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EP.116: The Things I’m Still Figuring Out at 33 | The Ambitious Podcast · Ambitious Podcast

0:00
Oftentimes publicly, everyone's like, oh, she's good.
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She's making things happen, She's achieving things.
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I have had multiple people who've come to me and said, it
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seems like you don't have stuff that happens.
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It seems like you don't struggle.
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It seems like you don't have resistances.
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I'm navigating it and I'm juggling it and I'm making it
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happen. But it doesn't mean that I'm not
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feeling the heat. When I was her, the previous me,
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I thought I was good. I thought I was like, this is as
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good as it gets. Like we're we're doing great.
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And now that I see where I am now, I'm like, wow, I was really
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lost. I didn't really know myself the
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way that I thought I did. No matter what photo shoot photo
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you see online, no matter what perfect video, no matter what
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screenshot, no matter what achievement.
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I can tell you for myself and as well for a lot of people I work
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with, many women and many businesses are experiencing a
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lot of things behind the scenes that you will never see on
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social media. Hello and welcome back to
0:53
Ambitious. Today we are talking about
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something that I feel like doesn't get talked about enough
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on the Internet in general, whether it's through podcasts,
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Instagram, TikTok, name the platform, it's not really talked
1:07
about a lot. And on social media at least, I
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feel like we see so many highlight reels.
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Like think how many of us unintentionally or maybe
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unconsciously compare ourselves to people on the Internet.
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We see, like for me, I'm in renovating my house right now.
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And so because of that, I'm like looking at everybody's kitchens
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and their closets and like all these things of like, OK, my
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closet versus their closet, my kitchen versus their kitchen.
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For some people, it's more of us personally.
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It could be, you know, how much money we're making in our
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business. It could be that you're
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comparing your skin versus the person that you see online.
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It can be a variety of things. And with this, I think sometimes
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we lose this touch of like, what about this is actually real?
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Many of us know that social media is a highlight reel, but a
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lot of us don't have that context going in when we
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consume. And as a result, we kind of
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start to feel in some respects like everybody else's life seems
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to be in flow and everybody else seems to be just in this place
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where things are going well. Very rarely I feel like
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consistently do we see struggle on the Internet.
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And so sometimes it can make us feel, at least for me, I know I
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feel like sometimes I look and I'm like, does this person not
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struggle? Does this person not experience
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resistance and difficulty? Like it literally feels like
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it's just sunshine and rainbows and achievement and milestones
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and things are just so in flow. One of the reasons I wanted to
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talk about what we're talking about today is because I feel
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like for me, when I see someone online who actively
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acknowledges, OK, yeah, you're gonna see all of this on social
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media, But simultaneously, here's the stuff that I'm
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actually truthfully really struggling with, it instantly
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makes me feel safe with that person.
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It instantly makes me feel like I'm not alone.
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It makes me feel like my experience is not just something
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that I'm having, but OK, other people are going through what
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I'm going through. Now.
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I don't feel nearly as isolated. And today I want to share if you
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are someone maybe who has followed me, you're someone who
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listens to this podcast, You've seen my Instagram, you see my
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social media. And you're like, OK, yeah.
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Like, seems like she's got things in flow.
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Seems like things are happening or she's achieving things.
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I have had multiple people who've come to me and said it
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seems like you don't have stuff that happens.
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It seems like you don't struggle.
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It seems like you don't have resistances.
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And I think the first instance where I ever actually shared
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that was the ending of my previous relationship.
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That was the first time that I was actually transparent and
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open about the fact that I was struggling with something.
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But I'm going to be honest, that was like a little crack in the
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glass. And so since then I've started
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to flex this muscle of realizing like I get to be human.
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And I want to share today the human part of what it actually
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looks like to scale a business while also being a human in the
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process. Because many of us see the
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accolades, will see the big milestones of the 100K month,
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will see the big milestones of I hit, you know, 7 or multiple 7
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figures. We see the trips, we see the
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first class, we see the loving relationship, we see all of
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that. We go, OK, wow.
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I don't know if that looks exactly like my life.
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I have seen first hand this year people who have lost a loved
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one, someone who, you know, even in my life this year I had
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somebody very close to me who had committed suicide.
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I have people who have lost a parent, who lost a sibling.
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I've seen people who have experienced miscarriages.
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I have seen people who have experienced such deep, intense
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things in their life. And obviously, none of this is
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discussed on social media or rarely is it discussed on social
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media. So let's for the purpose of
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today, actually talk about the human side of what it looks like
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to be a business owner who is scaling my business right now,
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but honestly kind of dealing or navigating or holding space for
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what feels like for me a lot. So I kind of, you know, in
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prepping for today, I thought, OK, I'm going to brain dump
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everything. If I think about, you know, the
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last year, the last two years even, what are the things that
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I've really been navigating simultaneously while building a
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business? And one of the first things that
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obviously has been something that if you've been listening to
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this podcast for any duration you are familiar with is that
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about two years ago, I had a very big relationship pivot.
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Now Fast forward since then, I have met an incredible partner,
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George. You guys have seen him on other
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episodes and you've heard me talk about him a lot.
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But to be honest, leaving my previous relationship and being
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in a relationship with George has been a really big mirror
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because I, in being in this relationship was not in the
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typical role that I feel like I've had in a lot of my previous
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relationships was the fact that like, I was kind of in my
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feminine energy, which to be honest, I didn't even know what
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that was until two years ago. For myself, I was always someone
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who was kind of like used to making the decisions, who used
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to bear a lot of responsibility. And something that I have been
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really struggling with in this relationship or in this dynamic
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myself is to figure out how to not be in that role, to figure
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out how to not be in my masculine.
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It's very foreign for me because in every single previous
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relationship I was that person. And now that I'm in this place
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where you know, there is somebody who provides structure,
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there is somebody who does bear a lot of responsibility and
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holds space for that to be in my feminine for me felt very
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awkward. Like I was like, I don't, I feel
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like I have no purpose. I feel like I need to handle
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things and take care of things and schedule things and like
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that used to be my role. So I felt like initially now
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that I have this partner who is very involved and very active
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and, you know, very structured for us, it was this place of
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like, what is my role in this relationship?
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What is my role as a woman in this dynamic?
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And I realized that I used to associate feminine with this
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aspect of complacency, almost like I used to believe that
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feminine was just kind of like someone else is like driving the
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car and you're just along for the ride.
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It's how I used to see it. But I think it's kind of almost
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like a parent child dynamic. When a parent's driving the car,
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they're in total responsibility and there's as a result a lot of
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pressure and responsibility to keep those in the car safe
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because obviously you care about your kids and you want to
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protect them. So it's like driving home from
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the hospital when you first give birth.
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It's like you're driving so carefully and you're driving so
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slow because you have this precious cargo in the car.
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And so I think about it like that now.
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I used to think of like, oh, I'm just like strapped in here for
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the ride versus now I see feminine as really a matter of,
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of someone caring and loving about you so much that they want
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to ensure that you are cherished and taken care of and adored and
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supported in every moment. And for me, it was so foreign.
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Like I, I even now will find myself like, OK, like I'm going
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to book dinner. I'm going to handle this.
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I'm going to make X happen because it is this automatic
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structure in me that I can't turn off.
