Latest / Play Therapy Parenting: Real Parenting Questions Answered by a Child Therapist / S4E14 - Why Is My Child Resisting Play Therapy?

Transcript

S4E14 - Why Is My Child Resisting Play Therapy? · Play Therapy Parenting: Real Parenting Questions Answered by a Child Therapist

• 0:02
  You're listening to the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast
• 0:06
  with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
• 0:09
  Hi,
• 0:09
  I'm Dr.
• 0:10
  Brenna Hicks,
• 0:10
  The Kid Counselor.
• 0:11
  This is the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast
• 0:14
  where I answer real parenting questions about behavior,
• 0:17
  emotions,
• 0:17
  and the parent-child relationship.
• 0:19
  In today's episode,
• 0:20
  I'm answering a question from Tara,
• 0:23
  and this is about her two children who are actually already in
• 0:27
  play therapy.
• 0:28
  And what that process has been like
• 0:31
  and some concerns about the daughter's responses to being in therapy.
• 0:36
  So,
• 0:37
  Tara,
• 0:37
  thank you so much for this question.
• 0:38
  I think this is gonna be really helpful.
• 0:40
  By the way,
• 0:41
  for those of you that maybe are new to the podcast or
• 0:44
  you've not submitted a question yet,
• 0:46
  please email me brenna@thekidcounselor.com.
• 0:49
  I answer questions every week.
• 0:51
  And so,
• 0:51
  if you have something that is pressing about your children,
• 0:54
  about your family,
• 0:56
  about behavior,
• 0:57
  about therapy,
• 0:58
  whatever,
• 0:58
  there's really no topic that's off limits.
• 1:00
  So,
• 1:01
  if you have any question about
• 1:03
  behaviors,
• 1:04
  emotions,
• 1:04
  parent-child
• 1:05
  Relationships,
• 1:05
  so on and so forth.
• 1:07
  Please email me.
• 1:07
  I would love to hear from you,
• 1:09
  and I can either respond via email or I can answer it on an episode.
• 1:12
  So,
• 1:13
  Tara,
• 1:13
  thanks for sending an email.
• 1:14
  Let me read parts of this,
• 1:16
  and then we will dive in together.
• 1:17
  I have a question about play therapy as children get older.
• 1:20
  My seven year old has become extremely frustrated with her current therapist.
• 1:24
  Both of my daughters see a play therapist who sends me your podcasts.
• 1:28
  I'm excited about that.
• 1:30
  My older daughter feels that the therapist treats her like a baby.
• 1:33
  And she's become very upset about going to sessions.
• 1:35
  She won't even look at the therapist when we arrive or leave.
• 1:39
  She particularly dislikes the therapist frequently repeats
• 1:42
  back what she has just said.
• 1:44
  My daughter finds this irritating and experiences it as condescending.
• 1:48
  I understand this is part of the model,
• 1:49
  and I've also seen the therapist use this with my younger daughter,
• 1:52
  who currently won't enter the playroom and therefore has her sessions in the lobby.
• 1:57
  I completely understand that some of my
• 1:58
  older daughter's reaction may simply be resistance,
• 2:01
  and I know she needs the support.
• 2:02
  At the same time,
• 2:03
  I'm wondering whether this could also be a question of therapeutic fit
• 2:07
  or whether at 7 she might benefit
• 2:09
  from a somewhat more developmentally advanced approach
• 2:11
  that incorporates talking alongside play therapy.
• 2:15
  OK,
• 2:16
  so quite a bit to unpack there and I'm happy to process some of this.
• 2:20
  So,
• 2:21
  let's
• 2:22
  talk about
• 2:24
  play therapy,
• 2:25
  quote,
• 2:25
  as children get older because I think we need to understand
• 2:28
  what the definition of older child is in relation to play therapy approaches.
• 2:35
  So,
• 2:35
  child-centered play therapy specifically
• 2:38
  is
• 2:39
  Developmentally and uniquely suited for 3 to 12.
• 2:43
  That's considered the sweet spot
• 2:45
  of child-centered play therapy.
• 2:47
  Typically the youngest is 3.
• 2:50
  Sometimes we can take like 2.5,
• 2:52
  and then
• 2:53
  12 is kind of the high end of the range.
• 2:56
  Now that is not to say that a child older
• 2:58
  than 12 will not benefit from a child-centered approach.
