibility
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  Speaker 2: for themselves, well you know they have not done the
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  Speaker 2: healing work to become integrated of what they went through
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  Speaker 2: and who they are now and who they want to be.
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  Speaker 2: So red flag and just my opinion. Number three, what
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  Speaker 2: I need to figure forgive myself for this is huge
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  Speaker 2: because it's always one person. I don't care if you
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  Speaker 2: get the most narcissistic, violent, crazy, YadA YadA, YadA, doesn't matter.
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  Speaker 2: You still have some healing to do. You put yourself
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  Speaker 2: in that position, you stayed in that position, you accepted
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  Speaker 2: what was given to you. We still have healing to do.
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  Speaker 2: So no matter what, what I need to forgive myself
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  Speaker 2: is write that down and what I am ready to
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  Speaker 2: release is that's great. We all make mistakes, we're all human.
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  Speaker 2: The healing begins with the awareness. So let's just see
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  Speaker 2: what we have to forgive ourselves for. Right. I've done
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  Speaker 2: some stupid things in the path, believe me. So we
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  Speaker 2: heal ourselves for those things. Then we can step into
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  Speaker 2: the new relationship very different than we would have if
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  Speaker 2: we were dragging all that behind. Now. Does it go
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  Speaker 2: away forever? No, it doesn't, But we have to have
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  Speaker 2: the awareness. Part two. Know you're non negotiables. Many women
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  Speaker 2: over forty know what they don't want, but they real
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  Speaker 2: they haven't clearly defined what they do want. And some
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  Speaker 2: of them have the list of what they do want
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  Speaker 2: like a million million items long, which we're not going
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  Speaker 2: to get that either. Confidence comes from clarity before dating.
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  Speaker 2: Identify your values, your current values, not what you think
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  Speaker 2: you should be, not what your family gave you growing up,
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  Speaker 2: and not what you're just trying to get away from
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  Speaker 2: and the last relationships, but actually, who are you today,
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  Speaker 2: who do you want to be a year from now?
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  Speaker 2: And what are those values you want to see in
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  Speaker 2: your life and in your financial world? What matters most
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  Speaker 2: example of kindness, honesty, integrity, communication, they adventure, financial responsibility,
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  Speaker 2: financial freedom, what you know what really matters both to
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  Speaker 2: you health, body, you know, taking care of your body,
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  Speaker 2: whatever it might be. When you know your values, dating
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  Speaker 2: becomes easier because you're kind of no right on the
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  Speaker 2: first date if any of the communications goes towards your
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  Speaker 2: top values. And I'm not saying, you know, I got
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  Speaker 2: a trade on so honesty is more important? Is important
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  Speaker 2: to me? Well, that's kind of silly. We all care
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  Speaker 2: about honesty. And just because you were portrayed and you
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  Speaker 2: care about it more doesn't mean that somebody else doesn't
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  Speaker 2: care about it as well. It just means that you
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  Speaker 2: still have fear hanging around, and you're still worried about
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  Speaker 2: honesty because you haven't healed. That won't jit from that
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  Speaker 2: last portrayal. So you know, we all want honesty, we
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  Speaker 2: all want communication. But some people want to travel and
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  Speaker 2: have adventure. Some people don't. Some people are afraid of heights.
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  Speaker 2: They're not going to do Ruller coosters, They're not going
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  Speaker 2: to go guy diving. Some people do. They want an adventure,
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  Speaker 2: they want to be doing those things. Some people want
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  Speaker 2: to cook, some people want to have a chef. Right,
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  Speaker 2: So we want to know what matters most to us.
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  Speaker 2: So for me, I can tell you right now. Help.
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  Speaker 2: So I want somebody who is health conscious, meaning eating, exercise,
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  Speaker 2: spirituality like my meditation, my morning practice, my evening practices.
