Latest / The Parenting Podcast / Q&A - Answering Your Questions (Pt. 2) | Ep. 20

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Q&A - Answering Your Questions (Pt. 2) | Ep. 20 · The Parenting Podcast

• 1:03
  Danae: It
• 1:03
  Ellen: was so beautiful today and warm.
• 1:06
  Ellen: It was really hard to come in and just sit down and be here.
• 1:09
  Ellen: I really wanted to play all day
• 1:12
  Cheryl: and the weather we're going up and down.
• 1:15
  Cheryl: It's just settled Oklahoma.
• 1:18
  Cheryl: Well, and then here, we're sitting in here while a go.
• 1:21
  Cheryl: We were hot then now it's cold.
• 1:23
  Cheryl: So I have a very important question to ask you.
• 1:27
  Cheryl: When you move the thermostat to make it colder, are you turning the air conditioning up or are you turning the air conditioning?
• 1:38
  Cheryl: This is really important.
• 1:39
  Cheryl: in my family?
• 1:40
  Ellen: I just say
• 1:41
  Danae: set it at this because I got argument.
• 1:44
  Christie: I think I say if it's colder down, if
• 1:48
  Danae: it's going to turn it down.
• 1:50
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 1:50
  Cheryl: And our customers, the kids, the same thing.
• 1:52
  Cheryl: Oh, mom, what we'll say, turn up the air conditioning.
• 1:54
  Cheryl: And the other one will say, oh, you need to turn down the air conditioning.
• 1:58
  Cheryl: Oh yeah.
• 1:59
  Cheryl: All the controversies
• 2:02
  Danae: over that.
• 2:03
  Danae: I want it put it on 70, whatever 70 we'll
• 2:07
  Christie: be good.
• 2:07
  Christie: We can just post it on social media and you'd have like 900 different reasons.
• 2:13
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 2:14
  Cheryl: So moms we're back in here today.
• 2:15
  Cheryl: We're going to do another Q1.
• 2:17
  Cheryl: Had such a great time and good response from the last one.
• 2:21
  Cheryl: And again, today we have Christie Gunckel and of course Allen and in 18.
• 2:28
  Cheryl: Hi.
• 2:29
  Cheryl: So here we are.
• 2:30
  Cheryl: So you ready, girls?
• 2:32
  Cheryl: I've got some questions that moms send them.
• 2:35
  Cheryl: I find that I'm always telling my children, they need to be grateful.
• 2:39
  Cheryl: So my question would be.
• 2:41
  Cheryl: What are some practical ways to cultivate gratefulness in a child's heart?
• 2:45
  Ellen: Yeah, that's a hard one.
• 2:46
  Ellen: When I'm ungrateful about my
• 2:48
  Danae: gratefulness, my kids that aren't being grateful.
• 2:53
  Danae: I think that's good.
• 2:54
  Danae: I think I do always.
• 2:56
  Danae: That I have is to model gratefulness to them.
• 2:59
  Danae: You know, I know we like these teaching moments as parents.
• 3:02
  Danae: I think some of the best teaching moments we have is just how are we really feeling and, and what are they seeing from us?
• 3:09
  Cheryl: So what would that look like?
• 3:10
  Cheryl: Give you an example, but so.
• 3:12
  Cheryl: You know, three or four little children and bad things are happening or you're disappointed, or husband loses his job, or you dropped something you're taking the cake somewhere and you drop it in it's on the ground.
• 3:26
  Cheryl: Just something how what's an example.
• 3:28
  Christie: I think just developing an attitude of finding the silver lining and verbalizing that to your kids and saying, you know, I'm, I'm so glad at least we have our warm home or, um,
• 3:40
  Ellen: I'm so grateful.
• 3:41
  Ellen: I dropped the cake because that saved us all 500
• 3:45
  Danae: calories today.
• 3:48
  Cheryl: You're really looking for the silver.
• 3:50
  Cheryl: Well, I liked that Christie, because you're not saying, and now I'm going to teach you about being grateful.