• 3:01
  It's just that the approach shifts a little bit
• 3:04
  and it becomes more activity-based
• 3:06
  rather than play-based.
• 3:08
  The
• 3:09
  interaction will remain exactly the same between the child and the therapist.
• 3:14
  But the activity will
• 3:16
  Largely
• 3:17
  be the preference for an older child,
• 3:20
  so they still want to be doing something,
• 3:22
  but they don't necessarily want to play as much.
• 3:25
  But
• 3:25
  they have studied CCPT across the entire life span,
• 3:29
  so there is certainly no limit.
• 3:30
  Like as soon as your child turns 12,
• 3:31
  they're no longer appropriately suited for child-centered play therapy.
• 3:35
  They've proven it
• 3:36
  literally in every decade of life
• 3:38
  that it is effective.
• 3:39
  So
• 3:39
  we know because it's based on person-centered
• 3:43
  approach.
• 3:45
  If you're a person,
• 3:46
  this is helpful for you regardless of your age.
• 3:49
  So when you say as children get older
• 3:51
  and then you're mentioning a seven year old,
• 3:53
  your seven year old is not too old for play therapy.
• 3:57
  In fact,
• 3:57
  your 7 year old is literally exactly in the middle.
• 4:01
  Like 7 and 8 are considered the
• 4:03
  median of the entire range.
• 4:06
  7 and 8 year olds are like in the
• 4:08
  exact middle of the range.
• 4:11
  And so,
• 4:12
  I do not see this as a developmental issue.
• 4:12
  I do not see this as a developmental issue.
• 4:15
  I do not see this as a maturity issue.
• 4:17
  I do not see this as a maturity issue.
• 4:17
  I do not see this as a maturity issue.
• 4:17
  I do not see this as a maturity issue.
• 4:17
  I do not see this as an age issue.
• 4:17
  I do not see this as an age issue whatsoever.
• 4:20
  This is your child's resistance.
• 4:22
  And you already alluded to that,
• 4:24
  but I'm,
• 4:24
  I'm going to solidify that.
• 4:26
  You did not tell me how long
• 4:28
  they've been working with this therapist.
• 4:29
  I don't know how many sessions your children have had,
• 4:32
  but
• 4:33
  we know that when kids realize they have junk
• 4:36
  and when they realize that they are about to dig into their junk,
• 4:40
  or they know that they're going to have to face it at some point.
• 4:43
  And or their subconscious starts stirring up all
• 4:46
  of this stuff that they've been tamping down,
• 4:49
  and they can feel the angst that comes with it.
• 4:52
  They're gonna do absolutely everything they can
• 4:54
  to not have to deal with it.
• 4:56
  And that comes out in all different kinds of ways.
• 4:59
  I mean,
• 4:59
  when I've been doing this for 21 years,
• 5:00
  so
• 5:01
  I've literally seen the whole gamut.
• 5:03
  You get kids that say,
• 5:06
  It's boring.
• 5:07
  You get kids that say that I don't talk to them.
• 5:09
  You get kids that say I don't play with them.
• 5:11
  You get kids that say I have stupid toys.
• 5:14
  You have kids that say
• 5:16
  all we do is play.
• 5:18
  We have kids that say this doesn't help at all.
• 5:21
  We have,
• 5:21
  I mean,
• 5:22
  I could literally spend an hour giving you all of the things that children
• 5:25
  have said to their parents that have made their way back to me.
• 5:29
  My kid is saying
• 5:30
  X,
• 5:30
  Y,
• 5:31
  Z.
• 5:33
  Kids aren't verbal.
• 5:34
  Kids aren't rational.
• 5:36
  They don't have abstract reasoning.
• 5:38
  They're not logical.
• 5:39
  So anything a child says
• 5:41
  is usually not what the child actually means.
• 5:44
  We have to hear the words and then read the meaning.
• 5:48
  Because the words are not the whole story.
• 5:51
  So when your daughter says
• 5:54
  she treats me like,
• 5:55
  I don't know if it's a male or female therapist,
• 5:56
  but the therapist treats me like a baby.
• 6:00
  What there,
• 6:02
  I mean,
• 6:02
  there's a lot of skill involved in interactions in the playroom,
• 6:06
  and so what your daughter is likely experiencing there
• 6:09
  is
• 6:10
  I've never had someone repeat back to me what I
• 6:12
  say and I've never had someone tell me how I feel
• 6:15
  and I've never had someone acknowledge what I'm doing.
