Latest / BECOME Empowered / Throw Away Your Bucket List: Teri M. Brown on Adventure, Love & Finding Yourself Again
Transcript
- Teri M Brown: you already have value. You don't SabineKvenberg.com: Yeah. Teri M Brown: need to be something or do anything to have value. You are it's intrinsic. You have that value. But I had been beaten down for so long, I didn't believe that anymore. And I was SabineKvenberg.com: Mm. Teri M Brown: sure that if I didn't believe it, no one else believed it either. I hate the idea of a bucket list because someday you're going to be near the end and you're going to look at this list and see a list of things you never accomplished. So instead SabineKvenberg.com: Mm. Welcome Terry. I am so excited about our conversation because there are a lot of topics we want to talk about. But welcome to the Become Empowered Podcast. Teri M Brown: Thank you so much for having me. I'm so excited to be here with you today. SabineKvenberg.com: when I read all the things that you do and that you've done, I thought, my gosh, this is a very exciting interview. And I want to dive right into. You did something very unusual. You did a tour on a tandem bicycle across country. So What made you decide to do that? Teri M Brown: Yeah, so what I think it's funny how you said unusual. Most people go crazy. That was crazy, and it really was a little bit crazy. SabineKvenberg.com: Ha ha ha. Teri M Brown: I had in 2017, I got out of a really bad relationship. I had been, it was my second marriage, and it was an emotionally abusive relationship, and I stayed in it for a very long time because I didn't want to de be divorced twice. And I finally got out of that relationship. And when I did, I was really in a bad place. I didn't know who I was. I didn't know what I wanted. I didn't even think there really was anything left for me. I was 54 years old and I thought my life was over. I really, I couldn't see where I was going next. I had a friend of my son's started walking the Appalachian Trail. And he was writing this blog and I was reading that thing kind of like a drowning woman, you know, like, my gosh, and I would read every post and pour over it. And I started thinking, I want to do something like that. I want to do something big and bold because I thought I needed to prove to people that I still had value. Now, as it turns out, I needed to prove that to me, not to anyone else. But I didn't know that at the time. And so I was very intent on showing everyone that I still had value. In Waltz's Bruce, who becomes my third husband, and which is crazy because I was never ever ever getting married again. And in fact, we didn't even he would say that we were dating, and I would say, no, we're not, because dating leads to something and this isn't going anywhere. Like I have no intention. But anyway, while we were doing this pseudo-dating, whatever it was we were doing, he said to me, You know, I've always wanted to ride across the United States on a bicycle, and I thought. Now that would be adventurous because I've not been on a bicycle in 40 years. So I asked him, are you going to talk about it forever? Are you going to really do it? And he said, no, I want to do it. And I said, count me in. Well, what's crazy about that is he is an avid cyclist and has been since he was 12. And I've not been on a bicycle in 40 years. There is no amount of training that is going to catch me up to where he is. So we determined that riding on a tandem was going to be the way we would do that. He can't go faster than me, I can't go slower than him, and it's going to take both of us to make it across the United States. So in the summer of 2020, which we intended to do, and then COVID came and almost stopped us, and then we did it anyway. we rode from Astoria, Oregon to Washington, DC, 3,102 miles, and raising money for toys for tots, and along that journey. Journey, I kind of healed from this horrible relationship that I had had for 14 years and figured out who I was and what I wanted to do with my life. SabineKvenberg.com: Wow, there is a lot to unpack. Yeah, Teri M Brown: There is SabineKvenberg.com: first of all, you started saying, I wanted to make it work, my the second marriage. So you stayed because. And so often that's what we do. We stay Teri M Brown: Right. I stayed. Right. Yeah. SabineKvenberg.com: in something, a relationship, a business, a job we hate, because, and we always have a because answer for that. So that's the number one. So good for you to came out. Number two, what you said was you had to prove that you had value. That's that's in and of itself powerful. But then you said something else. You had to prove it for yourself. And isn't that so true? Because so often. Teri M Brown: Right. Well, and and the thing that yeah, and the thing that I tell women now when when I'm talking to them is you already have value. You don't