Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / Raising Girls Who Like Themselves & Feel Good in Their Own Skin

Transcript

Raising Girls Who Like Themselves & Feel Good in Their Own Skin · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Hello, Welcome to the Happy Families podcast, where you get
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  Speaker 1: real parenting solutions every single day. Here are some stats
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  Speaker 1: that highlight a problem that most parents, especially parents of
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  Speaker 1: young girls, worry about. If your daughter is between the
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  Speaker 1: age of five and twelve, forty to sixty percent of
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  Speaker 1: girls her age worry about their weight. By the age
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  Speaker 1: of nine, more than fifty percent of girls express concerns
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  Speaker 1: about their body shape. Children as young as five start
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  Speaker 1: expressing concerns about their weight or shape, invariably girls, and
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  Speaker 1: more than fifty percent of girls age six to eight
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  Speaker 1: report being unhappy with their body weight. Today, it's a
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  Speaker 1: tricky question that we're answering from one of our listeners
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  Speaker 1: about body image and helping girls to feel good about
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  Speaker 1: their bodies. Stay with us. Hello and welcome to the
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  Speaker 1: Happy Families podcast, where you get parenting solutions every single day.
• 1:02
  Speaker 1: This is Australia's most downloaded parenty podcast. We are Justin
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  Speaker 1: and Clyde Colson and every Tuesday on the Happy Families Pod,
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  Speaker 1: we answer your tricky questions. It doesn't matter what it's about,
• 1:11
  Speaker 1: well pretty much answer any question and if it's a
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  Speaker 1: really short one, we'll do two or even three. Family relationships, wellbeing,
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  Speaker 1: screens discipline. Today, we've got a tricky question about kids
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  Speaker 1: and body image. If you would like to submit your
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  Speaker 1: question so that we can answer them next time, We've
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  Speaker 1: got a really super simple system at happy families dot
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  Speaker 1: com dot You just scroll out to podcasts, click the
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  Speaker 1: record button and start talking. Alternatively, you can send us
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  Speaker 1: a voice note to podcasts at happy families dot com
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  Speaker 1: dot au. Today, an anonymous listener asks this question.
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  Speaker 2: Hi, doctor Justin and Kylie, I need some help. My Nellie,
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  Speaker 2: nine year old daughter has started to repeatedly come home
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  Speaker 2: and complain about certain parts of her body and say
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  Speaker 2: negative thoughts about her body, questioning is she pretty enough,
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  Speaker 2: skinny enough, etc. And it's very concerning to me. We
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  Speaker 2: have done everything we could since she was little to
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  Speaker 2: ensure that she felt confident and positive about her body,
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  Speaker 2: valuing what her body does rather than what it looks like.
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  Speaker 2: Although we are in this position now and I am
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  Speaker 2: looking for some advice on how to best navigate these
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  Speaker 2: insecurities and questions and hopefully avoid it becoming a bigger
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  Speaker 2: issue as she gets older and into her teen years.
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  Speaker 3: Being a mother of six girls, this is something that
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  Speaker 3: we have experienced with all of our girls in different ways. Yep.
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  Speaker 3: And it's so tricky. But what we've experienced as we've
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  Speaker 3: gone through our family is that it's happening younger and younger.
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  Speaker 1: I would agree with that when I wrote Misconnection, while
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  Speaker 1: your teenage daughter hates to expect, the world needs to
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  Speaker 1: talk Misconnection, which is available online. The chapter that I
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  Speaker 1: was most happy with, the chapter where I felt I
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  Speaker 1: did the best job, was the chapter in response to
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  Speaker 1: this kind of a question, how do we help our
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  Speaker 1: daughters with the way that they feel about themselves? You know,
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  Speaker 1: girls above the fiftieth percentile for weight report the greatest
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  Speaker 1: body dissatisfaction seventy one percent seventy one. Nearly three quarters
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  Speaker 1: of girls who are normal weight report being dissatisfied with
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  Speaker 1: their appearance, and the overwhelming majority of girls at every
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  Speaker 1: age will tell you I want this to change. And
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  Speaker 1: I hate to say this, but grade nine, sorry not
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  Speaker 1: grade nine. Age nine is right in the middle of
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  Speaker 1: this critical window where this stuff really starts to boom.
