Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #846 An Honest Conversation
Transcript
- 0:03Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the
- 0:07Speaker 1: time poor parent who just once answers.
- 0:10Speaker 2: Now, whatever reason they're doing it for, ultimately, what they're
- 0:14Speaker 2: trying to do is make this situation go away as
- 0:16Speaker 2: painlessly as they possibly can, so that we can just get.
- 0:18Speaker 3: On with our lives again.
- 0:20Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, my mom
- 0:23Speaker 1: and Dad.
- 0:23Speaker 4: You know that.
- 0:24Speaker 2: Every now and again, I love to use this podcast
- 0:26Speaker 2: as a platform to pretend that I'm still in radio
- 0:29Speaker 2: like I was twenty years ago. I mean, it was
- 0:30Speaker 2: a long time ago, but you know, I can't help
- 0:33Speaker 2: it every now and again. I haven't lost it my hand,
- 0:36Speaker 2: I know, but I just want to that the topic
- 0:38Speaker 2: of today's conversation.
- 0:39Speaker 3: Based on an email that we've received from one.
- 0:41Speaker 2: Of our listeners via podcasts at Happy Families dot com,
- 0:45Speaker 2: makes me think of Billy Joel, But it also makes
- 0:51Speaker 2: me think.
- 0:51Speaker 3: Of Charles and Eddie.
- 0:58Speaker 2: But it also makes me think of the Mix. And
- 1:04Speaker 2: then there's that other song by Fleetwood, Matt and I
- 1:11Speaker 2: could keep on going, but they're the big ones. I
- 1:13Speaker 2: can't help myself because today's topic is, like I said,
- 1:17Speaker 2: in response to an email that we had from Emma
- 1:19Speaker 2: who says and I quote, we are having a lot
- 1:21Speaker 2: of trouble understanding why our eight year old is constantly lying.
- 1:25Speaker 2: It can be about absolutely trivial things or the very
- 1:28Speaker 2: age appropriate lies to get out of trouble. I find
- 1:31Speaker 2: it very hurtful, and unlike any of our other three
- 1:34Speaker 2: girls behavior, lying seems to be our biggest behavior challenge
- 1:38Speaker 2: with this daughter.
- 1:39Speaker 3: Any strategies to help would be so very appreciated.
- 1:41Speaker 2: So Kylie, today we're having a conversation about honesty and
- 1:45Speaker 2: teaching our children not to lie. Let me ask you
- 1:50Speaker 2: this though, do you remember House? You remember the TV
- 1:52Speaker 2: show we used.
- 1:53Speaker 3: To watch House? Yeah, you remember the one phrase rank doctor? Yeah,
- 1:57Speaker 3: the cranky doctor. Do you remember the one.
- 1:58Speaker 2: Phrase He's actually Brittish but he had the great American
- 2:01Speaker 2: accent the whole way throw. I never knew till I
- 2:02Speaker 2: heard him speaking in English in British with the British accents.
- 2:06Speaker 2: Heard him speaking with the British accent, and I remember going, Wow,
- 2:09Speaker 2: he really does a good British accent. And then I
- 2:11Speaker 2: discovered that he's British and he was speaking with an
- 2:12Speaker 2: American accent in the series. But do you remember the
- 2:14Speaker 2: one line that he had about every patient.
- 2:16Speaker 3: That came in.
- 2:17Speaker 4: You don't remember, No, I don't.
- 2:19Speaker 3: He used to say, everybody lies. The only variable is
- 2:23Speaker 3: but what do you believe it? Do you lie? Important question?
- 2:26Speaker 4: Do you not intentionally?
- 2:28Speaker 3: Really?
- 2:30Speaker 2: So you're saying that you unintentionally lie? We just you
- 2:32Speaker 2: accidentally say the wrong thing. You sound like one of
- 2:35Speaker 2: our children right now. I accidently light I didn't mean
- 2:37Speaker 2: to mislead you. It just kind of did. It happened
- 2:40Speaker 2: to be my advantage.
