Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / S1 Ep7: Laugh Out Loud, Best Bits 🤣

Transcript

S1 Ep7: Laugh Out Loud, Best Bits 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_03: I always feel like weather is something that you can use to ingratiate yourself toward other girls.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_03: Guys have sports when they meet each other.
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_03: It doesn't matter.
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_03: Sub, bro, sub.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_03: You see that?
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_03: 30 for 30?
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_03: With girls, it's not fashion.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_03: It's not anything else.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_03: It's the weather.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_03: It's like, oh my god, it was so hot.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_03: Like earlier.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_03: And then the other girl's like, it was so hot.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_03: I noticed that, I feel.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_03: It was I love it when it's hot, but not too hot.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_03: Do you know what I'm talking about?
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_03: I do.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_03: No, I know what you're saying.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_03: Like I totally get it, but not too hot.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_03: But I also like it when it's cold.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_03: Me too, but not too cold.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_03: No, because if it's too cold, then it's like brrr.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_03: I can talk about weather.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_03: Uh but the weird thing for being a girl is even if you live in cold weather, no matter how much you're used to dealing with cold weather, girls always have an issue with deciding what outer layer we should wear.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_03: We always defer to the guy.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_03: Like bigger jacket.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_03: A short one?
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_03: A long one?
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_03: You're not looking?
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_03: I should do a jacket.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_03: Are we going?
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_03: For the jacket?
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_03: Should I do it?
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_03: Should I do a jacket?
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_03: Will you just pause Halo for like two seconds and think?
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_03: Jacket.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_03: Should I do it?
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_03: Should I do a jacket?
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_03: No, no, jacket.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_03: Should I just do like four scarves and no pants?
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_03: Seems counterintuitive.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_03: No jacket?
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_03: Jacket.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_03: Jacket?
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_03: Jacket.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_03: Finally, a boyfriend's like, yeah, bring a f jacket.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_03: And you're like, I don't want to bring a jacket.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_03: Why not?
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_03: Because then I have to carry it.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_03: Girls hate the idea of carrying a jacket.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_03: It's too heavy.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_03: The female body is capable of carrying a human being for nine months, but apparently a lightweight jacket stuffed with feathers is where we draw the line.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_03: You bring a jacket.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_03: In your 20s, you never bring a jacket.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_03: Slash never brought a jacket.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_03: Some of you are in your 20s, so remember like yesterday.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_03: Do it.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_03: In your 20s, you never brought a jacket, right?
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_03: Because you're invincible and like a little stupid, full, and you're like, I don't need one.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_03: And that's why it's so funny for those that are over 30, for those of us to like watch 20-year-olds at like 2 a.m., like braving the cold, shivering, doing this with their dresses, like pulling it down.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_03: Aldo's shoes cracking under the pressure.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_03: Just my dress won't come.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_03: No, you're not wearing a dress.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_03: It's a tube sock, mercy.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_03: Because you always rationalize it.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_03: You're like, it's not that far from the car to the bar.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_03: In your 20s, you want to risk that icy walk for the glory of not having to wear a jacket.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_03: You have no problem with that two-minute walk.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_03: Not every girl makes it.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_03: I've lost many a hot amber to that walk.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_03: You're walking, you're like, where's Amber?
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_03: Amber's frozen.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_03: Like, go order a lemon drop and toast to my memory.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_03: It's the worst when you're cold, you can't find your car.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_03: If you're with a group of girls, you have to resign yourself to the fact that you're probably not going to find your car.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_03: There's something, even if you're a brilliant woman, there's something in the genetic makeup of women that disables us from remembering where the car is parked.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_03: It's very rare that a woman parks the car and is like, boop, okay, I'm in spot 4F.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_03: Let me remember that.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_03: Let me be responsible for my choices in this life.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_03: Something disengages, it takes over, and we're just like, boop!
• 3:30
  unknown: What's this?
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_03: And then we just like wake up in a Sephora.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_03: All girls love fall.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_03: I don't know if you know that.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_03: All girls are required to love fall.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_03: Required.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_03: When you apply, like when we applied to be girls, went to the girl counter and they hold your girl card up and they go, What's your favorite season?
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_03: And you go, It's fall, mother f and they're like, alright.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_03: Here's your girl card, here's your Uggs, here's your glitter, go have fun be insecure.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_03: Girls love fall so much.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_03: I've been planning this fall since July.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_03: Of like, of like two years ago.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_03: We fing get into fall.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_03: You don't even have to tell girls when it's fall.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_03: We know.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_03: We sense it.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_03: Alright, we get into it.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_03: The second it turns fall, the second a leaf falls somewhere in like Connecticut, we feel it.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_03: Sitting at home watching TV.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_03: Outside, the temperature drops from like 86 to 63.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_03: We pop out of the ground like gophers.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_03: We sense that fall is here.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_03: Watching TV, fall comes.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_03: We're just like.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_03: Did you feel that?
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_03: I did.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_03: It was a breeze.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, cinnamon, nutmeg, clothes.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_02: Pumpkin everything.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_02: Pumpkin.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_02: Eat the pumpkins.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_03: Let's plant fall sh.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_03: You have to your boyfriend, you drag your boyfriend by the teeth.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_03: Let's go.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_03: We're doing fall s we're going apple picking.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_03: Babe, there's no apple orchards in Los Angeles.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_03: Fine, I'm going to the grocery store.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_03: I'm gonna throw apples at children.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_03: Something.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_03: We go on Pinterest, we start pinning fall ideas, leaves.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_03: That's a fun thing we like to f with.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_03: Every year the leaves change color and we lose our s every year.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_02: Did you see the leaves?
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_02: Oh my eye!
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_03: Last week they were green and now they're brown! They're not brown, they're f dead, you sicko! They're fing dead, and you're doing craps with their corpses.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_03: You have you no respect for nature?
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_03: That was a living thing, you monster! We talk about it.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_03: What are you gonna do with your dead leaves?
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_03: I'm gonna make a pile on the front lawn so the kids can play in the death.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_03: What are you gonna do?
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_03: With your dead leaves, I'm gonna make a wreath on the front door as a warning to other dead leaves not to f with me.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_03: You just eat a leaf a dead.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_03: Pin, pin, pin.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_03: We love Pinterest.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_03: All girls love Pinterest.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_03: Anyone?
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_03: Girls?
