Latest / Upcoming Trial of Nathan Chasing Horse April 14, 2025 / The origin of my own self-defeating behavior
Transcript
- Marina Crane: Good morning. This is Marina Crane. I hope you're having a good day. It's Saturday, April the 18th. When I look at my podcasts and I think in my early studies in psychology, they'd have us do, or any kind of social work type of format, they'd have us do some self-reflection. So my podcast usually is about self-reflection. from just to get ⁓ a viewpoint from me about who actually listens to my podcast. I think in Canada it's mostly ⁓ young women from 25 to 35. In the States I think it's older women. And nice, I mean it's good that at least I have an audience. But at the same time too I do have my blogger site which originally started 20 years ago and I've been getting some feedback on that website as well. The reality though is ⁓ the sentencing of Nathan Chasing Horse is coming up on the 27th. And whether or not people really wish to understand what motivates me, ⁓ that's a really deep question because there are so many things that do motivate me. And I really didn't understand the catalyst of why I do what I do. But hopefully in my podcast you get to dissect a lot of the things that I've thought about and changes in my life. But I've attached a few ⁓ notes and I'm going to, it's gonna sound like I'm reading from, you know, like from an outline and I am in a way, but I'd like to read them and then also add a few of my ⁓ opinions on it. And usually I listen to this lady on TikTok who's Indigenous and we were talking about reframing prayer beyond asking for favour. And she is saying that often prayers are often understood as a practice of communication with a deity where individuals make requests or seek blessings. The underlining belief is that by being good and performing good deeds, one's prayers will be answered. However, in many indigenous and earth-based traditions, again, earth-based traditions, like I said, I'm reading this, it's not my own wording. The concept of prayer extends far beyond this transactional mode. And I understand this because I had met with ⁓ Chief Edward Mercury, who was the national chief in Canada, and we were talking about wiping away and releasing soul ceremony and the impact that within the Sioux culture that has within our community in terms of collective and holistic healing. But not only that, there are various tribes like in BC that do the same type of ceremony. So I read on here, prayer is not about asking for something, but rather about engaging in a conversation with nature, with ancestors, and with the world around us. So on the 27th, I'm hoping to do a prayer circle with the survivors. These are individual ⁓ people who'd been part of Nathan Chasing Horse's organization, or they supported him. ⁓ like some for 50 years. it's not, when I talk about supporters, I'm not talking about someone who just met him 10 years ago or 20 years ago. I'm talking about like a long time commitment. ⁓ And even one time when I did go down to his Sundance, I met his first cousin. and his first cousin made a comment about, he says, you know, people could figure these things out for themselves rather than going and asking him. And I think that's why, like when ⁓ prayer in Indigenous communities, it's like with nature and with ancestors. And rightfully so, ⁓ I think ⁓ when we do ⁓ acknowledge our ancestors that ⁓ it has greater meaning. So... Part of what I want to do is ⁓ do smudge and prayer around ⁓ releasing and ⁓ releasing like the soul or ⁓ like moving forward. So I hope to take a piece of white material. And when the sentencing is, and again, I'm going to have a smudging conversation prior to entering the courtroom. I will be just bearing witness. Nobody in the audiences can say anything. But at the moment when I hear what he's getting, I will rip that white piece of material, symbolically like ripping the tear in the fabric of time and space and the continuum will say so that my niece can, her soul and spirit can walk through. ⁓ Releasing her soul ceremony, like just acknowledging that she had been a victim of Nathan chasing Horace and the struggle she had as a teenager. I don't think a lot of people can understand the concept of what it is for someone to be walking around as a young person who is a danger to themselves and others. As a young person, I really didn't ⁓ understand that. And again, ⁓ that's part of why I do the work I do. There's a lot of things that I had pivotal moments in my jobs that I had that I wondered, ⁓ how did I overcome this? Or do I really need to do more healing? So hoping to interview these survivors of Nathan Chasing Horse. and asking questions and basically just validating all the courage and bravery it took for them to consistently show up in court and consistently bear being there for each other. It's such a dynamic force, especially when the individuals are not living in the same, you know, they're not living in Las Vegas. They're coming in from California, from Montana, from Canada, from New Mexico, from Arizona. Okay, so I'm going on. Gifts, economic, economic keys, with, well, okay, it's the reciprocity, reciprocity with the land. Gifts. were not limited to exchange among people. They included the land and all living beings. Thanks were given to the earth, providing food and gratitude was extended to the animals that offered nourishment or wisdom. prayers and gratitude were woven into the ceremonies, which included just not just words, but the dance, music and long forms of communication with reverence. So those practices are seen in say the Dakota Sundance. ⁓ When I say Dakota, I mean Lakota Nakota as well. ⁓ This being said to all the psychological ⁓ healing modalities that come in with the dance and music and the communication, it does ⁓ all have to do with ceremony, that collective holistic way of healing. ⁓ A lot of times when Nathan Chasing Horse had his Sundance, and I'm only saying, like I only went to one of his Sundances, More so out of curiosity because I really ⁓ exhausted all my efforts to reach out to people to email me any references about him. So when I went down to, ⁓ what's that place, ⁓ in Montana, ⁓ Wolf's Point, I did communicate with people, exchanged phone numbers. especially the couple who, where they were hosting, he actually had a Sundance there. The reality of it is I only went there once and I had been to the Sundance my brother had put up as well as I'd gone to another Sue Sundance afterwards. So basically people do go to Sundances and some make it ⁓ sort of like a ⁓ ritual of finding as many Sundances and attending, you know, making a commitment to attend someone's Sundance for four years. And then they go on to another Sundance leader and do the same. Now, the reason I'm mentioning Nathan Chasing Horse is that... a lot of the ceremonies, especially when my brother was hosting it, there had to be a lot of people involved, especially when you plant the Sundance tree and just the whole volunteerism of feeding the workers and providing ⁓ all the necessities for when someone is ⁓ participating in the Sundance. The hardest thing, I think, was for to get a young woman who would represent white buffalo calf woman. Now in terms of Nathan Chasing Horse, I can't even comprehend the amount of young women that were groomed by his older male and female supporters. They talked about purity and ⁓ talking about... supposedly healthy human sexuality and keeping oneself virginal, which again too is like this colonial construct. ⁓ The sad reality of it is like that wasn't for the safety of the girls, it was for the addiction of Nathan Chasing Horse because his older women would, after the Sundance, these young girls, they'd set them up in a hotel ⁓ And because they had kept themselves virginal, Nathan would go in and sexually assault them. Those are just one of the many stories that I've heard from his various followers. So it's not a question of like during the time that they knew what was happening. It was after they decided to leave. not only that, but a lot of the people who were following him also had partners that were following him. there was just the whole dynamics of what people would keep secret and then eventually would percolate up to the surface. Okay, so the power of ceremony and transforming energy is another topic. From a scientific perspective, music, dance and song produce sound waves that can shift energy within the body. Now this is proven. Biologically, the body is composed entirely of energy, nutrients are transformed ⁓ into usable energy for