Latest / The You Project / #1578 Between Now & Death - Harps & Tiff

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#1578 Between Now & Death - Harps & Tiff · The You Project

0:00
Speaker 1: Cookie alps. What's going on?
0:05
Speaker 2: You haven't mentioned my new headphones?
0:08
Speaker 1: Yeah, what is going on? What? Let me hang on?
0:10
Speaker 1: Let me put on my specs because I I just
0:13
Speaker 1: realized you don't have the big buffers over there? What
0:15
Speaker 1: are they? They look like you look like you're a uh,
0:20
Speaker 1: one of those people who take orders at a fast
0:23
Speaker 1: food outlet. I was just thinking, how do I say this?
0:26
Speaker 1: I'm gonna no, they look kind of fancy though. What
0:30
Speaker 1: are they?
0:30
Speaker 2: They're just little ones that will go over your ears.
0:32
Speaker 2: They're just hear. But it's weird because I'm used to
0:35
Speaker 2: having the noise canceling ones. So there's this whole sensory
0:40
Speaker 2: circus going on inside my head right now.
0:42
Speaker 1: See I might do better with those. I might do
0:45
Speaker 1: better with those. What so just describe to people. So
0:49
Speaker 1: normally Tiff wears the big buff headphones, as do I sometimes,
0:54
Speaker 1: but really.
0:54
Speaker 2: Quite comfort ones that muff over both of your ears,
0:58
Speaker 2: that's the usual get up. I bought these ones because
1:02
Speaker 2: I liked the idea of well, I was thinking about
1:05
Speaker 2: playing with the virtual background, which normally annoys me because
1:09
Speaker 2: the gaps in between your head and the headphones cut.
1:14
Speaker 2: The picture cuts in and out. Just like your hand
1:16
Speaker 2: is right now as you move the microphone that can't
1:18
Speaker 2: be seen. You know, it's weird. So I thought I'd
1:22
Speaker 2: get these and just have a crack and also, all right,
1:26
Speaker 2: they just look better, but also they're just so they're
1:29
Speaker 2: buds that hook over my ear because I wanted the
1:32
Speaker 2: wire is everyone's still here with us listening. I wanted
1:36
Speaker 2: the wire to not be hanging in the front of
1:38
Speaker 2: my face. And so the ears it has to hook
1:41
Speaker 2: over your ear and then the wire has to come
1:43
Speaker 2: out of the back bit of the hook, not the front,
1:45
Speaker 2: not the bar.
1:46
Speaker 1: What make they? A'm googling and this is terrible podcasting?
1:49
Speaker 1: That fuck? What's new? They were?
1:52
Speaker 2: What are they? A Ventry Resolve? They're really they just
1:56
Speaker 2: bought them. They're really cheap ones. They like thirty spell,
1:59
Speaker 2: a Vanry A the A n t r ee Resolve
2:06
Speaker 2: open ear earphones, a.
2:09
Speaker 1: Van Try Resolve open ear wired open earbuds. Is that then,
2:19
Speaker 1: oh that's the ones twenty six bucks.
2:22
Speaker 2: Yeah, and so they just sit and they don't block
2:24
Speaker 2: your ears. So like the bone conducting ones that you've
2:27
Speaker 2: seen me wear at the gym and told me I
2:28
Speaker 2: looked like the call taker.
2:31
Speaker 1: These me a pair, and I'll just give you the
2:33
Speaker 1: cash because I'm shit at buying things online. Sure, sure
2:36
Speaker 1: you can even put a bit of markup on it?
2:40
Speaker 1: What did you you can go? Ah? That was thirty five?
2:44
Speaker 1: What can I say?
2:46
Speaker 2: Plus postage in handling.
2:48
Speaker 1: If anyone else wants a pair, just email TIFFs, She'll
2:50
Speaker 1: get them.
2:51
Speaker 2: Can I tell you a funny story about them getting delivered?
2:54
Speaker 2: So I got them delivered and I went downstairs and
2:57
Speaker 2: there were two parcels from and I ripped them open.
2:59
Speaker 2: And last week i'd been looking up someone was talking
3:02
Speaker 2: about the book by Robin Sharma. I think as this meditation,
3:08
Speaker 2: this Buddhist monk book. Anyway, I'd looked it up, I'd
3:12
Speaker 2: googled it. And I ripped open the package and the
3:14
Speaker 2: book has arrived, and I'm like, oh, oh, I must
3:16
Speaker 2: have ordered it. I can't remember ordering the book. I
3:18
Speaker 2: must have orded a book because I googled him last week.
3:21
Speaker 2: And then this morning, as I was leaving the apartment block,
3:26
Speaker 2: there's a big sign on the window and I was like,
3:28
Speaker 2: what was I saying? It's got says warning. The picture
3:31
Speaker 2: of two parcels is like people are coming down the
3:33
Speaker 2: driveway and stealing our parcels. My Amazon parcel got stolen,
3:39
Speaker 2: and then I rushed upstairs and looked at the package
3:42
Speaker 2: that I hadn't read and it wasn't my book.
3:46
Speaker 1: You fucking thief. So you're the.
3:50
Speaker 2: Can you believe that it's a book that I? And
3:53
Speaker 2: I was like just assumed I'd bought it. So I
3:54
Speaker 2: had to write a little love letter and say, hey,
3:56
Speaker 2: Apartment six, sorry I accidentally flogged your book, but here's
4:00
Speaker 2: a bird story.
4:02
Speaker 1: Yeah. So have you connected with them? Have you spoken
4:09
Speaker 1: to them?
4:09
Speaker 2: No, it's currently this was just this morning, and it's
4:11
Speaker 2: when I got home just before. It's still leaning against
4:14
Speaker 2: her door, or so she'll she'll come home.
4:17
Speaker 1: And what are the chances that you and her would
4:21
Speaker 1: order the same book?
4:22
Speaker 2: Well? I didn't order the book, but because I've been
4:25
Speaker 2: having a bit of a field day on online shopping lately,
4:29
Speaker 2: because when you're in the dumps, what else do you do?
4:32
Speaker 2: There's been stuff just rocking up left, right and center.
4:36
Speaker 1: What's the biggest bullshit you've ever bought? I've never bought
4:40
Speaker 1: anything online, which is partly because I'm old. Actually that's
4:45
Speaker 1: the whole reason. Actually, that's all of it. I was
4:49
Speaker 1: trying to think of another reason. I'm old, what's the
4:52
Speaker 1: dumbest shit? It's probably something you bought with Patrick. Was
4:56
Speaker 1: it that.
4:58
Speaker 2: Sonic toothbrush? But here's another one of sitting right here.
5:00
Speaker 2: But I've only got part of it. I was looking
5:02
Speaker 2: at the heated gloves you can buy. I'm like, I
5:06
Speaker 2: get some of these, and.
5:08
Speaker 1: Are you talking about for your motorbike or just general
5:11
Speaker 1: getting about.
5:12
Speaker 2: Originally I was looking for the motorbike, but then I
5:14
Speaker 2: saw it could get thin ones right, so the us
5:16
Speaker 2: B charged and then your hands stay warm. I thought
5:19
Speaker 2: these would be great in the gym, and then I
5:22
Speaker 2: found some for like thirty bucks. I thought, this is great,
5:24
Speaker 2: there's a way cheap bucuse that one's one hundred bucks.
5:27
Speaker 2: They rock up and they're just fingerless knitted gloves. And
5:30
Speaker 2: if you look here that I'll describe to the audience.
5:34
Speaker 2: There's just two and they have to be plugged into work,
5:36
Speaker 2: so they're not USB chargeable. They just charge when you're
5:40
Speaker 2: at your computer. And there's just this square thing that
5:43
Speaker 2: sit that you stick velkrows to the inside of this
5:46
Speaker 2: stupid knitted glove. And I was like, I totally got jibbed.