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_03: Yes.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_03: Pinterest, porn for white women.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_03: We love it.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_03: We love planning things on Pinterest.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_03: A lot of girls plan their weddings on Pinterest.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_03: One of my girlfriends got married on Valentine's Day.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_03: And joking, I was like, oh my god, that's so fun.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_03: What was your theme?
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_03: Dead serious.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_03: She was like, we did like love, but like under the stars.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_03: Under the sea.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_03: I was like, okay, it's a wedding, not a prom.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_03: Tell you what, Denver, if and when I get married, I'm gonna get married the day after Valentine's Day, and my theme is going to be 75% off chocolate.
• 6:43
  unknown: Right?
• 6:45
  unknown: Yeah!
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_02: Because it's my day.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_03: Guys, any of you that are engaged, uh, just know that your fiance has already planned your entire wedding on Pinterest, okay?
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_03: She's planned your wedding, future vacations, your fing funeral, man.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_03: It's on Pinterest.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_03: And we don't do it when you're looking, no, because if you saw how creepy we got with Pinterest, you wouldn't have us.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_03: We do it under the cloak of night.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_03: We wait.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_03: We get a pumpkin spice latte and we go in.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_03: And we log on to Pinterest.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_03: Gentlemen, just so you know, Pinterest for girls is like Call of Duty for guys.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_03: I got a f headset on.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_03: Talking to 14-year-olds in Michigan.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_03: First person pinning pictures of Channing Tatum like Heath Mine.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_03: Pin, pin, pin, pin, pin.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_03: We get into it.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_03: You get in these like creative downward spirals of just like pinning, pinning.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_03: Am I looking at porn?
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_03: Pin, pin, pin, pin, pin.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_03: I'm not even sure at this point.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_03: Natural water birth.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_03: Why am I pinning that?
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_03: Pin, pin, pin, pin, pin.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_03: Looking outside six hours, seven hours, twenty-four hours later.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_03: You open the mini blinds.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_03: It's sunny outside.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_03: Keep pinning for the glory.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_03: Bit! Come in here.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_03: I want to show you what I'm pinning for my wedding.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_03: Our wedding.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_03: Oops.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_03: Come in here.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_03: I want to show you.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_03: I have all these fun ideas.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_03: I think we should do a chocolate waterfall, but instead of chocolate, we should do bridesmaids' tears.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_03: I think it's fair.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_03: It's only fair.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_03: I want to show this to you.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_03: Pin pin, come in here.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_03: Brian.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_03: Brian gives a sht what's your name as I'm getting married.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_03: I want to show this to you.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_03: I like this.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_03: Do you like the pink napkins or the red napkins?
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_03: I think there's a difference.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_03: I think there's a difference.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_03: Stressed out.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_03: And I don't know what I'm doing.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_02: Do you think I'm pretty?
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_02: I don't know.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_02: I don't know what the theme should be.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_02: Okay.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_02: You know what the theme should be?
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_02: That your mom's a b.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_02: So that's what the theme should be.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_03: But I wanna do it anyway because I love you so much.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_03: And it's gonna be amazing.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_03: On these ideas.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_03: We should do a swan.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_03: No, we should do a dove.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_03: No, we should do a swan made of doves.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_03: Babe, will you Google human centipede but for doves and see if we can sew them together ATM style?
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_03: Yes, I know what ATM is a senior porn.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_03: I love you anyway.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_03: I wanna fucking dum dum dumb.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_03: I'm getting married before my sister.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_03: I wanna show this to you and I what?
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_03: Yes, I'm wearing a diaper, I'm not getting up.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_03: I wanna show this.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_00: It's gonna be amazing, and I big, big, bit, big, fit, fit, fit, big, big, fig, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_00: Is it cold outside?
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_03: Girls get cold easily because we're not allowed to eat as much as we want in one sitting.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_03: Trying to get another girl to admit that she's hungry between two girls, it's like a standoff.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_03: You can't admit you're hungry, that's admitting weakness.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_03: It's admitting defeat.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_03: Are you hungry?
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_03: Me neither.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_03: So are you hungry?
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_03: Nope, I ate last week, so went on a date recently.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_03: Uh I made a real effort in my 30s.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_03: I'm 31, made a real effort to try to date normal guys.
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_03: Because when you're in your 20s, you can date whoever you want.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_03: Because you'll live forever and you're hot and you're in your 20s, right?
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_03: You're like, what, you want to go out?
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_03: We're both carbon-based, let's do it.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_03: And it's like, fine.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_03: Try to make some responsible choices in my 30s.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_03: Recently, I went out with someone based solely on the way he was dressed.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_03: He was an accountant.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_03: But okay.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_03: Okay, I'll carry the conversation.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_03: That's fine.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_03: He had a plaid shirt tucked into khakis.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_03: Alright.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_03: Little nerdling, that's okay.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_03: Cell phone and a holster on his hip.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_03: Dad style.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_03: To the dads in the audience and subsequently watching this, what text is coming in so fast you have to have your hand ready, okay, corral style.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_03: And then what are you sending out so fast that it's rendering your cellular device smoking?
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_03: And you've got to holster it.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_03: But the point is he was dressed responsibly.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_03: He was dressed non-threatening, dressed nice like an adult.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_03: And I knew I had to respond in kind.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_03: I couldn't dress like a 19-year-old lesbian hot topic manager.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_03: I get it.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_03: Made a real effort, folks.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_03: I'm gonna tell you right now, I made a real effort.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_03: I asked my girlfriends that are like in their mid-30s, they've been dating a while, they're very mature, right?
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_03: What should I wear?
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_03: You need to get like a silk blouse.
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_03: So just wear it and then just cover that up and just like tuck it in, blouse it out, silk blouse.
• 11:30
  SPEAKER_03: I'm here to say right now, I reject a silk blouse.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_03: F a silk blouse, okay?
• 11:34
  unknown: Yes.
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_03: Just because you're not 20 doesn't mean you have to be ashamed of your body.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_03: I don't need to wear a tent over it, okay?
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_03: They're burkas for American women.
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_03: I said it and I meant it.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_03: Alright?
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_03: They're oppressive, they're ugly, they're hot, they're shapeless, and if you wear an underwire bra under your silk blouse and you sweat through it, it's gonna make a face with its eyes closed.
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_03: F a silk blouse.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_03: But I bought one anyway, because like whatever.
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_03: Went to a nice store, made a real effort, I went to a Nordstrom.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_03: I asked the sales girl, she was like 19 and just like hot.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_03: And I was like, I need a silk blouse.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_03: She was like, what about this one?
