Latest / The D.L. Hughley Show / DLHS Hour 2 | Jasmine’s Diary

Transcript

DLHS Hour 2 | Jasmine’s Diary · The D.L. Hughley Show

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: You know, I got a chance to get on a
• 0:01
  Speaker 1: cruise Wednesday.
• 0:03
  Speaker 2: How was it?
• 0:04
  Speaker 1: Thursday. It was very cool. It was a dope ass boat.
• 0:08
  Speaker 1: I hung out with Ricky for a little while. My
• 0:10
  Speaker 1: five brothers were very dope.
• 0:11
  Speaker 3: It was beautiful.
• 0:12
  Speaker 2: Oh, that's awesome.
• 0:13
  Speaker 1: I got on and got right off. Then I went
• 0:16
  Speaker 1: to Chicago with Don Lemon at the Chicago Theater, which
• 0:20
  Speaker 1: was a lot of fun. After the show, we were
• 0:22
  Speaker 1: taking pictures in front of the theater because Don, you know,
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: he's never, this is, you know, everything's new to him.
• 0:27
  Speaker 3: Oh, gosh.
• 0:28
  Speaker 2: It's like Christmas every day for him. And he's like, man,
• 0:30
  Speaker 2: my name is on the marquee. That happens all the time.
• 0:33
  Speaker 4: Oh, wow.
• 0:33
  Speaker 2: Don't do that.
• 0:34
  Speaker 3: It does.
• 0:34
  Speaker 2: Don't burst his bubble like that. I'm just saying. It's
• 0:36
  Speaker 2: been happening to me for 40 years. Let somebody else
• 0:38
  Speaker 2: have a little shine. I did let him have a shine.
• 0:40
  Speaker 2: So it was this homeless dude.
• 0:41
  Speaker 1: He said, man, I love you. Can I take a
• 0:42
  Speaker 1: picture with you? So I'm taking a picture with him.
• 0:44
  Speaker 1: He said, I got a little, a little, can I
• 0:46
  Speaker 1: have some bread? So I give the dude some money.
• 0:50
  Speaker 1: Why is when I'm giving this homeless dude money, a
• 0:52
  Speaker 1: dude runs out of nowhere, snatches it, and runs off?
• 0:55
  Speaker 2: Why did Gino whip his ass? Oh, I know Gino did.
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: First, they hugged me like the president was getting shot.
• 1:02
  Speaker 1: Everybody hugged me and spirited me away. And, man, he
• 1:06
  Speaker 1: proceeded and came back with the corner of the hundred.
• 1:09
  Speaker 1: I believe it.
• 1:10
  Speaker 2: Let me tell you something that I know for sure.
• 1:12
  Speaker 2: Gino is not to be played with. So the homeless
• 1:17
  Speaker 2: dude had the piece of it. Oh, yeah. And so
• 1:19
  Speaker 2: he just, and I ain't going to give you another $ 100, 000.
• 1:21
  Speaker 2: I was about to ask you, did you replace that?
• 1:23
  Speaker 2: That's it. Wait, so you told the homeless dude, like, hey,
• 1:26
  Speaker 2: I'm sorry about that.
• 1:27
  Speaker 1: No, no, I didn't say anything. I didn't, look, I
• 1:30
  Speaker 1: gave you some money. One of your people came and
• 1:32
  Speaker 1: snatched it like piranhas.
• 1:34
  Speaker 2: Almost got you. I'm not doing that again.
• 1:36
  Speaker 1: And I don't even know how you're trying to act
• 1:38
  Speaker 1: like I have anything to do with this.
• 1:40
  Speaker 2: He gave him the bread. They took it.
• 1:42
  Speaker 1: I'm like, I'm not doing this again. That's not what happened.
• 1:45
  Speaker 1: God don't want you to have no bread. That's obvious.
• 1:48
  Speaker 2: That ain't the case. Gino hogged him down. Gino can't
• 1:50
  Speaker 2: wait to get the money back. But he didn't get
• 1:52
  Speaker 2: the money back. He got a corner of it. But
• 1:55
  Speaker 2: you could spend it though, right? He got to have
• 1:57
  Speaker 2: his serial number. Yeah, you got to have the serial number. Yeah,
• 2:00
  Speaker 2: I have that. He has the rest of the money.
• 2:02
  Speaker 2: But I wasn't going to do it again. I just
• 2:05
  Speaker 2: got it back. Here's a little corner. Yeah, here's a corner.
• 2:08
  Speaker 2: That dude just ran out of nowhere.
• 2:10
  Speaker 3: That's horrible. It was horrible.
• 2:11
  Speaker 2: It made me feel bad for him. He's like all crying.
• 2:13
  Speaker 2: But not bad enough to replace it. No, I'm not
• 2:14
  Speaker 2: doing it again. I'm not. I'm not going to sit
• 2:17
  Speaker 2: up there. Not bad enough to replace it. No, not
• 2:19
  Speaker 2: that at all. Did I ever stand there against what happened?
