Latest / The Parenting Podcast / The Strength of Response: Exploring Attachment Parenting | Ep. 121

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The Strength of Response: Exploring Attachment Parenting | Ep. 121 · The Parenting Podcast

• 0:11
  Welcome to the Parenting podcast.
• 0:13
  I'm She Lang, your Guide, as we are currently on a journey through the diverse landscape of parenting styles.
• 0:21
  With each episode, we delve into defining these unique approaches.
• 0:26
  Dissecting their components and reflecting on their impact on our parenting paths.
• 0:34
  Our aim is to empower you with insights to navigate and learn.
• 0:38
  and customize these styles enhancing your parenting experience.
• 0:45
  After all, every method has its merits and its drawbacks.
• 0:50
  Today we're delving into attachment parenting, a nurturing approach centered on emotional connection and responsiveness.
• 0:59
  Join us as we uncover the joys and potential challenges of this style, offering valuable insights to enrich your family dynamics.
• 1:09
  Thank you for joining us.
• 1:10
  Let's get started.
• 1:19
  Ellen: I was thinking about all the different places we've lived in our lifetime as we've talked about parenting.
• 1:24
  Ellen: 'cause we've been fortunate to live all around the world.
• 1:27
  Ellen: Yes.
• 1:27
  Ellen: Really have.
• 1:28
  Ellen: And, you know, as a military family.
• 1:30
  Ellen: And so, um, it's been interesting in different places, parenting styles can be really, really different.
• 1:36
  Ellen: Mm-Hmm.
• 1:36
  Ellen: Well, last
• 1:37
  Cheryl: time you were talking about internationally.
• 1:39
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 1:40
  Cheryl: A pretty, very
• 1:40
  Ellen: strict, very
• 1:42
  Cheryl: but strict, I mean.
• 1:44
  Ellen: What we would consider abusive.
• 1:46
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 1:46
  Ellen: Yes.
• 1:47
  Ellen: Whereas, um, in the United States, really, it is the same way.
• 1:50
  Ellen: Having lived on the East Coast, having lived on the West Coast, having lived in the South, and having lived in the middle of the country, people share maybe the same values, but how they appropriate the values in terms of their parenting styles can be really different.
• 2:06
  Cheryl: That's
• 2:06
  Ellen: really
• 2:06
  Cheryl: And what might be accepted So tell more, because I haven't had that Yeah.
• 2:09
  Cheryl: I've had that exposure myself.
• 2:11
  Ellen: Well, what might be acceptable in the middle of the country that tends to be a little more conservative would be a real outlier, maybe on the West Coast.
• 2:18
  Ellen: People are like, Oh man, that lady's really strict or, you know, she's, she seems like she's being mean to her kids or, you know, something along those lines.
• 2:28
  Ellen: For instance, this is just a minor thing, you know, the South is really well known for their manners.
• 2:33
  Christie: Mm hmm.
• 2:33
  Christie: Mm hmm.
• 2:34
  Ellen: And.
• 2:35
  Ellen: Yes, ma'am and sir is still common for younger people to say, well, now if you do that on the West Coast, people are like, what's wrong with you?
• 2:41
  Ellen: Wow.
• 2:42
  Ellen: You don't talk that way.
• 2:43
  Ellen: Right.
• 2:44
  Ellen: So that seems archaic and kind of, you know, so that's
• 2:48
  Cheryl: true because I was a recipient of
• 2:51
  Carol: that kind of response because my parents were from Atlanta, Georgia and you did say yes, ma'am and yes, sir, to everybody.
• 2:59
  Cheryl: Right.
• 2:59
  Cheryl: And I can remember.
• 3:01
  Cheryl: But even as an adult, I mean, that's just ingrained in us.
• 3:04
  Cheryl: And um, people, you know, we're not military.
• 3:09
  Cheryl: Why are you saying that to me?
• 3:10
  Cheryl: When I met my in laws before they became my in laws, they just said,
• 3:16
  Carol: that makes me I feel so separate from you.
