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Why Giving Feedback Feels So Hard (And How to Do It Right) · Speaking of Meaning

• 0:02
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Speaking of Meaning,
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  SPEAKER_00: the podcast that helps you become a stronger communicator,
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  SPEAKER_00: build deeper relationships and create impact that matters.
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  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, Ibrahim, a professional speaker, soccer referee,
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  and leader I love helping other people and I also love to learn
• 0:22
  new things this
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  podcast is about better communication greater impact at work in
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  your home and in
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  SPEAKER_00: the world out there let's dive in enjoy the show
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_00: Hi, everybody.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome back to the show.
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  SPEAKER_00: My passion is all about communication, leadership, and trust.
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  And if there's one thing that challenges all of those three,
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  it's feedback.
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  SPEAKER_00: Giving feedback can feel uncomfortable, even risky.
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  You might worry about hurting someone's feelings,
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  being misunderstood,
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  or making things awkward.
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  SPEAKER_00: But here's the truth.
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  SPEAKER_00: Feedback is one of the most powerful tools for growth.
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  SPEAKER_00: Feedback can build relationships or break them, depending how we use it.
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  So in this episode,
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  we'll talk about why giving feedback feels so difficult.
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  SPEAKER_00: The biggest mistakes we make.
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  SPEAKER_00: A simple,
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  practical model that will change how you deliver feedback and
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  how to handle these
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  SPEAKER_00: tough conversations that once were defensive or difficult people.
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  By the end,
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  you'll feel confident,
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  clear and calm,
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  no matter who you are speaking to.
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  SPEAKER_00: Let's get started.
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  SPEAKER_00: Let's be honest.
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  SPEAKER_00: Giving feedback is intimidating.
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  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes it feels easier to just stay quiet.
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  We tell ourselves things like,
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  maybe it's not that bad,
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  or I don't want to cause conflict.
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  SPEAKER_00: But when we hold back feedback, we actually create more problems.
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  SPEAKER_00: People can't fix what they don't know is broken.
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  SPEAKER_00: And resentment starts building quietly in the background.
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  SPEAKER_00: Here's a story from my early career.
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  SPEAKER_00: I had a colleague, let's call him Alex.
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  Alex was brilliant,
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  creative,
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  full of energy,
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  but he constantly interrupted others in meetings.
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  SPEAKER_00: Over time, the team started to get frustrated.
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  Eventually,
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  someone told him,
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  not very kindly,
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  and it turned out into a public argument.
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  SPEAKER_00: That moment taught me something important.
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  SPEAKER_00: Remember, silence is not kindness.
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  SPEAKER_00: Silence is avoidance.
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  SPEAKER_00: Feedback is a sign of respect.
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  SPEAKER_00: It's like saying, I care enough to help you improve.
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  SPEAKER_00: So feedback is so important.
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  SPEAKER_00: Why do we get it wrong?
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  SPEAKER_00: Let's look at seven common mistakes people make and how to avoid them.
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  SPEAKER_00: Mistake number one, making it personal.
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  A mistake I see often is we often attack the person instead of
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  addressing the behavior.
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  SPEAKER_00: We say you're lazy instead of saying you didn't meet the deadline.
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  We say you're rude instead of saying you interrupted me while I
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  was speaking.
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  SPEAKER_00: When we label people, they stop listening and start defending.
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  SPEAKER_00: Here's a better way.
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  SPEAKER_00: I noticed you missed the last two deadlines.
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  SPEAKER_00: I'd love to talk about what's going on and how we can stay on track.
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  SPEAKER_00: That focuses on behavior, not the person.
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  SPEAKER_00: Mistake two, using shame or blame.
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  SPEAKER_00: When you say, why did you do that?
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  SPEAKER_00: It sounds like an accusation.
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  SPEAKER_00: Instead ask, what happened?
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  SPEAKER_00: Can you walk me through your thought process?
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  SPEAKER_00: Those small changes open up conversation instead of shutting it down.
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  SPEAKER_00: Mistake number three, being too general.
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  SPEAKER_00: Specific feedback is actionable feedback.
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  SPEAKER_00: Instead of saying, you're always late, be specific.
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  Say,
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  you came in 10 minutes late on Monday,
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  and it made it hard for us to start on time.
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  SPEAKER_00: Be specific, measurable, and clear.
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  SPEAKER_00: Mistake number four, being too aggressive.
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  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes we think that being blunt equals being strong.
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  SPEAKER_00: But in communication,
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  SPEAKER_00: Tone is everything.
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  SPEAKER_00: Aggressive feedback feels like punishment.
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  SPEAKER_00: Assertive feedback feels like partnership.
