Latest / SHULCHAN ARUCH YOMI: Own the Halacha in 25 minutes a day! / Yoreh De’ah 240:10-15. Honoring Parents: Dementia, Correcting, Torah, Father Vs Mother, Vs Violating a Mitzvah

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Yoreh De’ah 240:10-15. Honoring Parents: Dementia, Correcting, Torah, Father Vs Mother, Vs Violating a Mitzvah · SHULCHAN ARUCH YOMI: Own the Halacha in 25 minutes a day!

• 0:00
  Let's begin here. Good morning with Reshmaam Saif
• 0:04
  Yud we discussed. I just want to mention again
• 0:07
  with keyboard of aim, it's really important that yes,
• 0:11
  spending time, energy and money are all important QM of keyboard
• 0:16
  of aim, right? Sometimes me Cardin there's it's
• 0:21
  only so much, but that is the OK.
• 0:25
  Now if one just about we mention at the end about mention Hareni
• 0:30
  Kaparas Miskovo and Zirconia Ibraha.
• 0:33
  If a person mentions the word parents and one is alive and one
• 0:38
  is dead. So there's no real way unless
• 0:40
  you break it up to say to to say that.
• 0:43
  So one can't say it unless they mention if they break it up.
• 0:47
  And regarding travelling to visit one parents, if someone
• 0:51
  brought up so must the child pay or the parent pay.
• 0:56
  So Miika Reddin, generally speaking, a child should or must
• 1:02
  go to visit their parents. But technically speaking, the
• 1:06
  obligation of spending the travel money is on the parents.
• 1:10
  But as we learned that Tawo Ma era that at least on some level,
• 1:17
  there's a curse for one who refuses to spend any money on
• 1:21
  his. I mean, the kind in the mitzvah,
• 1:23
  but sorry, exactly. And all the situations and the
• 1:28
  protein and, you know, family dynamics and what, how much
• 1:32
  money each one has. OK, an interesting question
• 1:37
  about, I'm trying to think if it's coming up or not, but I'll
• 1:41
  just mention here because I'm not sure if we're gonna see it.
• 1:45
  If a parent enters, the child enters the room.
• 1:50
  Sorry, child is on the bus. That's the case.
• 1:53
  Child is on a bus, must aid and the parent walks in.
• 1:58
  Does someone have to stand up? So yes, the post can point out
• 2:02
  that one, the child must stand up all the way in the bus, and
• 2:05
  if that's the only seat, of course he has to give that seat
• 2:08
  to his parent. What about sitting?
• 2:12
  If a If a child is sitting in a virus and a parent walks in,
• 2:17
  what's the halacha? So the parent, right, because
• 2:21
  one could be child sitting for another parent or a sibling or
• 2:24
  whatever it is. So then the Allaha is the child
• 2:28
  does not need to get up one who is sitting Shiva.
• 2:31
  We're going to get to that more really in Hilfa Savalas.
• 2:34
  A child or anyone who's sitting Shiva doesn't get up for does
• 2:39
  not does not need to get up at all for a Rebbe, for a nasi for
• 2:45
  a parent, just showing a little bit of like a gesture of getting
• 2:50
  up is considered better. And what's the that's pretty
• 2:54
  much across the board. According to all the postgame,
• 2:59
  he should not get up now. Why not?
• 3:02
  So either there's a few reasons given the it's, it's basically
• 3:07
  it's it's it's a gumarin Marshala from the Gumarin
• 3:10
  Kedushian Lamond base and then also in Noi Katanko Zain Amond
• 3:15
  base. And so the reasons are Kumar
• 3:18
  doesn't give the reasons, but the reasons that are given it's
• 3:21
  either not considered a keema Shaoh either right now the guys
• 3:26
  in a veilis. And it's not really a time of a
• 3:29
  place of honoring. And therefore, just like in a
• 3:32
  bathroom, it's also Keema as there's no there's no mitzvah
• 3:36
  of, of getting up. But another one is Cherudim.
• 3:40
  He's very busy, his mind is very preoccupied and therefore it's
• 3:45
  not the time to get up. What about another reason is
• 3:49
  given Because perhaps they they're Mocho.
