Latest / Truth + Conversation / Truth + What Matters
Transcript
- What if the thing standing between you and the people you love isn't what's happening in your life, but the world you've created around it? In this deeply personal episode of Truth + Conversation, Gary John Bishop examines a listener's heartfelt email about the challenges of parenting an adult child whose life has taken an unexpected direction. What begins as a complicated account of fear, guilt, regret, uncertainty, and parental responsibility becomes an exploration of something far more fundamental: the difference between the world and the world as it occurs to you. And more importantly, what happens when you can't tell the difference? The World You Don't Know You're Living In Drawing on the ancient Greek philosopher Epictetus and his observation that people are disturbed not by things themselves, but by the views they take of those things, Gary introduces a powerful ontological distinction. We like to believe we're living in reality, responding to circumstances exactly as they are. But we're actually living in a world of interpretations, judgments, expectations, beliefs, and emotions that shape how reality occurs to us. And most of the time, we don't even recognize it. The listener's email reveals a world in which their experience is that something has gone wrong, something has been lost, something terrible might happen next, and they have no power to do anything about it. Within that world, fear, sadness, resentment, guilt, regret, and powerlessness aren't isolated problems. They're entirely consistent with the world this person is experiencing. But here's the trap. When you can't distinguish the world you're living in, you spend your life trying to solve the problems that world creates. And the more you struggle, the more consumed you become. The Future You Thought You Were Going to Have Gary explores something familiar to almost every parent: the imagined future we create for our children. From the moment they're born, we begin forming expectations about who they'll become, what they'll accomplish, and how their lives might unfold. But what happens when life takes a different direction? What happens when the person standing in front of you no longer fits the picture you've carried for years? You may experience grief, disappointment, confusion, or loss. Yet what you're grieving may not be the person at all. You may be grieving a future that never actually happened. And when you become attached to that imagined future, you risk losing your connection with the person who's here now. When Love and Control Become Entangled There's another challenge that comes with parenting adult children. For years, you're responsible for guiding, protecting, and making decisions for another human being. Then that person becomes an adult and begins exercising authority over their own life. Your love doesn't disappear. Your concern doesn't disappear. But your authority changes. How do you love somebody, believe they might be making a mistake, and still allow them to live their own life? Gary examines how good intentions can become controlling behaviour, how genuine concern can be experienced as interference, and how two people can find themselves reacting to one another without understanding the other's experience. Because caring about somebody doesn't give you ownership of their life. Authenticity Isn't Saying Everything You Think One of the episode's most challenging distinctions concerns authenticity. The listener describes suppressing their feelings, monitoring their behaviour, and attempting to say and do the right things. But Gary challenges the idea that authenticity means simply expressing everything you're feeling. That's candour, not necessarily authenticity. Authenticity begins with taking responsibility for your own experience rather than imposing your world on somebody else. It means acknowledging your fear, uncertainty, and confusion without making another person responsible for resolving them. And it means recognizing the impact your way of being has had on your relationships. What Have You Allowed to Get in the Way of What Matters? At the heart of the listener's email is one small, easily overlooked declaration: "I love this kid. A good heart and a good human." Amid the fears, diagnoses, categories, judgments, regrets, and expectations, there it is. The thing that matters most. Gary returns to Epictetus to examine how the views we take of life's circumstances can become so consuming that we lose sight of what was important all along. The love hasn't necessarily disappeared. It's gotten lost in the world we're living in. And this isn't simply an episode about parenting, gender identity, or navigating family relationships. It's about all of us. The people we love. The expectations we carry. The stories we defend. The resentment we hold onto. The relationships we struggle to create while remaining attached to the past. This episode invites you to confront the world you've been living in, recognize its impact, and rediscover what's genuinely important. Because perhaps the question isn't how to fix everything that's happening in your life. Perhaps the question is: What have I allowed to get in the way of what matters to me most? Listen to Truth + Conversation with Gary John Bishop, and if this episode makes a difference for you, follow the show and share it with somebody who needs to hear it.