• 3:56
  Cheryl: And so I have to cultivate my heart to have to look with that.
• 4:01
  Cheryl: I need to look for ways to be thankful.
• 4:04
  Cheryl: And then self-control.
• 4:09
  Cheryl: To not say the grouchy thing, we have to
• 4:11
  Danae: be genuine.
• 4:12
  Danae: I think need to be careful though.
• 4:13
  Danae: Cause I, I, I wouldn't want to be a proponent of feeling like we always have to be that big smile on her face.
• 4:21
  Danae: Isn't always happening.
• 4:22
  Christie: Knowledge, the challenge or
• 4:25
  Danae: the
• 4:25
  Ellen: car
• 4:29
  Christie: yeah, definitely.
• 4:31
  Christie: Acknowledging.
• 4:32
  Christie: This is a hard thing.
• 4:34
  Danae: I'm so disappointed.
• 4:35
  Danae: I dropped the cake.
• 4:36
  Danae: I, I spent so much time on that, you know, I think, and we can joke, you know, Ellen says, so we don't have all the calories.
• 4:41
  Danae: I mean, I think there's a good place of humor here too with things, but I think it definitely.
• 4:48
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 4:49
  Ellen: I mean, we're joking about the cake, but you can drop it and go through all emotions.
• 4:53
  Ellen: Cause that's a big mess and horrible.
• 4:55
  Ellen: And maybe two hours later, you can say.
• 4:58
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 4:58
  Ellen: But I'm grateful that you know, it doesn't have to be right at that moment because I think tagging onto what you're saying.
• 5:04
  Ellen: Sometimes I can see.
• 5:06
  Ellen: Right.
• 5:06
  Ellen: You know, if you're just kind of plugging in the grateful thing rather, cause maybe I'm not grateful right now.
• 5:11
  Ellen: It may take me a week before I realize that I need to be that
• 5:16
  Danae: wasn't that bad.
• 5:17
  Danae: So I think, yeah, so let's extend that to our children.
• 5:21
  Danae: And I know this was something for me, uh, Value, you know, being positive and looking on the bright side and we'll have my kids call in later and say been damaged by this that, uh, is saying, you know, it's sitting with our kids and hearing their disappointments, the things that are hard and then just encouraging them in that moment.
• 5:46
  Danae: Um, You know, by saying, I hear you, um, you know, hear what you're saying and then maybe give it a little bit of time and then revisiting that conversation.
• 5:56
  Danae: How do you feel now?
• 5:57
  Danae: How do you think it's affected your life directing to work
• 6:01
  Ellen: reality?
• 6:02
  Ellen: Yeah, because that's what happens.
• 6:03
  Ellen: Sometimes we get an ungrateful, we forget, we really had a whole bunch of good stuff.
• 6:07
  Ellen: And then just this one moment becomes sometimes it is really true.
• 6:11
  Ellen: It's hard, but it just made me think of a funny story We made a big trip to California and we took our kids to Disneyland.
• 6:18
  Ellen: And one of my daughters, when we got home, we'd only been home like 24 hours and she was tired and frustrated.
• 6:23
  Ellen: She goes, mom, we never do anything.
• 6:30
  Danae: stood there.
• 6:30
  Danae: And then
• 6:31
  Ellen: I looked at.
• 6:32
  Ellen: We just got back
• 6:32
  Danae: from Disneyland and she went, oh, that is the best way.
• 6:37
  Danae: What's more fun than, but isn't that so human yet, we just
• 6:41
  Ellen: can have this wonderful time.
• 6:43
  Ellen: And in a moment we can forget what, what good stuff we had just, well,
• 6:49
  Cheryl: because what you just said, you know, that's me, I'm having to change my heart so that I can begin to be that person so that I can look.
• 7:00
  Cheryl: The positive in the negative.
• 7:02
  Cheryl: And I'm like you today.
• 7:03
  Cheryl: I had a tendency to do that, but I wanted to be so careful and not push that down heavy on top of my kids.