• 3:53
  And that's the assumption. Finally, the the Araka Chauhan
• 3:58
  has, I believe, more of a novel interpretation.
• 4:01
  It fits well with the Gwan Mohit Katan, but he writes because we
• 4:05
  don't want by mistake that parent or the the nasi to to say
• 4:14
  shivu. The luck has also not only by
• 4:16
  the velas. If someone is sick, so in a cola
• 4:21
  also doesn't doesn't get up because we're afraid if you
• 4:25
  start to get up, then the person who walks in is going to say no,
• 4:28
  no, no, don't trouble yourself. Shivu or shev stay where you
• 4:31
  are, remain where you are and that we do not want to say
• 4:36
  because it's Masha when we want them to stay in that place in a
• 4:39
  veilous or sick or whatever it is.
• 4:42
  So that's his explanation why the halafa is that one does not
• 4:46
  get up, but just showing a little gesture that many say is
• 4:50
  better are ideal. OK, let's continue inside.
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  Yur Misha nitrafa dot avivoimo mishta del inhog imam kifi dotam
• 5:01
  aji rukham alayhim. So let's say a parent has he's
• 5:10
  he's sick or his his mind is not all with him, maybe a little
• 5:14
  senile dementia, Alzheimer's, whatever it is.
• 5:18
  So a a child still must be careful in doing and, and as
• 5:25
  much as possible. And hopefully his mind will come
• 5:29
  back to him. The EF Shalola Ahmednation
• 5:32
  Ishtanu Bioter But let's say it's too difficult for the son
• 5:37
  or the child to be there because the parent is, let's say,
• 5:43
  becomes too demanding. And whenever he sees this child,
• 5:47
  he starts asking for impossible, impossible things.
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  Or he seems to be very he doesn't recognize them and he
• 5:54
  gets all angry when they come in the room.
• 5:56
  And sometimes it becomes too difficult.
• 6:00
  So if a child cannot go visit his parents, yeh le clov venicum
• 6:04
  be at Seville Aquarium in Hagam Karaoi.
• 6:07
  So then under certain circumstances, sometimes it's
• 6:10
  better for the child not to visit or not to visit so much
• 6:14
  and better to have someone else to care for his parents.
• 6:19
  OK, You're Olive re Aviv or Aviv Shavaral de Retar.
• 6:24
  If a person, a child sees his parents being over mitzvah in
• 6:29
  the Tara Loyola, you shouldn't say this.
• 6:32
  Loyola shouldn't say avarta al de Rey Tara.
• 6:35
  You were over the mitzvah in the Tara Aliyomarlo ABBA.
• 6:42
  You should say ABBA in the Tara. It says this here or in the
• 6:46
  Shah, doesn't it say this? Even better, you should say it
• 6:52
  as in a question mark, doesn't it say very good, the Lokim as
• 6:58
  hero, but not like he's attacking his father saying
• 7:01
  ABBA. Look, it says here, what are you
• 7:03
  doing Vluyavi in Mahatsmo Viloy de byesh.
• 7:07
  So if you ask it, if you say it in a question mark, which is the
• 7:10
  best way to say it and and you know, you just point it out, you
• 7:15
  know, you know, check here or doesn't it say that's there?
• 7:19
  And so he doesn't get embarrassed.
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  And again, depending on the setting, perhaps one should wait
• 7:24
  till there's no one in the room. Depends on the OK.
• 7:29
  But if he says he quotes something wrong, you shouldn't
• 7:36
  just say, you know, it doesn't say it like that.
• 7:38
  You have to you have to say it more in a question mark in a
• 7:43
  more soft spoken manner. OK, I think that's Let's go to
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  your bed. Amaralo Aviv.
• 7:51
  Amaralo Aviv. The father says to he says his
• 7:55
  father says to him, to the child.
• 7:57
  Hashkein, you mine, please bring me some water.
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  But there's another mitzvah to do at the same time.
• 8:05
  OK, go on canvoratnet Alavaya to bury somebody to escort them.
• 8:11
  Alavaya. That's it.
• 8:13
  Mitzvah. Yeah.