• 3:20
  Carol: It feels like you're being formal and distant whenever you use that.
• 3:24
  Cheryl: And where were they from?
• 3:25
  Cheryl: I They were from Iowa, up in there, upper Midwest, and I saw it as a courtesy and respect.
• 3:34
  Christie: Right, which is really interesting to think about as we know our culture has become more transient and people, you know, traveling and moving all different.
• 3:44
  Christie: places.
• 3:44
  Christie: It's, it's interesting to think about that in our relationships.
• 3:48
  Ellen: Right.
• 3:48
  Ellen: And what's considered polite in one part of the country is rude somewhere else.
• 3:52
  Ellen: And, you know, yeah, those are the things you learn when you have to settle in different areas.
• 3:57
  Ellen: What's the cultural norm here?
• 3:59
  Ellen: And why are they all looking at me really weird?
• 4:01
  Ellen: Because I'm doing this.
• 4:02
  Ellen: Right, right.
• 4:04
  Ellen: My, my favorite story, this has nothing to do with the parenting but my favorite story about the first time I came to the South, and Southern women won't take offense to this, I was shocked by their hair.
• 4:15
  Ellen: Southern women can really do their hair.
• 4:19
  Ellen: Coming from California where it's long and straight and you don't do anything.
• 4:24
  Ellen: Because
• 4:25
  Cheryl: you just got out of the beach.
• 4:26
  Cheryl: Yes, and that
• 4:27
  Ellen: was just the South.
• 4:27
  Ellen: style, especially in the sixties and seventies coming to the South.
• 4:31
  Ellen: I'm like, Oh my gosh, they must spend an hour on there.
• 4:35
  Ellen: And I would talk to my Southern friends and they probably do.
• 4:38
  Ellen: I had a girlfriend that would get up before her husband and have her hair completely styled.
• 4:45
  Ellen: Yes.
• 4:45
  Ellen: She had all her makeup.
• 4:46
  Ellen: Her 20 years of marriage had never seen her without makeup.
• 4:50
  Ellen: Wow.
• 4:50
  Ellen: No lie.
• 4:51
  Christie: That's incredible.
• 4:53
  Christie: Yeah, I mean, I know people who I have known pretty well and have never seen them without full makeup and hair done.
• 5:00
  Christie: I mean, but I'm not married to them.
• 5:01
  Ellen: That's that cultural thing, you know, parts of the culture.
• 5:06
  Ellen: I mean, in California, when I was a teenager, wearing makeup was kind of not Not a cool thing to do.
• 5:11
  Ellen: You know, with the natural look.
• 5:13
  Ellen: So, like I said, it was so funny that southern hair was just like, Oh my gosh, that hair.
• 5:19
  Ellen: Wow.
• 5:20
  Cheryl: Well, but it's a segue to what we're going to be talking about.
• 5:23
  Cheryl: Yeah, because as you kind of alluded to, We're going through a series on various parenting styles,
• 5:30
  Christie: Mm hmm.
• 5:31
  Christie: Mm hmm.
• 5:31
  Cheryl: and it just what you're saying everything.
• 5:34
  Cheryl: influences everything.
• 5:36
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 5:37
  Cheryl: Your culture, your background, what you're used to, the people you're exposed to, and the negative, uh, Reactions you get affect not just your hairstyle.
• 5:48
  Cheryl: Right?
• 5:49
  Cheryl: Right.
• 5:49
  Cheryl: But how you parent.
• 5:50
  Cheryl: Right.
• 5:51
  Christie: Yeah.
• 5:51
  Christie: I feel like most of us are either parenting in, in line with how we were parented or in response to how we were parented.
• 5:59
  Christie: Or reaction.
• 6:00
  Christie: Reaction.
• 6:00
  Christie: Anything better than
• 6:01
  Cheryl: that,
• 6:02
  Christie: right.
• 6:02
  Ellen: Or in response to where you live, Uhhuh.