• 7:11
  Cheryl: But so I think my role modeling it is a thing to really say, thank you.
• 7:15
  Cheryl: I had, um, a relative I was very close with and they said they evaluated when they had their children.
• 7:24
  Cheryl: And said we are the parents they're the children.
• 7:28
  Cheryl: So they should do hopefully say, I go, well, you sure.
• 7:31
  Cheryl: So we don't think we ever need to thank them for doing what they do.
• 7:35
  Danae: Um, so back to modeling.
• 7:38
  Danae: So
• 7:38
  Cheryl: they never said thank you for cleaning the kitchen or for helping out or bringing the groceries or doing anything.
• 7:49
  Cheryl: And I was a that.
• 7:52
  Cheryl: How I would feel.
• 7:54
  Cheryl: And so I definitely don't want to do that, but I buy my lifestyle.
• 7:59
  Cheryl: Thank you so much.
• 8:00
  Cheryl: Thank you for doing that.
• 8:01
  Cheryl: Oh, you pick those up.
• 8:02
  Cheryl: We're talking about, you know, little ones, you know, thank you so much for putting those on board.
• 8:07
  Cheryl: You remember to do that?
• 8:08
  Cheryl: That means so much to me and took me, I'm doing it all the time.
• 8:12
  Cheryl: And then also with little ones, just kind of getting that pattern of them.
• 8:18
  Cheryl: This is the courtesy of it.
• 8:20
  Cheryl: Yes,
• 8:20
  Danae: that's good.
• 8:21
  Danae: Cause that's
• 8:21
  Ellen: really what matters.
• 8:23
  Ellen: Why do we teach manners?
• 8:25
  Ellen: It's just courtesy to other people.
• 8:27
  Ellen: We're showing them respect.
• 8:28
  Ellen: Right.
• 8:28
  Ellen: And what we're teaching in the very beginning seems rote.
• 8:32
  Ellen: And you know, your child's thank you is an always a heartfelt thank you.
• 8:36
  Ellen: But that doesn't matter.
• 8:37
  Ellen: They're learning so that when they do get into adults or they're used to saying, please, thank you.
• 8:42
  Ellen: I want to share this with you.
• 8:44
  Ellen: Those are things habits.
• 8:45
  Ellen: Are you good habits?
• 8:46
  Ellen: You help your child.
• 8:48
  Christie: I think another thing is that we have to be careful not to overindulge our kids and when we're giving too much, then there, they're not going to be as grateful because they expect the things.
• 9:00
  Christie: And we have two of our daughters that have worked.
• 9:02
  Christie: Restaurant business and talk about a place to learn, to be grateful because you don't get treated well all the time.
• 9:10
  Christie: And so I, I think that's, that's
• 9:12
  Cheryl: helpful.
• 9:12
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 9:13
  Cheryl: And I was thinking, okay, so what else as your kids get older?
• 9:17
  Cheryl: One of the things that stirred my children up to be grateful for their lives and things is service to people who don't have what they have, whatever the situation is.
• 9:28
  Cheryl: And so doing.
• 9:31
  Cheryl: Uh, closed pantry or food bank or giving to anybody to doing that helps them to connect the dots to say, wow, I may not have everything, but I have it better than this and I, and a gratefulness of
• 9:45
  Ellen: that.
• 9:46
  Ellen: I know we were able, and not everybody would want to do this.
• 9:49
  Ellen: It depends on your family.
• 9:51
  Ellen: Um, we were able to send each of our teenagers away for a whole summer to work in a foreign country with people who had nothing.
• 10:00
  Ellen: Wow.
• 10:01
  Ellen: So they came.
• 10:03
  Ellen: Definitively changed.
• 10:05
  Ellen: Cause it wasn't just like a week or two that they served at.
• 10:08
  Ellen: Not that that's bad, but they had to live at their level.
• 10:11
  Ellen: You know, they had to shampoo and wash her hair out of a bucket and take showers out of buckets, you know, living a life among people that just have less.