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  Speaker 1: Like I said in the intro, from the age of five,
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  Speaker 1: the data shows that girls are aware of how they
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  Speaker 1: look and as starting to talk about wanting to change things.
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  Speaker 3: It's curious to me that we're even really surprised by
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  Speaker 3: that data, considering that everywhere they look, any magazine, any.
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  Speaker 1: Billboard, TV shows, any social media, on their parents' phones.
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  Speaker 3: Or literally they've got the personification of the perfect body
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  Speaker 3: in front of them every day.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah. So one of the things that I wrote about
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  Speaker 1: in my book, and I really think it's worthy of
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  Speaker 1: emphasis right now, is everywhere you go. And there are
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  Speaker 1: certainly a lot of experts who will argue this, and
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  Speaker 1: there's some Datata supporter as well, so I recognize what
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  Speaker 1: I'm going to say is provocative. Everywhere you go, people say,
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  Speaker 1: teach your kids media literacy. Teach them that it's not real.
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  Speaker 1: Teach them that there's lighting, and there's hair and there's makeup.
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  Speaker 1: And I mean, I just think about all the TV
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  Speaker 1: appearances that I've done, and I'll walk in ten minutes
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  Speaker 1: before my TV appearance, They'll they'll look at me and
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  Speaker 1: maybe pop something on my face. But other than that,
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  Speaker 1: I'm in and out right. And the women who are
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  Speaker 1: on the TV, even if it's only for a five
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  Speaker 1: minute segment, will sometimes spend as much as two hours
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  Speaker 1: in the chair getting their hair and makeup done. And
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  Speaker 1: so the idea is talk about photoshop and teach kids
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  Speaker 1: to be media literate and that will help. And my
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  Speaker 1: pushback against that is, no matter how much you say,
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  Speaker 1: here's what they're doing, the kids can understand that logically,
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  Speaker 1: but it doesn't stop the emotional and cognitive desire to
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  Speaker 1: one day look like that. It doesn't stop the aspiration medialy.
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  Speaker 3: Matter how many times you know tell them that sugar
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  Speaker 3: is bad for you. Right, you look at it every day? Right,
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  Speaker 3: It's desirable?
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  Speaker 2: Yeah?
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, so we want it in your life. The
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  Speaker 1: aspiration is there. I don't think teaching media literacy is
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  Speaker 1: the most effective thing. Should it be in the talkit? Yeah?
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  Speaker 1: Probably the evidence suggests so. But let's crack on with
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  Speaker 1: a bunch of other solutions.
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  Speaker 3: I think the first one. I love this one just
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  Speaker 3: it's so powerful if we can kind of curb our
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  Speaker 3: natural reaction to kind of get a little bit frustrated.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, this is more of a do not rather than
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  Speaker 1: a do Because what you want to say to your daughter,
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  Speaker 1: what do you mean?
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  Speaker 3: I can't believe you'd say that about yourself. Gorgeous, It's
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  Speaker 3: so beautiful. Look at how skinny you are.
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  Speaker 1: You're never going to be this skinny again for the
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  Speaker 1: rest of your life.
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  Speaker 3: Just appreciate it. You'll never have again. All those things,
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  Speaker 3: but the idea that we would get curious when our
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  Speaker 3: kids come to us with their challenges, with their challenging thinking,
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  Speaker 3: instead of getting furious.
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  Speaker 1: So, as a parent who writes books about this, I
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  Speaker 1: struggle so much to do this because I know so
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  Speaker 1: much about it and I just want to jump in
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  Speaker 1: and give my kids all the solutions. So let me
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  Speaker 1: be really, really, really clear about this. If your daughter
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  Speaker 1: comes home or you signed for that matter, but we
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  Speaker 1: are talking specifically to this, this person has the question
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  Speaker 1: if your daughter comes home and says, am I pretty enough?
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  Speaker 1: Am I skinny enough? Don't rush in with reassurance because
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  Speaker 1: the most effective response as a first response is going
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  Speaker 1: to be curiosity.