• 2:23
  Speaker 2: I've done the Lord's work. That's it. He don't strike twice.
• 2:25
  Speaker 2: Neither do I.
• 2:26
  Speaker 5: Oh.
• 2:27
  Speaker 6: Wow.
• 2:27
  Speaker 1: It's time to get all up in our business. Let's
• 2:29
  Speaker 1: take a peek into Jasmine's Diary. Either you read it
• 2:32
  Speaker 1: or we share it.
• 2:37
  Speaker 6: I cannot stand being disrespected. And one of the ways
• 2:41
  Speaker 6: that you can disrespect me is to invite me somewhere
• 2:44
  Speaker 6: and not tell me that there are going to be
• 2:46
  Speaker 6: more people present.
• 2:48
  Speaker 2: It's not that I'm selfish.
• 2:49
  Speaker 6: It's just I believe that you ought to let me
• 2:51
  Speaker 6: know who I'm going to be in the company of,
• 2:54
  Speaker 6: especially if I'm going to be a third wheel. One
• 2:57
  Speaker 6: of my girlfriends had the audacity to invite me to dinner.
• 3:01
  Speaker 6: And I'm thinking we're going to catch up because we
• 3:03
  Speaker 6: haven't spent time together.
• 3:05
  Speaker 2: I can't wait for a good kiki.
• 3:07
  Speaker 6: You know how us girls do.
• 3:08
  Speaker 2: I get there.
• 3:10
  Speaker 6: It's her and her boo.
• 3:12
  Speaker 7: That's right.
• 3:13
  Speaker 6: She's all booed up and I'm in the corner like, uh-huh,
• 3:16
  Speaker 6: third wheel. I didn't sign up for this. Now I'm
• 3:19
  Speaker 6: pissed off because I got all dressed up, got my
• 3:21
  Speaker 6: good clothes on, got my hair straightened out because I'm thinking,
• 3:23
  Speaker 6: you know, we might, you know, see a couple of hotties.
• 3:27
  Speaker 8: Uh-uh.
• 3:27
  Speaker 6: The only hottie there is me because she booed up
• 3:30
  Speaker 6: with her boy and I'm looking crazy, but I am
• 3:32
  Speaker 6: still looking hot.
• 3:33
  Speaker 5: You know how.
• 3:35
  Speaker 2: It comes around, baby.
• 3:36
  Speaker 1: It's time to present another diploma from my school of
• 3:39
  Speaker 1: real good book learning.
• 3:40
  Speaker 2: Who's on the phone? T.
• 3:41
  Speaker 3: Jones.
• 3:41
  Speaker 6: Oh, okay. T.
• 3:43
  Speaker 3: Jones. T.
• 3:43
  Speaker 2: Jones. How you doing now? All right. Where you calling
• 3:46
  Speaker 2: us from?
• 3:46
  Speaker 3: Detroit.
• 3:47
  Speaker 2: Oh, man, there's a lot of that going on. Yes, indeed.
• 3:50
  Speaker 2: That's one of them seven miles. I got to leave
• 3:51
  Speaker 2: that alone. One of them living noise. How you doing?
• 3:54
  Speaker 3: I'm sick.
• 3:56
  Speaker 5: Uh-oh.
• 3:56
  Speaker 2: Let's try even faster, even faster. Skip, tell the T
• 4:00
  Speaker 2: what's happening.
• 4:01
  Speaker 3: All right, T, this is what we're going to do.
• 4:02
  Speaker 3: We're trying to get you a diploma from D.L. 's
• 4:04
  Speaker 3: School of Real Good Book Learning, so I'm going to
• 4:06
  Speaker 3: give you a word you need to use in the sentence.
• 4:08
  Speaker 3: After you use it in the sentence, Jasmine will use
• 4:10
  Speaker 3: it in the sentence, then D.L. will use it in
• 4:11
  Speaker 3: the sentence, and we'll see who got it right.
• 4:13
  Speaker 4: Are you ready?
• 4:14
  Speaker 3: Uh-oh.
• 4:15
  Speaker 6: Come on, T.
• 4:15
  Speaker 3: Come on. She's like, wait a minute.
• 4:19
  Speaker 2: You already voted. You ain't got to be doing nothing else.
• 4:21
  Speaker 4: Let's just get this right.
• 4:22
  Speaker 5: Let's go.
• 4:23
  Speaker 2: What do we got, Skip?
• 4:23
  Speaker 3: All right.
• 4:24
  Speaker 2: Today's word is subcutaneous. Damn. Subcutaneous. Use subcutaneous in a sentence.
• 4:35
  Speaker 2: I have subcutaneous ran circles around these young people's asses.
• 4:39
  Speaker 2: All right. She said it with so much confidence. We
• 4:45
  Speaker 2: don't even need to look. Jasmine, subcutaneous. I tend to
• 4:53
  Speaker 2: like subcutaneous vegetables.