SabineKvenberg.com: Yeah. Teri M Brown: need to be something or do anything to have value. You are it's intrinsic. You have that value. But I had been beaten down for so long, I didn't believe that anymore. And I was SabineKvenberg.com: Mm. Teri M Brown: sure that if I didn't believe it, no one else believed it either. SabineKvenberg.com: Right, exactly. And Teri M Brown: Right? SabineKvenberg.com: that's where it starts. We have to believe in ourselves, right? So we have to believe in ourselves to do that. So let me just here we go. I had like a little distraction here. Yes, we have to believe that we can do this first. Our the beliefs in ourselves. And then the other thing. When you talked about doing a tandem trip, right? That that was also very powerful because it shows that we have to work together. You cannot go, he cannot go faster than you are and not slower. I i this is just partnership, which I guess maybe led to now being married, right? Teri M Brown: So we we actually got married right before we went on the ride. About a year before we went on the ride, we did get married, SabineKvenberg.com: Okay. Teri M Brown: which like I said, I was never getting married again, but he stuck around and I became used to him and realized he really was who he said he was, which was another thing because I had been in this bad relationship. I didn't trust myself anymore to pick someone. because SabineKvenberg.com: Mm. Teri M Brown: I hadn't done well and so it was like, but he really was who he said he was, and and I realized that and we did get married. But going on this trip and having to work together, when you're riding on a tandem bicycle, it's more than just pedaling together. You can't start the bicycle without working together. You can't stop it without working together. You have to determine together when it's time to take a break. Everything is done together. And then we rode all the way across the United States camping along the way. So we're in a tent together. And so for three months, we were within arm's length of one another pretty much all day, every day. And it was like getting 20 years of marriage in a very short period of time. And not in a bad way, not like, 20 years of marriage. But I mean, in a we learned to work together, to solve problems, to figure out where. each other's strengths were and how to best use them in s in situations. And when we came home from that, it was as though we had been married for twenty years instead of one. SabineKvenberg.com: Wow. Are you still married? Teri M Brown: We would be. he passed away a year and a half ago. He ended up yeah, I know it was very SabineKvenberg.com: I'm so sorry. Teri M Brown: I know, it's very tragic. he ended up with glioblastoma, which is an incurable brain cancer, and he passed away a year ago in January, so SabineKvenberg.com: Okay. I have to stop here because I I wanted to play kind of a cheek and I did not know that. So I'm so very sorry. Yes, yes, yes. Teri M Brown: That's all right. No, no, no, no, no, no. It's fine. It does, it didn't, it did it's it's just part of what's going on in my life. So I'm okay with it. SabineKvenberg.com: Right, right, right. So then let me ref rephrase this Teri M Brown: Okay. SabineKvenberg.com: and I will see how I edit it together. Teri M Brown: Okay. SabineKvenberg.com: So being on that tour and building this strong relationship that gave you the confidence you made the right choice choice Teri M Brown: Yes. SabineKvenberg.com: to get married the third time, right? Yes. Teri M Brown: Absolutely. And and you know, there are there are things that that happen in your life and you always wonder like, did I do the right thing? And this is one of those that I know without a shadow of a doubt, I did the right thing because I learned what a good marriage was supposed to look like. And it was this, SabineKvenberg.com: Beautiful. Teri M Brown: you know, he he believes in me, he holds me tight and lets me fly free at the same time. It it was an amazing relationship. And so I'm so glad that I I went with it. But yeah, the the ride helped me see that yes indeed, because you are really tested. SabineKvenberg.com: Right, right. Teri M Brown: You know, we're out on the road, out in the elements, things are constantly changing. You think one thing's gonna happen, and all of a sudden there's construction on the road or or whatever. And we had to learn how we handled things like disappointment and change and and et cetera, and then learn to adapt with one another. So it was really, it's a very valuable thing to do. SabineKvenberg.com: You mentioned it was a good relationship. Tell tell tell us what what happened. Teri M Brown: Yeah. in June of twenty-two, he was diagnosed with glioblastoma, which is an incurable brain cancer. and then he passed away in January of twenty-five. So we had a very short relationship in terms of, you