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_03: It was white, it had black splotches all over it.
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_03: And she was like, it's abstract.
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_03: I was like, yeah, like a Rorschach test, but less interesting.
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_03: She was like, I don't get it.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_03: I'm like, that's because you work here.
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_03: No, it's like a fun pattern.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_03: I'm like, that's a cow print.
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_03: Like 100%.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_03: It's black splotches.
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_03: I'm gonna look like a model for gateway printers.
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_03: I'm not wearing that.
• 12:35
  SPEAKER_03: Because here's the fact with prints like that, it's a cow print.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_03: You can't wear it if you're a normal girl.
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_03: If you're a model, you can wear something stupid and look hot.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_03: If you're a model, you can wear a blousy cow print and be like, fk yeah, moo, mother few, yeah, uh, uh, right?
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_03: Not dicks, udders.
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_03: Normal girl wearing a cow pattern, if you tuck in a blousey cow, you're just gonna look like a cow that had gastric bypass surgery.
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_03: Just like blousey.
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_03: Tucked in blousy cow, so I got it.
• 13:10
  SPEAKER_03: Tucked in blousy cow, blouse it out.
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_03: And then I bought pants that were very tight.
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_03: You're going on a date, you want to wear tight pants.
• 13:16
  SPEAKER_03: The tighter the pant, the more effort it shows you've put into it, okay?
• 13:19
  SPEAKER_03: Not unlike Chinese foot binding.
• 13:21
  SPEAKER_03: You want your pants so tight that they form your muscles and bones into this kind of like palsy effect.
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_03: Okay?
• 13:28
  SPEAKER_03: And you want to have shoes that are so high, the heel is so high that you are literally cantilevered off the edge, and it forms a dainty hump in the back.
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_03: Men like this, trust me.
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_03: Men love a good hump, okay?
• 13:41
  SPEAKER_03: Like this.
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_03: So you're ready.
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_03: So you've got blousy cow, palsy pants, and you want your shoes to be so high that you can't run from your rapist if you want.
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_03: So super high.
• 13:48
  SPEAKER_03: Blousey cow, palsy pants, and I was ready for the date.
• 13:51
  SPEAKER_03: And we went on our date.
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_03: So already I brought a special bag.
• 13:55
  SPEAKER_03: There's a special bag that women are required to carry on a first date.
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_03: It's called a clutch.
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_03: Small mouse purse.
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_03: A clutch, for those of you that don't know, is neither a synonym for the word cool nor does it have to do with a car.
• 14:07
  SPEAKER_03: A clutch is a tiny purse that women carry on a first date.
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_03: And the reason we carry it is because we can't carry a big bag.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_03: Because men don't like big bags.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_03: First of all, it's not attractive.
• 14:17
  SPEAKER_03: You can't show up to a guy's house and say, hey, ready for our first date, Steve?
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_02: Well, I just brought my bag right here.
• 14:26
  SPEAKER_02: We don't gotta go to no fancy dinner or nothing.
• 14:28
  SPEAKER_02: Nope.
• 14:29
  SPEAKER_02: I brought me a hot plate.
• 14:31
  SPEAKER_02: We can just plug it in right here.
• 14:33
  SPEAKER_02: We can do it on the law unless you're ashamed of me.
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_02: You got an external power source, maybe a generator?
• 14:39
  SPEAKER_02: I'll call mine Jenny.
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_02: It's a little joke.
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_02: We can.
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_02: Do you want beans?
• 14:43
  SPEAKER_02: Do you like beans, Steve?
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_02: I brought beans.
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_02: I don't need a can opener.
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_03: I've got this shit.
• 14:49
  SPEAKER_03: So now I'm inside my house.
• 14:51
  SPEAKER_03: Now we've all had this happen where it was like 10:30.
• 14:53
  SPEAKER_03: So we've had this happen where you come home earlier on a weekend than you thought you would.
• 14:58
  SPEAKER_03: You're all planning to go out and you come home way earlier.
• 15:00
  SPEAKER_03: It's a very weird feeling.
• 15:01
  SPEAKER_03: Now, for guys, they want to go back out, right?
• 15:03
  SPEAKER_03: You want to get back out there, right?
• 15:05
  SPEAKER_03: Go team.
• 15:07
  SPEAKER_03: Get back out there because you want to get drunk and meet chicks.
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_03: For girls, it's a different motivation.
• 15:11
  SPEAKER_03: We want to go back out because I don't want to waste an outfit.
• 15:17
  SPEAKER_03: You try to contact your friends.
• 15:19
  SPEAKER_03: Here's the problem.
• 15:20
  SPEAKER_03: There's something energy-wise that makes it very difficult when you're sober to go back out and rejoin your drunk friends.
• 15:26
  SPEAKER_03: You ever try getting like a location from your drunk friends?
• 15:29
  SPEAKER_03: It's like it's like texting with a house cat.
• 15:34
  SPEAKER_03: And they send you the weirdest stuff.
• 15:36
  SPEAKER_03: Here's what happened.
• 15:37
  SPEAKER_03: They don't really care if they see you because they went out together.
• 15:40
  SPEAKER_03: You were selfish.
• 15:40
  SPEAKER_03: You went rogue.
• 15:42
  SPEAKER_03: You went off on a date.
• 15:44
  SPEAKER_03: Selfish, went to go find love.
• 15:45
  SPEAKER_03: Your friends formed like a little mini mob and they band together and they formed a phalanx and they were like, let's find dudes.
• 15:50
  SPEAKER_03: And they went out together.
• 15:53
  SPEAKER_03: You've had your fun, they don't care if they see you.
• 15:54
  SPEAKER_03: They send you back weird, seemingly innocuous texts like, We don't know the name of the bar.
• 15:59
  SPEAKER_03: We don't know how long we'll be here.
• 16:01
  SPEAKER_03: We're in outer space.
• 16:02
  SPEAKER_03: Come find us.
• 16:07
  SPEAKER_03: After like 20 minutes of trying, you kind of resign yourself to the fact that you're gonna be home, right?
• 16:12
  SPEAKER_03: So what's the first step in deciding you're gonna be home?
• 16:14
  SPEAKER_03: You take off your going out clothes.
• 16:16
  SPEAKER_03: I had a silk blouse on.
• 16:17
  SPEAKER_03: I didn't know how to care for it.