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  Speaker 2: Those are really, really, really important to me. And at
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  Speaker 2: this age, I don't have time to be explaining to
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  Speaker 2: someone why I meditate, right, So they don't have to meditate,
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  Speaker 2: but they at least know what's happening. When you know
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  Speaker 2: your values, everything becomes easier. You're no longer looking for
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  Speaker 2: chemistry alone. Now chemistry is important, but is it the
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  Speaker 2: most important thing? Everybody answers that for themselves, right like
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  Speaker 2: I want to get along with somebody I just watched
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  Speaker 2: I just had this on a show. Which show was this?
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  Speaker 2: Get Oh it was a Good Fight. I was watching
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  Speaker 2: The Good Fight and Luca had a baby. She was
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  Speaker 2: coming home from the hospital and her mom taught was
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  Speaker 2: telling her. For the relationship part of things, when you
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  Speaker 2: pull up into the front of your house, if his
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  Speaker 2: car or her car is in that garage or in
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  Speaker 2: that driveway, do you get excitement or do you not?
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  Speaker 2: Do you rather go into the house by yourself? And
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  Speaker 2: it's funny because that's so true. So when you you know,
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  Speaker 2: can you feel that in your past relationships, like you
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  Speaker 2: kind of know what's over When it's like, oh my god,
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  Speaker 2: they're home, please leave right it kind of tells you
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  Speaker 2: something or oh, I can't wait to go in and
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  Speaker 2: share my day, can't wait to go get a hug,
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  Speaker 2: or whatever it might be for me right now, I
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  Speaker 2: love that there's no one in my house, so clearly
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  Speaker 2: I should not be dating, which I'm not. So you know,
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  Speaker 2: it's like everybody's a little bit different. So here's another
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  Speaker 2: healing exercise for you. Make three lists. Stay ready. Must
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  Speaker 2: have qualities that you absolutely need, nice to have qualities
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  Speaker 2: that you would enjoy and absolutely not behaviors that you
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  Speaker 2: will not tolerate. I will not tolerate a heavy drinker.
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  Speaker 2: Absolutely will not tolerate that. I will not tolerate someone
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  Speaker 2: who does not have manners and who doesn't open the
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  Speaker 2: door for me, and that doesn't, you know, walk on
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  Speaker 2: the outside of the sidewalk. I was talking to my
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  Speaker 2: girlfriends about that as well, like that makes me feel safe.
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  Speaker 2: Someone who doesn't listen to tried to understand. Those are
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  Speaker 2: my absolute knots right now. I want you to put
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  Speaker 2: money in here, right, so your must haves around money,
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  Speaker 2: qualities that you need around money. Might have been betrayed
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  Speaker 2: hugely by a spender, so you do not want somebody
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  Speaker 2: who spends you might not have healed that wound. You
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  Speaker 2: might nice to have someone who has as least amount
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  Speaker 2: of money as you do, and then absolutely not. You
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  Speaker 2: will not take anyone with credit card debt and bankruptcy
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  Speaker 2: anything like that, So turn that into your money things
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  Speaker 2: as well. Okay, Part three. When should you talk about
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  Speaker 2: money in the dating? The most common question is when
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  Speaker 2: should I bring up money? Well, probably not on the
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  Speaker 2: first date, right, and probably not even on the second date.
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  Speaker 2: Money conversation should happen naturally as trust develops, so you
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  Speaker 2: don't need to have account balances social security if you
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  Speaker 2: file up a bankruptcy. We're talking more about values. Do
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  Speaker 2: they value abundance? Do they value security? Does money equals
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  Speaker 2: security to them? They might be sharing that just in conversations, right,
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  Speaker 2: So early conversations kind of focus on spending, habits, financial priorities,
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  Speaker 2: retirement goals for lack of a better word, right, financial
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  Speaker 2: freedom goals, debt fellow and lifestyle expectations. You can gleam
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  Speaker 2: a lot from someone just how they travel and how
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  Speaker 2: they talk about traveling. You know, they might be you know,
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  Speaker 2: going to all the cheap sites and only getting a
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  Speaker 2: deal and do for ones and you know, just keeping
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  Speaker 2: things very frugal and if you are frugal, that is
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  Speaker 2: perfect for you.