- 2:42Speaker 4: Well, I'm reading some books and understanding that our perceptions
- 2:47Speaker 4: are quite skewed at times, Yes, in our efforts to
- 2:50Speaker 4: preserve ourselves.
- 2:52Speaker 2: Right, So what you're reading about his self deception the
- 2:54Speaker 2: way we don't just lie to other people, we actually
- 2:56Speaker 2: lie to ourselves.
- 2:57Speaker 4: Yeah, yeah, but we believe it's truth because if we
- 3:00Speaker 4: don't believe it's true, then what.
- 3:01Speaker 3: Does that say about us?
- 3:03Speaker 4: That's exactly right.
- 3:04Speaker 2: So we don't actually believe it's truth, but we lie
- 3:06Speaker 2: to ourselves about the truth that it.
- 3:07Speaker 3: Isn't so that we can think that it is so
- 3:10Speaker 3: that we can feel good.
- 3:11Speaker 2: About ourselves, because otherwise would feel terrible about ourselves because
- 3:13Speaker 2: we're awful people. Is that what you're saying? Yeah, right,
- 3:16Speaker 2: So up lifting. Aren't you glad that you listened to
- 3:18Speaker 2: this podcast the morning? I reckon it would be fascinating
- 3:24Speaker 2: to do a challenge and see how long you can
- 3:26Speaker 2: go without lying, without a single lie escaping your lips.
- 3:30Speaker 2: I reckon it would be very, very hard to get through.
- 3:32Speaker 2: I was going to say a day, but I'm going
- 3:34Speaker 2: to suggest both you and I work pretty hard on
- 3:36Speaker 2: being transparent and honest and not shying away from hard conversations.
- 3:40Speaker 4: Look, everybody asks you how you're doing, and more times
- 3:42Speaker 4: than not, I'll.
- 3:42Speaker 3: Say fine, were you saying you're not fine?
- 3:45Speaker 4: No? Often I'm not Why Why are you asking me?
- 3:49Speaker 3: Why?
- 3:50Speaker 2: Why do you lie about how you're doing? I mean,
- 3:52Speaker 2: this is the whole thing that are you okay?
- 3:54Speaker 3: They right? How you doing? Are you okay?
- 3:57Speaker 4: Because I don't have the capacity to have a conversation
- 3:59Speaker 4: with you right now, or I don't feel you're genuine
- 4:03Speaker 4: in your request to find out how I'm doing okay?
- 4:06Speaker 2: So it's timing, and it's also a feeling of safety. Yeah,
- 4:09Speaker 2: is there anything.
- 4:09Speaker 4: Else a concern about judgment?
- 4:12Speaker 3: Yeah?
- 4:12Speaker 2: Right, okay, which sort of ties back in with the
- 4:14Speaker 2: idea of safety. So I think if we're going to
- 4:16Speaker 2: answer Emma's question, we need to pause and consider why
- 4:19Speaker 2: we lie. If House is right, if everybody lies, and
- 4:22Speaker 2: if we do deceive our own selves, then it's a
- 4:25Speaker 2: really important consideration. It's a really important question. And if
- 4:30Speaker 2: we understand why we lie, it can help us to
- 4:33Speaker 2: then step into the world of our children and get
- 4:36Speaker 2: why they might be lying. So when you think about
- 4:39Speaker 2: these little liars that we've got running around our ankles
- 4:42Speaker 2: every now and again, and Emma certainly is dealing it
- 4:44Speaker 2: with one of her children, and I shouldn't talk about
- 4:46Speaker 2: our kids like that, because they're not just little lies,
- 4:49Speaker 2: they're also cherubs. Why do you think kids are most
- 4:53Speaker 2: likely to lie? Do you think that they're engaging in
- 4:55Speaker 2: self deception? Are they trying to preserve their identity in
- 4:58Speaker 2: the same way that you or I am?
