Latest / Women at Work: Career, Leadership & Modern Work / How the Likeability Penalty Works Against Women Leaders
Transcript
- Lucas: So there's this number that's been stuck in my head all week: women are 2.5 times more likely than men to get critical feedback on their personality in performance reviews, not on their work. This isn't from some blog post, this is from a 2024 Harvard Business School study that looked at reviews across 200 companies. Luna: Two point five times? That's staggering. And I bet the feedback itself is coded in ways we don't always notice. Lucas: Exactly. The study found that for men, critical comments tend to focus on specific skills or results — 'needs to improve forecasting' or 'could delegate more.' For women, the criticism is often about tone or demeanor — 'comes across as aggressive' or 'needs to be more collaborative.' And here's the real kicker: when women are described as 'assertive,' it's almost always negative, while for men it's frequently positive or neutral. Luna: Right, the classic double bind. You're competent but you're not warm enough, or you're warm but then you're not seen as leader material. Either way, you lose. Lucas: That's the likeability penalty in a nutshell. And it's not just anecdotal. The same Harvard study quantified it: women's reviews included 2.5 times more mentions of 'personality' or 'interpersonal' traits, and the tone was significantly more negative. Men with similar behaviors were often praised for being 'direct' or 'confident.' Luna: I want to talk about a specific case. There's this engineering director at a mid-sized tech company in Silicon Valley — I'll call her Sarah, not her real name — who was told in a 360 review that she was 'too assertive' in leadership meetings. She was pushing for faster product timelines. The male VP who did the same thing was described as 'visionary.' Lucas: That's such a perfect example. And what did Sarah do when she got that feedback? Luna: She initially tried to soften her approach — more apologetic language, more hedges. But her team actually started to miss her old directness. They felt she seemed less confident. So she ended up having a conversation with her manager about the bias, and they agreed to separate feedback on 'how' from 'what.' Lucas: That's a smart move. Reframe the conversation so you're talking about outcomes, not demeanor. But it shouldn't be on individual women to solve this systemically. Should it? Luna: No, but until organizations fix their review processes, women need strategies. One thing that works is what researcher and author Amy Cuddy calls 'warmth first' — you lead with warmth in your communication, then layer in competence. It's like a conversational sandwich: connect, then assert. Lucas: I've seen that play out in meetings. A woman starts by acknowledging someone's point or showing appreciation, then states her own position. It's subtle, but it can disarm the bias. Of course, the risk is that it feels performative or exhausting. Luna: Absolutely. And you know, this is part of why we do this show — to give women the data and the language to navigate these dynamics. It's not about changing who you are, it's about being strategic. Lucas: Speaking of that — and this ties directly into what we're talking about — if you've gotten something out of episodes like this, whether it's a new way to handle a performance review or just feeling less alone in the experience, there's a simple way to keep the show ad-free and independent. A couple of dollars a month, genuinely, is what keeps these going. Buy me a coffee dot com slash fexingo. Luna: Yeah, it's a small thing that adds up. And we really mean it when we say every bit helps. Lucas: So back to the data. The Harvard study also broke down the feedback by seniority level. And here's something surprising: the likeability penalty actually gets worse as women move up. At the manager level, the ratio was about 2-to-1. At the director level and above, it jumped to nearly 4-to-1. Luna: That makes sense in a twisted way. The more senior you are, the more you're expected to be decisive and assertive — traits that are valued in men but penalized in women. It's like the higher you climb, the tighter the double bind gets. Lucas: And it's not just in tech. The study covered finance, healthcare, manufacturing — across the board. One example: a female CFO in the banking sector was told she 'needed to smile more' in her review. A male CFO at the same firm was praised for his 'serious demeanor.' Luna: That's infuriating. And it's so subtle that the reviewers probably didn't even realize they were being biased. That's the insidious part — it's baked into our expectations of how women should behave. Lucas: So what's the play for women listening right now? I mean, other than the warmth-first approach Cuddy talks about. Luna: One tactic that's been researched is called 'strategic authenticity.' You don't have to be warm all the time, but you can choose when to show warmth for maximum impact. For example, before a high-stakes presentation, take five minutes to ask a colleague about their weekend or their kids. It signals that you care about them as people, which builds a buffer for when you need to be direct later. Lucas: I like that. It's not about faking it — it's about being intentional with your relational capital. And for managers listening, there's something here too. If you're writing reviews, ask yourself: would I say this same thing to a man? If not, rephrase. Luna: Exactly. And leaders can also mandate structured review criteria that focus on objective metrics, not personality. Some companies have started using 'behavioral anchoring' — you rate specific, observable behaviors rather than vague traits like 'assertiveness.' Lucas: That's a systemic fix. But until then, women are left to navigate this on their own. And I think that's why sharing these stories — like Sarah's — is so powerful. It normalizes the experience and gives people a playbook. Luna: Absolutely. And I'll add one more thing: if you receive feedback about your 'tone' or 'personality,' ask for a specific example. That alone can force the reviewer to realize they're being vague or biased. It's a small pushback, but it can be really effective. Lucas: Right. 'Can you tell me about a specific time when my tone was a problem?' Suddenly they have to point to an action, not a feeling. And if they can't, the feedback loses its sting. Luna: And if they can, you have something concrete to work on — which is actually useful. That's the paradox: the bias is real, but sometimes the feedback, stripped of its bias, can help you grow. Lucas: That's a great note to land on. For now, here's what I'm taking away: the likeability penalty is measurable, it's real, and it gets worse the higher you climb. But there are tools — warmth-first, strategic authenticity, asking for examples — that can help you navigate it. And if you're in a position to change the system, look at your review criteria. Luna: And if you're a woman listening, know that it's not you — it's a structural bias that you can learn to work around. You don't have to be liked by everyone to be respected. Lucas: That's the episode. I'm Lucas. Luna: And I'm Luna. See you next time.