Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / Resilience is Relational

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Resilience is Relational · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:06
  Speaker 1: Hello, and welcome to the Happy Families podcast. Today we're
• 0:08
  Speaker 1: talking about resilience. I know it's an eye roll, and
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  Speaker 1: you've heard it a million times. It's been one of
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  Speaker 1: the core values of your children's school, I'm sure for
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  Speaker 1: the last ten, twenty thirty years, but probably today our
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  Speaker 1: conversation is going to be about resilience in a way
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  Speaker 1: that most people are not thinking about it.
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  Speaker 2: When you think of the most common cultural narrative around resilience,
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  Speaker 2: it's the whole tough enough princess figure it out yourself,
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  Speaker 2: you know, white knuckling it, getting up after every fall,
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  Speaker 2: you know that kind of.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, just like pull yourself up by your bootstraps and
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  Speaker 1: show that you can coind of just suck it up. Yeah,
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  Speaker 1: and it's very much. I have to say it's individualistic
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  Speaker 1: today well, resilience is typically seen as individual grittiness. We
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  Speaker 1: make the argument that resilience is relational. What does that
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  Speaker 1: mean and how does help our kids to be resilient
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  Speaker 1: when their world is crumbling and they can't do the
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  Speaker 1: mass problem or clean up their bedroom or deal with
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  Speaker 1: a friendship challenge. We'll tell you all about it. Stay
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  Speaker 1: with us. That's next. Gooday, Welcome to the Happy Families
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  Speaker 1: podcast where you get real parenting solutions every single day.
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  Speaker 1: This is Australia's most downloaded parenting podcast. We are Justin
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  Speaker 1: and Kylie Coursen were the parents of six children, six daughters,
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  Speaker 1: and we have dealt with emotional downs and challenges and
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  Speaker 1: school refusal and if you are dealing with a challenge
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  Speaker 1: in your family, we've dealt with it. I reckon most
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  Speaker 1: of them. You're looking at me like, maybe that's overstating it.
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  Speaker 1: Most of them? Can I say most of them? All
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  Speaker 1: of them?
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  Speaker 2: Me you, So we've all dealt with it.
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  Speaker 1: I want to share a story. This year, in my
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  Speaker 1: efforts to become fitter, we have organized for some personal
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  Speaker 1: training and I didn't really want to say anything about
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  Speaker 1: it because I don't want people to feel like they
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  Speaker 1: have to notice my muscles when they see me the
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  Speaker 1: next But I'm just putting it out there that I've.
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  Speaker 2: Got to if you haven't worked it out, guys, Justin
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  Speaker 2: likes a bit of prayse.
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  Speaker 1: No, no, yeah, he praise. Anyway, let me share the
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  Speaker 1: story because this really applies to resilience being relational, which
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  Speaker 1: is what we're talking about today on the pod. Recently
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  Speaker 1: had our pt guide me through a workout, and he
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  Speaker 1: asked me to do a plank or a bridge, whatever
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  Speaker 1: you want to call it, where you're on your elbows
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  Speaker 1: and you've got your feet out behind you and you
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  Speaker 1: just you've just got a hold on it. It's a
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  Speaker 1: real core kind of thing. And he wanted me to
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  Speaker 1: go for two minutes, one hundred and twenty painful seconds,
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  Speaker 1: and I mean, it's just a horrible exercise, full stop,
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  Speaker 1: end of story. By sixty seconds, I wanted to stop.
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  Speaker 1: I had the shakes, I was in pain. I was
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  Speaker 1: starting to make strange sounds like oh, that kind of stuff.
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  Speaker 1: And then I hear his voice. He goes, nice, he's
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  Speaker 1: got an English accent. He's a pom. But I don't
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  Speaker 1: know how to do an English accent. But he said, nice,
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  Speaker 1: you're halfway there, only sixty seconds to go. You've got this,
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  Speaker 1: And I stopped shaking. I steadied myself. I put myself
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  Speaker 1: together thirty seconds later, at ninety seconds, and at this
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  Speaker 1: point I was not steady anymore. I was pretty sure
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  Speaker 1: I was done. And then again he just goes, you're
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  Speaker 1: doing well, super strong, justin just thirty seconds to go,
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  Speaker 1: with fifteen seconds left, I was pretty sure I was
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  Speaker 1: going to just collapse and hit the floor. The strange
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  Speaker 1: noises were increasing. I was gasping for air. I was
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  Speaker 1: about to tell him that I hated him, but I
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  Speaker 1: couldn't form the words because I was in so much
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  Speaker 1: pain and I was not sure that I was going
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  Speaker 1: to survive.