• 6:05
  Ellen: 'cause some things are more acceptable in different parts of the country than they are somewhere else.
• 6:09
  Cheryl: Or culturally, now that we have a global, yeah.
• 6:13
  Cheryl: Internet you are responding to.
• 6:16
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 6:16
  Cheryl: Whom you follow on Instagram and what podcast you listen to.
• 6:19
  Cheryl: Right?
• 6:20
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 6:20
  Cheryl: And what group you affiliate with?
• 6:22
  Cheryl: Mm-Hmm.
• 6:22
  Cheryl: Or the
• 6:23
  Christie: group, you do not want to affiliate with Exactly.
• 6:25
  Christie: Right.
• 6:25
  Cheryl: You know, so no, we don't do that because we vote this way, so we're not gonna do that.
• 6:31
  Cheryl: So that's some of the turmoil, right.
• 6:33
  Cheryl: Listeners that we're bringing into this and actually why we want to do this series.
• 6:38
  Cheryl: Mm-Hmm.
• 6:39
  Cheryl: because, um.
• 6:41
  Cheryl: Um, not to say this is the way you should parent, but let's look at, um, basically sort of four of, I would say, maybe dominant, uh, perspectives or views or lenses through which you see parenting and how you interact.
• 6:59
  Cheryl: And so, uh, last time we did authoritarian, which is pretty high control.
• 7:05
  Cheryl: And then today we're talking about attachment parenting.
• 7:08
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 7:09
  Cheryl: And, uh, so it's very interesting.
• 7:12
  Cheryl: I've really enjoyed studying and looking at this.
• 7:16
  Cheryl: And, you know, like everything else we talk about here at TPP.
• 7:20
  Cheryl: Going, where was this information when I was creating my parenting?
• 7:25
  Cheryl: Right.
• 7:27
  Cheryl: Yeah, because this information just wasn't out there and for me personally, Ellen, it was so much more of what you said, just what was in your environs, what were the closest things that you saw.
• 7:39
  Cheryl: Right.
• 7:40
  Cheryl: or trying something different.
• 7:42
  Cheryl: You know, I just don't want to do that.
• 7:44
  Cheryl: So I'm going to do this rather than an intentional choice.
• 7:47
  Cheryl: And so we kind of want to bring in that.
• 7:49
  Cheryl: So how about if we lay some groundwork and talk about the pros and the cons and how it might affect you and your children, your life together, your future.
• 8:02
  Cheryl: If attachment parenting.
• 8:04
  Cheryl: is the lens that you look through.
• 8:06
  Ellen: Yeah, because I think it's really interesting what you're just talking about, what you said real quick.
• 8:11
  Ellen: Um, you and I share, we're probably the first generation that actually had parenting books.
• 8:18
  Ellen: That's true.
• 8:18
  Ellen: You know, you know, if I asked my mother, they didn't have any, you know.
• 8:23
  Ellen: My
• 8:23
  Cheryl: mother said, In the early fifties, there was Dr.
• 8:26
  Cheryl: Spock.
• 8:27
  Cheryl: Right.
• 8:27
  Cheryl: That's right.
• 8:28
  Cheryl: I remember hearing of that.
• 8:29
  Cheryl: That was it.
• 8:30
  Cheryl: And that was like the only parenting book ever.
• 8:33
  Cheryl: Right.
• 8:34
  Ellen: I remember getting Better Homes and Gardens baby book and it was just through the through year two and it just kind of gave you child development.
• 8:43
  Ellen: But, you know, that just wasn't that common you usually had to ask people.
• 8:47
  Ellen: Right.
• 8:48
  Ellen: Or people would tell you, get a hold of your child.
• 8:51
  Christie: Laughter Well, and then, you know, I, I tiptoed into the parenting world of, you know, Endless resources not so much as what they have now But it was still a huge array of choices it felt overwhelming to know, okay, all of these people seem really passionate about what they're saying about parenting, and I just don't know who to listen to.