• 6:18
  And
• 6:20
  Delivery does matter
• 6:21
  and obviously I'm not there and I
• 6:23
  don't even know your child-centered play therapist,
• 6:25
  so
• 6:25
  I have no way to know whether it's a delivery issue on the part of the therapist.
• 6:29
  But there is something to be said for a masterful execution of those skills
• 6:33
  because it's not the same thing to say,
• 6:36
  Oh,
• 6:37
  you're drawing a picture!
• 6:40
  That could probably put a lot of children
• 6:42
  on edge or in frustration
• 6:44
  versus,
• 6:45
  oh,
• 6:45
  you're drawing a picture,
• 6:46
  you have that in mind.
• 6:48
  It's going to feel more conversational.
• 6:51
  So delivery does matter,
• 6:53
  and I know you mentioned therapeutic fit.
• 6:55
  I don't know what that delivery is like.
• 6:57
  I don't know how congruent it feels.
• 6:59
  I don't know how skillfully it's being executed.
• 7:02
  But regardless,
• 7:04
  this is not a,
• 7:05
  this is not an acknowledgement of therapists skill or lack thereof.
• 7:08
  This is an acknowledgement of your child's junk.
• 7:11
  Tara,
• 7:11
  this is your seven year old's junk coming up.
• 7:14
  Because
• 7:15
  if there's an excuse that she can come up with,
• 7:18
  that she doesn't want to go
• 7:20
  because
• 7:21
  she treats me like a baby
• 7:22
  or
• 7:23
  I
• 7:24
  just think it's condescending,
• 7:25
  which I'm sure is not her word,
• 7:26
  but I'm sure that's what you've assumed based on the dialogue.
• 7:30
  It's a way for her to get out of it.
• 7:33
  And she doesn't look at her
• 7:35
  when they arrive or leave.
• 7:37
  That's her quiet resistance.
• 7:39
  Your younger child who will not enter the playroom,
• 7:43
  having a lobby session,
• 7:45
  also resistance.
• 7:47
  Again,
• 7:47
  I don't know how far in your younger daughter is,
• 7:51
  but both of these girls
• 7:53
  are avoiding and resisting their work.
• 7:56
  So I suspect
• 7:58
  that
• 7:59
  they're just manifesting their frustration in different ways.
• 8:02
  They're manifesting their fear in different ways.
• 8:04
  One is saying this is stupid.
• 8:06
  I hate this.
• 8:06
  She talks to me like a baby,
• 8:08
  and one is saying,
• 8:08
  I'm not even going to go back in the playroom whatsoever.
• 8:11
  But they're both communicating exactly the same thing.
• 8:14
  This is scary,
• 8:15
  and this is overwhelming,
• 8:16
  and this is hard,
• 8:18
  and I don't know how I feel about this,
• 8:19
  and I don't even know if I'm ready to deal with this,
• 8:21
  so I'd rather not.
• 8:23
  So that brings me to your final
• 8:25
  point.
• 8:26
  I completely understand that some of my
• 8:27
  older daughter's reaction may simply be resistance,
• 8:30
  and I know she needs the support,
• 8:32
  and that's
• 8:33
  the truth right there.
• 8:35
  They both need support
• 8:37
  and they're both resisting and avoiding.
• 8:39
  I don't think this is a therapeutic fit issue.
• 8:42
  I don't think that she needs a more developmentally advanced approach.
• 8:47
  She can't handle a more
• 8:49
  advanced approach.
• 8:51
  It wouldn't be developmentally appropriate,
• 8:53
  but we could go with a more advanced approach.
• 8:55
  We could go with a more cognitive approach.
• 8:57
  We could go with a more worksheet
• 8:58
  driven approach.
• 8:59
  We could go
• 9:00
  with a directive approach where the therapist decides
• 9:03
  what the child needs to work on.
• 9:05
  None of those are developmentally appropriate
• 9:07
  and none of them are honoring and respectful of the child's pace.
• 9:11
  If you think your girls are resisting now
• 9:13
  when they are fully in charge,
• 9:14
  when they get to decide when they go back,
• 9:16
  when they get to decide what they do,
• 9:18
  when it's their pace and it's their time and it's their process,
• 9:22
  you think they're resisting now.