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  Speaker 2: Before you knew it, fifteen seconds was up.
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  Speaker 1: Well, he's literally he's just gone so close. Now you're
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  Speaker 1: doing it. Let me count you down, ten, nine, eight,
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  Speaker 1: down to one. And then I collapsed and he high
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  Speaker 1: five to the air because I couldn't lift up my underve.
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  Speaker 1: And then I had this realization. I mean, I've been
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  Speaker 1: talking a lot about resilience for years, and I've done
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  Speaker 1: a number of sessions over the last couple of weeks
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  Speaker 1: in schools and other places talking about resilience. But I
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  Speaker 1: had this recognition. Yes, I was the one who did
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  Speaker 1: the exercise. I was the one who held myself up
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  Speaker 1: for one hundred and twenty seconds, but he was the
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  Speaker 1: one who helped me to be resilient. I was going
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  Speaker 1: to quit at the halfway point. Without him, I wouldn't
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  Speaker 1: have done it. And I just thought to myself, resilience
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  Speaker 1: is relational.
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  Speaker 2: So yesterday, we went bike riding with our fifteen year
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  Speaker 2: old daughter. She hasn't ridden with you before, and the
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  Speaker 2: two of you took off and left me for dead.
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  Speaker 1: Well, well, to be clear, she took off and I
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  Speaker 1: looked at you and said should I go with her
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  Speaker 1: or should I stay with you? And you said follow her,
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  Speaker 1: so I then chased her. I just don't want anyone
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  Speaker 1: to think that I abandoned.
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  Speaker 2: I felt abandoned. I'm telling you now, well she because
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  Speaker 2: as I continued on my ride.
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  Speaker 1: Into those headwinds, I.
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  Speaker 2: Just felt so depleted, so weak, and about maybe five
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  Speaker 2: or so minutes into the ride, an older couple rode
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  Speaker 2: past me, just like it was like driving Miss Daisy, Right,
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  Speaker 2: it was so effortless.
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  Speaker 1: In the last seventies, and you're thinking, how is it.
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  Speaker 2: Pop If I can just stick on with them, Well,
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  Speaker 2: we got to a hill they left me for dead,
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  Speaker 2: but I could see them on the horizon and it
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  Speaker 2: was enough to push me knowing that you guys were
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  Speaker 2: at the other end. And I was so grateful for
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  Speaker 2: them because even though I never caught them, I had
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  Speaker 2: someone there kind of urging me on.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah, So Emmy Werner is a researcher that is
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  Speaker 1: maybe one of the most important researchers in the world
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  Speaker 1: when it comes to this topic of resilience. She did
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  Speaker 1: this thing called the Kawhi Longitudinal Study, followed these at
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  Speaker 1: risk kids for forty plus years, and I'd love to
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  Speaker 1: get into the nitty gritty of the study, but for
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  Speaker 1: today's purposes, the one thing that really matters is that
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  Speaker 1: the kids who thrived despite adversity all had at least
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  Speaker 1: one stable caring relationship.
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  Speaker 2: That was it.
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  Speaker 1: There were other factors that were important, but one stable
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  Speaker 1: caring relationship seemed to be the variable, the factor that
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  Speaker 1: differentiated the children who were resilient throughout a very very
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  Speaker 1: hard life versus those who were not resilient and had
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  Speaker 1: ongoing struggles, just like their parents before them and their
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  Speaker 1: grandparents before them.
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  Speaker 2: We've shared this a few times on the podcast now,
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  Speaker 2: but I look back on my life and outside of
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  Speaker 2: my parents, there was always one adult, one adult figure
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  Speaker 2: that was just my go to person for when life
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  Speaker 2: got tough, especially when I would struggle with relationship issues
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  Speaker 2: with my parents or whatever. There was this one person
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  Speaker 2: there that was my champion, kind of cheering me on
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  Speaker 2: and helping me to see with greater perspective and clarity
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  Speaker 2: around the challenges that I was experiencing. But on top
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  Speaker 2: of that, you particularly have shared with the girls multiple
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  Speaker 2: stories over the years of people who have done like
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  Speaker 2: incredible thing things, but when you look at how they
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  Speaker 2: accomplished it, inevitably there was one person.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, it's very very rare that you see somebody who
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  Speaker 1: is simply a standout and they've done it all themselves.