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But truthfully, when I went underneath the surface, what I
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realized was the reason I have this programming is because I
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was raised by a single mom. I was raised by a woman who did
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it all. I was raised by somebody who
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took life by the reins and made things happen.
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She never had, for most of my life, a supportive, true partner
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or what I would kind of define as a true teammate.
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And so she was used to being the quarterback of the entire thing
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as well as every player on the field herself.
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So now that I'm kind of having to play A-Team sport where
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everyone brings equal value to the team, it's really been
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challenging me to, you know, frankly allow for some capacity
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for someone else to be able to take the lead, for someone else
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to be able to quarterback at times.
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And it's not to say that I've, you know, completely sat on the
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bench by any means. I'm still very involved.
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But it's just been something that I find has been really
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stretchy for me. And it's literally something
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right now I'm talking about, you know, profusely within within
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therapy is understanding that like I realized in the last like
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a year and a half that like I just don't really know how to be
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in my feminine. And so I definitely feel like
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I'm on this like Bambi on ice situation because I have no idea
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what it means to allow someone to lead in a relationship if I'm
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not the one leading. And so that for me recently has
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been super stretchy and this past year as well, I think I
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mentioned this on one of the previous episodes, but I
10:01
actually bought my childhood home.
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So it's not the house that I'm recording this in.
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I'll be moving into it in the next couple months while it's
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being renovated. And you know, I full
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transparency in the place that I'm living right now, I'm
10:13
renting. And this was something that was
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like the first landing pad for me after I left my previous
10:19
relationship. I just needed somewhere to live.
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I had to make a decision very quickly, need to find somewhere.
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So I was not by any means in a place where I was wanting to
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make a long term decision, buy a property, any of that.
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So I started renting in the place that I'm in.
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And with that, I then had this opportunity to buy my childhood
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home, to renovate it and to kind of move into that as like my
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forever home. And with this literally in the
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last couple weeks, you know, the renovation has been taking a lot
10:47
longer than we thought. There's like permits and
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contractors and all these, these complicated elements.
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And so I remember I mentioned to my landlord, can I, you know,
10:55
extend my lease that I have a easy transition from one stable
10:58
base to another stable base. And originally he had said yeah,
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of course, and then basically had come back and said, you know
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what, on second thought, we're going to sell the property so we
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need you to move out. And so now I'm at this place
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where I need to move into what truthfully is like a
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construction zone. So I'm literally going to have
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like 2 rooms that are functional in this house, but there is
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another option, which is move all my stuff to another rental
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and then move all my stuff into this house.
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And I realized, you know, I'm just going to bite the bullet
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and I'm going to move. And it really was interesting
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because this idea of not having a stable base or not having
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environmental structure has been really interesting because even
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when I previously left my relationship, I obviously moved
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out of the house that we were living in together.
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And I started living out of a suitcase because I didn't have
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anywhere to live. I literally was like living at
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my mom's house. I was traveling, like, I was
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just living out of a suitcase. And so these two situations for
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me really highlighted the hierarchy of needs because I was
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like, OK, wow, If we don't have a stable base from which to
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operate, it's really difficult to regulate yourself, to have
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consistency, to not let your external environment affect you.
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And I know this happens to many of us.
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I've helped a lot of women who've navigated even divorces
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while being business owners or people that are moving states or
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moving to a different country while being a business owner.
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And so it can feel very jarring to feel like you're stable base
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that office, you do your Zoom calls in for me, this, this, you
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know, set that's in my basement here where I do my podcast.
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Like it's like this comfort. It's this bubble.
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And so the idea of living without my perfect little bubble
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or my little ecosystem and kind of just having to adapt and be
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responsive and be fluid and flexible in every single day is
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something that truthfully is really stretching me.
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I'm going to be honest, I'm extremely nervous about it
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because I'm gonna have people putting in a kitchen and I'm
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gonna have my dogs that can only live on one level of this, you
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know, three level home. There's a lot of things that I'm
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gonna be addressing basically in the next, say, 60 to 90 days.
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And so I sat with myself and I said, OK, like, this is just an
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opportunity for you to flex. The muscle of your environment
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does not determine your results. And it is just this, this
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comfort blanket for me of the familiar and the routine and the
13:27
structure. And so I had to sit and ask
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myself, what would it look like to get the same results without
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this bubble and structure that you're so used to?
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Could you do it? And if so, what would you need
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to support yourself in doing that?
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And so full transparency, this idea of living on one floor of a
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multi floor house that technically doesn't have it,
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like it doesn't have a functioning kitchen in it, like
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it's a construction zone that is partially livable.
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So it means ordering food or meal prep services.
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And it means, you know, putting up making one of the bedrooms
14:01
into my family room and things like that.
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And I'm sure at some point I'll show us on social media.
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I'm going to have to, it's the reality of what I'm going to be
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living in. But it's just so stretchy.
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But on the flip side, I try to focus on how blessed I am as
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well that I am, you know, buying this house or bought this house
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that I am renovating it, that I have the ability to own this
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property on my own. Like there's a lot of blessing
14:26
and a lot of positivity in it, but full transparency, it is
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stretching me. It is stretching me in a way
14:32
that I have never had before. This third one actually came up
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last night. I have talked a couple times
14:38
about the fact that I'm really trying to focus on my health in
14:40
2025, but as well as in 2026. And one of the things that I
14:44
definitely in this season have been struggling with a lot is
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what I would kind of consider or coin like emotional eating,
14:51
which is that I will be really dialed on nutrient dense foods
14:56
during the day. I'm not trying to overdo
14:58
caffeine. I'm, you know, drinking lots of
15:00
water. I'm doing all this.
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And then late night last night, I was working because I'm also
15:08
in the process right now of starting a second business,
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which truthfully has added another level of stress,
15:13
stressed my life in a good way. I'm excited about it, but it
15:16
still is another level of responsibility.
15:18
And so one of the things that I've been finding is when I'm
15:20
really, really stressed out or when I feel like I'm just kind
15:22
of like overly tired or overly exhausted, I'm going to food as
15:27
a comfort. And I'm finding that like, you
15:30
know, last night I way overdid it with some chocolate chip
15:35
cookies and way overdid it with some other things that I ate.
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And afterwards, full transparency, I had so much like
15:43
shame, like I had so much. What did I just do?
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Why did I do that? Like I was like, I know how to
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regulate my emotions. I know what is nutrient dense,
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what's not Like why when I was so good in, you know, focusing
15:57
on my goals all day, did I do this?
16:00
And you know, it's interesting. I was saying to my sister in one
16:03
of our conversations this week, I think one of the hardest parts
16:06
of a lot of us, like even you listening right now, one of the
16:11
things that I feel like it's difficult probably for you as
16:13
well is when you are so self aware, when you are so
16:17
knowledgeable about things, you're so aware of things and
16:21
then you do them anyway. I feel like it's a double layer
16:24
of guilt because there's the initial guilt of just doing
16:26
something, but there's also this aspect of like knowing and doing
16:30
it anyway. Like I kind of think about, you
16:32
know, for people probably who smoke cigarettes, like literally
16:36
the packages of cigarettes have like, you know, lungs with
16:40
damage on them as the picture on the front of the package.