• 8:17
  So the, if it's a mitzvah that could be done by others, so then
• 8:21
  first take care of your, your parents, the EE mitzvah,
• 8:26
  tequila. But if you already started with
• 8:29
  that mitzvah, Alvarez, and you're already involved, you
• 8:32
  come on. So then finish it off.
• 8:33
  That was like the mitzvah paterminer mitzvah, even though
• 8:36
  it's a mitzvah that could be done by others, but you're the
• 8:39
  one who's already doing it. So go ahead and finish.
• 8:41
  And then you'll go to your, your, your parents, the EIN EIN
• 8:46
  sham ahirima sotai yasuk by mitzvah.
• 8:51
  But if you're the only one who can do the mitzvah right, it's
• 8:55
  on you and it's time sensitive or there's no one else to bury
• 8:58
  the, the body or to, to do the mitzvah.
• 9:01
  Again, everyone has to judge. You know, all these things are
• 9:05
  competing situations, competing mitzvahs, whatever they are.
• 9:08
  But the general rule is if it could be done, if you're the
• 9:10
  only one who can do it and it needs to get done.
• 9:13
  So then you have to make your parents wait to do keep it of
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  the in. But you see, it's very important
• 9:19
  never to delay and procrastinate to help your parents or to do
• 9:24
  with what they ask you to do. And making the delays also cause
• 9:29
  pain to the parents me who Ainsmann and mitzvah of verret.
• 9:33
  But if there is no this man of doing the mitzvah that only you
• 9:37
  can do for someone else, there's no time limit.
• 9:40
  It could be done a little bit later.
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  So then yasuk bikawa davi. So then first take care of your
• 9:44
  parents via Kharka yasayta mitzvah and then go take care
• 9:48
  of, let's say this mitzvah, apparently even by kagura to
• 9:53
  mates. So first take care of your
• 9:55
  parents and then take care of the kagura if it can, if it can
• 9:58
  wait. I'm not sure.
• 10:03
  I'm not sure that applies to. I'm not sure that applies to
• 10:05
  Kagura because that has to be done right away.
• 10:08
  So OK, I'm not sure what takes precedence time wise.
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  What's. This spar.
• 10:14
  What's this spar? What do you mean?
• 10:16
  If you can do both, so you've got it.
• 10:20
  So you do both. So which one is if you follow?
• 10:23
  The Glass award, he's gonna get it in the cell, right?
• 10:25
  And then they're gonna be Miss Lebaris.
• 10:28
  So then. Right.
• 10:28
  So then you're gonna lose. He's not gonna wait for you,
• 10:31
  Your father. But the Leviah can wait a little
• 10:33
  bit. Yeah.
• 10:33
  It depends on the situation. I I hear OK, let's do a gimble
• 10:43
  Talmatora got all me me kibut Ave. aim now talmatora.
• 10:48
  So that's a great mitzvah and we say it's in general when the 2
• 10:53
  are our competing factors. Again, it just as a general
• 10:57
  rule, talmatora is greater than kibut Ave. aim right?
• 11:02
  But generally you can do both the the Shah quotes famous from
• 11:07
  the Gomara that we learned this from Yaakov because he was not
• 11:12
  punished for not being Makayam Kiwadeem with his parents when
• 11:16
  he was wit when he was in the yeshiva shame Weaver, which he
• 11:19
  was learning Tara. So therefore for those 14 years
• 11:23
  he didn't get punished. He only got punished by Yosef
• 11:26
  being away when he was in the House of love and he wasn't, he
• 11:30
  wasn't learning and so that's when he gets it against famous
• 11:34
  question, but he was told to go there.
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  He needed to go there. He needed to get married.
• 11:38
  But because after he came back to Hertz Canaan, he waited till
• 11:47
  he went to his. Father right, because he waited
• 11:50
  extra, correct? Even though he was learning.
• 11:55
  Exactly. He was punished for that time
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  because it wasn't. Not from learning he was working
• 12:02
  because he stayed ex he wasn't didn't hurry back.
• 12:05
  It showed that for those years that he was working.