movement, thought and breath. Science teaches that energy cannot be created nor destroyed. It only changes form. In ceremony, people seek to transform the negative energy into positive energy or to restore balance to their nervous system and the environment. So a lot of times when I grew up in White City schools, there were a of children, because I was a child, they'd say to me, make it rain, do a rain dance, make it rain. And it got to the point where I just like, ⁓ my goodness. I would just string them along and say, okay, I'm going to make it rain. Because if they could believe that I had this power, then they would believe anything. Now, the reality of it is the whole, like, our nervous system and the environment we live in had to be in balance. And when you're living on the land and you're, you know, like you're actually feeding off the land. I understand this because until I was five years old, that's all we ate. We ate off the land. There was no stores or anything and we'd go down the pick the snare, snaring rabbits and then the men would have wild game. And so it was all eating off the land. I know it's a really hard concept for people to understand. in terms of having like restoring balance ⁓ to the nervous system because you you have flight or flight responses that are part of our nervous system and that's part of the explanation too when I talk about learned helplessness or or self-defeating behavior based on the nervous system and how in our childhoods we get frightened, we're scared. ⁓ Again that's We have to always find something to convert that fear into a way of coping with what we're afraid of and the reality of finding balance. rituals for balance beyond stereotypes. Ceremonial practice such as rain dance have often been misunderstood rather than simply petitioning a god for rain. These ceremonies were a means to sense when the earth was out of balance and to help restore harmony through collective energy and intention. So again, ⁓ this restored energy through collective energy. When I say you grow up in a community where you're collective and there's holistic ways of intent, unless you've actually been raised in it, you really don't have a full grasp of it because you haven't really like... Eight, breathe and like you, that balance. ⁓ You see it and you hear it and you feel it. ⁓ One of the reasons why I do my podcast is to ⁓ enhance that, that our bodies are energy. Understanding offerings and the cycle of life. Death was not feared in the way it is often feared today. there was an understanding that the body filled with energy could return to the earth or water or be transformed through cremation. This energy would become nutrient-substaining future life, often offering oneself back to the earth, was seen as feeding of the land that once provided sustenance, an act of healing and recepticity. rather than loss. In many cultures, individuals were buried with their dogs. Those energies were believed to help guide the departed through the cycle of life. We hear that a lot about Indigenous cultures throughout the Americas. So ⁓ for me, ⁓ when I talk about death and dying, and I have ⁓ a brother-in-law who's dying of cancer, and my sister ⁓ doesn't want to face it. And I said to my other sister, I said, that's because she hasn't been around death a lot. And when you're a collective holistic community, you're around death a lot. And it's just the reality of helping people ⁓ to help guide the person who's left us. Spiritual science and the loss of connection, spirituality is understood as a natural part of existence. Not as mythology, science and religion were once closely tied with science rooted in nature and observation. That's why it's so ironic or funny in a sense that you have world leaders now in ⁓ developed countries who ⁓ just don't believe in science. with climate change and just the way the weather is changing. Like even within this month, ⁓ one day it's rain, one day there's ⁓ five inches of snow, the next day it's totally melted. This has been going on for a whole month. or maybe two months now. So people are getting really, you know, wondering what's going to happen. Summer hasn't even come yet and so I'm expecting to have this really hot summer and a lot of places are going to have, you know, there's going to be so much ⁓ happening that people are going to be wanting water and wanting to find some balance. Maintaining a relationship with nature meant seeing the land as a relative, not as a commodity. Again, you when you sell water, that's saying that, you know, it's a commodity. This connection extended to ancestors who were believed to pass knowledge through the intuition and the DNA. ⁓ One time somebody as an artist asked me about my ancestors and I said, ⁓ I said, I don't have to have met my great grandparents. I said everything that I am is a part of that DNA that they sent that has been gifted to me in my life. And so it goes on, listening to one's intuition was understood as listening to the wisdom of the ancestors and trusting the land itself. The consequences of disconnection, the separation of religion, from science and the subsequent disconnection with nature was a means of serving people from ancestral knowledge, severing people from ancestral knowledge. So when people ask me to come and be a knowledge, like a knowledge keeper, ⁓ like I'm really saying, yes, I did live off the land. You know my my grip my parents did that and my grandparents and it's a really hard concept to understand especially now with a whole new generation that have never lived off the land like they go to McDonald's or they go to the nearest grocery store all that I didn't grow up with and and just within 75 years all this has been changing and ⁓ Okay, so once people were taught to pray to an invisible entity in heaven, it became easier to view the land as a resource to be exploited rather than as a living relative. The natural spirituality that once guided relationships with the land and each other was gradually lost as science and religion drifted apart. So a lot of times, to in ceremony, especially when it comes to the sacred, the secret teachings of White Buffalo Calf Woman. My grandfather, who spoke fluent Dakota, he taught my mother and her older brother how to read and write in Dakota Sioux. And the Sioux lawyers would come up into Canada to have them translate the old Sioux. ⁓ Like it's a really hard concept for people to understand because of history saying that as Indigenous people, we didn't have any ways of communicating. I don't think people really have given much credit to our contribution to the world in terms of just the history that was lost or the history that was deliberately hidden. And I think that's why lot of people, non-Indigenous people, are gravitating to Indigenous spirituality. And again, they can do all that they want. You have to actually be raised and born in it. So in the 70s, a lot of people went to small boys camp to raise their children on the land to get back to that spirituality of connection with nature. And again, like I said, a large part of my talking about in my podcast has to do with healing. And a large part of it has to do with a lot of ⁓ spiritual leaders who are corrupt, who do horrific things and say and talk about ⁓ spirituality as like a conjuring spell. Like once upon a time, like we're going to live this way now. Which really you can't because this holistic collective. it affects everybody within the community. So everybody doesn't go to grocery stores. Everybody doesn't, like it's, everybody's living off the land. Like it's so, ⁓ it's so huge. And to even comprehend that now, ⁓ it's next to impossible. But again, we are human beings and the way things are looking like today, the reality of the fact that we might've been very ⁓ advanced and that some huge catastrophe took place and that we had to rebuild. So as human beings, we do have that flight or fright response where we do rise to the occasion to change. ⁓ again, I'm only talking from my own personal life. A lot of times when I did study psychology and the basics, 101 and self-reflection and talking about ⁓ childhood development and how I did or did not develop in the standards of colonial mindset. Which is fine. mean, you when you're talking to non-Indigenous people, that's the way they think. ⁓ most of the time when I do talk on my podcast, I believe I'm doing cross-cultural service. Because again, I do think a lot of people who do listen to my podcast, the young women are indigenous. I do think the older audience are non-indigenous. But anyway, I'm going to