16:44
And so it's one thing to be unaware when you're kind of self
16:49
sabotaging or when you're, you know, not supporting yourself in
16:53
the way that you should, whatever that flavor that is for
16:55
you, for me in this current moment, you know, it's the food
16:58
relationship, but I think it's harder when you have this
17:03
baseline of like, you know better.
17:06
I know how to like, I've done all the reading on how to rewire
17:09
habits. I have done all of the reading
17:12
on emotional regulation. I have gone to therapy since I
17:15
was like 17 and I'm now 33. So it's not to say that I don't
17:20
have awareness. It's not to say that I don't
17:22
have knowledge, but it was just a smack in the face of like, to
17:26
be honest, the work is never done.
17:28
And there's always areas, regardless of who you follow on
17:31
the Internet and how much they are crushing.
17:33
And they're so good at XY and Z that there's always these little
17:37
areas, these little gaps within us that are still, you know,
17:40
areas for development or areas that we're still struggling or
17:44
that we're navigating or that we're still growing in.
17:46
And for me, one of the biggest things I'm struggling with right
17:50
now is this relationship to health, this relationship to
17:56
size and being smaller and this pressure to be smaller.
18:00
The, you know, connection to the relationship to food and all of
18:04
these things. Like it just feels like this
18:06
ball of yarn that I am unraveling.
18:09
I'm removing, you know, what past partners may have said
18:13
about my body. I'm removing what society says
18:17
I'm removing this. Everybody in the entire world
18:20
for some reason right now is getting smaller with, you know,
18:23
the rise of Ozempic and skinny culture is back and all of these
18:27
things. And I'm just, I'm trying to find
18:30
me in there. And I know that my goal is to be
18:34
strong. I know that my goal is to have a
18:37
good relationship with my body. Because one of my biggest fear
18:40
is full transparency is that I fear that I'm going to give my
18:46
body image dialogue or that I'm going to give the pressure of
18:49
looking a certain way or any of that to, you know, a future
18:53
child of mine. And I was like, it's my
18:55
responsibility to ensure that I'm not passing along any
19:00
programming that I have that is not supportive to the next
19:04
generation. And so I'm really trying to take
19:08
this seriously for myself to obviously see my health
19:12
increase, to see my health get better.
19:14
But I'm also in the process literally feeling like I am
19:17
unraveling a ball of yarn because it feels like it's so
19:19
multi layered of in this ball of yarn, there's this like thread
19:25
of, you know, purple throughout it.
19:26
And that's me, but it's intertwined in between every
19:30
single other piece of programming and influence that
19:32
I've been given or conversations that I've had or, you know,
19:36
going out to brunch with someone, they go, oh, I
19:38
shouldn't with the carbs. And I'm like, does that land for
19:42
me? I don't think that lands for me.
19:44
So it's trying to sort where I am in there.
19:47
And I think that that's why my goal has shifted a lot.
19:52
Like it's originally, you know, starting last year was like, I
19:55
want to lose X amount of pounds. But now I'm like, do I care
19:58
about the, the number on the scale?
19:59
To be honest, not really, you know, is it about my internal
20:03
health, like my labs, my blood work, right?
20:05
Like it's really discovering where are we in this?
20:10
And I think especially as women. There's a lot of societal
20:13
pressure, there's a lot of narratives, there's a lot of
20:15
messaging around what is right, what is wrong.
20:18
You know, when it comes to our body image, our size, all of
20:22
these things are so much conversation and noise around
20:24
it. And so I would be lying if I
20:27
said that I have it all figured out.
20:28
I don't think right now I've even still landed on where where
20:32
I am in that ball of yarn. I'm still organizing it, but I
20:37
feel like I'm making progress and I'm learning a lot along the
20:39
way, but it is still something that right now I am definitely
20:44
navigating. I also recently went on a trip
20:47
to Cancun for one of my best friends Wedding Gabby, and it
20:51
was interesting because one of the reflections that I had while
20:54
I was there. So one of the things that I am
20:56
really bad at with social media is posting my personal life.
21:00
Don't ask me why. If you want me to talk about
21:02
sales, I'll talk about it all day.
21:04
Like if you want me to, you know, give a social proof post,
21:08
I could whip it up in 20 minutes that I can do with my eyes
21:11
closed. Ask me to share my personal life
21:14
or to talk about myself. Like even this episode is more
21:17
stretchy for me 10X than any other strategy thing that I
21:21
record. And I think that's because
21:24
number one, it's personal and it's vulnerable.
21:27
So in itself it's a little bit stretchy, but I think one of the
21:31
things I, I witnessed, I, I almost like felt like I was
21:34
outside of myself on this trip and I was like kind of
21:37
witnessing myself and the way that I was interacting and kind
21:41
of how I wanted to show up and all of it.
21:43
And one of the things that I navigated was posting the whole
21:48
thing all day everyday on social media.
21:51
And it's been weird because, OK, when we look to have any
21:55
behavior, what's the basis of any behavior we want to create
21:58
or that we want to, you know, change even it's really positive
22:01
or negative reinforcement, which is like if you get a positive
22:04
response from something, you're going to be more likely to
22:07
repeat that behavior. If you get a negative response
22:10
from something, generally speaking, you get less desire to
22:13
repeat that behavior, right? So I go on this trip, I posted a
22:18
couple things. Tell me how this was the highest
22:22
amount of application clicks. Don't know why it was the
22:25
highest level of application clicks that we had had in the
22:28
month so far. It was the highest amount of
22:31
engagement. We had the highest amount of
22:32
story views. Like everything was like, like
22:35
just increased. And so positive reinforcement
22:39
would tell you, hey, cause and effect, you shared and you were
22:42
vulnerable and you were sharing your personal life.
22:45
You were sharing these moments and this trip and your outfits
22:48
and whatever might be. And now your audience is like
22:52
tuned in. They're locked into you.
22:54
So part of me initially was like, OK, great.
22:56
Then like I got to do more of this.
22:57
This is what this is what the people want.
22:59
I'm going to do more of this, right?
23:01
But then I was sitting outside literally by myself reflecting
23:05
on this because this is how my brain works.
23:08
And I thought, OK, when I'm in these moments, I'm on a trip,
23:11
I'm on a date night. I'm like having fun with
23:14
girlfriends, like whatever it might be.
23:17
I'm not thinking about filming myself.
23:19
Like, I know some people who live in obviously the content
23:22
world, they're kind of trained to do that now.
23:25
But I'm still, even with all these years in social media, I'm
23:27
not in this place like where I go out with a friend.
23:30
I want to be like, oh, yeah, let me set up my camera.
23:32
I'm just, it's my brain doesn't go there.
23:35
So I'm sitting there and I'm thinking, OK, like I don't have
23:38
a calling to share this because for me, the beautiful part of
23:43
life is actually experiencing life.
23:46
Like think how many times you've gone to a concert and you know,
23:50
here's this incredible musician or this incredible performer and
23:55
you're watching them and you literally feel the electricity
23:59
of the other people in the stadium or in this venue.
24:02
Such an energy at concerts. And so when you look up though,
24:07
think of what everyone's doing. We're not just watching the
24:10
performer or watching the artist.
24:12
Every single person has their phone out.
24:15
Like it's just this thing of are we really experiencing the
24:19
moment or are we capturing the moment that's happening with
24:22
this belief that we'll experience it later.
24:24
But you and I both know we're not going back to those videos
24:26
time and time again to re watch the concert.
