Latest / FINE is a 4-Letter Word / 216. Success Didn’t Fix It with Anthony Spark

Transcript

216. Success Didn’t Fix It with Anthony Spark · FINE is a 4-Letter Word

0:01
Hello and welcome to Fine is a four letter word.
0:05
My guest today is Anthony Spark.
0:08
Welcome to the show.
0:09
Thanks for having me, Laurie.
0:10
I'm glad that we made it here.
0:12
I am glad that we did too and your name is just so indicative of your energy.
0:18
Thank you.
0:19
I don't know if I told you the story, but I actually legally changed my name before I had my kids.
0:23
I think I might have mentioned that.
0:28
Yeah.
0:28
we do that, I wanna start with giving some people who are listening a little bit of background on who you are.
0:35
So what were the values and beliefs that you were raised with that contributed to making you who you are?
0:42
So the values, independence was a big value, being that my mom was very like, you need to deal with your own responsibilities, deal with your own consequences.
0:52
My mom was a single mom for most of my life.
0:55
My dad really did do the best he can, he could, but he came from such a dysfunctional background.
0:59
His mom was very abusive.
1:01
She had him when she was 15.
1:02
He had a lot of challenges, still does.
1:04
Ended up getting addicted to drugs, going to prison, whole sorts of stuff.
1:08
you know, through all that mix and all that trauma and stuff, one thing my dad always told me is that you'll be better, you'll be better than me.
1:14
You're not as bad as me.
1:15
You'll be better than me and you're going to do a great job.
1:18
So, but uh personal integrity for me is a really big thing.
1:22
Being authentic to who you are.
1:24
Freedom.
1:25
having the freedom to express yourself, independence, and kindness.
1:29
I don't know if I really got that so much from my dad, he wasn't very kind, but I think I watched how unkind he was and I decided that I don't want to ever be anything other than
1:40
that.
1:40
The best that I can.
1:41
I can be pretty grouchy, but I do my best.
1:45
All right, well that's, I mean that's really all we can ask from anybody is to do your best and to allow that people are doing the best they have with the tools that they have,
1:56
with the knowledge that they have at the time.
1:58
Yeah.
1:59
Yeah, it's all you can do.
2:00
That's all you can do.
2:00
And you just have to, you know, it's like the Kaizen approach.
2:03
You get a little bit better and a little bit better.
2:04
And know, you just focus on doing the best you can.
2:07
I think it's important you don't get stuck in a shame cycle too.
2:10
I think a lot of times there's a lot of people that listen to podcasts like this and their goal is to do better and make more money and to succeed and self-improvement.
2:18
it can, can, your goals can tyrannize you.
2:20
You can get in a place where you have all these different goals and you end up in this space of comparison because there's always someone richer.
2:26
There's always someone in better shape.
2:27
There's always someone with this.
2:29
that and I think it's really important that we learn to be grateful for where we are and seek personal excellence and that self-actualization to be able to get ourselves in a
2:40
place where we love what we do and we're continuing to get better and everyone's journey is different.
2:45
I think a lot of times people look at the benefits other people have but they don't want the downside, you know, so you try to cherry pick, you want to have the positive, you want
2:53
to grab the rose but you don't want the thorn that comes with it, you know, and I think that just like Ralph Waldo Emerson says in the
2:59
essay on compensation, with every benefit as a detriment, there are detriments of benefit.
3:03
mean, the scales are kind of cosmically balanced.
3:05
There is no getting an upside without an equal downside in anything that you do.
3:10
That's a really important point that you mentioned.
3:13
That whole thing you just said is really important.
3:16
At the beginning about having grace for where you are and not beating yourself up or being ashamed because yes, I think that is a thing that personal development, personal growth
3:31
can create in that, I'm always gonna be striving.
3:37
Like I'm never gonna be.
3:38
Right?
3:38
Right.
3:43
But if you stop and appreciate where you are right now, like you don't, I think sometimes it's like, well, there's always gonna be, feel like there's something wrong with me
3:54
because I'm not there.
3:57
I'm using air quotes if you're not watching the video, wherever there is, because there's always another book to read or another course to take or more information to absorb.
4:10
when is it enough?
4:12
When are you good enough?
4:14
such a trap.
4:15
I'm a big fan.
4:17
I love artists.
4:18
Jim Carrey is one of my favorites.
4:20
I love listening to Jim Carrey.
4:22
I also really like Jack Black.
4:23
But the biggest thing, I'm not a billionaire and I don't strive to be, but we've done very well financially and we're in the top income bracket.