• 9:25
  You could switch to a different approach in therapy
• 9:27
  and
• 9:28
  it's gonna be infinitely worse because then they're gonna be forced
• 9:31
  and they're gonna be expected and someone's gonna ask them questions
• 9:35
  and someone's gonna make them talk about anger
• 9:37
  and someone's gonna make them do a worksheet on feelings.
• 9:40
  And that's when pushback's going to happen.
• 9:44
  Because
• 9:45
  we don't know best,
• 9:47
  the child knows when and how to tackle their stuff.
• 9:52
  Right now
• 9:53
  they're avoiding it.
• 9:54
  They're resisting it understandably,
• 9:55
  but they don't do that forever.
• 9:57
  So
• 9:58
  she's not at a place where she would want to talk about this.
• 10:02
  There's lots of kids that I just actually this week I answered a
• 10:06
  question on the
• 10:08
  clinical podcast.
• 10:09
  For those of you that may not know,
• 10:10
  I also do a therapist podcast
• 10:12
  also on child-centered play therapy.
• 10:14
  But I just answered a therapist question
• 10:17
  about an 11 year old that kept saying things in the playroom like,
• 10:21
  you don't even want to be here,
• 10:23
  and
• 10:24
  you say that to all the kids that you play with,
• 10:26
  and you're only in this for the money.
• 10:29
  And we actually talked about
• 10:30
  we could get caught up in the comments that that child is saying,
• 10:33
  but that's not what
• 10:34
  their child is communicating.
• 10:37
  All those statements
• 10:38
  are reflective of the junk
• 10:40
  that that child is bringing into that session.
• 10:42
  I don't value myself,
• 10:43
  so how do you value me?
• 10:45
  I don't like myself,
• 10:46
  so how do you like me?
• 10:48
  I don't even wanna be with myself.
• 10:49
  Why would you wanna spend time with me?
• 10:51
  There's all kinds of junk coming up in statements.
• 10:54
  So when your daughter
• 10:56
  comes in and says,
• 10:57
  she talks to me like a baby,
• 10:59
  that's her junk.
• 11:01
  Does she feel like she has to be older than she is?
• 11:03
  Does she feel like she has to be perfect?
• 11:05
  Does she feel like she has to be completely put together?
• 11:08
  Does she feel like if she rocks the boat or makes any kind of waves
• 11:11
  or gets upset or sad or fearful or any emotion other than a
• 11:15
  positive one that the world's gonna end because she has self-imposed pressure,
• 11:19
  that she has to be the one that keeps everything together and steady and stable?
• 11:23
  Of course she's gonna lament
• 11:25
  if she feels that she's being treated like a baby.
• 11:28
  No one's treating her like a baby.
• 11:31
  That's those are the words that she's saying
• 11:33
  to communicate something way deeper that's going on.
• 11:36
  So we always recognize complaints about therapy for what they are.
• 11:41
  It's their inability or their unwillingness
• 11:43
  to work on their junk in this moment.
• 11:45
  It's not a forever state.
• 11:46
  It's a temporary state.
• 11:48
  They're not able to do it yet,
• 11:50
  so we trust the process.
• 11:52
  We believe the child will eventually
• 11:55
  dive into what they need to do,
• 11:57
  and we have patience because we know that CCPT works.
• 12:01
  So huge kudos for having your girls in therapy,
• 12:04
  Tara,
• 12:05
  and I hope that this encourages you to stick it out
• 12:08
  and to trust the process.
• 12:09
  This is not easy.
• 12:11
  Therapy is very difficult,
• 12:13
  and sometimes we just expect kids to want to go in and play
• 12:17
  and want to go in and bond with the therapist,
• 12:20
  but
• 12:20
  that takes a lot of courage and it takes a lot of introspection
• 12:24
  and sometimes kids have to build up to that.
• 12:27
  So Tara,
• 12:28
  thank you so much for the question.
• 12:29
  I hope that was helpful for all of you.
• 12:30
  Like I said earlier,
• 12:31
  please email me.
• 12:32
  I'd love to hear from you,
• 12:33
  even if you just want to say hello.
• 12:35
  And I love you all.
• 12:36
  Keep loving on your kids.
• 12:36
  We'll talk again soon.
• 12:38
  Bye.
• 12:38
  Thank you for listening to
• 12:40
  the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
• 12:44
  For more episodes and just subscribe to our newsletter,
• 12:47
  please go to www.playtherapyparenting.com.