Latest / Jess Ask / Holiday Harmony: Embracing Joy Amidst Parental Separation during the Holidays | EP31

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Holiday Harmony: Embracing Joy Amidst Parental Separation during the Holidays | EP31 · Jess Ask

0:06
Hey, it's your girl, Jess. You've just entered a safe space for
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Kingdom entrepreneurs and creatives to decompress, have fun, and yeah, you've guessed
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it a safe place to just ask before we get into it. Be sure
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to subscribe and download the podcast, follow me on all platforms at the Jessica
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es Smith and Invital friend. Also make sure you DM me your feedback and
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questions so we can keep the conversation going. Now, let's get into this
0:41
week's episode. My red hair is poping, My red hair is cool.
0:45
All the girls be jacket and they see me after school. Yep, yeah,
0:52
okay, you didn't like that, so red hare popping. It's popping,
1:02
it's popping, it ain't stopping. I'm so tickled. That's original.
1:08
Off the Real, Off the dome, baby. Okay, y'all, y'all,
1:15
y'all, y'all, y'all, y'all made it to another week of Just
1:19
As the Post podcast, where we create a safe space for Kingdom entrepreneurs and
1:26
creatives to have fun, decompressed, and guess what, just as Hello,
1:33
let's get into it. You guys, tell a ray how you doing?
1:34
Baby girl? I am fantastic? Are you fantastic, fantastic. And that's
1:40
that's a real answer. You know what. I'm happy for you. That's
1:44
that's real you. You deserve to be fantastic, a real fantastic. You
1:48
know, y'all, I just heard something. I ain't finnask like. I
1:49
ain't y'all know, y'all saw me, look like if you watching on YouTube,
1:53
I looked, I looked. I heard something. You know. You
1:56
can't let black folks hear too many sounds listen because I because I'm more one
2:02
of up like and she mhmm, I hear some anyway. Yeah, No,
2:09
same movement, No same movement. No, be still, be still.
2:12
Everybody, be still, everybody, everybody, everybody be still still.
2:15
You know one thing I do love about black people, like, we're gonna
2:20
if we we scaled someone, we're gonna be We're gonna be in fear together.
2:23
Listen, if something going down, we're gonna be in sync. Ain't
2:29
we're not leaving Listen. You ain't got to know. Want somebody to take
2:32
off running, okay, ain't no questions why we're running? Why are we
2:38
asking questions? It's no questions. We asked, just get up. If
2:42
a more start mhm I'm hey, baby girl, what you hear? She'd
2:47
be tripping sometimes, but we over here in these streets. Okay, y'all.
2:53
I'm excited about this episode. Like, I'm excited about this episode because
2:57
it gives me another opportunity to be, you know, share something about out
3:00
myself that I've been like, this has been on my mind. What we
3:02
talk about today, Jesse Oh is Holiday Seasons. It's a producer that got
3:07
got the little voice over like this holiday season it is, I think so
3:14
maybe his name is Holiday Season. I don't know. I don't know,
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but don't quote me on that. Don't call it. It's on some ratchet
3:21
songs. Yeah it's a holiday Yeah, yeah, the name or not.
3:27
Maybe it might be his name, but you know, everybody got a little
3:29
tadline or whatever. I don't know, you know, it's like Mike Will
3:32
made it, like, you know, but his his name is actually Mike
3:36
Will, I think if I'm not mistaken, But you know what, that's
3:39
not my lane. So I don't even know why I'm attempting to talk about
3:45
it right now, but yeah, we in holiday season, and so let
3:49
me start off with this. This is Ray, what are you planning for
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the holidays. What are you planning? Like, I know, Thanksgiving just
3:55
past. What about Christmas? You know, I am you know, not
4:03
like anti holiday is at all. You know, like you know people let
4:10
some people put their tree up on November the first. Yeah, yeah,
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that's never been me, that story and nothing like that. I just love
4:17
I just like the spirit of the holidays, and honestly, I just I'm
4:21
just looking forward to waking up on Christmas and just being in the bed.
4:27
Okay, So I'm glad you brought you said that because I thought I was
4:30
weird. Yeah, no, like I'm gonna go home. I went home
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Thanksgiving to hang out with my mom and my grandmama. Neim ate good,
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you know what I'm saying. And I traveled home for Thanksgiving because on Christmas,
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I just want to be at home. I don't have family here locally,
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so it's me traveling somewhere and I don't want to have to do it.