4:33
I think that it's...
4:35
an interesting perspective because if you listen to people that actually win the game that most people are wishing that they'd win that they think is going to fill this hole there
4:46
is nothing worse than climbing the mountain and finding out that it's nothing there for you.
4:50
It's a game and it's nice to win the game it's obviously nicer to win the game of basketball or football or money or whatever it is in your life but if you don't put it in
5:00
its proper context it still is just a game.
5:03
And whether you're making $500,000 a million a year, you're making $50,000 a year, obviously if you make a little bit more, there's less financial stress, you have some more
5:10
options.
5:11
But that's never going to replace you loving yourself and your life.
5:15
It's never going to ever hold a candle to building successful relationships in your life that are fulfilling and intimate.
5:21
It's never gonna hold a candle to you creating whatever it is your art or your purpose or walking in your fulfillment for your personal path of individuation like Carl Jung says.
5:32
the challenge becomes there's nothing more depressing.
5:35
People think losing at their goal is depressing.
5:38
The most depressing thing I've ever seen and experienced is accomplishing everything that you thought would fix the problem and finding out it doesn't because you're still there.
5:47
And you can get rid of, you can spend 10 and 20 and 30 years chasing and striving and chasing a horizon that you'll never catch that continues to move.
5:55
You move, the horizon moves.
5:57
There's a really good book, The Gap and the Gain that talks about that.
6:00
And you get to the end.
6:02
it wonderful and you get to the end of this and all you did is lose 30 years of your life.
6:07
You know, so all we have is now.
6:09
That's the only thing we have.
6:11
The past and the future are constructs and it's great to have goals and dreams.
6:14
I'm a personal development guy and I talk about personal development and I have a whole personal development program and I do coaching.
6:21
But the reality is that we only have now and if we can't find gratefulness and peace in who we are now, everything else becomes a mirage.
6:30
Right.
6:31
And all of those things that you mentioned that are the real wins in life, they're free.
6:40
They're free.
6:42
right.
6:43
The only thing money does if you do it properly is it gives you more time to enjoy the free things.
6:48
know, like I think that we chase these peak experiences and I'm a little bit different than most people.
6:54
You know, I grew up really poor and I never really was like, I was never really about fancy stuff.
6:59
When I was really young and I started in my personal development and I have a network marketing background, like a little bit, but you go to enough fancy dinners and you go to
7:07
enough beautiful places.
7:09
and you buy the $20,000, $50,000 watches, and you buy the million dollar home, and you do all these things, and if you're really honest, and you're not captured by ego and status,
7:21
a cup of coffee on my chair is always more valuable than a fancy dinner.
7:26
Laughing with my kids or being with my wife and having a home cooked meal in my kitchen is always more rewarding than a fancy trip to Italy.
7:35
Those things are nice.
7:37
But I find that these peak experiences people are thinking that are once a year, a few times a year, if you're really lucky, that's not where life is at.
7:45
It's in the everyday rhythms of your life.
7:48
So if you do money properly, a lot of people get stuck making more and more money with more and more responsibility, more and more stress.
7:54
I personally believe you're not free in a free country until you're financially free, until you have some source of income that's gonna come in without your activity, because
8:01
then it gives you the flexibility to choose, because if you have to do something for money, you have a semblance of being trapped.
8:07
But the only thing money can do is give you more time for all those free things.
8:12
Because me putting my kids on my bus, being with my wife and my wife not having to work full time, her going to CrossFit, and being able to watch TV until 1 a.m.
8:19
and wake up when I want, for me, that's so much more valuable than all the fancy shit in
8:26
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
8:28
So coming from poverty and achieving financial independence, that's a really, what's the word I'm looking for?
8:41
I was gonna say big goal, it's not the goal, it's a big achievement and a lot of people don't have the model to do it.
8:52
So talk a little bit about how you were able to do that.
8:56
Sure.
8:57
I was always entrepreneurial in the nonconformist, which definitely helps.
9:00
Because if you're going to create results other people don't create, you have to be willing to do things that people don't believe in and understand.
9:06
Because that's just kind of natural logic, right?
9:08
You're not going to leave a full-time job in your 20s by following the traditional path.
9:12
And I like to be very careful.
9:14
I'm not against jobs, and I'm not against college.
9:16
I don't think you should go to college and spend $200,000 and expect that that's going to make you a millionaire.
9:22
But I also don't think that it doesn't have intrinsic value.