• 10:20
  Ellen: And all of a sudden, you know, they were very grateful when they came home, you know?
• 10:26
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 10:26
  Cheryl: My kids who did the same thing, radically change their world.
• 10:32
  Danae: I'm thinking of a caution, which is to, I don't think you help your children by being grateful by saying they're so ungrateful, you know, I think, you know, I, I know I've made this mistake.
• 10:45
  Danae: We were like you're so, you know, you're not grateful.
• 10:47
  Danae: You need to be more thankful.
• 10:49
  Danae: I think I would pull that back and just say.
• 10:51
  Danae: Well, don't say it an anger cause there's time to talk about it, but not in, not when you're not in the same way.
• 10:58
  Danae: Like I'm going to shame you into feeling more thankful for
• 11:03
  Cheryl: yeah.
• 11:03
  Cheryl: That's one of those things where you deal with it when that's the issue.
• 11:06
  Cheryl (2): And then you talk about it another time later saying, Hey, come here, let's talk about this.
• 11:11
  Cheryl (2): You know, we're not acting.
• 11:15
  Cheryl (2): And we are doing it to love them and help them maybe see something they didn't see because not reacting.
• 11:22
  Cheryl (2): It's hard to the killer.
• 11:23
  Christie: And I think when we recognize that in ourselves, it's better to confess to our kids.
• 11:28
  Christie: And when we recognize those things, rather than like, you're saying shame them when we see it in them,
• 11:35
  Cheryl: okay.
• 11:36
  Cheryl: Let me, here's another.
• 11:40
  Cheryl: I think yellow will identify, how do I reconcile my guilt knowing I haven't been emotionally or physically available to my child or children due to my work schedule or large family, or just the requirements on my life.
• 11:54
  Cheryl: I feel guilty.
• 11:55
  Cheryl: And like I'm failing everybody all the time.
• 11:58
  Cheryl: There just isn't enough of me to go around and I feel guilty.
• 12:02
  Ellen: I think it's such a phenomenon because you can go all around the world and every single mother in every culture in every economic strata feels guilty.
• 12:13
  Ellen: And I don't know what there is about being a mom that we feel guilty, you know, because most.
• 12:23
  Ellen: But they, we all feel like we're not enough
• 12:25
  Danae: because moms.
• 12:27
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 12:27
  Cheryl: But I think that there's a positive side to that.
• 12:30
  Cheryl: That's so encouraging to me.
• 12:33
  Cheryl: That it says, moms love their children and they want to sacrifice and whatever their Strat or wherever they are, whatever it is, they want their children to succeed.
• 12:43
  Cheryl: They don't want their children to hurt the way they hurt or to better themselves in life.
• 12:48
  Cheryl: And they're frustrated
• 12:50
  Ellen: I think that's definitely that.
• 12:52
  Ellen: Thank you.
• 12:52
  Ellen: That was a good answer because I've always wondered why.
• 12:55
  Ellen: Cause I've lived around the world being military and every culture, the moms feel guilty.
• 13:01
  Ellen: You could almost get together and have the guilty mother's club.
• 13:04
  Ellen: Again, it might be over different things.
• 13:06
  Ellen: But they still feel like
• 13:07
  Danae: they're not enough.
• 13:09
  Cheryl: They still are the mother and love those children the way we were just saying, but the guilt, the and, you know, so much of my time as a parenting, raising my children as a widow, 10 of me wouldn't have been enough.
• 13:24
  Cheryl: So I know that guilt struggle.
• 13:26
  Cheryl: And I'm thinking about that mom right now.
• 13:28
  Cheryl: What can y'all speak in for her into her life?
• 13:30
  Danae: Just thinking back to we had, we had talked about before about the concept of the big rocks and it was kind of as a mom explained that again.
• 13:38
  Danae: Okay.
• 13:38
  Danae: Okay.
• 13:39
  Danae: Yeah.