go into a little bit about self-defeating behavior. And I'm not going to call it anything. It could be called complex post-traumatic stress disorder. It could be called so many things, but it is an experience of limerence. a self-defeating behavior can be intensified feelings of limerence, making them feel an essential, it's essential as oxygen to a person experiencing them. So this emotional state of becoming intertwined with romantic regulation leading to constant thoughts about another individual. Okay, so the emotional state is often intertwined with the romance regulation. Now what does it have to do with me as a child? Well, when my father would be drinking and scare... my mother, like what was going to happen if she was going to get beaten up? She would plan ahead and move the mattresses outside, especially in the spring and summer. So when he did come home, we'd escape into the bushes and sleep under the stars on these mattresses. I mean, making sure we were quiet. So for me, that fear of ⁓ being found would mean that, you know, my mother would get would have the potential to get beaten up. or that just being a frightened child, ⁓ that emotional ⁓ state, like the nervous system. Now, what does it have to do with romantic regulation? Well, it's my mother and father. The constant thought about another individual, it's like my mother would be there just thinking in fear of my dad. And ⁓ I always thought, you when people say, well, How did you grow up? And I thought okay, I grew up seeing my father beat up my mom. It never really occurred to me the deep impact that it had on me in terms of ⁓ self-defeating behavior. ⁓ Sometimes one's mind may hinge entirely on the presence or the absence of contact with this person. So even the presence of my father or the absence of him or even even in times where I needed to have my mother, but both parents were absent. Not because they were deliberately absent. I truly believe that the... the trauma bonds they formed in Indian residential school and the ability to say I love you to each other or to their children. ⁓ I rarely ever saw my parents hug. I think I've only seen them kiss in public in the home a few times. That was it. Mind you, they kept their boundaries. They had their own room, so there was no... You know, were very, ⁓ the boundaries of sexuality was, they made sure that their children didn't see them. For this effect, even a simple reply can stabilize their emotions. So with my mother, it would be just like, you know, keep quiet. Everything's going to be fine. Go to sleep. While silence may cause destabilization. So without even knowing that my parent, that I was creating this because of the fear response of just not knowing that this man who is supposed to be my dad isn't really my dad. It's destabilizing because he's not the man who provided for us or fed us or joked with us or supported us. was a completely different person. The experience is compelling, almost urgent, and the body reacts intensely. So when I say, ⁓ not just the mind when attempting to step back from these feelings, so it's the feelings of fear, like fearing. ⁓ my father. This is a man who I trusted, a man who was going to keep me safe. All of a sudden, I was afraid of him, that he could kill my mother or kill us. I don't know, like my child's mind can't comprehend it. However, my adult, like a teenager, young adult, how it responded to it, had a deep impact my entire life. So, Again, I'm talking about self-defeating behavior called limerence. Scientific research such as neuro imagery studied by Lucy Brown as shown in the early stage, romantic attachment activates dopamine enriched motivational systems in the brain, which are linked to focus and reward. So, you know, the focus is be quiet, you'll go to sleep and everything will be fine. that dopamine and like even like I like the memory or the Intensity of it as a child even now as an adult. It's as if like it only happened yesterday This means romantic attachment is treated by the brain as a powerful motivational state So even though ⁓ I'm a child trying to comprehend You know, there's something's out of balance something's not working. The romantic attachment between my parents, ⁓ you know, is deregulated. What's going on here? For individuals whose early relationships were unpredictable, the relief and the emotional significance found in connection can be even more profound. So I only mention this because in the study of psychology and when you get into like masters or PhD programs, a lot of people when you're studying psychology don't really tell you and sit down and say, you know, if this happened to you under the age of 10 or if this happened to you between 11 and 16, you know, unethically, ethically they can't. But the reality of it is that emotional significance, again, the connection is so profound. that ⁓ like for me, I'm only saying it from my own knowledge. The experience of flight or fright had to just be the fact that we had to ⁓ fly into the bushes, settle down and be quiet and sort of fall asleep in our fear. That's not the same as somebody who's actually. you know, adult sexually assaulting a child and the significance of what it does to a child who does not perceive account, what do call, consent under the age of 10 or even how they perceive it in brain development from 10 to 15, let alone from, you know, 15 to 25. So all this has a deep impact. on a person's identity and human development. So again, this learned helplessness is called limerence, therefore is not a sign of foolishness. It is a reflection of highly focused and powerful motivational circuits centering on one person. And that one person was my father. Now, what does it have to do with cults and... you know, being vulnerable or ⁓ not finding intimacy or just having a difficult time ⁓ finding balance. this is often the shift often the shift towards healing does not come from focusing detachment, but rather in building alternative sources of emotional steadiness. So for me, ⁓ when I became sexually active, ⁓ I just thought, I'm not going have somebody control me. I'm going to be promiscuous and ⁓ I'll have it within my power to have this steadiness in my life. ⁓ But yet I didn't understand that I, just like men being promiscuous, society ⁓ accepts men being promiscuous, whereas they shun women who are. And yet the human response For promiscuity means it's a sign of healing. So in that sense, I was on the path of healing to find some emotional stability. And in that sense, led me on a totally different path than most women my age. And again, I have to reflect back. There was no birth control when I was born. And as I became a teenager, all this science. all this revolutionary free love and all this music was coming about. And it's really hard for young people to comprehend that because yes, it's like I was living in a fairy tale, but it was really not a fairy tale. I was living and I think I assume that a lot of people still live in purity culture. So again, that's a that's a whole part of enabling. So this finding alternative resources ensures that the single relationship does not become a sole means of emotional regulation. ⁓ So ⁓ much of the time when I was the oldest and I had to take care of my brothers and sisters and I was at the beck and call of my mother. and based on how she praised me or didn't praise me was part of that emotional regulation. As long as I took care of my brothers and sisters, I was looked after. I had no conflict with my mother. My grandparents helped raise me and basically protected me because they knew I had such a hard task in washing diapers. At that time, was no such thing as Pampers. ⁓ rabbits so we could eat, learning how to cook. Like as a child I'm doing all this helping my mother. So often breaking the cycle begins with the nervous system regulation. When a person's baseline is stabilized relationships no longer feel like emotional emergencies. So when you say like emotional emergencies it's more like ⁓ my goodness I'm going through anxiety I'm gonna have an anxiety attack. Well It's like, okay, what do you do to in your relationship so you don't feel anxious? Well, I didn't even know what I was doing when I moved to Utah. ⁓ sometimes when I felt ⁓ like, I don't know, I didn't feel like I was stable, because there was such a pressure to get married in this Mormon community that ⁓ I thought the only way I could appease my peers was to appear that I was interested in a man. Now, how does that metaphorically or symbolically attach to the image of my mother? Well, it's the validation