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When a highly sensitive man suffers… (INFP/INFJ) · Lightbearer's Library

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Hello, dear soul, and welcome to the Light Bears Library.
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_00: In today's journal entry, I want to talk about highly sensitive men and suffering.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: Now, I want to talk about this because of something specific that one of my YouTube friends who's in England shared with me about when he received his cancer diagnosis two years ago, his girlfriend left him.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_00: Now, I've heard many things in the comments of my videos from many highly sensitive men who have lost relationships because of their revealing their high sensitivity.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_00: So this is kind of all tied together with when a man sh either shares whether you when you share your high sensitivity with a potential, you know, girlfriend or wife or whatever, um that can scare women away.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_00: I haven't quite put my finger on it why that is.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I mean, we can all we can all probably take a guess at why.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_00: Because of the you know, masculine stereotype and also well, that's not what this video is about.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_00: So um uh and then also being in relationship and then something happening.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_00: So whether it's an an illness or a job loss, they're laid laid off, lots of men being laid off now, um, or whether it's yeah, financial stress or um I mean there's lots of different different things that happen in a depression that can shift the dynamics in a relationship.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that I've heard that a lot of women leave these relationships in a di and and marriages as well.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_00: And that it does something to me.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_00: It breaks it breaks my heart because I have been through in the last couple few years my own shift in dynamic with my highly sensitive INFJ husband.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: And it's it's been hard.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, I think when we moved to a different province in Canada, it it shifted the dynamic because of his high sensitivities, first of all, um, being just assaulted by, you know, um atmospheric pressure and weather patterns and the cold, um, and just he realized how sensitive he actually was versus living on a on the mild climate coast.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_00: So perhaps in a relationship when that dynamic changes, you move and all of a sudden your sensitivities come out and you have to kind of explain that.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: I knew he was highly sensitive, but we didn't have that terminology and that framework, which has been so helpful for both of us because I'm also highly sensitive, just not as much as him on a scale.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_00: He's like way at the high end of everything.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: So, and also the smoke here in Alberta, it's just it was just a lot for him.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_00: In addition to that, then like having felt like he'd thrown kind of thrown his life away as a martyr, perhaps INFJs can can um can resonate with that.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_00: But um because we moved here to be closer to my family and that didn't work out.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_00: So when that didn't work out, that felt like he'd kind of made a mistake.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: And so that in addition to other things, sort of trying to figure out what kind of world we're living in and you know what his theory of everything and and is religion the right path or what's happening here.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so there was like an existential crisis and depression and high sensitivities, you know, through the yin yang.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_00: And then um his OCD was just like triggered, triggered off um immensely.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_00: And and then on top of all that, you know, we had previously already been struggling with our business.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_00: We've been self-employed slash business owners slash YouTube um YouTubers for you know a decade.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_00: Um and so with we we teach we teach music online how to make music through music theory.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_00: And um with AI in the last number of years, our sales, you know, and and platforms like Google or whatever the search scraping all of his teachings.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: Like our sales have just been cut by 80%.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_00: And um so the financial strain uh on top of that has been intense and it still is.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_00: I I we're not, we don't know what what is going to happen.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_00: Um, we have cut every expense we possibly can and are eating very little and are just trying to figure it out, and that's why um that's why I started this channel because I was like, I need to step up and somehow we'll get to that because firstly I want to say about the suffering of my husband is that when we first moved here, it was initially it was it was so much to take in and and try and understand about this.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_00: Was before we knew he was an INFJ and I was an INFP, before we knew he was highly sensitive in the framework of that.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_00: And so nothing, it just was so overwhelming the shift that happened.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_00: And I was in so much fear and turmoil and chaos, especially with all the stuff that was going on with my family and the rejection and and pain and hurt on top of everything that was happening in my marriage and having no one to talk to about, neither one of us having other people to talk to about it, and no support from my family, and we have nobody else in our life to give us support.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: Um so I found myself in a lot of fear, a lot of anxiety, a lot of stress, and I'm not I'm not proud of how all that came out in the allowing my stress and anxiety and um panic to create I don't know quite what the right word is, drama in in the relationship, to to want him to make it better for me, to want him to be the strong one that he he has always been in our relationship.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_00: And I think it was also just um quite scary to see his mental health and physical health, you know, like his his sleep and his you know, just the the the the all of the the high sensitivity being the the dry air and his splins skin splitting and everything like it it um I think the thing is is that I freaked out inside.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_00: Um like partially consciously, partially unconsciously, um and I got I got scared.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_00: And so I think part of that came out in like being like angry, not at him, but but maybe at him.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_00: It's like I I and so it it got not because of anything he'd done, right?