- 5:00Speaker 4: No, I don't think they have the same cognition.
- 5:02Speaker 3: No, they don't. They don't, especially at the age of eight.
- 5:05Speaker 4: This is more about either being fearful of getting in trouble.
- 5:10Speaker 2: Right, And so Emma said exactly that in her email
- 5:14Speaker 2: to us. She highlighted that specific issue. But why else
- 5:18Speaker 2: do you reckon they'd be lying?
- 5:20Speaker 4: Well, like it's another thing they'd be concerned about as
- 5:22Speaker 4: a rupture in the relationship.
- 5:23Speaker 3: Yeah for sure. Yeah.
- 5:24Speaker 4: So if I tell Mom that I've done this and
- 5:27Speaker 4: then she gets angry at me, maybe she won't love
- 5:28Speaker 4: me anymore.
- 5:29Speaker 2: So I would write that down as they're scared that
- 5:31Speaker 2: they won't be loved. Not only are they afraid that
- 5:33Speaker 2: they'll be in trouble, but they're scared that they will
- 5:35Speaker 2: become unlovable.
- 5:37Speaker 3: Yeah.
- 5:38Speaker 2: A couple of other reasons that I can think of
- 5:39Speaker 2: that kids might lie to us. One of them is
- 5:42Speaker 2: when they think they've got this, Like, I know I'm
- 5:45Speaker 2: in over my head, I know things aren't working out
- 5:47Speaker 2: so well. I know that I kind of just got
- 5:49Speaker 2: red handed. But I've got this, I've got it under control.
- 5:52Speaker 2: I can get my way through this. It's going to
- 5:54Speaker 2: be okay. I want to demonstrate my confidence, my capability.
- 5:57Speaker 2: I want to just be independent. Don't want interference from
- 6:01Speaker 2: the big people in my life. And so there's that
- 6:04Speaker 2: line where they think that they've got it, they think
- 6:06Speaker 2: that they can handle it, and then they end up
- 6:07Speaker 2: in deeper and.
- 6:08Speaker 3: Deeper water as a result.
- 6:10Speaker 2: And the other reason that I think that our kids
- 6:12Speaker 2: lie is because we've taught them with all of our
- 6:16Speaker 2: white lives, with all of our hedging and fudging. Oh
- 6:19Speaker 2: you can do that on the weekend. I will come
- 6:20Speaker 2: back here another time. And no, no, no, I wasn't on
- 6:22Speaker 2: my phone doing that. I was doing this instead.
- 6:25Speaker 3: It's one of those.
- 6:25Speaker 2: Important things that I have to do, all of the
- 6:27Speaker 2: little white lives that we come up with. I'll be
- 6:29Speaker 2: with you in two minutes. I've just got to finish
- 6:31Speaker 2: this thing, and I'll be with you in two minutes.
- 6:33Speaker 2: I think that we teach them as well that honesty
- 6:35Speaker 2: is not as valuable as we sometimes make it.
- 6:39Speaker 3: Out to be.
- 6:39Speaker 2: So we've got, example, we've got afraid of being in trouble,
- 6:42Speaker 2: we've got afraid that they're not going to be loved,
- 6:44Speaker 2: and we've got the feeling that they've got it all together.
- 6:47Speaker 2: To me, when I read an email like Emma's, I
- 6:49Speaker 2: think to myself, this is probably why we've got an
- 6:51Speaker 2: eight year old who's telling FIBs constantly, lying even about
- 6:55Speaker 2: the trivial things. I mean, it even makes more sense
- 6:57Speaker 2: with the trivial things, because they want to prove that
- 6:59Speaker 2: they've got this the control.
- 7:00Speaker 3: That they're big enough that they can handle it. So
- 7:02Speaker 3: they're gonna lie.
- 7:03Speaker 2: You might say it's cold outside and they'll say, well,
- 7:05Speaker 2: I'm I'm really hot, even though they've got goose pimples,
- 7:08Speaker 2: goose goosebumps on their.
