Latest / Morrow Marriage | Disrupting Divorce / Talking About “It” So we Can Move Past “It” | The 'NEW' Marriage | Ep459

Transcript

Talking About “It” So we Can Move Past “It” | The 'NEW' Marriage | Ep459 · Morrow Marriage | Disrupting Divorce

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Talking about it so we can move past it.
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_00: Dirty text, dick pics, and boiling over.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_00: Stop using boundaries, guys.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: You have an apology problem.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: You are holding yourself back.
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_00: What you can do or what to do when you're not having sex.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: You've never seen us in action.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_00: There is always something that you need to do better.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: Talking about it so we can move past it.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to the Moral Marriage Podcast, guys.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_00: And this one is powerful.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: We've been doing some webinars lately, which I think we're gonna stop.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_00: I don't enjoy it as much as working with you one-on-one, and I think my wife feels the same.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_01: I barely talk on the webinars.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_00: That's the thing.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_01: So I just have to sit here and listen to information that I already know.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_00: So um, anyways, his sexy voice, though.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_00: So what we um what we discovered doing these webinars for a number of weeks in a row was that so many of you still get caught in a trap that we need to talk about it in order to fix it.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_00: Not necessarily on the webinar, although we did get some questions surrounded.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, some cases in some cases I was like, did you not listen to anything that we talked about?
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_00: I gave you six practical tools that you can use today rather than talk about it.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_00: And here's the thing, you guys, you think you're sweeping it under the rug.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_00: You're not.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_00: It's that you don't know how to identify what led you to where you are today.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_00: So you're focused on the major pain or the symptom that's hurting, or symptoms that's hurting, but they're symptoms, i.e.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_00: the result of what's happened.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_00: And so you talk about all the things that hurt you now instead of how it got here.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_00: And by the way, when you understand this, thinking about back to the last episode with empathy, that's his high level how to fix it.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_00: We are not sweeping things under the rug, but the amount of times that I would say to somebody, hey, do you need to know every single way I assaulted Catherine?
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: Doesn't matter if it's emotional, physical, sexual, and they'll always say no.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_00: Well then why do we need to hear all the things that hurt you?
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_00: Because those aren't the aren't the thing.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: Those aren't the thing, those are the thing, the result of the things that need to be fixed.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_00: You won't have the result, the negative result, if you have positive results, because you fix the thing.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_00: And talking about the result, the negative, is never going to give you positive.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_00: You cannot replace negative with neutral or negative.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_01: Everyone's gonna have to rewind this and listen to it five times because he's talking circles around even me.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, so let's just use a few examples that we did use on the webinar.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_00: Let's use substance abuse.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_00: Now, if you were in the webinar, we talked about the crisis triangle, where you love in one corner of the triangle, you pull back in the second part of the triangle, and the third point is when you criticize, you blame, you attack.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: Defend yourself, all of these things.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_00: Okay?
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_00: Now, if we're using substance as one example, it very rarely starts with, oh my gosh, my partner's an alcoholic.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_00: No, that's the part you can't handle, the result of the problem.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_00: And by the way, you enabled this problem.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_00: Let's rewind and go back to the beginning.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_00: You love them, it's okay.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: They're drinking once or twice a week, they're having a little bit of fun, it's all right.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_00: And then pretty soon, as you go around the triangle, okay, I don't like this, I don't like this.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_00: This is the talking.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: I don't really appreciate it.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: It's you're, you know, you're disrespectful with the kids, you said some mean things.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: In my case, you raped me last night.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: Like, okay, so that talk, okay, then goes down to another part of the triangle, which is like criticizing, right?
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_00: I'm defending myself.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: Well, what?
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_00: We've always had drinks.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: What?
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: This is what we do.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_00: What?
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_00: It's okay.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sorry about the the thing that I did.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: I guess I drank too much.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_00: I won't drink as much.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_00: And eventually it becomes more and more drinking.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_00: You go around this triangle, around this triangle, every time talking about it, every time I feel more guilty, more ashamed, I drink more.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_00: And then I stumble in the room and I do worse things.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, and then I go around the triangle with Catherine, she talks about it, talking about the the drinking.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_00: None of that's the issue.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_00: None of it.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_00: It's all a result of me not being happy, not identifying who I am, and knowing what makes me feel good.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm slipping into coping.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_00: And every time we go around the triangle talking about it, I get worse.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_00: I make promises that I'll change, and then I don't change.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_00: She gets more upset, she gets more angry when she's so it's harder to love, easier to talk and criticize, easier for me to defend myself.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_00: And we go round and round and round until pretty soon I'm drinking all day and I'm saying mean things.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_00: She's going to the events with the pastor and the kids.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: I'm staying home drinking and smoking in the garage, and it's fucking worse.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_00: And this is the problem you want to talk about.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_00: We never address the issue.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_00: Guys, it doesn't matter.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_00: We can look at porn, pretend we're going around the triangle without me saying it over and over again.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, we can look at how you weren't cheating in the beginning, but there was maybe some scrolling on Instagram.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_00: We didn't like that, so then we got to like DMs and texting.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_00: Then we got to dating sites.