Latest / Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers / 103: Evolve or Remain: How You Might be Self Sabotaging

Transcript

103: Evolve or Remain: How You Might be Self Sabotaging · Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers

• 0:20
  Well, hello and welcome back.
• 0:22
  So today I thought it would be fun to explore an idea that popped up in my social media feed.
• 0:26
  Somebody shared a reel on Instagram and they said"not everyone was put here to evolve.
• 0:32
  Some people were put here to show you what happens when you don't." And I thought that was such an interesting idea to explore because as I thought about in my own life, okay.
• 0:42
  Yes.
• 0:42
  I've always identified as somebody who's working to evolve and to learn and to grow.
• 0:46
  I consider myself the forever student.
• 0:49
  Right.
• 0:49
  I love to read books.
• 0:51
  In fact, if I'm in a session with somebody and they mentioned,"oh yeah and I was reading this book and it was really helpful for me." I instantly add that book to my queue.
• 0:58
  I find that I am a voracious reader and I've always identified as someone who is evolving, but then I really got thinking about it and I thought, you know what?
• 1:06
  Maybe it's not so black and white that we're either someone who evolves.
• 1:09
  Or someone who remains.
• 1:11
  Maybe we're all kind of a mixture of those things, because I'm pretty sure if I went out right now and I grabbed just 20 random people off of the street and I said, Are you somebody who evolves?
• 1:22
  Do you want to evolve in your health, in your life, in your love and your relationships?" A hundred percent of them would probably say, yeah, definitely.
• 1:30
  Yep.
• 1:30
  I want all of those things.
• 1:31
  And so therefore I am somebody who is really working to evolve.
• 1:36
  And so it got me thinking.
• 1:37
  Okay.
• 1:37
  Yeah.
• 1:37
  So all of us probably think that we're someone who is evolving and also there are probably spaces and places in each of our lives where we're holding ourselves back.
• 1:48
  Where we are choosing essentially to remain.
• 1:51
  And since it's really a lot easier for us to see this in other people, I thought I would share some really common examples.
• 1:57
  So for example, we all have that friend who is constantly complaining about their partner.
• 2:02
  And at the same time that they're complaining about their partner, we can see that they aren't actually doing anything to create change.
• 2:10
  So for example, the friend, maybe she isn't speaking up with her needs or she isn't stating a boundary or she isn't going to a coach or a therapist for support.
• 2:18
  So this friend might feel like she's being really productive by talking again and again and again about how unfulfilling her relationship is, or even how unhealthy it is.
• 2:27
  It can feel really productive.
• 2:30
  And also.
• 2:31
  If we're not using all of that, as information in order to create change, then we may in fact, be somebody who is choosing to just remain stagnant in relationship, rather than actually using that as information to propel us forward and evolve the relationship.
• 2:47
  Or maybe this is that person who is always talking about eating better and getting into shape, but they just aren't sticking to a plan.
• 2:56
  So they think that, oh, well,"I've done it a few times.
• 2:58
  I should be seeing results.
• 3:00
  It must not work." Right.
• 3:02
  But then if you look really close at what they're doing, then you might discover that, okay.
• 3:06
  Every single time that they're going to the gym, Then they're also rewarding themselves with McDonald's afterwards.
• 3:12
  So on the surface, it might look like they're wanting to create change for themselves.
• 3:17
  But.
• 3:18
  They're essentially self-sabotaging and they're essentially choosing to keep their health exactly where it's at and remain because they aren't willing to sacrifice the things need to sacrifice or, or commit to the things that will actually really create that lasting change.
• 3:31
  Or maybe it's that person who is constantly talking about how unfair it is that even though they have more practical experience when it comes to what it is that they're doing at work.
• 3:40
  Then they find that there are people younger than them that actually have degrees that are making more money than them.
• 3:46
  And rather than actually sacrificing the time and the money and the energy to get the degree, even though they know what is needed in order for them to get that kind of money in their career, then instead, then they just keep talking about how they should be making more money without actually making any changes or doing any of the things, checking any of the boxes that the job has already established as their qualifiers.
• 4:06
  And so essentially they too are choosing to remain.
• 4:10
  Or maybe it's that people pleaser.
• 4:12
  I have a lot of people pleasers that listen on here.
• 4:15
  And maybe the people pleasers, then they find themselves always feeling taken advantage of.
• 4:20
  And they're often feeling unseen, unheard or undervalued.
• 4:24
  And yet at the same time, they're not actually stating a boundary.