• 13:39
  Danae: So, um, the visual with the big rocks is if.
• 13:44
  Danae: Are imagining, like, let's say a glass jar is, and you're trying to fit all of these things into this glass jar.
• 13:52
  Danae: You've got some big rocks.
• 13:53
  Danae: You have some gravel, you have some medium sized rocks, you have some sand.
• 13:58
  Danae: And so if you imagine that you first put in the sand and then you put in the gravel and then you put in the medium sized rocks and you try to fit.
• 14:06
  Danae: Big rocks into this glass jar.
• 14:10
  Danae: They're not going to fit in there because you have, you know, it's halfway full of all of those smaller things and different sizes is there's no way you can put the big rocks in.
• 14:19
  Danae: Well, if you start over and you dump it all on.
• 14:22
  Danae: And first you put in, let's say there's three, three, the three big rocks.
• 14:27
  Danae: Then you can fit in the medium rocks and then the gravel, and then you can pour in the sand and that all fits into that glass jar.
• 14:36
  Danae: So if you think as being a mom and also, I think we need to realize we're all gonna have different things.
• 14:43
  Danae: It's could all look different.
• 14:44
  Danae: If the big rocks let's say are, you know, Even something like connecting with my child, by looking at them in the face and telling them, I love them.
• 14:56
  Danae: Maybe give them a hug or a kiss, but that's one thing I want to make sure I do every day, you know?
• 15:02
  Danae: And so, so at the end of the day, you can, can look at your day or most days.
• 15:07
  Danae: And so you can say, yes, I did these things because if we focus as moms on all that same.
• 15:13
  Danae: Maybe it's what we're seeing in social media.
• 15:15
  Danae: You know, the kids all in their matching clothes or a homemade meal every night or something.
• 15:20
  Danae: Well, that's for you that sand.
• 15:23
  Danae: And so if you're going to bed at night thinking, well, I didn't do all these things.
• 15:28
  Danae: I must be a bad mom.
• 15:29
  Danae: You're going to carry.
• 15:31
  Danae: Guilt.
• 15:32
  Danae: And so, and I know, you know, we've been talking on this podcast with the different ages, some of the different areas that are some of the bigger rocks of what children need and the different stages of their lives is, is to focus on those things first and really give yourself a break.
• 15:47
  Danae: Yeah.
• 15:47
  Danae: Give
• 15:48
  Cheryl: yourself a break.
• 15:49
  Cheryl: One of my favorite phrases Illinois says is parenting is not pass or fail.
• 15:53
  Cheryl: Oh, I love that.
• 15:54
  Cheryl: So that's.
• 15:56
  Cheryl: Let's tomorrow's a new day next.
• 15:58
  Cheryl: Hour's another, a time to start over and work on loving our children and being healthy is what we're doing.
• 16:06
  Cheryl: I think it's a great idea.
• 16:07
  Cheryl: The whole idea of priorities, and to allow ourselves the.
• 16:14
  Cheryl: To not be that what do we say?
• 16:16
  Cheryl: The perfect Pinterest mom.
• 16:17
  Cheryl: Right?
• 16:18
  Ellen: So, and you're learning every day.
• 16:20
  Ellen: And if you have a couple of children, you have to relearn because each child is different because what worked for the first one doesn't work for the second one, you know, there's no formula, so you didn't even get a break
• 16:31
  Danae: that way,
• 16:32
  Ellen: you know,
• 16:32
  Cheryl: and they're getting older life is happening.
• 16:37
  Christie: And then as they are getting older, their needs are changing.
• 16:40
  Christie: And I think we discount the value.
• 16:44
  Christie: That our lack can have in our kids' lives.
• 16:47
  Christie: Like we're not meeting every single need.
• 16:50
  Christie: Like we think we should, they pick up their pieces and the, and they learn to do some of those things for themselves.
• 16:57
  Christie: We talked about
• 16:57
  Danae: that on another podcast about being the good enough mom.
• 17:00
  Danae: Yeah.