that I'm doing something right. So I didn't even know that I was. There was like this emotional emergency because of the peer pressure to date and to marry a Mormon man and be sealed in the Mormon temple. So as a sinner, would go to, it would be a free pass to heaven. Like I mean, that in itself is a cult. And again, we're going into this whole ⁓ issue of what is a cult. And the reality of it is like I explained in other podcasts, know, individuals spend months and years studying certain behavior and write their master's thesis on such behavior. So if you feel overwhelmed with what I talk about, ⁓ no, this process that I talk about took decades for me to understand ⁓ what it is that I was doing. because a lot of times I'd wonder why am I thinking this way? ⁓ Why do I feel this way? So I've really deconstructed my life as an elder and I'm hoping part of you who listen to my podcast will find some similarities with what I'm talking about because there is hope in eliminating a self-defeating behavior. Even in my earlier years in university, enrolled in ⁓ a lot of, ⁓ like I had an opportunity to talk to academics about self-defeating behavior and how to document journal. That's why I say like even with my podcast, a lot of this ⁓ narrative that I talk about is similar to journaling or reflecting or having some insight into my own way of thinking. So such stabilization is the key focus. rewiring program which aims to help individuals build regulated baseline and track their progress. So a lot of this ⁓ when I talk about tracking your progress, most of the time too it's ⁓ having a select group of people that you involve in your support system. And believe me with each regulation or each time there's a stabilization happening it could take five years, ten years. Like I'm an elder and I'm just saying that to regulate someone's baseline, you have to have ⁓ some reflection and knowing that sometimes your support group, outgrow them and you're grateful that you were able to track your progress with them. Participants can observe changes in their nervous system over time. And like for me, ⁓ I realized that if I was sexually active, ⁓ I would always my nervous system, like I couldn't, it was really difficult for me to observe any changes in my nervous system if I was being sexually active and being stimulated with each new partner. So for seeking those, seeking an understanding of my self-defeating behavior, keeps me in survival mode. Resources like inner master class. Like again, I'm reading from this, I'm trying to talk about journaling and I'm trying to talk about when you're in survival mode. I'm talking about having guided imagery in the sense of having someone who knows what they're doing. Like somebody who would lose their license if they gave you the wrong information. And I'm not talking about seeking somebody like Nathan Chasinghors, which was the whole problem to begin with when he said he had worked with youth. I thought he had some training in self-defeating behavior. ⁓ I thought he had done some university studies, not realizing he was illiterate. But I regress. Again, ⁓ moral injury and systemic betrayal. perfect topic when it comes to Nathan Chasing Horse. Many survivors of abuse experience additional wounds beyond the trauma itself, known as systemic betrayal or moral injury. This occurs when survivors turn to systems for help, expecting protection, understanding and validation from their experience. That's why I say, trust nobody with your children. Even as an adult, we have to constantly be aware and like I said even this past month I had to give up a friendship that I had for 20 years I had this friendship ⁓ and again you know I've never had a partner or children so a lot of times I've been able to ⁓ step away from people who weren't supporting me. Like, ⁓ anytime there was some sort of systemic betrayal or moral injury, I would step away, you know, because they were deliberately ⁓ jealous of me or they were deliberately, ⁓ what they call it, ⁓ baiting me, ⁓ like really wanting to hurt me. So, you know, I was expecting protection and understanding when I wasn't getting any. ⁓ and even having some people validate my experience, especially if I'm really challenging. You my personality and character is very challenging. It's really difficult for some people to ⁓ even still maintain a relationship with me. And again, I'm only self-reflecting. I, as an individual who's gone through major changes throughout my... each decade, we'll say. I always say those decades are like ⁓ different life, stages of life, different characters in my life, the evolution of the self. But to find those systems lacking, the ⁓ absence of acknowledgement or support creates a unique hurt. sometimes described as an invisible wound or even sole wound by therapists and even by me. Like I was so devastated after I came back from Las Vegas and the manipulation or the narcissistic Machiavellian ⁓ post that ⁓ this lady sent me that sent me into just It just hurt me because it hadn't anything to do with me, but it had to do with my family and the reality that I am the oldest. I used to change my brother's diapers and for my brother to serve time for sexual interference and for me to step in and help protect his children. And I say, you know, his children didn't commit the crime, nor did I. But living with people who ⁓ are jealous or just want to hurt because whatever they're going through, they want other people to, they want to feel better or superior. And like, the topic and the... ⁓ text that was sent to me was so devastating. ⁓ I had to call the police. So like I said, it's the reality in the validation and the support. I was just very fortunate that I had a lot of people that I could reach out to. And it's very often that I break down in tears. But that's how devastating it was because it had to do with like my brother and people saying he should be banished and then saying that I supported him and I too am a pedophile and look at what we did to my poor niece. And like I've said to people, ⁓ when people hurt me this way, they should put my niece's soul to rest and stop it. This is a crime that happened 20 years ago. So survivors may internalize blame. wondering if they failed to explain their situation, document evidence, or fight hard enough. And that's where sometimes I think people get battle fatigue. That whole, you know, I'm explaining the situation, here's what happened. I didn't fight hard enough, especially ⁓ like when I was sexually assaulted, I was like hospitalized. I had ⁓ concussion. ⁓ Because after I was sexually assaulted, the fellow ⁓ who was part of ⁓ a serial rapist ⁓ had told me to go back upstairs and I said, Tim, if you thought I enjoyed what you did to me, you gotta be kidding. The first punch I was out, I didn't realize he had continually beat me with his fists on my skull and I have all these scars from, like that's like, geez, that's almost 50 years ago. And ⁓ the reality of it is like for 20 years I had to explain the situation when people would ask me about the sexual assault. It wasn't until I met a non-Indigenous woman who helped me with support groups. Like I said, it's important to find systems of help. And she asked me, she said, does this man know he hurt you? And I said, well, I told him he's got to be kidding when he wanted me to go back into that room. And she says, no, does he know he hurt you? And from that experience, I went and I started reporting, documented evidence, gave it to the RCMP, and they in turn did the investigation. And I just thought like I didn't fight hard enough. Like I fought. I fought, there were witnesses there who saw me struggling and fighting and they didn't help. So this whole, ⁓ what do call it, internalized blame, I didn't realize I was holding that for 20 years until this ⁓ barbie said to me, know, does he know he hurt you? It's important to recognize that many systems are not trained fully to recognize or respond to coercive control. This is not a personal failure. See, that was the thing after I went to court that Barbie says to me, ⁓ once you do it, you'll reflect and say, why didn't I do this sooner? Because then it's not, it's not has nothing to do with a personal failure for me. But yet for years when I'd go to school and I wasn't doing well academically, just thought that like something, it's personal failure in all aspects of life. So they say like when you're looking at a self-defeating behavior, it's reflecting back on one little thing that has this ripple that just permeates or manifests your whole being. When really it