• 16:19
  SPEAKER_03: I didn't know what to feed it, I didn't know.
• 16:22
  SPEAKER_03: It's the fanciest material, it's like the caviar of the material family.
• 16:25
  SPEAKER_03: I didn't know.
• 16:26
  SPEAKER_03: I stood by open French windows for 10 minutes waiting for bluebirds to come and undress me.
• 16:36
  SPEAKER_03: Took it off, put on my at-home clothes.
• 16:38
  SPEAKER_03: What are at-home clothes?
• 16:38
  SPEAKER_03: Girls know what at-home clothes are.
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_03: Clothes you put on when no one else is around.
• 16:43
  SPEAKER_03: Super gross.
• 16:46
  SPEAKER_03: All the guys here are like, what?
• 16:47
  SPEAKER_03: I've been with my girl more by herself.
• 16:49
  SPEAKER_03: She's super cute.
• 16:50
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, no, we don't do that.
• 16:51
  SPEAKER_03: We don't wear rolled-down boxers and socks up to here because you're kind of a pedophile and pigtails and like a thing.
• 16:56
  SPEAKER_03: We don't do that when we're by ourselves.
• 17:00
  SPEAKER_03: What girls doing more by ourselves?
• 17:02
  SPEAKER_03: We dig deep into the trunk of like old t-shirt you pull out, your t-shirt from middle school.
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_03: Right?
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_03: It's got paint on it.
• 17:09
  SPEAKER_03: Got your Abercrombie varsity athletic pants from like 1997, stripes on them, you put those on, right?
• 17:15
  SPEAKER_03: Sweatshirts got holes in it, pants have holes in them, underwear has holes in it, socks have holes in them.
• 17:19
  SPEAKER_03: Why are there holes in your clothes?
• 17:21
  SPEAKER_03: Because tears corrode.
• 17:28
  SPEAKER_03: And you wander listlessly through your house.
• 17:31
  SPEAKER_03: You look homeless, but you're in at home, so that doesn't make sense.
• 17:34
  SPEAKER_03: You just kind of right?
• 17:35
  SPEAKER_03: You wander from room to room.
• 17:36
  SPEAKER_03: You have no agenda.
• 17:37
  SPEAKER_03: You're just kind of like not ready to go to bed yet.
• 17:40
  SPEAKER_03: You go to a room where the light's off, you flip it on.
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_03: Like 1% of you is expecting there to be like a serial killer.
• 17:46
  SPEAKER_03: Knowing full well if you f if he's there, you're done for because you're not, you're in your at home clothes.
• 17:51
  SPEAKER_03: Nothing's can't defend yourself.
• 17:53
  SPEAKER_03: Put it back off, you wander into the kitchen.
• 17:56
  SPEAKER_03: Not really hungry.
• 17:57
  SPEAKER_03: You don't really make a meal for yourself, do you?
• 17:58
  SPEAKER_03: You just kind of like stick your hand deep in a bag of deli turkey.
• 18:01
  SPEAKER_03: Just right?
• 18:05
  SPEAKER_03: Couple crackers, maybe like two star bursts for dessert.
• 18:10
  SPEAKER_03: Staring at nothing.
• 18:11
  SPEAKER_03: Maybe you have a show in the background on, maybe Fraser's on, hypothetically, me every night.
• 18:15
  SPEAKER_03: I don't know.
• 18:15
  SPEAKER_03: I'm just watching.
• 18:18
  SPEAKER_03: Sitting there eating it.
• 18:20
  SPEAKER_03: You start saying weird things to your dog, like one day you will be my wife.
• 18:25
  SPEAKER_03: I'm sitting there doing this.
• 18:27
  SPEAKER_03: Phone buzzes.
• 18:29
  SPEAKER_03: It's a text message.
• 18:30
  SPEAKER_03: Who's it from?
• 18:31
  SPEAKER_03: The accountant.
• 18:33
  SPEAKER_03: What does it say?
• 18:34
  SPEAKER_03: Is he gonna ask me out again?
• 18:35
  SPEAKER_03: Does he like me?
• 18:35
  SPEAKER_03: What's it gonna say?
• 18:36
  SPEAKER_03: Hey Eliza, had a great time tonight.
• 18:38
  SPEAKER_02: Would love to have kissed you, but I have to be up early.
• 18:46
  SPEAKER_03: I don't even know how to answer that like a human.
• 18:49
  SPEAKER_03: You sent me a text that is untext backable.
• 18:52
  SPEAKER_03: It's first of all, what do you mean you have to get- Who are you making out with Wolverines that your legs are just immobile the next day?
• 18:58
  SPEAKER_03: You send me something that stupid, I'm not giving you the dignity of a normal text back.
• 19:03
  SPEAKER_03: You're not even getting a regular.
• 19:07
  SPEAKER_03: You're not even getting back a regular emoji.
• 19:10
  SPEAKER_03: There's no winky face, there's no sad face.
• 19:12
  SPEAKER_03: I'm going deep into that emoji bang.
• 19:14
  SPEAKER_03: And I am pulling out fried shrimp.
• 19:21
  SPEAKER_03: Girls are weird.
• 19:23
  SPEAKER_03: We do weird things, but we're cute, so it's okay.
• 19:27
  SPEAKER_03: Girls do crazy things.
• 19:29
  SPEAKER_03: It's our own brand of crazy.
• 19:30
  SPEAKER_03: Guys do crazy things too, like rape and war.
• 19:32
  SPEAKER_03: They do their own kind of crazy things.
• 19:34
  SPEAKER_03: Girls have a more insidious kind of crazy.
• 19:36
  SPEAKER_03: Sometimes we'll start a fight with you just to see if we can make it look like you started the fight.
• 19:42
  SPEAKER_03: We have to do it three times a year, or we lose our standing in the club.
• 19:45
  SPEAKER_03: Every girl's done that.
• 19:47
  SPEAKER_03: Just to see how strong your powers are.
• 19:49
  SPEAKER_03: I don't want to fight with you.
• 19:51
  SPEAKER_03: Stop it.
• 19:53
  SPEAKER_03: I don't want to fight with you.
• 19:54
  SPEAKER_03: I didn't start this.
• 19:55
  SPEAKER_03: You started this.
• 19:55
  SPEAKER_03: You started acting weird.
• 19:57
  SPEAKER_03: I don't want to fight with you.
• 19:59
  SPEAKER_03: I don't want to fight with you.