• 4:28
  They're not asking for reciprocation, they're not expressing their wants or their needs in order to create that balance that they're seeking in relationship.
• 4:38
  And so by not speaking up, then they are essentially choosing for things to remain the same in that relationship.
• 4:46
  Now first, let me just alleviate any guilt or shame as I'm reading these examples, right?
• 4:50
  Every single one of us has been this person.
• 4:54
  At least once in our lives, probably more like a dozen or more.
• 4:58
  Every single one of us has been that person.
• 5:01
  And it actually just really means that you have a very human brain and that's why you're here.
• 5:07
  Right?
• 5:08
  That's why you're here.
• 5:08
  Listening to this podcast is you recognize that you have a very human brain.
• 5:12
  You recognize that,"okay.
• 5:14
  These are the tendencies that are coming up for me." And you recognize that you can learn how to manage your mind.
• 5:20
  And that is exactly what we do here on the podcast, so I'm so glad that you are here.
• 5:25
  That shows me that you were someone who was really wanting to create something more supportive for you.
• 5:31
  That you're wanting to create actual lasting change, which is so awesome.
• 5:35
  So first, we're going to talk a bit about why the brain oftentimes chooses to remain where it's at.
• 5:42
  And then we're also going to talk a bit about passive versus massive action and how that kind of also illustrates what's happening with choosing to evolve or choosing to remain.
• 5:52
  So, first of all, why does our brain do what it does?
• 5:57
  Let me illustrate this by talking to you about the motivational triad.
• 6:01
  Okay.
• 6:01
  This is what's happening in your brain with the motivational triad is three things.
• 6:05
  So the brain seeks out three things.
• 6:07
  It seeks pleasure.
• 6:08
  It seeks to avoid pain or discomfort.
• 6:11
  And it also wants to get what it wants it with the least amount of effort possible.
• 6:18
  So let's kind of use the example of the person who gets McDonald's every time that they work out to reward themselves.
• 6:23
  So they are seeking pleasure or they're seeking out a reward for being good every single time that they go to the gym.
• 6:31
  They're also avoiding pain by not only promising themselves, that they can get a treat when they're done, but more than likely if they feel like this is something that's hard and is going to be in need of a reward, they probably also are not giving it their full effort.
• 6:45
  They probably show up and then when they get a little bit winded or they get a little bit tired, then they're probably saying,"okay, well it's good.
• 6:51
  I'll just head over to McDonald's I've already showed up at the gym.
• 6:54
  I've done enough." So their brain is actually telling them that, okay, let me give you the reward because you did the minimal effort.
• 7:02
  So essentially then their brain is wanting to see if they can get huge results from the very minimal effort.
• 7:09
  And this is when you're going to start to hear things like,"but I've been going to the gym, but I've been eating right." And then you find out later, this means that they've been to the gym twice and they ate a salad once during the week.
• 7:20
  So really getting clear on, okay, what is happening?
• 7:23
  And am I actually taking the action needed in order to get the results that I am seeking?
• 7:30
  Now I'm just going to be straight with you right now, that effort, it doesn't feel very good.
• 7:34
  I mean, we can actually train the brain to look forward to it, so that working out is its own reward.
• 7:40
  And then we can get that amazing boost in energy.
• 7:42
  We can get that runner's high.
• 7:44
  There are a lot of things that actually feel good about working out, but it can take some time to get there.
• 7:51
  And when somebody first starts to make these changes, even though we know it gets better over time, when we first start out, it hurts, right?
• 7:58
  Their muscles ache.
• 7:59
  It's hard to breathe their body hasn't adapted to these new movements or to this new level of exertion.
• 8:05
  And so it really doesn't feel good.
• 8:07
  In fact, I remember when I started, I was like, okay.
• 8:10
  Yeah, I'm going to get super tough.
• 8:11
  It's going to be awesome.
• 8:12
  And I started really focusing on upper body work and I really overdid it one day.
• 8:17
  And the next morning I went to put my mascara on and I could not lift my arm.
• 8:22
  It was almost comical.
• 8:24
  And I was like, I don't know, like I have to remind myself that it's worth it.
• 8:27
  And they had to remind myself that no, this pain right now, it means that it's working.
• 8:34
  So, yeah, the pain, it doesn't feel very good, but you can remind yourself that all right, this pain is serving a purpose.
• 8:41
  Now, as I mentioned before here on the podcast, my husband recently ran the Boston marathon and it was such an amazing and inspiring experience.