4:50
Okay, that's ray when I tell you, like we purpose partners for
4:54
real, I don't want to have to do that. Okay, So tell
4:56
me your reason. Tell me your reason, because I'm ready for man that
5:00
I don't want to travel. Yeah, Like, what what makes you just
5:02
want to instead of doing the traditional things or when we see other people do
5:09
because both of us are single, yes right now, that's right now,
5:15
both of us sing around that in this moment, in the moment, right
5:19
now again, it's gonna change anyway. What makes you because for me,
5:27
let me just talk. Let me say this. I feel pressure at times,
5:31
and I'm recently, I just more recently got into a state where I'm
5:36
just like, I don't care. I don't I've had a lot of single
5:44
holiday seasons, right and I feel like sometimes I don't, like I don't
5:47
have children. You know, a lot of times you know, families,
5:50
you know parents, you know they make Christmas speak for their kids, you
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know. And I can remember time. I can remember. I can remember
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my mom like Christmas was a big deal because she it was like and she
6:02
let me know that them gifts was my death came. They came from home
6:09
and one of no Santa Claus for who is there my MoMA, who is
6:13
Rudolph? Who is my heart? On money and bought these presents for you?
6:19
Okay, but it was just so it was just I just remember like
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waking up as a kid because my mom was real creative the one Christmas I
6:26
remember for real is that she made me a Barbara Doll house out of cardboard
6:32
boxes. Like she stacked them, so it was like a two story situation.
6:36
She had laid the inside out of like carpet and like towel pieces,
6:42
and she had liket like Barbara Doll furniture and stuff like that. And I
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just, for some reason, I just remember waking up and seeing that because
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she was just so creative. I know, I get both of my parents
6:51
are creative in different ways, but I remember that feeling, you know what
6:55
I'm saying. But I just don't have that feeling because I mean, like,
6:59
it's not like I'm trying to make Christmas for anybody, right, and
7:01
so like it's almost kind of like sometimes if you're not booed up or you
7:08
know, in a family and be like, you just gotta figure this thing
7:11
out by yourself exactly. So I am grateful that I do have. I've
7:15
made really good friends up here that reach out. So even like for Thanksgiving
7:18
and one of my friends reached out and asked me, I'm gonna be here
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because she was inviting me over for her and her family and stuff like that,
7:25
and so for me the holidays. It's cool. It's not like a
7:27
bitter space. I just I'm grateful to be in a season or in a
7:31
space where I can just do what I want to listen, I can do
7:33
what I want to. I don't have to like ask, hey, you
7:35
want to go hear we're doing this? Do that? Like no, i'ma
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I'm gonna go home and see my people for Thanksgiving. Typically every year this
7:43
is kind of I travel for one holiday and then the other holiday. I
7:46
just want to kind of just sit and be So that's beautiful. I'm just
7:49
now entering that that space like of being okay, like not having plans for
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the holidays, not having to be with my family. If I love my
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family, then I'll see you outside the holiday, right and so what now?
8:03
I will say the one tradition that I have during I have had during
8:05
the holiday is being with my dad's side of the family for New Year's Eve.
8:11
That's not happening this year because we made some adjustment to the family business
8:16
and we made our one our one thing is we gathered together during you know,
8:24
during some point point during that year. And so eat my grandmother had
8:30
eight kids and so everybody has a time where they're responsible for hosting. So
8:35
whenever we made it a whare, whenever you want to host, you let
8:39
us know during that time, we'll come together and we'll fellowship. That's the
8:43
that's the model it used to be. Traditionally it has been New Year's so
8:50
we could bring in the new year, New Year's, New Year together.
8:54
But we more recently just made that change and we turned up for Labor Days.
8:58
Okay, so I don't even know what I'm doing for a New Year,
9:03
but I'm not even stressed out about it. Like this is the first
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year I have not been stressed out about it. I used to be,
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like you said earlier, like also caught up because okay, it's the pressure.
9:13
Like that's what just came back and you talked about pressure. Oh,
9:16
you got to have somebody or do something. You gotta be You're supposed to
9:22
operate in a certain type of space because that's what culture and society say.
9:24
But who you can create your own story. But the thing is, like
9:28
even watching these Christmas holiday movies and all that stuff like that, it's all
9:33
centered around family, and everybody doesn't have like blood family to go to be
9:37
with, Like right now, I'm in a different city than my family,
9:43
all right. And then even for Thanksgiving, my family went most of my
9:48
family went to Disney World. Well I had to go work my nine to
9:52
five, Like I couldn't go to Disney World. I didn't get to go
9:58
to Disney World. You know, I'm not mad about it. Of course
10:01
I would love to be in my family, but I have I have a
10:05
responsibility. My family is not paying my bills. I am okay, you're
10:07
adulting. I'm adulting. This is adulting. And so even in the past,
10:15
in the past, like in the past few years, it's just being
10:18
me and my mom and like we'll figure out we're gonna cook one day.