• 9:13
  Christie: And they're the opposite ends of the spectrum, so.
• 9:16
  Carol: And in steps TPP with all the perfect answers
• 9:20
  Christie: Laughter
• 9:22
  Carol: so But seriously where I want to start with this one is because of that word attachment, um, I want us to differentiate the difference between.
• 9:33
  Carol: True, real bonding and attachment, which everything says is a vital, critical element of parenting.
• 9:42
  Cheryl: Right.
• 9:43
  Cheryl: And so let's talk about that.
• 9:45
  Cheryl: And say this is different from we're talking about, um, this one style that focuses on
• 9:52
  Christie: attachment.
• 9:53
  Christie: Right.
• 9:53
  Christie: Because attachment with your child is something every parent would say is valuable and important to focus on.
• 10:00
  Cheryl: Mm hmm.
• 10:01
  Cheryl: In fact, they say like with kids.
• 10:03
  Cheryl: Dads, it's really important the first 72 hours.
• 10:08
  Cheryl: And so if you see a lot of pictures on social media and so forth, a lot of times you see dads without shirts on holding their babies And for that reason, there are chemicals and endorphins and lifelong attachment that actually happens in those first hours and days.
• 10:29
  Cheryl: And so I'm really thankful for the good research.
• 10:32
  Cheryl: Yes, because that's
• 10:34
  Christie: a world of difference from two generations ago where dads weren't even coming to the hospital, right?
• 10:39
  Christie: Well, or they had the
• 10:40
  Cheryl: waiting room, and then they would look through the glass, and then it might be three or four days before they ever touched the baby.
• 10:47
  Ellen: Well, and I'm a big animal lover just looking in the natural world, and um, you know, if a baby animal doesn't attach to its mother.
• 10:57
  Ellen: It will probably die,
• 10:59
  Cheryl: not
• 10:59
  Ellen: that it's not being fed or anything, but it learns everything in those early moments, it attaches to its mother, and that's how they learn until they're ready to be on their own, whether they're just a hamster or a horse.
• 11:11
  Ellen: I, I was going to say, you know, We were going to talk a little bit, you know, maybe some of the characteristics of attachment parenting.
• 11:19
  Ellen: But what you want to do in the early years is Try as much as you can to have physical contact with your child because that's the earliest form of bonding.
• 11:28
  Ellen: And that creates the key to a gate to their heart.
• 11:33
  Christie: This is making me think we should have a whole series on attachment.
• 11:37
  Cheryl: I'd love to talk more about this.
• 11:38
  Cheryl: I'd love it.
• 11:39
  Cheryl: Because You know, and I've mentioned before, um, Uri Braufenbrenner, very famous, incredibly respected psychologist who died in the early 2000s, he promoted attachment and had all these really big words to emphasize How healthy and how important attachment is.
• 12:01
  Cheryl: And when someone sums it up, they say, everybody needs somebody who's irrationally crazy about them.
• 12:07
  Cheryl: You know.
• 12:07
  Cheryl: I love that.
• 12:08
  Cheryl: And then my friends who are in the counseling psychology fields say, attachment injury is such a big, heavy difficulty.
• 12:18
  Cheryl: So, all that to say, we're not talking about, this is the only group that does attachment.
• 12:24
  Cheryl: We're talking about.
• 12:25
  Cheryl: That the focus of their parenting, that their emphasis is the lens of always meeting the
• 12:32
  Carol: emotional
• 12:33
  Cheryl: needs of their child at the moment.
• 12:35
  Cheryl: And that that's their priority over everything else.
• 12:38
  Cheryl: Above all other needs or concerns, right?
• 12:41
  Cheryl: Okay, so it's not excluding.
• 12:44
  Cheryl: The other styles.
• 12:46
  Cheryl: Right.
• 12:47
  Cheryl: Yeah Of course we want to promote bonding and attachment.
• 12:50
  Cheryl: Right.
• 12:51
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 12:51
  Cheryl: So, uh, we're not talking about detachment.