9:24
You just...
9:25
You have to make sure that you're being honest about what you're doing.
9:28
I hear a lot of wealthy, successful people putting down humanities and these different things.
9:33
uh Last I checked, every funeral and wedding, you read poetry.
9:37
So to say that the humanities don't have value, yeah, it doesn't have monetary value, but you have to be much more multi-dimensional in what you look at.
9:44
But all that to say, was entrepreneurial at a very young age.
9:47
It right before my 18th birthday.
9:49
I was blessed to have, I met someone, and this is pre-social media, this is pre-
9:53
Gurus and cryptocurrency and gig economy and influencers because this is April 2006.
9:58
I'm 37 friend of mine told me he met someone that told me he was gonna retire at 28 and For me, I didn't realize that was possible.
10:04
I thought you were either born rich.
10:06
You worked your whole life I was on the med school route.
10:08
I wanted to help people make a of money I figured that's what I would do but that moment in my life I just remember thinking like my dream was never to be a doctor like some
10:16
people dream of being a doctor and I think that is wonderful my dream was to make a lot of money and help people
10:20
And if I could skip 12 years and a half million dollars of medical school and now have a high stress, high demand job that I'm kind of squeamish to begin with, I would have gotten
10:27
over it.
10:28
But I said, if I could retire in my 20s and own my time, that's the dream for me.
10:33
So I believe that there's a few things that anyone needs that they need to have to build financial freedom.
10:38
The first and foremost is you need to have coaching and mentorship.
10:41
And the reality is a lot of times people get stuck in ego.
10:45
There's another really good book, Scary Close by Donald Miller.
10:47
One of the premises in this book, it's,
10:50
Brilliant.
10:50
A good friend of mine, Francis, told me about it.
10:53
But one of the parts in the book I want to highlight, he goes into this therapy place.
10:59
it's covered by insurance, and there's some multi-millionaires, billionaires, CEOs that goes to this place.
11:05
And one of the rules is you have to say that your name is Joe and you're a plumber.
11:09
Everyone has to say, my name's Joe and you're plumber.
11:10
You can't say what you do for work.
11:11
can't flaunt your ego.
11:13
And a lot of people, it's a therapy session, they're working through stuff, and a lot of people build these really deep bonds.
11:18
The end of it, obviously you're not gonna keep saying you're a plumber and you're Joe at the end of it, so people say who they are and some of these people are very, very wealthy.
11:26
And some of these people are regular blue collar people that go through this program.
11:29
A lot of people think that the wealthy people look down on the less wealthy people.
11:35
And you've got some assholes, but that's rare.
11:38
Very often, the less successful people disassociate from the more successful people because it makes them feel less than the successful people don't give a shit.
11:46
They don't care, but...
11:48
The thing with mentorship, when you talk about this, a lot of times people get stuck.
11:51
I don't think making more money makes you a better person.
11:54
I actually am sure that if you think the amount of money you make makes you a better person, that you're an asshole.
11:59
But you can't learn to play the violin from someone that doesn't play the violin.
12:03
It doesn't make anyone better or worse.
12:04
Just wrong person.
12:06
You shouldn't ask someone that weighs 500 pounds to do personal training for you.
12:10
But at the same token, you shouldn't ask somebody with 4 % body fat where the best restaurant is.
12:13
That person doesn't eat.
12:14
You gotta ask Joey that's 500 pounds.
12:16
He's gonna tell you the best restaurant.
12:18
So you have to have mentorship from someone who's done it.
12:20
And creating wealth starts with a mentality.
12:22
It's the way you're looking at money, and it's the way that you're playing in the game.
12:26
a different mindset.
12:28
Secondly, you need to have a personal development path.
12:31
You need to have resources and ways to grow yourself and to improve that's curated.
12:35
It used to be, they told me this, and I think we grew up much more similarly than people that are five or 10 years younger than me, because we're like the last generation to grow
12:41
with social media.
12:43
I remember learning in school, they would say things like the people like in the middle of the country,
12:47
they were ignorant because they didn't have access to these cultural centers and this information, so that's why they're ignorant.
12:52
We have the sum total of all human knowledge in our pocket.
12:55
I don't see any less ignorance.
12:56
It's not a fact of finding the information, it's the curation of the information and the desire to access it.
13:03
Another thing that I recently read that I thought was hysterical is people are arguing in the comments of an Instagram post when there's like 60 % of the American population that
13:11
doesn't read above a sixth grade level.
13:13
So you're arguing with someone that doesn't conceptually understand even what the original post is.