• 4:55
  Speaker 6: Okay.
• 4:56
  Speaker 3: All right.
• 4:57
  Speaker 2: I like the real teaching, not the subcutaneous one.
• 5:03
  Speaker 3: All right.
• 5:06
  Speaker 2: Nobody got to close this time. Subcutaneous.
• 5:10
  Speaker 3: That occurs or is manifested suddenly, spontaneously, or in haste.
• 5:15
  Speaker 2: Sudden, hasty, unexpected.
• 5:17
  Speaker 3: Oh, yeah. Like I told her to stop moving or
• 5:20
  Speaker 3: else we'll have a subcutaneous reaction. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 5:23
  Speaker 2: My wife is home. I told you subcutaneously.
• 5:27
  Speaker 5: Subcutaneously. All right.
• 5:31
  Speaker 2: Thank you for calling, T. Look, congratulations. You have a
• 5:33
  Speaker 2: diploma from D.L. School of Real. Move that Wayne State
• 5:38
  Speaker 2: degree out the way. The real one's here now.
• 5:40
  Speaker 1: All right.
• 5:43
  Speaker 2: Hang on a minute, baby. Thank you so much for calling.
• 5:45
  Speaker 2: Thank you.
• 5:47
  Speaker 1: We recognize some of the funniest comedians. Some, you know,
• 5:50
  Speaker 1: and some you do not welcome to the stage. Matt Wright.
• 5:52
  Speaker 4: I only work out with black dudes. Exclusively. Because black
• 6:02
  Speaker 4: dudes will push you to your limits whether you want
• 6:05
  Speaker 4: to or not. I started about six months ago, man.
• 6:08
  Speaker 4: I was in the gym one day and I was
• 6:09
  Speaker 4: having a bad day. I was stressed about something. I
• 6:11
  Speaker 4: was angry about something. And I was like, man, f * * * this.
• 6:13
  Speaker 4: I'm going to use this negative as a positive. I'm
• 6:16
  Speaker 4: going to use this aggression.
• 6:17
  Speaker 7: I'm going to put up some weight.
• 6:18
  Speaker 4: And I was hitting a chest day.
• 6:19
  Speaker 2: So I was like, f * * * it.
• 6:20
  Speaker 4: I'm going to hit a new max on the bench press.
• 6:23
  Speaker 4: You're supposed to have a spotter so you don't die.
• 6:30
  Speaker 4: I didn't know anybody in there at the time. Closest
• 6:32
  Speaker 4: person to me was the black dude at the bench
• 6:34
  Speaker 4: next to me. So I walked over. I was like, hey, man,
• 6:36
  Speaker 4: would you mind spotting me for this set real quick?
• 6:40
  Speaker 8: And he was like, yeah, I got you. I was like,
• 6:48
  Speaker 8: I feel like you do. Everything about your voice is safe.
• 6:53
  Speaker 8: I feel like I can lift the world now.
• 6:54
  Speaker 7: Okay, come on. So we go over to the bench together.
• 6:57
  Speaker 4: He gets behind the rack in the spot position. He's ready.
• 6:59
  Speaker 8: I lay down and I'm... Get it off the rack.
• 7:04
  Speaker 6: I get one rep in.
• 7:08
  Speaker 5: I get.
• 7:10
  Speaker 7: Two reps in.
• 7:13
  Speaker 4: I get stuck on the third. My arms start shaking.
• 7:17
  Speaker 2: And he can see this.
• 7:20
  Speaker 5: So like any good spotter, he has some words of encouragement.
• 7:27
  Speaker 5: I'm trying not to die. And this man just gets
• 7:30
  Speaker 5: in my ear. And do that shit.
• 7:40
  Speaker 8: Do that shit.
• 7:40
  Speaker 4: It ain't nothing.
• 7:41
  Speaker 7: I was.
• 7:46
  Speaker 6: Like.
• 7:48
  Speaker 7: I don't know, man.
• 7:50
  Speaker 2: I'm getting kind of tired.
• 7:51
  Speaker 7: He was like, my people been tired. I was like, damn.
• 8:03
  Speaker 7: It was only like 255. You had white guilt on
• 8:06
  Speaker 7: top of that?
• 8:06
  Speaker 2: That's like 500 pounds, man.
• 8:08
  Speaker 7: I was like, is this pre-workout or a history lesson?
• 8:11
  Speaker 7: What are we doing, dog?
• 8:12
  Speaker 4: So that's my new routine whenever somebody's like, you look good, Matt.
• 8:17
  Speaker 2: You on a diet? I'm like, yeah, it's called White Watchers.
• 8:20
  Speaker 2: You should try it.
• 8:22
  Speaker 4: When black people watch white people struggle, you will sweat.
• 8:25
  Speaker 2: I promise you. I put him on stage years ago.
• 8:29
  Speaker 2: He's like 16, 17. Yeah. Oh, wow.
• 8:31
  Speaker 3: Look at you.