• 12:54
  Cheryl: As opposed to this one parenting style Yeah so let's talk about it.
• 13:00
  Cheryl: What are some of the aspects, how would you describe so someone would recognize what this attachment style or perspective looks like?
• 13:10
  Christie: Yeah, well, I mean, you mentioned elevating emotional needs above everything and this, this style is very focused on, um, bonding quickly and, you know, And permanently, and in every aspect of life, you know, the, all of the needs of the child are focused on in, in how a person chooses to feed and educate and sleep and all of the things.
• 13:34
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 13:35
  Cheryl: And I would say, oh my goodness.
• 13:37
  Cheryl: I was there hook, line, and sinker with my first baby, Rebecca, and I've told you all the stories before.
• 13:43
  Cheryl: Because, like, one of the ways they describe this is your immediate attention to crying or
• 13:48
  Carol: any perceived emotional need.
• 13:51
  Carol: But I really thought, oh, how selfish it is for me to take care of myself at all instead of my baby.
• 14:00
  Cheryl: And to realize, y'all, it was not a balanced situation.
• 14:05
  Cheryl: I literally would be in the shower.
• 14:07
  Cheryl: And I would turn it off to hear if she's crying, you know, because I thought, if she's crying, she feels abandoned.
• 14:14
  Cheryl: And then also like, we actually had a clothesline out back and I would put the diapers out there because I use cloth diapers to get the sunshine for that benefit.
• 14:24
  Cheryl: And I would walk over to the window and listen, could she be crying?
• 14:29
  Cheryl: So I reflected this one thing of being so Right there on the spot for any emotional need and trying to meet it immediately.
• 14:39
  Christie: Well, I never got to see my great grandmother parenting in action with her young children, but I know she was into attachment parenting because I remember taking my firstborn to visit her.
• 14:51
  Christie: And she saw the window that the baby was in the car seat in the backseat facing backwards as you do.
• 14:58
  Christie: And I got in and she said, well, how dare you treat that baby that way?
• 15:04
  Christie: She just thought it was a horrific thing that I would have that baby in the backseat facing it.
• 15:09
  Christie: She was elderly at this point.
• 15:10
  Christie: And, uh, Three generations back or two generations back.
• 15:14
  Christie: Yeah.
• 15:14
  Christie: And so, yeah, it just felt very cruel to her and it kind of left me doubting our society.
• 15:20
  Christie: You know, doubting all the studies, thinking, oh
• 15:23
  Cheryl: gosh, is this right?
• 15:23
  Cheryl: Are we missing the emotional needs of the child?
• 15:26
  Cheryl: And seeing that's the lens that this, uh, style tries to promote that they're constantly meeting the emotional needs of their children like that.
• 15:36
  Cheryl: Uh, what else do you think would be typical of this style?
• 15:40
  Christie: Another big part of this is how families sleep, how co sleeping which is, in case someone doesn't know what it is.
• 15:47
  Christie: Right.
• 15:48
  Christie: I mean, it's essentially just having your child in the family bed with you and your Hogging the bed.
• 15:53
  Christie: Yes.
• 15:53
  Christie: Yes.
• 15:54
  Christie: And not just as a baby, but on into the older, older years.
• 15:59
  Cheryl: And baby wearing.
• 16:01
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 16:01
  Ellen: I was in the early years where somebody invented the snuggly.
• 16:04
  Ellen: They didn't have front baby carriers before that you could whip around to the back.
• 16:08
  Ellen: And it was all handmade.
• 16:09
  Ellen: It was really beautiful.
• 16:10
  Ellen: I had that through all my children and I probably wore my kids on me to the point where as I got older, I had to get my neck fixed because I had done so much damage to my neck from holding it too heavy of babies, but they got held.
• 16:23
  Cheryl: Right.
• 16:24
  Cheryl: Right um, and, and you can see there's a high attachment bonding going on.
• 16:29
  Cheryl: Another thing I think that would typify this style of parenting is, positive discipline.
