Latest / Stuff Mom Never Told You / SMNTY Presents On Theme: TV FOMO IRL
Transcript
- 0:05Speaker 1: Hey, this is Annie and Samantha and all the stuff
- 0:07Speaker 1: I'll never told your production for iHeartRadio, and today we
- 0:19Speaker 1: have a treat for you, a very special treat. So,
- 0:24Speaker 1: as you know, our good friend Eves has started a
- 0:29Speaker 1: new podcast that you've heard Eve's on here doing various
- 0:34Speaker 1: Female First also some other episodes. You also heard her
- 0:38Speaker 1: and her co host over on their podcast on Theme
- 0:41Speaker 1: Katie come on and talk about the importance of black storytelling.
- 0:45Speaker 2: And we really love.
- 0:48Speaker 1: Talking to them, we love working with them. They sent
- 0:51Speaker 1: us a card. We gushed about it in the most
- 0:53Speaker 1: recent Female First. I saw it today and I was
- 0:56Speaker 1: once again overwhelmed by like oh, and so we really
- 1:00Speaker 1: wanted to highlight that if you haven't gone to listen
- 1:04Speaker 1: to the show yet, if you haven't subscribed, we wanted
- 1:08Speaker 1: to give you a taste of it.
- 1:10Speaker 2: Because it is really really good.
- 1:12Speaker 1: They've done such a good job and they have so
- 1:14Speaker 1: many topics that just fit naturally into what we talk about.
- 1:18Speaker 1: They're just a if you're interested in this show, you'd
- 1:21Speaker 1: be interested in this.
- 1:22Speaker 3: Yes, and then you also need to be subscribed for
- 1:26Speaker 3: when they actually come out with my excited act, Like
- 1:29Speaker 3: I'm already excited for the Cinderella Brandy Cinderella episode, which
- 1:33Speaker 3: I have been begging them to do and they promised
- 1:34Speaker 3: that they would.
- 1:36Speaker 1: It was honestly, it was a heartfelt campaign and you succeeded.
- 1:39Speaker 2: I'm pretty sure. I can't wait. I'm excited about it too.
- 1:46Speaker 1: We could do like a group event, we could replay
- 1:48Speaker 1: the episode.
- 1:51Speaker 2: Let's do this. Yes, I think we can. I think
- 1:53Speaker 2: we can.
- 1:55Speaker 1: So you might hear a few because we had a
- 1:58Speaker 1: hard time picking what episode we wanted to run in
- 2:01Speaker 1: our feed from on Theme because there's also one about horror,
- 2:05Speaker 1: and you know we're all about horror. But today we
- 2:08Speaker 1: are going to play an episode called TV fomo irl
- 2:14Speaker 1: in which Katie and Eves talk with doctor Joy Harden
- 2:18Speaker 1: Bradford of Therapy for Black Girls. And it's just a
- 2:21Speaker 1: great fit for the show, and we hope that you
- 2:26Speaker 1: enjoy it. Please go subscribe And yeah, we'll hopefully get
- 2:31Speaker 1: to talk more about this later with Eves and Katie,
- 2:34Speaker 1: but yes, in the meantime, please enjoy.
- 2:38Speaker 4: On Theme is a production of iHeartRadio and fair Weather
- 2:41Speaker 4: Friends Media.
- 2:49Speaker 2: You are.
- 2:58Speaker 5: Today's episode TV Fomo i RL. You ever be watching
- 3:05Speaker 5: a show and see the characters experiencing something that you
- 3:08Speaker 5: never experienced and be like.
- 3:11Speaker 4: I ain't never had that ever happened to me.
- 3:14Speaker 2: I'm trying to get see what that be like, right.
- 3:16Speaker 4: Dam Look, yeah, they do live in their best lives
- 3:21Speaker 4: and I'm just over here watching them from my average life.
- 3:25Speaker 5: But I mean, you don't have to just sit and watch.
- 3:26Speaker 5: You could could what you know, use those characters as
- 3:30Speaker 5: a blueprint and do what they're doing.
- 3:32Speaker 2: So you're saying I should mimic a TV show in.
- 3:35Speaker 5: My real life, I mean when you say it like that,
- 3:37Speaker 5: so how would you say it? Like you never seen
- 3:40Speaker 5: something on TV or a movie or read something in
- 3:43Speaker 5: a book and thought, I want that to happen to me.
- 3:45Speaker 2: Yeah, for sure I have. Who hasn't exactly our inspires.
- 3:49Speaker 5: It's so hard not to compare our lives to the
- 3:51Speaker 5: storylines we see on the screen and on the page.
- 3:53Speaker 4: But unlike television and movies, real life doesn't give us
- 3:57Speaker 4: second takes or feed us lines. There are no copy
- 4:00Speaker 4: editors are fact checkers, and our day to day lives.
- 4:03Speaker 5: In this week's episode, we'll look back at the times
- 4:05Speaker 5: we compared our lives to fictional storylines, and we're in
- 4:08Speaker 5: for a rude Awakening.
- 4:10Speaker 4: We'll explore the potential negative impacts of life attempting to
- 4:13Speaker 4: imitate art with doctor Joy Harden Bradford of Therapy for
- 4:17Speaker 4: Black Girls.
- 4:18Speaker 5: I'm Katie, the author of the forthcoming anthology about black
- 4:21Speaker 5: bookstores in the United States, Prose to the People.
- 4:23Speaker 4: And I'm Eves, a writer, a yoga teacher and student,
- 4:27Speaker 4: and a person who loves to be outdoors.
- 4:29Speaker 5: We talk a lot about how stories have impacted us.
- 4:32Speaker 4: Yes, we have an entire podcast dedicated to black storytelling indeed.
- 4:36Speaker 5: Facts, And I've been thinking about the way storytelling can
- 4:40Speaker 5: negatively impact us, like not in a traumatic way, but
- 4:43Speaker 5: kind of in a bum us out, give us fellmo
- 4:45Speaker 5: type of way.
- 4:46Speaker 2: Fear of missing out is real.
