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Sober Talk SA - Ivan · Sober Talk SA

0:00
Welcome to sober talk. I'm Dennis and I've lived
0:03
experience of alcohol. If you or anyone you know is
0:06
struggling with alcohol, please call Alcoholics Anonymous on
0:10
1300 double 22222 or check out their website on aa.org dot AU.
0:19
I'll just run through the preamble of Alcoholics
0:21
Anonymous. Alcoholics Anonymous is a
0:24
fellowship of men and women who share their experience,
0:27
strengthen hope with each other. They must solve their come
0:30
problems and help others to recover from alcoholism.
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The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop
0:37
drinking. There are no dues or fees for
0:39
AIR membership. We are self supporting through
0:41
our own contributions. AIR is not allied with any SEC
0:45
denomination, politics, organization or institution,
0:49
Does not wish to engage in any controversy, neither endorses or
0:53
oppose any causes. Our primary purpose is stir soap
0:57
and help other Alcoholics achieve sobriety.
1:00
Hi. My name's Ivan and I'm an
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alcoholic. I picked up a a drink at the age
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of 1415 and I drank it fairly quickly and it came up just
1:14
about as quickly. And all I can remember from way
1:18
back then was that I was kicked out of the car that I was
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travelling in and hugging A stabby poll and just puking my
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insides out. And you'd think of an experience
1:34
like that would maybe make you think twice about having a a
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second drink, but it didn't. All it really did was so I
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thought taught me that wine wasn't for me.
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It was a red wine. So I drank beer throughout my
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teens and it always seemed that whenever I drank, I got drunk,
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but I never thought of it. And throughout my drinking,
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there were, there were many times that I would question why
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I was in such a position with Duis, jail time.
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But I would never question the drinking.
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It was always something else. I used to think maybe it was the
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people I was drinking with, or maybe it was the pub that I was
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drinking in, or maybe it was the actual alcohol.
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Maybe if I changed it to from beer to spirits, or maybe it was
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the gin. It's always something, always
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trying to giving myself an excuse so I could go back
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drinking, but never actually realising that I carried on
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drinking for the majority of my life up until I was 46 years
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old. In that time I acquired 4 DUI.
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In the last DUI I was 3 1/2 years without license and the
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first year of that I I drank and drove because I couldn't stop
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drinking. Whenever I was drinking, I had
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to have more and when I wasn't drinking, I just thought about
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drinking. It was a it was a merry go
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round. It was a constant getting the
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money to get the drink, to get drunk, to get over being drunk,
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to get the money and it just kept going and going.
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I heard a man in recovery once say that the more he drank, the
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thirstier he got. I related to that.
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I know when I when I started really heavy drinking and and
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and the binge drinking was getting closer together when I
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started it around about 26. So therefore drank for a solid
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as an alcoholic for 20 years. When I at that time in 26, I was
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married. I had a full time job, I had two
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kids, mortgage, two hours garage, two cars and by the time
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I finished drinking at 46, I was on the street.
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I'd lost absolutely everything and the main thing that I lost
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was my self esteem and myself. Worth.
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I was worth nothing. I was worthless, useless,
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hopeless. When I came into recovery and I
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came in sort of like through a back door, I, I tried, I got in
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contact with Lifeline and they were no help.
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They said all my problems stemmed from drinking, so I
5:18
needed to address that. But that wasn't helping me with
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all my life problems that I had wasn't ready to address my
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drinking. It didn't seem any way out.
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The drinking was getting worse. The, the results of drinking
5:38
were getting worse and, and what I was chasing, the effect that I
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was chasing just wasn't there anymore.
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And I'd done a fair few detoxes, which was good for detoxing the
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body, but it did nothing about the mind.
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So therefore physically I would improve.
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But I still had the same head, the same way of thinking, the
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same thoughts, so same way of dealing with life.
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And really most of my latter years of drinking, I was just
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escaping. On my final detox, I said to
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them that it just wasn't working and I needed something more.
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And they, they got a couple of different counsellors to come
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down and assess me, one from a drug rehab and one from alcohol
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rehab. Because the last four months
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before going into detox, I didn't have a drink because I
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was on the marijuana maintenance program.