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  Speaker 3: But those are all labels as well, right, But everybody's
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  Speaker 3: perception is different to what is beautiful? What is skinny?
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  Speaker 3: What is that? What is big?
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  Speaker 1: Like the there is a better response. I just think
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  Speaker 1: if our kids were to say it, I would hope
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  Speaker 1: that I would step in and say, that's really interesting
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  Speaker 1: that you've said that, or that's a really interesting question
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  Speaker 1: you've asked me. Where did that come from? What made
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  Speaker 1: you think about that today? Why is that on your
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  Speaker 1: mind at the moment? And then listen, don't fix, don't reassure,
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  Speaker 1: not yet anyway, just gathered the information, who was talking
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  Speaker 1: about it? What did you notice that made you wonder?
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  Speaker 1: Oh you saw that? Like slightly different topic. But one
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  Speaker 1: of our daughters said something extremely provocative not too long ago,
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  Speaker 1: and I just wanted to say, what are you talking?
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  Speaker 1: I really wanted to blow up because it was not okay,
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  Speaker 1: And instead I was like, where did you? Where'd you
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  Speaker 1: come up with that idea? And she said, I walked
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  Speaker 1: past a sign when we were walking through town and
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  Speaker 1: it was one of those adult shops and it set
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  Speaker 1: it on there and I was like, ah, now we've
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  Speaker 1: got to have a real conversation. But by getting curious,
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  Speaker 1: not furious, by not rushing to reassure, by saying, oh,
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  Speaker 1: had that made up, judging.
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  Speaker 3: This situation, thinking you've got all the details exactly.
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  Speaker 1: Body image concerns at age nine are going to be
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  Speaker 1: socially driven, whether it's something from a peer, whether it's
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  Speaker 1: comparison in a peer group, whether it's the media planning
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  Speaker 1: a seed and you need another source before you can
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  Speaker 1: address it. And then then you validate, Oh it sounds
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  Speaker 1: like this person, or it sounds like what you saw
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  Speaker 1: made you feel like your body wasn't good enough. That
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  Speaker 1: must have felt really crummy. That must felt horrible. I'm
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  Speaker 1: so glad you told me. So you're not saying that
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  Speaker 1: they're right or wrong. You're saying, oh, here's what it
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  Speaker 1: sounds like. Oh that's what it made you feel. Oh
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  Speaker 1: that's horrible. I'm so glad you told me that. One statement.
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  Speaker 1: It just normalizes everything and makes your child go, oh,
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  Speaker 1: so everything's okay. And then the last thing to do
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  Speaker 1: is to reframe by saying this, here's what I know.
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  Speaker 1: Your body, your body, your body is doing an incredible job.
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  Speaker 1: Let's you run, unless you dance, unless you swim, unless
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  Speaker 1: you play. The people who matter most don't care about
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  Speaker 1: pretty or skinny. They care about kind and funny and
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  Speaker 1: brave and smart, and you are all of those things.
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  Speaker 3: I remember reading somewhere once that are the people's opinions
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  Speaker 3: and none of our business.
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  Speaker 1: I love that. Yeah, your opinion of me is none
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  Speaker 1: of my businesses.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, but the really big kick for me was the
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  Speaker 3: acknowledgment these people that are saying these bad things about
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  Speaker 3: me or mocking me or you know, kind of giving
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  Speaker 3: me a hard time? Are they the people that I
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  Speaker 3: would go to for advice?
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  Speaker 1: I love this.
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  Speaker 3: If I was struggling, are they the people that I'd go?
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  Speaker 1: And the answer is invariably no, No.
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  Speaker 3: So why is it that if they're not somebody I
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  Speaker 3: would go to when I needed help, why is it
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  Speaker 3: that they get so much weight in how I feel
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  Speaker 3: about myself?
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  Speaker 1: Pardon the pun, It just yeah, brilliant.
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  Speaker 3: It's really powerful if we can help our kids to
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  Speaker 3: understand that.
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  Speaker 1: Okay, so get curious, not furious, and then have that
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  Speaker 1: conversation with them after the break. The two other big
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  Speaker 1: ideas that will help as you try to move the
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  Speaker 1: needle on body image issues. Stay with us. We're back.