- 4:47Speaker 4: But that phrase usually comes up when people are talking
- 4:50Speaker 4: about social media.
- 4:52Speaker 5: Yeah, which is its own form of storytelling. Like you
- 4:54Speaker 5: see someone having a great time in Bali, and now
- 4:56Speaker 5: all of a sudden you want to go to Bali.
- 4:58Speaker 5: Can't point to Bali on them, mat, but do you
- 5:00Speaker 5: want a flower bass?
- 5:02Speaker 4: Okay, that's really specific, but it was a self track, gotcha.
- 5:07Speaker 5: But I found myself judging people who, from my perspective,
- 5:10Speaker 5: were copying other people's lives. They saw on social media
- 5:12Speaker 5: then posting it on social media. But after doing so
- 5:15Speaker 5: much needed self reflection, I came to the conclusion that
- 5:18Speaker 5: I do that too. Using social media and more traditional
- 5:21Speaker 5: forms of media, I.
- 5:23Speaker 2: Can see the vacation thing it is giving.
- 5:25Speaker 4: I'm out being adventurous and you're sitting at home on
- 5:29Speaker 4: the couch like you always do, not going to diva university.
- 5:34Speaker 5: And a little made outfit.
- 5:36Speaker 2: Right.
- 5:37Speaker 5: Wait what it was a love and hip hop reference only.
- 5:43Speaker 2: The Real Night only show You Are You?
- 5:50Speaker 6: Left You?
- 5:51Speaker 4: I'm loose, I'm floating in the universe. There's nothing but
- 5:54Speaker 4: ether around me and darkness. Hey, I don't be watching
- 5:58Speaker 4: reality TV anyway. So, like, what storylines from TV left
- 6:03Speaker 4: you feeling disappointed? Is it easier for TV shows to
- 6:07Speaker 4: leave you feeling disappointed as compared to social media?
- 6:10Speaker 5: I mean, yeah, I think TV shows really do it
- 6:12Speaker 5: for me. Like, sure, the conflict you know they have
- 6:16Speaker 5: is often wrapped up nicely at some point, and they
- 6:18Speaker 5: might have like a special destination episode or whatever. But
- 6:21Speaker 5: generally what you're watching on TV is their quote unquote
- 6:26Speaker 5: normal lives. So I'm like, damn, I want my normal
- 6:28Speaker 5: life to be like that.
- 6:30Speaker 4: Yeah, yeah, because you're really going along for the ride
- 6:32Speaker 4: with them, like you have more time that you spend
- 6:34Speaker 4: with them, And especially for a longer series, every episode
- 6:38Speaker 4: can be this huge special day. There has to be
- 6:40Speaker 4: a lot more filler and just a lot more things
- 6:43Speaker 4: that happen in general.
- 6:44Speaker 5: Yeah, and it's like the mundane things. I'd be like, wow,
- 6:48Speaker 5: I can't even have the mundane things. For example, one
- 6:52Speaker 5: thing that I found myself being disappointed by in my
- 6:56Speaker 5: life comparing it to TV series was therapy.
- 7:00Speaker 2: Hmmm, like talking to a therapist.
- 7:02Speaker 5: Yeah, Like I had put it off for a year
- 7:04Speaker 5: or two, but I kept seeing TV therapists work wonders
- 7:07Speaker 5: for their clients, like they were so prepared for their sessions,
- 7:10Speaker 5: deeply interested in seeing their clients improved, and their offices
- 7:14Speaker 5: were cutes, And I was like, Okay, it sounds like
- 7:17Speaker 5: that wasn't your experience, girl, not at all. I'm not
- 7:21Speaker 5: even trying to be funny. I've had multiple therapists confuse
- 7:23Speaker 5: me for other clients. They're like, oh, what about what
- 7:27Speaker 5: about your pet dogs? Miss and Leg? I'm like, what
- 7:30Speaker 5: are you talking about wrong, bitch?
- 7:33Speaker 2: Yeah.
- 7:33Speaker 5: Yeah, Like the therapists I've had were nothing like Molly's therapists.
- 7:37Speaker 7: On Insecure two weeks ago, you said things should be
- 7:42Speaker 7: easier for me as a successful black woman, and another
- 7:45Speaker 7: time you said things should have fallen into place by now.
- 7:49Speaker 7: Is there a certain way you think your life should go?
- 7:52Speaker 2: Oh?
- 7:53Speaker 6: Well, I mean I do have specific life goals, and
- 7:56Speaker 6: I think that if you work hard than it is
- 7:58Speaker 6: shot to you certain results.
- 8:01Speaker 7: There's a medical term called magical thinking, when we believe
- 8:06Speaker 7: what we want can influence the external world, as opposed
- 8:09Speaker 7: to accepting things as they are.
- 8:11Speaker 4: Yeah, I can really tell that the therapist is keyed
- 8:14Speaker 4: into Molly bringing up something that she said two weeks
- 8:16Speaker 4: ago to establish a pattern introducing medical terms.
- 8:20Speaker 5: See and for me, you know, we came into adulthood
- 8:23Speaker 5: when folks were openly embracing therapy. So I had this
- 8:26Speaker 5: notion that I should go look at me. Sounded like Moley,
- 8:30Speaker 5: but it was depictions like this. It made me think
- 8:32Speaker 5: that a therapist would really help me.
- 8:34Speaker 4: I can see how that's disappointing, because therapy is one
- 8:36Speaker 4: of those things that it's hard to understand before you
- 8:39Speaker 4: try it yourself. So these fictional portrayals make sense to
- 8:42Speaker 4: use as an example for someone who hasn't been before
- 8:46Speaker 4: my thoughts exactly.
- 8:47Speaker 5: It's weird to ask someone, you know, like, how's your
- 8:50Speaker 5: therapy session, which I'll talk about, how did it make
- 8:52Speaker 5: you feel?
- 8:53Speaker 2: I've been wanted to though, honestly, but it is a little.
- 8:56Speaker 6: Weird, you know, just a little bit.