• 17:01
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 17:01
  Cheryl: Christie, tell me what that would look like.
• 17:03
  Cheryl: Give me an example, thinking about in your life with your girl.
• 17:07
  Christie: Okay.
• 17:08
  Christie: Well, I remember feeling really guilty, um, over not being attentive enough to.
• 17:16
  Christie: Say their education.
• 17:18
  Christie: Okay.
• 17:18
  Christie: Not being attended enough to every little detail.
• 17:22
  Christie: And then over time I realized they actually learned to love learning things on their own because I wasn't spoonfeeding certain things to them that I thought, oh, I'm just failing in this area.
• 17:33
  Christie: I'm not hovering over them and making sure every box is checked and, and.
• 17:39
  Christie: Requiring things of them that these other moms might look like they're requiring.
• 17:43
  Christie: But then my kids started taking ownership of some of those things and, and look, and then the things that they didn't probably weren't worth breaking our relationship over anyway.
• 17:54
  Cheryl: That's really good.
• 17:55
  Cheryl: And, and I mean, I was consumed with this it was bad enough before, but when I lost bill.
• 18:02
  Cheryl: I shrunk to like a hundredth of what I had my capacity, because I needed so much.
• 18:07
  Cheryl: And then with longevity of it, Noticing, I couldn't do everything for them and found out it really developed their character, great work ethic, um, taking responsibility, figuring things out and, um, sort of an entrepreneurial spirit that was stirred up with them.
• 18:31
  Cheryl: Even if they're not going to that as our business.
• 18:34
  Cheryl: But I see from this end and I saw it developing because of my lack that they, we were able to build character, my children, that I don't know if they'd had any other way.
• 18:47
  Danae: What I hear you saying is love.
• 18:50
  Danae: Doesn't eat.
• 18:52
  Danae: Doing everything for your children.
• 18:55
  Danae: That doesn't mean you don't love them.
• 18:58
  Danae: Doesn't mean you're not even that you're not there for them because share all, I mean, I've been around you for many years and, and watched, you know, your wonderful children grow up and see that they knew that you loved them, that they, you would drop anything you could have for them.
• 19:19
  Danae: But I know I was there, you know, and you were stretched then, but they knew that in the relationship you have with them now, you know, really shows that to you.
• 19:28
  Danae: Um,
• 19:28
  Cheryl: I'm a very blessed person, sorry, because you're digging up that real deep pain and I can look back and say, I'm so thankful
• 19:40
  Ellen: and we can only live with.
• 19:42
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 19:43
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 19:43
  Ellen: And we're only, the only expectation should be to try to live the best with what we're given.
• 19:50
  Christie: Well, and eventually our kids will be adults that can only do what they can do also, and they need to see that.
• 19:56
  Christie: Modeled in us as adults that you only have what you have.
• 20:00
  Christie: You can only give what you can do.
• 20:02
  Christie: Yeah.
• 20:02
  Christie: It takes a lot
• 20:02
  Ellen: of pressure off them because if they think that adulthood is, is like their childhood, where they got everything, they're going to be such in for such a rude awakening.
• 20:12
  Ellen: I mean, it's just, you know, that's unrealistic.
• 20:17
  Cheryl (2): All right.
• 20:17
  Cheryl (2): So someone asked this and it's a question actually that I've had, and I'd love to hear what y'all say about it.
• 20:23
  Cheryl (2): Should
• 20:24
  Cheryl: I
• 20:24
  Cheryl (2): require my children to apologize to one another When they've wronged one another, even if their heart is not in it, I'm going to throw it out there.
• 20:38
  Cheryl (2): I've had this question for a long time.
• 20:41
  Cheryl (2): Should we require our children to say.
• 20:45
  Christie: I say, yes,
• 20:47
  Danae: It's important
• 20:47
  Ellen: to make your kids say, they're sorry, but you don't want them, like you were saying to do it in a fake way, but at the same time, they have to reach that point.
• 20:59
  Ellen: Even.