10:22
One one Thanksgiving, we did a seafood boil or whatever she cooked the seafood
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or whatnot. But I did this year, I, you know, cook
10:31
for myself. Like I'm trying to, you know, be prepared for prepared.
10:37
I'm trying to fear from me. Did you fix a plate too,
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like a visible person plate? Yeah, like room. That's literally like what
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I've really heart. People say that they'll fix the See, that's not my
10:50
calling, that's not what the Lord had told me to do. I'm just
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you know when or like you know, you go in your closet and you
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make a little you leave a little a little room. And so no,
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I'm not even I'm not that people, I'm not heard. It's not I'm
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not I'm not feelna do that. That's that's a whole nother I don't have.
11:13
That's a prophetic act for somebody else. That ain't my prophetic. My
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prophetic egg is actually cooking, because your girl, let's start there first,
11:24
start with cooking first, and then we'll fix the plate. It got for
11:28
the plate to be fixed, it got something, Okay, So that's what
11:31
I did. That's that's what I did. Okay, But now even you
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know, just thinking about it, like not even just like for my man,
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you know what I'm saying, my me and I can't wait to say
11:41
that I'm having a toe T shirt. But just even thinking about my past
11:48
with my my childhood, you can relate. Well, your parents weren't married,
11:54
right, but my parents were, and so when they experience when I
12:01
experienced divorce with them, there was some shifting that happened, and the agreement
12:07
that agreement made was different holidays, like my mom would they would switch out.
12:18
I think that would switch out Thanksgiving and Christmas. But because my dad
12:22
had that, my dad's side of the family had that tradition, who would
12:24
always be New Year's New Years. So New Year's was thank you Holy Spirit.
12:30
I never thought about this. I loved New Year's because it was the
12:33
most consistent holiday that I had. I knew what I was doing, Like,
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I knew what I was doing, and it was no question about it.
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So I had something to look forward to, right, Yeah, I
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had something to look forward through the holidays. But because my parents, the
12:48
experience of my parents divorcing kind of robbed me of having your traditional Thanksgiving,
12:54
your traditional Christmas. Yeah, they you know, gathered us gifts and but
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I didn't know. One year I was waking up in my dad's house and
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the the other year I was waking up at my mom's house with Christmas and
13:07
vice versa when it was time for Thanksgiving. Which Thanksgiving has not been the
13:11
same since my memo pass like it has not been the same since my memo
13:16
pass. Like I used to love going to Mississippi for Thanksgiving. Okay,
13:20
that was my favorite, and when she passed, it just it just changed.
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It just shifted. I don't know, if we ever bounced back as
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a family on that side just traditionally with doing something, you know, And
13:35
so I got to look forward to certain things. But when those things passed,
13:41
passed over and they're gone, like what do I have to look to
13:43
look forward to? And then it made matters worse. When I won't say
13:46
matters worse, that might not be the right correct phrase to use. But
13:52
when my sister got married, the dynamics started to shift. Oh, they
13:56
even shifted even the more because now they traditionally go to his side of the
14:05
family for Thanksgiving or and then of course she got three kids, so now
14:11
she has Chris, she has a family to do these holidays with. And
14:16
I don't say I look like boo the food, but that's how I felt.
14:18
I'm never looked like boooo. Everybody's like what she doing? What she
14:22
doing? I don't know, because everybody else is doing stuff with their family,
14:26
like oh, this is Oh. I've never said this out loud,
14:30
experiencing watching my dad and my bonus mom go to her people's place. You
14:37
know what I'm saying. I don't be careful with my words here. It
14:43
made me feel some type of way. It made me feel some type of
14:48
way yes, yes, and then looking at my little brother actually having structure
14:56
for places like he knows what being with his family looks like with both parents
15:01
on either hollad. He don't have to question it. He doesn't have to
15:05
question it. And y'all I might sound mad. I'm not mad, I
15:09
promise y'all. I'm not mad, but just looking at my little brother's life
15:13
compared to my life at the age he is eight years old. Wow,
15:20
the same age that I was experienced a divorce with my parents. So I'm
15:26
looking at my thirty one year old self versus his eight year old self getting
15:31
experience. I'm not mad or josus. I love my little brother. I'm
15:33
happy that he gets to experience the love and the laughter. I'm glad it's
15:39
different for him. However, I never thought that this would be something like
15:45
this. My grown self would have to figure and maneuver this out. Nobody's
15:50
you know when, Okay, So when we talk about divorce and we talk
15:56
about separation, and we talk about structuring with kids, I think that should
16:00
be there should be a conversation that's had with me an adolescent like I wish
16:07
my adolescent self would have been able to be talked to and say, hey,
16:11
when you get older, I know it might seem a little off or
16:12
whatever, because you know, you'll have all these choices and I feel pressured,
16:17
Like I really feel pressure, Like what should I do with my dad?