isn't, it isn't that overpowering, but until you actually have the courage to stand, find someone who's going to challenge you like Barbie did with me and how she bared witness, how she held space for me and saying, does he know he hurt you? And to even be there in the courtroom when he was found guilty. And that's why, like for me, ⁓ knowing these survivors of Nathan Chasing Horse and knowing how many decades it took them to find the courage to realize that it wasn't a sign of their personal failure. This was, like in this thing, it says to recognize many systems are not trained to fully recognize or respond to coercive control. And that's the thing about educating people about lateral violence or violence or just learned helplessness or self-defeating behavior. We have it all. Every one of us has had to struggle with certain behavioral ⁓ instincts that we have, this fright and fright response. So when I talk about this as an elder, I'm hoping I'm reaching out to lot of Indigenous youth, a lot of young women. The majority of women who do not report sexual assault is so huge. The biology of men in their sexual desire is primitive. We're human beings. There should be no taboo or we should not be oppressed in talking about healthy human sexuality, especially when it comes to how men try to normalize sexual assault ⁓ and the fact that women are scared to talk about healthy human sexuality. Okay, so these injuries deserve healing and compassion, not self blame or blame of unsupportive systems. So when I was attacked in ⁓ saying that I was supporting my pedophile brother, ⁓ I said to leadership, said, know, ⁓ where's compassion? He's done something unforgivable. I know that when he lives in the community, people walk away from him or they act like they, he feels it. Restorative justice, he's. that people show him compassion by talking to him. ⁓ That's not to say they forgive what he's done, but ⁓ the reality of it is like, even for me as his sister, and all the people in my family is not, no self-blame or the blame from unsupportive systems. My nieces and nephews and my siblings, we did not encourage him to. behaved the way he behaved. However, he had served his time and he has come back to the community. And so, you know, what is the difference? And the difference is compassion. Because if you don't have compassion, then you're not self-loving and you're not a support system. From these struggles with moral injury or systemic betrayal, Reaching out for resources can be helpful step forward towards recovery. So when I talk about a lot of our people who go into prisons and when they come home to our communities, it's the acknowledgement or the breakdown or the labeling of Indian residential school and all that religious fundamentalism saying we have to forgive the unforgivable, but we don't. See, there are things that are forgivable and there are things that are unforgivable. And most of my podcast and what I talk about in eliminating self-defeating behavior and ⁓ learned helplessness or just trauma is to learn that yes, this is unforgivable what this is. However, there are things that are forgivable. I'll use an extreme example. In my community, there were two young men around my age. Well, I call them young now, then. And these two men I grew up with, ⁓ both good-looking, handsome, Indigenous men. Both men ⁓ had many children. I'd say on an average, each of them had 10 children. Now, Why compare these two men? Well, the comparison is one did actions that were forgivable and the other did things that were unforgivable. So they both have ⁓ many children from various women. So what is the difference? Well, the man who did unforgivable things did a lot of sexual assaults. And the one who is forgivable ⁓ never sexually assaulted anybody. So understanding like what is forgivable and unforgivable is important. But at the same time, you have to have that compassion. The injuries deserve healing and compassion. To eliminate a self-defeating behavior means to stop self-blaming and blaming the system that they perceive as being unsupportive. When that young lady wrote that ⁓ deflamatory ⁓ post on Facebook about me, it was knowing that she had such hate in her heart because the system had failed her and she is constantly blaming, blaming. And we all know someone like that. So you have to reach out for resources like I did with Barbie and... and throughout my whole life and different decades I have. And with each new ⁓ support system, I've recovered and adapted and learned something about myself. So you have to have the courage to trust. But make sure that you shop around, especially with white therapists and Indigenous therapists as well. Make sure that you trust somebody with your most intimate secrets. So baiting, the dynamics of baiting and manipulation. Baiting is a manipulative tactic used by individuals with toxic or malicious intent. Like I said, this woman was malicious. The woman who posted it was malicious and the woman who took photos of it and sent it to me was a malicious intent. This involves intentionally... making rude, condescending or crude remarks designed to provoke a reaction or response, often the aim of making the larger feel inferior or creating drama. See, if that lady hadn't sent me the photo, hey, I wouldn't have even known. I would not have even known. And I thought, what is the purpose of her sending it to me? Obviously, to provoke a reaction from me, which it did. But because it provoked an action, instead of charging this individual or going through the courts, I just said, I'm walking away from that individual. The abuser seeks to control the situation and shifts blame to the target's reaction rather than their own behavior. See this lady, she's narcissistic and Machiavellian. She will always... she will always shift the blame. She shifts the blame onto her children and her grandchildren. She shifts the blame to the people she works with. It must be so exhausting for her. It is highly controlling and abusive with no genuine concern for the feeling of the other person. Like if I hadn't talked with ⁓ one of the ladies at work with this individual, And if we hadn't really looked at how, she's genuinely concerned for our feelings, validating that she isn't, all she had to do was call me and ask me about questions she may have had on my trip to Las Vegas, but she didn't. Instead, she... ⁓ She did something to provoke a cruel pictures to provoke a response from me, which she did succeed in. But I had to ⁓ deal with it in a way that I could feel that I was taking care of myself. The recommended response to this avoid talking, taking the bait as engaging only feeds the manipulator's agenda. See, and I had no choice. I couldn't avoid taking the bait because she sent me the picture. She had a choice, but she chose to hurt me instead. So again, part of what I do in my blog and podcast is to talk about myself and self-reflection. And a lot of times when it comes to eliminating self-defeating behavior, when I was in Utah and the pressure to date was so intense. And the fact that you have to live this purity culture and that you're this virgin who's going to be sealed in the Mormon temple and live happily ever after because you never predestined to go into the celestial kingdom. I mean, it's like a Disney Disney fairy tale, isn't it? Well, the reality of it is like it really I was like, I felt shunned. And in order to stop people from baiting me. I basically thought if I can just talk about, oh, I'm OK. I'm infatuated with this man. But it got even deeper because I didn't realize that this self-defeating behavior was a manifestation from my childhood, like all this self-blame. I had a roommate who would constantly say, yeah, he's interested in you. She didn't think I had it in me to talk to him, but I did. ⁓ throughout my life, when I felt infatuated with individuals, I would basically go and talk to them. ⁓ just, I, like, you have to have that, you have to have that in you to do things and. One of these other fellows worked in, he was a Kiowa Indian working from Oklahoma. It was during the time I was processing ⁓ taking my case to court, like reporting to the RCMP. And I had said to him, I said, I feel that I'm in love with you, but I know it's not love. I know there's something like with my nervous system that's responding to you, but I need to ride it through. And he acknowledged, you know, he acknowledged, I said, I know it's part of ⁓ like the wellness or mental health wellness for me. I'm just disclosing to you that ⁓ I'm struggling with this. And if you could just