know, a lot of people get a lot of length of time, but we packed a lot into the years that we had. And like I said, I feel very blessed that I got that relationship. I'd like more of it, don't get me wrong, but I'm very blessed SabineKvenberg.com: Mm-hmm. Teri M Brown: that I got what I got. SabineKvenberg.com: Yeah. And it's so beautiful to to hear you say that, because not many are able to say it or wish they Teri M Brown: I know. SabineKvenberg.com: could say it. And also being there for him through his last years. bring us back to that moment. How how did it feel? How did you get through it? Teri M Brown: So initially, the first the first sign that we had that there was a problem is we were laying in bed. He was reading a a letter to me from his aunt. she's older and and he started making weird noises. I thought he was crying. And so I was teasing him a little bit because he spent 25 years in the Marines and he's, you know, my big gruff guy. And and I thought he was crying over his aunt's letter. And he shook his head at me and he got up and he went into the bathroom. And then I started noticing him and I looked and he can't speak. He's unable SabineKvenberg.com: Wow. Teri M Brown: to say anything. And all of a sudden his face started drooping. And I thought he's having a stroke. That was my SabineKvenberg.com: Yeah. Teri M Brown: thought. So I called 911. they tried to have him say something. They wanted to to evaluate his speech over the phone. And he couldn't he couldn't say what they wanted him to say. And by the time the EMS got here, he was fine, 100% fine. There was nothing wrong. But they took him in anyway. and said they he they thought he probably had what they call a TIA, one of those transient stroke things. And they did a CAT scan, and then they must have seen something because they decided they needed to do an MRI. And we were in this tiny hospital that didn't even have a neurologist, and so they put a neurologist on a television screen. Who's looking at his and brings the screen in? So there's this television screen, like you and I are doing, like a Zoom call. And SabineKvenberg.com: Mm-hmm. Teri M Brown: this this doctor that we never never did meet told him that he had glioblastoma. And SabineKvenberg.com: Wow. Teri M Brown: I I'm standing behind Bruce. Bruce is asking very Pointed permanent questions, and I'm standing there hearing over and over and over in my head, cancer, cancer, cancer. Like I couldn't, I couldn't even hear what else was being said. It was like I had been totally derailed. and for a couple of days, I think I just like how did that happen? It was fine. We were fine. Like everything SabineKvenberg.com: Mm. Teri M Brown: was fine. There was nothing wrong. Two days later, I start finally kind of. Not coming to terms, but like, okay, these are the next steps and the things we have to do. And that's when Bruce fell apart. So it SabineKvenberg.com: Yeah. Teri M Brown: even like on our ride, it was the same way. It was like I fell apart first. And then when I was okay, he fell apart. So we could take care of one another during those those moments. as soon as you know it's glioblastoma, you know that there is no hope, no long-term hope. SabineKvenberg.com: W okay, I I don't know that term, so yeah. Teri M Brown: At at five at five years, ninety-seven percent of anyone who's diagnosed has passed away. So SabineKvenberg.com: Mm. Wow. Teri M Brown: there's only three percent chance that live more than five years. I mean it's it's just very but Bruce was of the opinion that he would be that three percent. And so he chose to fight it and he did he did, he fought it hard. The average person lives eight months after diagnosis. He lived for two and a half years. So, you know, SabineKvenberg.com: Here you go. Teri M Brown: that's but eventually the cancer got him. it's just it's an insidious, fast growing cancer that if you aren't constantly treating it with chemo, it grows and eventually that was too much for his body. No. SabineKvenberg.com: Yeah. And that's another thing. Of course, when you have to fight something like that with chemo, chemo in and of itself is is yeah, yeah. I yeah. Teri M Brown: The ke Yes, it's horrible. It's p it's poison. I mean, I think someday we will look back on how we used chemo, the the world will, and they'll say, my gosh, they gave SabineKvenberg.com: Yeah. Teri M Brown: them poison in hopes that that would kill the bad stuff and the good stuff would grow back. Like it's really a horrible and then when you are the person, so he was taking an oral chemo, so I would have to put on rubber gloves and go get his medicine and give it to him. And I'm thinking to myself, What what SabineKvenberg.com: Yeah! Teri M Brown: What person who loves their husband gives SabineKvenberg.com: Yeah. Teri M Brown: them poison and yet without doing it, he's it yeah, there's just