16:19
What should I do with my mom? Is my mom gonna do anything
16:25
right? Is my mom gonna be available? Or is my dad gonna be
16:29
with his in laws? You know what I'm saying, Like, and not
16:33
to say that that we don't I don't like them or whatever. And it's
16:36
nothing like that, cause I there's a specific cousin that's really fun of me
16:41
on my mother bonus mom's side, but it's just not that relationship, Like
16:45
I don't have that type of relationship with them. They're lovely people. I
16:49
love them. They are lovely people. I just don't have that type of
16:52
relationship to be going over to say, hey, y'all, I'm finna get
16:55
a piece of chicken that laid up because I want to chill, like I
16:56
want to be able to be me, you know what I'm saying. And
17:02
I don't. I've not developed that level of relationship just to be free and
17:04
be me, you know what I'm saying I would have to keep a level
17:07
of guard up because I don't have that relationship. And so just when people
17:12
well, just experience being the result, like a thirty one being the re
17:18
having the experience of my parents not being married kind of kind of made it
17:23
challenging for decisions like that because no one ever taught me how to make that
17:29
decision and be okay with for one, being with my with myself, I
17:33
don't want to say by myself, but with myself for those significant days of
17:37
the year. And then it's like, girl, you wainit on somebody else
17:41
to give you a gift, or you might be weighing on somebody else to
17:45
say, invite you there, And there's another thing like if I'm not inviting,
17:47
I'm not coming. That's why I love Stacey. That was like,
17:51
I know I'm skipping around, but I'm not skipping around, but it's flowing.
17:55
Stacey. Shout out to you, Stacy. I love her family.
17:57
I love her family time I go around her family, especially grand daddy.
18:03
Grandaddy that's Bay right now. I love him. I love him. They
18:07
Oh my goodness, they family talk about love baby love. Okay. I
18:15
experienced one of the best Christmases last year with her family and I can't even
18:23
I can't even explain what they do. So basically they find out even if
18:30
you're bringing somebody extra. Everybody literally got left something with something. I didn't
18:34
even know I was getting anything. And I said down and cried like the
18:37
baby, Like it wasn't even about the gift. It was like I was
18:41
thought of, like somebody considered me that they and not to say because my
18:45
auntie and uncle, you know, they invited me for Thanksgiving, but it
18:51
just didn't logistically make sense, like I don't want to always have to come,
18:55
like I don't want to always have to go to people, like like
18:56
you said, i'd be tired of traveling. I travel all year. This
19:00
is my one day off and it's on a Thursday. It's on a Thursday.
19:06
I can't And then you gotta consider, you know what I'm saying.
19:08
You got so much to consider. Now. I might have a little bit
19:11
more will going wrong with Christmas and New Years, but still it's on Monday
19:15
this year, both of them, and the next day I gotta go to
19:18
work. Yep. And that's it, Like, yeah, hallelujah, holiday
19:22
holiday season until I'm a full time entrepreneur. I can't turn up like that.
19:27
I don't have the flexibility like that. No more, I still work
19:30
for somebody's job. I still work for somebody's job. So I and then
19:33
I just had to, like this year more recently, be okay, be
19:41
okay with making a decision. Yeah, Like, and I've never had so
19:48
much peace about that, like, okay, if I if I'm around for
19:52
Christmas, like I'm probably gonna be with Stacy for Christmas because I enjoyed myself
19:55
so much, probably so it was it was a blessed type. That's the
20:00
beautiful thing. You can make that choice. Yeah, you can make that
20:04
choice based on how you feeling, what you want, not necessarily predicated on
20:07
it. Because because sometimes I think we make decisions, I get to speak
20:11
for myself because I'm deal with people pleasing. Sometimes the decisions that I made
20:19
were based on what I've thought other people wanted or I was considering their feelings.