• 20:01
  SPEAKER_03: We'll turn around, we'll talk to a fake jury.
• 20:03
  SPEAKER_03: I don't, what is this?
• 20:06
  SPEAKER_03: I don't want to fight with you.
• 20:08
  SPEAKER_03: This is on you, okay?
• 20:09
  SPEAKER_03: I'm peaceful.
• 20:10
  SPEAKER_03: You're being a d.
• 20:11
  SPEAKER_03: I don't even you're being stop it.
• 20:12
  SPEAKER_03: Stop it.
• 20:13
  SPEAKER_03: What are you doing?
• 20:13
  SPEAKER_03: You're like yelling, stop it.
• 20:15
  SPEAKER_03: I don't want to fight with you.
• 20:16
  SPEAKER_03: But in your girl head, you're like, Oh!
• 20:23
  SPEAKER_02: I wanna I wanna fight with you.
• 20:31
  SPEAKER_02: I woke up feeling chubby this morning.
• 20:35
  SPEAKER_02: And that is somehow your fault.
• 20:39
  SPEAKER_02: Get in the octagon.
• 20:44
  SPEAKER_03: We do all kinds of head games.
• 20:46
  SPEAKER_03: Go hang out with your friend.
• 20:47
  SPEAKER_03: That's fine.
• 20:50
  SPEAKER_03: Do it.
• 20:51
  SPEAKER_03: Go hang out with your friends.
• 20:52
  SPEAKER_03: I dare you.
• 20:56
  SPEAKER_03: I know you made plans with me, that's fine.
• 20:58
  SPEAKER_03: Go, go hang out with your friends.
• 20:59
  SPEAKER_03: No, that's fine.
• 20:59
  SPEAKER_03: I want you to be happy.
• 21:02
  SPEAKER_03: Do it.
• 21:03
  SPEAKER_03: Go hang out with your friend.
• 21:04
  SPEAKER_02: There are no friends.
• 21:07
  SPEAKER_02: Only Zool.
• 21:16
  SPEAKER_03: Look, I'm sure being a guy has its difficulties.
• 21:19
  SPEAKER_03: I haven't been one in a while, so I don't really know what that's like.
• 21:22
  SPEAKER_03: But girls have a lot of stuff that are being thrown at them all the time.
• 21:26
  SPEAKER_03: And we have to suss out what's good for us and weed out the positive messages.
• 21:30
  SPEAKER_03: I truly believe our society operates on a currency of women's insecurities.
• 21:34
  SPEAKER_03: Multi-billion dollar industries thriving on, like, just make them feel like their bodies are unacceptable and then like sell them some.
• 21:40
  SPEAKER_03: Look at any magazine.
• 21:41
  SPEAKER_03: Like, you're amazing, but you need to lose like 10 pounds.
• 21:44
  SPEAKER_03: Love your body, love your hair.
• 21:46
  SPEAKER_03: Whatever you've done is wrong.
• 21:46
  SPEAKER_03: You look like a sea monster.
• 21:49
  SPEAKER_03: Everything's got like a weird mixed message and a weird, like, whary undertone.
• 21:53
  SPEAKER_03: Like, be a bad girl, own your sexuality.
• 21:54
  SPEAKER_03: But if you f more than one dude, you're a whore.
• 21:57
  SPEAKER_03: Like, everything's wrong.
• 21:59
  SPEAKER_03: Now you can't.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_03: Just go around like effing dudes, but you can have sex with more than one, and that's okay.
• 22:03
  SPEAKER_03: Even my eyeliner has a sexual message just called bad gal.
• 22:07
  SPEAKER_03: Fourteen-year-olds can buy this.
• 22:09
  SPEAKER_03: Are they bad gals?
• 22:10
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, tiny bad gals.
• 22:12
  SPEAKER_03: It comes with a little devil that sits on your shoulder, and as you're putting it on, it whispers salacious things in your ear, like, oh, I better get ready for the You're a bad gal.
• 22:23
  SPEAKER_03: Close that window, yeah.
• 22:24
  SPEAKER_02: I'm gonna get re Yeah, you want a fing a dumpster.
• 22:27
  SPEAKER_03: What are you talking about?
• 22:32
  SPEAKER_03: Doesn't sound like a bad gal as much as someone that just needs a home.
• 22:34
  SPEAKER_03: I don't a bad gal.
• 22:37
  SPEAKER_03: I'm just trying to put on eyeliner so I don't look like newborn hamster face.
• 22:40
  SPEAKER_03: I'm just trying to.
• 22:41
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, no, you're a bad gal.
• 22:43
  SPEAKER_02: I'm not a bad gal.
• 22:44
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, you are.
• 22:44
  SPEAKER_02: You want to give a hand job and an accura going 50 and a 30.
• 22:48
  SPEAKER_02: No insurance.
• 22:49
  SPEAKER_02: You're a bad gal.
• 22:50
  SPEAKER_03: Talking about I have insurance.
• 22:58
  SPEAKER_03: What's my blush called, flirty girl?
• 23:00
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, tart it up, you hooker.
• 23:03
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 23:04
  SPEAKER_02: Look super horny, ready to go.
• 23:06
  SPEAKER_02: You're a flirty girl.
• 23:08
  SPEAKER_03: Dressed like that you were asking for it.
• 23:10
  SPEAKER_03: Dressed like what?
• 23:10
  SPEAKER_03: Like a cool mom out on like mom's night out?
• 23:12
  SPEAKER_03: Like dressed like what?
• 23:14
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, you want a fing a dumpster.
• 23:16
  SPEAKER_03: What's with you on f ⁇ ing with dumpsters?
• 23:18
  SPEAKER_02: I want a f and a dumpster.
• 23:19
  SPEAKER_03: Well, you're projecting! Again, my issue with it isn't that there's a sexual undertone.
• 23:26
  SPEAKER_03: My issue with it is that it's a negative message to women, but guys reap a positive effect, right?
• 23:30
  SPEAKER_03: Guys like, oh, she's a bad girl.
• 23:31
  SPEAKER_03: Maybe she'll touch my D.
• 23:32
  SPEAKER_03: That's pretty much the message coming out of that.
• 23:34
  SPEAKER_02: Bad girl.
• 23:35
  SPEAKER_02: Maybe she'll wear spiked leather gloves, yeah, on a motorcycle.
• 23:39
  SPEAKER_03: She's probably a lesbian.
• 23:40
  SPEAKER_03: She's on a motorcycle.