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  Speaker 2: Well, there's that kind of kind of cheesy saying behind
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  Speaker 2: every good man is.
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  Speaker 1: A great woman, great woman or whatever.
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  Speaker 2: Right, But at the end of the day, it's kind
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  Speaker 2: of true. Not necessarily from a gender perspective, but anybody
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  Speaker 2: who gets to the top of anything hasn't done it.
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  Speaker 2: I've isolated.
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  Speaker 1: I think it was Newton who said, if I've seen further,
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  Speaker 1: it's only because I've stood on the shoulders of giants. Yeah,
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  Speaker 1: so there's another state. I guess at the heart of this.
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  Speaker 1: It's not about toughness. Resilience is not about being tougher
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  Speaker 1: than everyone else. It's not about rugged independence. You use
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  Speaker 1: the term white knuckling in the intro. It's not about that.
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  Speaker 1: It's actually about connection. It's about relationships, having people in
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  Speaker 1: your orbit. The Harvard Study of Adult Development sometimes called
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  Speaker 1: the Grant Study, eighty five plus years of data, same conclusion.
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  Speaker 1: Relationships are everything for resilience and well being. Whatever studies
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  Speaker 1: you look at, they consistently say resilience is relational. So
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  Speaker 1: what does that mean for us? What does that mean
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  Speaker 1: for our children? What does that mean for our families?
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  Speaker 1: We're going to unpack that so that you can apply
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  Speaker 1: it in your home or classroom. Right after this, we're back.
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  Speaker 1: This is the Happy Families podcast. Today we're talking about resilience.
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  Speaker 2: Well, you've really highlighted that resilience is such a relational thing.
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  Speaker 2: So how does this impact us and specifically our children.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, so let's say you've got child who's struggling with
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  Speaker 1: some homework or some reading, or I don't know, struggling
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  Speaker 1: cleaning their room. Cleaning their room. Yeah, one of my
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  Speaker 1: favorite stories. This is really your story. I feel bad
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  Speaker 1: sharing it. You can jump in and take over. One
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  Speaker 1: of our kids was not able to clean her room,
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  Speaker 1: and so you went and sat on the bed and
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  Speaker 1: said I'll help you, and she said, thanks mommy. And
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  Speaker 1: you didn't clean the room, but what you did do
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  Speaker 1: was your offered support. You sat on the bed and said,
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  Speaker 1: I wonder if there's three things that you can see
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  Speaker 1: that are really easy to put away. If you were
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  Speaker 1: to just pick three things, what would they be? And
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  Speaker 1: so she put them away, and you just kept on
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  Speaker 1: doing that. At one point you're like, I've got to
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  Speaker 1: go to the kitchen and do something. I'll be back
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  Speaker 1: in ninety seconds. See how much you can do before
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  Speaker 1: I get back. She was able to clean her room.
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  Speaker 1: It just felt like it was too big to do
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  Speaker 1: on her own, but once she had somebody sitting there
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  Speaker 1: and supporting her, she was able to work it out.
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  Speaker 2: I know, I was a young mum, like literally feeling
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  Speaker 2: so overwhelmed by the task of the day that I
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  Speaker 2: would sometimes call a friend and say, can you just
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  Speaker 2: come and watch me clean, like just be in my space.
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  Speaker 2: I just need somebody to kind of just be there.
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  Speaker 1: Resilience is relational, right, and they would.
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  Speaker 2: Come over and inevitably they would end up helping me
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  Speaker 2: a bit. But that wasn't actually what I needed. I
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  Speaker 2: just needed communication. I need somebody there that I could
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  Speaker 2: relate to and chat with and just forget the big
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  Speaker 2: task but break it down into small increments.
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  Speaker 1: I mean, we're supposed to be talking about parenting and kids.
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  Speaker 1: But let me share another adult example. I remember, maybe
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  Speaker 1: ten or fifteen years ago, we were living in Woollongong
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  Speaker 1: and a friend of ours was hospitalized with mental health challenges,
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  Speaker 1: and there was very real concerns that she was not
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  Speaker 1: going to be okay. And you went and visited with
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  Speaker 1: her and sat in that hospital room and just let
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  Speaker 1: her cry, and you hugged her and listened to her.
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  Speaker 1: It stayed there for hours, and at the end of it,
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  Speaker 1: she kind of looked at you and just said, I
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  Speaker 1: just needed someone to hear me. And within a couple
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  Speaker 1: of days she was out of hospital and made a
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  Speaker 1: full recovery and has clearly had an up and down
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  Speaker 1: life since them, because we all do. But she's fine,
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  Speaker 1: Like she's doing great ten or ten years down the track.