20:25
You know what I'm saying, Oh, I want to go because I
20:26
don't want to. I don't want to. I don't want them to feel
20:27
like you know, I don't like them or nothing like that. Yeah,
20:33
let me say I said, wone down we just wone out. That's how
20:37
woone out. You be wore out? Like you the one who gotta pay
20:41
for that gas you want, who gotta drive by yourself? You the one
20:44
who have to make you know what I'm saying, And did you make it
20:47
by two and a half hours? About doing a half hours? Like?
20:52
And I you know, I appreciate like even a possible. How last year
20:56
they invited me to Thanksgiving and I was just like, now, I do
21:00
regret not going there. M yeah, I do regret not going to the
21:08
house for Thanksgiving that year. And I was just so people won't think this
21:19
is just like an awkward pause. Okay, so last year was Pastor Mills,
21:26
who is the wife of or the wife of Apostle. How I talked
21:32
to you all about multiple times my spiritual father, and she's the reason why
21:36
we you know, she cultivated that relationship with all of us and learned that
21:40
I was in the city that I was in, you know, pretty much
21:44
by myself or whatever, didn't really have family in this city of that city,
21:47
and they just started loving on me and were cooking post House makes the
21:52
best kool Aid and lentils. Okay, those are the two quests I have
21:56
for him, tell me to hear this apostle best kool aid and lentils.
22:03
And so I do regret not making that move. I do. And regret
22:08
is a strong word for me. So for me to use that word because
22:12
I believe it's like I don't think I should regret anything. No, I
22:17
regret that. And so after that it kind of went downhill. But that
22:23
day she actually cooked. She cooked, I think from my understanding, and
22:27
so but I do have people that, you know, I get to be
22:33
around and communicate with and talk to. But then, like I just I
22:38
think, like you said earlier, like I think it's important to learn how
22:42
to enjoy yourself. Why you can because that like when we get to the
22:47
point of being married whatever, we got to figure out this stuff out.
22:49
And I'm a profess that I'm gonna love my in laws and stuff like that.
22:53
But I I see folks that like don't even like the in laws,
22:57
like people close to me, I don't even I don't like being around my
23:02
in laws. I don't like doing this around my laws. I'm like,
23:03
what are you talking about? What? What are you discussing right now?
23:08
Oh? Fast forward, let me tell y'all something. Let me tell y'all
23:11
something. The Woman of God greeted me with Christmas trees. So there's a
23:17
right be all, y'all. There's a right be all y'all. She be
23:22
all y'all. She said, just got something for y'all, said laugh.
23:26
Last I said, no for real, And that's so crazy because it's just
23:30
like I feel like I'm so simple to please. I'm so simple to please,
23:36
super simple to please. And she had two, not one, but
23:41
two Christmas trees. I was a side walked in the store and I saw
23:45
the box. I didn't see. I wasn't gonna do you. I was
23:48
gonna do you dirty. I know. We just came out for ten ten
23:49
days, I said, asking to give this box, but I'm gonna give
23:52
a two. I'm gonna use in this thing because we still got some time
23:56
to go. But I saw it, and this, this was what made
24:00
me think about Initially, I would say I'm not affectionate, right, And
24:04
it's not that I'm not affectionate. I just realized I'm just not the touch
24:07
of Philly person. But I love people, right. So when I walked
24:11
in and I saw the box of Christmas trees, I said, Jessica said,
24:15
I'm gonna get these for her, and it just been I was just
24:18
like, I was so excited when you got here. I say, I'm
24:21
gona take my to the box because I'm not gonna get her this box because
24:22
it was five in the box. I even' do you like this I get
24:25
I'm gona give it two because I ate one on the way. They are
24:30
addicting, y'all, I'm gonna give her two. And I was just like,
24:33
oh, man, I just can't wait to see her face. And
24:33
she hung man. Yeah, that that really that really made my day.
24:40
So thank you. So I know that was random, y'all, but I
24:42
want y'all to know that she beat y'all to So go ahead and send me
24:48
my Deby cake Christmas Christmas trees. Okay, so I can go ahead and
24:52
put them in a freezer. Yes, you know, black folk everything,
24:59
so probably even supposed to go in the freezer. To put it in the
25:02
freezer, Hey, you just let it, let it sit out and throw
25:04
out. But I just learned that the dressing is better when you I know
25:08
this is so random, but dressing is better when it's come out. The
25:14
bread come out the freezer. Or something like that. Yeah, first time
25:17
making dressing, and I didn't know that was the thing that made the difference.