24:30
So I'm at this, this place where I'm really struggling with like
24:35
which, you know, path I see myself going down because while
24:41
on one hand, I totally can appreciate the sharing of your
24:45
life or parts of your life and how, you know, with social media
24:48
especially, we like to feel like we understand people.
24:51
We want to make sure that we can like trust the people we're
24:53
investing in. Like, I understand why it does.
24:56
Well, I understand why people want that because I consume
25:00
people all the time who share their personal life.
25:02
But at what point is it that we're so focused on capturing it
25:08
that we're not even experiencing it?
25:10
And so I've been in this like tug of war with, I can capture
25:14
it and use this as a tool to build my business because in
25:17
fact, I literally have data to tell me that this works.
25:20
But on the contrast, while I could do that and I can do that,
25:25
it is something that I feel like takes away from me being able to
25:28
really be present. And, you know, I literally
25:31
filmed a video this morning talking about just that, which
25:35
is that I feel like there was a good chapter of my life.
25:38
And I say this to like, girlfriends and stuff when we've
25:40
had like, coffee dates and stuff where I was like, asleep.
25:44
Like, I felt like I wasn't actively present in the things
25:47
that I was doing. I was so focused on getting the
25:50
angle or getting content or even just being distracted in
25:54
general. I wasn't really soaking it up.
25:56
And I look back sometimes on like a trip that I took, for
26:00
example, to Italy, and this was at the earlier part just before
26:04
my business. And I think back to like, OK, do
26:07
you remember the restaurant you were at?
26:08
Do you remember the view that you sat on that boardwalk and
26:11
you had dinner? And when I try to think back and
26:14
tune back into it, I don't have a lot of recall of it.
26:17
I don't have a lot of memory of it.
26:19
And I have seen, you know, in 33 years, so many beautiful things,
26:24
so many beautiful experiences. I've seen, you know, some of my
26:28
closest friends become moms. And I've seen people have, you
26:32
know, these massive achievements of milestones and some of those
26:34
beautiful mountains and sunrises and sunsets in the world.
26:39
But was I really present? And to be honest, the short
26:44
answer is no. I was so thinking of the next
26:47
thing or I was thinking about capturing that thing that I
26:50
wasn't really truly soaking in presence.
26:54
And it's a deep fear of mine that I end up 65 and I look back
26:58
and I think, man, I really wasn't.
27:00
I was in my life, but I wasn't in my body in my life.
27:05
And I think social media has been creating a tug of war for
27:08
me with that because part of me feels like I could literally
27:11
live on like a ranch and never be on social media again.
27:16
Then the other part of me is like there's benefits of social
27:19
media. I get to connect with incredible
27:20
people like you. I get to, you know, have these
27:24
connections with amazing women and amazing entrepreneurs.
27:27
There's so many beautiful pieces, but at what point is
27:31
social and, and capturing things in the intention of social or
27:36
even just capturing them in the intention of having them with
27:38
like video this and take a picture of this?
27:40
At what point is it not adding to your life, but in fact, it's
27:43
taking away from it? And so that's something that
27:45
I've been really trying to trying to navigate.
27:48
I also feel like this may be something you resonate with, but
27:53
I've been feeling that I've been in this season because there's
27:56
been so much change and so much transition of feeling a lot of
28:00
urgency, but not necessarily panic.
28:03
And I was reflecting on this because when you're in this like
28:06
pressure cooker where you have a lot of things happening or a lot
28:09
of, you know, balls that you're juggling, you're not necessarily
28:14
in this season of like actual panic.
28:17
Because The thing is, it's not like there's an end date.
28:19
Meaning when most of us experience a situation or
28:23
circumstance that truly is a state of panic, there is this
28:26
queue of something happens and there's like, we have to solve
28:29
it, which is this end date, or we have to solve it, which is
28:31
this end time, right? So, you know, if someone's like
28:35
in a panic, Oh my God, the baby's coming.
28:37
The baby being born is the end of that initial, you know, Oh my
28:40
gosh, delivery panic. The thing for me is sometimes
28:46
there's been these moments where things are really busy and
28:49
there's so much going on and there's a lot of pull on me.
28:52
There's a lot of demand on me, whether it's time wise,
28:55
emotionally with, you know, people needing support, it might
28:59
be financially in a certain situation that you know, people
29:03
or I am need to financially provide in some way.
29:06
It feels like there's this push and how I can only explain it is
29:09
like it feels like you have like a contraction and then you're
29:14
like, OK, it settles. And that those moments sometimes
29:17
speed up and then sometimes they slow down, but there's no end.
29:20
Like there hasn't been this this end date of OK, it's done right.
29:24
Like once X happens, it's finished.
29:27
Because the last two years have been such a deep time of
29:30
transition. I've been transitioning a lot of
29:32
things that haven't been aligned in business.
29:34
I've been transitioning a lot of things personally between my
29:38
friends as well as, you know, obviously my relationship.
29:41
I've been transitioning in my perspectives in, you know, the
29:44
fitness aspect and kind of, you know, Bambi on ice with that.
29:48
So there's been a lot of things that have been changing and have
29:52
been evolving. And so some of them have felt
29:54
really high pressure, but not necessarily with this end date
29:58
associated. So I was kind of reflecting and
30:01
realizing that, you know, you need to perform and you need to
30:04
not drop the ball and you need to, you know, be able to get
30:08
through this decision or through the circumstance or through the
30:10
situation. But there's not an end date per
30:13
SE. So, you know, even for George
30:17
and I, we are obviously long distance and so he lives in
30:21
Montana and I live in Toronto or the Toronto area.
30:25
And, you know, one of the things that is kind of just like this
30:28
constant sound in the background is the reality that we're going
30:33
to have to deal with that at some point.
30:34
And we're going to have to kind of make a decision or make a
30:36
plan or, you know, make a step toward what we want to do with
30:40
that or what that looks like for us.
30:42
And so obviously, this doesn't have to be handled today.
30:44
Obviously, it doesn't need to be handled even this month or
30:47
potentially in the next 6 months.
30:49
But it is still something that is sitting there.
30:51
It's still, I explained to my therapist, it feels like there's
30:56
these 4 burners on your stove and there's all these burners
31:00
that are taken up. But The thing is the burners are
31:02
never being turned off. So there's this constant little
31:05
bit of heat in your kitchen because as soon as something
31:09
like, you know, I kind of block out, OK, I'm not going to deal
31:12
with this long distance thing right now.
31:13
It's not urgent. Like we're good.
31:15
We're more than good and I don't need to worry about that.
31:18
It's like, oh, new thing, you actually need to have twice as
31:23
long on your timeline for the renovation.
31:26
And so I've realized that there's such a new skill in not
31:31
just being able for most of us to handle these like peak
31:34
moments of stress, these peak moments of panic or tension or
31:38
demand. Because the peak moment means,
31:40
OK, great, as soon as you get to hear boom, it's done.
31:43
Then you're free of the stress, then it kind of moves on.
31:47
It's felt literally like that analogy of these burners have
31:51
just been on for like a year and it, I'm navigating it and I'm
31:56
juggling it and I'm making it happen.