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I was trying to get myself so stoned so that I couldn't get
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out of the seat and go to the pub because there was a lot of,
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there was a lot of violence in my drinking.
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And, and towards the latter years, the violence was more
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aimed at me than me aiming at two others.
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And these two councillors came down and 1 I don't remember, but
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I, I remember the, the particular one was because I had
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so many drugs and alcohol in my system and, and, and I'd just
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been escaping with anything I could use.
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And I didn't see that. I, all I saw is I had a problem.
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I didn't see any difference between drug addiction and
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alcoholism. I'd had a problem.
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And this one councillor said if I put everything on a wall in
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front of you, drink, drugs, sex, food, gambling, and you listed a
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whole bunch of things and you said if, if there was no
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consequence, what would you go for 1st?
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And I went, oh, get the alcohol. I said OK, you're an alcoholic,
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you come up to our rehab. I didn't give a rat's what I was
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at the time. I just didn't know it.
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But I was reaching out for help, for somebody to do it for me
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because I couldn't do it myself. And that's what I still believe
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today. His rehabs seem to be 4.
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I was very fortunate that there was an A, a member as one of the
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councillors in that rehab. As much as he wasn't allowed to
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practice a A, he would always come in with a word or or a
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sentence here and there. And he definitely made me think.
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And at times I really wanted to jab in one because some of the
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stuff he said really got to me. And yeah, annoyed me, hurt me,
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whatever. But it made me think.
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And he was smart enough to just come in and go real quick.
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Just give me a quick jab, I'm gone.
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And I did five months in that rehab and I got physically well.
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And I wouldn't say mentally well, but I got some of my
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mental capacity back and I watched a guy that was in the
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rehab with me who I didn't quite much like, but he seemed to be
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getting Weller and I was getting sicker.
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And we were doing exactly the same things when we're doing our
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exercises. We were fishing, we were riding
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push bikes and reading, watching telly, doing, doing just about
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everything the same. But as I said, he was getting
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Weller and I was getting sicker and he was going to a A and I
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wasn't, I had no idea what a A was about.
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So I went along to with him one one night to a meeting and I
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don't remember who was there. I don't remember what was said.
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But I went back the following week and I got questioned a bit
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further down the track as to why I I keep coming back to that
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meeting. I'd only do him one a week after
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I thought about it a while I thought because I feel a bit
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better when I leave and he said you want to feel better twice a
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week. Nearly clipped in too.
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It was a lot of at that time I thought smart asses in a a but
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they were actually saying stuff I needed to hear.
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I needed to connect with other people that thought the same as
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me, that it may be and similar drinking history.
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Some of the things that some people did, I'd done, some
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people they did, I didn't do. Some of the stuff I did, they
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didn't do. But there was, I could relate.
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And then a clever bloke say to me, well, if you can relate to
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their, their drunk history, maybe you can relate to some of
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their recovery, some of what they're doing might be able to
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help you. And I kept going, I kept
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listening and I still, I still struggled with what it was.
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I was hearing a lot of it wasn't memorable and it was mostly
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because of the damage done from the drink.
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I wasn't remembering much of anything.
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There was not a lot of retention in my early recovery.
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It's still it's improved, but it it it was pretty shot in the
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early days. But the the best thing I did in
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early recovery was I kept coming back.
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I kept an open mind and I didn't pick up a drink and each day
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added to another day. Then it became a week and then a
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week. All the weeks mounted up and
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I've got months and months became years all the way along.
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I'm I'm re educating. I had a chap say to me one time
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because I'm, I'm, I'm a tradie instead of how, how long did it
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take you to learn your trade? I said, oh, apprenticeship was
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about five years. He said, we'll spend five years
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working on yourself. And I thought that's, that makes
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sense. You know, like I start off not
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knowing much of anything and in five years time I would have
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learnt the trade on myself. I've kept sticking around and I
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know today that because of all the the things that I have
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experienced through my drinking history, I know today that
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people will relate to what it is I'm saying.
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Not everybody, but some people will relate to something that
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I'm saying, I say. And therefore, if if I've been
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able to stay sober one day at a time for some years now, then so
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can you. There is, there is hope.