• 8:50
  I'm going to be sharing a few of those things here today, but something that was really interesting was this conversation that we had with a friend of his, that was going to be running with him.
• 8:59
  And this friend pulled out his notebook it had his plan in it with, with everything that he needed to know all of his pacing for the race.
• 9:07
  So for example, he had the whole course mapped out.
• 9:09
  So he knew where the downhills were and how much time he could potentially gain on the downhills.
• 9:15
  He knew where the uphills were and how much time he could potentially lose there.
• 9:19
  And so he was really figuring all that out and doing all of the math to figure out how fast he needed to run on each leg of this marathon in order to achieve his goal of gaining a personal record for running a marathon.
• 9:31
  So he showed us his plan and he knew he was ready.
• 9:34
  Now after he presented his plan to us, he said something that I thought was a pretty big deal.
• 9:39
  He said it's going to be so hard if it goes exactly as I want it to.
• 9:46
  Okay, let me read that to you again.
• 9:48
  He said, it's going to be so hard if it goes exactly as I want it to you guys, he was planning for it to be hard.
• 9:57
  And he knew that he would be doing a good job if it was hard.
• 10:01
  So he was planning for it to be hard.
• 10:03
  He was planning for it to hurt.
• 10:05
  He was planning for his body to be pushed to the limits.
• 10:08
  And he had done all of the work to work through all of that mental drama that comes from leaning into that pain to run that marathon.
• 10:16
  He did all of that mental work so that he could show up strong and finish that race.
• 10:22
  And he was not the only one that put that level of thoughtfulness into his plan for this race.
• 10:28
  Now I was 0.2 miles from the finish line, and this was such an amazing place to sit and watch this race because I was there right as the runners turned their last corner onto Boylston street.
• 10:40
  And to see the emotion in every single face...
• 10:43
  it was like an emotional rollercoaster for me.
• 10:46
  I could feel all of their emotions and I shed so many tears just standing there watching that race.
• 10:53
  So some of the runners as they turn that corner, they totally lit up.
• 10:56
  You could see their energy go up the were raising their hands up to get the crowd to be nice and loud and to cheer them on.
• 11:03
  And of course the crowd was there for it.
• 11:05
  So they're totally cheering them on.
• 11:07
  It was super inspiring.
• 11:08
  And then there were other people that when they turned the corner, then for them that point two miles just looked so far away.
• 11:15
  And you could see the color, leave their face.
• 11:17
  You could see their legs turn to jello as they just thought,"I just don't know if I can." And I cannot count how many runners I saw fall down right in front of me.
• 11:27
  And every single time a runner fell, other runners would come and lift them up.
• 11:33
  And sometimes when these other runners were lifted, they'd be able to make it to the finish line, even if it was walking, they'd be able to make it to the finish line.
• 11:41
  And others, even with support from their peers, they were unable to get their legs back underneath them.
• 11:47
  And it was heartbreaking to see these carts come out where they'd put them on a cart and then wheel them in the opposite direction of the finish line to get them to the medical tent.
• 11:57
  And my heart just broke for them.
• 11:58
  It was seriously such an emotional roller coaster.
• 12:01
  I saw runners.
• 12:02
  running west prosthetic legs, where they were wearing Springs on their feet, as they were running across the finish line.
• 12:07
  I saw people pushing loved ones and their racing wheelchairs.
• 12:11
  I saw soldiers that were running in full uniform with boots through that whole marathon.
• 12:18
  I saw many runners that were pulling out flags that represented their country so that they could just represent as they crossed that finish line full of so much pride for what it was that they were bringing to the table.
• 12:30
  It was so inspiring.
• 12:33
  Now there were about 30,000 registered runners for this event.
• 12:37
  And 25,530 actually finished.
• 12:42
  And in case you're wondering my husband placed 14,561 overall.
• 12:48
  And as I told you here on the podcast, he wasn't even sure if he was going to make it for a while because of a calf injury.
• 12:53
  And surprisingly enough, while he did qualify for the Boston marathon, which is huge, this was actually his slowest marathon time ever.
• 13:01
  He knew going into it that, okay, I'm going to be a bit slower because of this injury, but he finished and he finished strong.
• 13:08
  It was so inspiring.
• 13:09
  And the energy from the crowd was amazing to see that many people showing up for support.
• 13:16
  Now they estimated that there were about 500,000 spectators spanning that 26.2 miles for this race.
