Latest / The Burnout Podcast with Fexingo: Workplace Exhaustion, Recovery, and Sustainable Careers / The Burnout of Not Being Able to Say No at Work
Transcript
- Lucas: There's a moment in almost every career where someone asks you to take on something extra, and you feel your stomach tighten. You know you don't have the bandwidth. But your mouth says, 'Sure, no problem.' Luna: I think I've had that moment at least once a week for the past five years. Lucas: Exactly. And that reflex — that automatic 'yes' — is one of the most under-discussed drivers of workplace burnout. It's not just about being nice. It's about power, identity, and self-preservation. Luna: Let's dig into that. Because I suspect a lot of us know we should say no more often, but we don't actually have a framework for doing it. Lucas: Right. So I want to anchor this episode around a specific research paper. In 2002, the Journal of Applied Psychology published a study by a researcher named Hui Liao and colleagues. They looked at what happens when employees say no to requests from their managers versus from peers. Luna: I'm guessing the results weren't symmetrical. Lucas: Not even close. When someone said no to a peer, the peer's perception of the refuser dropped modestly. But when someone said no to a manager, the manager's perception dropped significantly — and the refuser often received lower performance reviews months later, even if the refusal was justified. Luna: So the fear isn't irrational. Saying no has a measurable career cost. Lucas: That's the tension. We're not being paranoid. But the alternative — saying yes to everything — has its own cost. Chronic overwork, resentment, and eventually burnout. The question is how to navigate that trade-off. Luna: Let's talk about the people-pleasing angle. I think a lot of listeners — myself included — say yes because we want to be seen as reliable or generous. Lucas: Sure. And there's a gender dimension here too. Multiple studies show that women are more likely to be asked for 'office housework' — like taking notes in meetings, organizing social events, or serving on low-visibility committees. And they're penalized more harshly when they decline. Luna: That's a structural problem. But on an individual level, what actually works? I've tried saying, 'I'd love to help, but I'm swamped,' and it never lands well. Lucas: That's because it's a weak no. It sounds like you're complaining about your workload. A stronger frame is what I call the 'opportunity cost' mental model. Instead of saying you're too busy, you say, 'I want to make sure I deliver quality on my current priorities. If I take this on, something else will slip. Which project should I reprioritize?' Luna: That shifts the burden to the requester. They have to decide what's less important. Lucas: Exactly. And it signals that you're being thoughtful, not just saying no. There's a classic example from a marketing manager I spoke with. She was being asked to join a last-minute pitch team every other week. She used that frame — 'I can do this, but the monthly report will be two days late' — and suddenly the requests dropped by about 40 percent. Luna: That's a concrete win. But what about when the requester is your boss, and they don't give you a choice? Lucas: Then you need a different tactic. You can negotiate scope. Say, 'I can do the analysis, but I'll need to skip the weekly summary email for the next two weeks to free up the time.' Or, 'I can draft the deck, but could Sarah handle the data pull?' Luna: So you're still saying yes to the request, but you're reshaping the terms. Lucas: Right. And that's often more sustainable than a flat no. The key is to avoid the binary trap — feeling like it's either 'yes' or 'no' when there's usually a third option. Luna: I think one reason people struggle with this is they've built a reputation as someone who always says yes. They worry that changing their behavior will damage relationships. Lucas: That's a real concern. But here's the thing: if you've been a reliable yes-person, you have some credibility in the bank. You can say, 'I've been reflecting on my workload, and I realize I've been overextending. I want to be more deliberate about where I say yes so I can deliver my best work.' Most reasonable people will respect that. Luna: And if they don't? Lucas: Then you might be in a toxic environment where boundaries are punished. And that's a different conversation — one about whether to stay or leave. But for most workplaces, a thoughtful reset works. Luna: Let's talk about the emotional cost. I've said yes to things I genuinely didn't have time for, and I end up resenting the person who asked. Which is unfair — they didn't know I was overloaded. Lucas: That resentment is a signal. It tells you that you're violating your own boundaries. And chronic resentment is a fast track to burnout. There's a 2018 study in the Journal of Occupational Health Psychology that found employees who frequently suppressed their own preferences — saying yes when they wanted to say no — had significantly higher emotional exhaustion scores. Luna: So it's not just about time management. It's about emotional integrity. Lucas: Exactly. And I think the path forward is to practice saying no in low-stakes situations first. A colleague asks you to review a document that's not urgent. You say, 'I can't get to it until Thursday. Will that work?' That's a no to immediate availability, but it's a yes to a delayed timeline. Luna: Build the muscle. Start small. Lucas: And over time, you get comfortable with the discomfort. Because it never feels great to say no. But it feels a lot better than burnout. Luna: Honestly, if this episode helped you think through a boundary you've been avoiding, I think that's worth a coffee. If you want to support the show and keep it ad-free, you can do that at buy me a coffee dot com slash fexingo. Lucas: Yeah, I like that framing. It's a small way to say this content matters to you. And it genuinely helps us keep going. Luna: Alright, back to the research. I want to talk about one more study — a 2013 paper on how saying no actually builds respect in some contexts. Lucas: Oh, that's a good one. The researchers found that when people said no to an unethical request, they were viewed as more competent and trustworthy. So context matters enormously. Luna: So we're not saying never say yes. We're saying be strategic. Say yes to things that align with your goals, your values, or your relationships. Say no to things that drain you without return. Lucas: And when you do say yes, make sure it's a conscious yes. Not a default. That alone reduces burnout risk. Luna: I think the takeaway is that saying no is a skill, not a personality flaw. And like any skill, it improves with practice. Lucas: And the payoff is a career that's sustainable, not just productive. That's worth the discomfort.