5:49
Speaker 2: That is not what you portrayed this product to be online.
5:53
Speaker 1: You totally did get jibbed. Okay, So what's the best
5:57
Speaker 1: thing you've ever like, you know, where some and underpromises
6:00
Speaker 1: and over deliver and you unwrapped it and you went, fuck,
6:03
Speaker 1: this is awesome, or maybe it just met your expectations.
6:07
Speaker 1: By the way, how often do you buy something online?
6:10
Speaker 2: I just go through little stages, you know. Sometimes I'm
6:14
Speaker 2: just laying in better in the morning and next minute
6:16
Speaker 2: Facebook churns out a bit of rubbish. You're like, oh,
6:19
Speaker 2: what's that. I've bought a lot of pit toys like
6:21
Speaker 2: that little cat, little cat doos? Did you see your
6:26
Speaker 2: cat having so much fun? And you're like, oh that,
6:29
Speaker 2: look at all that fun. Love that. So she gets
6:33
Speaker 2: a lot of toys like that.
6:34
Speaker 1: You could give bear an empty milk cart and then
6:36
Speaker 1: she'd have a great time for two days.
6:38
Speaker 2: She normally loves the box that things come in more
6:41
Speaker 2: than the toys.
6:41
Speaker 1: Exactly, exactly like a two year old. Yeah all right,
6:45
Speaker 1: you still, we've got to get on with our show
6:47
Speaker 1: because I actually have a topic but or something I
6:50
Speaker 1: want to discuss. What's the best thing that you've got
6:53
Speaker 1: online that didn't disappoint?
6:56
Speaker 2: Well? I don't know.
6:59
Speaker 1: Really, Well, they've got they've got to be up. There
7:02
Speaker 1: is a good sound those headphones.
7:04
Speaker 2: Well, well it's weird because I can hear my voice now,
7:07
Speaker 2: whereas before I'm used. I'm just used to it, so
7:09
Speaker 2: they're good. But I'm just used to the noise canceling
7:14
Speaker 2: headphones covering your whole ear. So now I can hear
7:17
Speaker 2: my voice not just feeding back through the headphones, but
7:22
Speaker 2: also leaking into my normal ear. It's weird.
7:26
Speaker 1: So you can hear yourself both through your ears like
7:29
Speaker 1: just normally in the room noise, and also through the
7:32
Speaker 1: actual headphones themselves.
7:34
Speaker 2: Yeah. Yeah, it always throws me. It's a bit like
7:37
Speaker 2: when you get microphone to speak and I'm used to,
7:41
Speaker 2: like I said to you at events, and I'm used
7:43
Speaker 2: to hearing through the headphones my voice, and then all
7:46
Speaker 2: of a sudden, You've got to gauge how loud is this?
7:48
Speaker 2: Am I? Is the microphone working? Am I too loud?
7:51
Speaker 1: I don't know why I'm resistant headphones because I did
7:54
Speaker 1: radio for twenty years with headphones, and then as soon
7:56
Speaker 1: as I realized I could do podcasts without them, disbanding them. Hey, so,
8:05
Speaker 1: how by the way, why do you look so good today, Like,
8:07
Speaker 1: have you had a date or something this morning?
8:10
Speaker 2: Thanks? No, Actually, I've just got a normal item of
8:13
Speaker 2: clothing on. It's not a muscletop or a gym top.
8:16
Speaker 2: That's the difference.
8:18
Speaker 1: No, that's not true, because you have faces all different.
8:20
Speaker 1: You look like you've been made up.
8:23
Speaker 2: No, same as the same as normal, but none. Eight
8:26
Speaker 2: blue eyeline and our same true story.
8:30
Speaker 1: Thanks you look maybe it's because you don't have your
8:32
Speaker 1: doubts and your biceps hanging out like a.
8:34
Speaker 2: Dude and my big headphones.
8:38
Speaker 1: I what month is your birthday?
8:41
Speaker 2: It's May? May, the first May day, May Day? Here
8:43
Speaker 2: she comes.
8:44
Speaker 1: That's right, So you turned forty one just last May, right,
8:49
Speaker 1: a couple of months ago. Yeah, okay, So here's what
8:53
Speaker 1: I want to tell you, and this is our stepping
8:55
Speaker 1: off point for our conversation today. You are statistic forty one.
9:03
Speaker 1: So May is the fifth month, eleventh. So in November,
9:06
Speaker 1: let's be more accurate. In November, you are going to
9:09
Speaker 1: be statistically at the halfway mark of your life. Statistically,
9:15
Speaker 1: because the average AUSSI female lives to eighty three now,
9:20
Speaker 1: and we know that also statistically, the last five to
9:22
Speaker 1: ten years might be shited do you think about where
9:30
Speaker 1: you are ever in the context of your life span?
9:35
Speaker 1: The reason for this is actually, I'll shut up. Do
9:39
Speaker 1: you think about that?
9:41
Speaker 2: Maybe not as a linear what percentage of the way through?
9:45
Speaker 2: Am I? I remember looking at one of those calendars
9:48
Speaker 2: once before where you put the dots with dots on
9:50
Speaker 2: each day and it's got what I can't remember what
9:52
Speaker 2: that's called. Is that a stoic calendar? Not sure I
9:56
Speaker 2: feel like something to do with stoicism, but I but
10:01
Speaker 2: I do think about life and progress and where I'm at,
10:06
Speaker 2: maybe kind of with my goals and financially and lifestyle,
10:09
Speaker 2: and do what is this? Is this version of life?
10:14
Speaker 2: The version of life that I want when I'm fifty
10:16
Speaker 2: or when I'm sixty and beyond. I think of all that,
10:21
Speaker 2: probably overthink of all that, really.
10:23
Speaker 1: So I had a conversation the other day with a lady.
10:26
Speaker 1: Her name's Lil sorry, Lil litl sixty four? Also sorry.
10:34
Speaker 2: Sorry she's sixty four or sorry, no, I'm sorry.
10:38
Speaker 1: I don't think she'll well too late, too late now,
10:43
Speaker 1: I don't think she'll mind. But I've known her for
10:46
Speaker 1: a long time. I've known her for maybe thirty years.
10:49
Speaker 1: She used to be a client back in the days
10:51
Speaker 1: when I was training people, and then she went and
10:56
Speaker 1: got qualified as a trainer herself, then started to train
10:59
Speaker 1: and pad or still trains people. Does a great job,
11:02
Speaker 1: got a great business, all that, But there's some stuff
11:05
Speaker 1: that she, like all of us, me me included, she
11:10
Speaker 1: needs to address and change. And you know, she's been
11:13
Speaker 1: back and forwards with stuff and making decisions and doing
11:16
Speaker 1: stuff then undoing it and making them and unmaking them,
11:19
Speaker 1: and anyway, we're talking about this whole kind of you know,
11:23
Speaker 1: like when do we get really fucking serious about that thing?
11:26
Speaker 1: And do we ever get really serious? And like what
11:29
Speaker 1: has to happen for us to make a decision that
11:32
Speaker 1: we don't unmake, you know? And why do we simultaneously
11:37
Speaker 1: know that we shouldn't do that thing because it's bad
11:40
Speaker 1: for our health, our mind, our lifestyle, our sleep or whatever.
11:44
Speaker 1: But we do it. We consciously choose to do that.