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: But it's it's just that sense of like there's no one else sometimes to take out our our the stuff that comes up except with the person that we love the most.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_00: And so, you know, that kind of came up a lot, and and I think, you know, he was like, well, it's like you know, you just want to get divorced, and it's like, no, no, because I made a vow, you know, for richer for poorer, for better for worse in sickness and in health.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_00: And so for me, that is a sacred vow that I took with him and him only.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_00: And so what really shifted things for me and helped me so much.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm so grateful that we found the MBTI and the you know, the Myers-Briggs personality system, you know, some people can take it or leave it.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_00: From for us, it was it changed our life and being able to understand what was happening inside cognitively and the existential alienation that INFJs go through.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_00: It's like, my husband says it's like it's it wasn't really ethical.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_00: If you believe in God or there is a God, it's like it's he doesn't think it's ethical to have created the INFJ personality type.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_00: So that's his thoughts on that.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_00: Um But finding that was life-changing because it helped us to both go, okay, okay, there's a lot going on here and we can start to understand it.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_00: And finding out that he's an HSP and highly gifted and all this stuff, it was just like, okay, we can figure this out.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_00: So that got to the point last year where um I was, you know, because because our business has kind of been uh we went and he was in burnout before our business kind of started going down um in in in income.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_00: And so, but it's just that it got it got harder and harder to see a way forward.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_00: So I was kind of being more of a housewife than anything because there wasn't much to offer to the the business because he'd kind of yeah, he he has all the teachings, he's he's the brains behind behind that.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_00: So I was like, I need I need to do something, you know, I need to um my thing was I need to get a job.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_00: And he's always like, a job is not secure, right?
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_00: A job is like, you know, and in this country, it's like the jobs are being given to people of certain labels and things.
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_00: So, you know, getting a job might not even be an option necessarily.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so I was like, okay, I need to create something.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_00: So Light Bears Library was as much for my own sanity to get it, to get all this stuff out of my own self, to to try and organize my my mind in in these journal entries, but also as a way of finding a way to to offer something of my myself, of my all of all of skills, my empathy and compassion, whatever it was, to to be able to have a an equal exchange of and of my energy and my my abilities for for some income to pay for our food and our rent.
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_00: Um and so because we're minimalists, we don't, besides his books, which you know, it's like it keeps insane.
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_00: So anyway, that's and then and then all a few highly sensitive men turned up on my channel and drove.
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_00: So it's like you chose me.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_00: And I the more I learn about men in this culture and highly sensitive men, I'm just it's I feel this incredible sense of responsibility to show up and just not to fix you, not to save you, not to do anything, but just to honor your experience because it's my husband's experience and your comments and your support supports me first and foremost.
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_00: Going going through this um because I don't feel so alone, and that really helps me to support him and love him and show up for him, and then you know, and then he broke his toe last month, and it's like he's just um I I I have so much more love and compassion and and and I'm trying to manage all of my own stuff for myself and pouring myself into this channel full-time every day, all day, just um it it's helping me to keep focused and sane and not not panic and not bring all of that um fear and drama and anxiety into our relationship.
• 14:03
  SPEAKER_00: So your comments help me to feel sane, help me to know that that he's not alone in what he's going through.
• 14:13
  SPEAKER_00: So it's kind of like you're helping me and I'm helping him, and he's helping me to help you.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_00: That's kind of how I I'm thinking about it, you know.
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_00: Because it's his experiences that, you know, having been married to him for nine years this month and longer, we've been together longer than that, but it's just he's the most precious person to me in the whole wide world.
• 14:39
  SPEAKER_00: And so your help helps me to love him more, and that's the most precious thing that um you could give me.
• 14:51
  SPEAKER_00: However, um, talking about offerings, because in my last video I I offered a group, men's group video chats, and I know that was a tentative offering because my husband is like, I wouldn't join your group.
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_00: Uh and I think I've heard from most INFJs that are like, yeah, that's not, you know, because because for for him, and it's just like online, his his his cognitive function of if you if you know the cognitive functions of extroverted feeling wants to be in person with people, wants to feel their energy, see their microexpressions, and and sense their whole their whole being and loves being loves being generally in with people, right?
