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Be Kind to Yourself: The Power of Self-Compassion · Talking FACS

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  Welcome to Talking FACS, what you need to know about family,
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  food, finance, and fitness.
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  This nationally recognized, award-winning podcast is hosted by the University
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  of Kentucky Family and Consumer Sciences Extension Program.
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  Our educators share research knowledge with individuals, families,
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  and communities to improve quality of life.
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  If you are like most people, you probably give grace to everyone around you,
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  but the person that you forget to give grace to is yourself.
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  Welcome to Talking FACs, where we share research-based information that you
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  can use to strengthen yourself, your family, and your community.
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  I am your host, Mindy McCulley, Extension Specialist for Instructional Support
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  with Family and Consumer Sciences Extension at the University of Kentucky.
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  My guests today are Dr. Natese Dockery, Assistant Clinical Professor for Mental
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  Health and Well-Being, and Amy Rodquist-Kodet, who is a health coach with
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  UK Health and Wellness. Welcome to you both.
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  Happy to be here, Mindy. Hi, thanks so much for having me.
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  Our topic today is self-compassion and what that really means,
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  and I am so glad that we're going to talk about this because,
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  as I mentioned, we probably are most hard on ourselves.
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  So we're going to talk about how we can really be more forgiving of ourselves.
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  So what does self-compassion mean to you, and why is it important for our overall well-being?
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  I found self-compassion during
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  the pandemic and I had heard of it before
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  just kind of peripherally but a couple
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  months before it all shut down I had surprise twins, we had recently relocated
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  to a different state, and I was working from home. I had a teenage daughter it
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  was the world just truly felt personally and the world at large,
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  like it was falling apart.
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  And it was so overwhelming.
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  My life felt so overwhelming. And I remember hearing a podcast with Dr.
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  Kristen Neff and Chris Germer, who are some of the premier researchers when
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  it comes to self-compassion.
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  And I remember just being in my kitchen and thinking, yeah, I've got to give this
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  a try because I'm at my wit's end.
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  Even though I'm a wellness professional, I have my master's in holistic health.
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  Like, I know all the things, but this one was different. It was new,
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  and I really wanted to check it out.
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  And so, I guess to answer your question, this idea of self-compassion for me.
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  Is about remembering, you know, kind of at its core.
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  It's like this returning home to my own goodness, to my own,
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  you know, present self, especially when I'm in the midst of struggle.
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  Like self-compassion has the capacity to turn this criticism and the self-judgment
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  into more kindness and more tenderness.
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  And it's this idea of like meeting our pain with more presence.
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  Something for me, it softens inside.
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  And I think my big takeaway is I realize I don't have to be perfect to be worthy
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  of my own care and my own connection.
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  Because like you said, Mindy, we are so much more likely to respond to a dear
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  friend, even a stranger, with more kindness and compassion than we turn to ourselves.
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  So, for me, it's this idea of what can I do to help calm my nervous system,
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  to steady my mind, to open my heart.
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  All of those things happen when I practice self-compassion.
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  So, why do you think it's easier for people to be kind to others than it is
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  for us to be kind to ourselves?
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  I think most of us were taught to be kind outwardly, right?
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  To care for other people, to be polite, to help, to give assistance,
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  but we weren't taught that that same tenderness can belong to us too.
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  And I think there's a fear, Dr. Kristin Neff talks about this in the research,
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  there's this fear that being kind to ourselves might make us lazy or weak or
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  that self-criticism will somehow make us less,
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  you know, or self-criticism will make us more accountable. that things will be more actionable.
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  But the truth is, that inner critic that disconnects us from our own growth,
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  it really stifles our ability to, you know, real transformation.
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  Transformation happens when we feel safe, when our inner environment is kind.
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  And to be honest, to allow ourselves to make mistakes because we're human.
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  And that's where self-compassion can really live.
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  So Natese, from a mental health perspective, how can practicing self-compassion
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  impact our emotional well-being?
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  Self-compassion kind of positively impacts our emotional well-being by reducing
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  things like anxiety and depression and kind of increasing our emotional resilience
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  and fostering a more stable sense of self-worth.
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  As Amy kind of touched on, it's really thinking about how can I be kinder to
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  myself, not really criticize myself, which I am very guilty of doing all of the time.
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  But like I said, it kind of involves treating yourself to kindness,
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  understanding all of those things that you would do toward a friend,
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  a family member, or even a stranger, as we've kind of discussed.
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  It helps us in managing those negative emotions, challenging self-criticism,
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  and just promoting overall personal growth.
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  Because that's what it's all about at the end of the day, really improving ourselves
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  in whatever aspects that it can be.