• 12:08
  It wasn't just it wasn't it wasn't 100% onus all those
• 12:13
  years. It was 20 years when he was
• 12:15
  working that when you delayed then it affects all the other 20
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  years. But the with the years of
• 12:22
  learning Tara didn't get counted.
• 12:25
  OK, you dial it. Yeah.
• 12:32
  Aviv O Merlot Hashcani Amaim. A father says to his son, child,
• 12:38
  bring me water. But then the IMO O merit
• 12:42
  Hashcani Amaim and then his his mother says, wait, I also want
• 12:46
  you to give me a glass of water. So which one do you do first?
• 12:50
  Maniyah, IMO the osik, the Kabut Aviv.
• 12:53
  So the Laha says again, it all depends on family dynamics.
• 12:58
  Maybe the father wants the mother to get the water first.
• 13:01
  But the pure simple alaqa is some general situation is you
• 13:08
  leave the mother 1st and you take care of the father first.
• 13:12
  Why? Because the Shah quote shagam
• 13:15
  IMO khayevit because the wife also has certain obligations to
• 13:21
  serve the husband more than he has to serve her.
• 13:24
  So therefore the EM he meghur Rashid me Aviv.
• 13:29
  But what if they get divorced? She'll then schneam shoving then
• 13:33
  they're equal because really the obligation to both parents are
• 13:37
  equal and the the it's not a husband and wife anymore if
• 13:41
  they're divorced. So now the mother has no
• 13:43
  obligations to the father and then they're equal.
• 13:47
  Well, the AISA mahem shiurtze yakhtim.
• 13:50
  So you're allowed to give first whoever you prefer.
• 13:53
  Now just to point out the husband also that does have
• 14:00
  certain obligations to his wife and the woman has also certain
• 14:06
  right rights. So it's not for everything.
• 14:10
  Question is how far there is a discussion and the post game
• 14:12
  won't get into each different opinion but basically how far do
• 14:16
  you take it? Which obligations or which items
• 14:20
  do we say the father takes precedence and which ones do we
• 14:23
  say it doesn't? So serving food that everyone
• 14:27
  agrees the woman is more obligated to the to help out to
• 14:30
  serve the husband. But there are other things where
• 14:32
  it doesn't apply for I think we can just as a simple example,
• 14:35
  not exactly in the same category, but I think we could
• 14:37
  all understand that the father can does not have the right to
• 14:43
  name because we're going to get to this soon about naming
• 14:45
  children and being a choosing A Sandak.
• 14:48
  The father can't choose all the names and all the the Sendak's
• 14:52
  whatever ever he chooses. The wife also has but really
• 14:56
  it's more an Evaneser and I endowed pay here and there over
• 15:00
  there where you're going to see where we see over there that the
• 15:03
  husband does have obligations and the basins.
• 15:06
  If you know, unfortunately, if they need to get involved, they
• 15:08
  will point out when she needs to be addressed first or she takes
• 15:15
  precedence rather. OK, Couple of couple of
• 15:19
  interesting points from the Pisce Chuba.
• 15:22
  Thank you. Is if so here.
• 15:28
  So in the Pisce Chuba, he already basically mentions what
• 15:33
  I said that the first opinion over there that he quotes is if
• 15:38
  it's a Malacha that the wife doesn't have to do for the
• 15:40
  husband, there's no connection between the husband and wife.
• 15:43
  Then even while they're still married, they're shoving.
• 15:46
  So that's what we mentioned. So that's it happens to be a
• 15:49
  mahalo kit. Some point out that there's
• 15:51
  always a Kadima for a father. That's which comes out from I
• 15:56
  think it's a Bikiva eager towards later on in the bottom
• 15:58
  of the Pisce Chuba. Different opinions in the post
• 16:02
  here. Interesting question here.
• 16:04
  You know, Debbie, who that has that this is a new olive of it
• 16:07
  in the Pisce Chuba that if the if it's an what we just said was
• 16:15
  you, who do you pick if they're Medgar Russians?
• 16:17
  But let's say she's Belmana in avid Sivolo ESA Dobrolasot Akhar
• 16:26
  Motel, right. So the father he decides he's
• 16:29
  going to have he's going to pass away.
• 16:33
  Father knows he's going to pass away.