help me with what I need to get done. And ⁓ it helped me in the sense too, I didn't realize I was using him as a catalyst. to motivate me to do all this voluntary work, because I was doing a lot of workshops on wellness and women's, like Native women's shelter. Like I said, I've lived through different decades in my life where I've constantly been ⁓ trying to support ⁓ women who, ⁓ you know, that are struggling with around violence. It's only two, like, ⁓ anything that I've done even in terms like you when I did my blog it it it it wasn't it wasn't intentional to find somebody to be a catalyst for me to produce my blog. However in in producing my podcast ⁓ just to get the information out so that people are listening to me as an indigenous woman rather than something academic. I was talking with a non-indigenous man. And it's basically like having an instructor and saying, did I do this right? If I do this extra work, will you give me an A? It's something similar to that, that pleasing. It's still part of learned helplessness and still self-defeating. However, it's addressing it. OK, so you've got to understand, in the process of addressing it, I'm eliminating it. In the process of not being baited around maliciousness or the intent of a narcissistic female, I've eliminated it. And the reality of it is like I had intention. I didn't have intention of going down to Las Vegas again after March 11th. I just thought I'll ⁓ video stream. I'll find a video stream and watch it. I don't need to be down there because it cost a lot of money. And for me, like I don't have that kind of money. I'm not rich to say the least. But in the whole process, I do gamble. I say, let me sin at least. I'm so meticulous. I can count how many times I've drank. I can count how many times I've been sexual. And I said, just let me not count how many times I go and gamble, please. I mean, that might seem amazing. But again, too, I have a bit of autism as well. you have to understand the way I think might not be, obviously it's not the same way everybody in the world thinks, but for me it's worked. It's for me it's worked. So anyway, I had intentions of just watching online the sentencing on April 27th. And... And so I just thought, I'm not going to let anybody know, like I did on March 11th. I didn't let anybody know. But yet the consequences of when I came back and people felt betrayed that I wasn't telling them. Like how transparent is my life that I would share the most intimate parts of my life with people who don't deserve it. But it was a lesson learned. this time. I'm going again, but this time I said to my traveling companion that I was going. Not like, the only reason I contacted this person was because when we left Las Vegas, he said, well, I'll see you during the live stream. Again, because I'd done research and I couldn't find an actual connection to any live stream court documents that would guarantee that I would actually. be live in the courtroom on April 27th. And since I won money, I thought I'm going to Las Vegas. Just decided to do that, bought my airline ticket, my hotel room, all the things. I mean, it was expensive. And so ⁓ I let him know. from there, I didn't expect him to say he was going to join me. But yet the process of him saying he was going to join me ⁓ made me realize like he's not the catalyst anymore. He's not the impetus or the reason for me to produce a podcast or to talk about my story. I think the support though is there. The reality and the mental health part of journalism, journaling and also documenting and creating narrative. about self-help, about eliminating a self-defeating behavior, what it is, where it started from, how it evolved into my sexual life, how all this fear and social norms drove me in a different direction to not have children or not be in a relationship. And when I talk to audiences like in the city of Calgary and I say, you I haven't been sexually active in 49 years. I said, but you have to understand, I buried a lot of my relatives, female relatives who've been sexually active. We don't have a gauge on the violence for Indigenous women, not just from Indigenous men, but also from the maliciousness of our own gender. That's why as an elder, I think it's important that we celebrate the history of Indigenous women. as well as giving a background for young Indigenous women to understand the importance of support, the importance and the evolution of what healing looks like, and that it's okay to outgrow your friends, and it's okay to be intimate. It's okay to show your own self-love. So the last part of my... ⁓ Podcast is talking about what it's a intimacy is not and again I get most of this information again off of tik-tok or Instagram So the actions of closeness and familiar familiarity They do not capture the depth of genuine intimacy Real intimacy is revealed in moments of vulnerability. It is when you break down in front of someone and they do not tell you calm down or accuse you of overreacting. They do not compare your pain to someone. to someone ⁓ else's pain, nor do they attempt to fix you or lecture you. Instead, they remain present as you fall apart, often support without judgment, advice, or minimization. So I know a lot of non-Indigenous women and men try to do this, but they themselves have not practiced it enough. That's why I'm going. What the hell? We think whiteness is so privileged, and yet at the same time, if we do not embrace the healing power of collectivity, holistic, community, then how do we try to save face or whole space? especially when we're bombarded with so many mental health issues and yet look at us, we're thriving. Sometimes I think some of my non-Indigenous friends would totally collapse. And more so because of the way they respond or don't respond to me. Understand that, that they don't respond to me. It's because whatever I'm challenging, even though they think they're not racist, there is still that privilege. Like this one white man says, You can be in a relationship with a white man. He says, but within a year, he says he will churn it, flip it, and whatever mistake or hurt he's made, he's going to blame you for it. And rightfully so. I've lived my entire life amongst non-Indigenous people, even having white uncles and mixed, you know, like my first cousins. You know, I like I said, I have friends whose fathers are white who you know, they say well My father's gonna be racist until the day he dies like it's not a taboo word. This is reality ⁓ Instead like instead ⁓ They fail to present as you fall apart offering support without judgment advice and minimization Like that's if you can do that if you can not fall apart when you hear or I trigger you, when you can offer support without judging me as like, oh, she's upset or she's suffering from dementia or Alzheimer's at my age, yes, or advice or try to minimize or even catching themselves, try to minimize. Like to me, I'm going, what? Like in my mind, my mind is saying what? Anyway, true intimacy is expressed when you are able to ask for help and rather than being brushed off, you're met with the question, why do you need? What do you need right now? The person responded without reminders or keeping score shows up simply because you need them. So my traveling companion is. I have never asked his credentials, but I do know he is good at what he does. the reality of the fact that he was just... It was like taking him from one dimension and putting him in another dimension and shaking it up and then putting him back in the other dimension. You know, bless his heart. mean, I told him, said, it must have been like a real, real intense for you. Real intimacy is about seeing each other's darkness, your thoughts, fears and insecurities and not running away. The other person does not churn you into a problem to solve or disappears when things get different. Difficult, sorry. So my friend Barbie, she, you know, she was there for me. And I hoped I was there for her too. So they stay with you even when the situation is heavy and messy. And that's the hardest thing, I think, for people from other cultures to ⁓ realize, like, ⁓ if you're going to learn something from me, ⁓ you know, don't think of it as being messy. Because I can see, like, from my point of view, what a person's life is. Like there's that exercise of self-reflection. If I have the ability to self-reflect, then isn't it reasonable beyond a shadow of a doubt that I can do that to the person I'm engaged in a conversation with. There's no need to perform or present a perfect, always happy, or version of