- 8:58Speaker 5: And because of the nature of therapy, when it's therapist
- 9:00Speaker 5: shows up in a show, they're mostly there to help
- 9:02Speaker 5: a main character with a personal conundrum or reach an epiphany,
- 9:06Speaker 5: and you were.
- 9:06Speaker 2: Hoping you'd find a therapist who do the same for you.
- 9:09Speaker 5: Yes, girl, main character energy, But alas life isn't a story,
- 9:14Speaker 5: and I am not a character. I am a nonfictional person.
- 9:20Speaker 5: Say it out loud, I'm a nonfictional person. So how
- 9:24Speaker 5: did you handle that disappointment with your therapist? Did you
- 9:27Speaker 5: shop around?
- 9:28Speaker 4: No?
- 9:28Speaker 5: I stop seeing my therapists for reasons related more to
- 9:31Speaker 5: capitalism and America's messed up healthcare system. I mean, I
- 9:35Speaker 5: thought about getting another one, but the thought of having
- 9:38Speaker 5: to let someone else get to know me and my
- 9:40Speaker 5: issues was too exhausting.
- 9:43Speaker 2: What about you.
- 9:43Speaker 5: Do you have a life imitating art moment?
- 9:46Speaker 7: Yeah?
- 9:46Speaker 2: I do, for sure.
- 9:47Speaker 4: I mean, speaking of insecure, one thing that I see
- 9:50Speaker 4: on TV a lot that just has not been my
- 9:52Speaker 4: experience is the large but somehow close knit friend group.
- 9:57Speaker 4: You know, sometimes it's a pretty big group, like six people,
- 10:01Speaker 4: and sometimes there's like a base of three or four
- 10:04Speaker 4: people and then a concentric circle around that Kora folks.
- 10:07Speaker 2: But either way, the group of friends is close.
- 10:10Speaker 4: I mean they all know each other super well and
- 10:13Speaker 4: have for a while, and a lot of instances they
- 10:16Speaker 4: can hit each other up in the week hours of
- 10:18Speaker 4: the morning about anything.
- 10:19Speaker 2: They're down for last minute plans.
- 10:21Speaker 4: They go on vacations together, they move cities, countries and
- 10:25Speaker 4: stay friends. And they've been doing stuff like having immediate
- 10:29Speaker 4: urgent group calls about drama that's going down in that
- 10:32Speaker 4: very moment, and also the drama a lot of times
- 10:34Speaker 4: isn't even that urgent, and they still be picking up
- 10:36Speaker 4: the phone. They're always debriefing and whatnot. Like in this
- 10:40Speaker 4: clip from twenties, this is the first attament I reupholstered
- 10:43Speaker 4: for you.
- 10:44Speaker 2: Now it's ruined.
- 10:45Speaker 6: Yeah, who are you calling Tucks so we can come
- 10:47Speaker 6: help us pack up your We aren't packing up, okay,
- 10:51Speaker 6: we are going to Centerspiel. I am ready to get
- 10:53Speaker 6: my life from all about e.
- 10:55Speaker 5: You just got evicted and you trying to go sit
- 10:57Speaker 5: on the grass and watch a movie.
- 10:59Speaker 4: Yes, or like living single girlfriends Harlem, et cetera. The
- 11:04Speaker 4: examples of this go on where there are friend groups
- 11:07Speaker 4: that are relatively large but still very close knit.
- 11:13Speaker 7: Yeah.
- 11:13Speaker 5: I think something that ours both have in common is
- 11:15Speaker 5: like wanting to be like really known by somebody and feeling.
- 11:20Speaker 2: Like, is this the therapist?
- 11:23Speaker 5: Okay, well tell me what Joe Daddy is. But I mean,
- 11:31Speaker 5: as someone who's known you for a long time, I'm
- 11:33Speaker 5: surprised that this was your example because I see you
- 11:36Speaker 5: as having that. I'm like, yeah, like you know, you
- 11:39Speaker 5: have your college friends and y'all be having all joint
- 11:41Speaker 5: birthday parties and going out the country together, and I'm like, wait,
- 11:46Speaker 5: what's going on?
- 11:46Speaker 2: I thought that was I thought that would it was.
- 11:48Speaker 5: So it's interesting that you, like don't experience it that way.
- 11:51Speaker 2: I really don't.
- 11:52Speaker 4: I don't because I guess when I see it. And
- 11:54Speaker 4: maybe that is the whole the fact that a TV
- 11:57Speaker 4: show has a whole mythology around it and as an
- 11:59Speaker 4: industry created to make these specific moments look like this.
- 12:03Speaker 4: But to me, it feels like the friend groups they
- 12:05Speaker 4: all mesh in a way differently than my friend groups MESH.
- 12:08Speaker 4: I feel like everything is segmented for me, Like I
- 12:12Speaker 4: feel like this, Yeah, I have these friends that I
- 12:14Speaker 4: do this thing with, and I have these friends over
- 12:16Speaker 4: here who I do this with. But for me, in shows,
- 12:19Speaker 4: it feels like those friend groups. Every dotty crisscross is
- 12:23Speaker 4: like a big web and everything meets in the center.
- 12:26Speaker 4: And also I also think like the logistics work differently
- 12:31Speaker 4: in the shows. I think this is like I got
- 12:33Speaker 4: to schedule this. I've been trying for a month to
- 12:35Speaker 4: get with these two friends at the same time and
- 12:38Speaker 4: it hasn't worked out because our schedules are very misaligned.
- 12:40Speaker 2: Yeah, and we don't be group calling at all now.
- 12:46Speaker 4: Ye, Like there's just a level of synergy in kinship
- 12:49Speaker 4: that I don't feel like I have in the same
- 12:52Speaker 4: way that I see in shows. It feels very flowery
- 12:56Speaker 4: and it feels very poetic in shows and ways that
- 13:00Speaker 4: it doesn't feel like in my life. And so I
- 13:02Speaker 4: don't want to make it seem like I don't have
- 13:04Speaker 4: people I love in my life and then I'm close
- 13:05Speaker 4: to it just doesn't work the same way that I've
- 13:08Speaker 4: seen it shows, and I find myself like being like.