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  Try saying,
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  I noticed this pattern and I'd love to work together on a
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  solution.
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  SPEAKER_00: You're no longer attacking.
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  SPEAKER_00: You are collaborating.
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  You're no longer attacking the person because the person is
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  going now to listen to
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  SPEAKER_00: you instead of defending themselves.
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  SPEAKER_00: Mistake number four, avoiding feedback.
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  SPEAKER_00: Avoiding feedback feels safe, but it's actually selfish.
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  SPEAKER_00: When we don't give feedback, we rob the other person of a chance to grow.
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  SPEAKER_00: Think of a coach.
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  Would a coach ever say,
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  I don't want to upset my players,
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  so I'll just let them make mistakes?
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  SPEAKER_00: Of course not.
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  SPEAKER_00: Feedback is how people get better.
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  SPEAKER_00: It's a gift, not a punishment.
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  SPEAKER_00: So don't avoid feedback.
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  SPEAKER_00: Mistake number six, not listening.
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  SPEAKER_00: Now, feedback is not a monologue.
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  SPEAKER_00: Feedback is a dialogue.
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  SPEAKER_00: You might be 100% sure you are right.
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  SPEAKER_00: But what if you're not?
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  When I started refereeing soccer,
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  I used to shut players down when they complained.
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  SPEAKER_00: Later, I learned to listen first.
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  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes their frustration made sense.
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  SPEAKER_00: I had missed something from my angle.
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  SPEAKER_00: So I started saying, tell me what you saw.
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  SPEAKER_00: That one line built trust, even when I didn't change my decision.
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  SPEAKER_00: Listening doesn't mean agreeing with the person.
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  SPEAKER_00: It means respecting the person.
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  SPEAKER_00: Mistake number seven, poor timing.
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  SPEAKER_00: Feedback given at the wrong time can ruin even the best message.
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  SPEAKER_00: If someone is angry, embarrassed, or stressed, that's not the right time.
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  SPEAKER_00: But if you wait too long,
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  SPEAKER_00: They've already forgotten what happened.
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  SPEAKER_00: When is the best time when both of you are calm and focused?
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  Now we've talked about what not to do,
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  let's talk about what actually works.
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  SPEAKER_00: It's called the XYZ model.
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  SPEAKER_00: It's simple, memorable, and incredibly effective.
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  SPEAKER_00: X stands for describe what the person did.
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  SPEAKER_00: Y stands for explain how it made you feel or what you thought about it.
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  SPEAKER_00: Z
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  SPEAKER_00: state what you would like to happen next.
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  SPEAKER_00: Let's go through an example together.
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  SPEAKER_00: Imagine if I was your teammate and I'm often late to meetings.
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  SPEAKER_00: You could say, I noticed you came late today,
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  it made me feel frustrated because I had to restart the meeting
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  and I would
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  SPEAKER_00: appreciate it if you could be on time moving forward.
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  SPEAKER_00: So you basically described what the person did,
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  SPEAKER_00: you explained how it made you feel,
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  SPEAKER_00: and number three,
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  SPEAKER_00: you stated what you would like to happen next.
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  SPEAKER_00: Now that's simple, that is clear, and that is also respectful.
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  SPEAKER_00: And notice,
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  SPEAKER_00: it's not an attack,
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  SPEAKER_00: it's an observation followed by your feelings in a constructive request.
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  SPEAKER_00: So you have to tell the person what you want.
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  SPEAKER_00: It's not enough to tell them your observation or how you felt about it.
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  SPEAKER_00: You have to also tell them what you want them to do.
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  Now take a moment and think about a person in your life you
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  would like to give feedback to.
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  SPEAKER_00: Maybe a co-worker, maybe a friend, maybe a partner.
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  SPEAKER_00: What would your XYZ sound like for them?
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  SPEAKER_00: You can even pause this episode and jot it down.
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  SPEAKER_00: Notice how this model works anywhere, professional, personal, and social.
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  SPEAKER_00: We described what the person did, we explained
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  SPEAKER_00: how it made us feel, or what we thought about it.
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  SPEAKER_00: And number three, we stated what we wanted them to do next time.
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  SPEAKER_00: Now, what about those people who just won't listen?
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  SPEAKER_00: They argue, they deflect, or they say, well, what about you?
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  SPEAKER_00: What about what you did?
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  SPEAKER_00: Here's how to handle that.
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  SPEAKER_00: Step number one, prepare in advance.
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  SPEAKER_00: Don't walk into the conversation cold.
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  SPEAKER_00: Know what you want to say and why.
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  SPEAKER_00: Step number two, start with an introduction.
