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RZFA Radio: Ep. I · RZFA Radio

• 0:08
  Speaker 1: Ladies and gentlemen, owners and degenerates, fantasy football managers, and
• 0:12
  Speaker 1: people who still insist they're just having fun, welcome to
• 0:15
  Speaker 1: the first ever broadcast of RZFA Radio. This is the
• 0:19
  Speaker 1: official voice of the Red Zone Football Association, where the
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: stakes are imaginary, the grudges are very real, and somehow
• 0:26
  Speaker 1: every single owner believes their roster is one waiver wire
• 0:30
  Speaker 1: pickup away from greatness. I am not only your host,
• 0:33
  Speaker 1: I am your commissioner, fellow league owner, defending champion, and
• 0:38
  Speaker 1: Christian Harvey broadcasting from the highly classified headquarters of the RZFA.
• 0:43
  Speaker 1: Today we are looking back at week three, examining the
• 0:46
  Speaker 1: latest transactions, previewing week four matchups, and unveiling the first
• 0:51
  Speaker 1: official RZFA power rankings. Rankings that will be completely subjective,
• 0:56
  Speaker 1: thoroughly researched, and absolutely not influenced by personal grudges. Okay,
• 1:02
  Speaker 1: that last part is a lie. But let's get to work.
• 1:05
  Speaker 1: But first, a word. From one of our sponsors. RZFA
• 1:11
  Speaker 1: Radio is proudly brought to you by the Waver Wire
• 1:14
  Speaker 1: Urgent Care. Did your running back just get injured? Did
• 1:18
  Speaker 1: your wide receiver suddenly become questionable? Did you draft a
• 1:22
  Speaker 1: player who has somehow become completely irrelevant? Then you need
• 1:27
  Speaker 1: Waver Wire Urgent Care. The only emergency medical facility where
• 1:31
  Speaker 1: the doctors don't have medical degrees. The nurses are refreshing
• 1:35
  Speaker 1: the waiver page. And the treatment plan is usually... Drop
• 1:38
  Speaker 1: somebody and pray. Visit WaverWire Urgent Care today. Because your roster...
• 1:43
  Speaker 1: Didn't collapse itself. Alright. Excuse me. Let's rewind the tape.
• 1:50
  Speaker 1: Last week in the RZFA we had... The marquee matchup
• 1:54
  Speaker 1: of the week. The one everybody was waiting for. The
• 1:57
  Speaker 1: championship rematch between... Inglourious Staffords and the newly minted... Devante's Inferno. Unfortunately...
• 2:05
  Speaker 1: Devontae's Inferno did not win that matchup. Inglourious Staffords got
• 2:10
  Speaker 1: their revenge, winning 180-127. And I want to begin with
• 2:16
  Speaker 1: the obvious. The Inglourious Staffords did what they had to do. Congratulations,
• 2:21
  Speaker 1: enjoy it, put it up on your fridge, tell your kid.
• 2:25
  Speaker 1: I don't really care. On the other side, Devontae's Inferno
• 2:29
  Speaker 1: has a lot of explaining to do. Ignore the reports
• 2:34
  Speaker 1: that the team owner went into the locker room and
• 2:37
  Speaker 1: literally smashed everything aside. Just ignore that. The game really
• 2:42
  Speaker 1: turned when five roster spots on Devontae's Inferno put up
• 2:47
  Speaker 1: a combined 19 points. That was really the key difference there.
• 2:52
  Speaker 1: At that point, Devontae's Inferno was no longer playing fantasy football.
• 2:56
  Speaker 1: They were participating in a live demonstration of suffering. Let's
• 3:02
  Speaker 1: go through the rest of the matchups from the week.
• 3:04
  Speaker 1: We had Drake beating Stinky Pitch Chase, 168-125. We had
• 3:09
  Speaker 1: None Strange With My Dicker beating Bees and Jigba Suck, 174-106.
• 3:14
  Speaker 1: We had Bad Team finally winning their first game of
• 3:18
  Speaker 1: the season, 120-117. We had Xavier Ferguson's Cult winning 117-111.
• 3:23
  Speaker 1: And then lastly, the last undefeated team of the league,
• 3:28
  Speaker 1: Goff to see the Rizzler, 147-111. 2-1-16 against not likely
• 3:32
  Speaker 1: to win. Some quick hits here. High scoring team. Inglourious
• 3:38
  Speaker 1: Stafford with 180. Low scoring team. These and Jigba suck
• 3:42
  Speaker 1: with 106. Closest matchup again. Bad team. Silence of the Lambs.
• 3:46
  Speaker 1: 3 point difference. And the official. RZFA how did you
• 3:51
  Speaker 1: lose that award. Goes to. Allen cooked my rice. Really
• 3:56
  Speaker 1: should have won that Sunday night man. I'm just saying. Now.