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  Speaker 1: Resilience is relational, like no matter how you pull it apart. Kid,
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  Speaker 1: When I was a kid, my dad saw that I
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  Speaker 1: was struggling with cricket. They had me enrolled in a
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  Speaker 1: cricket team. I was struggling with it and Dad said,
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  Speaker 1: it looks like cricket's hard. You need to practice. Let's
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  Speaker 1: go down to the nets. Like he took me down
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  Speaker 1: there and practiced with me. I was never going to practice.
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  Speaker 1: Oh incidentally, I was always told to practice the piano
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  Speaker 1: on my own. Go in there and practice the piano
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  Speaker 1: for thirty minutes. But if my parents had sat with
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  Speaker 1: me and talked about what I was doing and shared
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  Speaker 1: with me things that they were enjoying or what they
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  Speaker 1: remember the teacher saying, maybe I'd actually be able to
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  Speaker 1: play the piano today.
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  Speaker 2: That's where grandparents play this beautiful role often in our kids' lives,
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  Speaker 2: because they've got the time to just sit with them
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  Speaker 2: and encourage them and work with them. And the crazy
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  Speaker 2: thing is we've been taught that helping too much actually
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  Speaker 2: makes our kids.
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  Speaker 1: Soft, right, it's.
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  Speaker 2: The absolute opposite. Yes, as we help our kids, we
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  Speaker 2: actually expand their capacity.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, people think like, oh, no, I'm making my child
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  Speaker 1: dependent on me if I sit with them and help
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  Speaker 1: them clean the room. No, you're not. You're actually sitting
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  Speaker 1: there and saying, I value the relationship. I can see
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  Speaker 1: a struggling here's some support, and you're actually you're literally
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  Speaker 1: building competence capacity. You're helping them to see that they
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  Speaker 1: can do it and literally building their resilience by being
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  Speaker 1: there and buy so long as you don't do too
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  Speaker 1: much by helping them a little bit.
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  Speaker 2: But resilience isn't about never need any anybody's help. It's
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  Speaker 2: about recognizing when.
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  Speaker 1: You do need help, that you.
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  Speaker 2: Have the capacity to ask for it. And when we
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  Speaker 2: teach our kids that they've got to do it on
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  Speaker 2: their own. You wonder how we grow up as adults
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  Speaker 2: thinking I can't ask anyone because that would mean I'm weak.
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  Speaker 1: Right when we're doing a plank, when we're doing homework
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  Speaker 1: or music lessons, when we're trying to learn how to
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  Speaker 1: play cricket, when we're struggling down on the bike, it
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  Speaker 1: doesn't matter what it is. Right like when there are
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  Speaker 1: other people in your orbit, you are going to be
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  Speaker 1: more resilient. Resilience is relational.
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  Speaker 2: If we could give you one practical takeaway from today's conversation,
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  Speaker 2: it would be that when your kids are struggling, move closer,
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  Speaker 2: not further away.
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  Speaker 1: Great take home message, your voice, your presence, your belief,
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  Speaker 1: the words that you say become their in a voice.
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  Speaker 1: Resilience isn't doing it alone. It's knowing that you're not
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  Speaker 1: aligned while you're doing it. Yeah, ah, all right, Hey,
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  Speaker 1: we really hope it's been useful. I've got a book
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  Speaker 1: called Nine Ways to a Resilient Child. You can find
• 13:01
  Speaker 1: Nine Ways to a Resilient Child wherever you buy books,
• 13:04
  Speaker 1: check it out online, grab a copy. It'll make your
• 13:06
  Speaker 1: family more resilient. The Happy Families podcast is produced by
• 13:09
  Speaker 1: Justin Rulon from Bridge Media. We appreciate all the admin
• 13:12
  Speaker 1: and additional support from Mim Hammonds as well. Hey, tomorrow
• 13:15
  Speaker 1: we're talking about how to do homeschooling. We've had a
• 13:18
  Speaker 1: number of questions come through about that, so join us
• 13:20
  Speaker 1: for what's a really interesting conversation around that, and for
• 13:23
  Speaker 1: more resources to make you family happier, especially an ADHD
• 13:27
  Speaker 1: course for families who are struggling. Check out Happyfamilies dot
• 13:30
  Speaker 1: com dot au.