• 15:44
  SPEAKER_00: And so I've heard from many of you saying like in person would be would be a great thing.
• 15:49
  SPEAKER_00: And obviously, we live all over the world, so that's not, you know, we it unfortunately.
• 15:55
  SPEAKER_00: If you if you live in Alberta, if you live in southern Alberta, maybe we could, but you know, um, but so that's kind of not, but he's like, you know, I would do I would do one-to-ones with you.
• 16:07
  SPEAKER_00: I would do your audio letters, you know, and send you a message and then get you to to talk to me.
• 16:14
  SPEAKER_00: And so, um, yeah, if those if the group if the group thing is not going to be a good offering, like I'm I I just want to offer and serve you to the best of my ability and the best of my capacity.
• 16:29
  SPEAKER_00: Um and and know that I I don't ever want you to think that I am I am using using you to get views or m make money in some way or to that is not my intention.
• 17:01
  SPEAKER_00: That is I want to as an INFP, my heart is to is to help the help the people that society rejects.
• 17:18
  SPEAKER_00: And at this moment my heart is with you as highly sensitive men because my husband is one of them.
• 17:26
  SPEAKER_00: And um it's so it's something I can speak to with so much um compassion and clarity and and experience and knowledge, and I'm committed to learning more through your comments, through reading other things about about men's experience and highly sensitive men's experience in our culture, and and and I'm and I'm dedicated to this.
• 17:51
  SPEAKER_00: And I this is not about making a ton of money.
• 17:55
  SPEAKER_00: This is about being able to feed my husband and feed myself and house ourselves when I'm when I'm making offerings to you.
• 18:06
  SPEAKER_00: So that being said, I'm gonna stop.
• 18:09
  SPEAKER_00: I was told by some men, this like he was he was saying, what was it?
• 18:13
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, Jade.
• 18:14
  SPEAKER_00: He's it was so helpful.
• 18:16
  SPEAKER_00: It was like, don't justify, argue, defend, or explain.
• 18:20
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for that.
• 18:23
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm not trying to do those things.
• 18:26
  SPEAKER_00: So if there is something, some kind of thought that you had about what I could offer you that would be helpful, I'm all ears, and um I want to make it a fair exchange of all the effort and energy that I'm putting in for monetary exchange.
• 18:48
  SPEAKER_00: And I know as an as an INF, like we don't like putting ourselves out there charging money for things.
• 18:56
  SPEAKER_00: We'd rather do everything for free, and it's like, but we also need to eat.
• 19:03
  SPEAKER_00: Anyway, sorry for all that emotion, it's just emotional because I'm still going through all this, but you make every day worth getting up in the morning for, and I know that my husband has been dealing with you know thoughts of not being here.
• 19:31
  SPEAKER_00: Um and I have, and I know many of you have, and having those things to get up in the morning for are really um powerful.
• 19:42
  SPEAKER_00: So if you're out there suffering, if you're out there I started this video talking about, you know, women leaving men because of suffering, and and if a woman has done that to you, I am so sorry.
• 19:58
  SPEAKER_00: And that that hurts my heart, and I because that is not something that I I will will ever do.
• 20:07
  SPEAKER_00: It's like this whole experience has helped me to know that I have the strength and the courage to stick by my husband for all of the things, you know, in sickness and in poverty and in all the things.
• 20:23
  SPEAKER_00: All the things.
• 20:24
  SPEAKER_00: And he has taught me how to be a good human being.
• 20:30
  SPEAKER_00: And and and you and your comments teach me so much and show me that there are good human beings out there in the world that not all is dark and not all is hopeless.
• 20:45
  SPEAKER_00: So hang in there if you're suffering, hang in there if you're if you're sick, if you're also going through financial struggles, if you're lonely or suffering, whatever it is, I see you and I respect you as a man.
• 21:01
  SPEAKER_00: And none of those things make you less than, and your high sensitivity doesn't make you less than.
• 21:08
  SPEAKER_00: It's like uh we should all honor that gift.
• 21:13
  SPEAKER_00: And I think I should leave it there because I could go on.
• 21:19
  SPEAKER_00: Um anyway, I wish you so many blessings.
• 21:24
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you so much for showing up here on my channel.
• 21:27
  SPEAKER_00: I have been truly blessed by your presence, and I will continue to show up in the best way that I can every single video.
• 21:38
  SPEAKER_00: And um, thank you.
• 21:41
  SPEAKER_00: XOXO Kate.