• 23:41
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 23:42
  SPEAKER_03: Bad gal.
• 23:44
  SPEAKER_03: There's no men's products.
• 23:45
  SPEAKER_03: There are no men's products that have like a negative message to men, but women reap a positive effect.
• 23:50
  SPEAKER_03: There's no guy putting on cologne, and as he's doing it, he's hearing, you're gonna text her back within a reasonable time frame.
• 24:00
  SPEAKER_03: A lot of my friends are getting married, and I'm happy for them.
• 24:03
  SPEAKER_03: I think that I'm just in a different headspace at the moment.
• 24:06
  SPEAKER_03: Uh they all get really excited to plan their weddings, and I get really excited to plan a breakup.
• 24:14
  SPEAKER_03: Guys, hear me out on this.
• 24:16
  SPEAKER_03: Girls do weird things, and from the day we start dating you, we keep calves on everything you do wrong.
• 24:23
  SPEAKER_03: So that if and when we decide to break up with you, because I don't know, the wind changes direction.
• 24:30
  SPEAKER_03: We can then refer to said list, extrapolate one isolated incident, and use that as the piece day resistance of our breakup masterpiece.
• 24:38
  SPEAKER_03: You don't believe me?
• 24:39
  SPEAKER_03: You ever been dating a girl?
• 24:40
  SPEAKER_03: Everything's going gray, you know, things are mediocre, okay, not gray, but whatever, things are fine, and she breaks up with you out of the blue, like, you breaking up with me?
• 24:46
  SPEAKER_03: Yes, your feet look like eagle claws.
• 24:48
  SPEAKER_03: There I said it, cacaw.
• 24:51
  SPEAKER_03: Like caca, goodbye.
• 24:54
  SPEAKER_03: It seems like it's out of nowhere.
• 24:56
  SPEAKER_03: We let things build, and it could be like a hairpin trigger.
• 24:58
  SPEAKER_03: You could be sitting at your anniversary dinner, I'm thinking about getting salmon.
• 25:01
  SPEAKER_03: I'm done! Like it doesn't really matter.
• 25:04
  SPEAKER_03: Just so you know, I'm not cavalier about this.
• 25:06
  SPEAKER_03: I put time and effort into these breakups.
• 25:08
  SPEAKER_03: You put time and effort into dating me, I'm going to return said time and effort plus interest, it's a very good ROI, on that breakup, okay?
• 25:15
  SPEAKER_03: These are handcrafted breakups.
• 25:18
  SPEAKER_03: Hand-hewn etcho in California, tailor-made, forged from the fires of your own insecurities, specialty breakups, okay?
• 25:27
  SPEAKER_03: I don't do a generic breakup.
• 25:29
  SPEAKER_03: I don't do a breakup template.
• 25:31
  SPEAKER_03: I don't do the whole, oh my god, it's me, not you.
• 25:34
  SPEAKER_03: No, it's you, mother.
• 25:36
  SPEAKER_03: Here's a list of reasons why.
• 25:43
  SPEAKER_03: I was dating a guy, we dated for three months, and we were on our first date, right?
• 25:48
  SPEAKER_03: So it's a first date.
• 25:48
  SPEAKER_03: So we're doing first date stuff, right?
• 25:50
  SPEAKER_03: We're at a bar, we're drinking, talking, taking muscle relaxers.
• 25:52
  SPEAKER_03: It's like a first date.
• 25:53
  SPEAKER_03: And I was asking him first date questions, like, what do you do?
• 25:57
  SPEAKER_03: Where are you from?
• 25:58
  SPEAKER_03: What do you max out at?
• 25:59
  SPEAKER_03: Like just stuff you want to know.
• 26:02
  SPEAKER_03: I was like, oh, what's your middle name?
• 26:04
  SPEAKER_03: Just ask him questions.
• 26:05
  SPEAKER_03: What's your middle name?
• 26:06
  SPEAKER_03: He goes, My middle name is Paul.
• 26:10
  SPEAKER_03: Reciprocity in like a normal conversation would dictate that.
• 26:14
  SPEAKER_03: Perhaps his next question to me should have been what I've done.
• 26:21
  SPEAKER_03: That's right.
• 26:22
  SPEAKER_03: What's your middle name?
• 26:24
  SPEAKER_03: But he never asked me my middle name.
• 26:26
  SPEAKER_02: And I remember that.
• 26:32
  SPEAKER_03: Because here's the deal.
• 26:34
  SPEAKER_03: He wasn't necessarily wrong on not asking me that.
• 26:36
  SPEAKER_03: Men and women communicate so differently.
• 26:38
  SPEAKER_03: I'm surprised we can be in the same room without ripping each other's genitals off, quite frankly.
• 26:42
  SPEAKER_03: If you went back and you said to him, why didn't you ask her her middle name?
• 26:45
  SPEAKER_03: He'd be like, What?
• 26:46
  SPEAKER_03: At the time she had long hair, I thought she was a mermaid.
• 26:48
  SPEAKER_03: Like, not even in the same stratosphere.
• 26:53
  SPEAKER_03: And what's crazy is every guy in this room is like, yeah, right on mermaid hair.
• 26:56
  SPEAKER_03: I get it.
• 26:59
  SPEAKER_03: And where I went wrong, where girls tend to go wrong, is I didn't tell him why I was mad.
• 27:04
  SPEAKER_03: We don't tell you why we're mad, because you should know.
• 27:07
  SPEAKER_03: Which is insane.
• 27:10
  SPEAKER_03: We barely know why we're mad.
• 27:11
  SPEAKER_03: I don't know, but something happened and now I'm mad.
• 27:14
  SPEAKER_03: I don't know why I'm mad, but you should know.
• 27:16
  SPEAKER_03: The secrets are locked in my brain.
• 27:20
  SPEAKER_03: Did you eat a key?
• 27:22
  SPEAKER_03: I did.
• 27:23
  SPEAKER_03: That and the plate and the leaves from earlier.
• 27:25
  SPEAKER_03: I feel fat.
• 27:28
  SPEAKER_03: We just sit there, stoic, with this like Stepford-wise facade, and we let it rot our brains, and we sit there smiling, but it devolves.
• 27:35
  SPEAKER_03: We're just like, he didn't ask my middle name, and neither doesn't want to get to know me, my hosts, my thoughts, my dreams, my feelings, my friends, my family will never have a baby.