31:58
But it doesn't mean that I'm not feeling the heat within the
32:01
kitchen. And so that analogy for me made
32:05
me realize that it's kind of this chronic state more than it
32:09
is a situation, and that it's my responsibility to recognize that
32:13
I have to manage that heat Because with juggling a lot of
32:17
things, if I don't, it's something that will shift that
32:21
into being eventually to be panic.
32:22
Meaning if you've got the heat on high and you're not managing
32:25
it well, you could bring your house down.
32:26
So it really is something that I feel like right now I'm kind of
32:30
learning a new muscle and how to navigate all of these things
32:32
that are in flux and are in flow or don't have an end date on
32:36
them. And I think as a result, kind of
32:38
piggybacked on that of something that I'm navigating is also the
32:42
other aspect of feeling like I don't, I don't really know how
32:48
to process everything because I feel like I'm notorious for
32:57
holding it together publicly, but then definitely processing
33:01
privately. And I don't think that that's
33:03
unhealthy. I don't think that that's bad.
33:05
Like, I don't think you need to like, not everyone needs to be,
33:08
you know, putting videos up every day crying on the
33:10
Internet. I'm not saying that that's
33:11
necessarily like the right way by any means, but I do think
33:15
that something that in itself creates a new level of pressure
33:20
is trying to have a perception of everything being OK and even
33:25
sharing. Some of the things I'm sharing
33:26
right now are for me, like such a weight off my shoulders that I
33:29
don't feel like I need to show up in a way that's not authentic
33:32
or I need to show up in a way that's not real publicly.
33:36
Because I realize that's something that I, I struggle
33:39
with. I often think, OK, well, like I
33:40
don't want to burden other people by just feeling like I'm
33:42
complaining. I don't want to feel like I'm
33:44
reminiscing on problems because it's just not my kind of nature
33:49
or my personality to do that. Like I just want to fix things,
33:52
solve it, move on next thing. But because of that tendency
33:57
that I have, it means that I shoulder a lot when I'm alone
34:01
versus allowing other people to step in, allowing other people
34:04
to speak into me, allowing other people to support me.
34:07
And that's because for most people, I don't like to share
34:10
all of this because I feel like I'm being a burden or I feel
34:13
like I don't necessarily need them to do anything for it.
34:17
So why would I even bother mentioning it?
34:19
But I do now in kind of sitting with it and reflecting with it
34:23
for a little while now of something that I've been
34:25
struggling with this year, it's made me realize that that
34:29
sometimes we're burdening ourselves by not being OK to be
34:34
a quote UN quote burden to others.
34:37
And one of the things that I, you know, had seen recently and
34:41
it kind of landed for me. And again, whether you're like
34:43
somebody of faith or not is not really important.
34:46
But someone said, oh, no, like I don't want to burden you.
34:49
I don't want to burden you. And the person said, why are you
34:53
blocking my blessing? Like, why are you blocking my
34:59
ability to support you? And it's true.
35:03
Like when I think about even some of my closest friends and
35:06
girlfriends, like there's a good amount of people that if they
35:09
call me tomorrow, like Kate, I need you.
35:10
I'm like, Oh my God, of course. Like what do you need?
35:12
What can I do? Like, even if it's just like,
35:14
call me if you need to vent, text me if you need to talk
35:16
about X, Do we need to meet for coffee to do X?
35:19
Like whatever you need, like just tell me I'm there like no
35:21
problem. It wouldn't feel like a burden
35:24
to me. And yet for myself, I find
35:28
sometimes trying to flip that, that script or trying to flip
35:31
the table to say, Oh, I'm the one in need.
35:34
I feel like a burden. And so I'm like, no, no, handle
35:37
this on your own. You don't need to, you know,
35:38
worry other people with this. You don't need to, you know,
35:40
brain dump this on other people. You can handle this.
35:43
But as a result, it means often times publicly, everyone's like,
35:47
oh, she's good, she's making things happen, She's achieving
35:50
things. And yet really, truthfully,
35:52
there's a lot that I hold, you know, capacity for or space for
35:56
in my own personal or like alone time.
35:58
So it's when I'm by myself, like I was noting like processing a
36:03
lot of uncertainty. It's about making really big
36:06
decisions or big calls for myself or potentially even for
36:09
clients and stuff like that. It could be also like
36:12
emotionally that I'm just feeling like stretched, which I
36:15
would say it's probably been the common one this year.
36:18
It's just been, my capacity has been so stretched with all these
36:21
things that have been going on. And so it's been interesting to
36:24
realize that like sometimes you need to allow yourself to be the
36:29
burden so other people can bless you.
36:32
And it's been a new one for me, but I'm still figuring out.
36:36
So I wanted to share it just in case that is something that
36:38
lands for you. I also think to the aspect of
36:41
the relationship I have to say when you are with a very
36:47
emotionally mature, very self aware person, this is this
36:53
relationship that I'm in has been the most like intense
36:58
mirror not even of like men but of myself.
37:03
I had no idea until this relationship how probably to be
37:11
honest, like insecure I was or how, how not seen I was like
37:21
everyone always used to talk about the fact that when you're
37:23
you know, with the right person, it's like being with your best
37:26
friend and you just have this deep, deep level of like comfort
37:32
and ease and calm that you just it just feels like home is how
37:37
people describe it, right. And I loved all of, I want to be
37:41
very clear, I loved all of my past partners and all of them
37:44
were not bad people. But I realized, and it has
37:47
nothing to do with them, by the way.
37:49
This was just that this relationship has been a mirror
37:52
for the fact that like it's healed the way that I feel, for
37:56
example, like about myself in the sense of like my appearance,
38:00
my body, my size. Like it has been healing that it
38:03
has been healing the need to say the right thing, do the right
38:07
thing, show up in a specific certain quote, UN quote, right
38:10
way. It has allowed me to be like 10X
38:14
more confident in myself and in my abilities.
38:17
It has also allowed me to trust myself.
38:23
And so it's really interesting because I saw this other clip.
38:27
Clearly I consume too much, but I saw this other clip and it was
38:31
talking about when you find the right partner, not only will
38:35
they allow you to fall in love with them, but they'll allow you
38:39
to fall in love with yourself. And I feel like that has
38:44
happened this year. But the hard part, or why I've
38:46
struggled with it, even though it's beautiful in that regard,
38:50
the reason I've struggled with it is because I had to face how
38:57
much I didn't trust myself. I had to face how insecure in
39:00
fact I was. I had to face how little
39:03
confidence I had in some buckets.
39:06
I had to face how out of tune with myself I was in previous
39:10
dynamics. So it was this kind of double
39:14
sided, you know, coin where it was like so beautiful to realize
39:19
that you you are blossoming in confidence and self trust and
39:23
you know, self respect and you're in stepping into your
39:25
power and you know, your confidence, all of it.
39:29
Like that's so beautiful. But there's still a contrast to
39:31
that, which is in order to step into it or in order to increase
39:33
within, it means I had to start at a low point.
39:36
And so I often have talked to George with the fact that I
39:39
said, OK, whoa, this is so amazing and I feel amazing, and
39:44
I feel so supported and so loved and so considered.
39:48
But it's also really sad simultaneously because it made
39:51
me realize that I did have a lot of things that were broken about
39:55
me or that were not what I wanted them to be within myself.