self. Like, see that's the whole thing with Mormonism too, is that whole... ⁓ infantilism where you have to act happy and you know you're always smiling and pleasant. No, that's a real red flag there. You are free to be real messy and sometimes overwhelming and they still choose you. Remember the small things not just the big moments because they listen and care. True intimacy means being protected even from your own negative inner voice. And like that's what I'm talking about. Self-defeating behavior and learned helplessness is a negative inner voice. For me, it's that voice as I'm lying on a mattress in the open air, listening to my father yelling for my mother and us to come into the house. That's that in itself, flight or fright response. It really affected my... internal ⁓ nervous system. And the thing is, we don't even know that we've created this pathway in our brain, ⁓ but it's important that we know that we can rewire, especially through song and dance and ceremony in a supportive way that's not manipulating or intending to control. When we are struggling, they remind you who you are and help you find your way back. And that's why it's important to honour the people you grew up with in your Indigenous communities. I was just talking to a friend of mine that I knew when I was 17, and I said, I really love your community. I really just look at how you all come together and you're there and you help each other find your way back. And I think that's the beauty of being Indigenous and seeing that, seeing it in play because a lot of non-Indigenous people don't know what it looks like. I I think the closest they have is like when you go to a football game and everybody's yelling. But it's deeper than that. If you are upset and you do not punish, if they, if you are upset, they do not punish you with silence, nor do they manipulate or play games. Instead, they communicate openly and stay working through challenges together. And that was the whole thing about Nathan Chasing Horse was he was afraid of intimacy. ⁓ Like even for me to be present, trying to be present for him. I realize now after I've talked with the survivors on March 11th that he'd already been so corrupt by the time he was 30. Like I understand this. I believe by the time he was 30 his daughter, his oldest daughter was 14 or 15, so he had a child very young. But the reality of just how despicable. The reality that even though I tried to be present for him, what he had already done criminally was unforgivable. even if he had churned himself in and had confessed to sexually assaulting my niece, the amount of... The amount of ⁓ fear of intimacy, I don't know if he could have ever been reached. I know when I worked in the state hospital with high suicide, high risk, ⁓ teenage girls and the high risk of suicide, that we had a 12 year old who her and her mother had killed the grandmother through a psychotic break. I do not think ⁓ stuff that... Nathan chasing horse ⁓ has done, especially when it comes to being a psychopath. He's born that way. ⁓ How to regulate somebody like that would need a lot of medical intervention at a very early age. And the poverty that he came from would have made it impossible. So anyway, the essence of real intimacy, ultimately real intimacy is not about proximity. It's not about safe. It is about safety, presence and commitment of someone who stays when it is not easy. So that's why when I say when you go to court or you're helping someone who's a victim, who has the courage to fight and let the person know they hurt them, it's important for you to that you provide safety, presence and commitment as you bear witness with them. that you're with them even when it's not easy. Especially if you yourself have been a victim of violence. If you're not able to do that, then the best thing to do is just to stay away. It is the assurance that in moments of difficulty, your connection remains strong and supportive. So that's why I chose to ⁓ go back in in April 27th to celebrate and help these women celebrate so that they know that there is ⁓ hope and they represent hope. You know, it's just, it's so impactful. But ⁓ I know I'm probably going beyond my time here, but I'm going to deal with one more topic ⁓ before I finish. ⁓ And that has to do, again, with this ⁓ sexual repression. Again, like I said, I did this to myself. Nobody else to blame. And abuse. in a culture. So when you grow up in a small community and you and the community has such extreme sexual repression, unrealistic beauty standards, whites, some places like there's so much like with the Kardashians in terms of what's happening on the internet, infantilation, infantilation, I'm not even pronouncing it right, but of the population. I tend to think that every religious organization or every community experiences this, but some more so that when they want to grow up and groom their daughters to be like Barbies, it's a kind of fake happiness that when I went to BYU or Utah, was just, you got to participate in it. It's an unsettling feeling, especially when... You know, when I wasn't raised Mormon or I ⁓ didn't go to ⁓ any of these ⁓ fundamentalist practices like church organizations, I didn't participate in it. So ⁓ it's a deeply troubled sexual culture. think because... ⁓ ⁓ Indian Residential School and just the indoctrination of various religious cults that operated these systems. I know there's a lot of people who deny this stuff, but the reality of it is ⁓ it's real. ⁓ You know, it's just the way you sort of feel or you get an understanding like, okay, how do I feel safe or ⁓ do I trust what these people look like? Even though, like, in Mormonism, there's no drinking. Like, when you're on a mission, they're so strict in terms of drinking, or even drinking caffeine. And the reality too, like to be married and to make sure you marry a returned missionary so ⁓ that you can get married in the temple as a woman so that you can get into heaven. ⁓ A lot of the stuff I didn't know, I just thought of like, okay, religiosity and the Holy Bible. I hadn't even read totally the Book of Mormon when I became, when I was converted. But even then too, I did read their scriptures, I did take classes. ⁓ My ⁓ niece used to say to me, why are you sending me to a Catholic school? I said, you need to know your enemies. You need to know what they believe in. Because for me, knowing all the Mormon scriptures, having read them, gives me some deeper insight into religious sexual repression. especially abuse against children is horrific in Mormonism. ⁓ Because they're tragically generations raised in infantilized. infantilized, lacking the ability to protect themselves. That's children who are raised with it, not having the ability to protect themselves, much like children being raised in those Indian residential schools. Their sexuality or to speak as an adult of self-awareness and identity is lacking. The trauma perpetuates, passed down, through generations when children grow up unable to talk about sexuality, self-awareness and identity. And that's the whole scope of it. When I talk, when you hear people on podcasts say, my name is Marina Crane, I'm an elder, I'm 74 years old, I'm heterosexual. I come from Sioux, Tina. My heritage is Dakota. I have eight grandparents who are Dakota. I spoke Sioux fluently by the time I was five. ⁓ And this is who I am. Never had children, never dated. ⁓ I have an extended family. I had eight in my family. I grown up in a community where I've known at least 250 people from childhood. And I still live in my community. I am still ⁓ connected as a collective and holistic within my community. See, I can say that because I'm I'm an elder. But throughout my stages of human development, like from childhood, teenager, young adult, the inability to talk about sexuality, self-awareness and identity, especially if it has to do with like, you know, telling people, ⁓ yeah, we hid outside because my father was going to beat up my mom. No, never talk to other people about that. ⁓ I grew up with some girls, some relatives. We'd catch the bus into the city. My one friend, ⁓ Most of my friends, most of my relatives, have died female. You know, we'd grow up and, you we'd have this fantasy or, I don't know what to call it, illusion or delusional about what our lives would be like. And then all of a sudden, when I'd catch the bus, they wouldn't talk about it. And I say, spiritually, they went missing. They were unable to talk about sexuality because they'd been sexually assaulted. that self-awareness was replaced with shame and guilt. And they