13:17
So you have to educate yourself is the second thing.
13:20
Number three, you have to find a vehicle that's gonna create the outcome.
13:23
I think being a school teacher is a very noble profession, but you're not gonna get wealthy being a teacher.
13:30
And if you're okay with that, I am so thankful that you're gonna teach my kids and do that public service.
13:35
And I think teachers should make more money, but you have to have a vehicle that's going to produce the outcome you want.
13:41
A lot of people, they look at things wrong.
13:43
They're told to go to school, get good grades, get a good job, and do something that you love.
13:47
And no matter how much you love HVAC, HVAC's not gonna create a financially independent lifestyle.
13:52
Owning a significant HVAC business, which very rarely are those guys, the guys that actually know all the technical details of HVAC.
13:59
So you have to have a vehicle.
14:01
You have to know and do something that's gonna give you the proper outcome.
14:03
I don't think any business is better.
14:05
You know, a lot of people don't like network marketing.
14:07
A lot of people do.
14:08
Regardless, I don't think network marketing's the best or...
14:11
Restaurants are the best or real estate's best.
14:13
Every business type is like a tool in a toolbox.
14:15
It's got pros and cons and get you a certain outcome.
14:17
So you just gotta be honest about where you're going.
14:20
But if you have a path, you have personal development resources that you're learning, you have a guide, that's the recipe that I find.
14:28
And then lastly, it takes years of work.
14:30
You know, I've been at my industry for 20 years and I don't think anybody is gonna become a master at something.
14:37
Casually, you know, you have to really.
14:40
make a long-term commitment and we're in this world and it's always been this way.
14:44
People like to shit on the current culture but everyone's always been, you know, instant gratification.
14:49
They were selling...
14:51
in our country, especially in America.
14:54
Because that's what we were kind of raised, like that was the basis of our established, our foundation, our country's foundation.
15:02
So but that's just it's not realistic.
15:04
Nothing lasting is overnight a mushroom grows to full height overnight Redwood tree takes a hundred years to mature you can kick over a mushroom really easy So people want quick
15:14
success, but then it's not lasting you have to very often I have I've met a lot of people you see them sports and acting but people's talents take them to places that their
15:25
character can sustain them and if you don't have the general
15:29
and the slow process of the character development, it's impossible to maintain the responsibility and the success that sometimes your talents can create.
15:39
This is why we see so many celebrities or high profile athletes imploding or taking their own lives and you're like, why did that happen?
15:51
They had everything from the outside.
15:53
the outside.
15:54
You know, it's so important that we don't confuse the game with life.
15:59
Making money is a game.
16:01
It's a higher stakes game than a monopoly game, but it's no different.
16:05
You know, your life is who you are, being honest to yourself, looking in the mirror and respecting and loving the person that you are, having intimate, fulfilling relationships,
16:15
enjoying your life, having gratitude, you know, focusing on the things that matter to you.
16:20
Everything else, I'm not saying money isn't important.
16:23
I've been poor and I've been rich.
16:24
I prefer to be rich, I'll be clear.
16:26
But I am much more proud of the marriage that I built with my wife, where I've been with my wife for 17 years, to the ups and downs, barely making it and really working on that.
16:34
I am much more proud of being a good father to the best of my ability.
16:39
And if I had to choose my multi-million dollar business or those things, I'll take those things every day of the week, because that's what matters.
16:45
And it's why it's important that we keep our schedule and our focus, because it's very easy.
16:49
to get stuck in this chasing, and I find this to be, I find men to be dumber overall, but men very often get stuck in this status game, this vocational success.
16:59
I believe it, believe, I truly believe that to be true.
17:03
I think the more that you keep women out of leadership roles, politics and everything, the worse it gets.
17:07
need a balance.
17:08
think that having a diversity of opinion, a diversity of ideologies, a diversity of everything, while it's difficult,
17:14
to get people that are very different to work together, it's the only way to actually have a holistic approach to things.
17:20
But if you get stuck in chasing vocational success at the best of everything else that matters, you end up having, what are you gonna snuggle up against a pile of money?
17:28
Like I see these influencers and I don't know them, I wanna be careful to pass judgment, but for me, and this is for me speaking personally, there is nothing I can imagine to be a
17:37
bigger nightmare than having a wife and a family and becoming extremely wealthy and famous.
17:43
and then in your 50s divorcing your wife, not being with your kids, and dating a 20 year old.
