Latest / The Mental Healness Podcast / Why does it get worse when you go back to a narcissist?

Transcript

Why does it get worse when you go back to a narcissist? · The Mental Healness Podcast

• 0:00
  What is going on, beautiful people.
• 0:02
  Today we're going to be talking about why it gets worse when you
• 0:06
  go back into a toxic narcissistic relationship.
• 0:09
  If you're new here, my name is Lee Hammock.
• 0:10
  I'm a clinically diagnosed narcissist and welcome to
• 0:13
  another episode of the Narcissist Cover.
• 0:32
  Welcome back, folks. Yes, yes, yes.
• 0:34
  So I love, I just love the andro, the andro music, y'all.
• 0:37
  I hope y'all do. So why does it get worse when
• 0:41
  you go back into a toxic narcissistic relationship?
• 0:44
  Y'all? This is one of the main
• 0:45
  questions that I get. And this is me being real
• 0:48
  estate. Y'all know I keep it hiding
• 0:49
  ready like a Little Caesar's pizza.
• 0:51
  This is one of the main questions I get, and for good
• 0:53
  reason. A lot of people want to know,
• 0:55
  just like Lee. Why can't they just treat me
• 0:57
  better? Why do they have to act like
• 0:59
  this when all I'm trying to do is love them when all I try to
• 1:01
  do is take them back? Why, why, why, why does it get
• 1:03
  worse? So I'm going to tell you, you're
• 1:06
  going to get it directly from the horse's mouth right here, so
• 1:09
  to speak on why it gets worse. But before we hop deep into the
• 1:12
  episode, y'all make sure you check out my support groups and
• 1:14
  my courses right now. Scroll across the bottom of the
• 1:16
  screen. Courses.mentalillness.net have
• 1:18
  them a growing support group, A growing community of people who
• 1:21
  are willing to help each other. And I'm part of it.
• 1:23
  Y'all know I'm, I'm in there every single day chatting with
• 1:26
  people, helping people. We have weekly zoom meetings and
• 1:28
  everything like that. So check it out right here,
• 1:29
  y'all. But yes, I tell this to people
• 1:33
  all the time that when you go back to a narcissist, they
• 1:37
  absolutely think that you are OK with the behaviors.
• 1:43
  They think that you are fine with how they're treating you or
• 1:46
  how they've treated you previously.
• 1:48
  They think that you are signing up for more toxic, abusive
• 1:52
  behaviors. And a lot of times be be
• 1:54
  realistic because you know, as a survivor, as a thriver or
• 1:58
  whatnot, you know that narcissistic people try to
• 2:02
  minimize everything that they've done, right?
• 2:05
  They try to minimize everything that they've done and everything
• 2:07
  that they put you through, right?
• 2:09
  They try to minimize it to make it seem like if things are not
• 2:12
  as bad as they see, they try to, oh, this is not abuse.
• 2:15
  I didn't, I never hit you. They try to minimize everything
• 2:19
  that they, they put you through everything that you're going
• 2:20
  through, right? So when you come to them and
• 2:24
  say, Hey, you've been abusive to me, I'm breaking up with you,
• 2:26
  I'm leaving you. They are going to try to
• 2:28
  minimize it, right? So imagine you break up with
• 2:31
  them for being abusive, being toxic, whatever you whatever
• 2:35
  reason you have to break up with them, right?
• 2:37
  Imagine you break up with them and then you are the one that
• 2:41
  reaches out to them. Hey, I miss you.
• 2:43
  I'm sorry things ended the way that they did.
• 2:45
  Rabble, rabble, rabble. Whatever they, whatever you say
• 2:47
  to them, right? You take them back, you break
• 2:52
  you, you break no contact, and you are the one that reaches out
• 2:55
  to them. Why?
• 2:58
  In their minds, it just makes everything that they thought
• 3:02
  originally and they said originally to them.
• 3:04
  It validates them. To them, it makes it true.
• 3:07
  To them when they try to minimize your abuse, when they
• 3:09
  try to minimize the stuff that they put you through now, it
• 3:12
  makes it OK. To them, it's like, damn, you
• 3:14
  reached out to me, so it's OK. I knew that I was right.
• 3:17
  I knew that you were overreacting.
• 3:19
  I knew that you were doing this. I knew that you were doing that.