- 13:11Speaker 2: That looks really nice.
- 13:12Speaker 5: Yeah, it's like you don't see the Hey can you
- 13:17Speaker 5: can you come out here?
- 13:18Speaker 2: Oh no, Like you.
- 13:19Speaker 5: Don't see that back and forth like that, all the
- 13:20Speaker 5: logistics of having that prime group and all that meeting
- 13:24Speaker 5: of like it's like, oh, I know the part you
- 13:27Speaker 5: happen to be at the park.
- 13:28Speaker 4: Right, it seems so spontaneous and if everything's fresh and new,
- 13:32Speaker 4: it's breezy.
- 13:33Speaker 5: Yes, it's a good way to put it.
- 13:36Speaker 2: It's a very easy.
- 13:37Speaker 4: And of course shows are meant to be a spectacle,
- 13:40Speaker 4: so TV storytellers want our eyes to be glued to
- 13:43Speaker 4: the screen. Also, characters in their relationships they have to
- 13:47Speaker 4: have some kind of spice and intrigue, so there has
- 13:49Speaker 4: to be exposition, and they have to build a stories world.
- 13:53Speaker 4: But dang, even when we know what we're watching is
- 13:55Speaker 4: fiction and the storytellers are doing their damnedest to suspend
- 13:58Speaker 4: our disbelief it, it can be hard not to feel
- 14:02Speaker 4: some longing for the lifestyles that you see. And there's
- 14:05Speaker 4: psychological research around how people interact and bond with the
- 14:09Speaker 4: fictional characters that they become attached to. In a twenty
- 14:12Speaker 4: twelve study, researchers from Ohio State University use the term
- 14:16Speaker 4: quote experience taking to describe the actions of readers who
- 14:20Speaker 4: take on the thoughts, beliefs, and emotions of fictional characters.
- 14:25Speaker 4: Sometimes we do actually let the attitudes and actions of
- 14:28Speaker 4: fictional characters influence our real life decisions. And like for me,
- 14:33Speaker 4: I see in these fictional friend groups that everything isn't
- 14:36Speaker 4: always sweet. They make mistakes, get in fights, and they
- 14:39Speaker 4: even break up, but still they share this deep kinship
- 14:43Speaker 4: that even from the time I was a child, I
- 14:46Speaker 4: think I imagine all adults having.
- 14:48Speaker 2: But as an adult now it doesn't feel like that.
- 14:52Speaker 4: And ooh, now that I think about it, there is
- 14:54Speaker 4: a social media trap here too.
- 14:56Speaker 2: Black girl friend group travel is such a.
- 14:58Speaker 4: Thing, be making it look all luxurious and drama free
- 15:02Speaker 4: in the feed, acting like they have one and a
- 15:05Speaker 4: half fights every day, but still giving us fomo.
- 15:09Speaker 5: Yes, like speaking of like the big friend group, Like
- 15:12Speaker 5: I've never been a part of one, but I've been
- 15:15Speaker 5: like kind of those like special guest characters and like, oh,
- 15:19Speaker 5: they come in for this episode the cameo, Yeah, it's giving, cameo,
- 15:24Speaker 5: it's giving. We invited you because we did not have
- 15:26Speaker 5: enough people and we needed to split this trip up better.
- 15:31Speaker 5: But yeah, like being one the outside of the group
- 15:33Speaker 5: but still being with them. You see, like this isn't
- 15:37Speaker 5: even fun. Like it's fun on social media, but like
- 15:40Speaker 5: being with y'all is not even fun. So like, why
- 15:42Speaker 5: was I tripping off this?
- 15:43Speaker 4: Also seeing that from a sober perspective, when I would
- 15:46Speaker 4: imagine other everybody's not sober in those groups around.
- 15:49Speaker 5: Oh, absolutely, Yeah, I need to start drinking and doing drugs. Yeah,
- 15:53Speaker 5: be having fun.
- 15:54Speaker 2: It's not gonna help. It's not gonna help.
- 15:59Speaker 5: I have a sneak suspicion that we're not the only
- 16:01Speaker 5: ones who have felt dejected when our life and experiences
- 16:04Speaker 5: didn't live up to the characters we watch every week.
- 16:06Speaker 5: So I wanted to bring in an expert to give
- 16:09Speaker 5: us some insight on why we compare ourselves to fictional people,
- 16:12Speaker 5: how that's impacting us, and some reframing techniques we might
- 16:15Speaker 5: find helpful.
- 16:16Speaker 4: When you say things like reframing techniques, it starts to
- 16:18Speaker 4: make me feel like I really am in a therapy
- 16:20Speaker 4: session already.
- 16:21Speaker 5: Not quite, but we are going to be chatting with
- 16:24Speaker 5: doctor Joy from Therapy for Black Girls right after the break.
- 16:39Speaker 6: Hey, y'all, I'm doctor joy Hard and Branford. I'm a
- 16:41Speaker 6: psychologist in Atlanta and also the founder of Therapy for
- 16:44Speaker 6: Black Girls. I'm also the author of Sisterhood Heals, The
- 16:47Speaker 6: Transformative Power of Healing in Community.
- 16:50Speaker 5: So, you know, we're watching TV, we're watching movies, even
- 16:54Speaker 5: reading books, and we see something or like we want
- 16:57Speaker 5: this to happen in our lives. Example was therapist. I
- 17:03Speaker 5: watched Insecure, and you remember Molly's therapist. She was so good,
- 17:08Speaker 5: her office was so cute, she had all the great
- 17:12Speaker 5: insights for Molly and listened to her and remember everything
- 17:16Speaker 5: from last session, didn't mix her up with different clients.
- 17:19Speaker 5: And I was like, I need to go to therapy
- 17:20Speaker 5: and that's what my therapist is going to be like.
- 17:22Speaker 5: And it just did not turn out like that, and
- 17:25Speaker 5: I was very disappointed.
- 17:26Speaker 6: Yeah, So I actually thought that Molly's therapist was a
- 17:30Speaker 6: good depiction of what therapy actually looks like, because I
- 17:33Speaker 6: do feel like a lot of times television gets therapy wrong.