- 7:09Speaker 3: Skin, goose pimples.
- 7:11Speaker 5: Yeah, do you not call them goose pimpless goose pimples. Well,
- 7:15Speaker 5: I've heard people call them goose pimples, and I don't
- 7:17Speaker 5: know why, but I call them goose pimples. And I'm
- 7:20Speaker 5: not even telling a lie about it. So here's the thing, kylie.
- 7:23Speaker 5: Lying is actually a developmental achievement.
- 7:25Speaker 3: We should be excited when our kids can lie. Tell
- 7:28Speaker 3: me why, I'm just trying to put a positive spin
- 7:30Speaker 3: on it.
- 7:31Speaker 2: Well, what it really shows is if your child knows
- 7:34Speaker 2: how to lie, it means that cognitively they've gotten to
- 7:36Speaker 2: a point where they know that they can manipulate information.
- 7:42Speaker 2: They can hold information that's different to your information without
- 7:46Speaker 2: passing that along. You see the world differently for them.
- 7:48Speaker 2: They're developing this thing that we call theory of mind. Now,
- 7:51Speaker 2: researchers argue that this difference in perception, the ability to
- 7:54Speaker 2: say I'm seeing it this way and they're seeing it
- 7:56Speaker 2: that way, and I get it, and I can hold
- 7:57Speaker 2: both of those perspectives. At the same time, researchers think
- 8:00Speaker 2: that that comes in somewhere around four and a half, five,
- 8:02Speaker 2: maybe five and a half. But in the last year
- 8:04Speaker 2: or two that's been called into question. And that's why
- 8:07Speaker 2: we see kids doing really lousy lies when they're only three, four, five, six,
- 8:12Speaker 2: and the longing becomes a bit more sophisticated when they
- 8:14Speaker 2: get to eight, nine, ten, because that theory of mind
- 8:18Speaker 2: capacity is really.
- 8:19Speaker 3: Starting to embed itself. It's starting to build itself.
- 8:22Speaker 2: In to the child's way of being, the child's way
- 8:26Speaker 2: of thinking.
- 8:29Speaker 4: We actually had a pretty i'm going to say cool
- 8:33Speaker 4: experience because we actually watched this play out with the
- 8:36Speaker 4: kids the other week. One of our children had done
- 8:40Speaker 4: the wrong thing, but she recognized that if she owned
- 8:43Speaker 4: up to it, that she would probably get in a
- 8:45Speaker 4: bit more trouble than her little sister, and so she
- 8:47Speaker 4: convinced her little sister to take the blame.
- 8:50Speaker 3: To take the fall. Yeah, And her.
- 8:53Speaker 4: Little sister did it with so so much sincerity that
- 8:58Speaker 4: I believed her, in spite of the fact that it
- 9:01Speaker 4: actually went against her nature to do what she was
- 9:04Speaker 4: saying that she had done. But she was just so
- 9:08Speaker 4: contrite and so apologetic for doing the wrong thing. And
- 9:13Speaker 4: it wasn't until we kind of sat back and went,
- 9:16Speaker 4: this doesn't make sense. And finally the bigger one, the
- 9:20Speaker 4: bigger one actually came and told us what had happened.
- 9:24Speaker 4: But like I said, it was cool because as I'm
- 9:27Speaker 4: looking at this and dissecting and we're having this conversation,
- 9:30Speaker 4: I'm watching I'm actually watching in real time those cognitive
- 9:35Speaker 4: wheels turning in each of the kid's minds as they
- 9:38Speaker 4: try to negate this challenging situation that they've found themselves
- 9:43Speaker 4: in and what is the best and most pain free
- 9:46Speaker 4: way to get through it right?