• 16:35
  Cheryl: Yeah That they would want to do more positive discipline rather than more, uh, stricter rules like we talked about with authoritarian.
• 16:44
  Cheryl: What else?
• 16:45
  Christie: not, not always, not 100 percent of the time, but So, a fair amount of attachment parents tend to be at home parents or home educating parents, keeping their kids close in proximity in some form or fashion.
• 16:59
  Cheryl: Because of the priority for the child's emotional development, it would require that.
• 17:05
  Cheryl: Speaking of which, so these are some of the pros and the positives of it, and typifying, What are some of the cons or the challenges that would come with this particular, uh, approach and lens to parenting?
• 17:19
  Ellen: Well, what Christy said, if you have to go back to work and things like that, it makes it a lot harder to do some of that because you're, if you're physically gone.
• 17:29
  Cheryl: Well, also if, if this is your style, then it's all the way up.
• 17:34
  Cheryl: It just multiplies the time intensity.
• 17:36
  Cheryl: Right.
• 17:37
  Cheryl: Um, because let's say you have three or four children.
• 17:41
  Christie: Right.
• 17:41
  Christie: And
• 17:41
  Cheryl: you're trying to meet all the emotional needs of every child.
• 17:46
  Christie: Very draining.
• 17:47
  Christie: Yeah.
• 17:47
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 17:48
  Christie: Yeah.
• 17:48
  Cheryl: it's a noble idea But I would think burnout.
• 17:52
  Cheryl: And low self care might be a concern because you're always trying, to meet the emotional needs.
• 18:01
  Cheryl: But then
• 18:02
  Ellen: you're just an exhausted mom with really nothing left
• 18:05
  Christie: to give.
• 18:05
  Christie: I think, too, it can affect your other relationships, your marriage, if you're married, your friendships, your family
• 18:13
  Cheryl: relationships.
• 18:14
  Cheryl: So what are the concerns you have about that?
• 18:15
  Cheryl: Well,
• 18:16
  Christie: by nature, it would have to be very child centric, and if the relationship with the child is drawing all of your energy and attention, then you're only one person, and if you have multiple children, then you can't give to those other relationships like you once did.
• 18:31
  Christie: And your
• 18:31
  Ellen: spouse may not like children in your bed all the time.
• 18:34
  Ellen: You
• 18:34
  Christie: know,
• 18:34
  Cheryl: that has to be a mutual, yeah, that's, you know.
• 18:37
  Cheryl: And actually, to support what you're saying, In meeting with, uh, moms over the years, there have been several who I would say definitely had this style approach, and they had a family bed, and what they wanted to process with is, how do I reconcile, um, meeting my child's emotional and bonding needs?
• 19:00
  Cheryl: And we're not talking about a three month old.
• 19:02
  Cheryl: These were three and four and five and Right.
• 19:06
  Cheryl: Maybe up to seven or eight year old.
• 19:08
  Cheryl: Mm hmm.
• 19:08
  Cheryl: And then my husband doesn't want this family bed anymore.
• 19:13
  Cheryl: And so it was a cause of tension in their marriage.
• 19:18
  Christie: Yeah.
• 19:18
  Christie: I think, I think another thing it can cause is you're talking about older ages, maybe a challenge in, um, differentiation with, with your children as they age.
• 19:29
  Christie: Like what?
• 19:30
  Christie: Um, well, a parent and child being overly attached in the younger years is.
• 19:35
  Christie: It's pretty normal and healthy, like you're saying, but as the child ages, there needs to be increasing autonomy that may be hard to sort out if you've become so close and bonded in every aspect of life.
• 19:49
  Christie: Kids
• 19:49
  Ellen: need to learn how to put themselves to sleep.
• 19:52
  Ellen: That is a skill.
• 19:52
  Ellen: So that's just one practical example.
• 19:54
  Ellen: That's just a skill that every human needs to learn how to do that.