no way to to reconcile that in your head. It's as it was a very, SabineKvenberg.com: Yeah. Right. Teri M Brown: very difficult thing to do. SabineKvenberg.com: Yeah. And so how did this whole experience of what you experienced, all the highs and wonderful times, and then of course going through the end stage of his life, how did it affect your spirit or you as a person? Have you grown through that process? So Teri M Brown: Yeah, so I think, you know, while while he was still in the fighting stage, I was the I was his cheerleader and I was his advocate and I did everything in my power to make sure he got everything that he needed. And I was willing to fight anyone who tried not to give us what we needed, and I was that person for him. You know, he became really weak and unable to ride his bicycle anymore. And I found a way to get him back onto this racing tricycle so that he could still be out on his bike. He was only able to go up and down the block, but it still got him outside. And so it was SabineKvenberg.com: Mm-hmm. Teri M Brown: that kind of thing where I it was I'm his partner and I'm going to make sure that he has the best life that he can have. At the end when he decided he was done. That's a very hard thing to accept. And he accepted it, and I wanted to, but I had a hard time with it. And even though I knew it was the right thing, there was the piece of me that understood that his quality of life was so poor at this point that continuing on made no sense. And yet the other part of me that's the selfish part of me wanted him there in any SabineKvenberg.com: Yeah. Teri M Brown: capacity. I didn't, you know, and so it was a very difficult time. when he passed away, I for several months, I think I just kind of wandered around in a fog, even though we knew it was coming. You know, and people would say to me, Well, I mean, you knew it was coming. Yeah, that doesn't I mean, y sure you know, but you don't know. You don't you're SabineKvenberg.com: Yeah. Teri M Brown: not you're not living it yet, you know? And so I did. I wandered around in a fog. I didn't write. I didn't think I'd ever write again. I I just couldn't imagine what life was going to be like. he died in January. In August, I went to a writer's retreat and found my writing voice again and wrote my next novel. but I still wasn't me. And I don't think I was really me until this summer. And I went and I did some traveling alone. And SabineKvenberg.com: Mm-hmm. Teri M Brown: that's that's hard. Doing anything alone when you would rather be with someone is a is a difficult thing. And It was almost like going across the United States on a tandem again. It was like I had to find me again. Because SabineKvenberg.com: Yeah. Teri M Brown: the world has this way of dumping stuff in on top of you. And then you kind of lose your way and lose who you are and lose that sense of self and what you're capable of. And his death kind of buried all of that up. inside of me and then as I traveled this summer and I stayed in Greece for three weeks and then I went to Barcelona and I did a lot of things. I it was like look at this I can do it. I can do it I SabineKvenberg.com: Mm, yeah. Teri M Brown: can do it again. And and so I feel like just recently I'm starting to feel more like myself. It's not that I don't miss him. I miss him daily. I I will miss him SabineKvenberg.com: Of of course. Teri M Brown: daily. But I feel like now the grief instead of sitting right in front of my face where I'm not able to see, it's now maybe sitting over on my shoulder. You know, and it's there and I know it's there and it's my companion, but it's not in front of my face keeping me from being able to to see what's out in front of me. SabineKvenberg.com: And we also must allow ourselves to grieve because this Teri M Brown: Yes. SabineKvenberg.com: is as human beings how we deal with stuff. And if we don't, you know, and it's Teri M Brown: Right. Well SabineKvenberg.com: like with everything, you you you will get over it, and you still have that love for that person, the person will still be with you. But I'm so happy for you that Teri M Brown: Yeah. SabineKvenberg.com: you found your Writer's voice again. So let's talk about that part of you because you have been writing books before and now you I think you just recently this year you you published Peg Unhinged, which is Teri M Brown: Yeah. SabineKvenberg.com: a novel. Teri M Brown: Yes, it's a novel. It's the one that I actually wrote. that was the first thing I wrote after Bruce died. And so what was amazing about this book is it's a humorous book. It is it's funny. she's a very funny woman. She's going through menopause and she's not doing it well. And she's she's making all kinds of crazy decisions and doing things, and it's just a really funny look at this woman. Eventually, you know, she kind of gets herself together, and and that's