11:48
Speaker 1: I'm not talking about you who's fit, lean, strong, and
11:51
Speaker 1: it's a bit of chocolate. I'm talking about people who,
11:54
Speaker 1: you know, like, for a range of reasons, kind of
11:58
Speaker 1: do stuff which is quite detrimental to their physical, mental,
12:02
Speaker 1: and emotional health. No judgment in here, just curiosity. And
12:06
Speaker 1: what was interesting was we're talking about this and like
12:09
Speaker 1: I said, sixty four so statistically, she's got nineteen years
12:14
Speaker 1: to go. Now. I know this sounds morbid, but I
12:17
Speaker 1: think sometimes this is going to sound maybe even counterintuitive,
12:21
Speaker 1: but I think sometimes the way to get the most
12:24
Speaker 1: out of life is to think about death. In that,
12:29
Speaker 1: I said, and I got out the salt shakers and
12:31
Speaker 1: the sugar which were on the table. We're at the Hamptons,
12:34
Speaker 1: we're chatting, doing a coaching session, and so I put
12:39
Speaker 1: one salt shaker and I went, this was when you
12:41
Speaker 1: were born. This is and then you know, kind of
12:44
Speaker 1: quite a way across the table, this is where we
12:46
Speaker 1: are now, and then not far from there, where she's
12:49
Speaker 1: going to be. And when you look at it as
12:51
Speaker 1: a line and you go, here's sixty four years and
12:55
Speaker 1: here's the nineteen years you've got left. And she went
13:00
Speaker 1: and because there was almost well not almost, because there
13:02
Speaker 1: was this like visual representation, it really fucked with her
13:06
Speaker 1: head a little bit. Well that's really depressing, I go, Well, not,
13:10
Speaker 1: I go, it just is what it is. I said.
13:13
Speaker 1: Even if I'm let's say I'm normal, I'm typical, who
13:16
Speaker 1: knows I could live longer or shorter. I'm not sure.
13:19
Speaker 1: But if I am typical, I'm seventy five percent through
13:24
Speaker 1: my life, because for dudes, it's about eighty and I'm sixty.
13:28
Speaker 1: So that's not being morbid, that's not being negative or pessimistic,
13:32
Speaker 1: that's just going in fact, if anything, it makes me
13:36
Speaker 1: want to do more, think better, create better. How do
13:39
Speaker 1: I optimize me if I've only got twenty years left,
13:43
Speaker 1: which I hope I have more, But if I've only
13:45
Speaker 1: got twenty years, how do I make those fucking great?
13:49
Speaker 1: You know? And I think the having a kind of
13:54
Speaker 1: an awareness of your mortality without being morbid, you know,
13:59
Speaker 1: without being sad or negative. You know, I think it
14:04
Speaker 1: can actually help us embrace the now and the living,
14:10
Speaker 1: you know, like we're every single one of us, every
14:12
Speaker 1: day is getting older. You know. It's like I Googled
14:16
Speaker 1: this morning. I'm not googled. I just before I chat
14:19
Speaker 1: GPT because I couldn't be bothered doing the numbers, including
14:23
Speaker 1: leap years and shit. And from when I was born
14:26
Speaker 1: my date of birth until today is twenty two thousand,
14:30
Speaker 1: two hundred days today like twenty two thousand, two hundred.
14:36
Speaker 1: So if we figure that out, as like, well, that's
14:40
Speaker 1: three quarters of my journey. Then I've got maybe seven
14:44
Speaker 1: thousand and a bit more days, right, and you go,
14:47
Speaker 1: oh fuck. Then all of a sudden, you're like, because
14:50
Speaker 1: that doesn't seem like that many. You know, it's a few,
14:54
Speaker 1: but you know, and I just think that having that
14:58
Speaker 1: context out, you know, thinking about health span, thinking about lifespan,
15:04
Speaker 1: thinking about what I might do whatever age I am at,
15:08
Speaker 1: whether I'm forty one like you, or sixty like me,
15:10
Speaker 1: or sixty four like lil like, between now and when
15:14
Speaker 1: I leave this mortal coil, as Mary Harper calls it,
15:18
Speaker 1: when I go home to the big fella, As Mary says,
15:21
Speaker 1: I don't know if there is a home or a
15:22
Speaker 1: big fellow, but let's just cross our fingers, our etherorial fingers,
15:28
Speaker 1: and like, what what can I do to make the
15:32
Speaker 1: next whatever it is, five ten, twenty thirty forty years
15:36
Speaker 1: better than it might have been if I just continue
15:40
Speaker 1: on my current trajectory? You know, do you ever think
15:43
Speaker 1: about all that stuff?
15:44
Speaker 2: Oh? Heaps? And you know what, even lately I've been
15:48
Speaker 2: very reflective on right, because also understanding what our values
15:55
Speaker 2: are and what relationship we have with our circumstances is very,
16:00
Speaker 2: very challenging and difficult moment to moment because it evolves,
16:07
Speaker 2: but we hold on to what was once our current
16:12
Speaker 2: way of thinking. So we learn something about ourselves, we
16:16
Speaker 2: learn how we understand something and relate to it, and
16:19
Speaker 2: then we hold that and then we live life and
16:22
Speaker 2: it evolves on us, sometimes without taking our conscious mind
16:26
Speaker 2: with it. So this week especially, I've been thinking about
16:30
Speaker 2: because you know, we talked last time about my body's
16:34
Speaker 2: not responding to things, you know, like I'm having it.
16:37
Speaker 2: I'm having a lot of physical, mental, and emotional ebbs
16:40
Speaker 2: and flows lately, and it's hard, and training is hard,
16:43
Speaker 2: and I'm like, Okay, what do we need and to
16:48
Speaker 2: step away from the intensity of boxing and training the
16:54
Speaker 2: way I love to train that makes me feel better,
16:57
Speaker 2: just to surrender to that and take up some yoga
17:00
Speaker 2: for a while. I've had to actually also reflect on,
17:04
Speaker 2: hang on, what's your attachment to these things and changing
17:08
Speaker 2: it for now. It doesn't mean changing it forever, but
17:11
Speaker 2: your resistance to it maybe means that you've you've come
17:14
Speaker 2: back to an unhealthy attachment or an identity with it
17:18
Speaker 2: and the way I identify.
17:20
Speaker 1: Hmmm, wow, that's interesting. Yeah, I was thinking if my
17:26
Speaker 1: life is a one foot ruler, I'm three inches from
17:29
Speaker 1: the end. Oh that's fucking scary, isn't it?
17:34
Speaker 2: It is? And also the idea that that's that's kind
17:39
Speaker 2: of best case scenario.
17:42
Speaker 1: Yeah.
17:42
Speaker 2: And also with every day that passes, the ability for life,
17:47
Speaker 2: quality of life, yes, is statistically going to be lower.
17:53
Speaker 2: So to make the assumptions that I'll just do all
17:55
Speaker 2: this work and then I'll and then at this point
17:58
Speaker 2: I'll go and live, bask and whatever. A book that
18:04
Speaker 2: I love, I think I've mentioned it before, and it's
18:06
Speaker 2: not exactly this topic, but it's philosophies are the same.
18:08
Speaker 2: It's called Die with Zero, and it talks about money
18:11
Speaker 2: and finances. Wow, it talks about how to live life,
18:17
Speaker 2: creating memories not material things and understand it's actually I
18:22
Speaker 2: think it's a really great book. And even on this
18:24
Speaker 2: topic finances aside, I think it gets your mind relating
18:29
Speaker 2: to life a little bit differently.
18:31
Speaker 1: Hmmm. That is well, that is quite a philosophical and
18:35
Speaker 1: almost spiritual kind of perspective to take, and I like it.
18:40
Speaker 1: Will you think about and I know with this as
18:43
Speaker 1: old ground, but you know, we're all I won't say all,
18:47
Speaker 1: but most of us listening to this event taught and
18:49
Speaker 1: told and trained that success is about things. You know
18:54
Speaker 1: that as you and I were talking about before, when
18:58
Speaker 1: I was talking to you about the upcoming works of
19:00
Speaker 1: workshops that I'm doing, we're talking about the background and that.