• 3:22
  Yeah, I might have cheated on you, but I told you it was your
• 3:24
  fault that I did. So this is you acknowledging
• 3:27
  that it's your fault. Why would they change their
• 3:29
  behaviors when they think you accepted?
• 3:32
  I'm not saying you do, but if you look at it from the
• 3:35
  perspective of a narcissist, you, if you put on your little
• 3:37
  narcissistic goggles, if you put on like like little narc, the
• 3:41
  little narc glasses, if you put on your narc glasses, right?
• 3:44
  This is how they look. If you put on your narc glasses,
• 3:47
  you see the upside down. You see the world differently,
• 3:50
  right? You see the world differently
• 3:53
  because this is how they see the world.
• 3:54
  They see the world through their own skewed perspective, upside
• 3:57
  down. Right from wrong, right is
• 3:59
  wrong, wrong is right. You see what I'm saying So
• 4:01
  they're going to think that you were OK with the behaviors
• 4:04
  because you reached out to me. You took me back.
• 4:09
  Even so I feel like, and this is going to sound weird.
• 4:14
  I feel like to a lot of narcissists, right?
• 4:17
  If you reach out to me, you're Co signing what I did to you.
• 4:21
  You see what I'm saying? That's the mindset of a lot of
• 4:23
  narcissists. But it can also be true that if
• 4:26
  even if I reach out to you and you and I convince you to take
• 4:30
  me back based on whatever, it still makes sense to me that you
• 4:33
  are accepting responsibility for what happened to me.
• 4:37
  It makes sense to me that you are accepting responsibility.
• 4:40
  You're accepting your role in whatever happened here.
• 4:43
  And I'm not saying that you're OK with the gal, but if you take
• 4:45
  the take the step back, that's why you're here.
• 4:47
  That's why you're watching my channel.
• 4:49
  If you haven't subscribed to the channel, I don't know what
• 4:50
  you're doing. Go and hit the subscribe button,
• 4:52
  join the support groups up. But if you take yeah, you're
• 4:55
  watching me. You know, I'm I'm going to give
• 4:57
  it to you raw the perspective of a narcissist.
• 4:59
  You want to know how a narcissist thinks?
• 5:01
  This is how they think. This is how we think.
• 5:03
  Lee, why you keep saying Dave, you, you know what I'm saying?
• 5:07
  This is how we think. We think that you're OK with the
• 5:09
  behaviors because you took us back.
• 5:12
  It's just like, OK, cool now. Wow, I knew I was right.
• 5:17
  And so think, think about this right here.
• 5:18
  Y'all, a lot of people ask me the question, do narcissists
• 5:22
  ever feel sorry or feel bad for what they've done to you?
• 5:25
  Do they ever regret what they've put you through?
• 5:27
  They ever do you ever think negatively about you?
• 5:30
  You know they're always asking these type of questions, right?
• 5:34
  So if they do feel bad and they're just stewing in it,
• 5:38
  they're stewing in the guilt, they're stewing in the shame or
• 5:41
  whatever, right? And then you reach out to them
• 5:43
  and you say, hey, I want you back.
• 5:45
  They're no longer stewing their regret or remorse or guilt that
• 5:48
  they felt. Pack six.
• 5:50
  Look. The guilt, the guilt that they
• 5:53
  have had had they might have had.
• 5:56
  Puts on his book bag and leaves. Bye.
• 5:59
  Alone. I'm no longer.
• 6:01
  I no longer feel guilty now. What's that?
• 6:04
  That old thing. Old trick.
• 6:06
  Bye. I'm going downstairs now.
• 6:09
  My knees hurt. Y'all buy the knees.
• 6:10
  I don't have to try this again. OK.
• 6:13
  Yeah. Bye.
• 6:15
  And now I'm back. Y'all.
• 6:18
  I know it sounds silly, but that is the mindset of a lot of
• 6:21
  narcissistic people. They packed their, their guilt,
• 6:24
  remorse, put it into the blue bag and throw it.
• 6:27
  Sometimes they kick it downstairs.
• 6:30
  You know, that's the mentality of a lot of narcissists, y'all.
• 6:34
  And it's, again, I'm not trying to justify their behaviors by
• 6:38
  any in any way shape or form. This is not y'all know, that's
• 6:40
  not my goal here. I'm just telling you this is how
• 6:44
  they think. So if you or want to want to not
• 6:47
  deal with this type of person anymore, then you have to be OK
• 6:50
  with you have to get to the point.