• 4:02
  Speaker 1: Breaking news from the RZFA Transaction Center. The phones are ringing,
• 4:07
  Speaker 1: the group chats are active, and at least one owner
• 4:09
  Speaker 1: has convinced himself that giving away a superstar is actually
• 4:12
  Speaker 1: roster construction. Spoiler alert, it was. The headline deal. We
• 4:19
  Speaker 1: had Devante's Inferno trading away Brian Robinson and Dontavian Wicks
• 4:24
  Speaker 1: to Alan Cook-Marais for the Bengals' defense. And then on
• 4:29
  Speaker 1: a lesser note... we had a trade between Devontae's Inferno, shocker,
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  Speaker 1: and Stinky Pitch Chase, the real blockbuster matchup, where Stinky
• 4:44
  Speaker 1: Pitch Chase received Deebo Samuel, Justin Jefferson, Nico Collins, and
• 4:48
  Speaker 1: Jeremiah Love, while Devontae's Inferno received Derrick Henry, Devontae Smith,
• 4:53
  Speaker 1: and Jamar Chase. When asked for a quote on the trade,
• 4:59
  Speaker 1: Here is what the league owner slash GM of Stinky
• 5:03
  Speaker 1: Pitch Chase had to say. I'm just trying to keep
• 5:06
  Speaker 1: it fun and interesting. A lot of people get caught
• 5:09
  Speaker 1: up in winning or losing. I have a friend who's
• 5:12
  Speaker 1: in another league and they just refuse to trade with
• 5:14
  Speaker 1: each other because no one wants to be seen as
• 5:16
  Speaker 1: a loser. But I think everyone in the league is
• 5:20
  Speaker 1: the loser at that point. And I very much agree.
• 5:23
  Speaker 1: This is why I like to trade. I don't care.
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  Speaker 1: I lose a lot. I win a little. But at
• 5:29
  Speaker 1: the end of the day, I'm having fun here, and
• 5:31
  Speaker 1: I will continue to have fun. Also, to the owner
• 5:37
  Speaker 1: who offered me, when I still had Justin Jefferson, Josh Downs,
• 5:41
  Speaker 1: and Chris Godwin, thank you for that. The league really
• 5:46
  Speaker 1: needed the content. Now we turn our attention to the
• 5:50
  Speaker 1: battlefield with this week's matchups. This week's RZFA schedule is
• 5:55
  Speaker 1: absolutely loaded. Maybe even be dangerous. and almost certainly going
• 6:00
  Speaker 1: to produce at least one owner saying, well, I would
• 6:03
  Speaker 1: have won if... And that won't be me. Either way,
• 6:07
  Speaker 1: the matchup of the week. Yet again, Devontae's Inferno is
• 6:10
  Speaker 1: in the marquee matchup going up against Not Likely to Win.
• 6:13
  Speaker 1: Not only is Devontae's Inferno looking to get its first
• 6:16
  Speaker 1: win of the season, but it's also looking for revenge
• 6:20
  Speaker 1: for having to cut the grass one too many times
• 6:22
  Speaker 1: as a kid. I fully expect Devontae's Inferno to get
• 6:26
  Speaker 1: their first win. Otherwise, there will be another locker room incident.
• 6:30
  Speaker 1: The undercard matchup of the week, we have Xavier Ferguson's
• 6:33
  Speaker 1: Colt going up against Silence of the Lambs in a
• 6:35
  Speaker 1: father-son matchup. Xavier Ferguson's Colt just needs a good performance,
• 6:41
  Speaker 1: while Silence of the Lambs really needs to just not
• 6:43
  Speaker 1: fucking blow another Monday night. My official RZFA broadcast prediction,
• 6:48
  Speaker 1: Silence of the Lambs will see the victory. Rest of
• 6:52
  Speaker 1: the matchups this week, we have Stinky Pits Chase going
• 6:55
  Speaker 1: up against Ethan Jigba's Suck. We have bad team going
• 6:58
  Speaker 1: up against Drake in what is projected to be the
• 7:01
  Speaker 1: most lopsided matchup of the week. We have the Inglourious
• 7:04
  Speaker 1: Staffords going up against None Strange with Mike Dicker in
• 7:06
  Speaker 1: what is the closest matchup of the week, 133-132 projected.
• 7:11
  Speaker 1: Then lastly, we have the last undefeated team off to
• 7:14
  Speaker 1: see the Rizzler going up against Alan Cooked My Rice.
• 7:18
  Speaker 1: And now, the moment that everyone has been waiting for.
• 7:22
  Speaker 1: The moment that will create and destroy friendships and potentially
• 7:26
  Speaker 1: result in somebody leaving the league chat. The first official
• 7:29
  Speaker 1: RZFA power rankings. These rankings consider record, scoring, roster strength,
• 7:37
  Speaker 1: recent performance, transactions, and one completely unscientific category I like
• 7:42
  Speaker 1: to call the vibes. Coming in at number 12, we
• 7:46
  Speaker 1: have bad team. Bad running backs. Bad wide receivers. bad indeed.
• 7:54
  Speaker 1: Coming in at number 11, we have These Injigbas Suck.