19:04
Speaker 1: But like we're taught that success is about what you
19:07
Speaker 1: have and what you earn and what you own, and
19:09
Speaker 1: you know, what you look like and where you live
19:11
Speaker 1: and your money and you and how many people kind
19:13
Speaker 1: of have ticked a lot of those boxes and in
19:17
Speaker 1: the middle of it, and you experienced this last week
19:20
Speaker 1: where you were just having a shit week and nothing
19:23
Speaker 1: shit was going on. Yeah, and you know, I've lately
19:26
Speaker 1: I've had a couple of not shit days. But I've
19:29
Speaker 1: said to you and I don't you know, nothing not
19:31
Speaker 1: depression or but just like, sometimes the way I feel
19:38
Speaker 1: is not reflective of what's going on in my life
19:41
Speaker 1: because for the most part, my life is somewhere between
19:44
Speaker 1: good and fucking great, you know, but we're all human
19:48
Speaker 1: and normal. And then you like, how many people do
19:51
Speaker 1: we know as they go through their life and they
19:55
Speaker 1: have in that backdrop of thinking that is successes And
19:59
Speaker 1: I'll be successful when I'll be happy when I'll be
20:02
Speaker 1: fulfilled when and then they get there, or they get
20:06
Speaker 1: a version of there, or they get to the top
20:09
Speaker 1: of the mountain, as we've spoken about a bit lately,
20:12
Speaker 1: and they're like, oh, fuck, I'm on the wrong mountain.
20:15
Speaker 1: It's over there.
20:16
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's having an awareness on a deeper meaning. And
20:20
Speaker 2: I remember reflecting on a friend of mine as opposed
20:24
Speaker 2: to mine. Is the way I am with savings and
20:26
Speaker 2: money and financial security and her way and with polar opposites,
20:30
Speaker 2: you know. But she has had experience after experience, and
20:37
Speaker 2: she has traveled extensively and always has the means to
20:41
Speaker 2: do that, but doesn't have the financial security. And part
20:45
Speaker 2: of me envies that of her, but he is very
20:48
Speaker 2: aware that I could do that. But something inside of
20:52
Speaker 2: me that probably needs a whole lot of unpacking and
20:56
Speaker 2: work just cannot allow me to to live. I have
21:01
Speaker 2: this thing, and I think it's security, abandonment, loss. There's
21:06
Speaker 2: some deep stuff that goes on inside me that probably
21:10
Speaker 2: needs unpacking, gords to know where to start, but it
21:12
Speaker 2: prevents me from surrendering to a way of life will
21:17
Speaker 2: probably be more rewarding at times.
21:20
Speaker 1: Wow, that is very brave of you to say that,
21:23
Speaker 1: very very self aware. Like I think when there's a
21:28
Speaker 1: thing that we think we maybe should do or could
21:31
Speaker 1: do or might be a better version of our current existence,
21:36
Speaker 1: and we don't do it, and we consciously don't do it,
21:40
Speaker 1: you know, it's because, yeah, that's surrendering. I love that,
21:43
Speaker 1: but it's a fear thing. It's like, what's the fear.
21:47
Speaker 1: Fear is I guess that life will be worse, that
21:51
Speaker 1: you'll be a kind of vulnerable. That's bad, you know,
21:58
Speaker 1: and it is it's all well and good to talk about.
22:02
Speaker 1: Like it's easy to talk about this stuff, isn't it. Vulnerability?
22:06
Speaker 1: You know, surrendering and like living your best life and
22:11
Speaker 1: you know, serving others and having a purpose bigger than
22:14
Speaker 1: you and all of these things that we talk about
22:17
Speaker 1: a lot. And I believe all of those things, and
22:21
Speaker 1: I teach those things, and half the time I'm all
22:25
Speaker 1: of it, and half the time I'm the opposite. You know.
22:28
Speaker 1: It's like half the time I'm a fucking idiot, And
22:31
Speaker 1: I'm like, I know that this stuff is true, that
22:35
Speaker 1: I can be so selfish in the moment or even
22:40
Speaker 1: I don't know, maybe not unaware. I think I actually know,
22:44
Speaker 1: but I've just you know, I'm just in avoidance or denial.
22:48
Speaker 2: Yeah, but there's a difference between understanding the concept, and
22:52
Speaker 2: I think people who struggle with stings in any given
22:57
Speaker 2: time throughout their life are the ones who understand it
22:59
Speaker 2: and articulate it better. I know, I can articulate things
23:03
Speaker 2: that I still feel like I forever grapple with and
23:08
Speaker 2: I've made progress in some areas, but in the most
23:11
Speaker 2: meaningful areas of my life, it's still an ever present challenge.
23:15
Speaker 2: And you know, the inner critic wants to call that
23:19
Speaker 2: being a fraud, but the reality is no leaps in bounds.
23:23
Speaker 2: It's just self awareness, and it's everybody.
23:26
Speaker 1: Why do you think that we do things which in
23:33
Speaker 1: the moment Maybe I'm answering the question in the question,
23:37
Speaker 1: but anyway, why do we do things which kind of
23:40
Speaker 1: make us feel great in the moment, but we know
23:43
Speaker 1: that over the long term it's going to fuck us up,
23:45
Speaker 1: or it has the potential to fuck us up. Like,
23:49
Speaker 1: why do we have that right now mentality? Why are
23:52
Speaker 1: we all about instant gratification? Why do we find it
23:56
Speaker 1: so hard to go to be able to deny ourselves
24:00
Speaker 1: something in the moment to create something better over the
24:04
Speaker 1: long term?
24:06
Speaker 2: I think we're driven by our chemical makeup. We're driven, right,
24:13
Speaker 2: So we're driven for things. So where there's the thinking
24:17
Speaker 2: us and then there's the beast of a body that
24:19
Speaker 2: we live inside that has been given the means to
24:24
Speaker 2: give us chemistry that creates behavior and outcome. And so
24:30
Speaker 2: we can know like I know that that six minute
24:33
Speaker 2: walk to that beautiful cookie shop I discovered last week
24:36
Speaker 2: that I've been to four times since. I know that's
24:39
Speaker 2: not the answer, but in the moment, that is the answer.
24:44
Speaker 1: Well, I mean, if you were you could rationalize it,
24:48
Speaker 1: you know the power of now, Well it's now, You've
24:50
Speaker 1: got to be in the moment and here I am,
24:52
Speaker 1: me and the cookie in the moment, you can all
24:53
Speaker 1: get rooted. Like this is the dichotomy is because on
24:56
Speaker 1: the one hand, we don't want to be living in
24:59
Speaker 1: the past the future, but and we do want to
25:01
Speaker 1: be in the present. But the reality is, you know,
25:06
Speaker 1: we're going to have a lot a lot more present
25:09
Speaker 1: moments moving forward, let's hope. I think it's it's trying
25:13
Speaker 1: to get trying to get the balance. And also, you know,
25:16
Speaker 1: for somebody like you who trains virtually every day and
25:21
Speaker 1: who other than the chocolate and the cookies. You know,
25:25
Speaker 1: your diet is very very strict, you know, like it's
25:28
Speaker 1: it's not an issue for you. If you were morbidly
25:31
Speaker 1: obese or unhealthy, or pre diabetic or diabetic or and
25:34
Speaker 1: you were doing that, then that would be a problem.
25:37
Speaker 1: But you ain't that. So I don't I think if
25:40
Speaker 1: it did get to a point where it was a
25:42
Speaker 1: real physical issue, a real health problem for you, I
25:47
Speaker 1: can't see you continuing that behavior. No.
25:50
Speaker 2: And that's that's just awareness and flexibility. And sometimes I'm
25:56
Speaker 2: worse at it, and sometimes I'm really good and so
25:59
Speaker 2: and it's taken me a lot of years to be
26:02
Speaker 2: lenient on myself, and that's just because of the awareness
26:06
Speaker 2: that doing something and then having a horrific inner narrative
26:14
Speaker 2: about it is only creating more stress and angst in
26:18
Speaker 2: my system. So it's the ability to just do something
26:23
Speaker 2: and let it go and go, well, that's just information.