- 9:49Speaker 2: And that's ultimately where line is coming from. Whether it's
- 9:51Speaker 2: trying to prove that they can do something in their competent,
- 9:53Speaker 2: or trying to avoid loss of parental love, or whether
- 9:57Speaker 2: it's trying to avoid getting in trouble or whatever reason
- 9:59Speaker 2: they'd do doing it for. Ultimately, what they're trying to
- 10:02Speaker 2: do is make this situation go away as painlessly as
- 10:05Speaker 2: they possibly can, so that we can just get on
- 10:07Speaker 2: with our lives again.
- 10:08Speaker 3: I think that we need.
- 10:09Speaker 2: To talk about how we can help our kids when
- 10:11Speaker 2: they are being dishonest, What conversations we need to have,
- 10:13Speaker 2: how we can guide them towards more integrity in the
- 10:16Speaker 2: way they engage with us.
- 10:18Speaker 4: Well, we already spoke about this situation on the podcasts
- 10:22Speaker 4: a week or so ago, but the conversation we were
- 10:24Speaker 4: able to have with our daughter after she told the
- 10:28Speaker 4: truth yes, was such a powerful one because it reinforced
- 10:33Speaker 4: to her that no matter what she does, she's loved. Okay,
- 10:37Speaker 4: there is literally nothing she could do that would stop
- 10:40Speaker 4: us from loving her.
- 10:41Speaker 2: So if we step through what needs to happen, the
- 10:44Speaker 2: first thing I would say is we've got to keep
- 10:46Speaker 2: our emotions in check because there's something, at least for me,
- 10:49Speaker 2: something really I don't like the word triggering, but for me,
- 10:53Speaker 2: when it comes to dishonesty, it's probably the thing that
- 10:54Speaker 2: sets me off more than anything else. Why do you
- 10:56Speaker 2: think that's the case, I don't know, but there's just
- 10:59Speaker 2: something about I feel as though we don't If we
- 11:01Speaker 2: can't be honest in our relationship, we don't have a relationship.
- 11:03Speaker 3: If you feel like you have to lie.
- 11:05Speaker 2: To me, it demonstrates that you don't think I'm going
- 11:08Speaker 2: to act in your best interest, or you have interests
- 11:10Speaker 2: that are deeply differentiated from mine. As a result of that,
- 11:16Speaker 2: we can't be on the same page, we can't be aligned.
- 11:18Speaker 4: But you're expecting an eight year old to think like
- 11:21Speaker 4: you think.
- 11:21Speaker 3: I know, that's a big call, isn't it.
- 11:23Speaker 2: But if I can help my eight year old to
- 11:26Speaker 2: trust me, and this is what I want EMA to
- 11:27Speaker 2: really emphasize here, if we can help our eight year
- 11:30Speaker 2: old to trust us, to know that we are there
- 11:32Speaker 2: to act in their best interests, then they will not
- 11:35Speaker 2: feel a need.
- 11:35Speaker 3: To lie to avoid getting in trouble.
- 11:37Speaker 2: They'll see us as their advocate, not their adversary. So
- 11:41Speaker 2: the only way that we can do that is to
- 11:43Speaker 2: stay level, calm, and cool even if they do lie.
- 11:47Speaker 4: So in most cases this will be probably actually not
- 11:50Speaker 4: dealing with it in the moment. Yes, for most of us,
- 11:53Speaker 4: we're not going to be calm, call and collected.
- 11:55Speaker 3: That's right.
- 11:56Speaker 2: We have a society wide expectation that people will tell
- 11:59Speaker 2: the truth.
- 12:00Speaker 3: That's at the very core.
- 12:01Speaker 2: I mean, trust in a relationship makes everything work, It
- 12:05Speaker 2: makes things more efficient. When there's no trust, that's when
- 12:07Speaker 2: you start getting lawyers involved and everything gets costly, not
- 12:10Speaker 2: just financially but emotionally and socially. A lack of trust
- 12:14Speaker 2: brings everything to a grinding halt while we work out
- 12:17Speaker 2: every single detail of every single thing. And it's the
- 12:20Speaker 2: same in our families. When there's no trust. Our child
- 12:23Speaker 2: says I want to go and do this, and we say, well,
- 12:25Speaker 2: tell me what that means.