I always love to have a redeeming space with, you know, a woman who's doing something. but what I loved about it was that I found my humor again. Because after Bruce died, I didn't feel funny. And I didn't really find much funny. You know, it would be like people tell a joke and be like, yeah, it doesn't do anything for me. And I found my humor again. And I think sometimes we need to do that. You know, grieving is a very difficult, dark, ugly place to be. And then to be able to pair that with this humor that I was writing, it's like it gave me an outlet. It gave me a space to not be sad all the time. SabineKvenberg.com: Yeah. And it's so important Teri M Brown: You know, and and a f SabineKvenberg.com: it's important to to have that joy and that laughter. La laughters Teri M Brown: Yes. SabineKvenberg.com: are healing, you know, they're those exercises, laughter exercises or laughter meditations, right? because it it it ha it's a chemical reaction in your body Teri M Brown: Yes. SabineKvenberg.com: that that that stimulates all our happy hormones, the dopamines and dorphins and whatnot. So that was a good good natural cure for for that sadness. Teri M Brown: Yeah, it was. I think the other thing that I really learned through all of this is I think a lot of times we think that there's there's happiness and there's sadness, and that they're complete opposites and they don't ever touch one another. And what I've learned through all of this is that sometimes happiness and sadness come in the exact same moment. Over the exact same thing. They're right, they're there together. And it's okay to feel both simultaneously. You know, SabineKvenberg.com: Yeah. Teri M Brown: the at Christmas time I had made some beautiful little teddy bears out of some of his shirts for the grandchildren. And I made these teddy bears and I'm looking at them and I'm thinking, isn't that the most beautiful thing? And it was. And I was so pleased, and I started to sob. Because it was SabineKvenberg.com: Yeah. Teri M Brown: so sad, because I shouldn't have had to ever do that. And yet SabineKvenberg.com: Yeah. Teri M Brown: and it was both. And it was okay to be both. Yeah. SabineKvenberg.com: Yeah, yeah. And and sometimes you even you you you cry and then you start laughing again. I had that too, yeah. It's it's Teri M Brown: Yes. SabineKvenberg.com: it's emotion in motion. Emotion, yeah. Teri M Brown: It is. Absolutely. Absolutely. So the I think the writing has helped me a lot kind of capture some of those feelings. And like all of the experiences in my life, these new experiences will make it out into my characters. You know? SabineKvenberg.com: Yes. Teri M Brown: I I now I Thought I understood grief before because I've I lost my dad and I've lost friends and I've, you know, this is a different kind of grief. I feel it differently. I now know a new aspect of it. I know, I know this, the anger that I felt was very intense at first, where I was just, I was furious at everyone. And I now kind of see things a little differently. And I'm sure these experiences will make their way into different characters that are dealing with different things in their life. SabineKvenberg.com: Yes, and that is the beauty of our lives experiences, Teri M Brown: Yeah. SabineKvenberg.com: especially for women our age who what I call it are in their wise stages, in their Teri M Brown: Yes. SabineKvenberg.com: you know, and I I share that also in my latest book that was just released a couple weeks ago as of this recording. It was in August 2026. And it's my memoir. And in that I share stories of my life, but I always make it into context of what someone else may also experience in their life, even it's a different story. We all have different stories. And Teri M Brown: Right, right. SabineKvenberg.com: what we learn from it, and the the the nuggets of wisdom that came out of these experiences. Just like you, you bring it into the characters. It doesn't matter if it's a novel, if it's a memoir. We all learned through our experiences and we pass it on in different ways. So I can't Teri M Brown: Absolutely. SabineKvenberg.com: I can't wait to to read your book because Teri M Brown: Yeah. SabineKvenberg.com: you know it's just I I want to have some some funny things that I Teri M Brown: Ripe. SabineKvenberg.com: want to read besides other Educational books that I read all the time. I was just thinking Teri M Brown: Right. SabineKvenberg.com: about that today, actually, Terry. I am going on vacation Teri M Brown: Uh-huh. SabineKvenberg.com: with my girlfriend in in October. We know each other since we were like born, right? So we have our 60th friendship anniversary and and we've never gone on vacation together. Every time I know, Teri M Brown: Ooh, this is gonna be fun. SabineKvenberg.com: I know. And I was just thinking. You know what? Just like one week doing nothing