26:26
Speaker 2: We're going to just observe that and be okay with it,
26:28
Speaker 2: and we'll make decisions each time those moments come up,
26:32
Speaker 2: and maybe one day the decisions will be different, but
26:34
Speaker 2: each time I'll just be curious about it. Each time
26:38
Speaker 2: the cookie will be a delicious moment in the middle
26:41
Speaker 2: of that.
26:44
Speaker 1: You know, so many times I've worked with people over
26:46
Speaker 1: the years who, you know, they did really well for
26:49
Speaker 1: a period of time a week, two weeks, three weeks,
26:52
Speaker 1: four weeks, five weeks, and then they had a let's
26:58
Speaker 1: just call it a stumble or a fuck up. You know,
27:00
Speaker 1: they went out and they ended up eating a pizza
27:03
Speaker 1: or they had they were having a shit day. So
27:05
Speaker 1: they ate four Tim Tams. And then because they opened
27:09
Speaker 1: the pizza door or the Tim Tam door, then they go, ah,
27:13
Speaker 1: now I've fucked it, I've fucked it. And then there's
27:16
Speaker 1: this cascade of shitty behavior, you know, because they think
27:22
Speaker 1: that they undid four weeks of good behavior with four
27:25
Speaker 1: Tim Tams. And I always say, you know, the Tim
27:28
Speaker 1: Tams ain't the problem. It's the emotional and psychological and
27:32
Speaker 1: behavior reaction and your story after the for Tim Tams,
27:38
Speaker 1: you know, not great, but no one's dying from for
27:40
Speaker 1: Tim tams, especially after four weeks of great behavior. But
27:44
Speaker 1: it's like, maybe, you know, and this is something that
27:48
Speaker 1: for me is important because I personally I'm a bit
27:53
Speaker 1: all or nothing and we all know that. But I
27:56
Speaker 1: would not recommend all or nothing for most people, you know,
27:59
Speaker 1: it's it's like I've never drunk, I've never been high.
28:03
Speaker 1: I don't eat cake, I don't eat cookies, I don't
28:06
Speaker 1: eat you know. But maybe, like I think I've got
28:09
Speaker 1: it right for me, but I think for a lot
28:14
Speaker 1: of people, my right would be there wrong, you know,
28:17
Speaker 1: like for you for example.
28:21
Speaker 2: Yeah, And I'm all or nothing with some things but
28:23
Speaker 2: not with others. Like I don't drink very often at all.
28:29
Speaker 2: I drink less now simply because my sleep and my
28:34
Speaker 2: performance in life is so important and it gets impacted.
28:39
Speaker 2: But I also don't, for myself, believe that having a
28:44
Speaker 2: drink every now and then is a problem. And some
28:46
Speaker 2: people like to cut it out completely and go nat
28:49
Speaker 2: never again, and I go, well, no, because there's also
28:52
Speaker 2: for me, I think sometimes there's benefits. Sometimes I think, gee,
28:54
Speaker 2: if my sleep wasn't packing it in lately, there's times
28:58
Speaker 2: when I'll be like, gee, I wish I could just
28:59
Speaker 2: have a glove wine and chill out, you know, for
29:02
Speaker 2: one night this week or something, because I know that
29:04
Speaker 2: the impact of having a glass of something and just
29:07
Speaker 2: being able to let go a little bit and just relax.
29:10
Speaker 2: There is that experience to that which I don't think
29:13
Speaker 2: is we don't have to always frame that as being escapism,
29:17
Speaker 2: which a lot of people who have overcome their own
29:20
Speaker 2: relationship with alcohol would like to point to everyone and go, well,
29:24
Speaker 2: that's escapism. It's like, well, no, that's not what my
29:26
Speaker 2: relationship is with that.
29:28
Speaker 1: Yes, well that's exactly that. That's a significant factor. Be
29:33
Speaker 1: it with food, be it with booze, you know, be
29:37
Speaker 1: it with whatever, sex, gambling. It's like, how does that thing,
29:42
Speaker 1: that variable impact your life, your health, your mindset. You know,
29:48
Speaker 1: Like even something like exercise can be destructive if people
29:52
Speaker 1: get to the point where it's all they fucking think
29:55
Speaker 1: about and it's you know, they exercise five hours a
29:59
Speaker 1: day despite all of these negative consequences. You know. I
30:01
Speaker 1: think it's called athletic and nevosa, you know, where people
30:05
Speaker 1: just lose their ship and that just becomes a new addiction. So,
30:08
Speaker 1: like anything can be destructive. You know. It's like buying
30:12
Speaker 1: shit online, as we were talking about. For some people
30:16
Speaker 1: that's just a really intelligent, convenient option, and it means
30:21
Speaker 1: they don't have to jump in the station wagon and
30:23
Speaker 1: pack in two kids and go to the supermarket and
30:26
Speaker 1: it's like, let's order that ship and just it arrives,
30:29
Speaker 1: you know, as long as Tiff doesn't get her hands
30:32
Speaker 1: on it because she's stealing, don't. Yeah, you know, but
30:41
Speaker 1: but it's that just that ability to be able to understand,
30:47
Speaker 1: you know, when and if like, you know, what's that
30:50
Speaker 1: Lady's name is Sarah gray Batch.
30:52
Speaker 2: Great, Sarah Russbatch, Sarah sorry, Sarah, yeah, yeah, Sarah Ruspatch Yeah.
31:02
Speaker 1: And she talks about that gray area drinking where it
31:05
Speaker 1: really starts, not necessarily an alcoholic, but kind of heading
31:09
Speaker 1: in the direction and where you've got to have enough
31:12
Speaker 1: self awareness to be able to encourage I guess to recognize, well,
31:17
Speaker 1: you know, maybe I'm not a falling down drunk, but
31:19
Speaker 1: at the same time, this is not making my life
31:23
Speaker 1: any better. Yeah, you know, I was going to say
31:29
Speaker 1: about four months ago, maybe five months ago now. I
31:33
Speaker 1: went up and I saw Ron and Mary, my mum
31:34
Speaker 1: and dad for those who don't know, and we went
31:37
Speaker 1: out for dinner. And Ron just turned eighty five, so
31:42
Speaker 1: he was, you know, eighty four and a half in
31:44
Speaker 1: a bit, and I was just I hadn't seen them
31:49
Speaker 1: for a couple of months, and I was shocked. Don't
31:52
Speaker 1: tell my dad this everyone. I was shocked how bad
31:56
Speaker 1: he was walking and he's you know, like his balance
31:59
Speaker 1: and his I'm like, oh god, it's like he got
32:01
Speaker 1: two years older in two months. But what is amazing
32:05
Speaker 1: as we're talking about hell span and lifespan and function
32:09
Speaker 1: and quality of life and longevity. So that week I
32:15
Speaker 1: committed to being able to try to not fix it
32:18
Speaker 1: because I can't fix it, but to help him empower,
32:22
Speaker 1: support and courage finance to fix it. So I got
32:28
Speaker 1: the amazing Josh Whittaker shout out to Josh, who's an
32:32
Speaker 1: exose physiologist who lives up near mom and dad. He's
32:35
Speaker 1: working with dad once a week. We joined him up
32:38
Speaker 1: to a gym. I'm going up on Saturdays and he's
32:41
Speaker 1: going to the gym himself once a week now, so
32:43
Speaker 1: three times a week, the now eighty five year old.
32:48
Speaker 1: And what's fucking amazing is he is I mean, he's
32:51
Speaker 1: still eighty five and he doesn't move like a teenager,
32:55
Speaker 1: but he is so much better than he was six
32:59
Speaker 1: months ago. Like he's stronger, his balance is better, he's walking,
33:04
Speaker 1: his confidence, his gait, you know, his stride length, his
33:08
Speaker 1: general stability, like everything is better. And you think he's
33:13
Speaker 1: an eighty four and a half eighty five year old
33:16
Speaker 1: now who's doing something that most people, even at fifty five,
33:20
Speaker 1: are like, oh, I'm too old to go to the gym.