• 6:54
  We are strong enough to say no if they try to come back no, if
• 7:00
  you have the if you have that want to reach out to them if you
• 7:03
  feel like I need to text them right now, No, don't do it.
• 7:08
  You have to empower yourself, y'all, because if you don't,
• 7:12
  you'll just give in to them. And guess what happens if you
• 7:14
  give in to them? Yes, here's what happens when
• 7:17
  you give in to a narcissist. They feel like they won.
• 7:21
  If you give in to a narcissist, they absolutely, 100% feel like
• 7:25
  they've won. Do you want them to feel like
• 7:28
  they won late? I don't want them to feel like
• 7:29
  they want anything. But guess what?
• 7:31
  This is how narcissist, if narcissist think, think in terms
• 7:34
  of wins and losses. They think they just that they
• 7:37
  just got a big victory because of you, because y'all got back
• 7:41
  together because y'all got back together.
• 7:43
  So you, you must be OK with the behavior.
• 7:46
  So I can. So in my mind, because you were
• 7:49
  originally OK with the behavior, I can do it again, right?
• 7:54
  I can do the same thing again and get forgiven for it.
• 7:56
  But now I'm bored of doing the same thing again over and over
• 7:59
  again. So what can I do new?
• 8:01
  Is there anything new that I can do to push the limits of what I
• 8:05
  can get away with? That's where their mind goes.
• 8:08
  Is there anything new that I can do to push the limits and get
• 8:12
  away with the things that I've tried to get away with, the
• 8:14
  things that I want to get away with?
• 8:15
  Is there anything new that I can do?
• 8:17
  They get bored, y'all. They suffer from chronic
• 8:19
  boredom. So they try to push the limits
• 8:21
  of what they can get away with. And guess what happens?
• 8:23
  So many people let them get away with more and more stuff.
• 8:26
  And this is not me trying to be victim blaming like this.
• 8:28
  Victim blaming. No, no, no.
• 8:29
  I'm just telling you, this is the mindset of a narcissist.
• 8:34
  It is. It's the direct mindset.
• 8:36
  It's direct thinking. They think that you are OK with
• 8:40
  it because if you're not, why would you reach out to me?
• 8:43
  If you're not, why would you take me back?
• 8:45
  Well, Lee, I told him directly that I wasn't OK with it.
• 8:48
  Doesn't matter what you say to them directly.
• 8:50
  It's how they interpret it. It doesn't matter what you say
• 8:54
  to them. Their interpretation of it is
• 8:56
  what matters to them. Right?
• 8:57
  I don't care if you say, well Lee, I'll take you back.
• 8:59
  If you change. Well, you took me back without
• 9:01
  changing, so why the hell would I change?
• 9:03
  You said this, you took you said, oh, take you back without
• 9:06
  without you training. You took me back before I made
• 9:09
  any changes. So why would I change?
• 9:11
  I'm good enough to take back. Why would I put into any work in
• 9:14
  I might, I might fake like I'm putting the work in to get you
• 9:17
  to keep to get you to stay in my life.
• 9:19
  I might fake it, you know, kind of fake, fake it till you make
• 9:21
  it. I might do that, but there's
• 9:24
  very rarely any narcissistic people that sit sit right there.
• 9:27
  And if you take them back, they're like going to follow
• 9:29
  through and make any type of changes.
• 9:31
  Why would they? That's mean, though.
• 9:34
  I'm not trying to be mean. I'm trying to be realistic and
• 9:37
  show you all the mindset of a narcissist.
• 9:39
  You have to stop taking them back.
• 9:41
  And no, I'm not trying to make it seem like it's super easy,
• 9:44
  right? I'm not trying to make it seem
• 9:46
  like it's an easy task to do because I understand that it's
• 9:50
  not an easy task, right? I understand that it's not easy.
• 9:54
  I understand that it's not like it's not simple.
• 9:57
  I'm just telling you, you have to get started in doing it
• 10:00
  because if you don't do it, if you don't do it now, you'll
• 10:02
  regret it later. It can be as simple as that.
• 10:05
  If you do not do it now, if you're not willing to put the
• 10:07
  work in right now, if you're not willing to walk to go through
• 10:10
  the pain of leaving this person and getting and working on
• 10:13
  yourself, then you're going to pay for it later.