40:00
And that without this mirror of this relationship, that there
40:04
was a possibility that my life could have taken a path where
40:07
all that would have been normal. Or I would have maintained that
40:10
insecurity, maintain that lack of confidence, maintain that
40:13
lack of trust in myself. For who knows how long could
40:16
have been till the day I die. So I think sometimes when we
40:20
have this personal growth and when we have this, you know,
40:23
expansion of ourselves, it can feel really exciting to tap into
40:26
these new pieces of who you are and who you're becoming.
40:30
But also it is this mirror for you to have to recognize
40:33
simultaneously that in order to step into who you will become,
40:37
you have to acknowledge who you were.
40:39
And that's, that is something that has been a really hard pill
40:42
to swallow because when I was her, the previous me, I thought
40:47
I was good. I thought I was like, you know,
40:49
this is this is as good as it gets.
40:51
Like we're, we're doing great. And now that I see where I am
40:54
now, I'm like, wow, I was really, I was really lost or I
40:57
was really in this place that I, I didn't really know myself the
41:00
way that I thought I did. So it's been a really
41:02
interesting discovery process that's been both expansive and
41:06
exciting, while also simultaneously a little bit sad
41:09
at times or even hurtful for me to have to realize, you know,
41:13
where I came from to even have this growth that I have now.
41:16
One of the things that if you are someone who's like me, who's
41:22
not married, who doesn't have kids in your 30s, you'll
41:26
probably resonate with this one. I am still, I'm struggling.
41:31
OK, I should preface, I'm struggling less with this, but I
41:33
still am struggling with this. The timeline of how is it all
41:39
going to work out? And I know that everybody in my
41:42
circle loves to tell me it's going to be fine.
41:44
Everything's going to work out the way it's supposed to.
41:46
And I do, I do believe that I do know that God has a, a path for
41:52
me and a plan for me that I can't see.
41:54
And so obviously the basis of having faith is the ability to
41:58
not see what is to come and to, to take steps anyways.
42:03
But I've definitely been this like hot and cold, hot and cold
42:05
all year of like, I don't need a plan.
42:07
I want a plan. I don't need a timeline.
42:09
What's the timeline? I don't need certainty.
42:11
What's the certainty? Tell me exactly how it's going
42:13
to work out. And it's hard.
42:16
I see so many of my, my friends and you know, peers even who are
42:23
married, some of them have kids, some of them have like 3 kids.
42:26
And you know, when I was younger and I was probably like, you
42:31
know, 18, I kind of had a different picture of how
42:33
everything was going to work out, if I'm going to be honest.
42:36
And I know that everyone's timeline is different.
42:38
I know that everyone's, you know, how their life unfolds is
42:40
different. And I know that many people will
42:42
say, Kate, you're only 33. You can have kids at 38 if you
42:44
want to, which is true. I know, you know, women are
42:48
having kids like 42 and 45. So it's not to say that
42:51
biologically I can't do it. That's not what I'm saying.
42:55
I think there is this aspect, though, in some regard of like
42:58
the death of the dream, which is that I, I have this fear of
43:04
like, you know, is there something I should be doing
43:07
right now to influence the timeline or is there something I
43:08
should be doing right now to influence the future?
43:10
Is there something I should be doing right now to ensure that I
43:13
get everything that I want? And, you know, it, it's been
43:16
really hard because the basis of surrender in anything in life is
43:21
not necessarily having control. And it's not being able to
43:25
always influence how things go. And it's been something I've
43:28
been struggling with because on one hand, I really would love to
43:31
know, OK, like, you're going to be married by this time.
43:34
And then you're going to be, you know, having kids at this time.
43:36
And you're going to have, you know, all these pieces come
43:38
together. But the other side of me has
43:41
been thinking, you know, there's a lot of people that I know who
43:44
did have that. And they are, you know, people,
43:47
for example, who had the big plan of when they were going to
43:49
start their family and then they went to go to try to have kids.
43:52
And it wasn't as as easy as they had planned or as they had
43:55
hoped. And so they experienced
43:56
resistance. I have, you know, other friends
43:59
who did get married young and they they did that whole process
44:02
and they were like, great stability, timeline checks the
44:05
boxes. Everything is going the way that
44:07
I want. And then Fast forward, you know,
44:10
a couple years into their marriage ended up, you know,
44:12
deciding that divorce was what they wanted to do.
44:14
So like it's not to say even that all these check boxes mean
44:19
like you're done, like it's not be like a accomplishment of
44:22
you're finished. But there's this aspect I think
44:25
for me of like, I definitely worry about, you know, how it's
44:29
all going to come together and, and when it's going to happen
44:32
and if it's going to happen for me and all of these things.
44:35
And it, it's something that for sure weighs on me every single
44:39
day. And you know, I was having a
44:41
conversation with somebody who's like 27 and she's like, I'm just
44:46
getting so much older. I'm like, really, really,
44:51
really, I'm like, girl, I'm 33 and I am worried about the exact
44:54
same things that you are. And like you have a way, way
44:56
more time than me. So I've been struggling with
45:01
releasing control and I've been struggling with letting it all
45:04
work out the way it's supposed to.
45:06
And it's not because I want to have control over exactly how it
45:08
happens, but I want to have control over knowing where I'm
45:12
going because then it helps me to know what should I do right
45:15
now. And I think that that's been
45:16
something that's been interesting for me.
45:20
The other thing I would also say is that one of the things I, I,
45:25
I am definitely coming up against this year, which was
45:28
kind of one that I didn't anticipate to be honest, is I
45:33
really am evaluating what something costs me when I'm
45:37
going for it now. I was so like I was saying
45:40
earlier in my masculine energy previously in business and in
45:44
life that like I didn't really think about what things costed
45:47
me. I just thought, OK, like I want
45:49
this boom done. I want this boom done.
45:51
Like I was really focused on goals, really focused on just
45:55
getting where I wanted to go. And I feel like I kind of was
46:00
like hustle and achieve and accomplish at any cost.
46:03
So if it meant like lose sleep, done.
46:05
If it meant, you know, lose time with friends, done.
46:08
Like it wasn't really something that was in question.
46:10
It was just you, you know, you need to do it, so you do it.
46:13
But I think now, because I had that season where I did allow
46:19
myself to quote UN quote, suffer or to sacrifice so much in order
46:22
to be able to achieve or be successful.
46:25
Now I'm kind of looking at everything that I'm doing and I
46:28
asked myself, is this worth what it's asking of me right now?
46:32
Is this something that is worth what it's going to potentially
46:35
take from me? And it's, it's hard because
46:39
obviously with massive achievement in any area, right?
46:42
If you want to achieve a marathon, you got to go train.
46:46
If you're somebody who wants to, you know, achieve in business,
46:49
you got to put in the reps and put in the work to make the
46:52
content or to do the thing. That's not changing.
46:55
That's something that is always going to be there.
46:57
There's always this level of sacrifice that's required for
47:00
the the big successes require sacrifice in some way.
47:04
But because there's so many big things that I want to do and
47:06
that I want to accomplish, I have to ask myself, you know, in
47:10
order to achieve all of these things, what is it that I am
47:13
willing to give? What is it that I'm willing to
47:16
sacrifice in the pursuit of those?
47:18
And that's not necessarily something that I can do as
47:23
easily as I once did. I used to be open and able to
47:25
sacrifice anything in the pursuit of achievement.