33:23
Speaker 1: You know, he's gone to the gym three days a
33:26
Speaker 1: week and he's improving significantly, and not only is he
33:30
Speaker 1: getting stronger and better balance, but also you know, the
33:33
Speaker 1: quality of life is better. Like a month and a half,
33:36
Speaker 1: two months ago, I got him a stick and he
33:40
Speaker 1: was walking with a walking stick. He's not walking with
33:42
Speaker 1: a stick anymore because he doesn't need it, like you know,
33:46
Speaker 1: so I guess the that's none of that is a
33:50
Speaker 1: surprise to you, tif but to our listeners, it's like,
33:52
Speaker 1: your body is really fucking adaptable, and when even if
33:57
Speaker 1: you think you're pass it and you might not make
34:01
Speaker 1: the Olympic team, and you might not run a marathon
34:04
Speaker 1: and you might not do twenty chinups, but anything is
34:07
Speaker 1: better than nothing, you know.
34:09
Speaker 2: And I think point out the things that aren't just
34:13
Speaker 2: the physical work he's doing, but now he has two
34:17
Speaker 2: people that come and connect and also the words that
34:21
Speaker 2: you choose to use when you're speaking to him, Like
34:24
Speaker 2: I'm so mindful of listening to both myself and my
34:29
Speaker 2: client's dialogue around how we talk about life and movement
34:33
Speaker 2: and progress and everything. I'm very aware that that's the
34:39
Speaker 2: stuff that gets embedded. There's your sixty minutes with him,
34:44
Speaker 2: and then there's the words that embed themselves unbeknowns to him,
34:50
Speaker 2: that linger in his mind. And also just that moment
34:52
Speaker 2: of connection where there's two guys rocking up, playing a
34:55
Speaker 2: part and giving him a bit of purpose and then
34:57
Speaker 2: he starts to see progress. There's so much that's not
34:59
Speaker 2: just stress.
35:02
Speaker 1: One hundred percent. Oh yeah, I love that. Yeah, And
35:06
Speaker 1: you know what, like my dad's language, I love language
35:09
Speaker 1: is words of affirmation. So it's very easy to make
35:16
Speaker 1: him feel loved. Yeah, because he is progressing and he
35:19
Speaker 1: is doing a good job, and I am proud of him,
35:21
Speaker 1: and you know, I do pump up his ties and
35:24
Speaker 1: I tell him how strong he's getting, and I tell
35:26
Speaker 1: him how much better he's moving. And it's a better
35:28
Speaker 1: range of movement, and he's more skillful, and he's doing
35:31
Speaker 1: all the movements, you know, way better than he wasn't like,
35:34
Speaker 1: And so I don't even have to I don't have
35:36
Speaker 1: to manufacture it or try I just need to literally report,
35:40
Speaker 1: you know. And so there's yeah, you're right, sociological, psychological, emotional,
35:44
Speaker 1: and physiological benefits and that and also we know that
35:48
Speaker 1: as you're alluding to, like spending time with a couple
35:52
Speaker 1: of guys that you know, Josh and myself even though
35:55
Speaker 1: i'm his son, Like spending time with people who care
35:59
Speaker 1: about you and want the best for you. It's it's healing,
36:03
Speaker 1: Like it's literally boosts your immune system. It's literally good
36:08
Speaker 1: for your brain chemistry. You know, on top of the
36:10
Speaker 1: dopamine that you get and the cognitive benefits that you
36:13
Speaker 1: get from lifting weights, there's also the oxytocin that your
36:19
Speaker 1: body is producing when there's a bit of love going on.
36:22
Speaker 2: Yeah. Yeah, I think that over time, you know, with
36:28
Speaker 2: doctor Bill and reflecting on how I came to the
36:33
Speaker 2: point where one day I just realized this is this
36:35
Speaker 2: has actually got my progress has nothing to do with
36:40
Speaker 2: what we talk about, and everything to do with the
36:44
Speaker 2: role that he plays when he shows up regularly into
36:47
Speaker 2: my world and the relationship we have and Holp, he
36:52
Speaker 2: knows me. So it's not the work we do. And
36:53
Speaker 2: I think my awareness on that at some point again
36:58
Speaker 2: unconsciously transferred over into me realizing that was my role
37:03
Speaker 2: with my clients is that I show up and it's
37:06
Speaker 2: not one given session, it's who are they, who do
37:09
Speaker 2: they need and how can I benefit them as well
37:14
Speaker 2: as just whatever they're lead present at the time.
37:18
Speaker 1: Can I tell you a secret, That's what I try
37:22
Speaker 1: to be for you, and I've always tried that well,
37:25
Speaker 1: I've always tried to be that for you, and so yeah,
37:29
Speaker 1: I can help you technically and give you you know,
37:32
Speaker 1: all that, but also for you to have I don't
37:35
Speaker 1: mean this to sound weird. I've never said to this
37:37
Speaker 1: to you even like I've never said this to you,
37:40
Speaker 1: So this is a very public way to do it.
37:42
Speaker 1: But I know that you've had a shit run with blokes,
37:46
Speaker 1: you know, and just to have a mail in your
37:48
Speaker 1: life that actually just wants the best for you, that
37:52
Speaker 1: doesn't want anything back, you know, just somebody who goes
37:56
Speaker 1: somebody hopefully that I hope there's a bit of trust
37:59
Speaker 1: and all that respect and all that, but that coming
38:02
Speaker 1: from somebody that you respect, genuinely wants you to do well,
38:07
Speaker 1: Like not not pretend, you know. I used to say
38:10
Speaker 1: to my clients my trainers all the time, care like,
38:15
Speaker 1: don't pretend to care, actually care, and if you don't
38:19
Speaker 1: actually care, do not do this job because people know,
38:24
Speaker 1: even if you say all the right things, if it's bullshit,
38:27
Speaker 1: people know, right.
38:28
Speaker 2: Yeah, I literally had the conversation with him before this
38:32
Speaker 2: podcast that was my appointment that I came straight out of.
38:35
Speaker 2: And I've talked about you being that literally I'm not
38:37
Speaker 2: even just saying this. I was talking about how I
38:41
Speaker 2: relate to men and experience them, and how few of
38:46
Speaker 2: them are in the world where I will really lean
38:49
Speaker 2: in to any level of intimacy. Not physical intimacy obviously,
38:54
Speaker 2: but just vulnerability. And you were one of two people
38:58
Speaker 2: I mentioned, and I said, and there's the people I love,
39:01
Speaker 2: but there's there's this invisible wall and this awareness and
39:06
Speaker 2: this guard that I will that I inherently can't drop.
39:10
Speaker 1: Yeah, you know, thank you, Ah, pleasure, pleasure, I love.
39:16
Speaker 1: I love being able to contribute in a small way.
39:18
Speaker 1: But you know, it's somebody reached out to me about
39:23
Speaker 1: a month ago. I can't say who, doesn't matter, but
39:28
Speaker 1: you've trained, You've trained with this person at the gym.
39:32
Speaker 1: I'll tell you who it was, but you know who
39:35
Speaker 1: it is a person who's come to the gym lately.
39:36
Speaker 1: And I've helped this person a bit right. And I
39:39
Speaker 1: saw them yesterday and I could tell they thinking, why
39:43
Speaker 1: is he helping me? And I had to say. I
39:48
Speaker 1: didn't have to, but I kind of I just said,
39:50
Speaker 1: I want you to know that, like I'm helping you
39:54
Speaker 1: because someone asks, someone that I know and care about asked,
39:58
Speaker 1: and someone that I trust, and and so that's why.
40:01
Speaker 1: And I said, I don't want anything, like I don't.