• 10:17
  Relationships with narcissists, y'all have a cost associated
• 10:20
  with them. And normally the cost is going
• 10:22
  to be your friendships. It's going to be your
• 10:24
  relationship, it's going to be your lifestyle, it's going to be
• 10:27
  your hopes and dreams. It's going to be your education.
• 10:29
  You're going to give up so much to get to stay in this
• 10:33
  relationship. You are you're going to give up
• 10:37
  so much to stay in this tight relationship or to take this
• 10:39
  person back into your life because guess what, when you
• 10:42
  take them back, especially y'all, I'm, I'm going to add
• 10:45
  this this, this is this is an extra layer right here.
• 10:48
  This is like if you go to Domino's.
• 10:50
  No, this is Domino's. It might be Pizza Hut.
• 10:52
  No, Domino's stuffed crushed that one.
• 10:54
  I think Pizza Hut is stuffed, crushed, stuffed crushed pizza
• 10:56
  too Well, I don't think Domino's though.
• 10:58
  I think it's Pizza Hut. Well stuffed crust.
• 11:00
  This is the this, this is the cheese and the crust right here,
• 11:03
  right? For narcissistic people, they
• 11:06
  think that you, if you've exposed me to other to if you
• 11:09
  expose me to everybody, if you made me look bad in front of
• 11:12
  your friends and family and now you're taking me back.
• 11:15
  You just empower me even more because now you're going to be
• 11:20
  isolating yourself away from people because now you're
• 11:22
  embarrassed because you took me back.
• 11:25
  You're embarrassed because you took me back.
• 11:28
  So now it makes it even more OK. Now I'm just like, OK, you, you
• 11:31
  are. You are so OK with the behaviors
• 11:33
  before that. You cut your mom off, you
• 11:35
  stopped talking to your Mama, you stopped talking to your dad.
• 11:38
  You cut your brother and sister off.
• 11:40
  You stopped talking to your best friend.
• 11:41
  You quit your job. You did all of this and you not
• 11:44
  OK with my behaviors? Get the hell out of here.
• 11:47
  That's the mindset of a narcissist right there.
• 11:49
  You cut all these people off, but you're not OK with my
• 11:51
  behaviors. What is?
• 11:52
  What sense does that make y'all? I know it sounds harsh, but
• 11:55
  that's the mindset of a narcissist.
• 11:57
  You cut all these damn people off and you expect me to think
• 12:00
  that you're not OK with my behaviors?
• 12:02
  Come on now y'all, come on, you're going to come through.
• 12:06
  You expect me to believe that you could all these people off
• 12:09
  but you're not OK with my behaviors?
• 12:14
  You expect me to believe that You cut your whole friend group
• 12:17
  off? You don't talk to your friends
• 12:18
  anymore. You, the only friend you have
• 12:19
  now in this world is me. You're not OK with my behaviors.
• 12:23
  You expect me to believe that that's the mindset of a
• 12:27
  narcissist, y'all? This is why it keeps getting
• 12:29
  worse. Because now I've been telling
• 12:31
  you this is the mindset. They feel like you're enabling
• 12:33
  their behavior. They feel like you are
• 12:35
  absolutely enabling the behavior further.
• 12:38
  And because you keep coming back to me, this is the, this is what
• 12:41
  you're going. This is what you're signing up
• 12:42
  for. They think that you're an active
• 12:44
  participant in your abuse. Believe I'm not.
• 12:47
  I'm just telling you what narcissists think, y'all.
• 12:49
  And this is just not. This is a lot of narcissists
• 12:53
  anyways, y'all I'm super grateful that y'all tuned in
• 12:55
  today again check out joining the mental healers and working
• 12:58
  on some new courses and things like that.
• 13:00
  So check that out here coming pretty soon y'all I'm extremely
• 13:03
  grateful for you anyways y'all like subscribe subscribe to this
• 13:07
  channel if you haven't y'all and as always y'all mention him.
• 13:10
  This is out peace. Thank you so much for making it
• 13:12
  to the end of my video. I am extremely grateful for you
• 13:15
  have no idea. If you haven't already, make
• 13:17
  sure you go ahead and subscribe to the channel helps reach more
• 13:19
  people and click on the screen to watch another video or to
• 13:21
  browse through another playlist. There's also a link on the
• 13:24
  screen to check out my courses and my support groups to help
• 13:26
  you heal and understand what you've been through.
• 13:28
  Thank you so much again, I will see.