25:22
So I ain't listen, I ain't never now my grandma cooked, cook
25:26
even if eate it, She's gonna be eighty eight. That's a blessing.
25:30
She's gonna be eighty eight in decembol this much, we'll be in she gonna
25:36
be on December. The knife, my grandma's gonna be eighty eight and can
25:41
still go in the kitchen and throw it down, throw it down. And
25:45
I grew up around my grandparents a lot, and so I really shouldn't have
25:48
no excuse on not being able to bake because during the holidays, like she
25:52
was baking for other people, so it was easy for her to bake,
25:56
you know, twenty five thirty cakes, fifteen twenty pies, and have dressing
26:00
orders and all these things. So I was in there, you know,
26:03
holding the mixing stuff, and I you know, couldn't even you know,
26:06
dressing is not something that I have a desire to make on my own.
26:10
I'm gonna utilize my mom and my grandma while they still the matter of fact,
26:15
I had said, Granny, I'm coming for Thanksgiving. Can I bring
26:18
me some dressing back and she said yes, and so I brought some dress.
26:22
Let me tell you something. I make a mean macaroni and cheese is
26:26
mean. It's mean. Real me isn't mean. It's mean. Okay,
26:30
I will, I will go total toe with you now. So they're in
26:34
that situation where you go to the family function and they ask who make the
26:37
macaroni and they like, just like it's stright. Then they'll know, they'll
26:41
know the cheese. I come. I come from that lend. But the
26:47
one person I will not go to toe to toe with on some macaroni and
26:49
cheese is that DeAndre Ward, my friend DeAndre Ward. He's a private chef.
26:56
And it's not because he's a private chef because a lot of people call
27:00
himself something and listen, ain't. I'm just saying he can actually prepare a
27:11
meal and he does a really good job. That joker. I'm still wanting.
27:15
I still want him to teach me how to make his macaron cheese.
27:18
So DeAndre I'm calling you out. You still have yet to teach a girl
27:23
how to make the macron cheese the way you bake it. Because he doesn't
27:27
put egg in his I know like little boogeie little joker, like had my
27:37
first meal from him, was like no, it was yeah, it was
27:38
lamb chops, macaron and cheese and something else. It was something green,
27:45
but baby, everything the whole plate was gone. Okay, and he makes
27:48
this. My mouth is getting water so he made like he makes this honey
28:00
chicken. My guy, my mouth is watering. He makes this honey chicken.
28:07
Oh my god, it's like none the other. If you ever had
28:10
a plate from DeAndre Ward, okay, baby, you didn't been blessed?
28:15
Okay, that was I wouldn't even plan on pubbing you doog. But hey
28:19
this jo pull this your pull like my mouth is watering right now, I'm
28:23
gonna have to get a plate. I'm gonna have to get a plate soon,
28:26
sooner than later. But yes, girl, like, I I really
28:30
think that it's it's This is my advice to parents that are separated, like
28:37
they don't they share a child, but don't share a relationship, okay.
28:42
Co parenting whoever's COPD that's a good that's the word. I think that you
28:48
should definitely prepare your child mentally for when they are able to make the decisions
28:55
about their with their whereabouts. What do I mean? I didn't really I
28:59
lean on my parents so much that when it was time to make a decision
29:03
to do something, just in life in general, but especially around the holidays,
29:10
because it's a lot of pressure. Like you see everybody else having something
29:15
to do and having a schedule, and it makes them feel like insignificant.
29:18
Like it can make a child feel insignificant or not good enough, or like
29:25
confused, like not a part of something, and then certain wounds can come
29:30
up or whatever. So it's just healthy. I don't know. I think
29:33
the Lord will guide you through that conversation. This is just a suggestion from
29:37
a thirty year old thirty thirty one year old woman that experienced divorce as an
29:42
eight year old, Like my eight year old self is like, or at
29:48
my eighteen even my eighteen year old self is like. I wish my parents
29:53
would have had a conversation with me, just something simple as hey, do
29:56
you have you figured out what you want to do? Did you? Why
29:59
don't you on a trip? You know what I'm saying. I wish they
30:00
would have encourage me just you know, you can go on the trip.