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_00: We oh, by the way, porn was in there way at the bottom.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: And then pretty soon we're actually talking to people.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_00: We're taking women from the office out to work or talking to that guy you knew out to dinner, sorry, we're talking to that guy you knew in high school or whatever, all because it feels good.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_00: We're getting worse and worse in the triangle.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_00: Pretty soon it's an emotional affair, pretty soon around the triangle, and it's an affair.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_00: You want to talk about the affair.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_00: I got 14 freaking messages this week about the affair.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_00: You're not listening, you're still trying to address the result of the problem.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_00: If you don't address the fact that talking is making it worse every time you go through this crisis triangle, you will never solve your problem.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_00: Nobody is having an affair from the beginning or wildly drunk, stumbling on their face, passing out in the beginning.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't matter what example that we use, you guys all say this is the problem, really, because it wasn't the problem in the beginning.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: And if it was, you enabled it.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_00: And if it was really bad in the beginning, like a full-on affair or emotional affair, they didn't let go of their ex or whatever, then you still enabled it because that should have been a sign in the beginning.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: But now you're married, so now you got to deal with it, and now you got your work cut out for you.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_00: That's okay.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_00: She had her work cut out for her too.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_00: I was a fucking bad man.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_00: Okay?
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_00: Now, same thing when it comes to the substance.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_00: We did drink a lot, but we did not drink a lot like we drank when I was a fucking bad, bad man doing the bad, bad shit, which by the way, our rotations through triangle were very, very rapid.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_00: Okay?
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_00: Couple times per day.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, what I'm saying is none of that was the issue.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_00: Catherine actually identified the issue partly in the very beginning of our relationship, and she did try to talk about it, but she didn't know what she was doing.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_00: We knew nothing.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_01: I had no tools.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_01: I recognized something, but I did not know how to fix it, and I didn't know how to make you aware.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: Do you remember what it was?
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I think I I recognized that his confidence was fake.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_00: I was kissing you.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_00: We were on her couch, I was on top of her, and I was kissing her, and she just stopped and she looked at you looked at me and you're like, You don't really have confidence, do you?
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_01: I don't remember the kissing me part.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_00: I do, because it was like I was I was making out with her.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_00: Talk about an attack on the confidence.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_00: Anyway, so anyways, that's a time through the triangle talking about it, right?
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: But the thing is, that's a real issue.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_00: Knowing what we know now, talking about confidence never would have solved the problem.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_00: A lot of people come to us like, how do I become more confident in my relationship?
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_00: That's that's like one word to describe the actual issue, which is about truth and who you are, believing who you are, not believing your failure, even if you fuck up, i.e., failing forward.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_00: There's so many ways we could look at this.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_00: What I need you to understand, guys, this is this is not a long episode, is when you talk about it, you lap each other in the triangle.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_00: This is where some of you, you've heard us lots talk, talk, talks lots to you guys about how you haven't tried everything.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_00: If you've ever been in the part where you pull back, you stop, you cope, you hang out with the kids more, you focus on work more, you drink more, you do whatever, that's you not trying everything.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_00: That's you getting into a rut in the bottom of the triangle before you criticize Blaine and defend yourself.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: By the way, many of you are dancing on that, those two points right there, which means you haven't tried anything.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_00: Because anyone who's in the triangle is always gonna go back to talking about it until they just shut down and the talking completely stops.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_00: And you never actually address the real issue, which is why you can't move your relationship forward.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: So if you want to know more, I think that you need help.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_00: It's not rocket science.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_00: This is not a man problem, it's not a woman problem, this is a major problem in society today, and we are the only ones that have uncovered it.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_00: We're the only ones.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_00: And when we when we work with you, we get you there because you cannot create a new life, whether you want your marriage, your money, your health, if you can't get out of the triangle.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_00: I I got a one-on-one right now.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_00: Just absolutely insane.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_00: We're 10 weeks into 12, and he literally just won't.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_00: We just I just teach him the same things every week, and he won't do it.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_00: He won't do it.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_00: That's right.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_00: And pretty much it always goes, dude, you're acting like a victim.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: Now, his wife and I, we don't hardly ever do this, but his wife, him and I all work together.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_00: This is like, I think, the first time it's ever where it's all three of us on a call every time.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_00: And like she's loving him, she's giving him support, and every week it's like, dude, you're victimizing yourself.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_00: I know, I don't want to, I don't want to.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_00: You know what he wants to do?
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_00: He wants to talk about how it hurts.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_00: Listen, the only answer is to do in a lot of case, a lot of cases, the opposite.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_00: Number two, is to do what feels uncomfortable.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_00: So you you don't want to, it's hard, you're scared in his case to make some gestures for dates and flirts and and just connect, have conversation.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_00: How do you get better at anything?
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_00: You fucking do it.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_00: That's it.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_00: You do the hard stuff that scares you and you get better.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_00: That's it.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_01: Nike, Nike said this long enough.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_00: Guys, if you want to really know how we can help you with this, because there is no way forward without getting out of the triangle, okay?
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_00: I want you to just go to the website go.moralmarriage.com.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_00: That's g o.moralmarriage.com.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_00: Join our app, okay, and we can help you.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_00: All right, we'll see you next time.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_01: Bye.