• 27:40
  SPEAKER_03: Like that's the way that devolves.
• 27:47
  SPEAKER_03: So I began planning the breakup.
• 27:50
  SPEAKER_03: On the first date.
• 27:52
  SPEAKER_03: We did it for about three months, and at the conclusion of three months, I decided that I wanted to do a rain breakup.
• 27:58
  SPEAKER_03: Felt the rain would be emblematic of the tearshed during the courtship.
• 28:02
  SPEAKER_03: A lot of poetry in that.
• 28:03
  SPEAKER_03: Rain breakup, want to break up in the rain.
• 28:06
  SPEAKER_03: Oh my god, uh-uh.
• 28:07
  SPEAKER_03: Rain, right?
• 28:09
  SPEAKER_03: So all different kinds of rain breaks up.
• 28:10
  SPEAKER_03: You can do one in an alley crying, you could do one, you could be a young British country girl in the 1800s running through a field.
• 28:16
  SPEAKER_03: No! I can't, I can't be.
• 28:19
  SPEAKER_03: You're in a white dress, no shoes.
• 28:20
  SPEAKER_03: Women actually weren't allowed to wear shoes until 1962.
• 28:22
  SPEAKER_03: Fun fact.
• 28:23
  SPEAKER_03: No! I can't be with you! I've been betrothed to another Jeremiah.
• 28:27
  SPEAKER_03: Why I love you so much.
• 28:29
  SPEAKER_03: No! Running in the rain, and it's cascading.
• 28:31
  SPEAKER_03: I've got long hair.
• 28:32
  SPEAKER_03: They didn't have scissors back then either.
• 28:33
  SPEAKER_03: Just long hair.
• 28:34
  SPEAKER_03: All over I'd wrap it around like a belt.
• 28:36
  SPEAKER_03: It's weird.
• 28:36
  SPEAKER_03: And I'd be running and they'd cascade over it white so it was just see-through.
• 28:40
  SPEAKER_03: You wouldn't see Ariola, but you'd see nipple bumpage, right?
• 28:42
  SPEAKER_03: Like, like Rachel, friends, circa 1997, network nipple, right?
• 28:47
  SPEAKER_03: Running.
• 28:49
  SPEAKER_03: Doing it.
• 28:49
  SPEAKER_03: No bra, running hard, no bra.
• 28:51
  SPEAKER_03: Because in your fantasy, your tits are like rocks.
• 28:53
  SPEAKER_03: Just running.
• 28:55
  SPEAKER_03: It's a big event.
• 28:56
  SPEAKER_03: I have to c come on, let's go.
• 28:57
  SPEAKER_03: Every girl, let's go, you girls.
• 28:58
  SPEAKER_03: Come on.
• 28:58
  SPEAKER_03: I have to c come on.
• 28:59
  SPEAKER_03: Take my hand.
• 29:00
  SPEAKER_03: Let's make a chain of whores.
• 29:01
  SPEAKER_03: Everyone holds hands.
• 29:03
  SPEAKER_03: As they walk through the bathroom.
• 29:05
  SPEAKER_03: For me, when I'm walking through a crowded bar, the amount of aggression I will display toward the other bar patrons is in direct correlation with how many boys I've gotten to flirt with.
• 29:15
  SPEAKER_03: Meaning, if I haven't gotten to talk to any cute guys, mama's gonna be a little aggressive in her walk to the bathroom.
• 29:21
  SPEAKER_03: Okay?
• 29:22
  SPEAKER_03: Guys, when they get drunk, sometimes punch walls.
• 29:24
  SPEAKER_03: I like to mule kick other girls in the shin.
• 29:25
  SPEAKER_03: It's totally fine.
• 29:27
  SPEAKER_03: Every girl's done this, and you know why we do it, because we can get away with it.
• 29:30
  SPEAKER_03: You can knock into a girl and then be like, oof, I didn't mean.
• 29:35
  SPEAKER_03: Our smile is our Jedi mind trick.
• 29:37
  SPEAKER_03: Just pfft.
• 29:37
  SPEAKER_03: These are not the droids you're looking for.
• 29:41
  SPEAKER_03: You ever do that?
• 29:42
  SPEAKER_03: You ever just check a girl into the boards because you can?
• 29:44
  SPEAKER_03: You ever just been walking and just been like, pfft, I love your shoes.
• 29:46
  SPEAKER_03: Eep.
• 29:50
  SPEAKER_03: Takes you forever, but you finally get through that jungle of people.
• 29:53
  SPEAKER_03: You get to the bathroom.
• 29:54
  SPEAKER_03: For those of you that haven't been in a women's restroom late night, a women's restroom late night looks like a scene out of apocalypse now.
• 30:04
  SPEAKER_03: There's gunfire, explosions, blood everywhere, children, a lot of Vietnamese men, which I never quite understood like why they'd be there.
• 30:13
  SPEAKER_03: You're with your buddies just trying to get through everything.
• 30:15
  SPEAKER_03: You go pee, you get to the sink, and then your night comes to a screeching halt.
• 30:20
  SPEAKER_03: Because for the first time in like four hours, you get a look at yourself in the mirror.
• 30:31
  SPEAKER_03: And you see the swamp witch that you've become.
• 30:38
  SPEAKER_03: Ten minutes ago, you thought you looked like Heidi Klume.
• 30:41
  SPEAKER_03: Turns out you look like Steel.
• 30:51
  SPEAKER_03: It hits you like a ton of bricks out of nowhere, and you don't know it's coming.
• 30:54
  SPEAKER_03: You're sitting there talking to your friends, you're like, this is awesome! I'm gonna be young forever.
• 30:58
  SPEAKER_03: This is gonna be what?
• 31:04
  SPEAKER_03: What is I was once a great beauty?
• 31:09
  SPEAKER_02: No.
• 31:11
  SPEAKER_03: What is this?
• 31:12
  SPEAKER_03: What is you go to touch it, it disappears.
• 31:15
  SPEAKER_03: You're like, is it a hologram?
• 31:17
  SPEAKER_03: What is it?
• 31:18
  SPEAKER_03: Weird.
• 31:19
  SPEAKER_03: One eyeball has migrated here.
• 31:23
  SPEAKER_03: You look down, you're just leaking vodka.
• 31:27
  SPEAKER_03: Now you don't want to hook up with anyone.
• 31:29
  SPEAKER_03: Now all you want to do is eat.
• 31:34
  SPEAKER_03: A red-blooded American girl.