17:49
I don't care how many hundreds of millions of dollars you got, I don't care how many people, and I'm not judging, I don't know these people and everyone's got their own deal,
17:56
but for Anthony Spark, that feels like the most prolific failure for me that I could ever imagine.
18:04
Yeah.
18:07
Was there a time where you said everything was fine and it wasn't fine beyond, yeah, when you were a kid or after you started making money?
18:20
have a theory that until you're about 25 or so, you can kind of deal.
18:25
So I came from a lot of dysfunction and I got into, and I was a workaholic, and I said, right, I got in business at 17 turning 18, I didn't go to college, and I had a one track
18:33
mind.
18:34
I said, I'm getting financially free and here's where I'm going.
18:37
And I almost got divorced and I had a marriage counseling and everything's fine, fine, fine, sweeping under the rug, because I didn't know what it looked like to have a
18:44
successful marriage.
18:45
I didn't know what it looked like.
18:46
I hadn't had it modeled for me.
18:48
So Nicholas Sparks is divorced.
18:51
People look at these romance novels, the notebook, that guy's divorced.
18:54
That's fiction.
18:55
That's not reality.
18:57
But I got to 25 and I remember a very specific conversation with our counselor and I got to a point where I felt like I can't keep doing this.
19:06
My dad was a womanizer and I said, I'm getting to the point where I might be unfaithful and I'm not gonna do that so I have to get divorced.
19:13
I can't do this.
19:14
And we had a lot of stuff we swept under the rug.
19:16
My wife had co-dependent tendencies.
19:18
I'm tremendously independent and I need my autonomy.
19:21
And we were just at a place where it's like I wasn't angry, but I just didn't, I couldn't see a way forward.
19:27
And one of the things that my counselor had said was he said that you're cheating on your wife.
19:32
And I said, listen, I'm really fucking fucked up, but I don't cheat on my wife.
19:36
I've never cheated on my wife.
19:38
And he said, well, your mistress is your business and you give all your time and all your emotional energy to your business.
19:45
and that's where all of everything goes and you leave your wife nothing.
19:49
So there was a time and we had to work really hard to fight for my marriage and that was my wife because I basically said I'm out of here, I can't do this and she said no.
19:56
She just said no, I'm not leaving.
19:59
And that was one of the most transformative periods in my life and I'm not proud of a lot of those different things.
20:05
working through it, one of the things I talk to people when they're really struggling in a relationship and obviously you need to two parties that are willing to participate and
20:12
there's unique situations.
20:14
But I believe that you can get divorced and remarry the same person by changing the relationship and changing yourselves.
20:23
Because the reality is that we're not, me and Cal are not the same.
20:27
We did get divorced because we're new people with a new relationship.
20:31
And you can quit your job, quit your life, and show up to the same life in a different way.
20:34
You don't actually have to move to Montana and do that thing that we try to do, like I'm just gonna run away and everything, and then every of problems follow.
20:42
You can quit where you are and change.
20:45
Yes, well when you just said you can get divorced and remarry the same person, in my head I was immediately thinking, but it's not the same person.
20:55
And you're not the same person.
20:57
And the only way it works is actually if you are two different people, because you have come to a different level of growth.
21:06
Yeah.
21:07
So I know in my own experience, and I can only speak from my experience, and I do my best because different people got different values, they got different beliefs, and I'm not
21:14
here to say that I'm right.
21:16
I'm just speaking from what I believe.
21:18
But fighting for my marriage and the relationship and the real emotional intimacy and being with my wife for me is the biggest success of my life.
21:26
If I'm going to be known by anything, that's the thing I'm most proud of.
21:29
The money, the businesses, the influence, the speak engagements around the world, they're nice, but nothing holds a candle to that.
21:35
When I take my kids, when I do a speaking engagement, one of the things that I do my best, when I go and I do something, say, mommy and daddy go help other mommies and daddies be
21:43
home like you.
21:44
This is an act of service.
21:45
You're the most important.
21:46
We speak to room of a thousand, two thousand, five thousand people.
21:49
It's I tell my kids, you guys are more important than everybody else in this room.
21:53
You know, I'm not confused that having fans, fans do not ever replace real relations.
22:00
Mm-hmm.
22:02
Yeah.
22:04
You said something and I was gonna, it prompted a thought and then I continued listening and it went out.
22:12
It's all good.
22:12
You're giving some good key takeaways here.
22:16
Yeah.
22:17
All right, well, maybe it will come back.
22:19
In the meantime, you mentioned you actually changed your name.