give up their identity to their abusers. So when adult women give up their daughters to a predator, ⁓ they're robbing that individual of an identity because the individual is being groomed and trafficked by the perpetrator and identifying with what they believe. this person should be. So they become adults who cannot stand up for themselves, remaining victims of their own abuse because they never learned to confront abusers. That's why when my friend Barbie says to me, they know they hurt you? See, and I thought, you for 20 years that I had told them. especially the one like one of the abusers died at the age of 27 from cirrhosis but but ⁓ the other fellow is like about probably 78 now and he still lives in my community he served time and he's he's living back here in the community ⁓ but the thing is like like I said ⁓ as a victim ⁓ my own abuse like in terms of remaining in my own abuse because I never learned to confront my abuser Again, that fear response from my mother hiding us away from my father, that whole fear response directly tied into my inability to confront my abuser. I mean, it might seem like, oh, well, that's hypothetical. That's just your elderly brain. You're suffering from dementia or Alzheimer's. No. I'm talking about the reality of things that I've had to do for myself. I've never had somebody pay my rent, pay for my bills, pay for my education, pay for my traveling expenses. I've done all this myself. So the impact and legal proceedings of this here, the experience, ⁓ like even going into the court and testifying. And ⁓ you know, it was a whole process and it was important for me to talk about the repercussions of the abuse. As many grow up around being sexually abused, never discuss its impact. So understand this, the RCMP did not tell me they were interviewing so many people within my community and that there was over 10 women who had reported being sexually assaulted by these serial rapists. Yet when the RCMP asked them if they would come forward and ⁓ support me in court, bless their hearts, I understand now they were too triggered. They didn't have the capacity to bear witness. I understand that, and I want people to understand this. This is why it's so important to not blame people who can't come forward to support you. They don't have the capacity. And this is why when I say Indigenous women, when they married white men, they did not develop the capacity. because of the abuse of their white husbands, taking their Indigenous children away and turning them against them. The support or the lack of support developed, they suffered from depression or any kind of social isolation because they were not considered Indigenous after that. I think it was in the, what, 80s or 90s that we were allowed to get status back or even to marry whoever we wanted. This is why I say it's so important to educate our children, our young women, about the history of the Canadian government and genocide, ⁓ female apartheid, Indigenous female apartheid in Canada. When children become adults, they cannot address their own sexuality and self-awareness and identity and stand up for themselves and the trauma continues. silent perpetuates victimization, leaving survivors unable to confront their abusers. And for decades, because of the ⁓ legacy of Indian residential school, my mother and so many other people said, ⁓ no, I learned how to cook and sew. And yet the repressed feelings of events that were sexual were so buried. that they only had ⁓ a vague memory of it. The repercussions of abuse was only validated by their own peers. When my mother would talk to her childhood friend who went to the same Indian residential schools, the stories flowed fluidly. And yet, how many of the survivors died? How many of them could reconnect with their childhood friends in those residential schools to heal in a collective holistic way? So for all those people who are denial of the impacts of Indian residential school, shame on you. Shame on you because you have the inability to self-reflect. And if you're non-Indigenous and you're denying, then shame on you because that means somebody in your family, immediate or extended family is suffering because you're in denial of what a human being is capable of. Understand this, Indigenous people did not raise all those Indigenous children in Indian residential schools. Some of the ⁓ Indigenous people who were hired later on did, but all this stuff... all this trauma and however deep the pain goes. Do you have the courage to hold space? Have you done enough healing within yourself to understand where your own self-defeating behavior where your own learned helplessness came about and all the repercussions of flight or fright from intimate relationships or the lack of, or the fear of being in such a dynamic situation where you could lose your life. The studies of men and the propensity for them to focus on raping a female is so intense right now. And this is the reality of the difference between male and female biology. It's not accusing men. It's talking about healthy human sexuality and the reality of sexual responses. That being said, it's important for me to take care of myself daily and to constantly talk about and think about protective healing energy, embracing whoever I'm thinking about, and also releasing with protective reflective healing energy for the lesson that that individual or that thought has taught me. So this being the case, ⁓ I do ⁓ still intend to do some more podcasts. I probably after April 27th will focus more on Indian Residential School and the projects that I've been involved with with the City of Calgary. But for right now ⁓ I've been just working on my podcast focusing around Nathan Chasing Horse as he affected so many, so many Indigenous communities in Canada and the United States. When I tell people all you're seeing is just what is reported, you're not hearing the horrific stories of child sexual assault, the child pornography, the things that were uncovered in his home. This ⁓ is heartbreaking for many of the victims who are out there who will never see ⁓ We'll never have a chance to confront him and let him know he hurt them. My niece is one of them. And like I said, going down there is releasing her soul. When I went there on March 11th, he saw me. He was looking forward, but his eyes, you know, there was a side glance and he stared at me intensely. for decades he was malicious towards me without even his followers ever knowing me, never even understanding who I was. So ⁓ it's important to have your narrative. You have to have the courage to speak out and talk your truth, even if people don't believe you. When somebody offers me tobacco, it's the acknowledgement that everything I go through in my own self-talk is a relationship with Creator and the grandfathers and grandmothers. Those are the people who came before me. So that's impactful in a whole different holistic approach. So I hope I've given you some insight and hopefully ⁓ for my Indigenous sisters, embrace who you are, celebrate past female leadership, ⁓ champion a history of Indigenous women, let young Indigenous women know the legacy of just how powerful our Indigenous women are. That we, through all these 500 years, are still here. I always ⁓ want to reflect to a lot of ⁓ non-Indigenous people who are professionals, doctors, lawyers, etc., engineers. I say the first, you know, we've been here, the white people have been here for 500 years. I said the first 100 years they killed five generations of Indigenous children. I want people to understand that because our children are still in crisis after 500 years. They may not be killing each generation like they did 400 years ago, but in the first 100 years, they killed five generations of our children. That's 125 million children. So, you know, stop focusing on World War II. Stop focusing on just recent history. our human behavior and who we are, you know, we're not godlike. And what that whole concept of what God is, that's a ⁓ non-Indigenous construct. ⁓ Anyway, I know I might offend people but and again, what can I say? I jokingly say as the fry bread burns or as the bannock burns or what do do when you live in a shoe? You move to a boot. Okay, enough being said, I shall let you go for the day. I just had to post this. Again, it's Saturday, ⁓ April the 18th and thank you to all my listeners. I hope you have a good weekend and I will post things once I'm in Las Vegas ⁓ and I will try and do a really good ⁓ podcast with the survivors. ⁓ I hopefully will have somebody helping me edit it so that it honors them.