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  So reducing those negative emotions, increasing emotional resilience,
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  and providing just healthier coping mechanisms in general.
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  So do you have some simple strategies
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  to help us start being more self-compassionate in our everyday lives?
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  Yeah. One thing that I do a lot is positive affirmation.
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  So it could be as simple as writing something on a sticky note and sticking
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  it on your mirror and it's the first thing that you see in the morning.
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  It could be as simple as, I am great. I am love. I am kind.
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  All of these simple little notes to remind yourself that you are this great
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  person and that you can do great things.
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  And that you are doing great things. Another one is meditation.
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  I am actually on a streak right now.
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  I've been on and off meditating for years now, but I just hit 91 days consecutively
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  this morning, actually.
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  So doing meditation, I know a very big one is the loving kindness meditation.
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  So again, reminding yourself, may I be safe, may I be love, all of these different
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  positive notes to yourself.
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  Then journaling, I do a lot of journaling too. having a mental health background.
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  I know the importance of that.
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  And then as simple as writing a letter to yourself, to your past self,
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  to your present self, to your future self, reminding yourself of all of the
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  goodness that you have to share with the world.
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  I would say for me, a simple way that I try to practice every day,
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  because you get a lot of opportunity to do it, is when you start to notice that inner critic,
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  yip, yip, yip, yipping at your brain, right?
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  This little voice inside of you saying, that's never going to work. You suck.
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  This is going to be a disaster. Like all of those things, right,
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  that our brain tells us as a way to try to keep us safe, right?
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  That's what our brain is just trying to do.
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  But to begin by just, like, noticing, noticing, like, man, I'm really scared.
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  I'm really overwhelmed. I'm, you know, whatever it is, right,
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  is just noticing that you're in pain, noticing when you're scared,
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  noticing when you're anxious, and just pausing and seeing if you can name it
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  for yourself of, like, man, this is so hard.
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  I'm just, like, in it right now. I'm in the middle of struggle.
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  And then, like Natese was saying too, just offering yourself some kind words
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  of like, okay, take a breath.
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  May I be gentle with myself.
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  And often, like some sort of hand gesture, like a gentle hand motion.
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  So for me, I'm doing it right now, actually, like both hands to the heart.
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  You can put both hands on the belly. anything that
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  feels like a comforting touch can begin to soothe
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  that that body stress response right
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  and kind of bring that parasympathetic nervous system or calm response
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  back online it doesn't take long it can
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  be like 10 seconds of like stop notice recognize how you're feeling offer yourself
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  some words of comfort and some some gentle kind of affirmation and it's incredible
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  what a difference that can make in your overall response to a really hard thing.
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  I think these are all such moving strategies that are simple and can make.
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  Incredible difference in how you feel. As you are talking about them,
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  I see the difference in your face as you make the gesture or say the words. So I see the difference.
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  If listeners could have one takeaway message about self-compassion,
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  what would each of you say that your takeaway would be?
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  I would say that it's not selfish.
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  It's not selfish to take care of yourself. It's not selfish to remind yourself
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  that it's okay for me to be kind to myself.
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  It's okay for me to be kind to others and myself.
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  It's not an either or. It's a both and. I can be kind to you and I can be kind to myself.
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  It's not selfish. It's actually good for you and your overall well-being.
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  Oh, yeah. That's right on. I would piggyback on top of that and say that self-compassion,
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  I know this is going to sound a bit counterintuitive,
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  but self-compassion isn't about trying to get rid of the pain, right?
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  It's really about being with yourself in the midst of it.
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  So when you are in the midst of the frenzy and the struggle and the heartache,
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  it's about how do you allow yourself to be there and to hold it with tenderness
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  instead of judgment and criticism. So it's not like this place you arrive.
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  Sorry, bad news. I don't think we ever arrive at this place of,
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  like, I don't know, self-compassion utopia.
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  But it's really something that you practice, that you remember as a way of,
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  like, turning towards yourself in the toughest times and not abandoning yourself as best you can.
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  Practice doesn't make perfect, but practice makes peace.
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  Beautiful. Yeah. I love that.
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  Okay, so thank you both for the time that you have spent with me today.
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  I have gotten a lot from what you've had to say, and I know that our listeners
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  will as well. Thank you. Thanks for having me.
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  And to our listeners, if you are just tuning in, you are listening to Talking FACS.
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  We are a production of Family Consumer Sciences from the Martin-Gatton College
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  of Agriculture, Food and Environment.
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  And you can find us wherever you listen to your favorite podcast.
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  Thank you for listening to Talking FACS. We deliver programs focusing on nutrition,
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