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  Say something like,
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  I'd like to talk to you about your participation in meetings.
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  SPEAKER_00: Is now a good time?
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  SPEAKER_00: When they say yes, you have permission and attention.
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  SPEAKER_00: Step three, stick to the topic.
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  SPEAKER_00: If you give them feedback and they say, well, what about John?
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  SPEAKER_00: Don't take that bait.
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  SPEAKER_00: Instead say, we can talk about John another time.
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  SPEAKER_00: Today, I want to focus on you.
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  So every time they want to change the subject,
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  go back to the topic and stick to the topic.
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  SPEAKER_00: Don't take that bait.
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  SPEAKER_00: Step number four, show empathy.
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  SPEAKER_00: A lot of people think that empathy means agreeing with the person.
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  SPEAKER_00: It means understanding.
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  SPEAKER_00: You can say something like,
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  SPEAKER_00: I know it's uncomfortable to talk about this,
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  SPEAKER_00: but I would like to help you improve.
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  SPEAKER_00: Step five, seek agreement.
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  When you give them feedback,
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  when you make your request,
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  end with a question.
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  SPEAKER_00: Can we agree to work on that?
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  SPEAKER_00: Do you have any questions for me?
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  SPEAKER_00: Would you like to tell me what I just said?
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  SPEAKER_00: Can we agree to work on that?
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  SPEAKER_00: When they say yes, they take ownership.
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  SPEAKER_00: And if they try to deflect, bring the conversation back to the topic.
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  SPEAKER_00: Stick to the topic and show empathy.
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  Empathy is the secret ingredient that turns feedback from
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  confrontation into collaboration.
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  SPEAKER_00: When people feel understood, they relax.
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  SPEAKER_00: When they feel attacked, they resist.
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  SPEAKER_00: So we need a mindset shift.
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  SPEAKER_00: You're not giving feedback to someone.
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  SPEAKER_00: You're giving feedback for someone.
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  You're helping them grow,
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  perform better,
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  or build stronger relationships.
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  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes empathy, believe it or not, sounds like this.
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  SPEAKER_00: I get that you've had a lot going on lately.
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  SPEAKER_00: I understand this is uncomfortable.
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  SPEAKER_00: I'm not judging you.
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  SPEAKER_00: I just want us to improve together.
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  SPEAKER_00: I get that you've had a lot going on lately.
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  SPEAKER_00: That's emotional intelligence in action.
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  SPEAKER_00: Now let's pause for a reflection.
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  SPEAKER_00: Think about the last time you gave feedback.
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  SPEAKER_00: Did you focus on behavior or personality?
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  SPEAKER_00: Did you listen to the other person's perspective?
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  SPEAKER_00: Did you time it right?
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  SPEAKER_00: What would you do differently next time?
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  SPEAKER_00: Let's recap.
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  SPEAKER_00: When giving feedback, focus on behavior, not personality.
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  SPEAKER_00: Avoid shame and blame.
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  SPEAKER_00: Be specific.
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  SPEAKER_00: Use I statements.
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  SPEAKER_00: Don't avoid feedback.
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  SPEAKER_00: Face it.
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  SPEAKER_00: Listen actively.
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  SPEAKER_00: Choose the right timing.
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  SPEAKER_00: Apply the X, Y, Z model.
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  SPEAKER_00: X, what they did.
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  SPEAKER_00: Y, how it made you feel or what you thought about it.
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  SPEAKER_00: Z,
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  SPEAKER_00: what you would like to see next.
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  SPEAKER_00: And remember, empathy and preparation turn feedback into growth.
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  SPEAKER_00: Giving feedback is an act of courage and kindness.
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  SPEAKER_00: It's not about being right.
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  SPEAKER_00: It's about being helpful.
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  SPEAKER_00: It's not about criticism.
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  SPEAKER_00: It's about clarity.
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  SPEAKER_00: And when you do it right, it builds trust.
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  SPEAKER_00: One conversation at a time.
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  So the next time you hesitate to speak up,
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  remind yourself,
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  feedback is not confrontation.
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  SPEAKER_00: Feedback is communication with a purpose.
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  SPEAKER_00: And that is meaningful.
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  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for listening to Speaking of Meaning.
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  SPEAKER_00: If today's episode helped you see communication in a new way,
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  SPEAKER_00: share it with someone you care about,
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  SPEAKER_00: a friend,
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  SPEAKER_00: a partner or a colleague who wants to grow.
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  SPEAKER_00: And don't forget to follow the podcast so you never miss an episode.
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  SPEAKER_00: I'm Ibrahim.
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  SPEAKER_00: Until next time, better communication, greater impact.