Latest / New Manager Conversations with Fexingo: First 90 Days, Managing Former Peers, and Leadership Basics / How New Managers Can Develop Their Own Leadership Voice
Transcript
- Lucas: A listener named Rachel wrote in with something I think a lot of new managers feel but don't say out loud. She said, 'I've been managing a team of five for three months, and I still feel like I'm playing a character. I'm using phrases my old boss used, I'm trying to sound confident, but it doesn't feel like me. How do I find my own leadership voice?' Luna: That word — 'character' — really lands. I remember my first few months managing, I'd literally rehearse lines in the car before a one-on-one. And it was exhausting. Lucas: Right, because you're trying to be someone else. The advice to 'just be yourself' isn't helpful either, because being yourself might mean being too quiet, or too informal, or too conflict-averse. So the real question is: how do you develop a leadership voice that feels authentic and actually works in the room? Luna: And I think there's a trap here — the idea that you have to have it all figured out before you open your mouth. So what's the starting point? Lucas: The research that sticks with me most on this comes from Herminia Ibarra, a professor at INSEAD. She wrote a book called 'Act Like a Leader, Think Like a Leader,' and her core argument is that you don't find your leadership style by introspection — you find it by trying on different approaches and seeing what fits. She calls it 'outsight' instead of insight. You get data by doing, not by thinking. Luna: So it's almost like prototyping. You test a few versions and see which one gets the best results and feels least like a costume. Lucas: Exactly. And that's very different from 'fake it till you make it,' which implies you're pretending until you finally become real. Ibarra's model is more like: borrow deliberately, then adapt. So you might try using a specific framing device your old manager used — like opening a difficult conversation with 'I want to share something I've been observing, and I'd love your perspective on it' — and then you pay attention. Does it create openness? Does it feel natural after three tries? Luna: And if it doesn't, you drop it and try something else. The key is you're not building an identity, you're building a toolkit. Lucas: That's a great way to put it. And I think there's a second layer here that matters a lot, which is the difference between what I'd call 'style' and 'substance.' Style is your tone, your body language, whether you use humor, whether you swear occasionally. Substance is the actual content — do you make clear decisions? Do you protect your team? Do you give honest feedback? New managers often obsess over style because it's visible, but teams actually care more about substance. Luna: Yeah, I've seen that. A manager who's a little awkward but always fights for the team's budget and never cancels one-on-ones — people will follow that person. A manager who's super polished but throws the team under the bus? Nobody respects that. Lucas: Right. So part of developing your voice is just making sure the substance is solid first. Once that's there, you have more permission to be imperfect with style. And actually, a little imperfection can help. Amy Cuddy's research on presence and power dynamics showed that people trust leaders who show some vulnerability — not weakness, but vulnerability. Asking a question you don't know the answer to. Admitting you're still learning a process. That signals approachability, and approachable leaders get more information from their teams. Luna: There's a fine line though. If you're too vulnerable too early, people might wonder if you're up to the job. How do you calibrate? Lucas: I think the rule is: vulnerability about things you're actively working on, not about fundamental competence. So it's okay to say, 'I'm still getting my head around the new reporting system, bear with me,' but it's not okay to say, 'I'm not sure I'm cut out for this.' One shows you're human and honest; the other puts your team in a position where they have to reassure you, which inverts the hierarchy. Luna: That distinction is really helpful. And it brings us back to Rachel's question — the 'playing a character' feeling. I think a big part of that is the gap between how you think a leader should sound and how you actually sound. And the bridge is practice, but not mindless practice. Lucas: Yeah, deliberate practice with feedback. One technique I like is to record yourself — or even just write down — how you handled a specific conversation. Then ask yourself: what did I say that worked? What did I say that felt forced? And then maybe ask a trusted peer or mentor: how did that come across? Most of us don't get that kind of mirror. Luna: I want to talk about a real example. A product manager I know — let's call her Sarah — took over a team that was used to a very directive, command and control style from the previous manager. Sarah is naturally collaborative, almost deferential. She tried to be more directive at first because she thought that's what the team expected, and it felt terrible. Lucas: So she was playing a character — the 'strong leader' character. Luna: Exactly. It wasn't her. So what she did instead was: she kept her collaborative style, but she added a clear structure. She started every meeting by stating the decision that needed to be made, she gave her view upfront, and then she invited discussion. She was still collaborative — but she was also decisive. The team responded well because they got the clarity they needed without the dictator vibe. Lucas: That's a beautiful example of adapting style without abandoning substance. She didn't change her personality; she changed her process. And that's often the move — not trying to be a different person, but adding a specific tool that addresses a gap. In her case, the gap was clarity and speed. So she added upfront framing. Luna: And over time, that became her voice. It wasn't borrowed from anyone — it was just her, with a few deliberate adjustments. Lucas: I think that's the destination for Rachel and for any new manager listening: a voice that feels like you, but a slightly more effective version of you. And the way you get there is by experimenting, getting feedback, and iterating. You don't have to nail it in the first three months. Luna: Yeah, and actually, the pressure to have a fully formed voice right away can be counterproductive. It pushes you into that 'character' zone. Instead, give yourself permission to be a work in progress. Lucas: Before we wrap, I want to take a quick beat to mention something that's top of mind for us. This show — and honestly the whole Fexingo network — exists because of listeners like you. We don't run ads, we don't have sponsors, and that's intentional. It means we can talk about whatever we think is actually useful without anyone else's agenda. Luna: And the way that works is a small group of listeners chip in monthly through buy me a coffee dot com slash fexingo. That's literally what funds making this many episodes. It's not a big ask — just that if this show has helped you through a career transition or a tough management moment, you might want to be part of keeping it going. Lucas: No pressure, genuinely. But if you've been thinking about it, that's the place. And we're grateful for everyone who already does. Luna: Alright, back to it. So we've talked about borrowing moves, substance over style, vulnerability calibration, and iterating. I want to land on one more thing: the role of your values in your leadership voice. Lucas: Yeah, because ultimately, voice isn't just about what you say — it's about what you stand for. If you know your top two or three values as a leader — say, honesty, growth, and collaboration — then you can filter your decisions and your words through that. It gives you a compass. Luna: And you can articulate that to your team. I've seen managers do a 'leadership philosophy' one-pager — just a few paragraphs on what they believe, how they make decisions, what they expect from the team. It's a shortcut to clarity. Lucas: That's a great practical takeaway. Write it down. Even if you never share it, the act of writing forces you to commit. And then when you're in a tough moment — say, delivering critical feedback or pushing back on a stakeholder — you can ask yourself: does this sound like the leader I wrote down? Luna: And if the answer is no, you have a chance to recalibrate in real time. Lucas: Rachel, if you're listening — and anyone else in those first six months — stop trying to be the leader you think you should be. Start trying to be the leader your team actually needs, using your own best instincts. The voice will come. Luna: And in the meantime, borrow freely, fail fast, and keep the substance solid. That's the recipe. Lucas: Next episode, we're going to talk about something that trips up a lot of new managers: how to handle a team member who's older or more experienced than you. That should be a good one. Luna: Looking forward to it. Until then, take care.