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Why do High-Achievers Experience So Much Reactive Abuse? · RiseUp - Live Joy Your Way

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: Today's episode is produced by my friends at Walk West.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_01: If you're looking to grow your brand and generate leads through podcast or video production, head over to walkwest.com.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, let's start the show.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: Rise up, live joy your way.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: From emotional intelligence through cognitive distortions, certified life and wellness coach Comedy Wood is on a mission to help people see the magnificence of their own unique human spirit.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: Through these small bites of self-visualization and self-confidence, you can have healthy relationships, success in business and career, and live the life you want to live.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: Rise up, live joy your way.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_01: Hi there, and welcome to another episode of Rise Up, Live Joy Your Way, whether it's morning, afternoon, or evening.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you so much for taking some time out of your day to spend here with me.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_01: And if you've been following me for a while, you may know that some of the topics for my podcast and or my blog articles come from just my experiences of working with individuals.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_01: And something that has come up, you know, with the with the individuals that I work with, they tend to be really high achievers, they tend to be um givers.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_01: Uh some of them would call themselves people pleasers, some perfectionists, uh, and a lot of the times, not all of the time, let me be very clear, but a lot of times they file find themselves in some toxic dynamics.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_01: And one of the things that has been coming up recently is this idea that that the the survivorslash victim, whichever one you want to use, starts to feel like they might have become aggressive or abusive.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_01: So I want to talk about a context, a concept called reactive abuse.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_01: After being continually abused, and again, I recently talked about this on a different podcast, but it's really important that we start calling things what they are.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_01: And when we are emotionally or verbally abused, it's just as important as when we need to name when we're physically abused.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_01: So after being continually abused, you may find yourself starting to snap verbally, or you may see find yourself starting to become more aggressive.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_01: This is a form of manipulation in a toxic relationship known as reactive abuse.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_01: It's a tactic that is being used by the toxic person to try and transfer the blame of their abusive behavior onto you as the survivorslash victim.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_01: Right, so this is one of the most common abuse techniques that is used by those who have narcissistic tendencies, for instance, because when you're dealing with somebody with that toxic behavior, they might try to use reactive abuse to accuse you of being the one that is abusing them.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_01: And it's a process that's repeated every time that you try to defend yourself or to respond to their attacks.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_01: And I've had clients talk to me about this because that's when the self-doubt starts to creep in and they're like, oh my gosh, am I this person?
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_01: But really what's happening is the long-term persistent abuse is what typically starts to create this does this this um reactive abuse cycle that's that occurs.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_01: Because individuals with those narcissistic traits, or even those who have been diagnosed with NPD, they typically have this deep-seated belief that they are somewhat superior or they have this over-inflated sense of self-importance, which, yes, let's be clear, comes from a place of actual lack of self-esteem, but that's really where that egocentric manipulative part comes from, because it's like an overcompensation of that lack of self-esteem.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_01: But what's happening here is that they expect others to be accountable for their emotions, and so they shift the blame onto other people.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_01: And so when they're in those dynamics with the victim or the survivor, what happens is that the survivor is just trying to protect themselves, and so it starts to come out in this form of reactive abuse.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_01: So, what are some signs?
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_01: When we notice that there's disproportionate emotional responses.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_01: So if you're the victim of this chronic abuse and you are reacting in a way that appears it's exaggerated in comparison to the immediate provoc provocation there, right?
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_01: So, like it seems like you're reacting with rage or yelling, or you have like these outbursts, it could be because you've been tolerating chronic abuse, and so even the littlest trigger pushes you to your emotional limit.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_01: So if you're noticing in yourself disproportionate emotional responses, you're noticing maybe a shift in self-persperception or self-esteem.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_01: Because again, as an ongoing result of manipulation or verbal or emotional abuse, you may start to experience a profound shift in your own self-perception.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_01: There might be a shift in your own self-esteem.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_01: How do you see yourself?
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_01: How do you think about yourself?
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_01: Because you start internalizing those negative messages, you start internalizing those criticisms, and this can cause you to create a distorted perception of yourself, which can be a sign of that you might be starting to down the path of reactive abuse.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_01: That could be increased anxiety and confusion.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_01: Anxiety and confusion are definitely psychological responses to being chronically abused.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_01: So, due to the unexpected nature of the abuse, a lot of times people will constantly feel like they're on high alert, they're constantly scanning, they're constantly paying attention to what's going on, which is really creates more of that anxiety.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_01: Gaslighting and other manipulation strategies are also going to increase your chronic stress and increase your anxiety because you're constantly questioning.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_01: Overwhelming feelings of guilt may arise if you're being manipulated into believing that you're responsible for the dynamics in the relationship.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_01: You know, if you start being told that, you know, in a way that it's your fault or even a manipulative tactic is to say, oh, you're always the victim.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_01: That is trying to insinuate that you have something to be sorry for, you have something to be guilty about.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_01: If you start noticing changes in behavior in relationships, because what happens is as you start to adapt some of these dynamics from your relationship, you might notice changes in your own behavior and in some of your other relationships.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_01: You might start noticing that you're becoming withdrawn or insecure in other relationships, or you might notice some anxiousness in other relationships.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_01: So that might be an indication that something's going on.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_01: And if you're suffering from an abuse in any type of a relationship, whether it be romantic, friendship, workplace, you might feel powerless.
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  SPEAKER_01: You might feel insecure, you might feel confused.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_01: And this could create a sense of the part of you wanting to get some control back might find yourself lashing out.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_01: It's important to recognize though that the exposure to the toxicity uh long term can damage your emotional well-being.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_01: And I've talked about this on numerous podcast episodes.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_01: I have several blog articles on my website about this.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_01: The long-term effects on your emotional and mental health of being in a toxic relationship, again, we're not talking about just romantic, we're talking about familial, yes, romantic, workplace friendships, they can have a long-lasting effect on your well-being.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_01: Many people are starting to label it as C P T S D rather than just P T S D, but you can also have strong feelings of self-doubt and worthlessness that can really trigger a core belief of I'm not enough or I'm not worthy.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_01: So if you're constantly being put down or you're constantly being provoked, or you're constantly being, you know, verbally, emotionally abused, it's important to pay attention.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_01: It's important to recognize that that's not a healthy dynamic.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_01: And so it's those, that's when we have to start taking some steps to figuring out how you can you can start healing yourself, whether it be from seeking out support, whether it be uh from a professional or from your trusted people in your world, prioritizing self-care, taking care of what it is that you need, recognize that self-care is not selfish, but is absolutely necessary for you to honor what it is that you're needing.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_01: If you'd like to talk about this particular topic, if you feel like this is resonating and it's something that you could potentially use some coaching around, or you have something else that you're feeling is holding you back that coaching could potentially move you forward, either professionally or personally, feel free to book a time with me at any time at coachwithcomedy.com.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_01: And until next time, stay well.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for listening to Rise Up, Live Joy Your Way.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_00: For more information, book a chat with comedy at www.chatwithcomedy.com or visit her website at www.comedywood.com.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_00: You can also find comedy on Facebook or Instagram.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_00: Username it's authentic me.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for listening.