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  Speaker 1: Right.
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  Speaker 2: You'd like to stay at hostels and you know the
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  Speaker 2: the not the five star hotels, the ones that serve
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  Speaker 2: breakfast or do you want the five star room service?
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  Speaker 2: And all my hotels always with the pool in a
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  Speaker 2: hot tip. Right, So all these different things that you
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  Speaker 2: can gleam from someone just in conversation, so we're not
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  Speaker 2: really interrogating someone we're just having conversations and being aware.
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  Speaker 2: Another healing exercise for you. Journal of this question, what
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  Speaker 2: does financial security mean to me? What does financial security
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  Speaker 2: mean to me? Many people have never really defined it.
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  Speaker 2: Until you know what security means to you, it's difficult
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  Speaker 2: if someone else actually shares that vision for you. We
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  Speaker 2: all say we want financial security, but what does that mean?
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  Speaker 2: Like I had a client that she had to have
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  Speaker 2: her house paid off. She has just been she grew up,
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  Speaker 2: that she just had to have her house paid off. Well,
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  Speaker 2: and as we know these days, if I have five
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  Speaker 2: hundred thousand dollars making eight nine, ten, twelve, fifteen, sixteen, eighteen, twenty, whatever,
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  Speaker 2: whatever percentage it's making instead of paying down a two
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  Speaker 2: and a half percent loan, when you're looking at numbers,
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  Speaker 2: it would be better to have your money making money
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  Speaker 2: for you. And that's certain circumstance. However, it doesn't matter
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  Speaker 2: to her even if you had it an a guarantee,
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  Speaker 2: can't lose five percent CD or whatever, you know, instead
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  Speaker 2: of the two percent loan. She still wants her house
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  Speaker 2: paid off. That's something you cannot change. That is a value.
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  Speaker 2: So it's okay, that's what you want to know right.
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  Speaker 2: We want to know what other people's things are, what
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  Speaker 2: their values are. Debt, Do they like me? I have
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  Speaker 2: debt on my credit cards because I want points and
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  Speaker 2: then I pay that off use credit cards. There are
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  Speaker 2: some people that hate credit cards, that will not use them,
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  Speaker 2: will not get them and stand them because they've been
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  Speaker 2: taught or burned, or maybe they were portrayed with credit
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  Speaker 2: card debt and a divorce, or maybe they wrapped up
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  Speaker 2: to which credit card in college and in their twenties
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  Speaker 2: and they'll just never use them. So everybody is just
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  Speaker 2: a little bit different in the way they handle dealings
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  Speaker 2: of money. Part four, Financial red flags. I love that
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  Speaker 2: we can make that people overlook warning size. I mean, sorry, love,
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  Speaker 2: I can make people overlook warning signs right, And I
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  Speaker 2: don't even want to say love. I want to say infactuation.
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  Speaker 2: The lust, not necessarily love, but lust in the beginning, right,
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  Speaker 2: like the butterflies at our stomach, Like we want to
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  Speaker 2: pay attention to this. It's not all about chemistry. Financial
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  Speaker 2: red flags can include chronic irresponsibility. That could literally just
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  Speaker 2: be someone being late all the time for every date.
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  Speaker 2: That could be someone not confirming the date day before,
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  Speaker 2: that could be changing it all the time and then
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  Speaker 2: changing it not for the better, but for the worse
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  Speaker 2: for you. Right, financial red flags could be hidden debt.
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  Speaker 2: Now you're not going to know that for a long time,
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  Speaker 2: but you might not even find it for a while.
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  Speaker 2: A constant financial crisis, like if things are just always
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  Speaker 2: happening with kids and ex wives and families and business
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  Speaker 2: and all of that, that could just be a little
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  Speaker 2: bit of a flag. Refusal to talk about money, like
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  Speaker 2: just keep sidetracking that conversation, expecting others to rescue them, like, Oh,
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  Speaker 2: my car's not working now, or I brought the wrong
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  Speaker 2: cards too big to park. Can we take your car?