- 17:37Speaker 6: Most often I see like very inappropriate boundaries between therapists
- 17:41Speaker 6: and clients, which typically doesn't happen in real life. But
- 17:45Speaker 6: I actually thought Molly's therapist in terms of like not
- 17:48Speaker 6: getting her mixed up and like tracking across sessions, Like
- 17:51Speaker 6: I feel like that's kind of like the bare minimum.
- 17:53Speaker 6: So I'm kind of sad to hear that that did
- 17:55Speaker 6: not match up with your reality.
- 17:57Speaker 4: Yeah, I was too, honestly, doctor Joy when I heard
- 18:00Speaker 4: Katie told me this. I mean, I know about her
- 18:01Speaker 4: some of the experiences she's had in therapy, so I
- 18:03Speaker 4: feel like that soundlike a lot of people. You know,
- 18:05Speaker 4: Katie and I are close enough for her to tell me, like,
- 18:07Speaker 4: let me in on her experiences that she's had with therapists.
- 18:11Speaker 2: But I was thinking at you, I was like, yeah, like,
- 18:13Speaker 2: isn't that what they're supposed to do, like the least
- 18:16Speaker 2: of what they're supposed to do. So I'm right there
- 18:18Speaker 2: with you.
- 18:19Speaker 5: Oh, I was like, well, Molly just had the best
- 18:25Speaker 5: therapist ever.
- 18:27Speaker 4: And that's valid coming from your perspective because that's the
- 18:29Speaker 4: experience that you've had. Yeah yeah, but yeah.
- 18:34Speaker 2: So so for me, it wasn't about therapy. For me.
- 18:38Speaker 4: The thing that I saw not lining up with expectations
- 18:40Speaker 4: and my reality when I was watching television was friend groups.
- 18:43Speaker 4: For me, one of the things that I saw expectation of,
- 18:47Speaker 4: like looking at these really lovely like relationships that these
- 18:51Speaker 4: people had in these shows that are specifically black friend groups.
- 18:56Speaker 4: I found that I didn't have that experience in real life.
- 19:00Speaker 4: I found myself like, I don't want that. That seems
- 19:03Speaker 4: really nice, so there's some longing for it.
- 19:06Speaker 6: Yeah, I love that you shared that because I feel
- 19:09Speaker 6: like I have very I mean, I'm clearly in my
- 19:11Speaker 6: sisterhood bag right now, right because I'm all in the
- 19:13Speaker 6: celebration of sisterhood heels. But I find that interesting that
- 19:17Speaker 6: we're also celebrating the thirtieth anniversary of living single this year,
- 19:21Speaker 6: and I feel like that is one of those shows
- 19:23Speaker 6: that a lot of sisters go back to and say like, oh,
- 19:26Speaker 6: this is what I thought like friends and friend groups
- 19:28Speaker 6: were going to be like, and then the reality of
- 19:30Speaker 6: it does not match. And I think we have to
- 19:33Speaker 6: think about, you know, like what was happening in the
- 19:35Speaker 6: world thirty years ago that is very different from now. Right,
- 19:38Speaker 6: So there weren't cell phones, or if there were, like
- 19:41Speaker 6: they weren't readily available like we have them now. People
- 19:45Speaker 6: I think did maybe live in closer proximity to one another,
- 19:49Speaker 6: and it just feels like they didn't have as many
- 19:51Speaker 6: things that competed for their interest in time the way
- 19:55Speaker 6: that we do now. And so when you see you know,
- 19:57Speaker 6: all of them able to kind of u go together
- 20:01Speaker 6: for breakfast, it feels like they had like breakfast a
- 20:03Speaker 6: lot together on Living Single, which I think is cute,
- 20:06Speaker 6: but you know, like be able to meet each other
- 20:07Speaker 6: for breakfast before they go to work, and you know,
- 20:09Speaker 6: all of that stuff like that doesn't take into consideration,
- 20:12Speaker 6: like a commute and dropping kids off for daycare and
- 20:15Speaker 6: like all of these things that I think are just
- 20:17Speaker 6: very different about the world that we find ourselves in now.
- 20:22Speaker 6: And I'm not surprised to hear that you long for that.
- 20:24Speaker 6: And I do think that there are some pieces of
- 20:26Speaker 6: what we see in media on television that we can
- 20:29Speaker 6: think about, like, Okay, maybe we can't have like a
- 20:32Speaker 6: Brownstone where all of our best friends live, but what
- 20:35Speaker 6: pieces of this can I model and you know, kind
- 20:38Speaker 6: of take into my own life and kind of have
- 20:41Speaker 6: some semblance of that That kind of meets that need
- 20:44Speaker 6: for me, because I just think that there's so much
- 20:45Speaker 6: competing for our attention right now, right Like they didn't
- 20:48Speaker 6: have Instagram back in living single days, right and so
- 20:51Speaker 6: you know, the time we're spending scrolling on Instagram and
- 20:54Speaker 6: playing on TikTok, like could you be having a group
- 20:56Speaker 6: chat with your girls?
- 20:58Speaker 7: You know?
- 20:58Speaker 6: And I just think that there are so many things
- 21:00Speaker 6: that do distract us that it is good to be
- 21:02Speaker 6: able to kind of put all of that away and
- 21:04Speaker 6: make time to really intentionally connect with one another.
- 21:08Speaker 5: And it sounds also when you said, look at what
- 21:11Speaker 5: aspects that you could have, you know, you could have
- 21:14Speaker 5: breakfast together sometimes, so it sounds like you're saying it's
- 21:17Speaker 5: not pathological to be looking at these examples and wanting
- 21:22Speaker 5: some of that.
- 21:23Speaker 2: Absolutely not.
- 21:24Speaker 6: I mean that's why we resonate with certain shows, right
- 21:27Speaker 6: is because they feel super realistic. But I think you
- 21:30Speaker 6: also have to remember that there's a whole writing team
- 21:33Speaker 6: and lots of editing and all of these things that
- 21:35Speaker 6: go into making these shows that we love. But we
- 21:39Speaker 6: also love these shows because they feel very realistic to us.