• 20:59
  Ellen: I mean, I told my kids, and I'm not talking little ones, I'm talking, maybe teenagers you have to say your story to your sister.
• 21:05
  Ellen: You have to sit in your room till you're ready, but don't come out.
• 21:08
  Ellen: If you're
• 21:09
  Danae: not.
• 21:10
  Danae: Um, and, I
• 21:11
  Cheryl: got some pushback on those.
• 21:12
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 21:14
  Danae: Well, I'll say this.
• 21:16
  Danae: I remember, um, two of my children.
• 21:20
  Danae: That, that struggled a lot in their relationship.
• 21:23
  Danae: And I know there were times that it would, I.
• 21:27
  Danae: I would do the council, kinda like you, Ellen, they're not ready.
• 21:30
  Danae: They're not ready.
• 21:31
  Danae: And it's like, well, are you sorry that you hurt her feelings?
• 21:36
  Danae: Yes.
• 21:36
  Danae: I'm sorry that I hurt her feelings, but I was right.
• 21:40
  Danae: In fact, like, okay, okay.
• 21:41
  Danae: Let's, let's just start there.
• 21:43
  Danae: You're sorry that their feelings were hurt.
• 21:46
  Danae: You didn't mean to hurt their feelings, you know, so it was kind of would give them something to start reconciling that relationship.
• 21:52
  Danae: That's how I viewed a lot of this.
• 21:54
  Danae: Even when they were younger, it would be.
• 21:57
  Danae: Trying to repair that relationship between them was, was the goal of not just the, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
• 22:05
  Danae: Right.
• 22:05
  Danae: You know, it kind of makes me think when we talk about sharing, when we talk about different things, there's practice, you know, when they're little, you teach them by maybe those words of say, you're sorry, but as they get older, it, it really, but that's become a heart issue.
• 22:22
  Ellen: You know, and I'm not talking little ones, you know, you go in and you say, this is what you need to be thinking about.
• 22:27
  Ellen: Why did you do it?
• 22:29
  Ellen: Why did you say it that way?
• 22:31
  Ellen: And you need to reach a point of being sorry for that.
• 22:34
  Ellen: But I totally agree with you sometimes.
• 22:36
  Ellen: That's how reconciliation starts it.
• 22:38
  Ellen: Somebody has to step over the line and say, okay, I'm sorry for hurting your
• 22:43
  Cheryl: feelings because the goal is reconciliation, right?
• 22:47
  Cheryl: This is where I'm pushed back.
• 22:49
  Cheryl: Cause I've just thought about this from years and now I get to throw out, you know, get across the world.
• 22:56
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 22:56
  Cheryl: Here's my concern saying thank you.
• 23:00
  Cheryl: Or please that's courtesy.
• 23:03
  Cheryl: That's a polite way to show, respect to other people.
• 23:06
  Cheryl: When I say thank you.
• 23:08
  Cheryl: It doesn't mean I'm grateful.
• 23:09
  Cheryl: It's a courteous way.
• 23:10
  Cheryl: It's showing respect to the other person for what they've done.
• 23:14
  Cheryl: I feel that I'm sorry is a whole different realm We're talking about reconciliation and to me, all of that's in a different category from the politeness.
• 23:24
  Cheryl: I don't see.
• 23:25
  Cheryl: I'm sorry.
• 23:26
  Cheryl: Oh was a polite list,
• 23:28
  Ellen: but I think that's where we have to differentiate, because you can say, oh, I'm sorry, I spilled that on you.
• 23:35
  Ellen: And that's why you need to do it.
• 23:36
  Ellen: Doesn't have to be this deep heartfelt, you know, and I think helping your children to recognize the difference
• 23:43
  Cheryl: so let's, let's say little ones.
• 23:45
  Cheryl: Cause I get the idea of when they're older, we can begin to have these good conversations.
• 23:49
  Cheryl: Let's say we've got a three-year-old and a four year old and the three-year-old shoves the four year and grabs her toy or reaches over and rips their center.