47:28
And now because I've really gotten to know myself and I've
47:31
really kind of re evaluated my values, I've stepped out of that
47:34
heavy, heavy masculine. And I'm kind of in this place of
47:38
again, presence in my life, cherishing each day.
47:42
I'm trying to think, OK, well, what is this taking from me?
47:44
Is this actually worth me doing it?
47:46
And it's hard because it's a decision sometimes of what I
47:51
feel when I have to choose to not sacrifice is that sometimes
47:55
I'm like, oh, shoot. But is there a part of my
47:57
potential? Is there a part of my, you know,
47:59
future me that I'm not going to see because I'm not willing to
48:03
do this or I'm not willing to sacrifice?
48:05
So it's been interesting because it's this constant inner
48:07
dialogue I'm finding that I'm having with myself because the
48:11
old me would just be like, you always sacrifice.
48:13
You always do it. And we'll figure the rest out
48:15
later. And now Fast forward that I've
48:19
seen the domino of that perspective.
48:22
I've seen the domino of that thought process.
48:25
I know for a fact that I'm not willing to risk anything and
48:28
everything just simply for the pursuit of achievement.
48:31
And that is because there's so much more to life than just an
48:33
accolade or a number or revenue or materialistic things.
48:38
And so there's the relationships with the people in your life.
48:41
There's the presence, for example, with your family.
48:43
There's, you know, the time with your partner.
48:46
There's things that are really valuable that you're going to
48:50
reminisce on on your last day. And truthfully, they're not the
48:53
amount of followers you have on Instagram and it's not the
48:55
amount of money you have in your bank account.
48:56
So it's really trying to wrestle with those decisions in those
49:01
moments when I know my natural operating system before would
49:04
have always gone one way. I have to actively know that and
49:07
try to intentionally choose the other side to not fall into old
49:11
patterns. The other thing that I would say
49:14
is, and I feel like you might resonate with this is like
49:17
identity. OK, so in my 20s I felt like I
49:23
knew who I was and then it was like, I was OK boss babe, make
49:28
money. Like, you know, you have a
49:31
relationship, find the man, make money.
49:33
Like it was like all these things.
49:35
And then literally I was like 3031 and everything was like
49:41
blew up. I, you know, ended an 8 year
49:44
relationship. I rewrote and was kind of a
49:48
completely confused about how I wanted to do business because
49:51
the idea of being a boss babe is not something that, you know, in
49:54
its natural definition I'm excited by anymore.
49:57
So I was like, OK, just like being the boss babe for me was
50:00
not like my North Star anymore. So I became really like, I don't
50:05
know who I am. Like I feel like I got to 30 and
50:08
everyone's like in your 30s and 40s is really start when you
50:10
start to figure out who you truly are.
50:12
And I feel like at 30, I shed all the 20s of like what I
50:17
thought I was going to be or what I thought was right or what
50:20
I had pictured I would become. And then now I'm at in my 30s,
50:25
but I don't necessarily have all the things I would want to be
50:27
yet. So you're in this flux place
50:30
where you're just not who you were, but you're also not yet
50:34
who you intend to become. And so it's been kind of
50:38
interesting to be in this messy middle because there's an
50:42
identity piece of like, who am I?
50:45
Like I literally feel like I went through a complete identity
50:49
shift in the last two years because I literally had to shed
50:52
everything that wasn't actually me or that wasn't really
50:56
resonating for me or wasn't going to give me the feeling of
50:58
the life I wanted. Not just the picture, the
51:00
feeling underneath it. And when I started to focus on
51:03
not just what it looks like, but also the feeling of the depth
51:05
associated, it shifted everything, but it also hasn't
51:09
settled. It's kind of like the analogy
51:10
they use at retreats is like, it's kind of like a snow globe.
51:13
Like the whole thing got shook. And so all these snowflakes were
51:17
in the air, but they haven't all settled yet.
51:19
The shake of the snow globe was two years ago.
51:23
And some of the pieces have settled, which is exciting.
51:25
But when I look up, I'm like, oh, wow, there's a lot of pieces
51:28
that still have not landed. And so it's sort of feels like
51:31
I'm yeah, like I'm just kind of watching my step.
51:34
I'm trying to like figure out like, who am I?
51:37
Like, do I care about this or do I not care about this?
51:39
Is that important to me or is that not important to me?
51:42
It's something that is really a confusing time.
51:46
And yet it's so liberating because you are in this new
51:50
discovery, this new creation. I literally think about it like
51:53
having play DoH in front of you that you get to mold into the
51:55
person that you want to become. But The thing is, even when you
51:58
take a a clay class, it's really cool when you end up with the
52:03
vase at the end or it's really cool when you end up with, you
52:06
know, that thing that you created or the coffee mug that
52:08
you give to somebody. But the process of making that,
52:12
the process of the messy middle of adding water.
52:15
And no, that's not the shape I want and having to start over.
52:18
That's the place that I feel like I'm in.
52:20
I'm not at this place where I'm ready to bake my, my clay just
52:23
yet. I'm at this place where I still
52:26
am working the putty, and so it is messy and it is kind of
52:29
confusing. So that part has invited me to
52:34
be really patient and it's been inviting me to realize that you
52:37
are in this aspect of molding who you are and part of it,
52:42
which I don't know, it's like many women in their 30s and even
52:45
40s will definitely resonate with.
52:47
I feel like the the older I get, the less I care about outside
52:51
perception, outside noise, you know what other people are
52:53
doing. It's it's something that also
52:56
has been bringing it in because I realize that sometimes I think
53:01
who I was allowing myself to become wasn't because I had the
53:04
idea. It's because society or external
53:06
influences had been giving me the idea of who I was intended
53:11
to become. So it's been kind of liberating
53:13
to realize, OK, well, if I don't take clay from anyone else, if I
53:17
make my own clay and I don't let anyone else touch it and I don't
53:20
let anybody else build it, what do I build?
53:23
Has been again, terrifying, but also really liberating.
53:27
But I'm still in that in between.
53:29
So while I feel like I'm shedding my 20s, I still don't
53:32
really know exactly what my 30s are going to provide or what
53:35
they're going to look like. And so that's been really nerve
53:38
wracking, but also exciting at the same time.
53:40
Lastly, I would say your second last maybe would be that I feel
53:45
like I have, I have like such a desire for depth and it's been
53:51
hard to find it, to be honest. I want, you know, depth in my
53:56
work. I really want depth with my
53:58
friends. I want depth with the people
54:00
that I work with. I I just the idea of like the
54:03
shallow surface level interactions, having a small
54:08
talk conversation is like poke my eyes out.
54:12
Like I was joking with a girlfriend of mine.
54:16
We were saying when we meet new people and the person that we
54:18
meet is like really vulnerable and like they truly share what
54:20
they're navigating and what they're they're struggling with.
54:22
We're like, Oh my God, like this is my person.
54:25
But then when you ask somebody, you're like, OK, like, how are
54:27
you? How's everything?
54:27
And they're like, Oh yeah, like I'm great.
54:29
You're like, OK, so you know, how about this though, like tell
54:34
me about someone. So it's like, yeah, everything's
54:36
good. I'm like, OK, like it's just, it
54:40
feels like the small talk about like the weather and gossiping
54:43
and like I just can't do it. I have no tolerance for it
54:47
anymore. I feel like I just when I say to
54:49
someone, how are you doing? I want an honest answer.