- 21:42Speaker 6: They feel like things that we could achieve in some ways.
- 21:45Speaker 6: I think we just have to be careful not to,
- 21:48Speaker 6: you know, kind of compare our real life to something
- 21:50Speaker 6: that has a whole writing room in multiple editors.
- 21:53Speaker 5: Do you have an example of something that you saw
- 21:57Speaker 5: in storytelling that you kind of were like, yeah, it
- 22:00Speaker 5: didn't really play out like that in my real life.
- 22:02Speaker 6: Oh you know, I feel like motherhood would have to
- 22:05Speaker 6: be that for me. And I don't think I can
- 22:08Speaker 6: point to any one like instance or you know, depiction,
- 22:14Speaker 6: but I just feel like you I saw in media,
- 22:16Speaker 6: like lots of stories around like how hard it is
- 22:19Speaker 6: to kind of you know, bring children into the family,
- 22:21Speaker 6: and how priorities shifting all of these things. In the
- 22:24Speaker 6: real life version of that is like so much more
- 22:27Speaker 6: difficult than I think anything that I ever saw depicted
- 22:30Speaker 6: in media.
- 22:32Speaker 5: Right, And I imagine like because being a mother is
- 22:35Speaker 5: twenty four seven and we get maybe like thirty minutes
- 22:38Speaker 5: to an hour with motherhoods depicted on the screen. Or
- 22:42Speaker 5: you know, if a book takes you ten hours to
- 22:45Speaker 5: read over the course of the book, that really does
- 22:47Speaker 5: not compare to what you're doing with your kids day
- 22:49Speaker 5: in and day out. So I can see how that
- 22:51Speaker 5: depiction is like super truncated and maybe only shows like
- 22:55Speaker 5: the highlights or maybe like some very low lights, but
- 22:57Speaker 5: not really all the stuff in between. But how do
- 22:59Speaker 5: you think I think social media has impacted our expectations?
- 23:04Speaker 5: Have you seen that within the Therapy for Black Girls
- 23:06Speaker 5: group or talking to people while you've been on tour.
- 23:09Speaker 6: Mm hmmm, yeah, I mean, and you know, I think
- 23:11Speaker 6: that social media as a different level of nuance to
- 23:15Speaker 6: this conversation because while we are able to recognize like
- 23:19Speaker 6: Insecure and living single and like the things that we
- 23:22Speaker 6: watch on TV as entertainment, I don't think that we
- 23:25Speaker 6: always view like what we're watching on social media as entertainment,
- 23:29Speaker 6: and a lot of it actually is meant for entertainment,
- 23:32Speaker 6: but because they look like real people like us, then
- 23:35Speaker 6: we get caught up in comparing, like our vacation to
- 23:38Speaker 6: the vacation they took in Bali, right, and how that
- 23:40Speaker 6: doesn't match up, and then we're really frustrated and said that, like,
- 23:43Speaker 6: our pictures don't look like the ones we saw this
- 23:46Speaker 6: influencer who has a team of photographers and like all
- 23:49Speaker 6: of these things. Like, I think we do do more
- 23:52Speaker 6: comparing ourselves to what we see on social media than
- 23:55Speaker 6: we even do to Insecure, because we clearly know that
- 23:57Speaker 6: those are characters. And so I think that this is
- 24:00Speaker 6: something that has come up a lot in the therapy
- 24:02Speaker 6: for Black Girls community just around people like having to
- 24:05Speaker 6: take breaks from social media because they find themselves like
- 24:09Speaker 6: doing too much comparison, or it's really hard to kind
- 24:13Speaker 6: of stay focused on whatever your journey is, whether that
- 24:16Speaker 6: be healing or motherhood or entrepreneurship, because you're always paying
- 24:20Speaker 6: attention to like other people's shiny objects, right So, like, oh,
- 24:24Speaker 6: they launched this course, so now do I need a course?
- 24:26Speaker 6: Or oh, look at how beautiful their family portraits are
- 24:30Speaker 6: in mine don't look like that. Like, I just feel
- 24:32Speaker 6: like social media does it elicits a lot of these
- 24:35Speaker 6: very strong reactions from people, and I don't think they
- 24:38Speaker 6: always recognize like what's going on because you think it
- 24:41Speaker 6: is you kind of keeping in touch with friends, right
- 24:44Speaker 6: like when you think about like some of these parasocial relationships,
- 24:47Speaker 6: right Like, there's a lot of money to be made
- 24:50Speaker 6: by us feeling like we have these you know, cousin
- 24:52Speaker 6: in my head kind of relationship with people that we
- 24:55Speaker 6: follow on Instagram. But in a lot of ways, that
- 24:57Speaker 6: can be unhealthy because you are setting yourself up and
- 25:00Speaker 6: trying to compare yourself to something that is like an
- 25:03Speaker 6: idealized version of life as opposed to like the basic
- 25:07Speaker 6: day to day version of life that most of us
- 25:09Speaker 6: are actually living.
- 25:11Speaker 2: We'll be back with doctor Joy after the.
- 25:13Speaker 4: Break, So if we're having these moments where we're looking
- 25:26Speaker 4: at a television show and we're saying that our reality
- 25:28Speaker 4: doesn't match up to it, but we want them to
- 25:30Speaker 4: be more in alignment. What are ways that we can
- 25:34Speaker 4: tell that in ourselves. Okay, that's normal for us to do.
- 25:38Speaker 4: There are specific psychological reasons while we're responding this way,
- 25:42Speaker 4: and we are able to move through.
- 25:43Speaker 2: Life still like in a healthy, normal.