40:04
Speaker 1: I really don't want anything. You don't need to tell
40:07
Speaker 1: people that I'm helping you. You don't need to thank
40:10
Speaker 1: me every time you don't, you know. And it's like,
40:13
Speaker 1: and I don't always do that, and I'm not always
40:16
Speaker 1: that for people, and you can't be everything for everyone,
40:21
Speaker 1: but that you know that, and I guess even speaking
40:25
Speaker 1: about it kind of negates it. I'm not. I'm which
40:28
Speaker 1: is kind of silly, but I'm you know that whole
40:31
Speaker 1: Like the Bible talks about when you give, don't let
40:33
Speaker 1: your left hand know what your right hand's doing, like
40:37
Speaker 1: when you can genuinely come from that place And I
40:40
Speaker 1: don't always, but I try to where you're just like
40:45
Speaker 1: caring about someone and loving someone and being being maybe
40:48
Speaker 1: what that person needs, you know, you know, there's yeah,
40:54
Speaker 1: there's a whole bunch of that going on at the moment.
40:57
Speaker 1: And it's like when I because I can be a selfish,
41:00
Speaker 1: self centered dick for a range of reasons, but I'm
41:05
Speaker 1: always aware of or trying to be self aware in
41:10
Speaker 1: that space and that being that because it's so it's
41:15
Speaker 1: so easy in this self help, personal growth, health wellness
41:20
Speaker 1: online you know, to be cheesy and bullshitty and say
41:25
Speaker 1: all the stuff that is not actually when you pull
41:28
Speaker 1: the curtain back, it's not true.
41:30
Speaker 2: Yeah. Last night at my Buddhist meditation class, the topic
41:35
Speaker 2: and I'd missed the week before, so I didn't get
41:37
Speaker 2: the first of the series. It was a series of
41:40
Speaker 2: a topic, and the topic was understanding, So they were
41:44
Speaker 2: unpacking love what and differentiating between attachment and that. They
41:51
Speaker 2: talked about three types of love, but the one they
41:53
Speaker 2: talked about last night was affectionate love. And just listening
41:58
Speaker 2: to that and it's funny because as I was listening
42:01
Speaker 2: and taking in the things that they were speaking of,
42:04
Speaker 2: and there's this ability to love someone unconditionally like a
42:07
Speaker 2: mother likes a child. But just what was funny for
42:12
Speaker 2: me is going, what do I associate with love? Because
42:14
Speaker 2: I've found it for years to say I love you
42:18
Speaker 2: to people that I love or to let them know
42:20
Speaker 2: that I love them felt so loaded, so loaded with
42:24
Speaker 2: expectation and something that I that I didn't I wasn't
42:30
Speaker 2: brave enough to say. And yeah, I think just listening
42:36
Speaker 2: and going, oh like it's okay to when if I
42:41
Speaker 2: say I love you to someone that I'm not putting
42:43
Speaker 2: any expectation or want on them. There's and I think
42:47
Speaker 2: that for me, this discomfort is around well people, if
42:52
Speaker 2: you allow someone to be in your world and connect
42:56
Speaker 2: with you on you lay yourself to be vulnerable, then
42:59
Speaker 2: you don't have any boundaries and they get to take
43:01
Speaker 2: from you or they get to You're allowed you, You're
43:04
Speaker 2: saying yes to whatever they want. It's just weird. It
43:08
Speaker 2: was just like going on stuff coming up. This is
43:11
Speaker 2: not on the.
43:12
Speaker 1: Other Do you remember the other I know maybe they
43:14
Speaker 1: didn't talk about it, but three kinds of love, affectionate love.
43:17
Speaker 1: Do you know what the others are?
43:18
Speaker 2: I think one was cherishing love, cherishing love. I can't
43:23
Speaker 2: remember the descriptions. I remember affectionate love. And because it
43:28
Speaker 2: wasn't really about how you like affection, it was just
43:33
Speaker 2: it was about giving love just for love's sake and
43:36
Speaker 2: not not because you want. And what was interesting is
43:39
Speaker 2: because I think about people in relationships and how we
43:43
Speaker 2: we most relationships have a version of attachment. We love
43:47
Speaker 2: with the conditions of I love you, but you need
43:50
Speaker 2: to behave like this because you know in relationships, especially
43:54
Speaker 2: you know intimate relationships, as monogamous relationships, there are expectations
44:00
Speaker 2: and kind of there are boundaries and rules spoken or unspoken.
44:03
Speaker 2: And I was finding a lot coming up querying, well,
44:07
Speaker 2: how do we navigate how do people navigate those relationships
44:12
Speaker 2: if we just love unconditionally, Like, how do we how
44:16
Speaker 2: do we love ourselves and then be okay with whatever?
44:21
Speaker 2: I don't know, goods, debt.
44:23
Speaker 1: Yeah, I was trying to find that there's a scripture
44:27
Speaker 1: that's always read out. Sorry, everyone's bore you with scriptures,
44:29
Speaker 1: but it's a bit of my background. It's like it's
44:34
Speaker 1: known as like the wedding passage in Corinthians. What is it?
44:40
Speaker 1: It's like, yea love's patient. Love is kind. Love does
44:44
Speaker 1: not envy or boast. Love is not erican or rude.
44:46
Speaker 1: It does not insist on its own way. Love is
44:48
Speaker 1: not irritable or is zemful. It does not rejoice, It
44:51
Speaker 1: wrongdoing but rejoices in the truth. And it's like where
44:55
Speaker 1: love lives, there is no fear and all this it
44:57
Speaker 1: goes on. But it's like, yeah, that like love is
45:01
Speaker 1: not a strategy, you know. Sometimes that's why love is
45:06
Speaker 1: like loving is. It's it's vulnerable, like you you know.
45:14
Speaker 1: I was listening to these two ladies talk on a podcast, right,
45:20
Speaker 1: and they're talking about when you send a message to
45:23
Speaker 1: someone and you put and it could be like just
45:29
Speaker 1: like I often will put a kiss at the end
45:34
Speaker 1: if I'm sending it to a mate, but it's like
45:38
Speaker 1: or a heart, Like if I send Patrick messages because
45:41
Speaker 1: we know each other well, I'll often put kiss, kiss
45:44
Speaker 1: or heart or whatever. Right, When you send a message
45:48
Speaker 1: to someone and you send two kisses and they send
45:52
Speaker 1: a message back with no affection and you're like, oh,
45:57
Speaker 1: or they send a heart and you think, fuck do
46:01
Speaker 1: I have to send a heart back because I don't
46:03
Speaker 1: know this person that well. Or you send the message
46:07
Speaker 1: which might be semi business or something, and you just
46:10
Speaker 1: put a heart at the end because that's your habit,
46:12
Speaker 1: and then you're like, oh, fuck, I just sent you
46:15
Speaker 1: know that bloke from BHP. I'm doing a gig for
46:18
Speaker 1: I just send him a red heart, old mate at
46:20
Speaker 1: fucking head office, and I'm like, how do I undo
46:23
Speaker 1: this red heart that I just said? This dude, it's
46:27
Speaker 1: like these social kind of expectations or standards of with
46:31
Speaker 1: texting and messaging in the fucking electronic form.
46:35
Speaker 2: So yeah, you don't know what people associate with that.
46:39
Speaker 2: I'm the same. I put kisses and hearts on the
46:41
Speaker 2: end of most messages and sometimes if I'm messaging some
46:45
Speaker 2: bloke or a client, I'm like, oh, I got to
46:47
Speaker 2: delete that. I'm like, oh, I don't want to send
46:49
Speaker 2: them out because you don't know how they're going to
46:51
Speaker 2: interpret it. Well, yeah, it flirty.