• 19:58
  Ellen: And If they're constantly co sleeping, they don't really learn to be put down somewhere unless they're exhausted Let's
• 20:06
  Cheryl: see.
• 20:07
  Cheryl: I would say someone who has this lens saying They will sleep as an adult, but we want to meet their emotional needs and that's our priority.
• 20:17
  Cheryl: So we're willing to do this.
• 20:19
  Cheryl: So they would just say, no, their emotional, um, well being is prioritized over their
• 20:27
  Carol: sleep training But
• 20:29
  Ellen: the argument is that is part of their well being when they learn skills that are a little more autonomous.
• 20:36
  Christie: Was and we're we are talking about a style in a generalized way where this is a spectrum I'm sure if we had parents in the room, they would be able to give us nuanced Yeah.
• 20:46
  Christie: Sensitivities they have towards different age appropriate, um, approaches.
• 20:51
  Christie: Yes.
• 20:52
  Cheryl: And so we're just trying to give kind of a smorgasbord year of doing it.
• 20:56
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 20:57
  Cheryl: So let me ask you some questions.
• 20:58
  Cheryl: And to reflect on this attachment parenting style is, how do you see it helps with releasing?
• 21:06
  Cheryl: Because one of the things we say here all the time at TPP is, is that our job as parents is to prepare them for releasing all the way up to be a flourishing, autonomous, well developed, happy, loved individual.
• 21:24
  Cheryl: Right.
• 21:25
  Cheryl: Yeah Okay.
• 21:26
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 21:27
  Cheryl: I mean, that's what we would like.
• 21:28
  Cheryl: All right.
• 21:28
  Cheryl: So how does attachment parenting style affect that releasing process?
• 21:33
  Cheryl: How do you see that?
• 21:35
  Christie: Well, I can see some benefit because a person would be coming from strong, secure attachment.
• 21:41
  Christie: Yeah.
• 21:41
  Christie: And uh, A safe place that they have grown from, but like I said a minute ago, I can still, I can also see some challenges in those releasing years when you've become so intertwined with one another that it would be hard on the parent's heart.
• 22:00
  Christie: The child might feel some insecurity not knowing how to be dependent on themselves or the rest of their, you know, their community
• 22:09
  Cheryl: Okay, in an attachment parenting style, that's your childhood.
• 22:14
  Cheryl: How do you think that affects your relationships as an adult with others and then with your parents?
• 22:21
  Christie: That's an interesting thought, but if you've grown up with your emotional needs being priority to your caregiver, and then you step into relationships with the rest of the world who may not prioritize your emotional needs, that I can see where that would be challenging.
• 22:38
  Cheryl: You know, that's the problem.
• 22:39
  Cheryl: It's this, on paper, I think that sounds really
• 22:45
  Ellen: good, idealistic,
• 22:45
  Cheryl: but my concern would be.
• 22:49
  Cheryl: Um, self focus, it's the tendency, it's all about me, and I want this now.
• 22:57
  Cheryl: you know, that's a problem I struggle with.
• 22:59
  Cheryl: I wasn't raised like this, but my pride, my selfishness, I want it to be about me.
• 23:04
  Cheryl: Right.
• 23:06
  Cheryl: Yeah I want you to be thinking about me.
• 23:08
  Cheryl: I want my needs to be met.
• 23:11
  Cheryl: And I'm afraid if this isn't really in balance, that you might be raising someone who just is very self focused and thinks everybody's supposed to be healthy.
• 23:22
  Cheryl: I don't like
• 23:23
  Ellen: this job because my emotional needs were not being met when I was sweeping the floor in McDonald's.
• 23:28
  Ellen: Right.
• 23:28
  Ellen: You know?
• 23:29
  Ellen: It's, I think that's maybe the danger.
• 23:31
  Ellen: Yes.
• 23:32
  Ellen: Um, it's, it's really in the same way for interpersonal relationships.
• 23:37
  Ellen: You're not guaranteed that you're going to walk into a Um, other relationships where people are going to, you know, care about your emotional needs.