30:03
You know you don't have to be with family. You could do something like
30:06
enjoy yourself, like it might. I know, we don't necessarily have a
30:10
tradition. It's okay to make your own tradition. And that's something my mom
30:12
had with me, like a few years ago, like we started doing just
30:17
like who has seafood on Thanksgiving? We did like it was just two of
30:21
us. Okay, it's just like, well, you have to make your
30:22
own traditions. My mom is beautiful. My mom is beautiful. But I
30:26
wish I would have had that conversation a little bit earlier, because I would
30:29
I really experienced some mentally an internal internal anguish and frustration, unnecessarily because I
30:38
wasn't groomed to know that I had the freedom to, you know, make
30:45
my own decisions. Yeah, Like everything's centered around the parents so much in
30:49
a divorce. Sometimes, Oh I'm going somewhere. Sometimes things are so centered
30:56
around what the parents need versus the child's needs. When you're thinking of when
31:03
you're going through the process of the divorce and even after the divorce, like
31:06
it's about you know, oh, they need to be with me or I
31:11
used to hear that. I can hear that now, But my parents said
31:17
that at one point both of them both, y'all both y'all said okay,
31:22
oh they need to be me or they with me right now or da da
31:25
da Now. They did have I feel like they did have a healthy co
31:27
parents' relationship, and even to this day, they don't if something's going on
31:32
with me. They agree about their children. That's one thing they like.
31:36
They don't. They have the same values, the same understanding, the same
31:40
expectations. It just didn't work between them, and so I think sometimes it
31:44
got a little personal because what they felt like the other parents should have been
31:48
doing wasn't done. Yeah, at times, and so we were brought in
31:53
the middle of that, and so it was like we felt like we had
31:56
to pick and choose. So now we're going and we're picking it with feel
32:00
like we're having a pick and choose. Oh, now I got to pick
32:02
and choose as an adult. Oh if I go with my daddy this time,
32:06
then my mom gonna be mad. And if I got they might not
32:08
have set it up like they ll even said it. But because you never
32:12
gave me the freedom or told me it's okay, I'm like trying to please
32:21
everybody. I remember, I'm gonna let you go. I remember me graduating
32:27
from college. From college, Okay, I graduated in Tuscalusive. My dad,
32:37
my daddy and them wanted to go to Barbara because we wanted to go
32:40
out of outskirts because was gonna be packed or whatever. So graduating in Tuscalusive,
32:47
I felt like my graduation was not about me, not necessarily the celebration
32:52
afterwards, right, I felt more so about pleasing my folks. So literally
33:00
I had two different celebrations, one celebration with my dad's side of the family
33:07
and go to Korea. I had to leave there that night to go to
33:10
my mom and then the bonus father house where they had a whole different celebration
33:21
for me. Instead of everybody, everybody could have just came together everybody,
33:29
And that was probably one of the most stressful things I experienced. And I
33:34
still remember, like I was so upset, to the point where I recently
33:37
said, y'all gonna have to get together because one day I gotta get married.
33:39
I'm having one wedding, just one, just one. And not to
33:45
say they was beefing with each other or whatever, but they didn't think well
33:47
of me enough or think about hey, just let's just make it one situation
33:53
let me put my stuff aside just thee if we didn't want folks at the
33:58
house, we could come together and chip in and do a little celebration,
34:00
you know. Then we didn't do none of that. We didn't we didn't
34:05
do any of that. And I didn't even think it was an option.
34:07
But I was so and like, okay, I gotta please everybody wants to
34:12
except me. And then I wanted to celebrate myself. So I went drove
34:15
back to Tuscalusive at night. That was so stressful, imber. I vividly
34:23
remember, I won't say vividly, but I accurately remember my feeling of being
34:28
stressed out trying to please my parents for my celebration. Now, I'm not
34:32
mad at them, Like I'm just telling y'all my experience. It's not no
34:35
shot at my dad or my mom. I love them. They turned over
34:37
with the best of them. They gonna turn up on my wedding like they're
34:39
gonna be fine. But I remember that vividly, And it's like you're saying
34:47
vividly what vividly mean? Like it's like right here, like okay, so
34:53
that's the right word, that's the right word. It's so funny, like
34:58
it's vividly, it's very tangible. Yeah, it's right in my face.
35:02
Oh, and then the thing is from from Hoover to Oldinville. At the
35:07
time, I was like, a yeah, yeah, I wish I could
35:09
see your face from Hoover to Oldenville, Jesus. And then Oldenville's a Tuscaloosa,
35:17
So stop playing with me. That was that stressed me out. It
35:22
was a lot. So you have the floor. I just I don't know.