- 12:26Speaker 3: Where will you be, who will you be with? How
- 12:28Speaker 3: long will you be gone?
- 12:29Speaker 2: Now they might be normal questions to ask anyway, but
- 12:31Speaker 2: we start to interrogate. Rather than having a quick conversation
- 12:34Speaker 2: to check in that everything's okay, we start to really
- 12:36Speaker 2: interrogate the matter, really dive into the nitty gritty and
- 12:40Speaker 2: pull them up on any inconsistencies. When there's trust, you
- 12:43Speaker 2: actually you'll often let inconsistencies slide because you know that
- 12:46Speaker 2: it was just a slip of the tongue, It wasn't
- 12:48Speaker 2: actually anything meaningful. So if a child lies to your
- 12:51Speaker 2: number one, keep your emotions balanced, stay in.
- 12:55Speaker 3: Check, keep it level.
- 12:56Speaker 2: It might mean you say, at the moment, I'm struggling
- 12:58Speaker 2: with the way this conversation is going. It doesn't seem
- 13:00Speaker 2: right to me. I'm going to step out until I
- 13:03Speaker 2: can take a big, deep breath and come back in integrity.
- 13:07Speaker 2: Telling the truth, being honest is really important in our
- 13:09Speaker 2: family and you step out.
- 13:11Speaker 3: Another thing to do is that perhaps.
- 13:13Speaker 2: You can let your children know that you understand that
- 13:17Speaker 2: they are struggling to understand the difference between what's true
- 13:20Speaker 2: and what they wish was true. So, if they're lying
- 13:22Speaker 2: about something, instead of challenging them on it and saying,
- 13:25Speaker 2: why do you always have to lie? I think that
- 13:27Speaker 2: it's really reasonable to say you wish that was true,
- 13:31Speaker 2: don't you wouldn't it be fantastic if what is true
- 13:35Speaker 2: and what you wish were true, we're exactly the same thing.
- 13:38Speaker 2: What you wish though isn't how it actually is. And
- 13:40Speaker 2: you know that and I know that. And I found
- 13:42Speaker 2: that specific phrase to be really helpful in conversations with
- 13:45Speaker 2: the kids. You know this and I know this. It
- 13:49Speaker 2: kind of just brings them back right here right now.
- 13:52Speaker 2: It's one of those things where they don't go, you
- 13:53Speaker 2: don't know that, and I know something different. They kind
- 13:56Speaker 2: of go, yeah, actually, I do know that, and I
- 13:57Speaker 2: know that you know that as well.
- 13:59Speaker 3: It helps soften all of that. Well.
- 14:03Speaker 4: In doing that, what you're actually giving them is the
- 14:07Speaker 4: empathy that they need, right instead of having them feel
- 14:11Speaker 4: like they have to justify the lie that they've told.
- 14:14Speaker 3: Yeah.
- 14:14Speaker 2: Another compassionate way to do that is, let's say there's
- 14:19Speaker 2: your treat, your treat that was in the fridge that
- 14:22Speaker 2: you've been saving for Sunday night, that special chocolate that
- 14:25Speaker 2: you're given as a gift. Suddenly it disappears and the
- 14:28Speaker 2: wrapping ends up in the bin. And what you can
- 14:30Speaker 2: say to your child when your child says, I didn't
- 14:32Speaker 2: eat it, and you've checked with everyone else in the house,
- 14:34Speaker 2: and you know that nobody else did. It was only
- 14:36Speaker 2: that child that was home, and it somehow managed to
- 14:39Speaker 2: get eaten in the time that you were out, and that.
- 14:41Speaker 3: Child was the only one at home. You can just
- 14:43Speaker 3: say something like, well, I've never seen that happen before.