22:25
What's that story?
22:26
So my legal original name was Anthony D.
22:30
John Tommaso.
22:31
13 letters, long Italian name.
22:33
So um I'll give you kind of the order of why I changed my name, but I'll give you the story that I never forgot.
22:40
I actually re-remembered it recently, actually last night at a speaking engagement that I had, because I hadn't thought about it in a while, but I was 17.
22:46
I'd just gotten my license.
22:48
I'm a senior in high school and I'm rushing back to school.
22:51
and I'm driving like 60 on a side road and I blow a stop sign and I get pulled over.
22:56
And I think everyone can remember the first time you get pulled over, you feel like you're gonna die.
23:00
know, like you are so terrified.
23:02
You are so terrified, right?
23:04
So I get pulled over and like, I'm like, my God.
23:07
So the cop comes up and they're like, you just ran that stop sign.
23:10
Why are you driving like that?
23:12
And I was like terrified, you know?
23:14
And it was a female police officer, which was equally terrified.
23:17
ah So anyway, so she takes my license back and she comes back.
23:20
And she said, you have a warrant for your arrest.
23:22
And I'm like, no, no.
23:25
And now I'm basically dying.
23:26
I'm basically having a panic attack.
23:28
But my name is the same as my dad's.
23:30
I'm not a junior.
23:31
I have a middle name.
23:32
He doesn't have a middle name.
23:33
So I changed my name for a few reasons.
23:37
And my dad's never forgiven me for it.
23:39
But first off, I come from a line of people that are brilliant, but are tremendously dysfunctional.
23:46
And I come from a long line of substance abuse,
23:49
mental illness, broken marriages, womanizers.
23:52
My grandfather did heroin until he was like 60, 65.
23:56
He weighed like 350, 400 pounds.
23:58
He quit heroin.
23:59
He's like, I want to get gastric bypass surgery.
24:01
And the doctor's like, you're not healthy enough.
24:02
He's like, well, run my labs.
24:03
And he ran his labs.
24:04
He was healthy as an ox.
24:05
He got bad gastric bypass, that's 200 pounds.
24:08
So I come from a long line of, have very good genetics and I can abuse my body because everyone that did that died.
24:15
So I've been weeded out.
24:17
So I want to have a different family legacy.
24:19
was a primary thing.
24:20
was almost, you know, kind of like that biblical thing where you're changing your name.
24:24
I want to have a different family legacy.
24:26
I'm not trying to redeem this legacy.
24:28
I want to start fresh.
24:30
Sounds really cool.
24:31
And, you know, the gentle, like extra benefits is as a speaker and an author, no one can say Dijon Tomaso.
24:37
They can say Spark.
24:38
Sounds great.
24:39
It's got great connotations, you know, and then my name, my kid's names are really cool.
24:43
It's because I picked both.
24:44
It's Phoenix Spark, Pierce Spark, Ember Spark, and Stella Spark.
24:49
So those were kind of the main reasons that I did.
24:52
huh.
24:52
And how did you come to spark as you know, like you have a uh unlimited amount of words you could have chosen.
25:00
so I felt like it was befitting.
25:02
A friend of mine actually founded Darien.
25:05
He's like, why don't you do Spark?
25:06
I'm like, I think I love that.
25:08
Because it's got a play off Tony Stark as a book by Robert Cialdini called Pre-Swayze.
25:13
It talks about how your name makes a very big impact on how you're perceived psychologically.
25:21
So between the psychological connotations, the basis of it being beneficial, it'd be befitting of who I am.
25:27
That's how we chose it.
25:28
But my friend Darien.
25:29
to give credit to him.
25:31
And at what age did you change?
25:33
right before my kids were born, so it's probably like 29.
25:37
Okay.
25:39
And do you feel like you stepped through a door from and leak between that last, the past life and this new life with a different name?
25:48
I do.
25:49
And I don't really think it's, I think it's a psychological thing.
25:52
think it's, whatever you believe to be true is true, you know?
25:56
But I do.
25:57
I do feel like that was a line in the sand that I drew where this is gonna be a new family.
26:03
and you were already married.
26:06
So did she change her name too?
26:08
Or did she not take your name in the first place?
26:10
That's a...
26:11
thing is, you know, she wasn't going to, and then she's like, all right, I will, because I'm like, it's going to be confusing for the kids.
26:17
you know, listen, I'm pro-feminism movement.
26:20
I'm not, I'm just for like organizational things, you know?
26:23
You want to hyphenate, whatever.