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If you're questioning whether you're an alcoholic, just do the
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simple things of keep coming back and don't pick up a first
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drink and keep an open mind and see what comes about.
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That's it from me for now. Thanks.
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Bye. Thanks Ivan for the great share.
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Now a little extra. Hi, my name is Shane, I'm an
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alcoholic. My name is John and I'm an
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alcoholic. My name is Jane.
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Jax, my name. Hi, I'm Claire.
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Hi, my name is Paul and I'm an alcoholic.
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We would drink until the early hours of the morning, you know,
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and then get hungover the following day and then get up
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and do it all again, go out to a lunchtime session and continue
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on. And it, and I remember cracking
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a beer at about 6:00 in the morning as we went out, you
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know, and Saturdays were totally wiped out because that was that
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was our drinking day. And that's what we did.
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And we did a lot of it. When I found alcohol, it gave me
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the biggest, I don't know, thrill, excitement.
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I loved the taste of it and I loved the effect of it.
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I didn't have to think anymore and I could bury the pain
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underneath it all. I joined a company that your
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expense account was basically unlimited and you got into
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trouble if you didn't use it. So I drank it like most people,
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and I made sure that I was trusted, because if you drank,
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you would trust. I'm a person that should never
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ever have picked up the first drink.
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I'd seen what alcohol had done to destroy my father.
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As a practicing alcoholic, the one thing that I remember about
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his drinking is the fear that I experienced when he drank.
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He was just so unpredictable and I've out and declared from a
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very young age that I would never, ever drink like my
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father. I knew from my very first drink
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that it had a profound effect on me.
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I felt differently after I'd had that first drink.
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Can't remember much of the night except for sitting on a church
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door talking to a frog and I and I remember my mum took me as
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well to see the diviners when I was about 14 and she even bought
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me drinks at the Lismore Workers club and that's just how I was
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brought up. I used to line up a couple of
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glasses at 12:00 on the bar and I'd have two straight shots of,
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well, I guess it doesn't really matter what it was, but I'd have
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them there and, and a double Scotch and coke.
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And I used to wait until midday before I'd put them straight
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down. And that was me.
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I, I wasn't an alcoholic because I could wait till midday.
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That was just one of the thousands of excuses I had for
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my behaviour and for my drinking.
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And not only admitted I was an alcoholic, I accepted the fact
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that I was an alcoholic. I tried so many times to get rid
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of those things that were causing me issues, but I didn't
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know how to do it, you know, I tried the church, I tried going
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and confessing to a priest and, and I tried all sorts and
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nothing, nothing happened. I got a sponsor who agreed to
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help me through the steps and I did that Step 1 completely and
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honestly I should never have to go back and change anything
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about that first step when? Did I realize that my life had
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become a manageable? I think for me, actually coming
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into a A and listening to that first member who came to my
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house and shared with me and gone through and doing the steps
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and he said to me, look and see where your life has become a
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manage. And in so many areas, so many
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areas, my life had become a manageable.
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I would say each day I am not going to go to the box shop and
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I swear every day my car drove itself to the bottle shop and I
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would go to the bottle shop and I'll get a couple of bottles of
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whatever and I would continue to drink.
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But I used to sit on my kitchen floor as I had done a lot
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throughout my drinking. My kitchen floor was always a
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place that I would sit and get smashed on and I would go over
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all the awful things that had happened to me and what I didn't
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have and what was Claire, you know?
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Somebody saved me throughout the years and my drinking, 25 years
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of it and I don't know how I wasn't killed, run over,
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damaged. Something was watching me.
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Something was watching over me, I believe, and I always seemed
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to make it home and I always seemed to be OK.
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As soon as I walked in the a a room, I saw God on the wall and
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all these people smiling and I was thinking, Oh my God, they've
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got to be on something. This has got to be some sort of
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cult and they were being so nice to me and no one had been nice
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to me for so long. And at the end they wanted to
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hold my hand and chanting this weird stuff about God and trying
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to take my money and I'm like no, this is so not for me.
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So I got the lady that took me to the meeting.