• 16:35
  He's going to die soon. He tells he gives it Salvar.
• 16:38
  He tells his son what to do and so then he passes away and then
• 16:43
  the living mother now wants the son to do the opposite of what
• 16:49
  the father chooses. So there's a discussion in the
• 16:51
  post scheme. Now what do you do?
• 16:53
  What's more, there's no clear cut answer.
• 16:57
  But the question is which comes precedent?
• 16:59
  Is it that's about from the father or is it the covet of the
• 17:05
  living always takes wait, one opinion says the covert of the
• 17:09
  living always takes precedence over the covert of the deceased.
• 17:15
  So that's a basically Macleos knows of Yehuda and they'll be
• 17:19
  Akiva Hager. Similar question.
• 17:22
  What happens if the father's alive and the mother passes away
• 17:28
  and that or vice versa? And now they want to say and so
• 17:31
  now the son wants to say Kaddish for his mother.
• 17:34
  But the father says, but I'm alive and I don't want to hear
• 17:37
  you saying Kaddish for me. Can.
• 17:39
  And the father says, tells the son, you're not allowed to say I
• 17:42
  don't let you say Kaddish even though your mother passed away.
• 17:44
  I'm not letting you say Kaddish because then I'm afraid I'm
• 17:46
  going to go next. It doesn't.
• 17:48
  It doesn't make me feel good. So the father tells him not to
• 17:50
  do not to say it. So what's the halakhah?
• 17:54
  So, so there Ricky Wager says the cupboard of the living is
• 18:01
  more important than the covet of the, of the, of the, of the
• 18:04
  deceased. So that's his opinion.
• 18:06
  And therefore, according to the note of Riki Veger, you, in this
• 18:10
  case, the father's living, he tells you not to say it.
• 18:12
  So then you have no choice. And but others point out that
• 18:19
  it's, it's, it's, it's not up to him.
• 18:23
  Some even point out we're going to mention this momentarily.
• 18:27
  There's a discussion of say in Kaddish.
• 18:29
  Is it considered just a minaba alma or is it a mitzvah where we
• 18:33
  don't listen to the to the parents?
• 18:35
  So anyway, let's let's get to the next topic and then we'll
• 18:41
  come back. OK, let's get to Teddvahl.
• 18:49
  A father tells his son or your child to to do to go against a
• 18:55
  mitzvah natara Ben mitzvah tase Ben mitzvah lo tase.
• 18:58
  It doesn't matter if it's positive or negative Afilo
• 19:01
  mitzvah shall de vrehem lo ishma lo even a mitzvah dera banan,
• 19:07
  one may not listen to his parents because well, besides
• 19:13
  the fact that the father is higher than mitzvahs, the the
• 19:16
  Shah also points out is the pastor says in Baikra Ishimova
• 19:19
  Vivtiral Anihasham then ends up ends up ends up with saying
• 19:24
  anihasham. So the famous drasha from the
• 19:28
  Yvamos is Kuchum Khayavi. He met the Torah says ani Hashem
• 19:33
  to show you. Of course, you have to be you
• 19:35
  have to do Kiba Dave. It's a big mitzvah, but Ani
• 19:38
  Hashem, but I'm still I'm still Hashem and therefore you have to
• 19:42
  listen to Hashem first if there's a conflict.
• 19:45
  Couple interesting cases. So I have in my also Mfar
• 19:48
  Hashem, the base Lachem Yehuda. So he quotes from the seifer
• 19:52
  Hasidium that if a father sees it, tells his son not to fast an
• 19:57
  optional fast, but the son wants to do it for Midas Hasidis.
• 20:01
  So he says so then he says 1 should listen to his father and
• 20:05
  he should not fast because it's the it's not a it's not a
• 20:09
  mitzvah there abundant not something you have to do.
• 20:12
  And so many point out really the same thing is by any Midas
• 20:19
  Hasidis based on the safer Hasidim.