26:25
So, but we went to the court and then like the judge got sick.
26:27
So like it never actually went through and we never got back to the court.
26:30
So she never ended up finishing changing it.
26:32
So she's she's still Davis technically.
26:34
So we just use Spark colloquially, but on her legal documents, she never changed her maiden name because of that funny thing.
26:40
She never changed it to jump to mas, so we never went back and just passed.
26:45
Got it, all right.
26:47
Well, what has been one of the biggest, I mean, you've given a lot of great key takeaways.
26:57
What's one of the biggest things that you want to pass on to your kids?
27:05
I want to pass on to my kids that being who you are and walking your individual path is the most important thing.
27:13
That whatever you choose and whoever you want to be, you can't let me or your mom or society, you need to do what you need to do.
27:22
And you need to trust your instinct and you need to not listen to try to conform to what other people think you should be.
27:28
You should not do what you think you want me, what you want me for you to do.
27:33
You need to do.
27:34
whatever is best for you, need to become yourself.
27:37
And whatever that takes you, regardless of me being extremely unhappy if you move to Australia or something, you need to do the things that you need to do.
27:45
Now, in the same token, you I asked my daughters, said, where are you gonna live when you get married?
27:49
And said, I'm gonna live with daddy.
27:50
And I said, right.
27:51
But ultimately, the real answer, the real answer, because I got three daughters, but the real answer is I want them to be proud of who they are and not try to be somebody that
28:01
they're not.
28:02
I want them to be kind to everybody.
28:04
I do my best to make sure that if someone is being bullied or being othered or put aside, whether because they have a social condition or they're disabled or they're just
28:17
different, that you go above and beyond to do your best to alleviate human suffering because that's the only thing that matters.
28:26
mean, suffering's a constant and you can't take someone else's suffering away, but you can brighten it.
28:31
and you can do your best to be a light in people's
28:35
But now some would say that suffering is a choice.
28:39
Like going through a circumstance, maybe not a choice, but the suffering part is a choice.
28:45
Victor Frankl, Mansearch for Meaning, Alan Watts, for sure.
28:49
You know, uh I forget his name, oh I'm trying to think of.
28:53
It's like Edward, he's like a philosopher, I forget his name exactly.
28:57
But um yeah, for sure, power to Eckhart Tolle, power to...
29:02
But yeah, for sure.
29:03
And you can't take someone suffering away, but you certainly don't have to add to it, you know.
29:08
Right, you can help alleviate it and like you said, not add to it.
29:13
How are you, go ahead.
29:15
suffering.
29:16
I'm a very high driving, high intensity person, very ambitious.
29:21
have a tremendous amount of candor, which if not done properly can be unnecessarily unkind.
29:29
But I think it's really important to keep that in
29:33
Yeah, yeah, that comes from your New Yorkness.
29:36
It does.
29:36
And my personality and my temperament, for sure.
29:41
I think I mentioned this in another podcast.
29:44
So, so my regular listeners have probably heard it before, but I recently came across this discussion on social about kindness versus niceness and how New Yorkers or East coast.
30:00
was actually like East coast, West coast, but it was really like New York versus LA that New Yorkers are kind, but not nice versus LA.
30:09
They're nice, but they're not kind.
30:10
hate nice.
30:11
Nice is the kindest thing you can do is be honest.
30:17
Being nice never helps anyone grow and it's just bullshitting.
30:22
You know, I'm not saying to not be kind, but I don't think being nice is a virtue that anybody should try to live up to.
30:30
You need to be honest, you need to be authentic, you should be kind, you should keep in mind that this other person is someone's son or someone's daughter.
30:37
treat them with the respect.
30:38
I don't think you should treat somebody differently based on their station or their socioeconomic status like I mentioned earlier.
30:43
But just being nice?
30:46
No.
30:47
No.
30:47
Not for me.
30:48
Yeah, they're not and let's mention they're not mutually exclusive.
30:51
You can be kind and nice.
30:53
you can, but I'm all about
30:56
Okay, Anthony, what is the song that you listen to when you need an extra boost of energy?
31:04
I mean, you clearly have plenty of energy, but when you need to ramp it up just a notch.
31:11
so I'll give a few because you would ask me this and I can't pick just one.
31:16
We're gonna start, because like I said, it's not a few.
31:20
Yeah, I have a whole playlist.
31:21
Maybe I'll link a playlist to the freaking podcast, because I love that.
31:26
But I love This Is Me, the Reimagine remix with Keel Settle and Missy Elliott.