• 23:46
  Ellen: I mean, ultimately, that's the goal that we find one another that's going to do that, but that's pretty rare when you just are going out there, uh, in, in starting to function, your kids starting to go off to college or into the workforce or whatever.
• 24:01
  Ellen: They're no one's going to care right
• 24:03
  Christie: and I'm thinking of two people entering into a marriage say this were the best and only parenting approach if they had both been parented that way where their emotional needs should be the center of the world.
• 24:18
  Christie: And that's going to get old for the other one real fast.
• 24:20
  Christie: I mean, there's going to be a butting of heads really quickly.
• 24:25
  Cheryl: If someone were here that promoted this and believed it, they would say yes, but you have to understand and there's such an element of truth in all this, someone who's had their emotional needs met is going to be a balanced, loving person and then be able to love others well.
• 24:43
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 24:43
  Cheryl: I mean, I'm just saying.
• 24:44
  Cheryl: Well, and I
• 24:45
  Christie: think it goes back, a minute ago you said in balance, and I think balance is what we're headed for here, because we think back, you know, like you were sharing with your parents generation, emotional needs were not really on the radar.
• 24:59
  Christie: So we've made some progress in the right direction, if we can keep that balance.
• 25:03
  Christie: I agree.
• 25:04
  Cheryl: And so, um, That's what we want to do is not promote or bash this, but say parents look at this, consider pros and cons,
• 25:12
  Carol: yes and then the big question is why?
• 25:15
  Carol: Why do I parent the way I do?
• 25:17
  Carol: Whatever it is, to always ask why and what are my long term goals?
• 25:22
  Carol: How are we going to do this?
• 25:24
  Carol: And that's why we're covering these four basic styles.
• 25:27
  Ellen: And I think that's what you're touching on is really important because we still have two more styles to go through.
• 25:33
  Ellen: But I think Every parent should evaluate, I need all of these styles in my life.
• 25:38
  Ellen: I may have a primary style that I work out of, but all the styles have good things in them, and that makes me a better parent and a better person.
• 25:46
  Cheryl: That's right, Ellen, and listeners, that's why we want you to keep listening to the whole series.
• 25:52
  Cheryl: So that you can bring in what helps your family, And choose not to walk in some areas because you can see the pitfalls.
• 26:01
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 26:01
  Cheryl: Great.
• 26:02
  Cheryl: Excellent.
• 26:03
  Cheryl: Thank y'all so much.
• 26:04
  Cheryl: Okay, listeners, remember, hang in there, keep loving, keep persevering, because it's worth it.
• 26:17
  As we conclude our exploration of attachment parenting, I wanted to remind you one more time that the choice is not dis attachment or UN attachment versus attachment parenting.
• 26:30
  But that this particular focus emphasizes prioritizing the emotional needs of the child, which clearly has great benefits, but also concerns.
• 26:42
  I urge you to pause and reflect on the profound significance that emotional connection has within your parenting journey.
• 26:50
  As you contemplate the insights we shared today, I invite you to envision how the principles we discuss can shape your interactions with your children.
• 27:01
  So, what is one step you're inspired to take to strengthen your parenting in this particular area?
• 27:10
  I'd love to hear about it.
• 27:12
  Remember, if you ever find yourself in need of support or guidance along the way, TBP is here for you.
• 27:21
  Your journey is yours.
• 27:22
  This is our journey, and we're committed to walking alongside of you every step of the way.
• 27:29
  In fact, we've been receiving so much feedback from parents as they are listening to this series and evaluating their own styles and viewpoints, that we're going to dedicate an entire future episode to discuss their insights.
• 27:45
  And don't forget, we want to hear your voice, your thoughts, and your questions as well.
• 27:51
  Reach out to us on our website, social media platforms.
• 27:54
  Or by texting contact at the parentingpodcast.
• 27:58
  com.
• 28:00
  Until next time, keep nurturing those all important heart connections.
• 28:05
  See you soon.