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I got her to drop me off at my pretend friend's house near the
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pub so I could go to the pub. And I got drunk straight away,
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went home and my husband and he goes, jeez, A A was good for you
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too, wasn't it? I used to go to church, you
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know, and then Dad passed away. So I figured that God had taken
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my father away and he was a prick and so I didn't want
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nothing to do with him. But today I I have a power
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greater than me and it serves me well.
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When my sponsor explained to me there was a moral inventory of
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both negative and positive aspects of my life, I never
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believed that I had too much positiveness in my life at that
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time. Every, everything was negative.
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You know, we sat down and we started to write out some of
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this as much as of the past as I could, both negative and
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positive. And I found that as bad as it
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was, it probably wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.
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I felt like I was not contributing anything.
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I felt like I was worthless. And at that time, I thought the
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world would be a better place if I wasn't in it, you know?
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And Tony would say to me, you don't even keep the place clean.
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And I remember thinking, nobody ever comes to visit me, you
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know, so why should I keep the place clean?
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I was frightened to answer the door.
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I was frightened to answer the telephone.
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I lived in this little world with myself and my son.
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And yeah, and it wasn't a nice place to step. 4 was very
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difficult because I had a lot of people to make amends to, people
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I'd heard in the family, people I'd heard outside the family.
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I'd done Step 4 four times. The last time I did it, I
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finally understood what it meant because it wasn't cleaning out
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all the nasties out of the cupboard.
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The last time I did it, it was a thorough, thorough job.
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Once I'd realized that I couldn't do this myself, then
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then I began to accept the help and it took me months to months
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to get through my list to to put it together.
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I didn't realize there was so much there.
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Tried doing it on my own for six weeks and I couldn't.
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I was just going even crazier. I need someone to help me.
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No one understands you probably don't want to talk to me after
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me ditching you last time. But she was so happy to hear
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from me and it was then that I really listened to what she had
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to say and and I was ready. I was 100% committed to wanting
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to be sober and to live a new life and I was ready to do
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anything. I would have done push ups if
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she told me to. 2 1/2 hours and a lot of pain and then on the
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Step 5 and that's when the pain started to be released.
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And by the end of step five, it was like I was walking on a
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cloud, you know, it was amazing. I just felt so light and so free
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and. He was a person who was a member
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of this fellowship and more importantly, he was a member
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that I trusted. I didn't want my behaviour to be
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broadcast around the community or around through a A and I felt
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as though that I could trust this person not to do.
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Talking to someone else about this, I had to ask him if he was
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ready, not if I was ready. That was one big list.
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But I was ready too, and I desperately wanted to have God
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remove all those defects of character.
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Desperately wanted that. I needed that.
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And it wasn't that anybody else knew, it was just that I knew.
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And I picked up a drink again and I just went right back from
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where I had come, you know, nothing had changed.
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And all the misery, all the lying, the deceit, all of that
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came straight back the bed, wetting the whole lot, you know,
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And it was awful. Injure them or others.
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And I was talking to a chap who had a lot of years up, 27 years
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up, sobriety up, and he said to me, listen here, you silly young
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bastard, you're one of the others.
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So you don't tell somebody that you went and jumped the fence
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and forked their missus because you're going to get a flogging
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out of it. Got to remember that you are one
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of the others and it says when they injure them or others.
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And that doesn't mean physical pain.
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It could be mental, it could be anything.
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I had nowhere else to go, you know, I knew that I could not do
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it on my own and I moved down to Melbourne and after 10 months I
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eventually came back into a A and I asked somebody to be my
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sponsor and they took me through the steps and that's where I
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stayed one day at a time since then, you know, and it is just a
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fantastic place to be. I would not swap it for the
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world. There are some people that I
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haven't had a chance yet to make amends to, but this is what I
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love about this program. I am willing, I really AM, and
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that's part of my healing process and that's what works
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for me. They don't know about it, they
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don't even care. They're oblivious, but I'm ready
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and I love this program. I love these words except where
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to do so would injure them or others.
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Becoming willing, I think that's the key thing.