46:54
Speaker 1: If i'm it's funny because if so my best mates,
46:58
Speaker 1: so you know Vin from school, Greg from my churchy days,
47:03
Speaker 1: the Crab of course, who I trained, like all of them,
47:06
Speaker 1: all of my mates Patrick all heart They all get
47:10
Speaker 1: hearts and kisses. The Crab though, the bloke whose life
47:15
Speaker 1: I saved, the bloke I had my mouth on his
47:18
Speaker 1: mouth for eleven minutes trying to fucking bring him back
47:21
Speaker 1: from the dead. If I send him a heart, that'd
47:25
Speaker 1: be it'd be all over. He wouldn't know what he'd
47:28
Speaker 1: have a fucking aneurysm. He wouldn't know what to do.
47:31
Speaker 1: I shouldn't joke about that. He wouldn't know what to do,
47:34
Speaker 1: you know. It's like yeah, yeah, And it was funny
47:39
Speaker 1: when I passed my final academic milestone for my PhD,
47:44
Speaker 1: he taking he's taken. This one's sound interesting. I apologize,
47:48
Speaker 1: But for the crab, this is a fucking major emotional breakthrough.
47:53
Speaker 1: Like this is like, okay, this is big. Anyway, So
47:58
Speaker 1: he came to the gym the day, you know, we're training.
48:01
Speaker 1: That night I had my final review through the day.
48:03
Speaker 1: I was really nervous. I was pretty sure I was
48:05
Speaker 1: going to fail. Anyway, I got through. I got through,
48:10
Speaker 1: I passed, and he's like, he came up and he
48:13
Speaker 1: gave me a hug. I'm like, who are you, who's
48:18
Speaker 1: hijacked my friend's body? Like he's never ever given me
48:23
Speaker 1: a hug? And he goes, oh, I guess I better
48:25
Speaker 1: hug you then, and he gave me a hug. I'm like,
48:27
Speaker 1: and it's funny, like and it was clunky and awkward,
48:31
Speaker 1: but I fucking loved that hug. That's probably the only
48:34
Speaker 1: one I'm ever going to get, right.
48:35
Speaker 2: I was just about to say that, just savor that moment.
48:38
Speaker 1: That's the fucking unicorn, that's the four leaf clover of hugs.
48:42
Speaker 1: That motherfucker is never happening again. So it's burned into
48:47
Speaker 1: my my cells, never letting it go.
48:51
Speaker 2: It's funny because he's such a gentle soul that I
48:53
Speaker 2: wouldn't have picked him to be a non hugger. I
48:56
Speaker 2: would have actually picked the opposit. I would have picked
48:58
Speaker 2: him to be a real hugger. I think you tried
49:00
Speaker 2: to trick me once when I didn't know, and you
49:02
Speaker 2: will go give him a hug. He wants a hug
49:05
Speaker 2: and the look, but what was the Oh.
49:08
Speaker 1: God, yeah, I fuck off with your hugs. And you
49:11
Speaker 1: know what else. He doesn't do compliments, compliments like has
49:16
Speaker 1: he ever said to you you look great? I mean
49:18
Speaker 1: you've met it a thousand times? No, No, he's never
49:23
Speaker 1: ever Not that I need it.
49:25
Speaker 2: Maybe I've never looked great, so that puts an effort
49:28
Speaker 2: in next time.
49:29
Speaker 1: He's funny, though, but he would think you look great.
49:32
Speaker 1: He just won't tell you. It's like my dad. It's
49:35
Speaker 1: been to the Ron Harper School of communication.
49:38
Speaker 2: Well, it's not been that long since I started paying
49:43
Speaker 2: attention to the fact that, hey, Tiff, people don't do
49:46
Speaker 2: Like I said before, people don't know you love them
49:48
Speaker 2: unless you tell them. All the people that you love
49:50
Speaker 2: so deeply that you that are meaningful friends to you,
49:54
Speaker 2: most of them don't know. And you're always so busy
49:57
Speaker 2: that the amount of time you spend with them is
50:00
Speaker 2: going to indicate that you need to tell people.
50:03
Speaker 1: Yeah, you know big Josh, who's been on the show
50:07
Speaker 1: it was on recently. I don't know how much I
50:11
Speaker 1: meant to say, but anyway, so he's been through a
50:13
Speaker 1: reasonably incht I'll tell you off fair but I can't.
50:16
Speaker 1: I can't without his permission. Share. But you know, so
50:19
Speaker 1: a kind of a good thing, not a bad thing,
50:22
Speaker 1: a good thing. And so I just sent him a
50:25
Speaker 1: message before because I haven't spoken to him for a
50:27
Speaker 1: few weeks, and like I love Josh, like Josh. If
50:31
Speaker 1: you met Josh in his heyday, Josh is a or
50:35
Speaker 1: was a you know, Australia's best body built one hundred
50:39
Speaker 1: and forty kilo giant muscles on muscles on muscles. But
50:43
Speaker 1: underneath all that, he's just a big baby that needs love,
50:46
Speaker 1: you know, not in a pathetic way, it's just you know,
50:49
Speaker 1: and him and I have a good relationship and I'm
50:51
Speaker 1: like a bit of a big brother to him, and
50:53
Speaker 1: you know, every now and then I just send him
50:55
Speaker 1: some love. I just go home, mate, thinking about you.
50:57
Speaker 1: Hope you're great, hope you're healing up. I hope you're
51:00
Speaker 1: not in too much pain, and love your lots. And
51:05
Speaker 1: it's like three sentences and then he right, you know,
51:08
Speaker 1: And I just think it's good that men men and
51:11
Speaker 1: women too. But it can be a bit precarious when
51:13
Speaker 1: I send that kind of a message to women, and
51:16
Speaker 1: it shouldn't be, but I understand it. But it's I think,
51:23
Speaker 1: like I'm more comfortable than ever I have been in
51:25
Speaker 1: my life with telling men that I love them and
51:28
Speaker 1: not like love ya and punch them on the shoulder,
51:31
Speaker 1: just go like the actual words, I love you, mate,
51:35
Speaker 1: and I'm here and if you need anything, and I'm
51:38
Speaker 1: not going away and I'm always going to be around
51:40
Speaker 1: for you the end, you know, And then it doesn't
51:45
Speaker 1: need to be some big fucking emotional saga. But you
51:49
Speaker 1: can just say that, right and then if they reach
51:52
Speaker 1: out or don't reach out, you've done what you can
51:54
Speaker 1: do and you've said, you know, I'm here for you. Yeah.
51:59
Speaker 1: For me, that's been very liberating. And I've always been
52:02
Speaker 1: reasonably huggy, touchy, not touchy that sounds bad, but reasonably
52:07
Speaker 1: comfortable hugging my friends. But yeah, going to that next
52:11
Speaker 1: level where you actually say I love you, not love
52:16
Speaker 1: your punch on the arm, which is very Australian bloke,
52:19
Speaker 1: or love your mate, love your mate, you know all
52:21
Speaker 1: that but semantics, I guess. But yeah, so well, the
52:27
Speaker 1: bottom line is everyone go and hug someone, give them
52:30
Speaker 1: some love. And however old you are or young, you
52:34
Speaker 1: are back to our original discussion. Well I think the
52:38
Speaker 1: original discussion was headphones.
52:40
Speaker 2: Fuck.
52:40
Speaker 1: We've come a long way, haven't we. We've gone the
52:43
Speaker 1: full circle. I don't know. I really don't have any
52:47
Speaker 1: more news for you, or any more instructions or wisdom.
52:50
Speaker 1: Did I ever have any wisdom? If you want Tiff
52:56
Speaker 1: to come and work with your team, she's available, she'svailable,
53:00
Speaker 1: she's available for her speaking and coaching and workshops. And
53:05
Speaker 1: if you've got an even bigger budget and so am I.
53:09
Speaker 2: Ah sellah Kidney and you can have us both.
53:13
Speaker 1: Chop half your leg all right, love you everyone. See
53:17
Speaker 1: I didn't say I love you. I said love you
53:19
Speaker 1: have a good day everyone.
53:20
Speaker 2: Thanks Stiff, thanks Harms,