• 31:36
  SPEAKER_03: Absolutely, when I get drunk, I would rather eat than hook up with you.
• 31:40
  SPEAKER_03: I'm sorry.
• 31:42
  SPEAKER_03: Give you a hand job or go get fries?
• 31:55
  SPEAKER_03: Both are salty.
• 31:56
  SPEAKER_03: One will give me carpal tunnel.
• 31:57
  SPEAKER_03: I'll go with the fries.
• 31:59
  SPEAKER_03: Every time.
• 32:03
  SPEAKER_03: Popular misconception about girls is that we don't like to eat.
• 32:06
  SPEAKER_03: Girls love to eat.
• 32:07
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 32:08
  SPEAKER_03: We just don't like to eat in front of a guy that we like.
• 32:11
  SPEAKER_03: That's the difference.
• 32:12
  SPEAKER_03: When you first meet a guy that you like, you can't eat the way you want to on a date.
• 32:16
  SPEAKER_03: You can't.
• 32:16
  SPEAKER_03: You can't have that fourth plate of ribs on a date.
• 32:20
  SPEAKER_03: Am I gonna have any job besides this?
• 32:22
  SPEAKER_03: I know this sounds weird, but um I would be a pharmacist.
• 32:26
  SPEAKER_03: Because I would be like I would add something cool to it.
• 32:30
  SPEAKER_03: I would be like a different kind of pharmacist, okay?
• 32:32
  SPEAKER_03: So I would do it differently, okay?
• 32:34
  SPEAKER_03: So so I would look like a pharmacist.
• 32:36
  SPEAKER_03: I would wear the white coat, because without the white coat, you're just a drug dealer.
• 32:42
  SPEAKER_03: I wear the white coat, but under it, I would go to like a Renaissance fair.
• 32:46
  SPEAKER_03: We have Renaissance fairs here?
• 32:48
  SPEAKER_03: Yes! Of course we do.
• 32:49
  SPEAKER_03: Every state's got white trash, of course we do.
• 32:50
  SPEAKER_03: So I'd go to Renaissance Fair.
• 32:53
  SPEAKER_03: And I would go to like the witch doctor's tent, and I would get one of those like medieval witch woman belts that has like some leather and it's got bells and raccoon pelts and a jug for your ale, whatever, and they would have like a jar of pigeon whispers.
• 33:07
  SPEAKER_03: I'd have all these things, all the accoutrement of a creepy witch on my belt, and I put it under the coat so that when I walked, the coat would flare open and you'd get glimpses of my medieval trickery under it.
• 33:17
  SPEAKER_03: Just and you'd be in line at the pharmacy and you'd be like, what's up with that one pharmacist?
• 33:23
  SPEAKER_03: Is she into the dark arts?
• 33:24
  SPEAKER_03: Is she a sorceress?
• 33:25
  SPEAKER_03: Magic with a K?
• 33:26
  SPEAKER_03: Does she play Skyrim alone?
• 33:28
  SPEAKER_03: What is that?
• 33:31
  SPEAKER_03: And I wouldn't come up to the counter.
• 33:33
  SPEAKER_03: Instead, instead of a bell that you ring, I would get I would get a raven.
• 33:36
  SPEAKER_03: I would stuff a raven.
• 33:39
  SPEAKER_03: And I would give it a beard.
• 33:40
  SPEAKER_03: I'd glue on the beard.
• 33:41
  SPEAKER_03: I would spend my time gluing the beard on and have the beard, and I would sit on the perch.
• 33:45
  SPEAKER_03: So when you came up to the counter, you'd have to pull the beard, and then the raven will go, ah.
• 33:51
  SPEAKER_03: Secretly, I was waiting under the counter to hear the raven, and then yes, yes.
• 33:57
  SPEAKER_03: And you'd hand me your prescription, and I'd say, Okay, one moment.
• 34:01
  SPEAKER_03: And I'd have a hump.
• 34:02
  SPEAKER_03: Oh yeah, I have a hump.
• 34:05
  SPEAKER_03: I'm downstairs in the basement studying alchemy and and witchery, and I'm learning how to turn newt thoughts into rat eyeballs.
• 34:13
  SPEAKER_03: And then and I'd say, take your take your prescription, and one moment.
• 34:20
  SPEAKER_03: I have a limp, too.
• 34:23
  SPEAKER_03: Because the limp comes with the hump.
• 34:25
  SPEAKER_03: Standard.
• 34:26
  SPEAKER_03: And I would have my back to you, and I'd I'd have all these sound effects on like a keyboard ready.
• 34:30
  SPEAKER_03: So you'd be standing there and you'd hear like, and at one moment, and like an hour later, I'd emerge with your medicine, and I'd set it down, and I'd say, Would you like a consultation?
• 34:49
  SPEAKER_03: And you'd say, sure, and I'd say, okay.
• 34:51
  SPEAKER_03: And I'd hold up your pill to the light.
• 34:53
  SPEAKER_03: Shouldn't touch your medicine, but I'm going to it hold it up.
• 34:55
  SPEAKER_03: And I'd say, take one! One! One! And I'd have all the other farmers flip the lights on and off to make it.
• 35:03
  SPEAKER_00: Take one of the seventh solstice of the third vernal equinox!
• 35:08
  SPEAKER_03: I'd give it to you, and as you were going to leave, you didn't say anything.
• 35:11
  SPEAKER_03: I'd say, Wait! I'd grab you.
• 35:14
  SPEAKER_03: Someone grabs you out of a grave.
• 35:15
  SPEAKER_03: What does it look like?
• 35:16
  SPEAKER_03: It's sinewy, it's got dirty nails, you get a bracelet made of like whore gypsy Kardashian hair, you wrap your hand in it.
• 35:25
  SPEAKER_03: Just as you're I'd pull out my grabbing hand, I have it sheathed.
• 35:28
  SPEAKER_03: It's sheathed in a sheath.
• 35:30
  SPEAKER_03: And uh just as you were leaving, I'd go, What?
• 35:35
  SPEAKER_03: You'd be like, what?
• 35:36
  SPEAKER_03: And I'd say, There's one more thing.
• 35:39
  SPEAKER_03: And I'd pull out a hand of magic dust, which is just sand from the beach aisle in the pharmacy.
• 35:45
  SPEAKER_03: I pull I'd pull out a hand of dust and I would just go.
• 35:53
  SPEAKER_03: Do you have a CVS card?