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  Speaker 2: You know, little things like that, like you know, i'm
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  Speaker 2: your house is closer to my job for tomorrow morning,
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  Speaker 2: Can I stay here? You know, just may yuckie things, right,
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  Speaker 2: like you're always having to rescue and as women, we
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  Speaker 2: feel like moms, Well, we definitely don't want to be
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  Speaker 2: a mom to our lover, so we definitely don't want
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  Speaker 2: to be feeling that excessive gambling. Maybe you guys go
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  Speaker 2: on a trip, maybe you know, they talk about, oh
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  Speaker 2: I just got back to the cruise. You know, I
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  Speaker 2: lost fifteen hundred bucks or whatever. Whatever excessive is to you.
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  Speaker 2: Repeated borrowing, Well, I don't even know how you would
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  Speaker 2: know that. But if anybody ever wanted to borrow money
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  Speaker 2: from me, that I just meant, that's a huge red flag. Right,
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  Speaker 2: financial control. You can probably see it like it comes
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  Speaker 2: out in other areas. If they're going to have financial control,
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  Speaker 2: they're going to want to control where they eat, where
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  Speaker 2: they go, what time they go, where they come back,
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  Speaker 2: who's driving all that. The control might show up in
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  Speaker 2: other areas. So the goal is not perfection. The goal
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  Speaker 2: is honesty and responsibility. So here's another healing exercise for you.
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  Speaker 2: Because as you know, we know we cannot fix someone else.
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  Speaker 2: We can only fix ourselves. So ask yourself, what red
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  Speaker 2: flags did I see but I ignored in my last
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  Speaker 2: relationship or the one before that, or before that or
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  Speaker 2: for that or whatever. Right, all my relationships. There's your
• 16:52
  Speaker 2: weekend right there, there's your weekend at the beach or
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  Speaker 2: right at the pool. That's your homework. Like, take your
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  Speaker 2: money journal with you and say, Okay, what why I
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  Speaker 2: ignored in the past. Now I can tell you I
• 17:03
  Speaker 2: did not have a financial well I did in one
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  Speaker 2: of my marriages, but I really had it a betrayal
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  Speaker 2: in a family member, and so that would be a
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  Speaker 2: great thing that I've journaled on and come to healing
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  Speaker 2: grips with. But that always pops up, So I should
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  Speaker 2: do that again, Right, Like what did I ignore? I
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  Speaker 2: already know, but I ignored and I should not have
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  Speaker 2: ignored that, right, I should have what it could? But
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  Speaker 2: now what have I learned? We got to integrate that
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  Speaker 2: we can't change it until we're aware of it and
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  Speaker 2: we remember it. It's easy to forget things, so you know,
• 17:35
  Speaker 2: that's why we want to write them down in our
• 17:37
  Speaker 2: money journal. Why did I ignore those red flags? Well,
• 17:41
  Speaker 2: because it would be easier for me. I didn't want
• 17:44
  Speaker 2: to confront that somebody else would actually do something like that.
• 17:47
  Speaker 2: Fear of being alone could be one, Like you really
• 17:49
  Speaker 2: want to be in that relationship, hope that they would
• 17:52
  Speaker 2: change or that they would never do that to you,
• 17:54
  Speaker 2: only to their ex wife or their ex ex wife,
• 17:57
  Speaker 2: wanting the relationship to work. A lot of people really
• 18:00
  Speaker 2: want to be in that relationship, like it says something
• 18:03
  Speaker 2: to who they are to the society, and they feel
• 18:06
  Speaker 2: like half of a person or half of counting, which
• 18:10
  Speaker 2: is very true. I live in a very couples area,
• 18:13
  Speaker 2: and it's sometimes hard to be a single person in
• 18:18
  Speaker 2: that and that and growing up with my kids, I
• 18:20
  Speaker 2: was a single mom all the time. All their friends
• 18:23
  Speaker 2: were always married, so that was that was you know,
• 18:25
  Speaker 2: that was strange. So I get that you would want
• 18:27
  Speaker 2: to be in that relationship. But write all these things
• 18:29
  Speaker 2: down so that you're actually aware of them. Part five.