• 7:57
  Speaker 1: These Injigbas really do suck. It's really just literally JSN
• 8:00
  Speaker 1: and the 2007 Cleveland Cavaliers. Coming in at number 10,
• 8:04
  Speaker 1: we have Alan Cooked My Rice. The rice ain't the
• 8:08
  Speaker 1: only thing here that's cooked, let me tell you. Coming
• 8:11
  Speaker 1: in at number 9, we have The Inglourious Staffords. Fake, fraudulent,
• 8:24
  Speaker 1: I don't care. This is a fake team. Coming in
• 8:27
  Speaker 1: at number 8, we have Xavier Ferguson's Colts. Now I know.
• 8:31
  Speaker 1: How is a 2-1 team sitting at number 8? Well,
• 8:34
  Speaker 1: let's be real. They were lucky to win last week.
• 8:37
  Speaker 1: In week 1, they had a fake David Montgomery performance.
• 8:40
  Speaker 1: I'm not buying into them at all. Now, coming in
• 8:45
  Speaker 1: at number 7. And I realize this might ruffle some feathers.
• 8:49
  Speaker 1: And you know what? That's okay. Okay. Because this is
• 8:52
  Speaker 1: what I got to say to all of you. Devontae's
• 8:57
  Speaker 1: Inferno is coming in at number 7. Now I know
• 8:59
  Speaker 1: they're winless. And it's really a do or die matchup
• 9:05
  Speaker 1: this week. But look at that roster construction. This is
• 9:08
  Speaker 1: a result of all the manic trading that my GM
• 9:11
  Speaker 1: has done. My GM has personally guaranteed me a victory
• 9:15
  Speaker 1: this week. Look at that roster. Devontae's Inferno coming in
• 9:19
  Speaker 1: at number 7. Now, we have Silence of the Lambs
• 9:24
  Speaker 1: coming in at number 6. Could be 3-0, but Monday nights.
• 9:31
  Speaker 1: Coming in at number 5, we have Stinky Pits Chase.
• 9:34
  Speaker 1: Another trade that went down under the radar was between
• 9:37
  Speaker 1: Stinky Pits Chase and These Injuries Must Suck, with Stinky
• 9:40
  Speaker 1: Pits Chase trading Trevor Lawrence for Drake in Schedule May.
• 9:45
  Speaker 1: Will the schedule derail his season? Coming in at number 4,
• 9:49
  Speaker 1: we have Not likely to win. Good team, but with
• 9:55
  Speaker 1: a loss of Devon a chain and having two Giants
• 9:58
  Speaker 1: players having to rely on James Winston and nine times
• 10:01
  Speaker 1: to derail coming in at number three we have done
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  Speaker 1: strange with my dicker only thing strange is how is
• 10:08
  Speaker 1: this team two and one coming in at number two
• 10:11
  Speaker 1: we have golf to see the Rizzler three you know
• 10:14
  Speaker 1: last undefeated team in the league but they are in
• 10:16
  Speaker 1: running back how now Coming in at number 1, we
• 10:23
  Speaker 1: have Drake. 2-1, but look at that roster. That is
• 10:30
  Speaker 1: a talented roster, I will say. But enjoy it now.
• 10:36
  Speaker 1: It might not last that long. Now, one more time
• 10:42
  Speaker 1: from the bottom. We have Bad Team at 12. We
• 10:45
  Speaker 1: have These and Jigba Suck at 11. Alan Cook, My
• 10:49
  Speaker 1: Rights at 10. The Inglourious Staffords at 9. Xavier Ferguson's
• 10:58
  Speaker 1: Cult at 8. Devante's Inferno at 7. Silence of the
• 11:04
  Speaker 1: Lambs at 6. Stinky Pitch Chase at number 5. Not
• 11:19
  Speaker 1: likely to win, at four. None strange with my dicker,
• 11:24
  Speaker 1: at three. Go off to see the Rizzler, at two.
• 11:29
  Speaker 1: And lastly, one more time, Drake, at one. The league
• 11:36
  Speaker 1: office has watched the tape, consulted the numbers, consulted the vibes,
• 11:41
  Speaker 1: and consulted absolutely nobody else. Once again, congratulations to Drake
• 11:48
  Speaker 1: for being the inaugural number one team in the RZFA.
• 11:55
  Speaker 1: And that'll do it for the inaugural broadcast of RZFA Radio.
• 12:00
  Speaker 1: We've covered the wins, the losses, the trades, the questionable decisions,
• 12:04
  Speaker 1: and the increasingly fragile mental state of this association's commissioner.
• 12:12
  Speaker 1: Next week we will be back with more league news,
• 12:14
  Speaker 1: more receipts, more rankings, and if the fantasy gods are merciful,
• 12:18
  Speaker 1: another collection of terrible decisions to discuss. Until then, set
• 12:23
  Speaker 1: your lineups, check your injuries, make your trades, and remember
• 12:27
  Speaker 1: the only law that matters. The road runs through the
• 12:31
  Speaker 1: red zone.