31:31
Love that.
31:32
ah How Far I'll Go actually is from Moana.
31:35
There's a remix by No Resolve.
31:37
It's like a punk emo version.
31:38
ah Middle Finger.
31:41
by Bones.
31:43
I love Eminem.
31:44
I'm a big Eminem fan.
31:46
I love Ren.
31:47
Ren Money Game, he's got a bunch of great songs, great artists.
31:52
I love Alex Warren, Burning It Down.
31:55
I get a lot out of people telling me, you can't do something, you're not gonna be there, you'll never make it.
32:01
And anything of proving that wrong.
32:04
Ed Sheeran's got a new song, A Little More.
32:07
He also has opening from his new album, I love Ed Sheeran.
32:11
cancelled by Taylor Swift.
32:12
He's going on tour.
32:13
I'm going to that concert.
32:14
Macklemore's opening.
32:15
I love Macklemore.
32:16
I could listen to Macklemore all day.
32:19
But I also like my wife's a Swiftie and I love her artistic.
32:24
Anyone that hates on Taylor Swift, she is a unbelievable artist whether you prefer.
32:29
Yeah, but her new song cancelled.
32:31
I love that one.
32:32
All my favorite friends and all my best friends are cancelled.
32:34
Love it.
32:34
So anything that says you can't do it and you did it and you overcame.
32:39
It's a little bit angry, a little bit like, fuck you, is my high five.
32:43
I love that.
32:45
so Avril Lavigne must be in there somewhere too.
32:49
She's another one.
32:50
2000s alternative, I love it, absolutely.
32:53
Red Hot Chili Peppers, Goo Goo Dolls, can't get enough of it.
32:57
I love it.
32:57
All right, well, we'll put a link to whatever playlist you send me a link to.
33:01
I'll put it in the show notes.
33:03
What I also want to put in the show notes is a way for people to get in touch with you if they want to continue this conversation.
33:09
What is that?
33:10
so I started a, because my passion is coaching.
33:12
have 20 years of network marketing, I love it.
33:14
And if someone's looking to build a business that, that's wonderful.
33:16
But my real passion is the coaching, helping people accomplish the life they want.
33:21
So I have Spark or Change Coaching is a new brand that I started.
33:24
The website is up.
33:26
It's not all finished because I got my virtual assistant, I to get a bunch of more assets, but you could go there.
33:31
And if you're looking for coaching or direction, you know, I'm doing it, it's bespoke.
33:34
It's small, I'm not doing it.
33:36
Obviously, if someone doesn't pay for coaching, it doesn't work.
33:39
But my primary goal with it is I really wanna make a difference and have a small group of people, maybe 10, maybe 15 more people that I coach and mentor.
33:46
But I'm happy to do a half an hour free discovery call for everyone that listens and get to know you personally.
33:52
And whether I can help in that half an hour, we end up going into more of a long-term coaching thing.
33:56
be an honor to speak to you.
33:57
So you can email me, my phone number, you can text me.
34:00
I always give my phone number out.
34:01
The reality is almost no one will text.
34:03
because no one reaches out, this is my real number, it's not a Google number, it's 631-327-2241.
34:07
You wanna connect, you wanna text me, I can help you and serve you at all, happy to.
34:15
I invite anyone who's listening to take that offer.
34:21
Reach out, be different, do something that other people aren't doing and send the text.
34:28
Only doors that open are the ones you knock on.
34:31
That's right.
34:31
Anthony, thank you so much for joining me today on Fine Is the Four Letter Word.
34:35
barely made it.
34:36
I barely made it on here.
34:37
I'm glad that I was able to make the cut for the...
34:40
I almost didn't make it.
34:42
I almost didn't make the cut.
34:43
I'm so glad that I made it.
34:45
And so thankful that you let me on.
34:46
That's right.
34:47
We didn't talk about that story.
34:49
I rejected him.
34:50
So here we are at the end.
34:51
We're about to wrap up.
34:53
I will just tell you all quick.
34:55
Anthony sent me an email.
34:56
I said no.
34:57
He came back with a response that was completely legit.
35:02
And I said, all right, let's get on a call.
35:03
And now here we are.
35:06
Yeah.
35:06
much nicer and kinder than me.
35:08
So I didn't even realize she was...
35:09
She's like, oh, I'm so glad you responded to my rejection.
35:12
I didn't even know it was rejection.
35:13
was so...
35:16
Thank you again for being here, Anthony.
35:19
Take care.