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I had travelled and a lot of these people I knew I wasn't
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going to meet straight away but over the years I have met them,
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you know, and I have fronted up and I have apologised in places
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that I needed to apologise, you know.
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And so that's where my journey started with the A, A program
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and I've been six years sober now.
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It's the happiest I've ever been in my whole life.
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The fog lifted finally after a couple of years and another
23:44
couple of years, I started to embrace life and just live life
23:50
to the fullest. A A taught me to live one day at
23:53
a time and that's what really got me.
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My life is just tremendous. It's given me back the love and
23:58
respect of a couple of kids that I so richly deserve to lose, you
24:01
know, and it's given me a tremendous way of life.
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And as good as my life is today, as good as it is, I don't delude
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myself that I'm cured. It's all still out there waiting
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for me for the price of 1 drink. If I pick up one drink, I'll go
24:18
back far further than I've ever been in my life and I honestly
24:22
believe that I would never get back to this fellowship.
24:24
My life would be very short lived if I ever decide to wander
24:28
away and do it my way. I'm probably not that good at
24:34
taking personal inventory, but I have some amazing friends who
24:38
will help me do it. They're very quick to point out
24:41
these things I need to work on. And and that's just again,
24:45
another thing I love about the program, the people just helping
24:50
you every step of the way. What more could you possibly
24:53
want to get your life packed together?
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I have reached a calm and a quietness that I never ever
25:02
thought that I would reach. And, and it is absolutely
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beautiful. I know that there's been times
25:07
when I have been struggling with certain things and I've
25:10
struggled and struggled and struggled and then suddenly this
25:14
calm has come over me and, and you know, I felt that it'll be
25:17
all right kind of feeling and it has been all right.
25:21
The main thing is I haven't had to pick up a drink to lessen the
25:26
pain and when I get that humble feeling, I feel better within
25:31
myself. Life has changed.
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I can't live life without alcohol.
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Life is fun. I now have joy back.
25:39
I don't want a suicide anymore. I take care of myself and it's
25:44
one day at a time and it's the best I can do.
25:48
Today I have a great family and I have great friends and I don't
25:52
have the need to go out and drink, so for that I'm truly
25:55
grateful. The only time that I think drink
25:58
and it's not about having a drink is when I get over tired.
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And you people have educated me to the fact that I shouldn't
26:03
allow myself to get over tired, over thirsty or over hungry.
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But sometimes I do. And if I get over tired, you
26:12
know, I start to think if you walk past a pub or a club or a
26:15
dive and you get the waft of that style booze that comes out
26:18
of those places, you hear the clinkling of the glasses and the
26:22
murmur of those highly intelligent conversations.
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And I know that I'm in trouble when I'm in that frame of mind.
26:28
So it's not rocket science. You people have educated me to
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the fact that I go home, have a lie down, regroup and start
26:36
again. I don't really know how else to
26:41
say it other than the fact that this program has saved my life.
26:46
It's it's given me hope again. It's given me belief.
26:52
It's given me happiness. Friends, my family have come
26:56
back into my life. Things are just happening now
26:59
that I've even better than I even dreamed the possible true.
27:06
And I truly believe 100% without a doubt that it is because of
27:12
this program, because of these 12 steps that has made for me a
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life and a life worth living. And for that I will just forever
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be grateful. Yeah, a, a just really changed
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everything for me and to have such a great sponsor to take me
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through the steps and to to guide me at the beginning was
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just amazing because I definitely couldn't do it on my
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own. It's just a tremendous way of
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life and I our law to Alcoholics Anonymous.
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We have local meetings for the full week in the local area.
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Monday is Gala meeting at 8:00, Tuesday is Elizabeth E at 8:00,
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Wednesday is Elizabeth E at 8:00, Thursday is 2 Wells at
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8:00 and Friday is Salisbury at 8:00.
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There's a meeting at Devron Park at 12:00 and on Sunday there's a
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maintenance Salisbury at 7:00 and many of the meetings in the
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area. For details of your local
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meetings, please phone 1300 double 22222.
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And once again, if anyone you know is struggling with alcohol
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issues, please call Alcoholics Anonymous on 1300 double 22222.
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The website isaasa.org dot AU.