• 24:00
  Cheryl: Because they're mad at them and they wanted it to whatever.
• 24:03
  Cheryl: What do we do with these young ones?
• 24:05
  Cheryl: Cause we can't have this philosophical talk and because
• 24:08
  Ellen: of the younger years.
• 24:10
  Ellen: The I'm sorry to me is on the same level of please.
• 24:13
  Ellen: And
• 24:13
  Danae: thank you because they're
• 24:15
  Ellen: younger,
• 24:16
  Christie: if they say thank you, they may not be thankful.
• 24:18
  Christie: Right.
• 24:19
  Christie: They're just saying it like you, I agree with you that it's a courtesy, but I think the I'm sorry.
• 24:24
  Christie: Still just a courtesy at that age because they're little
• 24:26
  Ellen: children thinks they're, you know, I ripped your paper impulsively because it was feeling mad.
• 24:31
  Ellen: It wasn't like a teenager that thought it out,
• 24:34
  Danae: but I don't
• 24:34
  Christie: think we can stop there as they age.
• 24:37
  Christie: We have to go into those deeper conversations of true sorrow
• 24:42
  Cheryl (2): We're talking about training years.
• 24:43
  Cheryl (2): You go to that three year old little girl I'm imagining her.
• 24:46
  Cheryl (2): I think, I think that's what you said, you know, tearing up or, or doing something.
• 24:50
  Cheryl (2): You know, if you go to that child, Would you like to play with your friend again?
• 24:54
  Danae: What you're saying is to reconcile to be able to now go play outside with your sister, your cousin, your friend, something needs to happen here.
• 25:03
  Danae: It's called, you know, repairing reconciliation.
• 25:06
  Danae: And that is by starting with saying, you're sorry, but I think when they're little, they may just go, okay, I'm sorry.
• 25:13
  Danae: That's what they're going to.
• 25:14
  Danae: You're starting those conversations.
• 25:16
  Cheryl (2): You know, they could lose the privilege of playing with that child because they've hurt their feelings.
• 25:21
  Cheryl (2): They've done something that's not acceptable in the realm of relationship.
• 25:26
  Cheryl (2): So I think you can start that at a young age,
• 25:29
  Danae: How you're talking about it is that maybe they will one day.
• 25:35
  Danae: I understand.
• 25:36
  Cheryl (2): Yeah, I do.
• 25:38
  Cheryl (2): You know, or then you can go to them and say, well, then what you need to do is to go to them and say your, sorry, I think you've given and tell the little one that ask checking on their heart.
• 25:49
  Ellen: But When they start developing their conscience and they're beginning to know, I don't like her and I'm a rip up her paper.
• 25:55
  Ellen: That's when saying, I'm sorry, from a heartfelt that they understood that they did something that was hurtful to another person.
• 26:04
  Cheryl (2): Okay.
• 26:04
  Cheryl (2): Soon Let's come in and talk some more about this kind of thing.
• 26:08
  Cheryl (2): Sounds good.
• 26:09
  Cheryl (2): Yep.
• 26:09
  Cheryl (2): Yep.
• 26:10
  Cheryl (2): Moms,
• 26:10
  Cheryl: Thanks for being here today.
• 26:12
  Cheryl (2): why don't you start some Neisha questions?
• 26:15
  Cheryl (2): Why don't you speak into this DMS?
• 26:19
  Cheryl (2): Uh, you can email at connect.
• 26:22
  Cheryl (2): At the parenting podcast.com you can go to our website
• 26:27
  Cheryl: Or anywhere else.
• 26:28
  Cheryl: You want to get ahold of us.
• 26:30
  Cheryl: We want to hear, these are great questions from real moms, and we want to do what we just done today.
• 26:36
  Cheryl: Discuss it, So get in touch with.
• 26:39
  Cheryl: remember, hang in there.
• 26:41
  Cheryl: Keep loving, keep persevering because it's worth it.
• 26:45
  Cheryl: Yes, it is.