and just being together and having a book for fun. Just that I can get lost in, like a romance or something, a novel. So Teri M Brown: Well, I would I would highly recommend Peg Unhinged. no, and I I really would just because it's funny, but it also has substance to it. So it isn't just ha ha ha, it's just funny. There's there's real substance to it, but it will make you laugh and maybe want to shake Peg a little, because sometimes she does things and you think, what are you doing? But even when you're saying that to yourself, there's that little piece of you that says, Yeah, I can kind of understand what she's doing. SabineKvenberg.com: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yes. Teri M Brown: Because you've been there yourself where you you're where you're at your wits end and you're just you're no longer making smart decisions because yeah. So sh SabineKvenberg.com: Yeah. So what what's happening in your life right now? What's on the horizon? Teri M Brown: Well, I have another book that I am about Hmm, 75% done with the first draft. I know how it's gonna end, which is a huge thing for me because I'm what they call a pantser. So I write by the seat of my pants, whatever comes to mind, and I'm often 60,000 words into an 80,000 word book, and I have no idea how it's gonna end. And it gets a little scary because you're thinking, I've done a lot of writing here. I hope I have an ending. and I came up with the ending, and so I quick jotted it down because I have what I call menopause brain, which means that I forget what I came up with. And then you have to sit there and say, now what was I thinking? so I hope to have that out sometime in the spring. I've started doing a lot more public speaking, which I'm really excited about. I love the idea of talking about, mostly I like to talk about my trip. But the lessons that I learned. So I've got a book, 10 Little Rules for a Double Budded Adventure. And those are the 10 life lessons I learned while on this trip. And those make really good talking points when you know standing in front of a group. I'm a grandma, which is great. I just I just had a another little grandbaby in June, so that's really exciting. And I've been telling people I've got other things that I want to try. Like I wanna learn to play the violin. I know I'm sixty-two and that I'll never like be in an orchestra or or anything like that, but I wanna learn it because I find it to be such a beautiful instrument. So I would love to do that. I also wanna learn to watercolor. Like I love I SabineKvenberg.com: Mm-hmm. Teri M Brown: love the idea of of painting with watercolors and everyone tells me, that's the hardest one to start with. And it's like that's okay. I'm I'm never going to be famous with it. I just want to do it. So yeah. Yeah. Yeah. SabineKvenberg.com: Just to do it, to have fun and to do it. I love it, I love it. And that's exactly what makes life interesting. Just trying something new, right? Mm-hmm. Teri M Brown: Yes. Yeah. Yeah. I didn't I didn't say I was gonna have to sell them at a at a you know, some museum or anything. I just am trying SabineKvenberg.com: Really? Teri M Brown: to like I don't know, try new things, new outlets and see where it takes me and see how it feels. The other thing that I'm really interested in doing a lot more of is traveling. Now that I kind SabineKvenberg.com: Mm. Teri M Brown: of got over that hump of traveling alone, I I don't necessarily like the alone part, but I really like the traveling part. And so I think I'll get used to the alone part or I'll find some other people who are also alone who wish to travel with someone and we'll go do that together. So SabineKvenberg.com: Y yeah, many, many different ways. Well Teri M Brown: Yes. SabineKvenberg.com: Terry, this conversation was so fun, enlightening and insightful. if you could leave our audience with one piece of advice, what would that Teri M Brown: Yeah. So SabineKvenberg.com: be? Teri M Brown: my one piece of advice to everyone is take your bucket list and throw it away. I hate the idea of a bucket list because someday you're going to be near the end and you're going to look at this list and see a list of things you never accomplished. So instead SabineKvenberg.com: Mm. Teri M Brown: look at your list, find one thing on the list that really means something to you today. and start doing something about it. So pick one thing and do something toward that today. And then tomorrow do something else toward that until you've accomplished that thing. So get rid of the bucket list and actually start doing something. SabineKvenberg.com: I love it. It couldn't be a better ending. Thank you so much, Terry. And I'll make sure we have all the information about you and your book in the show notes. Thank you so much for being Teri M Brown: Thank you so much. SabineKvenberg.com: here. Teri M Brown: Thank you.