- 25:47Speaker 6: Way till anytime things kind of veer off course, where
- 25:52Speaker 6: you are finding disturbances in your sleep, disturbances in your appetite,
- 25:58Speaker 6: you are wanting to kind of be less engaged with
- 26:01Speaker 6: things that you normally were really excited about. Like, I
- 26:04Speaker 6: think all of those are signs that like something is
- 26:07Speaker 6: off and you need to kind of pay attention to
- 26:09Speaker 6: like what has happened. I also think you have to
- 26:12Speaker 6: be careful. And I think we kind of joke about this,
- 26:15Speaker 6: but I do know that there are extremes for any circumstance, Right,
- 26:18Speaker 6: we kind of joke about, you know, like, oh, what
- 26:22Speaker 6: do I do now that my favorite show is no
- 26:24Speaker 6: longer on the air and I need a support group
- 26:26Speaker 6: and you know, like all of these things, And I
- 26:28Speaker 6: think like some of that is normal. Like, you know,
- 26:30Speaker 6: I think a lot of us were sad when Insecure
- 26:32Speaker 6: ended because we loved it and like wanted to spend
- 26:34Speaker 6: Sunday nights with them. But if you find yourself staying
- 26:37Speaker 6: in that space for too long, I do think that
- 26:40Speaker 6: that is an indication that, like something, there's some need
- 26:42Speaker 6: that's not being met that you were addressing through this show.
- 26:46Speaker 6: Because it's normal to kind of have, you know, parasocial
- 26:49Speaker 6: relationships and attachments to characters, but they are characters, right,
- 26:53Speaker 6: And so I think when you find yourself over identifying
- 26:56Speaker 6: with a particular fantasy world or some disturbed in sleep,
- 27:01Speaker 6: or you're kind of spending too much time kind of
- 27:02Speaker 6: being obsessed around things that happened on the show, and
- 27:06Speaker 6: I do think that that is an indication that, you know, hey,
- 27:08Speaker 6: what's going on here? Like are you trying to avoid
- 27:11Speaker 6: something else in your real life by being preoccupied with
- 27:14Speaker 6: this fantasy world that somebody else created?
- 27:17Speaker 5: Speaking of being too enthralled in these shows, do you
- 27:22Speaker 5: have any tips for folks who are struggling with managing
- 27:26Speaker 5: expectations for like grounding themselves in reality, any practices that
- 27:31Speaker 5: you would recommend.
- 27:32Speaker 6: Yeah, So, I actually think journaling is an excellent tool
- 27:36Speaker 6: for lots of these kinds of things, because I think
- 27:38Speaker 6: when you can write things down or talk them through,
- 27:41Speaker 6: like if you want to do voice notes and really
- 27:43Speaker 6: kind of get at like what is motivating your behavior,
- 27:46Speaker 6: I think that that unveils a lot for us. Right, So,
- 27:49Speaker 6: if you're finding yourself kind of staying with a particular storyline,
- 27:52Speaker 6: or you feel like the lines are blurring between reality
- 27:56Speaker 6: and fantasy world, like, well, what is it that makes
- 27:59Speaker 6: me want to spend time with these characters? And where
- 28:01Speaker 6: might that be missing in my own life? And what
- 28:04Speaker 6: kinds of things can I do to get more of that?
- 28:07Speaker 6: You know, kind of like our earlier conversations of if
- 28:09Speaker 6: you're missing this kind of thing, this living single vibe,
- 28:12Speaker 6: like what pieces of that can you bring into your
- 28:14Speaker 6: own life? And I think journaling is an excellent way
- 28:16Speaker 6: to kind of get at some of those questions and
- 28:18Speaker 6: to really be able to check in with yourself to
- 28:21Speaker 6: see where there may be, you know, kind of holes
- 28:23Speaker 6: in your reality. I also think I have to, of
- 28:26Speaker 6: course advocate for therapy, because I think talking with a
- 28:30Speaker 6: therapist about some of these concerns can be really helpful.
- 28:33Speaker 6: And I think if you're somebody who finds yourself like
- 28:35Speaker 6: struggling with like, Okay, I'm feeling very overidentified with a character,
- 28:39Speaker 6: or you know, I'm sticking with these story longs longer
- 28:41Speaker 6: than I think I should. It may feel kind of
- 28:44Speaker 6: weird to say that to like a friend, but you know,
- 28:47Speaker 6: in a therapist's office, like you know, there is no
- 28:49Speaker 6: weird thing, Like there's nothing that you can't go to
- 28:51Speaker 6: a therapist with, and so it may feel safer to
- 28:54Speaker 6: be able to kind of talk through whatever it is
- 28:56Speaker 6: that you're feeling with a therapist as opposed to somebody
- 28:59Speaker 6: who is in your life on a more regular basis.
- 29:03Speaker 5: And I think one of the things that is similar
- 29:06Speaker 5: to me in Eve's expectations versus reality is just wanting
- 29:11Speaker 5: to be known by somebody, Like I want my therapist
- 29:13Speaker 5: to know me. She wants to have that group of
- 29:15Speaker 5: friends that knows her. And so one thing that I
- 29:18Speaker 5: really liked from your book is doing that self assessment
- 29:21Speaker 5: and sisterhood assessment. So if someone's struggling with, oh, like
- 29:26Speaker 5: I wanted to have this like big friend group or
- 29:29Speaker 5: just like a really good girlfriend and they're not feeling that, like,
- 29:32Speaker 5: take that assessment, say like, Okay, and or do I
- 29:36Speaker 5: have people in my life that I'm just kind of
- 29:37Speaker 5: overlooking that actually do pour into me and how am
- 29:40Speaker 5: I as a friend? Because you know, it needs to
- 29:43Speaker 5: have that reciprocation. So that's one thing that I was like, oh,
- 29:46Speaker 5: doctor Joy read me, but it was helpful after I
- 29:50Speaker 5: was mad at you for a little bit.
- 29:55Speaker 6: Anger is a totally totally appropriate response to have. And
- 29:59Speaker 6: you know, I really want to stay there for a moment, Katie,
- 30:01Speaker 6: because this feeling of being known by somebody and really
- 30:06Speaker 6: seen for all of who we are is incredibly powerful.