35:28
I just I think it's interesting you said that because I was kind of
35:32
annoyingly kind of doing it with my friends girls, like I would ask them
35:37
questions and and then I would wait for their answer, so I'd be like,
35:43
did y'all pick out? I think it was one day, maybe she
35:46
was coming in later something, so I said, hey, did y'all go
35:49
pick out your clothes for tomorrow? And they said, well, my mom
35:52
has to pick my clothes out. I said, it's okay, you can
35:53
go pick out what you want. We'll just have your mom to look at
35:57
it. Right. So they picked it out and I said, you sure
35:59
that's what you want to wear? And it was like yeah, And I
36:02
was like, it looks great to me. We're gonna lay it onto the
36:05
side and allow your mama to you know, approve of X, Y and
36:07
Z. So I've been very intentionally in that space, and I didn't realize
36:10
I knew I was doing it one one one reason intentionally, mainly because I
36:15
wanted them to be comfortable with their voices, right, So they'll do this.
36:20
They're ten, so they'll do like this kind of whiny kind of thing,
36:22
you know, and I'm like, hey, listen, I can't I
36:24
can't understand what you're saying. You don't have to speak up, speak up,
36:28
Speak up a little bit, you know what I'm saying. But also
36:30
just giving them space to make a choice, you know what I'm saying,
36:34
and encouraging them that that's a good choice, a good decision, versus like
36:38
why would you say that, I'm having flashbacks? Why would you do that?
36:43
And da da da da, you know, just encouraging you know,
36:45
their decision making, because that's that's those early years is what really shapes us
36:51
as we get into our adulthood, you know, cause if you're not if
36:53
you're always relying on other people to lead you in decisions, when you get
36:58
to grown people's things, that is that's what you're going to be relying on.
37:01
You're not going to be confident enough in your own decision making. So
37:06
you know, just as we kind of start wrapping this conversation up, I
37:08
think that's really what it is about. It's okay. It's okay to make
37:13
a decision about the holidays for yourself. You can make it for yourself,
37:17
and you don't have to. I mean not saying that you negate. Everybody's
37:22
not saying that you're just ruthless about it. But it's okay to make the
37:24
decision that you want to make for yourself and stand on that, and stand
37:28
on it because it's okay. They'll be all right, Oh you don't want
37:30
to come there, No, don't, don't give don't feel guilty because Christmas,
37:35
I think, is this if you want me there to that bell,
37:37
you want to see me that bad? You see the house work the same
37:39
My do knob turn the same way as your dono in the same games.
37:44
I can put my cousin. It's the same gas this And that's what that's
37:49
what Stacy granted to say. He said the phone word, two boys,
37:52
both of okay the same way. I doubt the number it's the same way
37:57
you down of domb and picked up the phone. Right, So it's okay,
38:00
it is okay, I am free. I raised the lord. I'm
38:07
free, no go back because there was some change. It was it was
38:15
parent pressure. That's real. Though, pressure is real. I realized this
38:20
year, you know, walking through the season, I walked in that a
38:22
lot of the decisions that I made in life, and it's a crazy thing.
38:25
Like it wasn't even like my parents were like, oh you need to
38:27
do this, do this this. I just wanted to please them. Yeah,
38:31
so out the decisions that I was making, I was making predicare on
38:35
what I felt like they wanted. And that's a healthy conversation to have,
38:38
Like what do you think I want? Or what do you think I expect?
38:43
Like free your freedom, kids, freedom kids, okay, and for
38:46
yourself. So I think there was a healthy conversation to have. So what
38:52
y'all, what let us know what you're doing the holiday? Listen because I
38:58
take a plate a plate from it need to be good. I don't know
39:05
how to say that. Don't send me up. No, some of these
39:07
TikTok people that think they know how to cook. Uh uh No, I'm
39:12
not taking their plate. And I will bless the Lord and all my soul
39:15
and all this with the me and keep it to myself. I will I
39:17
will warm me up of Michael Waverable dinner before I eat everybody food. I'm
39:23
not gonna do it, but bless God, bless them all. Right,
39:25
you guys, we thank you so much for tuning in to this week's session
39:30
episode. Let us know in the comments what you're doing for the holidays and
39:35
what you thought about this episode. Make sure you share, like, come,
39:37
and subscribe. We appreciate you. We appreciate the donations and the gifts
39:42
that you have been giving on the link the link below that's added to this
39:45
episode, and you know what, you guys. Until next week, life
39:51
could be much more simple if you just ask. We'll see you later.
40:00
Hey, y'all, thank you for listening to Just Ask. If you enjoyed
40:04
this experience, be sure to like, coming and rate so others can find
40:07
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40:12
follow me at the Jessica S. Smith on all platforms. Again, I'm
40:16
your girl, jess. Until next time,