• 13:24
  So there were the girls at Wellesley college and they lined the streets to kiss the runners.
• 13:28
  The Boston red Sox, they plan every year to have a game let out at the same time that the marathon is going on so that the runners can have an entire stadium of people pouring out to cheer them on.
• 13:39
  In some of the smaller towns than the residents would be out there with card tables and orange slices playing live music on their guitars.
• 13:46
  It was just so inspiring to see that level of support.
• 13:50
  And also.
• 13:52
  Those individual runners...
• 13:53
  That's not what their journey looked like leading up to that race.
• 13:57
  The journey to get to the Boston marathon was not lined with cheerleaders.
• 14:01
  The journey to get there was individual people choosing to wake up each day and train.
• 14:07
  Even when it didn't feel good.
• 14:09
  Even when no one was there to cheer them on, even when their mind was saying that they would rather be in bed or that they would rather have some junk food or that they would rather be anywhere else besides outside running that day.
• 14:21
  But they got up and they did it anyway.
• 14:25
  When we resist pain and discomfort, we are also resisting our own evolution.
• 14:31
  Now, let me say that again.
• 14:33
  When we resist pain and discomfort, we are also resisting our own.
• 14:38
  Evolution.
• 14:39
  Now thinking of those runners and thinking about your personal life, you get to decide what is important for you.
• 14:45
  You get to decide what level of discomfort you are willing to experience to get to where it is that you want to go.
• 14:52
  So do you want to choose into the discomfort of that familiar but hurtful relationship?
• 14:57
  Or do you want to choose into the discomfort of stating your needs and setting those boundaries in order to create change and help that relationship to evolve?
• 15:06
  Do you want to choose into the discomfort of being overweight out of breath and unable to get up off of the floor?
• 15:12
  Or do you want to choose into the discomfort of healthy movement and healthy food and healthy portions so that you can actually live in the way that you want to and get around in the way that you want to.
• 15:23
  Do you want to choose into the discomfort of being underpaid for a job that you do really well?
• 15:28
  Or do you want to choose into the discomfort of going back to school at a later age to get that degree?
• 15:34
  Do you want to choose into the discomfort of feeling unseen, unheard and unappreciated as you continue in your people, pleasing pattern and your people, pleasing ways.
• 15:43
  Or do you want to choose into the discomfort of speaking up,, stating your boundaries and asking for your needs to be met?
• 15:50
  We are all choosing every single day.
• 15:53
  If we're going to evolve or remain.
• 15:56
  But both remaining the same and choosing to create change and evolve is going to be uncomfortable.
• 16:02
  Either way you're going to be uncomfortable.
• 16:05
  But one form of discomfort is going to get you what it is that you've really truly want in life.
• 16:11
  Now I had said earlier that I was going to also be talking a bit about passive action and massive action, but because I really want these thoughts to sink in for you, I think that we'll be talking about that next time.
• 16:20
  So make sure you tune in next time and then we'll be talking about passive action and massive action and how that applies to evolving or remaining.
• 16:28
  but for now, I just want you to really think about what is it that you really want and what form of discomfort are you willing to experience in order to get it?
• 16:37
  knowing you're going to be uncomfortable either way, what form of discomfort are you willing to experience in order to get to where it is you want to go?
• 16:45
  You can have a life that you love.
• 16:48
  And even though you're not running the Boston marathon right now, I will be there for you cheering you on the whole way.
• 16:54
  So, Hey, if you would like some help and support and you're looking for some one-on-one attention, I do have some spots becoming available this month.
• 17:02
  These spots are limited.
• 17:03
  So if you are interested, make sure that you reach out to me as soon as you can.
• 17:07
  You can either email me at MaryAnn@MaryAnnWalker.Life you can come to my website, find me on social media, but let's touch base so I can get you on my books and you can take advantage of one of those limited slots.
• 17:18
  I would really love to work with you.
• 17:21
  Also, if you have been enjoying this podcast, would you please leave me a review?
• 17:25
  It really does give me a boost in the algorithms and it helps more people to find me so that I can really show up and support more people.
• 17:32
  And also thank you so much for sharing these episodes that you find them and find that, oh, you know what, this really has me thinking about so-and-so I really appreciate you sharing those episodes with your friends and family as well.
• 17:42
  So, thank you so much for being here.
• 17:44
  Make sure you tune in next time.
• 17:45
  When we talk about passive versus massive action and I'll see you then.
• 17:48
  All right, take care.
• 17:49
  Bye now.