• 10:29
  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Famili's podcast, answering the question about what
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  Speaker 1: to do when your nine year old shows up saying
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  Speaker 1: I'm fat, not skinny, I'm not pretty and has body
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  Speaker 1: image concerns.
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  Speaker 3: I love that our listener has acknowledged this is something
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  Speaker 3: that she clearly is really doing well. The idea that
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  Speaker 3: we would build body functionality awareness for our children, that
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  Speaker 3: we would you point out all of the amazing things
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  Speaker 3: their body allows them to do. Is such an important
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  Speaker 3: part of this process.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, wrote that in my book just what can your
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  Speaker 1: Body do? Rather than what does your body look like?
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  Speaker 1: Matt is so much more. Research is pretty clear on this.
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  Speaker 1: Girls with what you would call body appreciation, they have
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  Speaker 1: better mental health, they engage in less dieting and other
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  Speaker 1: destructive habits. They're less likely to use substances as they
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  Speaker 1: get older. Across the board, When we can just appreciate
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  Speaker 1: what our body can do, it feels better. Life feels better.
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  Speaker 3: This feels to me like the power of gratitude. Right
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  Speaker 3: when I tap into what I'm grateful for, I hold
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  Speaker 3: it a little bit closer.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah.
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  Speaker 3: So, and if I have gratitude for the amazing gift
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  Speaker 3: my physical body is and all the things that allows
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  Speaker 3: me to do, then I'm going to take care of it.
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  Speaker 1: So our eleven centy twelve year old daughter might say,
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  Speaker 1: I'm so grateful that my arms and shoulders helped me
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  Speaker 1: to paddle out in the waves, and that my legs
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  Speaker 1: let me stand up on a surfboard.
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  Speaker 3: Or that I can hug you.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, okay, that's I mean. I'm thinking surfing is awesome,
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  Speaker 1: but as simple.
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  Speaker 3: As that, when I feel alone, when I feel disconnected.
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  Speaker 3: The gift of a hug is so powerful.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, because what this does is shifts the focus from appearance,
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  Speaker 1: the external externality is the judgment based stuff to function. Right,
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  Speaker 1: So it's internal and it's gratitude based. And the data, again,
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  Speaker 1: like I said, it's clear it reduces body dissatisfaction, specifically
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  Speaker 1: in children aged eight to twelve. So trying to move
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  Speaker 1: away from looking at how the body appears and instead
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  Speaker 1: talking about how it works is just such a big win.
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  Speaker 3: And our last solution model it by not talking about.
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  Speaker 1: It, right. Yeah, this is the hardest one, and it's
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  Speaker 1: also backed by the strongest research. Here's what daughters absorbed
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  Speaker 1: from mother's I'm so sorry to put this on mums, but.
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  Speaker 3: Well, you know what, you're their role model.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah. Dads can say hurtful things and daughters will absorb that.
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  Speaker 1: And there's data that shows that if your child between
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  Speaker 1: nine and twelve is hearing those hurtful things, they're far
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  Speaker 1: more likely to have body image issues and eating challenges
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  Speaker 1: in their teens like sixteen, seventeen, eighteen.
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  Speaker 3: But as a daughter, they're watching the way you treat
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  Speaker 3: your own body exactly, so you're modeling exactly how they
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  Speaker 3: will in turn respond.
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  Speaker 1: There was an experimental study that found that when mothers
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  Speaker 1: made negative comments about their own weight and shape and
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  Speaker 1: diet in front of their eight to twelve year old daughters,
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  Speaker 1: daughter's body esteem and eating attitudes immediately declined. Boom Daughters
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  Speaker 1: and mothers who diet or engage in negative self talk
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  Speaker 1: are more likely to develop poor body image and disordered eating,
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  Speaker 1: and mother's comments about their own bodies predict their daughter's
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  Speaker 1: body related comments. That's what the research points to.