- 30:10Speaker 6: And I think that that is one of the strengths
- 30:11Speaker 6: that black women have right is being able to kind
- 30:14Speaker 6: of hold space and like our friends and our girls
- 30:17Speaker 6: can kind of see us even when we don't want
- 30:18Speaker 6: to admit that thing to ourselves. And I don't think
- 30:21Speaker 6: that there's anything wrong with that. I think a lot
- 30:24Speaker 6: of times what I'm seeing now is people kind of
- 30:26Speaker 6: wanting to be unbothered, so to speak, and like, oh,
- 30:29Speaker 6: it's okay if like people don't pay attention to me,
- 30:32Speaker 6: but actually it's not like we're humans, We're not robots,
- 30:36Speaker 6: and so this longing to be known and really seen
- 30:39Speaker 6: by people is something that is totally appropriate, and I
- 30:42Speaker 6: think it's beautiful when we can cultivate spaces where we
- 30:45Speaker 6: can do that for one another. It's really important.
- 30:48Speaker 5: Now it's time for my favorite segment of the show,
- 30:51Speaker 5: my favorite and only segment of our show, roll credits,
- 30:55Speaker 5: where we give credit to a person, place, or thing,
- 30:59Speaker 5: and we have our esteemed guests, Doctor Joy, and we
- 31:02Speaker 5: will let her kick it off. Who are what are
- 31:05Speaker 5: you giving credit to this week? Doctor Joy?
- 31:08Speaker 4: Oh?
- 31:09Speaker 6: I think I will give credit to one of my
- 31:12Speaker 6: favorite restaurants here in Atlanta. It's a taco place called
- 31:15Speaker 6: tacoiadell Soul. Okay, It's my favorite favorite place, favorite caso
- 31:21Speaker 6: in Atlanta for sure. And when I think about that,
- 31:25Speaker 6: so it is kind of like a tradition for my family,
- 31:27Speaker 6: like we are typically there weekly, and when I think about,
- 31:30Speaker 6: like throughout the pandemic, like that was the thing that
- 31:33Speaker 6: kind of felt like a constant. So even when we
- 31:36Speaker 6: couldn't go in restaurants to eat, we would like do
- 31:39Speaker 6: us to go order And it just feels like this
- 31:41Speaker 6: thing that has kind of been like a grounding space
- 31:43Speaker 6: for me and my family. So I think that would
- 31:46Speaker 6: be my credit would be tacari Adel soul.
- 31:48Speaker 5: Okay, shout out that keso.
- 31:52Speaker 2: Tacos last night.
- 31:53Speaker 6: I love it.
- 31:55Speaker 5: What about you, Eves.
- 31:56Speaker 2: Let's see. I would.
- 32:00Speaker 4: Like to give credit to being barefoot outside specifically. Kenny
- 32:08Speaker 4: laughs at me every time I give credit to something.
- 32:11Speaker 2: I know it seems like it's out of left field,
- 32:13Speaker 2: but it's not a promise. I just love being barefoot.
- 32:17Speaker 4: I have been wanting to be barefoot a lot more lately,
- 32:20Speaker 4: like I always do. And I think you know that,
- 32:22Speaker 4: but it feels really good. It feels grounding. Speaking of grounding,
- 32:28Speaker 4: I don't know. Yeah, that's it. That's all I have
- 32:30Speaker 4: to say about it.
- 32:31Speaker 5: Period. I would like to give credit to the seasons.
- 32:37Speaker 5: I feel like a little twinge of fall in the
- 32:40Speaker 5: air and I was like, Oh, we're going into a
- 32:44Speaker 5: different season. And I was like, oh, I'm going into
- 32:46Speaker 5: a different season of my life.
- 32:48Speaker 2: How fitting?
- 32:49Speaker 5: So like literal seasons and like seasons of our lives,
- 32:53Speaker 5: And like I'm the type of person who like gets
- 32:55Speaker 5: really emotional when there's like a very concrete change, like
- 32:59Speaker 5: if there's like a gradation or like a funeral, it's
- 33:02Speaker 5: like things are different now. And I feel like the
- 33:05Speaker 5: seasons are kind of like a way to mark that
- 33:07Speaker 5: or like nature's way of marking that. So I want
- 33:10Speaker 5: to give credit.
- 33:10Speaker 2: To the seasons.
- 33:11Speaker 5: It makes you super like introspective every time I go
- 33:15Speaker 5: through a season, changing whether it's just summer to fall
- 33:19Speaker 5: or life stuff. Yeah, and doctor Joy, how can people
- 33:24Speaker 5: keep up with you? How can they listen to you
- 33:27Speaker 5: read your book all those good things?
- 33:29Speaker 6: Yeah, so you can find me at Hello, doctor Joy
- 33:32Speaker 6: across all the social media platforms. I would love for
- 33:35Speaker 6: you to grab a copy of Sisterhood Heels at Sisterhoodheels
- 33:39Speaker 6: dot com or your favorite local bookstore and definitely share
- 33:43Speaker 6: your thoughts with me because I love hearing how people
- 33:45Speaker 6: are like going to their group chats with the conversation
- 33:47Speaker 6: around Sister at Heels. So definitely let me know your
- 33:50Speaker 6: thoughts once you grab it, and then you can check
- 33:52Speaker 6: out the podcast Therapy for Black Girls. New episodes come
- 33:55Speaker 6: out every Wednesday morning and you can find all of
- 33:57Speaker 6: that at Therapy for Blackgirls dot com.
- 34:00Speaker 5: So thank you, so so much, thank you.
- 34:03Speaker 6: I appreciate y'all having me, of course.
- 34:06Speaker 2: So that's that. On that, We'll be back next episode.
- 34:09Speaker 5: See You.
- 34:18Speaker 4: On Theme is a production of iHeartRadio and Fairweather Friends Media.
- 34:23Speaker 4: This episode was written by Eves, jeffco and Katie Mitchell.
- 34:26Speaker 4: It was edited and produced by Tari Harrison.
- 34:29Speaker 2: Follow us on.
- 34:30Speaker 4: Instagram at on Themeshow. You can also send us an
- 34:33Speaker 4: email at hello at on Theme dot Show. For more
- 34:38Speaker 4: podcasts from iHeartRadio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcast, or
- 34:43Speaker 4: wherever you listen to your favorite shows.