• 18:32
  Speaker 2: Trust yourself again. Many women have experienced divorce, portrayal, financial loss,
• 18:37
  Speaker 2: like I should have invested in that that one stock,
• 18:39
  Speaker 2: or that one thing. We actually stop trusting ourselves. We
• 18:42
  Speaker 2: don't want to do that, so we want to we
• 18:45
  Speaker 2: want to say what we do, say I should have known,
• 18:47
  Speaker 2: should have what it could have right? I missed the signs.
• 18:50
  Speaker 2: I didn't want to look at the signs. How did
• 18:52
  Speaker 2: I let that happen? Uh? But healing isn't about blaming yourself,
• 18:56
  Speaker 2: I can tell you now. It's acknowledging it and rebuilding
• 19:00
  Speaker 2: the trust in your own judgment. The fact that something
• 19:03
  Speaker 2: happened doesn't mean that you're incapable of making good decisions.
• 19:06
  Speaker 2: That just means that that's more that you learned in
• 19:08
  Speaker 2: the past of what not to do. And also it
• 19:10
  Speaker 2: means you're human. So one more healing exercise. Create a
• 19:15
  Speaker 2: list and t that's titled evidence that I can trust myself.
• 19:19
  Speaker 2: Remember we always want to flip everything and stay on
• 19:21
  Speaker 2: the positive. Include difficult situations that you've survived, good decisions
• 19:26
  Speaker 2: that you have made, challenges that you've overcome, and then
• 19:30
  Speaker 2: times that you actually have listened to your gut and
• 19:32
  Speaker 2: listen to your intuition. Read it whenever self self debt
• 19:36
  Speaker 2: self doubt appears, like read that. Check that list out
• 19:40
  Speaker 2: like yeah, I did do that good, Yeah that was
• 19:42
  Speaker 2: a good choice. Part six. Healthy boundaries around money. Healthy
• 19:46
  Speaker 2: boundaries protect relationships, they do not damage them. So boundaries
• 19:50
  Speaker 2: might include obviously, no co signing for loans and don't
• 19:54
  Speaker 2: combine finances too quickly. I did with my last husband.
• 19:57
  Speaker 2: We were a blended family, so we created one household
• 20:00
  Speaker 2: checking account, but I kept mind he kept his keeping
• 20:03
  Speaker 2: certain assets separate. I love that. From coming from a
• 20:06
  Speaker 2: certified divorce financial analyst, I see this happens a lot.
• 20:09
  Speaker 2: So you want to keep your stuff separate for a
• 20:12
  Speaker 2: very long time until things are really really dialed in.
• 20:16
  Speaker 2: Discussing large purchases, like we want to make that a boundary,
• 20:20
  Speaker 2: like if it's going to be over a certain dollar amount,
• 20:22
  Speaker 2: it all gets talked about. I hope these boundaries created
• 20:25
  Speaker 2: some clarity for you, and create clarity creates trust for you.
• 20:29
  Speaker 2: And I hope that you include all these wonderful journaling
• 20:32
  Speaker 2: and exercises on your money dates because I really want
• 20:35
  Speaker 2: you to be able to walk away from dating love
• 20:37
  Speaker 2: and I want you to trust yourself, and I want
• 20:39
  Speaker 2: you to be able to say, hey, I rock my finances.
• 20:43
  Speaker 3: We appreciate you joining us today, and don't forget to
• 20:46
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• 20:49
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• 20:54
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• 20:57
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• 21:01
  Speaker 3: It's about the F word, feelings, feelings. Jennifer can't wait
• 21:05
  Speaker 3: to explore with you next week. Until then, let's all
• 21:09
  Speaker 3: say I rock my finances.