54:52
And when I say to somebody, you know, when I meet you for dinner
54:57
and I'm like, hey, how's everything going?
54:58
You're like, well, honestly, XYZ happened and I'm feeling like
55:04
this and I feel like I've been navigating.
55:06
Actually, you can tell the person is really like a critical
55:08
thinker. They're thinking on a deep
55:10
level. They're thinking on a, on a
55:11
intentional level of how they're actually feeling, what they're
55:14
actually thinking. And I feel like I'm craving
55:17
depth lately. I'm craving to have thoughtful
55:21
conversations. I'm, I'm craving being around
55:24
people that desire to truly see themselves and to learn more
55:29
about who they are and to kind of grow and expand into that.
55:32
And I find myself sometimes I'm just like in these conversations
55:35
of someone gossiping about somebody else or somebody just
55:38
with all this small talk conversation or reminiscing on
55:40
problems. And I just don't, I just don't
55:44
relate. I don't resonate like I just
55:46
don't. I can't, I can't do it anymore.
55:49
I find that I just, I can't get myself involved.
55:52
I can't get activated from it anymore.
55:53
I tune out. And so one of the things that
55:55
I'm, I'm navigating is this desire for depth.
55:58
But I said when a girlfriend of mine were talking, the thing
56:02
that we realize is people can only meet you to the level of
56:04
which they've met themselves. And so the problem is sometimes
56:08
you want depth from somebody who doesn't have depth.
56:11
Like they it's not their fault. They just literally have not
56:14
gone there to get to that level within themselves.
56:18
So then when you're trying to say hey, like, you know, tell me
56:21
about level 10 and they've only gotten to level 2 within
56:23
themselves, no wonder you're having this disconnect in the
56:27
conversation. It's because they haven't met
56:30
themselves at that level. So they can't have a level 10
56:32
conversation with you. They can only have a level 2.
56:34
So as a result, it's made me really be thoughtful about the
56:38
people that I'm friends with. It made me be, you know,
56:40
thoughtful about the conversations that I'm around or
56:43
the people that I interface with because I do want to have depth.
56:47
I don't want to feel like I'm just reliving the same
56:50
Groundhog's Day of surface level conversations and gossip all the
56:54
time. And it's something I struggle
56:55
with because I recognize that not everybody's at that place,
56:58
right? Not everybody wants to do that.
57:00
Other people are not necessarily interested in having that same
57:04
experience. And so not having those people
57:06
around means that you may in fact have a smaller circle.
57:10
And then lastly, I would say is, I think, you know, we often hear
57:13
this quote of it's lonely at the top.
57:15
And I don't really know exactly what the top is supposed to mean
57:18
in the sense of what that is quantified as.
57:20
But I think it's lonely at the top.
57:23
To me, what I've realized is there are things, especially in
57:27
the business bucket, there's things that I'm Privy to in
57:31
people's businesses. There's things that I've
57:33
experienced or I've witnessed or I've seen as a coach in other
57:36
people's businesses that I would say are a lot to hold because I
57:42
while other people's businesses that I coach are not per SE my
57:45
responsibility, meaning I'm a consultant in the business, I'm
57:48
not a owner in it. So I'm there to advise.
57:51
But sometimes you can't Unsee. Sometimes you, you see what
57:57
people do inside the machine of their business and you go, Oh my
57:59
gosh, like I remember there was a client of mine that I was, you
58:08
can see I'm really speechless. I was, we don't work together
58:11
anymore. But there were some, some things
58:15
that I saw, some things that, of how they handled business that I
58:19
was not agreeable to. And it's been interesting to
58:22
kind of hold capacity for things that you see or even clients who
58:27
come to me and talk about past experiences with a contractor or
58:29
past experiences with a past coach or something like that.
58:32
It's really hard. It's kind of lonely to hold all
58:36
this this information, to hold all this awareness and to be the
58:39
person, you know, behind the curtain, if you will, in these
58:43
businesses because there's a lot that goes down inside scaling
58:47
businesses. There's a lot of of problems
58:50
people experience. There's a lot of intentional and
58:52
hard conversations. There's people that get fired.
58:55
There's people who have, you know, lawsuits happening.
58:58
There's all kinds of stuff that goes down that nobody on social
59:02
media is ever going to see. And as the advisor in these
59:06
businesses, that is basically my job is to be there and to turn
59:09
things around for them or to help them to kind of come back.
59:13
The thing that I think is hard is honestly seeing and being
59:16
aware of all of that and having an understanding of all of that
59:19
and, you know, holding capacity. I, I kind of think about it in
59:23
some regards, not exactly the same, but I think about it a
59:25
little bit like a therapist, like people are literally just
59:28
dumping stuff on you all day. And you know, some of it can be
59:33
really heavy, some of it can be really serious as well.
59:37
And the same thing is kind of true for business.
59:39
Seeing the behind the curtain of some people's businesses and how
59:42
they operate, how they treat people, how they treat clients,
59:45
the practices, the ethics or lack thereof.
59:49
It's been, it's been stretchy this year to see the difference
59:54
of how I approach business or some of my values versus some of
59:57
the people that have come into my world.
59:59
And so. The space that's the thing I
1:00:01
would say is there's this aspect of needing to hold space and to
1:00:06
again process things privately to make calls or decisions that
1:00:10
other people don't see the pressure of to hold information
1:00:13
that other people will never know like stuff like that.
1:00:16
I find is, is kind of the loneliness part of of what I do.
1:00:20
But my intention for today, I know many of you have said that
1:00:24
you love the personal episodes, which is again, it's a muscle
1:00:27
that I'm flexing. So it's something that we will
1:00:29
do more of in the future. But I know many of you like the
1:00:31
personal episodes because obviously, as I said, I'm not
1:00:35
the best with sharing my life. But I will say that I hope today
1:00:39
my intention for sharing was I hope in something that was
1:00:42
shared, maybe an analogy, a line that I said, an experience that
1:00:45
I've shared, that there's something in there that you feel
1:00:47
like you can see yourself within.
1:00:49
And most importantly, what I hope you take from today is that
1:00:53
you know, no matter what photo shoot photo you see online, no
1:00:57
matter what perfect video, no matter what screenshot, no
1:01:00
matter what achievement, what stage you see someone walking
1:01:04
on, what new big podcast they've done, no matter what thing you
1:01:08
see someone achieving. I can tell you for myself and as
1:01:11
well for a lot of people I work with, many women and many
1:01:15
businesses are experiencing a lot of things behind the scenes
1:01:18
that you will never see on social media.
1:01:20
And so I want this also be an invitation for you that if
1:01:24
there's maybe a part of you or a part of your business that you,
1:01:27
you know, haven't allowed yourself to be witnessed in,
1:01:29
that maybe you take this as an invitation to do so to also for
1:01:33
yourself release this pressure to need to need to be perfect to
1:01:36
release this pressure of having to show up a certain way when
1:01:39
you're like, I don't actually feel that way.
1:01:41
What would it look like if you actually LED yourself in an
1:01:45
authentic way and allowed yourself to be seen?
1:01:48
And whatever that answer is for you could be the very first step
1:01:51
in having that experience. So with that being said, we will
1:01:55
see you on next week's episode. And, as always, stay ambitious.