- 14:45Speaker 2: I've never seen the chocolate eat itself and put its
- 14:48Speaker 2: wrapper in the bin when no one else was home
- 14:49Speaker 2: except for one person.
- 14:51Speaker 3: That's miraculous. Like you can make light of.
- 14:54Speaker 2: It, you can keep it nice and gentle, but you're
- 14:56Speaker 2: sending a really clear message I've never seen it happen before,
- 14:59Speaker 2: because it just doesn't stack up. There's no parsimonious reason
- 15:03Speaker 2: for this to have happened other than we've got some dishonesty.
- 15:06Speaker 2: And I think the most important thing in spite of
- 15:08Speaker 2: those fun alternative ways of dealing with dishonesty. I think
- 15:12Speaker 2: the most important thing is just to explain the impact
- 15:14Speaker 2: on the relationship. When we do that really gently, really
- 15:17Speaker 2: softly and kindly.
- 15:18Speaker 3: When we say to our kids, if you lie to me,
- 15:22Speaker 3: I can't believe you.
- 15:23Speaker 2: If I can't believe you, we don't have a relationship.
- 15:25Speaker 2: I have to follow you everywhere, I have to check
- 15:28Speaker 2: up on you all the time. It makes life hard
- 15:30Speaker 2: for us all. When we explain the impact on the relationship,
- 15:33Speaker 2: the costs to the relationship, our kids get it eventually,
- 15:38Speaker 2: but more than anything, for Emma and anyone else who's
- 15:40Speaker 2: got a child who's lying, it's important to highlight that
- 15:43Speaker 2: so long as we treat our child with love, with unconditionality,
- 15:47Speaker 2: and continue to teach them gently and patiently, they grow
- 15:52Speaker 2: out of it. Lying is to a very large degree
- 15:56Speaker 2: an issue of age and inexperience and immaturity, And as
- 16:01Speaker 2: they become more experienced and more mature, it's true that
- 16:03Speaker 2: they'll still lie about some stuff.
- 16:05Speaker 3: Plenty of about lessons, and plenty of adults still lie
- 16:07Speaker 3: about things, but the.
- 16:08Speaker 2: Lies will not be as destructive to relationships. If we
- 16:12Speaker 2: get this right in the early years.
- 16:15Speaker 4: For me, I think that regardless of what the challenge
- 16:19Speaker 4: is that we're having with our children, the number one
- 16:24Speaker 4: thing to focus on is the relationship. At the moment,
- 16:27Speaker 4: we're talking about lying, but it's actually about trust. That's right,
- 16:30Speaker 4: and everything that we I guess are challenged by with
- 16:34Speaker 4: our children comes down to having that relationship of trust,
- 16:38Speaker 4: a trust that you've got their best interest at heart,
- 16:41Speaker 4: that you love them no matter what, and that you're
- 16:43Speaker 4: going to do everything in your power to keep them safe.
- 16:47Speaker 4: And so if we can kind of just take the
- 16:52Speaker 4: heat of the lying and focus more heavily on the
- 16:55Speaker 4: relationship and building that sense of trust, then hopefully, over
- 17:01Speaker 4: time lying actually becomes obsolete. It no longer plays a
- 17:08Speaker 4: part in your relationship because your children just know.
- 17:11Speaker 3: Exactly well, Emma.
- 17:13Speaker 2: We really really do hope that this has been a
- 17:14Speaker 2: helpful conversation as we seek to offer some gentle guidance
- 17:18Speaker 2: in dealing with an eight year old who has a
- 17:21Speaker 2: flexible relationship with the truth. The Happy Family's podcast is
- 17:24Speaker 2: produced by Justin Rowland from Bridge Media.
- 17:26Speaker 3: Craig Bruce is our executive
- 17:27Speaker 2: Producer, and for more information about making your family happier,
- 17:30Speaker 2: we'd love for you to join us at happy Families
- 17:32Speaker 2: dot com dot au or on our Facebook page at
- 17:34Speaker 2: doctor Justin Colson's Happy Families