• 20:22
  Now many point out that if it's not a if it's not an item that
• 20:27
  affects the father directly, then in a sense it's none of his
• 20:30
  business. And technically you do not have
• 20:33
  to listen to him. But the postgre most or all they
• 20:39
  point out you should listen. You're supposed to listen if you
• 20:42
  can. And that's the, the proper thing
• 20:46
  to do unless, you know, they have to see what the, what are
• 20:48
  the different stadium. But in the general rule is even
• 20:52
  if it's something that's it's definitely better and one should
• 20:57
  listen to the parent. I saw an interesting case, let's
• 20:59
  say going to the mitzvah in the winter and the father's afraid
• 21:03
  it's an optional going for a guy to go to the mitzvah every
• 21:06
  morning, whatever it is, and he's afraid his son's going to
• 21:08
  get sick. So he tells them not to go.
• 21:10
  So again many say 1 should listen to the father and and not
• 21:15
  go any of the cases of these of hummers.
• 21:18
  Did I have another case? Another case is by by Mila.
• 21:25
  So the father says I saw this earlier about Yosef.
• 21:28
  He writes if a father tells his son not to do the Mila right,
• 21:32
  the son well the father of the child.
• 21:37
  So the grandfather, right, the father of the father is telling
• 21:39
  his son, don't you know, because he's not a mohel.
• 21:43
  The mohel is going to set up the baby and the father wants us to
• 21:46
  do the to, to cut the Orla. So that happens sometimes.
• 21:50
  And the father tells his son not to do that.
• 21:52
  So even on that, he says you shouldn't listen.
• 21:54
  Then he said you should listen to the father and not do it.
• 21:59
  Let's see what's another case here?
• 22:01
  We'll quote over here from a little bit of a different spin.
• 22:05
  He also quotes Syrians from the base, he who did the same thing,
• 22:08
  same place. I mean, if a father is sick and
• 22:12
  the and the doctors tell him he's not allowed to eat a
• 22:14
  certain type of food, and then he goes ahead and asks the son
• 22:17
  to feed it to him. So there, he says, and even if
• 22:21
  the father tells him, I'm not going to forgive you if you
• 22:24
  don't give it to me. Not in this world, not in the
• 22:26
  next World. He double S down and still the
• 22:29
  the son is not Mochaev to listen to him probably and too often he
• 22:34
  should not listen to him. And I'll be a bit of adios if he
• 22:38
  also talks about giving liquor or some say to a father.
• 22:42
  If he knows his father might get drunk, he says he shouldn't give
• 22:44
  it to him. I'll just raise cigarettes as
• 22:48
  perhaps being in the same category.
• 22:53
  The reason why I say perhaps is, well, let's keep reading a
• 22:57
  couple, just a couple of interesting cases along this
• 22:59
  topic and then we'll stop, is the father tells him not to say,
• 23:04
  oh, here it comes up again. He tells them not to say Kaddish
• 23:08
  for his mother, right? So then the Marshall, so there's
• 23:13
  an opinion that says he shouldn't say kaddish, right?
• 23:16
  So she listened to the father and Marshall says no, he argues,
• 23:18
  and he says, no, you should. It's like him saying to do a
• 23:22
  mitzvah to be over a mitzvah Shall de Graham, but I think
• 23:28
  it's quoting from the Birkayosef here where he he argues and he
• 23:31
  says, Nah, it's more of a minhag Bahama and therefore he should
• 23:36
  listen to the father. So it's anyways each item it
• 23:40
  depends if the father tells him he shouldn't wear black clothing
• 23:44
  to the funeral. So he writes also the Mahershal
• 23:47
  says there you you should listen.
• 23:49
  He points out that if it's something that's Mazi Kim a
• 23:52
  little bit, then you should give it to him as long as there's no
• 23:56
  sakana. That's why I mentioned the
• 23:58
  question by cigarettes and there are a couple different ways of
• 24:01
  looking at it. It's certainly Mazique, but if
• 24:05
  you don't, see if you call that anyways, different opinions on
• 24:11
  that issue as well. Maybe we'll save a couple more
• 24:14
  things for later and then we'll go from there.
• 24:19
  Also the issue of Khadish, some point out the Marshalls, even
• 24:23
  the father is high of in Vihaf de la Recha Kamoka.
• 24:27
  So that's also another Assad that one should not listen to
• 24:31
  him.