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  Speaker 3: So I remember when I was younger, I had this
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  Speaker 3: beautiful body that I never appreated right, and I loved
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  Speaker 3: junk food and I would eat it till the cows
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  Speaker 3: come home. And my mom would constantly say to me,
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  Speaker 3: You'll be sorry you ate that one day you'll have
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  Speaker 3: a bum like me. And as I have grown and
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  Speaker 3: gotten older, I have looked in the mirror and seen
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  Speaker 3: the bum of my mum and been sad. And it's
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  Speaker 3: only been a reframe for me where I have stepped
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  Speaker 3: into that gratitude and the acknowledgment that this body has
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  Speaker 3: created six other human beings, and it has morphed in
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  Speaker 3: so many different ways, but it has allowed me to
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  Speaker 3: live a beautiful, full life, and I want to continue
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  Speaker 3: living that beautiful, full life. And if that's what I want,
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  Speaker 3: then I need to treat it with care.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah. I just love the way he said that. The
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  Speaker 1: research pretty much says that even well meaning mums who
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  Speaker 1: think that they're hiding bodied dissatisfaction, they're still going to
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  Speaker 1: transmit it through subtle behaviors like a void certain clothes,
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  Speaker 1: or declining to be in photos or comparing themselves to others.
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  Speaker 1: Kids pick up on everything. So I think the most
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  Speaker 1: powerful intervention that you can offer is modeling a neutral
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  Speaker 1: at minimum, but ideally a positive relationship to your body,
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  Speaker 1: like you've just described. It's just so important. I remember
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  Speaker 1: the conversation that we had with the kids one time
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  Speaker 1: where I don't know the exact context, but there was
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  Speaker 1: a discussion about your body, and maybe it was you
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  Speaker 1: that made a negative comment, maybe it was one of
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  Speaker 1: the kids, and I just said, I didn't marry mum
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  Speaker 1: because she looked a certain way. I didn't marry mum
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  Speaker 1: for her body.
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  Speaker 3: A married Oh, let's be real, smoking hotback.
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  Speaker 1: Man, I married you for you, And just because your
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  Speaker 1: body changes doesn't mean that my feelings for you change.
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  Speaker 1: Kids need to hear that they need to understand that
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  Speaker 1: that's the way it works. I mean, there's so much
• 15:53
  Speaker 1: more we could talk about. This could turn into a
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  Speaker 1: seventeen hour podcast. We need to wrap it up.
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  Speaker 3: You know. I of that your daughter has come to
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  Speaker 3: you and that she's sharing the feelings that she's having
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  Speaker 3: and the experience you're having, Like, what a gift.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, she trusts you.
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  Speaker 3: What a gift?
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  Speaker 1: Doors open? And the other thing that I got from
• 16:15
  Speaker 1: that voice note was our listener is already doing the
• 16:17
  Speaker 1: right thing by taking it seriously, keeping the conversation going,
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  Speaker 1: and the things that we've talked about today are going
• 16:24
  Speaker 1: to be some really powerful protective factors against body dissatisfaction.
• 16:29
  Speaker 1: It's almost inevitable, by the way, Like it's pretty much
• 16:31
  Speaker 1: inevitable if you're female, and even more and more boys
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  Speaker 1: are struggling with this. But these conversations are the things
• 16:37
  Speaker 1: that can turn it around and make it less damaging,
• 16:40
  Speaker 1: make it less impactful. Thank you so much for listening.
• 16:43
  Speaker 1: If you've got a question for us, and you'd like
• 16:44
  Speaker 1: to hit us up with one of those tricky ones,
• 16:46
  Speaker 1: let us know via Happy Families dot com dot you,
• 16:48
  Speaker 1: where our super simple system requires you to simply press
• 16:52
  Speaker 1: the button and start talking, or send us a voice
• 16:55
  Speaker 1: note to podcasts at happy families dot com dot a you.
• 16:58
  Speaker 1: The Happy Families podcast is duced by Justin Ruland from
• 17:01
  Speaker 1: Bridge Media. Mimhammonds provides research, admin and a whole lot
• 17:04
  Speaker 1: of other support. If you'd like additional information and resources,
• 17:08
  Speaker 1: specifically about what we've talked about today, check out the website.
• 17:12
  Speaker 1: We're going to make it a website blog because we
• 17:15
  Speaker 1: think that the information is too important for you to
• 17:17
  Speaker 1: not have access to in the written form. Have you
• 17:19
  Speaker 1: families dot com dot au